A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before...

but let me give it a shot.

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

What do you call a cow that had a baby?

Decalfinated

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

Why was the baby cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

Doctor: (handing me newborn baby) I’m sorry, your wife didn’t make it.

Me: (handing baby back) well bring me the one she did make

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday

I’m doubting if the baby is mine

My bf had an affair with another girl a few months ago & yet today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant now. How the heck can I tell if the baby is really mine?

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

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I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

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*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

What do you call it when a couple think that smoking while pregnant doesn’t harm the baby?

A mis-conception

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

A baby fur seal went to a bar.

He ordered a Canadian Club

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

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My best friend’s wife is having a baby. So I asked him, “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

He thought about it and said “I just wanted a blowjob.”

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My doctor told me I have a baby dick...

Then he asked where the rest of the baby was.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

A baby seal walks into a bar..

The bartender says "what would you like? "

Baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian club on the rocks".

What do you call a baby elon musk?

Babylon

I'm sorry!

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One day a woman delivers a baby in the hospital...

The doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, swinging it around his head by its legs etc. The mother starts freaking out, crying hysterically and needed to be held back by the nurses.
Finally she screams, and begs the doctor *“WHYYYY!!?? WHY...

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

You know, a baby and the universe are pretty similar

I mean, both started with a bang

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Him: Baby do you smoke after sex?

Me: That depends how fast you fuck me

A newlywed couple run into their bedroom and close the door behind them. The wife looks into her husband’s eyes and says “take off my shirt, baby”

So he takes her shirt off. Then the wife says “take off my pants.” So he takes her jeans off. She smiles and says “now take off my bra.” He smiles and takes it off. “Now take off my panties” she says. He smiles even more and takes her parties off. Then the wife says “Now don’t let me catch you weari...

Ugliest baby in the world

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver looks at the baby and exclaims "That is the ugliest baby I have ever seen!".

All upset the woman walks to the very back of the bus and takes a seat.

A man sitting on the seat across from the walkway notices the upset look on her fa...

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his mom and dad were in a jam

If a rhino and a elephant had a baby, what would you name it?

Helliphino



[hell-if-I-know]

Some people wake up finding messages like “Good morning baby”

I wake up with “Battery full, Remove charger”

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Am I a polar bear? Asks the baby polar bear

Baby bear: am I a polar bear?

Mama bear: well I’m a polar bear and your dad is a polar bear so of course you’re polar bear

Next day,
Baby bear: am I a polar bear?

Papa bear: well your mom is a polar bear and I’m a polar bear so yes son you have to be a polar bear

Nex...

What's worse than 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?

1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.

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Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.

Keep the bath water. In this day and age you can sell that shit.

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

What's the name of the type of force that holds a baby in the mother's womb?

Centrifetal

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato is walking down the road.

Baby tomato starts to lag behind. Papa tomato becomes angry, goes upto Baby tomato, squeeze it and says, "Catch Up"

You know what’s the one good thing about having a two headed baby

More food

What do you call a frightened baby donkey?

A chicken burrito.

Baby boomers are always talking about the things they miss that millenials are taking away from them.

You know what we'll miss when we're old? Trees.

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

What do you call a boat who just got a baby dinghy?

A mothership

What do you call a Turkish baby?

Kebab-y

What do you say to a Turkish baby that won’t be quiet?

Shish Kebab-y

My five year old told me when bees scratch each other they have baby boys. I told him to not be so ridiculous.

He then called me a son of a bee itch.

What's the best way to get a baby out of a blender?

Doritos.

Did you all hear the joke about the premature baby?

Never mind, it’s too soon

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gave my wife a baby shower and she was mad

Took her awhile to clean the cum out her eyes and hair

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Chris Brown is expecting a baby.

Guess Rhianna isn't the only one who's ass is getting slapped before the black eyes.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby.....

As though it might be something else, like a penguin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby boy with no eyelids.

The parents are, as expected, devastated by Their son’s deformity.
Fortunately, at the hospital is a world-renowned optical surgeon, who gives hope to the distraught couple. He can replace the infant’s eyelids with the skin that will be cut away when the newborn is circumcised, since it is as de...

What do you call a baby goth bird?

An emo chick.

Credits to u/jasperatu for inspiration.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey baby, you like big dicks?

Her: ooooh yeah!

Me: .....damn it.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They'll leave it how it is, expect millennials to clean up after them, and call them selfish and entitled when they get called on it.

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