My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

Dads are just like boomerangs..

.. I hope

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

I handed my dad his 50th birthday card

With tears in his eyes he says

One would've been enough.

I was named after my dad

Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

What's the difference between Coronavirus and my dad?

Coronavirus only takes five days to appear.

Me : Alexa where is my dad?

Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas

Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me

Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes

Sometimes he laughs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases."

"In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how ...

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

At least we know Kobe was a good dad

He wasn't a helicopter parent.

Ultimate Dad Joke

Son: Dad, what noise does an owl make at night?
Dad: Who?

Finally got to pull this one off after 6 years of patiently waiting!!

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday.... said maybe they'll marry eachother.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

My dad recently informed me I am part of the 1%.

He also told me about how condoms have a 99% success rate.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!”

Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Dad jokes are like Corona

Evererybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

My dad just said this and claims he thought of it himself.

An elderly couple, Ed and Martha go out to dinner together. Martha feels a rumble in her stomach and says to Ed, “Ed, I think I just had a silent fart. What should I do?”

Ed replies, “Well, honey, you could start by turning up your hearing aids.”

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter ...

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

[Dad joke] How does Bigfoot tell time?

He's got a Sasqwatch.

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad to me today: you know how poop is called nature's call, right? What do you call a fart then?

Nature's missed call.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me this one so i thought i share it here

A man, a lepricorn and an ostrich walk into a bar. They order their drinks and immediately the lepricorn starts saying im not paying for this, no fucking way am i paying for this, theirs no fucking way. The barman looks confused as the lepricorn continues to swear and the ostrich continues to give h...

If you make a Dad joke and you don't have kids...

Does that make you a faux pas?

My daughter tells everyone how proud she is of her two dads

My wife and I are somewhat less excited about our cross-eyes daughter.

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

My teacher said she'll call my dad and I couldn't be any happier

can't wait to meet him :)

My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

My Dad always said...

... that the first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more.

Great bloke.

Terrible anaesthetist.

A dad was washing his car with his son

After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my dad recently got a job at the hospital

He’s doing circumcisions, i mean it doesn’t pay well but it does put scraps on the table

A kid talks to his dad about coronavirus

Kid: "Dad, why is coronavirus infecting so many people?"

Dad: *explains the biology of a virus and how it affects the immune system*

Kid: "Dad, I don't get it..."

Dad: "Don't worry son, you'll get it soon enough."

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Son: Dad, I’d like to drop out of high school.

Dad: That’s alright son, just remember.
Son: Remember what?
Dad: I don’t like pickles on my Big Mac.
————————————
My topping game sucks, guess I gotta go to McDonald’s more often

My Dad said he wanted to be more transparent with me from now on

Now he’s my mom.

A little boy walks up into his dad's room and sees him putting a condom

The dad turns around and starts looking under the bed to hide it, and says:
Hey! There's a mouse under the bed!

- And what are you gonna do? F**k him? - says the little boy

King of dad jokes

*dad, to waiter* I can’t decide what to have. I’m pretty hungry but don’t want to spend a lot.

*waiter* Well, the chicken strips for $6...

*dad* I’m sure it does, but that doesn’t help me decide what to have for lunch.

Courtesy to my dad

Puns make me numb but maths puns makes me number

I didn’t believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,<...

"You're a wizard's best friend, Dad."

Emma Watson?

My Dad shows me a 30 min PowerPoint on why I should wear condom

my photos were on every slide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid gets back from his field trip to the zoo where his dad is at the school waiting for him

Dad - “hey son how was your trip”

Son - “it was so cool I got chased by a lion”

Dad - “omg son what happened”

Son - “I saw it chasing some so I ran as fast as I could”

Dad - “and then what happened”

Son - “right as it was catching up, it slipped!”

Dad ...

Dad: you know, I killed 15 people when I was in Iraq.

Son: dad, you told me that you were a helicopter engineer.

Dad: I never said I was a good one.

[dad joke incoming] Why were the teenage melons sad?

Because they cantaloupe.

Why are “Dad Jokes” so good?

Because the punchline is apparent.

Why do Iowans have so many dad jokes?

Because they’re corny

I like telling dad jokes even though I'm not a dad.

I'm a faux pa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Typical dad humor

Me: Walks in on my dad sticking a bullet up his ass

Me: ''What are young doing dad?''

Dad: ''I'm fucking around''

Me: \*shocked face\*

My dad: \*wheezing\*

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”

His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”

If I had a quarter for every time my dad beat me I would have $0.00

because I don't have a dad

My dad says the only difference between a good meal and a good time..

is where you put the cucumber.

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through a park when they saw two dogs going at it.

"What are they doing?" Little Johnny asked.

"They're making a puppy." was the reply.

Later that night, Little Johnny walked in on his parents. "What are you doing?"

"We're making you a sibling."

