Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

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My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me this one.

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

I tell Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

This is kind of a dad joke but

I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz t...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?

One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any...

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

What do French children call their adopted dad?

Faux Pa.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

The son speaks to his dad

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

My dad hasn't kissed a single woman other than my mother.

I've seen him kiss plenty of men but I think that's how just he bonds with friends.

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

Me: dad can i marry my grandmom

Dad: You WaNt To MaRrY mY mOm.
Me: you married my mom but u don't see me complain about it

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

I just got the news that my dad’s cancer is in remission

But I’m still hopeful.

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A dad goes to therapy for the suicide of his son.

Therapist: what was the name of your son?
Dad: I believe he said it was, sosickandtiredofthedadjokespleasestoporilljump.

Dad: *washes car with his son*

Son: "You know, we could just use sponge."

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

when does a joke become a dad joke?

when it becomes apparent

Dad Joke

Operator: 911 What's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.

Beware of performing surgery on your Dad . . .

An older gentleman was on the operating table, awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.   

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.   

"Yes, Dad. What is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best. ...

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[NSFW] A boy asked his dad what the C word stood for.

Boy, "Dad, what's a cunt?"

The dad replied, "Grab that marker over there and follow me."

He then went into his bedroom and grabbed a nude picture of his ex-girlfriend out of his dresser. He showed his son the picture and circled the woman's crotch.

The dad said "You see that ...

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#644: A woman goes to buy a parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks "Why is the last one so cheap?"

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fu...

Willow Smith to her friends: "Sorry girls, I can't get jiggy with y'all tonight. My dad said,

'Na na na na nana na'".

My first dad joke.

Nurse: so, this cream is like chapstick for your nipples.

Me: ohhh so nip balm?


Girlfriend: please ignore him.


Dad jokes are coming in strong guys.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Dad Joke #1

I got into an argument with the guy one farm over. He got so mad, he threw a rooster at me.

"Careful now" I said, "Them's fightin' birds."

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

Dad: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valet when they grow up!

Doctor: wow that's the worse case of parking sons disease I've come across.

Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?

The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

Wife: I'm pregnant

Dad: Hey pregnant, I'm dad

Wife: No you're not

"Dad, what's a drunk driver?"

"You see those two cars over there, son? A drunk person would see four of them."

"Dad, there's only one car over there."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

Bad Dad Panda Joke

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
...

-Hey Dad, why is my sister called Margarita?

-Because your mom likes that drink.

-Oh. Thanks dad.

-You’re welcome Bud.

A boy was taking his dad's horse to mate with the neighbour's horse

Upon arriving, the neighbour sees the boy coming along and asks the boy what's he doing.


"I brought the horse to mate with yours."


"Well, and couldnt it be your dad to do it?"


"No, sir. I believe it has to be the horse."

Dad: Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit??

Son: Yeah I doodad

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

Dad joke of the day: what sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

Right before my dad kicked the bucket, he said...

Hey son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name "Rose"?

Dad: Because son, your Mother loves roses


Son: Thanks Dad


Dad: No problem Costco hotdog

Son: “Dad am I adopted?”

Dad: “Not yet son, we haven’t found anyone who wants you yet.”

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A kid asks his father "Dad whats politics?"

"Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Futur...

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My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

When does a joke turn to a dad joke?

When the Punch line becomes a parrent

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?

Trust me, the difference is apparent.

My dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way"

3 months later he called me at 6am to wish me a happy birthday

A dad takes his children on a trip outside the US for the first time...

He looks at his kids and says "remember this moment. It is a huge kilometer-stone in your lives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl wants to come out of the closet as gay, but is afraid of what her parents will think. She decides to tell them, so she says, “Mom, Dad,”

“I’m allergic to nuts”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Mom....Dad.....I'm gay

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: ....Clenches fists

Mom: ....Don't !

Dad: .....Sweats profusely

Mom: .....DON'T !!

Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD !

Why is Caitlyn Jenner’s dad so good at hide and seek?

He’s trans-parent!

Father's Day coming up... let's hear your best dad joke!!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My dream is to make 300K, just like my dad

Does he make 300K? Not really, but he has the same dream

I asked my dad if I was funny

He asked me since when did I change my name.

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

My dad told me to make little things count

That's why I'm teaching maths to dwarfs

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My dad is gay

and he lives with his partner. I'm immune to all "yo mama" jokes.

-Yo mama's so ugly yo dad had to get a husband.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What's the similarity of aliens and my dad?

No one has seen neither of them in a long while

What do you call a man that tells dad jokes but doesn’t have children?

A faux-pa

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'.

An 8-year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take Your Kid to Work Day'. As they were walking around the office, the young girl starting crying and getting very cranky, her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, Daddy, where are all t...

What's my dad's favorite ice cream flavor?

Abandonmint

Ovinophobic drunk dad comes home late at night, belt in hand.

I pretended to be asheep.

Why did the straight buffalo dad march in the pride parade? [OC]

To proudly support his Bison.

My late dad's fave joke

There were 2 fish in a tank



One says to the other,



"How do we drive this thing?"

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A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game

While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.

Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"

Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Timmy replies "no it cannot"

Dad says "then you can't have a beer"

After the game they go to dinner. Dad o...

“Dad, I’m so happy. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

Dad, what kind of Berry is that?

Dad: "It's a blackberry."

Then why is it red?

Dad: "Because it's still green."

After stating that AC/DC was the best 80's band, my dad got mad and said, "What do you know about the 80's? I bet you don't even know who Whitesnake is!"

I just rolled my eyes and said "ugh, Here I go again!"


Happy father's day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, am I adopted?

No.

Why the fuck would I pick you?

Why is Ireland the biggest country in the world?

Because it keeps Dublin (courtesy of my dad).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy asks his dad for a new bike..

"Does your dick touch your asshole? asks his dad.
Looking confused, the boy says "Ummm, I don't know daddy."
"Well then you can't have a new bike." says dad.
A few years go by and the boy (Now 13) asks his dad for a new Mountain Bike.
"Does your dick touch your asshole, son?"
"No, not...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

A man went to his dad's house for a weekend.

For breakfast the man ate eggs,sausage, and toast. He notices there is some food specks from the dinner the night before he asks his dad "hey dad why isn't this plate clean?" his dad responds "it's the best Cold Water could get it".

Around lunch time the man is given a sandwich and chips by h...

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

Dads are like Boomerangs

I hope

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