This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook tha...

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A Spanish maid begins to argue with her employer's wife to give her a raise

"Why should I give you more money?" The wife asks bitterly

The maid answers, " Well the way I see it, I have three good reasons. First, I clean better than you."

This made the wife a bit mad.

"Is that so? Who says?"

The maid smiles. "Your husband, miss."

Upset, ...

What do you call a neighborhood inhabited by a lot of maids and dishwashers?

A scrubdivision

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked.

*MAID:* -What would u like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

*ME:* -Tea pls.

*MAID:* -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

*ME:* -Ceylon Tea pls.

*MAID:* -How do...

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A 7 year old girl

A 7 year old girl was looking at her mother's driving license card. It was written " SEX: F", she then started laughing until the mother asked why she was laughing. The girl said " I can't believe you are so bad at sex that you got an F. Now i understand why daddy is always with the maid.

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An Old Maid

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common".

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.

​

The house is still messed up as usual.

A husband says to his wife, “If you learned how to cook, we could dismiss the maid, don’t you think?”

She replies, “Sure! And if you learned how to make love, we could dismiss the driver, don’t you think?”

A child ask his mother: "Did you know our maid was an angel?"

Mom: Why do you say that?

Child: Well yesterday she was in the kitchen with both her hands in the air and she was screaming : "Oh my God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

If dad wasn't there to hold her waist, she would have gone straight to heaven!

(OC) I got a new job at Minute Maid.

I'm working on the Punch line.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me b...

What do you call an undercover maid?

A sweeper agent.

Little Johnny

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he ...

Someone from /r/Germany wanted a french maid so he visits /r/France...

French users were discussing how hard it is to get a job in France and there was more jobs in Germany. The moderator asks German guy why he was visiting /r/France. The no nonsense German guy says "business". The mod asks "Occupation?" To which German guy responds, "Not today"

I had a thing for Rosie, the robot maid from the Jetsons.

Man, was she built!

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A maid asks the lady of the house for a raise...

"Why on Earth do you think you deserve that?" the lady asks.

Because your husband says I cook better than you ever did.

"Oh does he now? Well, that's not enough, why else?" the lady asks.

"He also says I clean better than you ever did" the maid says.

"I shall give him a p...

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My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...

And she hates having sex with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.

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- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.

A woman kept berating her maid that she was good for nothing all the time

One day the maid couldnt take it anymore .She shouted "Atleast I'm better than you in bed "

The woman was shocked,then she recovered and asked "Did my husband tell you that?"

Maid "No,your driver did "

Fired the maid yesterday because wife suspected maid had been stealing her jewelry. Today I found a snake on our doorstep.

At least we got a diamondback.

What do a man who lives in a watch tower by the sea and a 85 lbs hotel maid have in common?

They’re both light house keepers.

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A man calls his home while on a business trip.

(I translated this joke from my native language so bear with me)

An unfamiliar voice answers the phone.
Man: "Who is this?"
Answer comes, "A am the maid."
Man: "What? there was no maid when i left a couple of days ago."
Maid: "I was hired yesterday and started working just...

Maid wanted a salary raise...

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise

Maid: I can cook better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your husband told me!

Madam: Ok, second reason.

Maid: I can iron better than you.

Madam: Who told you that?

Maid: Your h...

Mom, what's the thing between your legs?

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby.
One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother what was the hair in between her legs?

She responded, "It's my washcloth".

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked...

In a tiny village lived an old maid.

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a vir...

My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."

When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."

A maid asks for a raise

A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shru...

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What's the difference between a rooster and an old maid?

The rooster says "cock-a-doodle-doo".

The old maid says "any old cock will do".

My girlfriend wanted to do the French maid roleplay. One with skimpy dress and feather duster. It sounded hot.

But the dress didn't fit me.

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A guy at work calls his wife at home

and an unfamiliar female voice answers the phone. The man asks,

"Who is this?"

"I am the maid."

"Since when have we had a maid?"

"I was hired by the woman of the house this morning."

The man is surprised that his wife would hire a maid without consulting him first ...

The Perfect maid

They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to...

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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is ...

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A boy, two chickens, one donkey, and a maid

A country boy is travelling through the countryside to look for some livestock to purchase. He walks all day and all night until he finally comes across a farm. He walks up to the door and knocks. An old farmer opens the door and greets him.
“Hello, I would like to buy some livestock, preferably...

What do you call a cheap maid uniform?

Maid in China.

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

Why did Hitler buy stock in Minute Maid?

Because they make 100% Concentrated Juice

A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door

A Maid Knocks On Her Master's Door

Her master is busy talking on the phone

She asks, "Sir would you like some juice?"

He Replies "Give Me A Minute Maid"

Why did Helen Keller fire her maid?

