Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Me: Why is my sister’s name Teresa?

Dad: because your mom loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram for Easter.

Me: Thanks, dad.

Dad: no problem, Alan.

(A tad NSFW) A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear.

I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

The tale of Sister obvious

Once upon a time there was a nun called Sister obvious, they called her that as she was very logical and had a solution for most things.

One day, Sister obvious and a fellow nun was walking home from the market when her fellow nun (let’s call her Sister May) said “Sister, I think there’s a ma...

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My wife thrust a picture under my nose. "What the fuck is this!" she asked. "Well," I calmly replied, "It appears to be a photo of me fondling your sister's massive breasts... But you do know that's not real, don't you, babe?" "Really? she said, calming down.

"Obviously" I replied, "They're implants".

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My girlfriend’s sister is Hot!

my gf called me to her house one day. i went there & found her sister alone in the house. she was unbelievably sexy than my gf. she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, make love to me once" i turned around & walked to thefront door towards my car. amazingly i found my gf standing ...

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

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In Alabama, how can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Dad's cock tastes like nickels.

Karl Marx is historically famous, but no one ever mentions his sister Onya and her contribution.

She invented the starting pistol.

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?" The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister." The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?" The husband responds,

"No, I will also live with your sister."

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My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

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A girl in Japan had an older sister who owned a car company. What was that company?

Nee-san

I started dating my friend's sister and he says we're now Napoleon friends

Because we're only a bone apart.

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Sister Teresa is walking down to breakfast when she meets another nun walking up.

"Good morning, Sister Assumpta!" says Sister Teresa. "Good morning, Sister Teresa!" says the other. "Did you get out of bed the wrong side this morning?"

Puzzled, Sister Teresa continues on her way to the refectory. "Good morning, Sister Pieta!" she says to the nun serving porridge. "Good mor...

Eight year old sister got me with this one

Why did Karen cross the road?

To get to the manager.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

My sister thinks shes so smart, shes said onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I threw a coconut at her

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered ‟Who?”

‟Your daughter”

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

(NSFW)So I'm tickling my little sisters foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up...

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born...

There were two sisters...

There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".

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We have a saying here in Alabama, “Playing a game and having it end in a tie is like kissing your sister.”

It’s fucking awesome because you didn’t lose

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My sisters baby

So I am not allowed to hold my sisters baby anymore. The one fucking time I held the baby I dropped it, I swear it wasn't a big deal but she started screaming at me and even got the fucking cops involved, and I'm like "okay but the real question here is WHO THE FUCK brings a baby to the grand canyon...

I expected a joke about my mother’s sister to be funny and it actually wasn’t.

It was an auntie-joke.

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My wife's sister is drop dead gorgeous. I was at her apartment last week, she said she want to have sex with me.

I turned around and walked out the door only to see my wife. She kissed my and hugged me and said she loved me.

Thank goodness I keep my spare condoms in the car.

My sister in law got the covid vaccine yesterday.

Her 5g reception has never been better

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

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Ask your sister...

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will, in about nine months."

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

NSFW What's worse than finger banging your sister?

Finding your dad's wedding ring there

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Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says:
"When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the **** did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

what did the cell say after his sister stepped on his foot?

mitosis

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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Son: Dad, why is my newborn sister named instagram?

Dad: Because your mom loves instagram and I found out that she spends enormous amounts of time on it. So, it was my way to get her off her addiction.

Son: Ok Dad, Thank you.

Dad: You're welcome.
Now go to your room, Pornhub.

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand

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What's the similarity between an alcohol-free beer and your sisters pussy?

When you taste it, it tastes ok. But there's something wrong with it

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

My step sister's hand got caught in the sink.

I Googled for a solution and there it was.

The tutorial was weird but Google is never wrong.

100 humps and her hand got unstuck.

My sisters and I met yesterday to discuss whether or not to bury or cremate our mother..

We couldn’t come to a decision between the two so we are letting her live for now.

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My girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.

Everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend .

A brother cell and sister cell are walking down the street...

The sister cell accidentally steps on the brothers toe.

