As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

I was feeling a little down, so I told my dad, “Dad, I feel worthless.”

Dad: Don’t forget that you have thousands of dollars of student debt. So technically you’re less than worthless.

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?

Trust me, the difference is apparent.

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.

It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

Dad joke: What's blue and doesn't weigh very much?

Light blue.

My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad get...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "...

Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

Your dad is in prison and he's got a stutter.

He's never going to finish his sentence.

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.

“How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”

I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed.

I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you.<...

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican

Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

Dads are like Boomerangs

I hope

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, ...

"Dad, I am cold"

He: "Go to the corner, that's 90 degrees "

Do you know how to catch a bear?

Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by.

When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. ...

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

A Jewish kid asks his dad for $5...

"$4?! What do you need $3 for?"

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad’s best friend is gay,

So is my other dad’s best friend

I asked my Dad: "Hey Dad, if I was ugly, would you still love me?"

He said: " What do you mean if? What do you mean still? And what do you mean Dad?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny

One day in a school room:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to...

A young boy asks his dad:

"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"

The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."

It's with a heavy heart that I give a shout-out to my dad who couldn't be with us to see Endgame tonight. I miss you with all my heart.

Maybe pre-order your tickets on time next time, moron.

Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Simple Math (Read out loud for best effect)

Teacher: A guy plants 3 saplings and they all grow up. How many trees are there?

Student: Easy, 3.

Teacher: No, Tree plus Tree plus Tree equals 9.

Student: Wha-

Teacher: Now a truck drives by and splats mud on all the trees. How many trees now?

Student: 9?

T...

“Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?”

“Because your mom loves roses.”

“Thanks dad!”

“You’re welcome BJ.”

18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!

Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight.

18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that.

Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

The father says, "Well, son, it's easier for me to show you with an example. Why don't you ask your brother, your sister and your mom the same question, and then come back with what you've learned."

"O...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s the best way to describe your Dad?

A motherfucker!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son asks his dad, "Tell me a joke!"

And his dad replies, "Pussy!"

The son tells him, "I don't get it..."

And his dad says, "I know you don't."

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

My Dad Told Me This One, You Might Know It

3 men are on top of a cliff. A mystical diety approaches them.

"I will grant you one wish, you just have to jump off the cliff!" His voice booms.

The first man, being power hungry, wished to be a lion, king of the jungle. He jumps off and screams "Lion!" And becomes one at the b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My kid asked me “Dad, where did we come from?”

Well I decided that if he starts asking these questions he’s old enough for the sex talk, So I explained everything to him, Better hear it from me than anybody else, After I was done I asked “So what made you ask this question?”

He said” Well my friend James said his family came here from Ire...

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

What do u call a unicorns dad?

What do u call a unicorns Dad?

Popcorn!?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Dad, look! I'm a 3D printer!"

"Chris, close the god damn door if you're taking a shit"

Son: "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Dad: "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

They warned me that my dad that workes for the highways department was a kleptomaniac.

I refused to believe it but when we went to his office, All the signs were there.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad did not beat cancer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

My dad left to go get milk last year...

Unlike your dad, he came home that day!

I like the voices in my head like I like my dads

Always there, never to lea— SHUT UP DAVE!

My dad finally got a job, and he has over a 1,000 people under him.

He’s cleaning headstones at the cemetery.

One boy tell the other: "There is an easy way to get what you want"

The other boy said, "How?"

"Tell people you know their secret"

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10"

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't ...

Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Dad jokes and Yo Mama jokes seem like they'd be the same

But the difference is a parent.

My dad is comparable to God

I mean, both of them created me, both of them are father figures, and I have never seen either of them, but they both supposedly exist.

My dad showed me a magic trick. He did very well.

He really did disappear.

“Dad” says son, “what’s the difference between theory and reality”?

“I’ll explain” says Dad. “MOTHER! Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” says mother, giggling.

“DAUGHTER! Would you sleep with Harry Styles for a million bucks?”

“Yes I would” she says, blushing.

“There you go son” says Dad. “Theoretically we ...

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Son proudly tells Dad : “Dad, I lost my virginity!”

Dad : “That’s my boy! Let’s sit down and celebrate this!”

Son: “I can’t sit down it kinda hurts..”

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,

I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a...

Dad Joke

An airplane crashed into our house last night.

It was my Dad's fault though,

he left the landing light on!

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

&nbsp;

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me na...

BJ: Dad why did you name me BJ?

Dad: Because I wished you were one!

My dad always believed in learning things by doing them.

So when I was a kid, he threw me in the lake...

&#x200B;

So that he could teach himself CPR

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Credit: Anthony Jeselnik

I dont know why dad jokes get a bad rap, women love dad jokes.

Otherwise they'd call them bachelor jokes.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

“Yes, we arson.”

My dad bought a new farm, so he asked me to move the chicken coop over to the new land

It was a very heavy bird den

My 5 y/old daughter told me no more Dad Jokes.

I told her that the only Dad Joke around here is You.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school.

The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she say...

"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."

"Thanks dad."

"Sure thing Alan."

My dad told me

Never to go to a cheap, sleazy, dirty, raunchy strip club.

Because you'll see something, you really shouldn't.

So I went.

And I saw my dad.

My Dad made a joke abput chocolate

It wasn’t that funny, i only snickered

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

I'm so excited to finally get a dad bod

It's the first time I've ever had a father figure

My dad always taught me to fight fire with fire:

Which is probably why he lost his job as a fire fighter.

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most people coming out: Mom, dad, I’m gay

JK Rowling coming out: Mom, dad, you’re gay

It’s clear why my mom makes so many dad jokes...

She’s transparent.

My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him.

Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

My dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up

I said " I want to be an astronaut like the great Neil Armstrong, but instead of going to the moon I'm going to the sun!"

My father called me a dumbass, he told me the sun was too hot and nobody can go to the sun because they will die.

I told him " You're the dumbass pops! I'm going ...

My dad´s always complaining about the cost of things...

"€1.50 for a coffee? €3.75 for a miserable ham sandwich?" Honestly, he was moaning about it all afternoon. That´s the last time I invite him over to my house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

MOM! Dad hung himself in the attic.

April fools! He hung himself in the basement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my Dad most people spend more time pooping than exercising.

He said "I know, pooping takes a lot out of me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time doing stand up was a lot like my first time having sex

I only lasted 1 minute, every one involved was disappointed, and my dad didn't come.

What did the Buffalo dad say when dropping off his son at school?

Bison

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad

When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

My dad has never beat me

I would have to meet him first

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

&#x200B;

“Who?” the son asks.

&#x200B;

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?

Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.

The son "Dad, what's between Mama's legs?"

The dad replied, "The doors to heaven."

The son asked, "What's between your legs?"

The dad says, "The keys to that door"

The son says, "Well you better change the lock cause the neighbor's got the spare."