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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out fro...

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Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]

A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess
He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him

P - What sins have you done, son?

S - I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house...

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A man caught his sister masturbating with a cucumber.

Man: "Eww! That's my dinner! You're making it taste like cucumber!”

My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister’s panties.

I don’t know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way it made her funeral a bit awkward.

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A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

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Why did the people kill the virgin Mary's sister?

Because she was the Aunty Christ

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

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Donald Trump meets with the Queen.

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Q...

I told my sister I wouldn't sleep with her,

but she incested.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

My sister asked for something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."

Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."

Kid 1: "As if."

Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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I took my little sister to the cinema. Apparently the sex was too graphic.

Everyone asked us to stop.

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My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

I walked in and caught *her* masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.

There's no justice in this world.

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

Accidentally swiped right on my sister on tinder....

Now she knows I was cheating on her :(

What does a microorganism say when they give birth to their sister?

OW! My toe sis.

"A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe film"

"Gladiator?"

"No, I really miss her"

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

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After having a little nap, my wife told me of a dream she had where she walked into the bedroom to find me in bed with her sister having sex.

suddenly a shark came out from under the bed and ate me and her sister.

She said, “It’s funny how things can happen in dreams that wouldn’t happen in real life.”

I said, “Yeah, ridiculous…a shark under the bed.”

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How do you know that your sister is on period?

Because your dad's cock has a different taste.

A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio.

Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

My sister discovered a new universal language but she hasn't said a word

I should've cut off her hands as well

My sister told me this disgusting incest joke that I unfortunately can't share

We prefer to keep it in the family.

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution

A man is driving down a highway on a business trip when he sees a sign that says “Sisters Of Mercy: House of Prostitution - 5 Miles”. He blinks, and imagines he read it wrong until he sees another sign saying the same thing, at 2 miles. Now he’s curious. The next sign tells him to turn left, so he...

Did you know that John Deere has a sister company that no one knows?

Jane Doe

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

My anti-vaxx sister brought her kids over to swim today.

But the only game they played was Marco Polio.

My older sister came back from her first year of college and was talking about her favorite sorority initiation called Boo-Khaki

I didn’t know it was required of sororities to hate on khakis, like whats the big deal?

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A Native American boy asks his father how he chose his sisters names.

His father goes on to explain, “Right after your oldest sister was born, I ran out of the teepee and saw a floating feather. So I named her Floating Feather. After your other sister was born, I ran out of the teepee and saw a shooting star. So I named her Shooting Star. After your youngest sister wa...

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A girl tells her sister that she slept with a Brazilian. To that her sister responds

"You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"

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My sister threw away a perfectly good juul

Except there’s 2 red lines on it and the things tastes like piss

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[NSFW] I walked in on my sister the other day

I walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot the other day, and I said,” Fuck you’re disgusting. I was gonna eat that later, and now it’s just gonna taste like carrots.”

"The players are all idiots!" says my baby sister watching basketball.

"Why do they keep trying to throw the ball?" she asks.

"The basket has a **hole** in it!"

What do you call a crying sister?

A crisis.

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So my sister and her husband just found out she's pregnant. They said they don't know the sex..

But I'm pretty sure it wasn't anal

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley" he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister."

"We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better."

"My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?"

And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

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Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis

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A young boy walks in on his sister masturbating with a vibrator.

Innocent and confused about the anatomy, he asks, "What are you doing? Where is your penis?"



Not wanting to explain the real stuff, the sister replied, "I lost mine in an accident. I was just massaging the wound. "



The boy says, "You should learn from mom. She keeps her...

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve

He says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talk...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

(OC) A man is on trial for sleeping with his sister.

The prosecutor feels it should be an airtight case and tries as hard as he can to organize enough damning evidence as possible to put the perv away for a long time. The trial begins and it is obviously a disturbing proceeding, but there is a shadow of a doubt to whether the man is guilty or innocent...

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta.

Two unrelated Korean girls who lost their sisters at birth met one day at the bar

They found that they looked rather similar. Both simultaneously asked "Did you go to Dr. Lee for plastic surgery?"