The brother cell says:
"Ouch! you stepped on Mitosis!"

My sister is so dumb, she tells everyone she is bipolar

Because she is working at two different strip clubs.

Did you know that Cardi B has a sister who is really into fitness?

Her name's Cardi O

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and sai...

Sister Mary and Mother Superior

So Sister Mary is doing the driving, taking Mother Superior back from Mass on a Sunday...

... And they pull up at the lights in Drumcondra.

Traffic passes, but the lads in the pub are out in the street all hollerin and screamin and dancin cos of the day's football match.

One of ...

My sister hates Christmas because it means wrapping, and she hates wrapping.

I tried to motivate her by saying she was more than capable of wrapping, but she wouldn’t listen. So I decided to help by dropping a beat for her.

Bought my sister a trampoline for her birthday.

But what does this ungrateful thing do? Sits next to it in her wheelchair and cries.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

I've seen a lot of you getting the funniest jokes from your kids, so I tried asking my lil sister to give me one too

She told me to look into the mirror

What do they call it in Alabama when you wake up and eat out your sister?

Breakfast inbred.

My 4 year old sister has been learning Spanish.

But she still doesn't know how to say "please", which I think is poor for four

i think my sister is hot.

Her AC unit is broken

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Caught my sister masturbating.

She had something smeared all over her crotch.
I ask, “What is that all over your crotch?”

she said,”Piece of Cake.”

I said, “Damn, I was going to eat that.”

She said, “You can still eat it.”

”I know, but now it’s going to taste like cake.”

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Dad, why is my sister named Shore?

Your mom always wanted to have a horse, but I could never give her one, and Shore is an anagram of horse.

Wow, that's awesome!

Thanks, Morgas.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

My sister bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face as I was drivin pasta!

So this a joke I made up one day and my 8 yr old almost died laughing and went in to teach his 2 yr old sister to repeat it as well. It might have been made up before but I swear it came to me on it own. So here goes...

Knock knock


Who’s there?


Dr.


Dr. Who?


Exactly

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed her sister in the woods?

She had cake for dessert.

My mother’s sister Linda hates herself.

We call her anti Linda.

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I'm sick of the incorrect assumption that us rednecks are always fucking our sisters

Mine hasn't put out in 6 months

It's always so easy to get a rise out of my mother's French sister.

She's a croissant

Theo visits his sister, a veterinarian...

And being a good brother, he brought 2 cups of hot chocolate, her favorite drink. Angela, his sister thanks him, but marks her cup because after all these years she knows how forgetful he can be, and how he can mistake her cup for his.

Sure enough, after chatting a bit, Theo reaches for a cu...

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I decided to give my 3 year old sister a rapper name

She’s lil shit

My sister's onlyfans makes a lot of money

I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do when she finds the hidden cameras

My sister wanted to lose weight so she ran 3-5 km a day for 2 months.

She's now in Mexico

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Solid Old-Time Joke

Priest is walking through his parish, one of the hard-bitten sections of town. Pretty woman on the corner calls out to him, "Head, 10 bucks." He smiles politely, walks on, ruminates.

When he gets back to the cathedral he's still thinking it over. Walking through the garden, he comes upon one ...

When my sister was 5 she made up this one: WHY DID THE CACTUS CROSS THE ROAD?

Because it was stuck to the chicken!

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

How do you know who's your wife if she has a twin sister.?

Pinch one of them..

One will blush and other is the wife.

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Four nuns go to confession

The first goes into the confession booth and confesses: "I have sinned by looking at parts of a mans body I shouldn't have, father".
The priest tells her to go to the garden and wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun goes in and confesses: "forgive me father for I have touched parts of ...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3....

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

*Principal:* What is 3+3?

*Boy:* 6.

*Pri...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

A man wanted to marry his sister, but it was illegal in his state.

So they bought a house and he installed a single stair out front.

Putting a step in front makes it perfectly legal.

What does yeast and my sister have in common.

They're both inbred.

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

One of my sisters got pregnant...

Which is odd since I’m the only priest in the nunnery.

