My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

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Little Johnny NSFW

Little Johnny is sitting around at grandpa's house and notices his grandfather smoking a cigar. Johnny goes over and asks his grandpa "Hey grandpa, can I try a little of that cigar?" His grandfather looks at little Johnny and asks "Does your dick touch your asshole?" Johnny replies "No". Grandpa rep...

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I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

I was eating a cheese sandwich yesterday and cut my mouth.

That's what I get for eating sharp cheddar.


\-An old joke from my grandmother

I use Instagram

My grandmother is on speed dial

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me: "You're next." They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

My Grandmother died of an Ecstasy overdose.

She must be rolling in her grave.

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

A curious child asked his mother:

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”


The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours does turn one of my hair grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her he...

My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked M...

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

You’re speeding down a road when you see red and blue lights in your rearview mirror...

You tense up and pull over to the side of the road. The cop pulls over behind you on a police motorcycle. You’re perspiring hastily at the thought of getting a ticket. The cop approaches your vehicle and says “Do you know how fast you were growing?”

You say “Yes officer, I was going fifteen ...

My blind grandmother misplaced her Bible yesterday

She was on a quest to find the Holy Braille

My grandmother asked for the trip of a lifetime for her 90th birthday

Got her a one way ticket to Switzerland

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”

She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” ...

My grandmother is still pretty hot.

Just got her remains from the crematory.

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young...

My grandmother is going mad and think she's a university.

The doctor says she's ok as she still has all her faculties.

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NSFW What’s worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

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What do you call your grandmothers husband?

Grandmotherfucker

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

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A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head.

He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!”

His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Grandma what you just said!” The boy finds his grandmother and says, “Look Grandma, I’m a white boy!” His grandmother bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now...

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

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A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

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A grandmother went to the doctor with a knife in her knee...

She explained that she wanted to kill herself
"The why did you stab youself in the knee?" aksed the doctor.
"Thats how thay told me" repled the grandma, "two fingers under the tits".

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

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I was watching porn last night when my Grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

What do you call Winnie-the-Pooh's grandmother ?

((Pooh Nanny))

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

My late grandmother's star sign was Cancer, which is ironic...

She got killed by a giant crab.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy w...

My grandmother died a few weeks ago. We had her cremated.

We think that's what killed her.

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud.

She's blind.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausage...

My great grandmother started giggling at the barbecue

When I asked her what's so funny, she said, "Everyone here is alive, because I got laid."

My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

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Little Red Riding Hood is traveling to her grandmother's house...

... as she went skipping through the woods, she saw a big bad wolf hiding behind a tree, she yelled, "hey big bad wolf, I see you there!". The wolf ran away.

A little while later, she was skipping across the bridge crossing the river, and she saw a big bad wolf hiding under the bridge, she ye...

My 88-year-old grandmother said, "Young man, I wish you were more like most people your age."

If only she was more like most people her age, too.

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”

I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

My grandmother had a stroke last night.

"Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.

"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

My grandmother said Jesus came for her a long time ago

And that is why i have an uncle name Guadalupe

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NSFW My mom called me yesterday while I happened to be jerking off and told me my grandmother had finally succumbed to her cancer.

It was hard when I lost my grandma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.

She's ninety-three today and we don't know where the hell she is.

“Knock Knock!” “Who’s there?”

“It’s Dave!”

“Dave who?”

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother.

Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

My grandfather says my grandmother treats him like a god

“Every night she gives me a burnt offering”

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

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A joke my 95 y/o grandmother told me...

(Keep in mind that this woman -before she passed a few years ago- was born and lived in a place before cars came there. Enjoy.)

A young girl was very excited to be going on her first date with a boy she had sought after for many months. She was so excited that she, unfortunately, became quite...

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My girlfriend and I recently visited my grandmother and told her about the two cats we have. A day later, she sends me this email, and I figured I share since Reddit loves cats: The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now
we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you ...

I always wanted to die as calm as my grandfather...

and not as hysterical as my grandmother on the passenger seat.

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.

The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."

My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."

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