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Dirty sister

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

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My mother, my father, my two brothers, my sister and i are all police marksmen, my grandad unfortunately is a armed robber and he died yesturday..

Surrounded by his family...

My sisters so rude...

Yesterday I was just minding my own business and she asks me
"Hey can you tell me what a lake in a desert is?"

Startled, I ignored her question and quickly said
"Oh hey sis!"

And then she just said thanks and left. I can't believe some girls.

My sister and I were both in a biology class.

She sat to right of me, while the door was to the left of me. The professor asked “what is it called when one cell divides into two cells?”. No one answered, which meant he would call out on someone. My sister didn’t want to answer the question so she tried to squeeze her way to the exit through the...

My sister in law is a nurse and she always has a red pen with her.

I asked her why and she laughed and said ...you never know when I may have to draw blood.

Sister wife

Sister wife means something totally different in Alabama than it does in Utah

My sister is going put her grades up for adoption.

When I questioned her about it, she said, "Well, I can't raise them myself."

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

Told by my 12 yr old sister - April Showers Bring May Flowers, but May Flowers...

Bring Pilgrims.

“Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?”

“Because your mom loves roses.”

“Thanks dad!”

“You’re welcome BJ.”

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

A man announces that his sister is pregnant

The crowd cheered and applaused

Until the man said “I am going to be a Dad!”

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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.



"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister...

What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

My sister got captured by terrorists while vacationing in Iraq

But I guess jihad it coming

My sister asked me what this rope is for

But I left her hanging

When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I’m 70, how old is my sister?

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

My little sister is WAY into frozen too much

I told her to let it go

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My Sister Said She's Into Incest

Which was a weird thing to say during sex

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My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

Just waiting for my sister at Heathrow Airport,

as I saw her emerge in arrivals I shouted, "Hi sis, " Never seen as many armed police appear as quickly in my life!

My sister is openly vegan

But she says that she loves her boyfriend's meat

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

If Michelle Obama was Barack Obama’s sister where would they live?

Al-Obama

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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Don't you just hate it when your girlfriend has a twin sister..

and you get confused and fuck her dad.

My sister's going to the Carribbean,

Jamaica?

No, she's going on her own accord

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Honest Confession

This is long, have patience and read it without skipping to the end! :D

A confession in a Facebook page read :

"My sister is a hottie."

Wow... okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but it's late and I am sleep deprived so I guess I'll write it now an...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

My sister always likes to take the stairs, whereas I always prefer the elevator.

I guess we’re raised differently.

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A girl tells her sister about her sexcapades.

She told her blonde sister that she finally did something she always dreamt of doing. She said to her, "I finally fucked a Brazilian." Her sister was amazed! "Oh my god!" she said, "How many is a brazilian?"

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I was fucking my sister and she says, “Wow, you fuck like dad”

I was like, “That’s what mom said”

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking...

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

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Blonde sister

A brunette and blonde sisters r sitting home, the brunette is frantically getting ready n seeming a lil dishelved.

Blonde: "your gona have a great time tonight"

Brunette "Wait up for me?"

Blonde:"Of course"

*Brunette walks in, a mess, at 3am*

Blonde: "soooooo, tel...

My sister came in my room and said this

Ok, so say ketchup and liquor after each sentence ok?


What did you eat for breakfast?

ketchup and liquor


What did you eat for dinner?

ketchup and liquor


What do you do when a girl runs

...
Nice

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A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

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Drinking non alcoholic beer is like giving oral sex to your sister

It tastes similar, But you know it's wrong.

My sister asked me if I knew if a particular egg was bad...

I told her I wouldn't know, since in not an Eggspert.

She didn't get it.

My mother told me to stop playing with my sister...

She says, at least wait until she is born first

My sister wanted to have “fun” with me, I didn’t want to but...

She incested

[NSFW] My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

I gave her a clipboard. I’m such a nice brother.

Why do the Sisters in a convent not trust their gut instincts?

It's usually just nunsense!

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