Cuz she left the plunger in the toilet. - Jackie Martling

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.

Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

So I'm in my hotel room, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm completely naked—and the maid walks in

...finally.

The maid

A maid goes to the wife of the house, and demands a raise. The wife gets mad and asks the maid "now why do you think you deserve one?" The maid instantly replied and said "there are 3 reasons."
"One is that I iron better than you." The wife, surprised by this, snapped back and said "Who said tha...

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone.

A man phones the house and the maid picks up the phone. He asks the maid where the wife is. She says the wife is in the bed with a man. After a long pause, the man gathers himself together asks the maid to do a favor for him and promises her $50,000. He asks her to go to his study room and to ge...

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How many chores can horny maids do?

70.

Cooking and 69.

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

Little Johnny has an assignment from school to describe society and how it works. (Long)

Now, being a little kid he had no idea what to do, so he asked his dad for help. His dad said “ OK, so first think of me as the President, your mum as the Congress, the maid as the workforce and your baby brother as the future. Now see what happens and write that up.”

So Johnny did this and f...

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"Dad, what are politics?"

And the father tries to explain:

"You see son, for example, i earn and bring money to this house so i'm capitalism. Your mother uses that money so she is the government. We care about you son, meaning you are the people. Our house maid is the working class and your little baby brother, he is ...

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do....

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So this farmhand from a very small and remote town decides it would be good to go and learn soms modern skills on a big, modern farm...

He was raised in a very basic manner and a lot of modern things like microwaves, refrigerators etc. were new to him.
When he found a big modern farm he moved there and installed himself in his room. This room was so much better than his old room back home.... He even had his own shower.
Eve...

What do you call a human/fish hybrid made of rubber ?

An Elastomer-maid!

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Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

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What is politics?

A son asks the father: **"What is politics?"**

Then the father says, **"Well, son, that's easy.**

**Look, I'll bring the money home, so I'm the capitalist (the income).**

**Your mother manages the money, she is the government.**

**Grandpa takes care that everything here h...

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Triplets

So one day a thief broke into this pregnant woman's house and shot her 3 times in her belly, she was pregnant of triplets and she went to the hospital, they all survived.

So 14 years later she's watching TV and one of the triplets comes to her screaming "mom, you never gonna believe what happ...

Hugo meets a fantastic girl, and - curiously - she agrees to go on a date with him

Soon, Hugo and Phyllida are an item. They go to parties together, concerts, long walks on Sunday. It's great.

Then one day, Hugo is out shopping with his big sister Roberta, and he remembers that Phyllida works in the big menswear shop in town.

He's a bit anxious about mixing business...

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Henry and Janet are about to get married

When Henry arrives at the church, he has a big smile on his face. His best man asks him why he's so happy, and he says "I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding, but Janet came over this morning and gave me the best blowjob of my life!"

When Janet arrives at the church, she's...

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Two drunks are sitting across from each other at a coffee table.

They’re rather wealthy men so they could careless about any mess. They’re drinking beer and throwing the cans on the floor and laughing as loud as they can about anything. They come to an argument. Drunk one says “the skin between your butt and your genitalia is called a taint you idiot.” Drunk numb...

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Lies in shit.

A little boy went up to his dad and asked the meaning of politics. The father explained, calling himself the capitalist as he was the earning member of the house, the boy’s mother the government as she looked after the house and administered money, his son the public as he would see everything going...

A wife goes on a retreat for work...

A wife goes on a retreat for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her. Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry!" So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, t...

Little Mary asks her mother: “Mum, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?”

A tad bit confused, her mother replies: “Mary, what do you mean by that?”

“Well”, Mary says. “This afternoon, I saw the maid laying on the kitchen table with her legs up. She was screaming: “Oh God, oh Lord, I’m coming, I’m coming!” Thankfully, daddy was laying right on top of her to stop her...

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Role Playing

So a guy says to his Polish friend, "I really envy you. You've been married for over ten years, and you still get along great with your wife. How do you do it?"

"Role playing," says the Polack.

"What do you mean, 'role playing?'" asks his friend.

"Well," says the Polack, "someti...

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A man and his wife went to a fancy dinner party at a friend’s estate...

...while there, the husband, feeling the luxurious meal, embarks on a journey to the restroom. After a good bit of time he returns and his wife begins to ask if he is feeling alright.

Interrupting, he enthusiastically describes “the most beautiful, wonderful toilet anybody has ever seen! Made...

Gotta reduce our costs

After the Wall Street crisis, this executive got a got smaller bonus, so he comes home to his 5th avenue duplex and says to his wife:

- Honey, times are tough now, so if you could learn how to clean and cook, we could get rid of the maid and the cook and save money.

- great idea! Now i...

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Three friends go skiiing

These three friends decide to go on a skiing trip.

