UPJOKE
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While driving home from the store yesterday evening my wife told me she wants another baby.



I said, "That's wonderful! I don't really like this one either."

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says ‘Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’
The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down. She says to the man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’
The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll hold your monkey for you.'

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

Why did Trump throw so many plates against the wall like a baby?

He wanted to seem tough on china.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

What’s the difference between a pumpkin and a classroom filled with baby antelopes?

Quite a few things

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 18.
<...

Hey baby, you wanna play pilgrim thanksgiving?

That’s where you squat and I gobble!

Why did the dolphin have a baby?

It gave her porpoise.

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What should the baby's name be?

A young woman was talking to her friend about how she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend but didn't want to get pregnant. The friend told her to yell "what should the baby's name be" and that it would scare the boyfriend into pulling out.

Later that night the woman and her boyfriend were g...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

A father at the hospital is looking at his new born baby

The baby has a birth defect. He's just one big baby sized ear. No arms... No legs... No face or belly or bottom. Just a big baby sized ear.

The father is undaunted and hopes for a bright future for his child. He tells the baby "Don't worry baby, you may just be one giant ear... But it won...

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A Baby Polar Bear...

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mo...

Papa Mole, Mama Mole, and Baby Mole

There was a papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole tunneling through the ground one right after the other. They were digging and digging and digging when all of a sudden, Bam! The papa mole ran into a wall.

The papa mole was a bit shaken up. He stuck his head out and saw it was Waffle House...

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

Two baby seals walked into a club

The end

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Did you hear about the baby born with no eyelids?

They used the skin they removed from his foreskin to make eyelids for him. Poor kid is cock-eyed because of it.

Nurse: "Please wait 5 minutes for me to deliver your baby".

Patient: "No thanks, I'd like my baby to keep her liver".

A blonde girl walks into a gym and sees a guy.

The guy takes off his shirt she says, "Oh what chest!"

"That's 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

Then he takes off his pants she says, "Oh what legs!''

He says, "That 100 lbs of dynamite, baby."

After that, he took off his underwear. The blonde girl starts running he catches...

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can ?

A baby in two trash cans.

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

Why do blonde change her baby's diapers once in a week?

Because the package says "up to 10 kilos".

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

A man is sitting on a train with a baby, who is very ugly.

In fact, the baby is so ugly that a nearby passenger says,

“What a hideous baby.”

“I’ve never been so insulted in my whole life,” the man says, and

hurries to the train conductor to complain.

“I’m so sorry, sir,” the train conductor says, when the man tells her
he wa...

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken

What’s the difference between a liquid and the matter baby?

What’s the matter baby?

Nothing honey

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying

His mom asked him "How do you feel?

He replied: It was wonderful,Everyone was clapping for me!

What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?

Holy Diapers.

I was always told as a kid “if you shake it more than twice you’re just playing with it”

If that were true I would still have my baby

A duck and a dog have a baby together. The baby duck-dog was smaller than a proton. You know what sound it made?

Quark-quark!

A Woman gives birth.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later she wakes and asks the doctor about her baby, Doctor says you had twins a boy and a girl, your brother has named them. Oh no he is an idiot! what did he name the girl? "Denise", Oh that's not so bad says the woman, and the boy?....

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching

a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

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Guy comes back from deployment after a year...

And immediately when he gets home, he shows his wife a new trick he taught himself. He drops his pants and looks at his member and says "Soldier, ten-hut!"
His member immediately shoots errect.
She finds this ammusing.
"Baby," he says "there is more."
He looks down at his member and says...

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Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said,

\- "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped...

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Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

Dad: "Your teenage brother will drive you to your mom's house tomorrow." Kid:"What about the baby?"

Dad: "The baby doesn't have a driver's license."

On a historic day like today I expected more dead baby jokes

Guess I will have to travel out of state to find those too

A baby whale told his mother thanks for making me.

She said your whale cum.

I wanted to tell a dirty joke about a baby chicken but...

Then I realized it was a little fowl.

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

I stared intensely as my neighbour removed the red dress, then the bra, then the silk underwear.

"Oo yeah," I whispered to myself, as I looked through my telescope, "you keep emptying that washing machine, baby."

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."


Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxiou...

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

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The baby elephant trunk...

A man is in a tragic accident and awakens in the hospital. The doctor and nurse are there and after the basic checks the doctor pulls up a chair.

"I have some terrible news, sir. You were in a terrible accident and you lost your penis."

The man is shocked, and starts to weep, but the ...

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

When I was a baby.

When I was growing up my parents used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.


It wasn't until I was 18 I realized I had been Fostered..

What did the computer want to name its baby?

If it's a boy, Dell. If it's a girl, Adele.

I calculated the solution for the baby formula problem, but I got it upside-down.

58008.

What’s worse than 3 babies in 1 garbage can?

1 baby in 3 garbage cans!

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

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Just for Bieber

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of young, loud Justin Bieber Fans, shouting and singing , with posters of Justin Bieber new album in their hands "JB I love you" s...

A man flashes a woman at the grocery store

She says " Oh my gosh ! Thank you ! I almost forgot to get baby carrots

What did Batman have in his crib as a baby?

A Batmobile.

The Wongs had a baby.

The Wongs had a baby. The husband suspected the wife had cheated when the baby came out Caucasian. As we all know, 2 Wongs don't make a white.

Dead baby jokes are terrible

If you’re gonna tell one, just abort it.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1) How to tell this to my wife

2) Where to find a 1 year old baby

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

If olive oil comes from olives and mineral oil comes from minerals...

What does baby oil come from?

A young man gets hit by a bus and his mother holds a seance.

A young man gets hit by a bus and his distraught mother calls a mystic and they hold a seance.

The mystic tells the mother that it's very good she called so soon, because the spirits of the deceased only have a short time while they are awaiting their eternal destination to commune with the l...

What did baby Bruce Wayne have hanging over his crib?

a bat mobile

What is the difference between Biology & Sociology ?

If a newly born baby looks like his father, it is Biology but if he looks like the neighbor that’s Sociology.

Why Was the Anti-Vaxxer’s Baby Crying?

It Was Having a Mid-Life Crisis.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...

When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go co...

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker

Why do you put diapers on a baby?

To tie up loose ends

Baby joke

A woman has a baby born with no arms or legs but only a head and torso. 5 years later, the boy asks him mom for arms for Christmas.

He wakes on Christmas morning and he gets his arms and he's so happy.

The next Christmas comes and he asks for legs so that he can be like the other kids...

What's the difference between a kilo of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton would never let a kilo of coke fall out of a window.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's Popcorn?"

Dead baby jokes are really distasteful NSFL

Especially considering how many babies you have to kill before it stops being funny.

A chinese baby was born before due date

His parents named him Earl Lee

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When I have a baby...

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what friend just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. ...

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"


The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

A nurse was dating a doctor and got pregnant.

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn't want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says "Rub your belly once a day every day and say 'Be polite, be polite.' "

So she starts doing so. Bu...

Making Babies

A couple went to the hospital for their baby delivery. The wife was very sickly and fragile. The deliver had to be a Caesarean section. The husband was pacing the hallways while the wife was in surgery. The nurse finally came out of the delivery room with a little package wrapped in a blue blank...

Why have Barbie and Ken never had a baby?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

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The Moth and the Podiatrist

A podiatrist finishes up with his last patient of the day when in walks a moth.

The podiatrist says, “I’m just about to close up for the night, but I don’t have much going on. What seems to be the matter?”

The moth says, “Everything, Doc. I’m thinking of killing myself. The company I’v...

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