UPJOKE
motherfathergrandmafamilycousinpaternalchildparentsnieceauntmomdaughterstepmothergranddaughtersister

"Would you sleep with my grandmother for £100,000?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "Yes, but I don't have that sort of money to pay her."

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson

A grandmother was surprised when she wakes up to a cup of coffee from her 8 year old grandson. She gulped down the most bitter coffee she has ever tasted but she downs it all because she wants her grandson to feel like he made something his grandma loved. At the bottom of the cup, she found three l...

My favorite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom took the urn away

How many Lutheran grandmothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

No, I'm fine, don't make a fuss over me. I'll just sit in the dark.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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I've recently caught my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

My 87 Year Old Grandmother Still Doesn't Use Glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle!

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back...

I knew my grandmother loved animals when she was younger.

She told me the story of how happy she was to have found a vet to date (Before she met my granddad of course. ) and even though he said he was from a foreign country, he looked like he was from here.

Anyway, after a few dates, she discovered, much to her disappointment, that he didn’t know an...

My grandmother lived to 98 and she never needed glasses.

She preferred to drink straight from the bottle.

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

I brought my grandmother to a fish spa centre...

I brought my grandmother to one of those fish spa centres where the little fish eat your dead skin, only cost $45. Was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery!

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“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits. “Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. “You’ll have to...

What is difference between my grandmother and onions?

I cried when I cut up the onions.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

What is Kermit the Frog's grandmother's name?

Betty Croaker

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

My Grandmother was 80% Irish

Her name was Iris.

If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral

She would be spinning in her ditch

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

My grandmother made a great living driving funny cars in the 1960's.

She was a drag queen.

Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.

“Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” Frank asked his friend.

*"She’s cramming for her finals.”*

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

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A son catches his dad fucking his mom one night. He gets told by his dad to go back to bed with a nervous laugh. Dad goes to check up on his son after sometime only to find him fucking his grandmother.

Son says: Not so funny when it's your mother innit?

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Greek are captured by cannibals in Africa.

The chief of the tribe offers to free anyone who succeeds in three tests: drink a ton of wine, pull a thorn from the sacred lion's foot, and have sex with his hundred-year-old grandmother.
They lead the Englishman to the wine hut, he starts drinking but doesn't even get halfway through. The nat...

four jewish grandmothers sat down for lunch

waiter checks in and asks "hey ladies, is anything alright?"

An old man was roaming the desert when he reached a village...

Last year on my first cake day, I shared one of my grandmother's long jokes. I think of making it a tradition, so here's another:

An old man was walking in the Sahara desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality...

Grandmother's in a better place now...

Her plane landed in Spain half an hour ago.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner…..

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, 'Why did you cut off the end of the ham'?
And she replied , 'I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.'
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why sh...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

My grandmother had a medical scare recently.

She felt a lump under her breast. Turns out it was just her kneecap.

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

Grandmothers are like websites

They keep asking you to accept their cookies.

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

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visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on...

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A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down ...

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

A guy was going on vacation and didn't have anyone to take care of his beloved cat

So he had to leave her with his notoriously irresponsible friend. The very first day the friend left the door open and the cat ran out into the street and got hit by a car and killed.

When he guy called his friend the next day to check up on the cat the friend said "Oh, the cat's dead. Got hi...

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Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. A turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going thro...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

Little Johnny was at his grandmother’s house

when the family all sits down to eat dinner. Johnny immediately starts shoveling the food down. Johnny’s mother says ‘Johnny we need to say grace before we eat’ but Johnny continues eating. His mother says again ‘Johnny, we always says grace before we eat.’ Johnny stops eating for a moment and says ...

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

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A man sitting at a bar told the bartender, “my grandmother had a great ass.”

The bartender was shocked. “Jesus, man, you gotta be fucking sick to talk about your grandmother that way.” The man got mad, “Jesus Christ, come on! I’m not talking about her rear end, she had a donkey, it lived forever, and worked hard for her.” The bartender apologized. Later on the man said, a l...

My grandmother always had an amazing way with words.

One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”

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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

How tall is the world smallest grandmother?

One Nanameter.

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

A Jewish Grandmother Is Watching Her Grandson Play On The Beach.

All of a sudden, a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She looks up and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

She looks ...

A daughter a mother and a grandmother walk into a bar...

She sits down infront of the bartender and says "I just heard a GREAT riddle!"

