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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.

3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them.
The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see tha...

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

The eldest of three siblings comes up to his mother and asks: "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Leaf?"

"Well, honey," the mother says, "it's because when you were a little baby, a leaf landed on your head."

Satisfied, the child goes away.

Later, the middle child tugs at her mother's hand. "Mommy, mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, darling," the mother says, "it's because when...

[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest...

Whoops, wrong thread.

My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

A father comes home after a long day of work, excited to eat the piece of cake he had been saving.

He opens the fridge, and sees the cake missing. The plate that the cake was on is still in the fridge, but it's empty!

He calls his four children to the kitchen.

"Which one of you ate my cake?"

The mother shakes her head and says "don't bother asking, no one ever takes blames ...

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

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This joke was told to me by my friend and I still remember it from 2 months ago.

There was a woman who was pregnant with triplets. 3 months before the babies were born, she was shot three times in the stomach. She immediately went to the doctor and the doctor said that the babies will be fine and the bullet will eventually come out of each of them when they pee.

16 years ...

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling...

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

The Farmer and the Cherry Tree

A farmer rounded up his three sons and said sternly "I want to know which of you boys pushed the outhouse over, but before I do I want to tell you a story. When George Washington was a boy, he chopped down his father's favorite cherry tree. When his father asked, George admitted his deed, saying, ...

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

Two brothers were fast alseep when the eldest heard a thud sound.

Eldest: What's that sound?

Youngest: Oh, it's just my t-shirt falling off my bed.

Eldest: T-Shirt? Why was it so loud?

Youngest: Because I was still in it.

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The BBC does a special on the oldest man in Scotland

They arrived for the special and decided to start it off with an interview where they asked him: “What was the best day of your life, Mr MacDonald?”
“I was just a wee lad and it was the day village fair, when me ma realised that our sheep had gone missing on the mountains. The whole village sear...

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $2.00 and that Continues for a year.

Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $1.50

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes $1.00

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor.

“First you give me $2.00 every ...

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3 bullets

I don't know if you guys have heard this joke. But here it goes...

There was once a woman who was pregnant with triplets. Unfortunately, one day a burglar came, armed with a gun came into the house and demanded all the cash but they didn't have any to give at hand. The burglar got angry and s...

A man is at his lowest point

He’s tried every drug, sipped every beer, and just generally been out of it. Trying to get better, he goes to a council of Buddhist monks and seeks their advice.

The eldest monk says to him, “I see, my child, that it is going to take more than just our usual methods to sober you up. I task y...

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A young Indian boy and his father are sitting in a teepee. The child asks his father,”Father, how did you decide what to name me and my brothers?”

His father replies,”Well son, as soon as you are born, I hold you in my arms and we walk outside to show you our land. When your eldest brother was born, I see a majestic soaring eagle, so I name him ‘Soaring Eagle’. I took your second brother and we saw a herd of bison, hence the name ‘Brave Bison’...

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A monk is being inducted into the monastic order...

The two elder monks in charge of his induction send him on a task. He must go into the archives and copy all the scriptures in there and not return until he's finished.

Several days later. The young monk returns and asks the elder monk, "As I was performing my task, I noticed several spelling...

A traveling salesman calls home...

His eldest son answers the phone. He asks his son how everyone is doing, son tells him everyone is fine, but the cat died. The salesman is heartbroken. He tells his son that he needs to break things like this more delicately. The son asks how.
The salesman tells him to be more delicate. First yo...

I hope this starts your day with a good giggle...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.
As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.
Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen f...

One spring afternoon, 3 were having a picnic in their garden.

Suddenly, the eldest daughter asks, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy name me Lily?”


To which the mother replies, “Well Lily, you may not know this, but all 3 of you girls were born in this very garden and when you finally were born, a single Lily petal fell on your head, and so we named you ...

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A young man desperately seeking shelter

A young man desperately seeking shelter for the night in the middle of nowhere somehow comes across an old two storeyed wooden house in the woods. Knocking on the door, he is greeted by an ancient Chinese kung fu master and his two beautiful daughters.

"May I have shelter for the night, maste...

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Two lads are learning to cuss

Two brothers are learning to cuss and they decide they need practice. Their conversation goes something like this...

Older bro: tomorrow when we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna say “hell” and you’re gonna say “ass”

Younger bro: alrighty!

The next day when the boys go downs...

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A man commisions his three kids to each sell a duck

The eldest goes out, and returns having sold the duck for 5 dollars.
The middle child goes out, and returns a tad more successful having sold the duck for 10 dollars.
The youngest child goes out, and while at the market, gets propositioned by a lady of the night. He explains he has no money...

