My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).

I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.

All submissions are greatly appr...

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

Tehy could not settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it was not cremated with the rest of him.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains ...

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

A joke for people with grandmothers

A grandmother is at the beach, watching her young grandson playing in the surf. Suddenly a huge wave comes in, picks him up, and carries him far out from shore, where he quickly goes under.

The woman is frantic. She drops to her knees and says, "Dear God, if you save my grandson, I swear I'...

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60...

...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is

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My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

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"hey man— you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot"

I guess you could say *[stares muthafuckingly]*... I made a grave mistake.

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

She's an animal in bed.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

My 80yr old grandmother had her nipples pierced the other day...

now every time the wind blows she sounds like a couple of wind chimes!

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

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My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke

A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."

He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

I still remember my grandmother’s last words.

‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

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I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

My grandmother always use to say “the fastest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach”

She was a terrible surgeon.

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

I still remember the last thing my grandmother ever said to me

“What are you doing with that hammer?”

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

Who is the grandmother of the French language?

La grammaire.

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

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A joke I heard from my grandmother

An old farmer went into to town to buy a cock (rooster) and some supplies. The supplies cost less than expected. With some extra cash and time on his hands, the farmer thought he would catch a movie at the local theater.
Arriving at the theater the farmer realized that he did not have a way to k...

My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother

So we let her live

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A young man is walking through the woods. Suddenly a grandmother comes out of the forest.

\- My dear, I’m enchanted princess, if you sleep with me, I will turn into a beautiful girl and execute your three wishes.
The young man, of course, is disgusted, but still three wishes ... He agrees, has sex with his grandmother and says "come on, turn to a princess, here are my wishes..." <...

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

I put some of my grandmother's ashes in water...

Instagram.

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I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day

And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."

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Wise words from my grandmother.

Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers.

Some are also prostitutes.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

My grandmother was a founding pioneer for the Weathertech products.

She had clear vinyl on her furniture

My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.

I fulfilled my promise.

She’s dead and berried.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

“Do you believe in life after death?”

Asked the boss to his employee.

“No, I don’t.... why do you ask?”

“Well, your grandmother who died and you took off yesterday to go to the funeral for....

She stopped in this morning to say hi to you!”

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

When I was younger I hated going to weddings

it seemed that all my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in he ribs and say, "You're next". They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Everyone has imaginary friends during their childhood.

My grandmother, although very old, still has one.
She calls him Jesus.

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

What do you tell your grandmother when she doesn't want to go to a nursing home?

"It won't be for long."

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

My grandmother used to say babies bounce.

Looking at some of my family, I wonder how many she dropped to learn this fact.

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

What do you say to a young woman driving a Buick?

Sorry about your grandmother

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's?

Oh nana, What's my name?

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp.

A young woman was rummaging through her grandmother’s belongings, and she came across a mysterious lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, Rick Astley appeared before her and said, “I will give you three wishes.”

She thought for a moment and said, “For my first wish I would like to end world hunger.” ...

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

I came into a pile of cash when my grandmother died.

Weird fetishes help me deal with grief.

My Grandmother died of an Ecstasy overdose.

She must be rolling in her grave.

Crazy Story

A crow showed up at my window and he spoke to me. He said, “Your grandmother will die tomorrow”. So, I told my family, and they looked at me like I was crazy. The next day when I walked downstairs, I see my mother and father grieving. I asked what was wrong and my father told me that my grandmother ...

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she did for a living...

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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that’s what killed her.

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

My Grandmother used to tell us this knock knock joke

She would say "knock, knock" and we would say "who's there?" then she would say "I can't remember" and start to cry.....

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

My grandmother is still pretty hot.

Just got her remains from the crematory.

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What do you call your grandmothers husband?

Grandmotherfucker

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

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NSFW What’s worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

My Polish grandmother used to perform for a ballet company...

It was always awkward listening to her Pole Dancing stories.

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

My blind grandmother misplaced her Bible yesterday

She was on a quest to find the Holy Braille

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

This is a joke

This is a joke we used to tell as kids and I thought I'd post it here. Feel free to point out any mistakes as English isn't my first language


Bernhard is flying on vacation with his grandmother. As they are sitting in the plane, he asks her:
"Can I throw this banana peel out of the win...

Great

A couple was married 60 years. They kept no secrets from each other. The wife, however, had a shoebox that she told her husband to never open, which he didn’t. But when the wife was dying, the man asked if he could now look inside. She said yes. In it, he found two crocheted dolls and $20,000. He as...

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.



“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

My grandmother asked for the trip of a lifetime for her 90th birthday

Got her a one way ticket to Switzerland

I came home to find a Greek mathematician kidnapping my grandmother...

He saw me. Immediately, my hands went towards my phone, and he shouted,

"You stop right there! Or else imma beta your gamma!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

The hardest part about my grandmothers death?

Making it look like an accident.

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

My grandmother is going mad and think she's a university.

The doctor says she's ok as she still has all her faculties.

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"



Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious prog...

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm gonna do my best to translate this from my native language......

there was this guy who was so horny when he went to the doctor, the doctor missed diagnosed him and instead, he prescribed him viagra so the dude became extra hornier that he started fucking everything with a hole, he fucked his wife, daughter than to his son and didn't spare even his mother. so the...

Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother...

You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

Did you know Mr. T's grandmother was a pirate?

Her name was Mae T.

HOW i got rich

One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? - No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

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