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

I will never forget what my wise grandmother used to say to me

"Get out of the way, i'm trying to watch TV!"

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This was my great grandmother’s favourite joke

What do a hooker and fried chicken have in common?

When your finished with the breasts and thighs, all you’re left with is a greasy box to throw your bone.

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60...

...She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is

Husband: "I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother."

Wife: "Why does it say 'Do Not Resuscitate?'"

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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

My grandmother invented Nair…

She’s Amelia Nair

A Grandmother Asks His Grandson: Hey, what is the name of that german guy that always hides my stuff?

Alzheimer, grandma, Alzheimer.

knock knock

My grandmother used to tell us a joke. She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”. Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

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"hey man— you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot"

I guess you could say *[stares muthafuckingly]*... I made a grave mistake.

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

I made a joke in my dream last night and I still think it's funny.

I was staying at my grandmother's house, and there were wasps in my guest room. Went to the kitchen and informed her. "Are there a lot of them?" She asked.

"There's so many wasps that they're starting a country club!"

My 80yr old grandmother had her nipples pierced the other day...

now every time the wind blows she sounds like a couple of wind chimes!

I still remember my grandmother’s last words.

‘What’re you doing with that pillow?’

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

My grandmother Eleanor gave me her fantastic seafood recipes

But nobody wants to try my Salmon Ella.

My 91 year old Canadian Grandmother just told me this joke.

Two Newfoundlanders were driving to Toronto.
They passed a sign that said: Toronto LEFT.
Distraught, they turned around and drove back home.

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

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A young polar bear is walking across the ice and snow when he meets his grandmother he asks "Am i a real polar bear?" " Don't bother me now go and ask your grandfather" she replies...

So he goes and finds his grandfather "Grandfather am i a real polar bear?" he asks "I'm too busy for questions, go ask your mother" so the polar bear finds his mother after looking for her "Mother am i a real polar bear?" "Not now little bear I'm resting go ask your father" she says, so the little p...

I Went To a Cemetery Today

With my grandparents. I have been before, and there are such beautiful flowers planted and some pretty hiking trails that go behind the cemetery. I was telling my grandparents about it, and my grandmother said in the most excited tone “I’m just dying to get in there!”

What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's?

Oh nana, What's my name?

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

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I walked in on my grandmother masturbating with a cucumber the other day

And I was like "Damn, i was going to eat that but now it's going to taste like cucumber."

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

What do you call it when you have your grandmother on speed dial.

Instagram

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My 105-year-old grandmother's favorite joke

A bag boy is pushing a woman's groceries out to her car. She thinks he's kind of cute, so she taps him on the shoulder and whispers "I have an itchy pussy."

He shrugs and says, "Sorry, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look the same to me."

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

Me and my sisters are baking bread for our sick grandmother. I’m the one responsible for making sure the bread rises but hey,

it’s the yeast I can do.

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A little boy runs to his grandmother, and says:

\-Granny! Grandpa fell off the ladder, because he was swearing!

\-Why, what did he say?

\-He said: "Don't shake the ladder you little shit!"

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.

She's an animal in bed.

My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

So I was going down on my grandmother

and I tasted horse cum. Then I had a thought... what if that's how she died?

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

We didnt know if we wanted to cremate or bury my grandmother

So we let her live

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

A joke for people with grandmothers

A grandmother is at the beach, watching her young grandson playing in the surf. Suddenly a huge wave comes in, picks him up, and carries him far out from shore, where he quickly goes under.

The woman is frantic. She drops to her knees and says, "Dear God, if you save my grandson, I swear I'...

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that’s what killed her.

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

My grandmother was famous for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on top of her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited.

I fulfilled my promise.

She’s dead and berried.

I still remember the last thing my grandmother ever said to me

“What are you doing with that hammer?”

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy w...

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

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Grown-up words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana...

What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

My grandmother died recently

She was found keeled over in her kitchen, her dentures stained with foods high in antioxidants.

The doctors said it was a heart attack but I know better...

I reckon it was an oxi-dental overdose.

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

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A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

Who is the grandmother of the French language?

La grammaire.

Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings.

One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.”

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Grandma’s Closet

When I was about 7 years old, I used to LOVE the smell of moth balls. It always reminded me of my grandmother’s closet. The only problem was that it was SUPER hard to spread the little fuckers legs apart.

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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