Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

My Grandmother said I was too 'reliant' on technology.

I called her a *hypocrite* and unplugged her life support.

So I was playing this game with my grandmother...

It's a game where there's a category and you have to name 5 things from that category.

We get to "Famous People Over 6 feet Tall", and I quickly name off a few lanky celebrities.

Then "Characters on The Brady Bunch", and she nails it.

Finally, "Primitive Tools". I was thinking.....

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Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks right out of the bottle.

What is sodium's grandmother?

Na^(2)

A joke from my Mexican grandmother: What's faster? Lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea.

Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

My grandmother used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition coz we might be in their position one day.

So I started to laugh at Jeff Bezos everyday.

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Little Red Riding Hood sets out to go visit her grandmother, who lives in another village

As she's walking on the forest road, she sees the big, bad wolf hiding behind a shrub. She stops and says:

\-My, what big red eyes you have!

The wolf looks at her and leaves without saying a word, disappearing in the dense forest. Little red riding hood continues walking on the same fo...

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What do you call your grandmothers husband?

Grandmotherfucker

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

My grandmother is going mad and think she's a university.

The doctor says she's ok as she still has all her faculties.

What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?

Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.

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NSFW What’s worse than having sex with your grandmother?

Knocking your head on the coffin

Once, a grandson was talking to his grandmother

He asked her, “Grandma, why don’t you have a boyfriend?” She replied, “Why, I like to think that my T.V. is my boyfriend. The T.V. gives me everything I want. It makes me happy, it entertains me, it does everything I want, so I like to think that it’s my boyfriend.” Just as she was saying this, the ...

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A guy asks his grandmother...

"Granny, have you seen my pills, they're marked LSD". Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

What did Rihanna say to her Grandmother with Alzheimer's?

Oh nana, What's my name?

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

What did 50 Cent's grandmother's say when he handed her a homemade sweater?

Gee, you knit?

If my grandmother found out how much money i spent on her funeral...

...she'd be spinning in her ditch.

On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living.

“When I was a young girl,” she moans, “you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!”



“Well, Grandma,” the boy replies, “we learned about that in school recently, and that’s called inflation.”



“Inflation nothing!” ...

When i was younger my grandmother use to say: “Be careful when going out at bars and clubs, they put drugs in your drinks!”

Now, nearly 30 still looking for the place that serves free drugs!

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A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.

She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make...

I set my Alzheimer's-patient grandmother's home page to r/jokes

She loves reading the fresh new jokes every day!

My grandmother is really impressed by how much politicians seem to get done these days

She's always going on about how they're all full of doo-doo.

My Grandmother used to tell us this knock knock joke

She would say "knock, knock" and we would say "who's there?" then she would say "I can't remember" and start to cry.....

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

“My grandmother has Alzheimer’s,” a teen tells his friend as they walked past her sitting in the living room.

“That sucks,” the friend says.



“Yeah, but it’s got some upside,” the teen replies. “Like when I get twenty dollars for my birthday every week.”

Joke that my great grandmother always told when we visited. "Does beer make you smarter?"

No, but it made Budweiser.

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My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

Regarding Little Red Riding Hood: Wolves can’t be all bad if they’ll eat your grandmother

Even Grandpa won’t do that.

Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother...

You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother walked in...

Not the best way to find out what she did for a living...

My grandmother died recently.

We had her cremated.

I think that’s what killed her.

Did you know Mr. T's grandmother was a pirate?

Her name was Mae T.

My grandmother and grandfather’s names were Pearl and Dean...

But I always called them Grandma and Grand PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAPA, PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAAA, PA!

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A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.

The grandmother says,

"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.

He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going t...

A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.

A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, "Your cat got run over by a car and died." The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell ...

Even as an adult, everytime I eat a Werther's candy, it reminds me of my grandmother

Tastes just like her

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A grandmother said to her grandson,

"The young men of today just aren't as polite and charming as they were when I was young."
He replied, "That's because they aren't trying to fuck you now, Grandma."

The hardest part about my grandmothers death?

Making it look like an accident.

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A little black kid is baking with his grandmother.

He throws some flour on his face playfully and says "Look, Granny, I'm a little white boy!"

Granny sends him into the other room to tell his father what he said. He walks up to his father and says "Look, Daddy, I'm a little white boy." His father backhands and him and sends him to tell his mo...

My grandmother bakes cookies the fastest

It literally takes her nanaseconds

After my beloved grandmother died at midnight

It was time for morning

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My Jewish Grandmother's favorite Holocaust joke

It's Winter of 1942 and the German SS is in full extermination mode when a new train of Jews comes into the camp. Immediately the train conductor goes to the general and tells the general.

"These are the toughest Jews I have ever seen, General."

The general nods. "Then we will take no ...

What's the difference between a Grandmother and a Granary?

One is one's born kin, the other is one's corn bin.

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The b...

A Jewish Grandmother was at the beach...

