People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.

In a dad-a-base

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, how many types of boobs are there?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, suprised, answers "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice and hang...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

What does orange juice and my dad have in common?

They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

Dad, why is that book so thick?

"It's a long story"

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said...

“You know, one would’ve been enough!”

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

I don’t know if this is original but my dad told this to me many years back.

A company decides to enlist a few people to help with the running of their factory, A Swiss for the time, a German for leadership, a French for the food and a Chinese for the supplies. On the first day the German walks around the factory looking at everyone and everyone is doing their jobs, he sees ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “look at the frickin’ elephant, dad!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...


“What did you just call it?” I asked.


“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!” he said, and so it did, African Elephant.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

My Dad used to beat me with a camera.

I still have flashbacks.

Best dad joke by my dad

Is me

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?


DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?


MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????


DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.

Dad's are like boomerangs

They come back and hit you

When does a Joke become a Dad Joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

My dad works at Microsoft!

He's a Janitor

A son and dad are waiting in a busy, popular barber shop. Dad says, “This place is a cookout...”

First there’s a barber queue, then you get a fresh, tasty cut.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Dad: "Son, what are you drinking" "Soy milk?"

Son: "Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"

My son: Dad, I'm going to tell you a pun.

My son: Dad, I'm going to tell you a pun.

Me: What's that, son?

Son: It's like a joke, but you play with words.

I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

A guy asks his dad to buy him a new car

Guy: dad can you buy me a new car

Dad: sure, but first you have to do something for me...

Guy: what is it?

Dad: go to the backyard and write down the name of every tree we have and bring the list to me

The son goes to the backyard, and comes back an hour later with a list...

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my m...

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"

He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dad in winter?

One cold motherfucker.

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

My dad is a social distancing champion!!!

I havent seen him since 2005

My dad just got a tall new grill and I’m worried he’ll get hurt trying to use it.

The steaks have never been higher.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Yes, we arson.

I cried when my dad chopped onions

Onions was a good dog

A boy asks his dad...

Boy: Why is my sister named "Teresa"?

Dad: "Teresa" is an anagram for Easter and your mom really loves Easter

Boy: Thanks dad

Dad: You're welcome, Alan

Haven’t seen my Indian girlfriend in almost a month because her dad “forbids it”.

Screw you Soshul Distin Singh!

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby whale : "Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad whale: "You came from my penis, son"

Baby whale : "Ok cool. Thanks, Dad"

Dad whale : "You're whale cum"

My son calling me dad was my breaking point

I finally shaved my legs

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

I accidentally played dad instead of dead when i encountered a bear

Now it can ride a bicycle without training wheels.

What were the balloon’s last words to his dad...

... watch me Pop!

KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

A man said to his dad : dad, tell me a joke

The dad said, "vagina"
The man replied " i don't get it"
To which the father responded " I'm sure you don't "

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese man told his dad about his failed knee surgery.

His dad replied, "No Knee"?

Back when I was younger, my dad took me to Hooters once...

He told me, "The food might suck, but if you get lucky the girls might too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

### He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

This is one of my dad's favorite jokes

There are three elephants in a bathtub.

Clyde says to Claude "Pass the soap."

Claude says "No soap radio."









\*I'm curious if anyone knows the joke

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

It’s not a dad bod

If you need a male influence in your life and he has a dad bod, don’t call it a dad bod, but more of a....father figure

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

Why did a dad take his son to a burger shop before leaving forever?

To get him a bison burger

Dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut!

I had a wonderful childhood. I remember the summer of 1992, my dad put me in a tire and rolled me down a big hill.

It was a Goodyear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

I want to die like my dad in his sleep

But not like the passengers in his car

My daughter just yelled at me, "Dad you haven't listened to a word I said!"

I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation.

I came up with a dad joke while going to the store to buy cigarettes!

It never came back to me :(

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.

He always wanted to be a millionaire too.

A kid goes to his father and says, “Dad, there’s water in the car’s carburetor”.

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

I tried to create an organization for dads to protest drunk driving

But it was just a FADD.

I just broke two of my dads old queen albums.

Now I want to break three.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?

Son: No, it was Fuck.

How come you can’t tell a dad joke around a cop?

They will beat you to it.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

“Dad, why did you guys name me Achilles?”

“Well son, you did break through the Trojan wall.”

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer


Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

What's the difference between a Boomerang and my Dad?

The Boomerang always comes back.