When they get to the resort and find the cabin they've rented, they realize its only one king sized bed. Undeterred by this, the three friends decide to just deal with it and share the bed as they will only be in here to sleep for a couple o...

Three Soviet men, away from home on factory surveys, are staying in a hotel and trying to kill time.

First it's just some idle chitchat, then at some point one of them decides to prank his companions and excuses himself. He goes out of the room and asks a maid to bring them all tea in fifteen minutes or so. He then gets back and casually slips in a joke. Fifteen minutes later they are all enthusias...

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Political joke

A boy asks his father:

What is politics?

Father answers:

It’s very simple! You see, I bring in the money, so I’m big business . Your mother spends the money, so she’s the government.

Your grandfather sees to it that everything is managed in an orderly way. So he’s the law...

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why are you so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had
the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the
wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the
aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Wh...

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Leprechauns do exist

A man walks into the men's bathroom to take a piss. Low and behold, after a few seconds into relieving himself a very short man walks in and begins peeing in the urinal next to him. Curious about the little fellow, the man looks over the wall separator and tries to get a glimpse of the smaller man's...

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Italian guy on a bus

Sitting on a bus in New York, a prim old lady was shocked to overhear an Italian say to another, "Emma come-a first. I come-a next. Two ass-a come-a together. I come-a again. Two ass-a come-a together again. I come-a once more. Peepee twice. Then I come-a for the last time."

When the It...

A boy asks his father what politics is

His father, wanting the son think critically, told him "let's make an analogy, i am the backbone family and i am the one that makes money. Therefore i am the business class. Your mother run the economy, so she is the government. The maid is the working class. We serve your interest, so you, my boy, ...

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Bruce and a Rich Man

A rather stupid, but rich man was on a luxury cruise when he met a French man named Bruce.
Bruce seemed to be quite popular on the cruise ship, as he had made a name for himself as a diver. It got to the point where he was just referred to as Bruce Diver. He would often tell people about wh...

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[Long] Never act "Too Smart"

Wife was so sure that her husband was cheating on her with the maid. So she planned and sent the maid off early that day and soon the night fell, The wife and her husband were in the bedroom trying to get some sleep while she waits cautiously for his actions.

As she expected, he gives the sam...

Woman calls 911

**911 operator:** What is your emergency?
**Woman:** Our maid is stealing from us!
**911 operator:** Did you catch her stealing?
**Woman:** Yes! I came home from the store and found my husband pulling beads out of her ass!

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Va...

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

The whole town is in trouble!! A joke, old yet good..

A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”

Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”

Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”

Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your broth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid saw his mother's naked breasts and asked "Mom what are those?"

She said "Ohh don't mind they are balloons"

Kid "But the maid's balloons are bigger than yours"

Mother "How do you know that?!"

Kid "Because every night I see dad blowing them"

What is the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?

Says one man to another. The second replies, “it’s maid Marian, isn’t it?”. The first man scoffs and replies “absolutely not, her name is Trudy Glenn.”
At this point the second man is beyond confused and questions the statement “I disagree, I can’t say I’ve ever heard of her.”
The first man sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're payin...

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex

He asks, "Mommy, what are you doing to Daddy?"


She thinks fast and says "Daddy's too fat, so I'm trying to flatten him out".


"Why bother? Every Tuesday the maid comes in and blows him back up again!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wealthy man went to see his family doctor for his annual physical...

The doctor asked the man if he was experiencing any changes to his health.
Shyly the man replies, "Well, actually Doc, I do have a new problem. You see, I've been fooling around with the maid and I think she gave me VD..."

"Oh, I see," says the Doctor, "looks like we'll need to run a few e...

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A very rich man and his wife are lying in bed

The wife leans over and whispers something in his ear.

His eyes light up, "really??" He says. "Yup! Right now." She says.

He says "I'll be right back!" He jumps up and runs over to the wall and punches some buttons on the wall while his wife undresses.

He turns the lights l...

Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store?

Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid

Wife: why so many?

Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

two priests

a young priest visits an experienced priest to discuss how to better conduct sermons, over a dinner. They talk, but then the young priest sees the other priest's maid.

"your maid is really pretty. Are you sure you are keeping the relationship non-romantic?" the new priest asks

"yes, of...

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The real 12 days of Christmas

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Avenue

Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1979

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest l...

Soviet joke

Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissol...

I went to a dinner and when I came back my friend asked me how it was.

"It would have been great if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, the fish as fresh as the maid, and the maid as willing as the Hostess!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wonders if having sex

on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says " My son, I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: ''What does a priest know of sex?"

He goes to a minister.....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife caught me checking out the nanny the other day.

She fired the nanny. Then she told me no more sex for a year!

I said, "You're firing the maid, too?"

My married life is awesome. I cook for my wife and she does my laundry.

We are maid for each other.