My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

A chinese kid asks his father: "Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?"

He replies: "I am not your dad"

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.

This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down.

The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens ...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.....

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Dad buys a lie detector robot (not my joke)

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "i did some school work." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." D...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

As he died, he kept insisting “BE POSITIVE,” but it’s really hard without him.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home all the signs were there.

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

It must suck to have two dads

You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom".

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.

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A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

My boyfriend and my dad have the same name

This causes me to mess up a lot. For example I accidentally sent a nude to my boyfriend

My 6yo told me a dad joke: What kind of key has no lock?

A turkey.

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One of my dads favorite jokes....

A young man from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in San Antonio."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him th...

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

When does a bad joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent

My dad said -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest things can get

I just said "0K, Boomer"

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My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol.

He is not a drinker, just shitty at crosswords.

In his job, my dad's never lost a case.

That makes him Heathrow's top baggage handler.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

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When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.

Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

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I think my dad might be gay.

Just not sure which one.

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

Son: Dad, what’s an alcoholic.

Dad: Well son, see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8.

Son: But dad, there are only 2 cars.

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

I hate how people make jokes about 9/11 my dad died

He was a good pilot

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

I love telling dad jokes.

He used to laugh at them before he died.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: No, why would I pick you?

My dad beat cancer like he beat his kids;

Not at all

I don’t have a “dad bod.”

I have a father figure.

Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt?

They are called mummy jokes.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions...

I’m gonna miss that dog.

Dad, what was the best birthday gift mom ever gave you?

\- It was you, my son.

\- But dad I wasn't born on your birthday, my birthday is exactly 3 months before yours.

\- Exactly

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

My dad always brags that his was the first profession to go completely digital.

He’s a proctologist.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

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My 6 year old and I were at the store and he saw a woman with large breasts and he yelled “Dad, look at those big boobies!!” I whispered to him, “It’s not polite to say boobies, it might embarrass her”.

He thought for a minute and yelled “Dad, look at those chest cheeks!!”

(True story, that’s my boy)

My Dad put together my bed recently without any hex nuts,

It fell apart within a few days, I asked my dad why he didn't put them on.

"Its November."

A dad joke courtesy of my dad

As we were getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner, someone asked "What time is it?". My dad replied "McCormick's".

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

My dad told me this joke:

A guy walks into a bar and he says
"Ow! Who put that there?"

Whenever I asked my dad if we could have pets, he said no.

He said, “Pets are just a step backwards.”

When I was 7 years old, I realized that Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and my dad all had the same handwriting.

Good thing none of those things actually exist.

“Dad, what’s the quickest way to get to the airport?”

Dad: Terminal velocity.

4 year old boy: "Dad I've decided to get married"

Dad: "Wonderful. Who's the girl?"

Son: "Yes, Grandma! She loves me, she cooks for me, she tells me stories."

Dad: "That's nice, but there is one problem."

Son: "What's that?"

Dad: "She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?!"

Son: "Why not? You marri...

condolences to the family - Dad Joke

Friends daughter hit a deer she was shaken but not hurt car was pretty messed up

told him I give my condolences and that he should reach out to the deers family for help with the deductible.

He for good reason gives a look of bewilderment and asked why

with the best dad response...

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Dad, what is a firefighter's least favourite letter?

Dad: R, son

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

My dad said that if you do what you love you would not work a day in your life.

I love drugs

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Dad rabbit teaches son rabbit how to reproduce

The dad puts three female rabbits in front of him and explains:

Dad "look son, we're rabbits and we do it fast, like one
two three" *Dad fucks all 3 female rabbits in seconds*

Dad: "Now you try son"


Son: *onnneee......twwwooo.....*


Dad: "no no son, I said fas...

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

how do you know that a is a joke a "dad joke"?

When it is a-**parent**

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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

My dad always said to "fight fire with fire."

We weren't very surprised when he got fired from the fire department...

A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

I used to make a dad joke every year

But now I am not sure if I can continue this tradition any father.

My dad once said...

"never date a girl that goes on a diet." He said

I asked "why ?"