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[long] A pregnant woman was standing in line at a bank.

All of a sudden a masked man bursts through the front door waving a gun wildly around. He shouts that he is robbing the bank and that everyone in it is now his hostages. The police soon arrive and in the ensuing stand off shots were exchanged from both sides, the woman was struck three times in her ...

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die.

An old, wealthy man who had three sons was about to die. He only wanted the cleverest of his three sons to inherit his money. So he came up with a test: he called all his sons into his room and told them: "Use 100 bucks to buy whatever you want. Whoever fills the room to the fullest shall inherit my...

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

The milk cow (loooong and NSFW)

There’s this little farm in Ireland- dirt farm, really- but they’ve got the best milk cow in the world.

One day, the farmer comes out and sees his milk cow is dead. He doesn’t know what to do, so he hangs himself in the barn, which is sad.

His wife comes out and sees her husband dead,...

“Leroy, sit down!”

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids... "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.
...

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

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[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.

Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to ...

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An old rich Corsican is about to die

According to the tradition, the most lazy son inherits all wealth
"Come here, Paul", morigan says
The eldest one comes to him
"Yes, father"
"Imagine you see 500 francs and the wind blows it away. What will you do?"
"I won't do nothing. Why should I tire if there's no need?"
"Good b...

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Good ol' Granpa

Grandpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to a twenty five year old nymphomaniac.

The family was very concerned. His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.

"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove fatal."

"So what?", said G...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

A journalist sets itself to find the saddest story in his region...

So he plans to go to the most remote area where civilization is still getting there slowly. One of the locals says that he can take him to Babka, the eldest person in the village, he agrees and goes to Babka's house. When he gets there, he greets Babka and tells him that he is a journalist looking f...

The Dunne Family

Some years ago, in the hills above Killarney, there lived Seamus and Isobel Dunne and their family of 6 boys.


It was a happy but isolated existence, so it came as a bit of a shock when eldest son Niel announced that he was off to seek his fortune amongst the bright lights of London. His...

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

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Diffrence between potential and reality

An 8 years old son asks his dad:
"Whats
the difference between 'Potential ' and 'reality?'

Dad turns to wife: "Would you sleep with
Barack Obama for $1 million?"

Wife: "Of course, I will never waste that opportunity."

Dad turns to daughter: "Would you sleep with B...

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Three nuns perish in a bus crash...

...and are whisked straight to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the gate with a warm welcome.

“Sisters, you have all three been paragons of the Catholic faith. The good Lord would like to bestow upon you one last day on earth as anyone you would like to be. Live for a day as whomever y...

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2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

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A mother is worried about her children's iron intake so she decides to put some iron BB gun ammo in their oatmeal...

Later that day why the mother was doing laundry her youngest son came up to her and said, "Mom! Mom! I was peeing just now I peed out a BB!"
The mother simply replied, "Don't worry dear that's normal"
Later on her middle oldest came in and said that he had also peed out a BB.
The mother re...

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[NSFW] A ranch woman takes her 3 sons to the doctor

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. 

The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes...

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village....

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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Destination Pittsburgh

Three priests were heading to Pittsburgh. The youngest priest, knowing he was most connected to the secular world, offered to get the tickets.

Upon arriving at the counter, the noticed the cashier was wearing a low low top and a short short skirt. His heart fluttered a moment...

“Yes ...

A Brazillian Classic

There was a family with three kids. One day, the eldest kid, Dropey, came up to his mom and asked:

“Mommy, why am I called Dropey?”

“It’s because when you were born, a drop of water fell onto your forehead!”

“Oh, okay!”

Then Flowey, the middle kid, got kinda curious, and ...

A family of Irish Potatoes are talking

So a family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter speaks up. She says:

"Mother, I've got big news."
"What is it?" her mother says.
"Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married."
"Oh are you now?" her mother replies. ...

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So, these 3 brothers buy a donkey for their farm...

After just 3 days of working, the donkey dies. The youngest brother decides to bury the donkey in the nearby forest. He brings his shovel, grabs the donkey and goes out. On his way to the forest he remembers that there is a very deep lake somewhere around. After a few hours of searching he finds the...

An old lady decides to check on his 3 son-in-laws

She wanted to see who respects/cares for her the most. She goes to the lake near the eldest son-in-laws place and jumps. The son-in-law dives in and rescues her. Next day, he sees a toyota corolla parked in front of his house with a letter -- Thanks from your Mother-in-law.


