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Bride Jokes

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

Man says to his new bride....

After the honeymoon, the new wife told her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.”

The husband replied, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

His wife looked at him crossly and said, “I thought you said you’ve ...

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Possible repost but... Why does a bride smile at her wedding?

Because she knows that she has given her last blowjob.

On their wedding night, a die-hard golfer makes a confession to his new bride.

"Dearest, I love you more than I can say." He paused. "But I also love golf. And I want you to know that every possible weekend, every vacation, every dollar of disposable income, I will spend on golf, golf memberships, golf vacations, golf clubs.

I know you knew some of this, but I wanted to...

What’s long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night ?

A new last name.

Broom Bride

Two brooms were hanging in the closet.....

after a while they got to know each other so well,

they decided to get married.

One broom was,

of course,

the bride broom,

the other,

the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white...

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Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." 


Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age." 


The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." 


"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" 


"Tiger Woods." 


"Tiger Woods, the golfer?" 
...

On their wedding night, the groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?"

She replied, "Why does everyone ask me that??"

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married.

Past performance is not indicative of future returns

My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride

Unbelievable!

How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?

The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is

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I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"

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A newlywed bride and groom were about to commence their honeymoon activities

when the bride became annoyed at the groom’s overly enthusiastic advances. “Have some manners like you do at the dinner table!” she scolded. The groom stopped his pawing, sat up straight, straightened his hair, buttoned and smoothed his pajamas. “Good evening madam” said the groom. “You look very lo...

Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?

Cus she never marries the best man

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A mail order bride and the butcher . . .

A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.

Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did mana...

A young bride is in bed with her husband for the first time.

When they get naked she notices that he has a club foot. Nervously she leaves the room and calls her mother.

“Mom, Frank has a foot and a half.”

The mom responds, “I’ll be right there. This sounds like a job for momma!”

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At a wedding last week, my wife said: ‘Isn’t the bride beautiful?‘ When I responded by saying, ‘Yeah, but her blowjobs aren’t half as good as yours‘, she got all pissed off.

Women — they can’t take a compliment!

A few weeks ago I ordered my favorite Eastern European mail order bride!

Still waiting. My Czech is still in the mail.

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

A newly married couple

A newly married couple make their way to bed and everything is going well until...

"Ooh! Oh! Look at that! What's wrong with it?" cries the bride.

"It's just my junk!" says the groom, offended.

"Yes, but's what's wrong with it? They're not supposed to look like that! It's all tw...

Bride was stood up at the altar and decided to have the party any way.

It went off without a hitch!

A Farmer and his New Bride

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little while t...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

A newly wed bride asks her husband

Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!

The wedding party is standing at the altar waiting for bride and groom....NSFW

The groom arrives and is adjusting his belt while smiling hugely. Groomsman asks him what he's smiling about.

Groom replies "I just got the most amazing head-job from a beautiful woman and will be waking up to that every day for the rest of my life!"

Bride arrives, fixing her lip-stick...

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I...

What does a witch bride ride?

Her Groomsdick

I've decided to marry a pencil

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

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Groom - Bride joke!

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with...

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A soon-to-be bride asks her fiancé

"Honey what exactly is a penis?"
"That baby, you'll see the night after our wedding."
Then comes their wedding night and the new husband and wife go to their hotel room. The husband takes his pants off and proudly shows his organ to his wife.
"That honey, is what we call a penis." ...

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I bought my new bride some cookery books for her birthday to help her in the kitchen.

She bought me some sex education books on my birthday.

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Why is the bride smiling when she is walking down the isle?

Because she knows she has given her last blow job.

Edit-Aisle ….. cannot spell. I’m a dumbass from Florida.

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A groom breaks tradition by taking a quiet moment with his bride before their wedding...

He can barely get one word in before she drops to her knees and gives him the best blowjob he’s ever had.

Later, beaming, as he takes his place at the altar, his best man asks him why he’s so happy.

“I just got the best blow job of my life, and I’m marrying the woman who did it!” He re...

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An old hillbilly has a beautiful young bride.

One day a salesman comes to his door selling rabbits. "That's a mighty fine looking rabbit you have there," says the old man. "How much do you want for it?"

"This one sells for 20 bucks," says the salesman.

"That's mighty expensive for a rabbit," says the hillbilly. "Tell you what, my ...

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A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather d...

Why does a bride wear white?

So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convi...

What is the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

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A bride goes to her husband on their wedding night...

And says, “I need to tell you something before we go to bed. I’m a virgin.”

Her husband was shocked, he’s her fourth marriage! He says, “HOW is it that you’ve been married three times before but you’re still a virgin?”

The bride replies, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist, and ...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

I'm starting a mail order bride service featuring women from around the world who have an STD.

Amnasty International.

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

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A new bride says to her husband on their honeymoon,

"How will I know when you're ready for sex?"
"Oh, I'll always be in the mood," he says. "But when you're in the mood, reach over and give my willy a tug. When you're NOT in the mood, reach over and give it 352 tugs."