A Jewish grandmother and her grandson are at the beach. He is playing in the water; she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet. Suddenly, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. H...

A joke my Grandmother told me today.

So a termite walks into a bar. He sits down on one of the stools and asks the man behind the counter “Is the bar tender here?”

A young Programmer and his Project Manager

board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they ar...

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Even though she was a severe woman, I told my grandmother when my car got stolen...

She said, “if you’re looking for sympathy , you can find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis”

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

One night, a boy dreamt that his grandmother was about to die.

When morning came and the boy woke up, he told his father about the dream he had. The father paid no mind to the dream until later that day when, as the clock struck midnight, the father received a call from his own father, informing him of his mother's heart attack and subsequent death.

A mo...

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

After a long fight we finally buried our grandmother last week

She was furious

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

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My grandmother won the hairy boobs contest.

She's the grey tits in the world.

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!

They named him Ravi O. Lee

Sorry

My grandmother, a life-long abstract artist, has dementia.

For the longest the family couldn't be sure of her mental illness, but eventually we all saw the landscape.

My grandmother has been walking 3 miles a day every day for the last five years

and now we don't know where the hell she is.

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The gra...

My grandmother recently called in to a contest on the radio.

The contest was giving away free skydiving lessons to the first caller.
My grandmother called in, and she was the first caller, so they gave her the papers for the free lessons.
She started the lessons a few days later. When the instructor opened the plane door and told her to jump off, my gra...

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I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me before she died.

"Are you still holding that fucking ladder?!".

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

My grandmother was a somnambulist who had recurring dreams of coloring Easter eggs

Conveniently, she dyed in her sleep last week.

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My wife's 82 year old grandmother told this joke today at our family dinner

A grandfather and grandmother were visiting their son and family for a night. The father asked the son if he could have one if his viagra. The son said yes but that he needed to leave $10 in the cabinet.

The next morning the son found $110 cash next to the bottle. He went to his father and s...

“Balls, balls” said the Queen...

“If I had two, I’d be King”

-my grandmothers joke (she passed away a few months ago, I really miss her)

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A grandmother went to the doctor with a knife in her knee...

She explained that she wanted to kill herself
"The why did you stab youself in the knee?" aksed the doctor.
"Thats how thay told me" repled the grandma, "two fingers under the tits".

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

A joke told by my Polish grandmother....

Two Russian policemen are walking down the road on patrol when they encounter a penguin crossing the street. One says to the other, "One of us should get him and take him to the zoo."

The other volunteers, tells the first to wait until he returns, picks up the penguin and heads off down th...

What do you call Winnie-the-Pooh's grandmother ?

((Pooh Nanny))

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You know what's Ironic? My grandmother's sign was cancer. You know what she died from?

A giant fucking crab.

my great great grandmother has eyes of a hawk

she also has a lifetime ban on the bird park

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

A young lady, her mother and het grandmother are traveling in a horse wagon in medieval England...

Suddenly, a handsome man jumps out of a bush next to the road and exclaims: “Stop the wagon! I am a robber, and you must all get out of the carriage now!”

The young lady leaves the carriage, followed by her mother, who, through her tears, asks: “does grandma have to get out as well?”, to whic...

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

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Little Red Riding Hood is traveling to her grandmother's house...

... as she went skipping through the woods, she saw a big bad wolf hiding behind a tree, she yelled, "hey big bad wolf, I see you there!". The wolf ran away.

A little while later, she was skipping across the bridge crossing the river, and she saw a big bad wolf hiding under the bridge, she ye...

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”

I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

A joke my girlfriend's German grandmother told me.

A drunk fisherman is walking home from the bar and is about to be very sick. He gets home but outside he vomits all of the beer he drank and all of the sausages he ate on the sidewalk.

A few moments later while the drunk is gathering himself, a small dog runs up and begins eating the sausage...

If my grandmother could see me right now, she would be so proud.

She's blind.

My great grandmother started giggling at the barbecue

When I asked her what's so funny, she said, "Everyone here is alive, because I got laid."

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Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore ...

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.

I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy w...

My grandmother had a stroke last night.

"Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.

"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

My grandmother said Jesus came for her a long time ago

And that is why i have an uncle name Guadalupe

my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas

my so-so grandmother got me socks

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I ...

My grandmother loves to knit but she was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.

She’s holding out for some sort of cure. She has her fingers crossed.

A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother.

Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit.

He said, "Like a cheap castle." I said I was confused. He then explained, "No ballroom."

An inspiring true story about my friend's grandmother.

I'd like to tell you a little-known, but inspiring and true story that involves my friend Jake's grandmother.

Her name was Erica. She lived a typical grandmother life, knitting, spoiling her grandchildren and puttering around.

But despite having lived a full life before retiring, she w...

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

My grandfather says my grandmother treats him like a god

“Every night she gives me a burnt offering”

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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes

Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

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My grandmother was recently diagnosed with dementia, so she has no short term memory.

Which really puts a damper on the make-up sex.

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