Then she goes ...

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Triplets

A woman was pregnant with triplets. One day she was walking to the market and a man came out of no where and shot her thrice. She was rushed to the hospital and somehow she survived. Her delivery date came and she gave birth to 2 daughters and 1 son.


18 years later :

The mother wa...

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Magical Milkcow (long) (nsfw)

There's an Irish family, father, mother, and three sons, who lives in a little dirt shack, their main source of income is this magical milk cow. One day the father wakes up and sees the cow is dead, so he kills himself. The mother wakes up later and sees that the cows dead and the dads dead, so she ...

A Native American child asks his father how they choose children's names.

Father - "After you are born, we open the tepee and the first thing we see is what we name you. Like your eldest brother, Soaring Eagle, your sister, Falling Leaves, and your little brother, Grizzly Cub. Why do you ask Two Dogs Humping?"

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Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
...

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[NSFW] [long] 3 dudes are lost in the desert

After weeks of dwindling supplies and failing hopes, they happened upon a luxurious tent. They were afraid, because their hunger had driven them to near madness. Sensing their apprehension, the eldest man says to the others,"I'll go check it out. Stay back."
The two younger men hang back and watc...

A southern baptist and her two daughters are shopping at the mall, when suddenly, the three are separated

In hopes of finding her children, she talked to the employee at the Customer Service kiosk


Southern Baptist Woman: I'm looking for my daughters, have you seen them?







Kiosk Worker: I can't say I have. May I have their names, please?






...

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The farmer's only cow dies

He doesn't know what to do anymore, so he hangs himself.

The wife comes home, sees that her husband and the cow are both dead, so she hangs herself too.

The eldest son comes home and sees the bloodbath. He goes to the forest to die. At the edge of the woods, he meets a fairy who says...

Can you explain this strange adoption joke?

A close friend of mine who is my eldest daughter's godmother just posted a very strange joke that references adoption. There must be something to this joke that I am completely missing. Thirty people have gone wild over this and I don't get it. My friend can't possibly be saying something offensive ...

A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights. A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano tha...

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows...
"To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass buildi...

The naming of my children

Yesterday, my eldest daughter asked me,"Father, why is my name Rose?". I explain to her it was because a rose petal landed on her head as she was birthed on our patio. Curious, my middle child asked me,"Father, why is my name Lily?". I explain to her it was because when she was birthed a lily flower...

There is a story passed down in China about an emperor from the Ming Dynasty.

It is said that he favored deer above all else. Throughout the region, everyone knew that to kill a deer was the highest offense.

One day, a village awoke to find a dead buck in the yard of one of the villagers. Despite his pleading, the eldest man of the household was publicly killed. A remi...

Three sisters died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter warns them, 'There is only one rule in heaven: you must not step on any of the ducks.' And he sent them on their merry way.

Upon entering, the three sisters notice that the grounds are riddled with ducks waddling about. Remembering the rule, they stepped carefull...

"What an age-appropriate joke for /r/funny"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed, and his family is gathered around him. He's too weak to lift his head or even open his eyes, but he can talk to his family.


"Rachel, my beloved wife of fifty-seven years. The love of my life, my soulmate, the woman God created me to be with, are you h...

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A Depressed Man Walks Into a Bar...

He takes a seat and asks the bartender for 3 glass of vodka. The bartender curious of why the hard liquor asks, "Wow you must have had a really bad day, what happen?" The man replies, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay." He then quickly finishes his drinks and walks out. The next day he r...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his lif...

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Help Me

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it...

The School Janitor

Janitor: I know im just a school janitor, but my eldest son is in M.I.T., his younger brother in Princeton, and my youngest in Harvard.

Student: (amazed) Wow, what are they studying?

Janitor: Oh no, they are janitors as well.

3 Brothers immigrate to America and open a convenience store.

Each of them can only speak 1 sentence of English. The eldest can only say "Maybe, maybe not."

The second can say only "One dollar-fifty."

The youngest, "If you don't, somebody else will!"


A customer walks into the store, and takes a magazine from the display rack to the c...

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The Mermaid Joke

On the outskirts of a small town in eastern Missouri, there once lived a farmer, his wife, and their three sons. Once upon a time their dairy farm had been huge, and business was booming. But a terrible cow-afflicting disease swept throughout the town, and hit this families bovine particularly hard ...

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There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. [Long]

There was a school in England which was infamous for having the savage bullies. The school used to come in the news fairly regularly for nothing but their bullies. More often than not the school bullies used to line up the other students and hit them in the face. The consequences of not being presen...

