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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make...

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that’s what killed her.

Did you know Mr. T's grandmother was a pirate?

Her name was Mae T.

I got a grandmother in her 90's and she still doesn't need glasses

she just drinks straight out of the bottle.

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she did for a living...

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years o...

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A little black kid is baking with his grandmother.

He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"

Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mo...

If my grandmother knew how much we paid for her funeral...

She would roll over in her ditch.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

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Even though she was a severe woman, I told my grandmother when my car got stolen...

She said, “if you’re looking for sympathy , you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis”

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

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A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

The hardest part about my grandmothers death?

Making it look like an accident.

What's the difference between a Grandmother and a Granary?

One is one's born kin, the other is one's corn bin.

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

After a long fight we finally buried our grandmother last week

She was furious

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My grandmother won the hairy boobs contest.

She's the grey tits in the world.

Someone farted at my Grandmother’s Wake

Smelled like somebody died in there.

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I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me before she died.

"Are you still holding that fucking ladder?!".

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia.

For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.

My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.

The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my gra...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they ar...

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

My grandmother has been walking 3 miles a day every day for the last five years

and now we don't know where the hell she is.

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

My grandmother was a somnambulist who had recurring dreams of coloring Easter eggs

Conveniently, she dyed in her sleep last week.

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

“Balls, balls” said the Queen...

“If I had two, I’d be King”

-my grandmothers joke (she passed away a few months ago, I really miss her)

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My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner

A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.

The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and s...

What do you call Winnie-the-Pooh's grandmother ?

((Pooh Nanny))

What did 50 cent say when his grandmother made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The gra...

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

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You know what's Ironic? My grandmother's sign was cancer. You know what she died from?

A giant fucking crab.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

My grandmother used to tell us a joke...

She’d say “Knock knock”, we’d say “Who’s there?”.

Then she’d say “I can’t remember”… and start to cry.

My 88-year-old grandmother said, "Young man, I wish you were more like most people your age."

If only she was more like most people her age, too.

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud.

She's blind.

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”

I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

I put my grandmother on speed dial.

I call it instagram.

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NSFW My mom called me yesterday while I happened to be jerking off and told me my grandmother had finally succumbed to her cancer.

It was hard when I lost my grandma.

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Little Red Riding Hood is traveling to her grandmother's house...

... as she went skipping through the woods, she saw a big bad wolf hiding behind a tree, she yelled, "hey big bad wolf, I see you there!". The wolf ran away.

A little while later, she was skipping across the bridge crossing the river, and she saw a big bad wolf hiding under the bridge, she ye...

My great grandmother started giggling at the barbecue

When I asked her what's so funny, she said, "Everyone here is alive, because I got laid."

My grandmother had a stroke last night.

"Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.

"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausage...

My grandfather says my grandmother treats him like a god

“Every night she gives me a burnt offering”

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

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Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore ...

A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother.

Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

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My grandmother was recently diagnosed with dementia, so she has no short term memory.

Which really puts a damper on the make-up sex.

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

My grandmother went to a gynecologist to check on hey cervical cancer.

The doctor says to my grandmother: "Now, Mrs. Smith, I'm going to insert my finger..."

My grandmother replies: "Can you put in two? I want a second opinion."

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy w...

My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

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A joke my 95 y/o grandmother told me...

(Keep in mind that this woman -before she passed a few years ago- was born and lived in a place before cars came there. Enjoy.)

A young girl was very excited to be going on her first date with a boy she had sought after for many months. She was so excited that she, unfortunately, became quite...

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I ...

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When I went away to college my grandmother gave me a brand new bible.

Well I didn't really want a bible. I needed money but I said thank you all the same and went away to college.

I was having a great time but was burning through money very quickly. I called my grandmother and said "grandma I love it here a college but I'm going to need more cash to stay." She...

My grandmother recently had 2 strokes

Best golf game of her life

My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died.

Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.

My grandmother has many religious statues, crosses, and cats in her house.

No doubt she's a Cat-holic.

I recently had to bury my beloved grandmother in the local graveyard.

She should be dead by now

My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

My grandmother is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime..

... And picked up two nickels.

A 16 year old girl's parents die and she goes to live with her grandmother....

Her grandmother can barely support herself as it is and pretty soon they'll have to go live in a homeless shelter if the grandmother can't pay their rent. The girl can't stand to see her grandmother suffer like that so she becomes a prostitute at a local secret brothel. The girl does everything she ...

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My grandmother said her knee was tender...

But she's a fucking liar. I've been to a dozen different places, and no one will accept it as payment.



(I'm sure this joke or some variation has been told before, but I've never seen it on here and I just thought of it and had to post it. :)

My grandmother always says, "live life to the fullest each and every day because tomorrow you could walk out your front door and be hit by a bus."

She's a bus driver though, so I'm not really sure what to make of this.

My great-grandmother lived to be 106 and never needed glasses.

She always just drank straight from the bottle.

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

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My girlfriend and I recently visited my grandmother and told her about the two cats we have. A day later, she sends me this email, and I figured I share since Reddit loves cats: The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now
we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”

And God said, “I will create a companion for you ...

A Jewish grandmother takes her grandson to the ocean...

The boy, dressed for a blustery day, is frolicking near the shore when a large wave crashes over him and carries him away.

The grandmother frantically searches but cannot find him. She weeps and hails above crying out to whatever force might listen "why, why, why, please he is only an inno...

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My grandmother hates it when I make spelling errors

One might say she's a grandma nazi.