He said "because if she can leave food then she will leave you too."

Me : *Washing car with son*

Son : "Dad.. Can't you just use a sponge...?"

"Robot Walks in to a bar .... "

Robot walks into a bar Orders a drink, lays down a bill Bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve robots"And the robot says, "Oh, but someday you will"

**Bonus:**

Boy wants a car from his dad Dad says, "First, you got to cut that hair"Boy says, "Hey, Dad, Jesus had long hair"And Dad says, "...

A man comes home will a big block of Swiss cheese.

He tells his family he brought cheese so they could make nachos for dinner.

His oldest son, who is kind of a know-it-all, says, "Dad, you brought the wrong kind of cheese."

His dad replies, "Really, the guy I stole it from specifically said, 'That's nacho cheese!'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid and his homework

KID: Dad, What are gays?

DAD: Well, you see your mom and I love each other very much. The same can be applied to two men.

KID: Ohh. So what is penetrating gays

DAD: Read me the entire sentence.

KID: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"

DAD:

ROBOT MAN

A dad makes a robot that slaps people when they lie.



"Son, why were you not at school yesterday?"

"I was at school"

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! I was watching a move with a friend."

The robot slaps the kid.

"FINE! It was an erotic movie."

...

Young Timmy needed eyeglasses, but he refused to wear them...

“But son,” urged his dad, “you’ll be able to see so much better.”

“I can see just fine, Dad,” protested Timmy. “Why, I can see that dog coming up the street three blocks away, and I can tell he has only one eye.”

“Timmy,” said his father in exasperation, “that dog isn’t coming up the s...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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Andrew and John are getting into a fight in a bar...

Andrew "Man, you're such a pussy."

John "..."

Andrew "Did you know your mom is pretty easy?"

John "..."

Andrew "In fact, I think I'll go and do her right now."

John "Shut up dad, you're drunk.".

A father says to his son: Son, you're adopted

Son asks in shock: Who is my real dad?

Father: Me, but your new parents are coming in thirty minutes, so pack your stuff

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

Do you know what is actually NSFW?

My deadbeat unemployed dad.

Not suitable for work? Yeah, all the companies he got fired from think so.

John asks his father...

John asks his father: Dad? where do my brothers come from? To which father answers: "from a stork." To which John says: there are so many beautiful women and you decide to f*ck a stork?

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes after 10?”

“Jack.”

I found out my dad was cheating my on my mom with an obese woman.

I guess you could say he was screwing a-round.

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

Does anyone know what my dad does with his belt when he takes it off?

Beats me...

What's the name of Johnson's dad ?

John





(ok sorry )

I walked into the guitar shop & couldn't decide which plectrum to get

The guy at the counter: Why are you so picky?

Me: Don't come at me with that plucky attitude

Dad: Let's go home don't pick a fight

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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

-First you circle them 3 times, let them see your fin, let them get away, circle them 2 more times and let them get away, them after waiting a little you can eat them.

-But dad, that sounds way too tedious, I'll just swim right next to them and eat them.

- oh no son, trust me, you don'...

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

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Spy

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 -year old
son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on
all the street activities.

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;
<...

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

This one is just gold

Found this one while playing a game, and i honestly still can't stop laughing:

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.

There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.”

Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, ...

I searched Google images for examples of Rorschach tests...

But all I found were pictures of my dad hitting me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brand New Car

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket to win a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a bran...

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Son: * Drops a glass of water *

Dad : *sighs * such a sloppy bastard
Mom: Well, he isn't sloppy!

A toad comes in for a loan...

Paddy Wack worked at a bank. Once on a busy winter morning, a toad came into the bank asking for some money.

The toad asked for a small loan, about $200. Paddy Wack asked him if he had ever taken out a loan before, and he said no.

Paddy wack said; “Mr. Toad, you have no evidence that...

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

Dad saw his son coming out of the bar totally drunk

With heavy heart

Dad: My dear Son, do you really think this is good for you?

Son: No Dad, this place sucks, let's go to the other bar.

Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

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