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Irving visits a nursing home

Irving is a Jewish widower who is getting up in years. His family is worried it may be time for Irving to go to a nursing home. They arrange for him to spend a weekend in a nursing home to see how he adjusts to it.

His eldest son Sheldon takes him to the home on Friday and tells his father he...

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A young Native American brave was curious about how he received his name, so he went to ask his father, the chieftain of the tribe.

"Father," he asked, "how is it that I acquired my name."

"Well, my son, I named you and both of your brothers for an event which occurred on the day each of you were born. For example, the day your eldest brother was born, I saw a deer running swiftly through the forest, so I named him Deer R...

Beers for me brothers

So, there's a man in a small Irish village who comes to a local pub at least once a week. When he came around, he would always order three beers and sit and drink all three before leaving.

One day a new patron came into the bar and while sitting at the bar noticed the man order three beers. ...

At the funeral of Hector Dewey

At the funeral of Hector Dewey, an insanely rich man, hundreds of people showed up, enjoying the cake and everything laid out there, a large number of them pretending to be family.

Hector's second-eldest son, Jeffrey, notices a lot of unfamiliar faces. He goes up his older brother, Dwight, th...

How to name your children

One day mum was sitting in the kitchen reading on hear iPad when her eldest child came in and stood next to her. With a quizzical look on her face she asked "Mum, why am I called 'Feather'?"
"Because a feather fell on your head when you were born, my darling", mom replied.
After having heard ...

To entertain his court, the Emperor invites three renowned samurai to demonstrate their prowess with a sword.

The youngest of the samurai comes out on stage and bows before the Emperor. A boy at the stage's edge lifts the top off of a small box, and out comes a fly, buzzing toward the samurai. In a flash the samurai draws his katana and returns it to its sheath. The fly falls to the stage in two perfect hal...

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Three sibling vampires are discussing who is the strongest.

The eldest eventually gets bored of debating and flies of into the night, coming back 5 minutes later covered in blood.

"Siblings of mine! See the lone house on the path into the city, silent and lost in a stripe of blood and fury?" shrieks the eldest with sadistic glory in his voice.

...

.

An Irishman was walking home when he saw a sign offering employment, he quickly ran home to tell his two brothers, as they were all looking for jobs.

'Quick lads, I've found a place that'll take us all on' he told them.

They made their way back to the place where he'd seen the sign and...

The Three Brothers and the Genie

Three brothers are walking through the desert when they happen upon an old lamp buried in the sand. The eldest brother lifts the lamp from the ground and as he does the lamp starts to shake and out pops a Genie.

"You have freed me from my prison" the Genie announces with a booming voice " - a...

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The Milk Cow

There once was a family that owned a milk cow. This milk cow was quite amazing, because with all of the extra milk the cow produced the family was able to sell all of the excess and live quite well.

One day, the father of the family went outside to milk the cow. But something was wrong, it wa...

Three young daughters.

The three young daughters were hanging out with their mom. They're 8, 7, and 5. The eldest one asked the mom, "Mom, why is my name Paris?". The mom replied "Oh it's because you were made in Paris honey. We had our honeymoon there". The second one curiously asked the mom "is that why my name is Brook...

Three Muslim women are sitting talking...

The first one says, "I miss my eldest son Ahmed. He was martyred in Iraq last year."
"Oh I know," says the second women, "I miss little Hamza. He drove a car-bomb into a Syrian checkpoint six months ago."
The third woman nodded, "Me too. My Omar was a suicide bomber in Gaza, so sad."
The fi...

Three nuns

Three nuns, a postulant, a novitiate, and the mother superior, are driving and get in a car wreck. All three die and go to heaven. Before St. Peter lets them in, he says that to get into heaven, you have to answer one question.

He looks to the postulant and says, "because you're the youngest ...

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So a Cowboy is on the run from the Native Americans...

He is pursued by the whole tribe, and only has one bullet left in his gun. He rides forth and thinks to himself, "That's it, I am fucked."

Suddenly the Angel comes down from Heavens and tells him, "You ain't 'fucked' just yet; go hide in that bush." The Cowboy promptly hides in the bush, his ...

Since we seem to be doing Jewish jokes...

An old Jewish man is on his death bead, surrounded by his loving family, and preparing to move into the Olam Habah.
While he's lying there, he smells a delicious smell and immediately recognizes it as his wife's delicious apple pie.
He whispers to his eldest daughter:
"Sarah, my time has a...

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