I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

Once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki...

What do you feed a baby parabola?

Quadratic Formula

When I was a baby.

My parents used to bath me cheap Australian beer.


It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered.

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby

For instance, my name, address, telephone number..

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

Damn baby, are you GameStop?

Because I wanna blow everything I've got on you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like a baby

A newlywed couple who have decided to wait until marriage, are getting undressed together for the first time. Before they get started, the man says, "I don't want you to be surprised - my dick... It's like a baby". The woman's face turns serious for a second as she thinks about it, and then she smil...

One day a little boy became so jealous of his baby brother that he applied poison on the nipples of his mother while she was sleeping.

Next day the milkman died.

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

A proud new dad sat next to me in the bus today, pulled out his phone, and showed me a picture of his rather ugly baby.

I told him, "that's a really nice phone."

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

Why can’t 2 Asian people make a white child baby

cause 2 wongs don’t make a white

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Baby’s first check-up

A woman and a baby were sitting in a doctor’s examination room patiently waiting for the doctor to come give the baby his first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned asked if he was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed” she re...

A white woman has a baby with a white husband

The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black?

''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband

Where do baby cows eat dinner?

**In a calfeteria.**

(Told to me by my 5 year old granddaughter)

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

What did the driver say after ramming into baby on board

Don't worry, the baby is no longer on board.

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What would you like?” The baby seals says..

“Give me anything except a Canadian Club.”

Idk if this has been done before, I thought of it today in gym class: what’s a baby’s favorite clothing brand?

Fruit of the womb

I tried to make a joke about the time I dropped my baby off a tenth floor balcony.

But it fell flat.

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

A woman announced that she was pregnant. Everyone congratulated her until she said that it wasn’t a baby, but rather, a joke...

It turned out she had a pun in the oven the whole time

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

My wife is divorcing me because I keep getting aroused by serious situations. She tried to explain it away, but I said, "Baby, please...

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

A woman walked into the dentist's clinic very nervously and said, "I'm scared. I'd rather have a baby than get a tooth pulled out."

"Fine with me," said the dentist, "but I'll have to adjust the chair."

The doctor told my pregnant wife and I that they were going to deliver the baby.

We were hoping our child would be able to keep their liver.

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My sisters baby

So I am not allowed to hold my sisters baby anymore. The one fucking time I held the baby I dropped it, I swear it wasn't a big deal but she started screaming at me and even got the fucking cops involved, and I'm like "okay but the real question here is WHO THE FUCK brings a baby to the grand canyon...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

Hey baby, are you a body bag?

Cuz you're dead inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the baby born without eyelids?

They used his foreskin to make him new ones. He sees just fine but he is a little cock-eyed.

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

A baby mosquito is coming home from his first flying lesson

Son, you did good?
Terrific! Everyone clapped

What do you call a baby in full plate armor?

*Infantry*




Credit to SpenceOrSpencer and BramBones in r/TIL comments

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

A baby polar bear went out to play one day...

...but an hour later he was back inside. He asked his mom, "Mom, am I a brown bear?" His mom replies, "No, your father's a polar bear, I'm a polar bear, you're a polar bear. Now go back outside and play."

...a half hour later, the baby polar bear comes back in. "Dad... am I a grizzly bear...

When it comes to baby chickens...

...talk is *cheep*

What did baby corn tell mamma corn?

Where’s pop corn?

From my 7 year old daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They’re both thinking “oh fuck, mom’s gonna kill me”

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens.

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

Why was the baby ink drop crying?

His mom was in the pen, and didn't know how long her sentence was.

What's worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

1 baby nailed to 10 trees!

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

Baby, I've got to give you a speech

because I'm imagining you naked

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani man were sat in the waiting room of the maternity ward at the local hospital.

A nurse comes out and says to the men "I'm sorry, but there's a been a mix-up and we don't know which baby belongs to which mother. Any chance one of you could come in and see if you can help?"

The Englishman stands up and says that he'll help. He walks into the ward and, a couple of minute...

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby..

Little Jack's neighbors have a newborn baby but unfortunately he was born without ears.

When Jack's family is invited to the neighbors to see the child, Jack's father takes him aside and explains:

\- This child is their greatest joy and they wanted him for a long time! Do not say anyt...

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there".

"And over there. And up there. And back there."

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A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

Where do baby ghosts go when their parents are at work?

To day-scare!

The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world

Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.

How do you get a baby in a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

What the first bit of a pleasure a baby chicken gets?

It gets laid!

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

Michael Phelps is in bed with his wife and in the mood. Phelps gives her 'the look' and says "C'mon baby, I'm ready to go for the gold."

Phelps' wife sighs a bit and says "How about you go for the silver tonight and let me come first for once?"

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An elderly man and s woman wanted to have a baby.

The woman was in perfect health but the doctor needed a sample of the man’s semen. The man said he can only do that about once a week. The doctor then proceeded to give the man a vial. “Come back next week with your sample” the doctor said. The man came back next week, no sample. The doctor asked wh...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. ...

Hey baby are you my GPA?

Because you look like you'd disappoint my parents.

Little Timmy asked his mom "What does baby making faces mean?"

The mom answered "Baby making faces mean that there is a person a few years younger than you making funny faces"


Little Timmy moved on and said "I don't understand this, dad's friend isn't a baby, but he said on the phone he loved her babymaking face"

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

What animal leaves their family after its baby is born?

Bison

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our doctor told us we could have sex right up until the time of the baby’s birth.

So I don’t know why they got so upset with me in the delivery room.

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

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After 10 years a wife started to think their child was looking strange.

So she did a DNA test and found out the child was not theirs. She told her husband what she had found out.

The husband replied, you don’t remember do you?!

When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and ...

What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain?

A moist-owlette

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

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A baby started crying in the theatre during a movie.

Someone shouted, " hey lady, put a boob in its mouth"

The baby's father responded, "who the fuck are you."

Someone shouts from the back.

" Put the other one in his mouth."

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

How to stop a baby from crawling around in circles

Nail its other hand to the floor

What did Kuiil say when The Mandilorian told him that The Child (Baby Yoda) wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese?

“I have token.”

Where do baby ghosts come from?

We all know the girl ghosts have booooo-bies but how do the boy ghosts do anything with their hollow weenies?

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