My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

„Dad, can I talk with you about sex with my girlfriend?“

„Yes, what about it?“
„Please stop.“

This little girl asked her Dad:

Daaad! Why am I called Rose?

Because, my dear, a little after you were born, a rose fell on your head, and so we called you Rose.

Then his son Cinderblock asked him the same question:

AAAAGEHHHHRREBAJSIAMAAA EEEEEETHHHHH

My dad is moving to a Spanish city

Ciudad

A child asked his dad," how are coins made".

The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".

Then the child responded," That makes cents".

Have I ever told you my Dad was a stilt walker?

I really looked up to him.

I was named after my dad

Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

TIFU by telling my dad his girlfriend cheated on him.

In all fairness, I could’ve sent the wedding invitations through the mail instead...

Dad, why is my sister called Makeup Tutorial?

Because it was in your mom's browser history.

Ok, thank you dad.

No problem,

Dad jokes are so wholesome because ...

they're home-groan!

Dad jokes are like hot dogs.

Frankly, I can’t get enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boobs are like legos

They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them

A boy came to a restaurant with his dad

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Dad: I'll have the rabbit stew.

Waiter: Ok. Only if you promise not to say ''Waiter, there's a hare in my stew'' after I bring it to you

Dad:

Waiter:

Dad: I'll have the chicken

My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years.

The Boomer Rang

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad always said, "if ifs and buts were pots and pans the world would be a kitchen"

I guess then I'd be pansexual.

My 6 year old is coming up with dad jokes: What do you call Optimus Prime if he gets a tick?

Optimis-tick

I would like to shoutout my dad. He taught me to walk away from mistakes.

Please come back I miss you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

You know why people dont make "your dad" jokes?

Because they cant see him behind your mom.

A BOY TELLS HIS DAD CORONA WONT LAST LONG

The dad asks why and the boy replies it's made in china.

South American dad joke.

Son: "I'm going to take the herd of llamas up to the pasture in the mountains."

Mom: "Thats a really far walk, you're gonna get hungry."

Dad: "Dont worry, alpaca lunch for him."

My Dad has got a great new job. He has 600 men under him.

He cuts grass at the graveyard.

A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store

He bought some whiskey, and tequila

When he got home, he set them on the table

His son immediately picked up both bottles

The dad asks "What are you doing?!"

The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"

I don’t often tell dad jokes.

He’s pretty deaf and I have to repeat them a lot. It’s really frustrating to repeat jokes and it just never is funny the second let alone third time I tell it. I think he has dementia too.

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him...

Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

My dad finally woke up from his conspiracy theory and realized that cyanide couldn’t kill the coronavirus.

It was a hard pill to swallow

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!


Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

Statistically speaking, the data I have collected indicates my dad jokes are quite funny...

I guess you can call it dada science...

My dad threw every social studies book away except one

It was history...

As told by my son. The student has become the dad joke master.

While eating porkchops out back.

Me: Hey, you want a bone to chew on?
Son: Gnaw bro.

I asked my dad for some words of wisdom...

He said I can’t, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)

Son: "Dad am I adopted?"

Dad: " No,not yet. The papers have only been posted for 20 minutes."

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Little Johnny yells upstairs: "Dad, there's a salesman here with a moustache."

"Tell him I've got one."

My dads last words to me

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

Best dad joke ever.

Son : Dad, why was I named after you?

Dad : Because it would have been weird if you were named before me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Steve. You're not a Jedi."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!

Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.

What's the difference between dad jokes and bad jokes?

The first letter.



PS: as a dad I'm allowed.

My dad works in Heating and Air Ventilation in a Walmart

He gets asked if he works there, he says no I'm a huge Fan

A dad was holding his daughter in his arms wandering the insides of their new home.

Daughter: "What's upstairs?"

Dad: "Stairs don't talk, sweetie"

Son: dad instead of going home on bus I ran behind it and saved 2 dollars!

Dad: why didn't you run behind a cab? You would have saved 15 dollars!?

A police officer turned up at my house the other day and told me my dad was pronounced dead

I couldn’t believe I’d been pronouncing it wrong all this time

I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us

He's not dead, just very condescending

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

whats the healthier sister version of a dad bod?

an auntie-body

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

I was in the car with my dad, when he ran over a cat!

I said, "Dad! You just hit a cat! Didn't you see it?"

And he says, "I hit it, didn't I?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do my dad and an antique door have in common?

They're both worth more than they used to be, even though they're unhinged and their knobs don't work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

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