The 124+ Best Grandmother Jokes

"Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes.

Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his b...

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The gra...

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

If my grandmother knew how much money i spent on her funeral

She'd be spinning in her ditch

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

What's the difference between a grandfather clock and grandmother clock?

The dong.

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my grandmother started to run 5 miles a day at the age of 60

She's 83 now and we don't know where the fuck she is

When I was younger,I used to love making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom started hiding the urn

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

What did 50 Cent say to his Grandmother when she made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

What do you call 8 Italian grandmothers, sitting on a bench next to a superhero?

Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana BATMAN!

What do you call Winnie the Pooh’s grandmother?

Poohnanny

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him.

“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “but I think she’s cramming for her finals.”

I’m lucky to have a great grandmother

And I’ve got another one who’s not so great

My grandmother has had 3 strokes this year…

At this rate she’ll never finish this handjob.

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three l...

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

My Grandmother was 80% Irish

Her name was Iris.

I came across an old photo of my great grandmother earlier today.

Took me nearly an hour to clean it off.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

My grandmother used to tell us a joke...

She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”.

Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

My grandmother and I were really close when she died

We had to be so I could hold the pillow down over her face

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

What is difference between my grandmother and onions?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

I brought my grandmother to a fish spa centre...

I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

How many Lutheran grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No, I'm fine, don't make a fuss over me. I'll just sit in the dark.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's?

Oh nana, What's my name?

What is Kermit the Frog's grandmother's name?

Betty Croaker

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A son catches his dad fucking his mom one night. He gets told by his dad to go back to bed with a nervous laugh. Dad goes to check up on his son after sometime only to find him fucking his grandmother.

Son says: Not so funny when it's your mother innit?

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

My grandmother made a great living driving funny cars in the 1960's.

She was a drag queen.

Grandmothers are like websites

They keep asking you to accept their cookies.

four jewish grandmothers sat down for lunch

waiter checks in and asks "hey ladies, is anything alright?"

A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas....

A Mexican boy and his grandmother were making enchiladas when the boy grabbed some flour and smeared it on his face and said "Grandma look! I'm a white boy!". The grandmother immediately slapped him and said "Go talk to your mother!". The boy finds his mother in the garden and says "Mama look! I'm a...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me

"Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!"

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A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

I still remember my grandmother’s last words.

‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

Grandmother's in a better place now...

Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.

I know my grandmother is always looking down on me.

She's not dead. Just very condescending.

Little Johnny was at his grandmother’s house

when the family all sits down to eat dinner. Johnny immediately starts shoveling the food down. Johnny’s mother says ‘Johnny we need to say grace before we eat’ but Johnny continues eating. His mother says again ‘Johnny, we always says grace before we eat.’ Johnny stops eating for a moment and says ...

A daughter a mother and a grandmother walk into a bar...

She sits down infront of the bartender and says "I just heard a GREAT riddle!"

This joke my cousin's grandmother told me...

Two old ladies were outside on a cigarette break during the rain. One lady slipped out a little plastic covering for her cigarette to keep it from getting wet. The other lady turned to her and asked her what she had. She replied "Oh this, it's just a condom and I cut off one end so I can keep my cig...

My grandmother always had an amazing way with words.

One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”

“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”

“Inflation nothing!” ...

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!

(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

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My girlfriend and I recently visited my grandmother and told her about the two cats we have. A day later, she sends me this email, and I figured I share since Reddit loves cats: The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now
we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you ...

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I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day

And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother."

Wife: "Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'"

So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

My 80yr old grandmother had her nipples pierced the other day...

now every time the wind blows she sounds like a couple of wind chimes!

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My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke

A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."

He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother

So we let her live

A joke for people with grandmothers

A grandmother is at the beach, watching her young grandson playing in the surf. Suddenly a huge wave comes in, picks him up, and carries him far out from shore, where he quickly goes under.

The woman is frantic. She drops to her knees and says, "Dear God, if you save my grandson, I swear I'...

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.

I fulfilled my promise.

She’s dead and berried.

My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

My grandmother laughed when I said I was gonna build a car out of spaghetti.

She wasn't laughing when I drove pasta.

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A joke I heard from my grandmother

An old farmer went into to town to buy a cock (rooster) and some supplies. The supplies cost less than expected. With some extra cash and time on his hands, the farmer thought he would catch a movie at the local theater.
Arriving at the theater the farmer realized that he did not have a way to k...

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A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious prog...

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

I still remember the last thing my grandmother ever said to me

“What are you doing with that hammer?”

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

She's an animal in bed.

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

Who is the grandmother of the French language?

La grammaire.

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

My poor grandmother has dementia, the poor soul just stands there looking through the window..

.
.
.
.
Maybe one day, I’ll let her in.

Boy walks in on his parents going at it...

Father turns around, smiles, and winks.

Few minutes later, a horrible noise arises from down the hall. Father dismounts, runs down the hall, only to find the boy with Grandmother bent over the bed.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" says Father.

Boy smiles, winks, and s...

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

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