After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke every two hours and cried.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

Sleeping Baby

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the car...

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother's feet

It's something about waiting until he is born or whatever..

Hey baby, do you like Thanksgiving?

Because I want to pump-kin into that pie.

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data!!! Daataa!!!

A baby seal walks into a bar.

Bar keep asks, "what do you want?"

The baby seal replies, "anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."

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I had to go to the hospital to help my wife deliver a baby

While I was there my wife suddenly started freaking out about what if the baby came out with a birth defect. Everything was going through her head from it having six toes to having three heads. Eventually it got bad enough that a doctor had to come in and calm her down. Her first question was what w...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

What happened to the baby portabella when he talked back to his parents?

He got sent to his mushROOM

What did the daddy buffalo say to baby buffalo when he grew up and went to college?

Bison

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

What did the baby corn call his dad?

Popcorn.

(sorry if that joke was a little corny)

As I moved my hand up her leg I said, "Baby, your legs are the sauce. I'm going to name them Sweet and Sour."

And then I discovered they came with McNuggets.

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

My wife is having a baby with another man, she says it's a grudge baby...

... Someone had it in for me.

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Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

There’s nothing sweeter than a baby’s laughter…

Unless it’s 3am.

And you’re home alone.

And you don’t have a baby.

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Why do so many people use baby chickens as Therapists?

Because everything they say is cheap

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A man walks into a bar with a baby stork and a cat.

Sitting down, the man orders a beer, the stork orders a scotch, but the cat just sits at the bar and eats the free peanuts. The man catches the bartender staring incredulously, and asks him,

"do ya wanna know where I got these animals?"

The bartender nods.

"Well, about a week...

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

"Here, you take the baby and give me the eggs....

...You always drop everything!"

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred ha...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

A Chinese baby was born way too early..

So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

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Why couldnt baby jesus be born in NYC?

Because they couldnt find 3 wise men or a virgin

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never drop a bag of cocaine.

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

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What's the difference between a Baby Daddy and a hotel couch?

Baby Daddies don't pull out.

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

Little Johnny's neighbour just had a baby.

Sadly, the baby was born without any ears.

When the mum and baby came back home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a chat with him and explained how the baby had no ears.

Johnnys dad also told him t...

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

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Baby name

A gal asks her mother for advice on how to get her boyfriend to propose. Her mom suggests not asking directly, but instead asking what he would name their baby, if they had one.

So, after sex one night, she asks her boyfriend, “If we had a son, what would we name him?”

Her boyfriend t...

My mother was showing my new girlfriend some of my baby photos.

"Oh my goodness, you haven't changed at all!" said my girlfriend.

"Alright mum," I replied, "that's enough of the naked ones."

A young whale asks his dad where he came from.

Father: “When a mommy whale and a daddy whale love each other very much they make a baby whale.”

Son: “Thanks, dad!”

Father: “You’re whale cum, son!”

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

How tall are baby cows?

About calf height

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Have you heard about Gucci's new line of baby clothes?

Gucci-goo

What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?

Alpaca lunch

My Friend Had Twins Over the Pandemic

I ran into her for the first time in ages and asked how the little ones were doing. She said Amal and Juan were just fine and were growing like weeds.

I asked to see a picture of them and she showed me a single baby on her phone.

“Aren’t there two of them?” I asked.

She replied:...

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

What did the baby say to the mama?

“I don’t always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.”

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

How do you stop a baby from spinning on the ground?

You nail his other hand to the ground.

What's the difference between a hacksaw and a blender?

Are you kidding? You should be able to tell them apart, they're two completely different tools.

>!Anyway, you can't just put the entire baby into the blender, it doesn't fit. That's what the hacksaw is for.!<

Having a baby

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address. telephone number.

A baby key is watching his dad unlock a door…

One key see, one key do.





Please improve on this, I just came up with it.

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

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So a baby polar bear walks up to his mother and says...

"Mom, you're a polar bear, right?" The mother says, "Yes, I am a polar bear."

"Okay, just wanted to be sure," the baby says.

The next day, the baby polar bear returns to his mother. "Mom, I want to be clear here: you're a polar bear, right?"

"Yes, I am a polar bear," the mother ...

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A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

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Little Johnny again.....

So little Johnny sitting on a street corner playing with a mason jar full of a clear liquid. As he sits on the curb slowly tilting the jar back and forth watching the bubbles run he's noticed by the local preacher who walks over to check up on him. Good morning Johnny, what are you up to on this fin...

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"

The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

What's worse than nailing 100 babies to a tree?

Nailing one baby to 100 trees.

(Note: IDK where I got this one, someone told me it, thought I would share)

Me and my soft-spoken wife are trying to have a baby.

After the first try, she was so eager, she asked if we could do it again.


“Come again?” I said.

How do you know if a baby is Italian?

Only feeds on hairy nipples

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

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