My sister got pregnant with twins

They still don’t know which one’s the father

My sister always prefers taking the stairs, but I love taking the elevator.

I guess... we are raised differently.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

The other day I took my lovely wife/sister and our 2 children out to see the chimps at the birmingham zoo, but there was so much hurling of feces.

So the monkeys started throwing it back.

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As an asian, I can never masturbate to asian porn.

Because they all look like my sister.

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A teacher asked a first grader, why he brought a cat to school?!

He said:”It’s my moms cat, I saved it’s life!”

“How is that?”asked the teacher

“I overheard daddy tell mommy he’s going to eat her pussy after me and my sister leave for school!”

"Dad, I hate my sister!"

"Okay Timmy, just finish the vegetables and leave the rest on the plate."

What do you call your mothers sister when she takes the heat when your mothers mad at you?

Coolant

An ugly son asks his Dad “Why is my sister named Rose?”

Dad: Because when she was coming out of the hospital, a rose fell from the sky and landed on her forehead.

US: Same for Penny?

Dad: Yup. A penny just fell onto her little head.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem, Brick.

My 4 yo sister came to me and told this joke?

Why didn’t the ocean dry up?

Because it didn’t have a towel.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I fucked her twin sister.

It’s not my fault. They’re conjoined at the hip.

I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...

..something about waiting until she was born

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

I asked my sister why she had all those strings tied to her fingers.

She didn't remember.

Dad, why is my sister named Olivia?

"Because your mother had a massive craving for olives when she was pregnant."

"That makes sense. Thanks dad."

"No problem, Richard."

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What is relative humidity?

The sweat you get on your balls when you are fucking your sister.

My sister told me this one

What is the similarity between girls and rocks?

The flat ones get skipped.

So you’ve got a green beret, a Navy Seal, and a sister from Brooklyn

A general is recruiting for a team of his. The general hands each of them a gun and says your spouse is seated next door, in a room, in a chair. In order to pass this test you must go inside and kill them.

Immediately the green beret says ‘No sir, I could never kill my wife. I just can't do i...

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Masturbation isn't bad only for your eyesight

My wife caught me masturbating to her sisters pictures and said " we can't see each other anymore ".

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I was at the front of the bus with my sister.

This old man said, "When are you two getting off?"

"We're fucking related you sick bastard," I replied.

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister

It tastes the same but something isn’t quite right

(Sorry this is a joke my Dad used to tell me constantly)

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

How do you give a person from Alabama a circumcision?

You kick his sister in the jaw

What is comparable to drinking a non alcoholic beer ?

Going down on your sister, it tastes the same but you know it's wrong.

My sister said she wanted to be a model

I told her that it would take 20 minutes in photoshop minimum

My neighbors asked my dad how he kept my sister and I so well behaved...

He said, “My daughter has to be bribed so we pay her to be good. She’s good for $5. But my son is a different story. He’s good for nothing.”

Not my joke but my 5 year old sister's

Mom is cooking up some mac and cheese for my little sis and says," Come get your macaroni and cheese."
To which my sister replies," I said I want mac and cheese, NO Caroni!"

My 5yr old sis is smarter than me

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My sister is becoming a real jerk

With everything that's been happening in society, my sister Sharon has become a real jerk. The other day she intentionally sneezed on some produce at the grocery store. And just yesterday she called the police on a black guy who was minding his own business. I asked my mom, "why is Sharon being s...

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

What should you do if your sister starts smoking?

Slow down & apply some lubricant

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"How did my sister and I get our names?"

NSFW.

One day a young Native American boy asked his father how he and his sister got their names.

His dad told the boy, "when a child is born someone from the family looks outside and names the child after the first thing they see."

"So that's why sister's name is singing blue b...

What’s the name of Cardi B’s very much fitter gym focused sister?

Cardi O

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

My Sister's Fingers

Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time?

Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home.

Teacher: I don't see any bandages.

Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail.

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from ev...

Cardi B just filed for divorce from her husband for cheating on her with her thinner twin sister

Cardi O

My sister had a baby to "Save the relationship"

But I still don't talk to her.

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