Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to bu...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

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In an historic convent in Ireland, the sisters were accustomed to having visitors from the local town.

One day, a beautiful young nun heard a knock on her dormitory hall door as she was just getting ready for her bath.

"Who's there?" she asked.

A voice replied, "It is Cassidy, the blind man from the village."

She smiled and despite being nude, opened the door.

Cassidy ...

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

My sister bet me a thousand dollars that I could not build a car out of noodles.

You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

A son asks his dad, "Why is my sister named Teresa?"

"Because your mom loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram for Easter."

"Thanks Dad!"

"You're welcome Alan."

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

Alcohol free beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but you know it's just wrong!

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

My sister recently had a baby to “save the relationship”

and I still don’t talk to her.

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

I'm in love with a woman called Clairy but I married her sister, Lorraine. I always felt too guilty to cheat on my wife, but here's the thing- she's just left me. So, I guess...

...I can see Clairy now Lorraine has gone.

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

A boy says to his mother, “Mommy, I hate my sister’s guts.”

The mother replies, “Shut up and keep eating.”

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good bagel back home.

I said, “Well, whose fault is that?”

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A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

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My older sister was constantly pressuring me to have sex

She was incestent

A woman plans to pay her sister a visit. They haven't seen one another for years, since her sister moved to New York.

"So, Rebecca- what's the best way I should find your apartment?"

"Well, Miriam it's real easy. When you leave the subway you'll see the great big tower-block, the one with the revolving glass-door to your immediate right. Give it a shove with your foot and scuttle inside while it's turning. S...

My Mom’s sister got Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer.

The warranty said it came with free “Aunty-virus” protection software.

whats the healthier sister version of a dad bod?

an auntie-body

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

My mom's sister doesn't get Corona.

She has an auntie body.

Cardi B has a sister that's a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

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Caught my sister masturbating. She asked me to keep it a secret.

I told her to go fuck herself.

My sister gave me some of her homemade exfoliating genital scrub to try. Made with 100% Arabica coffee grounds.

I said I hope it doesn't keep me up all night.

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So now that Kim Jong Uns sister is going to rule North Korea

Is she the worlds first vagtator?

A boy asks his Dad one day, “Dad, why is my sister called Paris?”

His Dad replies, “Because she was conceived in Paris.”

The boy says, “Ahh, thanks Dad.”

His Dad says, “You’re welcome, Backseat.”

My dead sister asked if I wanted to hear a joke

I said yes

She replied

“Me too”

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?

“Gladiator?”

“No, I really miss her.”

My Dad had 2 very attractive sisters that worked in the accounting office of the same company...

...it was the department of fine aunts.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

One day my sister was crying

You could really call it a crisis

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses

2 sisters has just bought 2 horses.

While going for their first ride, Sister A suddenly stops, and says:
- "We have a problem. How are we going to tell the horses apart, and know which one is yours, and which one is mine?"

Sister B agrees this is a problem, and begins to think abo...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear

Im not exactly sure if it was because she was still wearing it or because the rest of the family was present. Either way it made the funeral very awkward.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you ...

As an MD, I gave my mother's sister a flu shot.

Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?

With Kim Jong Un’s death possible, his successor would be his sister. Perhaps we wouldn’t have to worry about being nuked all the time.

We’d only have to worry about being nuked once a month!

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Sister

I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot yesterday. I said, “What the hell are you doing, I was going to eat that.” She said, “You can still eat it.” I said, “I know, but now it’s going to taste like carrots.”

I played "Sweet Home Alabama" to my sister since I learned the guitar recently

Nothing happened.

But our kids loved it

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The Sisters of Mercy Brothel

2 guys were taking a trip on a scenic byway in Rural America. Driving along, they see a billboard that shows a nun, and says 'Sisters of Mercy Brothel, 50 miles ahead'.

Stunned, they looked at each other. 'Did that say what I think it said?' one asked the other.

'I think so,' the other...

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

"Why is my sister named Jamaica?"

"Because she was conceived during our cruise."

"Oh that's why? Thanks dad, I never knew."

"No problem Quarantine."

My sister was a test-tube baby

She had a womb with a view.

My sister is very unattractive.

About two days ago, a peeping tom reached in and pulled down her window shade.

My young sister: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

My young sister: No no. I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

 

 

Btw, my sister is 28 years old.

I asked my sister how her blind date went

"Oh it was terrible" she said, "He showed up in a 1948 Rolls-Royce." "So what's so bad about \*that\*?" I asked. Apparently he was the original owner.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

So me and my sister were talking...

Sister - I think we will have to go back to school in May.

Me - You would be a good communist dictator.

Sister - What? Why?

Me - Because then thousands would die.

Sister - Oh.. I didn't think of that.

Me - Yeah, they don't think of it either!

A few weeks ago my sister took a trip to Italy

Looking back, that was a Sicily decision

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Once when I was younger, my sister walked in on me while I was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

A couple of days later, I walked in on her while she was masturbating.

She screamed at me and called me a pervert.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

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I tripped over my sister's bra

It was a booby trap.

My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.

"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

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My sister was yelling again and I slammed the door of her room so hard that a piece broke off the lock.

Apparently, I fucked the shut up.

Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

How does a Redneck find his sister in the woods?

Attractive.

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

I wonder what my parents did before the internet

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

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I received a nude from my sister

...followed by a text that said “Sorry, that was for dad.”

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

My sister and her girlfriend got me a watch for Christmas

It was a nice but that wasn't what I ment when I said I wannna watch.

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I accidentally masturbated to my sisters feet pics

I got off on the wrong foot.

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

Why do all bakers marry their sisters?

Because they are in bread.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

You kick his sister in the mouth

A Nun was praying when the priest approached her

The Priest Lightly Tapped the Nun on the shoulder and asked her to follow him

The Priest Walked Away and The Nun quickly followed not far behind him

They arrived In a Room Behind the Church

The Priest Went inside the room and gestured for the Nun to do the same

"Sister, C...

My 7 year old sister keeps saying

Knock Knock. So I initially reply with:

Who’s there?

Banana

Banana who?

Banana orange!

*onslaught of laughter*

What does this mean?

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Little Johnny and his sister come down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if they had done their chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back ...

"Father, why is my name 'Rose'?

"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital."


"Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?"


"Yes it is."


"eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh"


"Quiet, Brick"

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

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A car full of Irish nuns

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think ...

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Whats you father's occupation?

Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

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My sister and my girlfriend share the same name

That's too bad, because every time we have sex I have to think about my girlfriend.

Knock knock I heard from my little sister

Who's there

Owls

Owls who?

Yes... Yes they do

My kids are running around blowing a party noisemaker. My wife's sister says " it sounds like an elephant in there"

I look up, straight-faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."

My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.



\*\*Originally posted r/DadJokes last night but I thought a wider audience might appreciate this as well. \*\*

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What do you call the sweat under the scrotum that happens during sex with your sister?

Relative humidity.

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

What do you say when your sister steps on your toe?

Mitosis

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

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What's the similarity between Hitler and my sister?

They both used chemicals to remove the polish.

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

Two Clever Nuns

There were two nuns.

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder...

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

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Free Sex with Fill-Up

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, **'Free Sex with Fill-Up!'**

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Pad...

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

"There isn't a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing." She said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

My girlfriend in not talking to me anymore as she believes that I slept with her younger sister

But I swear I never slept that night

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

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