Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

My sister bet me I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti...

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

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I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot.

I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

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Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

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I tripped over my sister's bra

It was a booby trap.

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

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My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock.

Apparently, I fucked the shut up.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

My sister and her girlfriend got me a watch for Christmas

It was a nice but that wasn't what I ment when I said I wannna watch.

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

My 7 year old sister keeps saying

Knock Knock. So I initially reply with:

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Banana orange!

*onslaught of laughter*

What does this mean?

My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

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I accidentally masturbated to my sisters feet pics

I got off on the wrong foot.

I received a nude from my sister

...followed by a text that said “Sorry, that was for dad.”

What do you call a parent’s sister who hates Italian appetizers?

Auntie anti-antipasto

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

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Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back ...

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

What do you say when your sister steps on your toe?

Mitosis

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What do you call the sweat under the scrotum that happens during sex with your sister?

Relative humidity.

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

My girlfriend in not talking to me anymore as she believes that I slept with her younger sister

But I swear I never slept that night

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

What do you ask your crying sister?

"Are you having a crisis?"

Knock knock I heard from my little sister

Who's there

Owls

Owls who?

Yes... Yes they do

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When my sister found out our dad was gay

She called him a cocksucker motherfucker.

A woman told her sister, "I don't know whether to watch my husband or the fire"

"'cause if I watch one, the other goes out"

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My sister and my girlfriend share the same name

That's too bad, because every time we have sex I have to think about my girlfriend.

What do sisters in anime ride?

A nii-san..

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

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What's the similarity between Hitler and my sister?

They both used chemicals to remove the polish.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

My girlfriend, Serenity, asked me to guess her overweight sister’s name

Her other sisters name was Charity, so it was obvious to me what her the overweight sisters name would be
Update: My girlfriend is yelling at me. Apparently her name was harmony, not obesity.

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis!

Sorry if it’s been posted before but my little cousin just told me this and I died laughing

My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

My moms sister is Anti-abortion

It’s a bit of a cruel nickname but she has had 5 of them.

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I fucked my disabled sister in an elevator..

..that was wrong on so many levels.

What did Santa say when he visited the Kardashian sisters?

Ho, ho, ho.

My friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't helped that she was still weariness them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sisters funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child even more awkward than it already was...

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Got caught having a wank while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday.

Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic! 

Made the rest of her funeral very awkward for both of us....

What is the name Tinkerbell’s Mexican sister?

Taco Bell.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

My sister dressed up as a deer for Halloween.

All my friends fawned over her

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

My sister always takes the stairs, but I prefer taking the elevator.

I guess...we are raised differently.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

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I was at the front of the bus with my sister.

This old man said, "When are you two getting off?"

"We're fucking related you sick bastard," I replied.

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

A few minutes before the church service started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was i...

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

-Dad? Why is my sister's name Rose?

\-Because your mother loves roses.

\-Thanks dad

\-No problem Richard

From my 2yo sister

Knock knock


Who's there


Banana


Banana who?


Banana cross the road you chicken nerd

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I named my dog insane.

So when people ask me ‘are you fucking insane?’ I’ll say no, I’m fucking my sister.

I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day

The reception was much better

My sister used to be a beekeeper.

She lived in California, but was always very emotional. She decided to get into bee keeping by way of therapy, but one day her favourite bee died. She'd named him Alloudocius. We always called her the super sister because she looked after us, but things were never the same after her bee died. We bla...

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad: "because your mother loves Roses"

Son: "oh, ok, thanks Dad"

Dad: "No problem Costco Hotdog"

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

I gave my sister $30 for school supplies

Apparently that’s only enough for a water gun :/

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what I say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

I have a sister, and I love genetics.

So whenever she steps on my toe accidentally, I say “Ow, you stepped on mitosis!”

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I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.

It's beniece me.

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

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My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,

"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.

I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"

"Well what good is fuckin one o...

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Sister kills a butterfly

So, My sister killed a butterfly, I say "no more butter for you." Then 40 minutes later, she comes to my room and says "i killed a cockroach," I say "that's not how it works."

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My sister was hired to sew 8 bridesmaids dresses by Saturday. . .

She seamstressed but she’ll get it done. However, her skills are only sew sew.

I got back from Joker and my sister asked if I got taller.

Nah, I just rose up.

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A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

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Why did the people kill the virgin Mary's sister?

Because she was the Aunty Christ

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

My sister has hay fever.

She was also recently diagnosed with diabetes. I tried to cheer her up, you know, flowers, chocolates.

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my step-sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

my step-sister walked in on me while I was masturbating and incredulously asked "Are you seriously masturbating in here?"

I told her no, it was more like a hobby.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

My friend’s son Luke

loves that his parents chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming their kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca is less amused..

My 18 yo sister said that online dating is tough

In the past 8 years every man she met there ended up in jail

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

What do you call it when a proctologist has to give his sister an exam?

Analysis

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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What do you call it when you fuck your dad's sister?

Up the ante

When my sister was younger

She had a tooth come out, I managed to get to the tooth before our mom or dad got to it, and along with a quarter I left a note that said,


"Dear *****, I left a quarter for your tooth this time, but next time I'm bringing the pliers. HAHAHAHAHA!!!".


The screams I heard the ne...

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Little Johnny is in his sister's room, being curious as teenagers sometimes are

As they start to undress, Little Johnny's Dad bursts into the room and starts screaming.

"Little Johnny! Don't do that to your sister! If you're feeling randy, go use the hole in the tree!"

Little Johnny reluctantly agrees as he redresses, leaving his sister to get a lecture on the sub...

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