"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

A dad is lost in the Dad Joke Hall of Fame...

He's looking around when he comes upon a hallway full of people. At the other end of the hallway he sees a boxer just knocking people out one at a time. So, he quickly pushes past all of the people and asks the boxer,

"Excuse me sir, is this the punchline?"

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,

"No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom and dad are stars on pornhub.

Can't wait to see their faces when they find out.

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store.

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, if you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "y...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

A man is washing his car with his son. The son says “dad..

can we use the sponge now”

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it is apparent.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

One night, Billy walked into his parents’ bedroom and found his dad fooling around in bed with his mom.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asked.

“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied.

“What’s Mom doing?”

“Oh, she’s my wild card.”

That weekend, Billy went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling arou...

What’s the difference between my dad and a boomerang?

A boomerang doesn’t beat me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her...

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad: "because your mother loves Roses"

Son: "oh, ok, thanks Dad"

Dad: "No problem Costco Hotdog"

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

Here’s a dad joke for you all

One day, a magician was driving down the road.

Then poof, he turned into the driveway

Son: What is the best dad joke you ever made?

Dad: You.

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure"

Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

An Arab student studying in Europe phones his dad

Dad: How's your life going son?

Son: It's going well, Dad.

Dad: Is something wrong? You don't sound happy.

Son: No Dad, everything's fine. Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here

Dad: Son, tell me the truth. I know something's not right.,

So...

My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one...

Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?

Me: No clue, son

Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

“Dad, have you seen my sun glasses?”

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My mom divorced my dad and got remarried to a ladder

It’s now my step ladder

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad walks in on son masturbating

Dad: Son, if you keep masturbating you’re going to go blind.

Son: Dad, I’m over here.

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

I broke two of my dads Queen records...

Now I want to break three.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad accidentally walks in on his 18 year old daughter engaging in coitus with her boyfriend.

His daughter says:
"Dad! I'm Sorry..."

Dad replies "Hi Sorry!" before turning to the boy and asking "Are you fucking Sorry?"

When i was a kid I caught my mother blowing my dad.

Upon asking my mother what she was doing, she replied, "Daddy's been drinking lately and his tummy got bloated. I'm just sucking out the air, dear."

Confused, I replied, "But what's the point. When you go out for work, the lady next door comes and blows it back in".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember the time my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill

But instead I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained what I did to my dad and he beat the crap out of me.

The next morning when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside. We all cried, mainly me. Because the car was from the electr...

real dad joke at Niagara Falls

We did a tour behind the Falls in Niagara. We were leaving the tour and going up the elevator:

Elevator Operator: is this your first time?

Me: no I've been on many elevators.

When it comes to what I like most about dad jokes, I will say this:

this

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

My dad told me to stop petting the cat because its claws were starting to dig into his skin.

I kept petting the cat. Who am I to stop this poor soul from getting what it kneads?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating.

The boy, curious asks him, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "This is called masturbating, and pretty soon you will be doing it also."

The kid, puzzled, asks, "How do you know that?"

The father goes "Because my arm is getting tired."

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you fuck your dad's sister?

Up the ante

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was a WWII veteran.

During the Battle of Britain, in just one day, he destroyed 8 German aircrafts killing 32 Nazis.

Literally the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Dad Joke

God, i hate Russian dolls they are so full of themselves

A Jewish kid asks his dad for 40 bucks

His dad says, "30 bucks??! What the hell do you want with 20 bucks??!!"

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris."

The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad."

His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab kid talks to his dad [M]

An Arab kid talks to his dad
-Dad...
-Yes, son?
-Why do we wear this weird headscarf?
-It's called burnus and it protects our head from the desert sun.
-And Dad...
-Yes son?
-Why do we wear these weird robes?
-They're called burka, and it protects us from the desert heat.
...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

A dad got angry with his son and pushed him out of the door

Everyone on the plane stared in shock

My mom and dad were both dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

The day before my wedding, my dad sat me down and said, “Before you get married tomorrow, consider the following carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring...”

“And on the other hand, you don’t.”

I tell Dad Jokes all the time, but never get any laughs...

Probably because he is dead. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad told me this one.

"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The invisible man.

An employee is absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good-bye Daddy

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know dad...

A kid asks his dad 'Daddy, what's dark humor?"

"Well," he said, "you see that fat kid get stuck in the baby swing?"

"Dad, I'm blind..."

The dad goes back to his newspaper.

"You're welcome, son."

I had a happy childhood, my dad used to put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.....

......They were Goodyears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

A multi part joke my dad used to tell.

Why did the turtle cross the road ?
To get to the Shell station.

Why did the turtle go to the Shell station?
He needed Turtle Wax.

Why did the turtle need Turtle Wax?
He wanted to camouflage his shell.

Why did the turtle want to camouflage his shell?
He wanted to hi...

My Dad is sending Tobey, my Labrador away for the next week

My dad just came up to me and said "Son, I am going to be sending Tobey away to the kennels tomorrow for a week." I asked Dad whilst rubbing Tobey's ears "Why!? Why send him away, Dad. He is a 9 and a half year old Labrador who needs his creature comforts; like his blanket, companionship from us and...

My dad left a couple years ago to go buy milk

He’s still at Costco to this day

Me: Dad when was the last happy moment you had?

Dad: How old are you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?

One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking home from his job at a local software company

He worked late that night, and the sun had already fallen below the sky. The man enjoyed the two mile walk to work in the morning, but the cold of the night made the way back numb, rigid, and surreal. The man followed long, curving roads through the dark pine forests, illuminated by cold sunlight re...

son: dad this coffee shop is closed. what do we do?

dad: don't worry, we'll try the nescafe

I used to wrote down all the dad jokes on a paper

but it was tearrible

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.

He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

My dad just bought a new washing machine

What should we call her?

A Young man comes home from boot camp is telling his dad all about it...

...He proceeds to tell him about the part of boot camp where they learn to jump out of a plane.

The son says, "Everyone was jumping out of the plane but I was too scared so I just held onto the door. We had a big, black drill sergeant that was screaming at me to jump but I just couldn't do i...

What did the Iraqi teenager say to his father when he came home?

I'm Baghdad.

My dad has the heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo...

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

This is kind of a dad joke but

I was driving with my dad and we passed a cemetery. My dad said in a low and dark voice,” I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? And he said” The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” And I was really confused so I was like why? And he said cuz t...

My dad told me this one, a great man!

A man dies and he's greeted by a man in a suit,
"Welcome to the realm of the dead! Heaven or Hell?" He asks
"Well, ill see which one I like better!"
The man in a suit sends him to Heaven and God greets him, "Hello there, here you will do your chores, live happily, work, etc, just like on E...

My dad asked me the other day : ,,Hey, are you even listening to me ?“

Dude... that’s a really weird way to start a conversation

Your dad does the vacuuming in boxing gloves

Calls himself Dyson Fury

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

My dad told me growing up to never joke about small people

Because they are always below the belt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

My daughter asked me today: “Dad? Why am I named Rose?”

I told her because a rose fell on her head when she was born. My second daughter came up to me and asked:”Dad? Why am I named Lily?” I told her it was because a lily fell on her head when she was born. Then my third daughter walks up to me and says: “errablup!?” I said: “SHUT IT! CINDERBLOCK GET BAC...

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

I think my dad might be the avatar...

He vanished when I needed him most.

My dad says that eating cherries can actually boost your testosterone!

He said to me, “*Son*, to truly become a man, all you have to do is pop a few cherries.”

I never knew it could be so easy! I’ve been popping a few cherries with each meal. I haven’t noticed any changes yet... but I’m sure they’ll come!

^OC

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.