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex...

Can you explain it to me first?"

"Okay, sweetheart.

Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what we do is put the prisoner in the prison."

And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with...

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A bride-to-be is stressing out over the fact that she’s not a virgin,

but she’s told her future husband she is. She has no idea what to do and is talking to her friends about it, when one of the friends pipes up and says, “Here’s what you do — buy some liver, stick it up there, and everything will be nice and tight and your husband will never know.”

So, the bri...

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On finding his bride to be a virgin,

a newly wedded groom is overjoyed and says, "I wanna kiss the one who took care of you and protected your virginity for me".


Bride: Kiss my ass!

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Choosing a Bride . . .

A man wanted to get married, but he was having trouble choosing among the three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and wanted to see what they would do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; bu...

The bride's mother makes a toast at a wedding

The bride's mother, nearly tearing up, stands up and makes a toast to a new chapter in her daughter's life. She says, "I see you grow faster everyday, but all I can see is that little kid inside you."
The bride then freaks out and screams "Mom, I can explain everything! How did you even find that...

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The Australian Bride

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an ave...

Here comes the bride.

There once was a woman who married a rich banker. She was married for several years and then her husband died. After a period of mourning she became married again, this time to an actor. Her actor husband became ill and died. Again after mourning she married and presently she is married to a Pastor...

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

An American just married his Chinese mail order bride...

They’re at the hotel after their quick wedding, ready to be intimate for the first time. They’re making out, things are getting hot and heavy.

Chinese Wife says: We can do whatever you want. What do you want to do?
American husband says : I want to try a 69
Chinese Wife says: Why you w...

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The bashful bride and Groom

The bashful bride and groom were delighted to be finally alone in their honeymoon suite. Blushing, the bride asked her new husband, “Johnny, now that we’re married, could you tell me what a penis is?”
Pleases to discover his wife was a virgin, he took out his penis and showed it to her...

You’ve never seen “The Princess Bride?”

Inconceivable!

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

Tearful Bride

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed a...

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of thi...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?

They rose

Why are Asian brides always so satisfied?

Because when ever you eat Chinese you're always hungry an hour later.

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

A bride was planning her wedding

A young and nervous bride planning her wedding was terrified about her upcoming marriage.
To calm her nerves, she decided to have her mother's favourite Bible verse:
**1 John 4:18**, **“There is no fear in love; for perfect love casts out fear”**
engraved on her wedding cake. ...

Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day?

Because an open casket ceremony costs more

Why was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?

He couldn’t resistor!

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

Why did the moth stick to the bride's face?

Because she was *GLOWING*

The farmer and the mail order bride...

An old lonely farmer decides to order himself a mail order bride.

Weeks later he hitches up his horse to the buggy and takes the long trip into town to pick her up.

He gets his new bride and her belongings into the wagon and together they begin the long journey back to the farm.
...

BRIDE & BROOM

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be? We haven't even swept together!"

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Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

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Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ?

No more blow jobs.

A farmer had ordered a mail order bride

She arrived by train in the nearest town, so he strapped his horse to his carriage and went to pick her up.

On the way back, the horse stumbles on one leg, and the farmer loudly says "That's one!"

After a little while more, the horse once again stumbles, and the farmer loudly says "Tha...

The captain's supple young bride...

... fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by the squeals
that some of the eels
had found a dark place to hide.

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My new Asian mail order bride turned up last month.

Sadly, she has all the "Asian" stereotypes.... including a very tiny penis.

The Bride of Frankenstein

Dr. Frankenstein: I took the Bride Of Frankenstein to the Caribbean last month.


Igor: Jamaica?


Dr. Frankenstein: Yes.

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The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...

..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best blow job in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "W...

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

After the Texan wedding ...

... the newlywed cowboy rides home with his bride. It's a long way back to his ranch, and the horse has to carry both him and his bride, so it stumbles, nearly throwing off the two riders. The cowboy calmly straightens up the reins, waits for the horse to gather and says nothing, except, very calmly...

What did AOL say to the man about his new bride from Thailand?

You've got male

I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...

"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar?

Can't say I do.

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

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I got fucked by a priest 20 years ago....

....He said "you may now kiss the bride".

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A Groomsman said to the Groom on his wedding day…

“You look so happy and contented, what’s your secret?”

To which the Groom replied; “Of course I’m happy and contented, I just got the best blowjob of my life!”

Meanwhile, the Bridesmaid said to the Bride;

“You looks so happy and contented, what’s your secret?”

To which th...

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

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A man is getting married, and wants to impress his bride to be.

So he gets her name, Wendy, tattooed down the side of his shaft. He keeps it a surprise for the honeymoon as it heals and is quite impressed with the work. Although when he's flaccid all you can see is Wy, when he's hard there it is, in all its glory, in a beautiful font. The big day comes, and they...

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