"Well, turn her over. I want a puppy."

A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

A boy ate a picture of his dad.

He was soon spitting image of his father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a clitoris?" The dad, quite surprised, answers:

"Well listen son, a clitoris is a... uh - hmmm... Dang it! I forgot but I swear it was right on the tip of my tongue!"

Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, "This tastes more Norwegian to me."

My friend replied immediately, "How could you possibly know that?"

I replied, "I was going to tell you, but you didn't let me Finnish!"

A dad decides to take his young son to a zoo for the first time.

He found a poster for a zoo that was opening in town with free entry the first day. So he takes his son down to the zoo, but he finds out that the poster was a ploy.

The only animals there were dogs! It was an animal adoption disguised as a zoo to get people to come in and adopt!

The d...

My dad is a wizard

He can turn whiskey into domestic violence

Dad Joke of the Day

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

Dad, what are mixed feelings?

Johnny asked his father. "Dad, what are ‘mixed feelings". Johnny's dad thinks for a while before replying " It is like when I lent your car to my mother-in-law, and she falls down a cliff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American lad asked his dad how they got their names.

Well son, the morning after a child is born the father leaves the Teepee and the child is names after the first thing he sees. That is how your sisters Wild Flower and Running Deer got their names. And how your brothers Red Cloud and Soaring Eagle got their names. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: Look, there's a flock of cows!

Kid: 'Herd'.

Dad: What?

Kid: 'Herd' of cows.

Dad: Of course I've heard of cows. There's a whole fuckin' flock of 'em right there!

when i was five, my dad put snowballs in the blender to make a slushie

i miss snowballs, she was a good cat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.

So the dad tells him to go and ask his sister, mother, and grandmother whether or not they would be willing to sleep with a man for 1 million dollars.

The boy asks his grandmother who says "for much less"

Then his mother who says "beats sleeping with that broke son of a bitch you call ...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore.

Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

I told my dad that he should embrace his mistakes

He had tears in his eyes. Then he hugged my sister and me.

When I was seven my dad told me he would give me the life He never had

Nice to know he was happy

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Hey dad, I'm cold

Go to the corner son, it's 90 degrees

The best thing about opening presents signed by "mom and dad"

Is the fact that my dad is just as surprised about what's in there as I am

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

Dad: What are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy milk.

Dad: Hola milk, soy es tu padre!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad sent me to pay the electric bill...

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especiall...

Son: Dad what's an alcoholic

Dad: well you see those Two kids ove there an alcoholic would see 4
Son: looks closely, but dad i only see one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

My dad told me to get an organ donor card...

He’s a man after my own heart!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found my dad’s old hidden porn collection when we were cleaning out his attic.

Really vintage stuff. I’m glad I found it though, I had forgotten how blonde my hair used to be.

"Dad, I found a wife for me"

"That is good son, Who is it?"

"It is grandma."

"That is my mother"

"You can marry mine and I can't marry yours. What kind of logic is that?"

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dad and his son were driving on the highway

Son: Dad I have to poop

Dad: Can you hold it?

Son:

Dad:

Son: ...like in my hand?

Dad: OKAY! We're pulling over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

“Dad, can you turn up the tv?”

“I can’t hear you, sweetie! The TV is too loud.”

Son: Hey Dad, I'm going to the pool to meet girls, any advice?

Dad: Just put this tennis ball inside your trunks. The will line line up to talk to you.

After a while, The son went back crying.


Son: Hey Dad! It didn't work, They all left me when i jump right in!

Mom: Dad's not here son. But why do you have a tennis ball at the back of yo...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

My dad told me i act like a disabled person today.

I told him how much of an insult it was. Why would a disabled person want to be like me?

Where do most dads go in 2020?

They go out for a pack of Juul

What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan.

I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig...

But one look and I realized it was a small price toupee!

When my dad died, he left me his Subaru.

It was his final Legacy.

Dad Joke of the Day

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

I cried when my dad chopped Onions

Onions was a good dog.

My dad: *makes that's what she said joke* me: stop I'm only 10

My dad: thats what she said

What is the most popular dad joke in Alabama

Hi cumming, im dad

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

My dad’s favourite joke (he always does this with the accents)

An Englishman in Sweden goes to the chemist:

Englishman - "I’d like to buy deodorant please" Swedish chemist - "Ball or aerosol?"
Englishman - “No, armpits"

The very last thing my dad said to me before he died was 'You need one of those things that you can shred cheese with'...

That was some grate advice.

I like playing the game guess who with my dad. He’s currently winning

Cause I still can’t figure out who he is.

Daughter: Dad why did you named me Rose?

Dad: Because a rose fell into your crib when you were a baby.

Son: Waaaabuoaaaadaa!!!

Dad: Shut up Brick!

Dad Joke of the Day

What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!

My dad works as a chiropractor and sees two patients at once.

Back to back.

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

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