Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants

Whenever someone talks about taking baby steps

I like to imagine them walking up a staircase made of babies.

@ErikJMoyer

Saw a little creeper when playing Minecraft the other day

Call that a baby boomer

Y'all have heard of Joe's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce

Now get ready for Joe's Thanksgiving And Abortion Store
Where yesterday's baby is today's gravy

A ladu goes to the dentist..

...he looks in her mouth and says "that tooth needs to come out".

She says "oh no I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled".

He says "ok but make up your mind I need to adjust the chair"

Why are dead baby jokes so funny?

Because they never get old.

Papa, Mama, and baby mole are in their hole relaxing.

Suddenly Papa mole says “I smell honey” so he sticks his head out of the
hole to look around.

Then Mama mole says “I smell maple syrup” so she sticks her head out
of the hole to look around.

Baby mole is too small to see out the hole so he says “All I smell is
molasses”.

A mother has two babies, and she breastfeed them everyday

During breastfeeding, each baby would suckle on one of her nipples.

One day, one of the baby came up with a scheme to murder his brother, thinking that he would get more milk to himself that way. So, he secretly applied poison to the his brother's "nipple".

Little did he know, his br...

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

Doctor : (Hands me my newborn baby) So sorry but your wife didn't make it...

Me : (Hands the baby back) Well bring me the one she made then

I heard that sperm is the strongest glue ever.

It might be true : I've never seen a baby falling apart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A catholic goes into confession

"Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest goes "what have you done?" "I have killed hundreds of baby's, and flushed them all down the toilet." Says the sinner The priest calls the police and says "officer we have another baby murder" and the officer goes "damnit father, how many times have I...

I was going to tell a dead baby joke

But then I decided to abort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Baptismal is held

The baby shits while in the holy water

The priest says "Holy shit!"

Amen.

Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and I can't afford to pay you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

Little Sally

Little Sally keeps coming home with a pocket full of money. Finally one day mom stops her asks. Little Sally where do you keep getting all this money from...well mom the boys at school pay me to climb that tree over there... oh baby you know that they only want to look at your underwear..little Sall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gives birth to a baby.

The doctor starts body slamming it ,throwing it against walls, stomping on it, etc.
The woman woman gave the doctor a terrified look.
The doctor says, "I'm just fuckin with you. It came out dead."

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three pregnant women...

Are sitting in the OBGYN office knitting baby sweaters.

The first woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a small pill. She states "this is folic acid, it's an important vitamin for development of my baby," then resumes her knitting.

The second woman reaches into her purse, pulls ou...

What did the mother cow say to her baby cow?

Its pasture bedtime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't know that I have baby cannibals in my basement.

Until I stopped feeding them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Politeness is key

A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man.

She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told he...

Did you hear about the recent cosmetics experiments on baby kittens?

Those turned out to be a big

Cat astrophe

A woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy...

The baby asked the doctor, "Are you my father?"

"No." Replies the doctor.

The baby asks another doctor, "Are you my father?"

"Sure ain't." Replies the second doctor.

The baby asks his older brother, "Are you my father?"

"Not at all." Replies the brother.

Fin...

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

After a long engagement,

Peter and his wife, Mary had taken the step of matrimony.

One day, Peter and Mary sat down to discuss what traits they wanted their baby to have. After a long discussion, the couple decided that to be successful in life, their baby must be courteous to others and be the most polite person in...

Anti-vaxxers has baby

That sh*t going viral

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s one my biology teacher told in class.

There are three moles digging a hole. There’s a daddy mole, a mommy mole, and a baby mole. The daddy mole stops digging and sticks his nose in the air and says “it smells like pancakes!”
Then, the mommy mole sticks her nose in the air and says “it smells like bacon!”
Then the baby mole sighs ...

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

A guy calls 911 in a panic

"My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" He said

"Calm down" the 911 operator said. "Is this her first child?"

"No, you idiot!" The guy shouts in anger. "This is her husband!"

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

I thought getting a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.

.

.

..

.

.

I want my mummy.

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife have a baby.

As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the b...

What's worse than punching a baby?

Punching a dead baby

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I slept like a baby last night

I woke up crying several times and shit myself.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

If sunflower oil is made from sunflowers, and olive oil is made of olives, then what's baby oil made from?

Bees from the bay

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

Baby you can call me King Arthur

Because you came a lot.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

I’m doubting if the baby is mine

My bf had an affair with another girl a few months ago & yet today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant now. How the heck can I tell if the baby is really mine?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get so drunk you poop your pants and wake up curled up in the corner like a baby?

Fecal Alcohol Syndrome

What's worse than five babies in one dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

A baby fur seal went to a bar.

He ordered a Canadian Club

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I have a baby dick...

Then he asked where the rest of the baby was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

What do you call it when a couple think that smoking while pregnant doesn’t harm the baby?

A mis-conception

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend’s wife is having a baby. So I asked him, “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

He thought about it and said “I just wanted a blowjob.”

A baby seal walks into a bar..

The bartender says "what would you like? "

Baby seal says "Anything but a Canadian club on the rocks".

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

What’s worse than ten babies stapled to one tree

One baby stapled to ten trees

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.