UPJOKE
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
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“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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What does a pregnant teenager and her unborn baby have in common?

They're both thinking 'Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me...'

I know this is a repost. Welcome to /r/jokes

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A perfectly normal couple has a baby, but, very unexpectedly, the baby is born without arms. Or legs. Or even a body. It's just a head...

Nevertheless, the couple embrace their roles as parents and, as unusual as it is, they raise their baby, trying to make his life as normal as possible. Obviously, it's a struggle, but they manage... and they love and treat their son like any other normal kid. Well, as much as possible.

On the...

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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What sexual position *guarantees* the ugliest baby?

Go ask your mother.

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A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

**EDIT**: Okaaay, this is on the front page? It's a joke my friends 9 year old son told me that...

Why was the baby in Africa crying?

It was having a mid-life crisis.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having their babies. Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said "congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys."

The redneck said "I am not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney." The nurse replied, "you might want to get it cleaned because they are all black."

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

German Baby Joke I saw on QI

A British couple decided to adopt a German baby. They raised him for years, however they began to get worried because he never spoke, and they believed that he was mentally handicapped, going as far as to take him to therapy, which was fruitless.
Then, when the child was 8 years old, he had a Str...

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My wife said she'd like to have another baby.

I agreed, the one we have is fucking annoying!

Hey Baby, are you russian?

Because you seem to be influencing my erection.
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*Full Disclosure: Someone else made this as a snarky comment on a politics subreddit and I realized it would make a good joke*

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

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I woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

Q: Why are baby otters born furry?

A: The mother pre-furs them that way.

[Came up with this while nursing today's hangover, lol. My brain is now done for the day.]

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

A baby camel asks his father, “Dad, why do we have a hump on our back?”

The dad replies, "So that we can store water in those."


He then asks, "Why do we have hooves then?"


The dad replies, "To prevent our feet from sinking in the sand."


After thinking this over, he then asks, "Then why do we have big eyelids?”



The dad rep...

What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

What is difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out a window.

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Baby Naming

A couple had just had their first child, a boy.

The father was Irish and Indian, the wife Chinese and Italian.

Each wanted their son’s name to reflect his heritage.

After much back-and-forth they finally decided on the name:

Ravi O’Lee

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After a hour of labor, a woman gives birth to a beautiful baby boy..

Moments after taking his first breath in the real world, the baby looks at the doctor holding him and asks, "Are you my father?" The doctor responds, "No sweet child, I am not your father."

The doctor hands the baby to his mother. As she gazes into his eyes lovingly, the baby asks, "Are you m...

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because he wasn't born yesterday

I don't drink cow milk, because I'm not a baby cow.

However I do drink almond milk, because I'm a little nutty!

If a stork brings a white baby and a crow brings a black baby; what bird brings no baby?

a swallow

A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing...

"My mom is gonna kill me."

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

The German Baby Joke

So there is this couple and they adopt a baby from Germany. The baby never starts speaking, even after 3 years. After four years of the boy not speaking the couple take the boy to the doctor, but the doctor says that everything is developing fine, and that there is nothing wrong with him.

...

Baby camel asks its mother

Baby camel: Why do we have these humps on out backs?

Mother camel: We store water there for when we walk long distances in desert and we don't have water for days.

Baby camel: Ok. What are our long eyelashes for?

Mother camel: When there is a sandstorm, they stop sand from enter...

What did baby corn ask mommy corn?

Where is pop corn?

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

A baby harp seal walks into a bar...

... and orders a whiskey. The bartender asks, "What kind?"

The baby harp seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club. "

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the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot

And directly hit my car.


This dude has pretty serious issues with pulling out.

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

What does the baby computer call it’s father?

Data.

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

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Yeah, baby! I have sex for 61 minutes last night!

Thank you Daylight Saving Time!

Dad, where do baby skeletons come from?

Well son, when a girl skeleton and a boy skeleton love each other very much, they bone!

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

When someone hands you their baby…

Hand it back and say “I’m a vegetarian”

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby...

...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents ar...

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle

Breastfeeding a Baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so sh...

Why don't baby seals go dancing?

They're terrified of clubs!

A couple are expecting a baby

The day finally comes, and the husband takes his wife to the hospital and she is taken to the delivery room. The husband paces the floor waiting to hear the news.

Finally, the Doctor comes out and tells the husband that he unfortunately has bad news, and that his wife has just given birth to ...

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

I slept like a baby last night

That's right, I woke up every two hours, shat myself and then cried.

I ate a baby wookiee the other day

It was a little chewy

Two babies were just born at the hospital.

One of the babies turns to the other and asks, "Are you a boy baby, or a girl baby?" The other baby just giggles and says. "I don't know!"

The other newborn is surprised, but admits, "Actually, I don't know if I'm a boy or a girl, either."

"I wonder how we can find out?" says the secon...

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

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A little boy named johnny is going to visit his neighbour's baby who was born with no ears.

"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or i'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him. They arrive at the neighbour's house, and Johnny asks the neighbour: "so how much does he weigh?"

"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbour is excited to have someone ...

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

What's the best part of being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I kno...

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

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You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

Where will baby Kal-El be sleeping?

In his crib-tonight.

Why are baby ants confused?

Because all their uncles are ants.

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I asked my Smart Device to play "Baby Making Sounds.. To get my dogs used to having a baby in the house.

It started playing Marvin Gaye.

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What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Repost.

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby.

She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my husband hath oft taken that road.”

[This is translated from a joke book from the Middle ...

Hey baby are you my GPA?

Because you look like you'd disappoint my parents.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

A joke about a Newfie couple having a baby.

A man and his pregnant wife live in a very rural part of Newfoundland in Canada. Late one night during a heavy rainstorm, his wife goes into labor. The husband sends for the doctor, who arrives and he and the husband have to hold lanterns because they had no electricity or other fancy things in that...

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A baby is born without an eyelid and referred to a Plastic surgeon

Plastic surgeon : You’re lucky it’s a boy. We will perform a circumcision and reconstruct the eyelid with the foreskin.
Mom (not entirely reassured): Will he be ok ? Will he be cockeyed?

Plastic surgeon : Oh no Ma’am, in fact he will have foresight.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

Hey baby, call me Colgate

Because 9 out of 10 dentists recommend me in your mouth.

What do you call it when two christians have a baby together?

Cross breeding

What do you call a fat baby?

Heavy infantry

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

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Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the...

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Boy, I slept like a baby.

I woke up screaming every 30 minutes and was obsessed with boobs all night long.

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

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