UPJOKE
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Dad Jokes

Son asks dad “how much does marriage cost?”

Dad: “i don’t know son I’m still paying for it”

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains

A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You cant do that here!"

I said "Why not?"

He said "You have to cremate him first!"

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

My dad left his job

He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between toilet paper and a curtain?" Dad: "I don't know."

Son: "So it was you."

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."

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Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day...

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

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"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!

“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

*Dad walks into strip club*

Dad: “Twerking hard or hardly twerking?”

Dad my girlfriends pregnant

"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son are in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs" He says.

While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

"You're lying" they retort.

Okay, I'll ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

My Dad just told me this:

Where do bad rainbows go?

(They go to Prism)

They get a light sentence though, it's only so they can have time to reflect. :D

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

Just another dad joke

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

A dad told his 15 year old son that he would buy him a car…

…in 6 months on his 16th birthday if he (the son) got a job, made all “A’s” in school, started going to church every week and cut his hair. The son agreed to do all four things.

Six months go by and the dad told his son, “Son, you got a job, you are going to church every Sunday and are making...

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

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My dad told me people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint

"Say your last words!"

"Your last words!"

-






Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.

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They said that my dad was gay.

Now I am trying to figure out which one.

Son: Dad, how do stars die?

Dad: Drugs, usually.

A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”

The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."


He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"


The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."


After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”



The dad rep...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

My dad always said to me, “If you ever meet a girl with a terrible tattoo, try to marry her.”

“She makes bad decisions, but sticks with it.”

My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”

That’s….sound advice.

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago:

Why are bacteria so bad at math?

Because they multiply by dividing.

RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots.

Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

I happily dad joked my fiancé

While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side.

To which I replied, "At least you won't smell half bad!"

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks:

'Dad, what's Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will...

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice

Must be why I'm an only child

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"

"Shut up, and keep digging"

Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him "What's wrong?"

Nervous, the kid asks, "How long do I have to go to school for?"

"Until you're 18" says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

=== =====

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says "Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I'm 18,...

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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“A divorced dad, a Nazi, and a crazy person walk into a bar…”

The bartender looks up from polishing a glass and says “Oh, hi Kanye.”

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept saying "be positive"

I'll try but it's hard without him.

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies “1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?”

My dad asked me, “Did you get an A in your Spanish exam?”

Me: C.

Dad: Well done. I knew you can do it!

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

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This is the first dirty joke my dad ever told me

So Dopey and the other seven dwarves go to visit the pope. Doc goes up to the pope and asks, "Pope can you tell me, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

He thinks for a moment. "No", he says, "There are no dwarf nuns in the Vatican."

The other dwarves chuckle.

"Well can yo...

Stupid joke my dad told me when I was a kid, never forgot it.

So, the story goes that there was this town that had a big red lever in the middle of the town square. The lever, if pulled, would destroy the world. Because of this the lever was heavily guarded at all times. Here is where we introduce a man in that town. His name was Nate. Nate grew up around that...

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

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A dad was driving with his daughter.

When suddenly a huge dick hit the windshield of the car. The daughter asks his dad "What was that?". The dad not wanting to ruin his daughter's innocence answers "Oh that was nothing, just a fly." The daughter relieved, says "Whew. That fly sure had a big dick."

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?”

“We’ve updated our privacy policy”

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to hi...

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

My dad posted this to Facebook

An Irishman, Mick, was on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.” He had already won 500,000 euros. “You’ve done very well,” said the presenter, “but for a million euros, you’ve only got one lifeline left, phone a friend. “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? A) Sparrow B) Thrush C) Ma...

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”

She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”

He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft...

I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid

The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

What’s the difference between your dad and an elevator

An elevator can raise a child

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

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My daughter asked me today:"Dad, What is sex?"

I had feared this moment would come and didn't think it would come this soon but nevertheless I was prepared.
So I sat her down and explained it all. The birds and the bees, the different sexual orientations, all the positions and of course I had to mention all the STD's and the rules of safe ...

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My son asked me, “Dad, why is it important to use a condom during sex?’

I said, “Usually, it’s to avoid answering questions like this.”

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

Dadding is not easy

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DN...

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

My son asked me, “Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge?” I smiled and said, “Sure..."

"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.”

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

Joke my dad loved

What's the last thing each tickle-me-elmo doll gets before leaving the factory?


Two test tickles

My dad said 'Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't.

So i went in and he was right.





I saw my dad.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was a good dog

Dad, I'm cold..

Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

Dad peels banana...

When i was six or so my dad started this routine every time he ate a banana...

Dad:
peels the first strip of the banana peel...
"One skin"
Peels the second strip...
"Two skin"
"Three skin"
"Five skin"

Me: "What happened to the Four skin"

Dad: "Jewish banana"...

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his dad...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid ha...

I like to tell dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

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