I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey ...

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it.

So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby"

Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

The Three Babies

An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Baby whale : "Dad, where did I come from?"

Dad whale: "You came from my penis, son"

Baby whale : "Ok cool. Thanks, Dad"

Dad whale : "You're whale cum"

If 1 stork brings 1 baby, and 2 storks bring 2 babies, what brings no babies at all?

Two swallows.

What's worst than a baby in a trashcan ?

A baby in two trashcan.

Typical Texan baby boy

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender s...

A baby turtle...

...was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb.


About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, d...

How to make a baby

There is not one dirty word in this, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

What do you call a baby manatee?

A boyatee

My sister recently had a baby to “save the relationship”

and I still don’t talk to her.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke,

But then I decided to abort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The whale babies

A blue whale father is swimming with his son through the ocean

„ Daddy ? „, asks the boy

„ Yes ? „

„ How are baby whales made? „

„ Uhm „, answers the fathers with a pause, „ I can tell you „

„ Great! Thanks Daddy !„

„ You are whalecum „

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

How do you make a baby cry?

Drop it.




How do you make the baby stop crying?

*Drop it again*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple is in the hospital after the wife just had a baby.

The doctor comes up to them with a concerned expression. "Your son is perfectly healthy, but I'm afraid he doesn't have eyelids. What we can do is graft a pair with the skin left after we circumcise him"

The dad asks "But won't be end up cock-eyed?".

The doctor says" Oh, no. If anythi...

If Batman and Superman had a baby, what would it be?

Adopted

Where does a baby bear go to school?

In an ursary.

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. But he was born with no ears.

Johnny and his mom went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its ears or else he would get a spanking.

Johnny looked at the baby and said, "my, what a lovely baby, beautiful feet, hands and skin. How is his eyesight?"

The baby's mom said it was perfect.

Johnny ...

hey baby, are you a dinosaur?

because jurassthicc

What the difference between a dead baby and a bag of cocaine.

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of a window

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

"It's pasture bedtime."

Two babies are laying in the nursery

One says:
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Half a can of rootbeer. 2 scoops of dead baby.

Why did the baby cookie cry?

Because its mother was a wafer so long.

Somewhere in the world, a woman is having a baby every 12 seconds...

Someone has got to go stop her!

I just found out that I was a crack baby.

All these years and I thought I was born C-section.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

If I'm going to go to all the effort of remembering you have a baby you could at least have the common decency...

...to still have a baby when I see you several years later.

What's a good backup name to have for a baby?

Justin Case.

A man flying on a plane noticed that this one woman in the other aisle had a terrible-looking baby.

Ugly baby. I mean, a bad-looking baby. The woman caught him staring, and she says, “What are you looking at?” He said, “I’m looking at that ugly baby. That’s a hell of a kid you got there. Don’t worry, no one will steal THAT baby.”

The woman took this as an offence. She calls for the st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are some things that come with a baby

An immature asshole is one of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a baby in a nappy was awesome, when I had to go to the toilet, I just went.

Never had to worry about that shit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, my friend bought a cute baby donkey

First, he taught it to walk and run. It grew up to carry anything and still run at great speed. After that, he taught it to be friendly to everyone. It grew up to be a great emotional support animal. He taught it to study and read. It grew up to advance animal consciousness research.

So, afte...

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

I hate when baby’s kiss eachother

...It’s like, get a womb for god sake

My girlfriend and I were coming up with baby boy names and we came across the name Saul.

I asked if he turned out to be a good person would his name change to Paul?

My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

Baby are you the crumbling global economy?

Cause I want to give you an stimulus package.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl 1: Mother, why is my name Rose?

Mother: Because when you were just a precious little baby, a rose fell off a tree and onto your head.

Girl 2: But mother, why am I named Blossom?

Mother: Well my darling, same with you; a blossom blew from a tree and onto your head.

Girl 3: Mufaghh ma waafaa maaa?

Mother:...

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

Hey baby, are you the coronavirus?

Cause I wanna stay in bed with you for 2 weeks.

Why was the Anti-vaxx baby crying?

It had a midlife crisis

How do you wrap plastic around a baby sheep?

Lambinate

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

What is the best thing about trying to name a baby?

Realizing
how many people you hate.

With all this self-quarantine going on, in 9 months there will be a baby boom....

...And the top baby names will be Covid and Corona.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Nine months from now, what will the name of the next generation of baby boomers?

The coronials.
#
^(You heard it here first.)

What is the difference between a chimpanzee with a baby, Prince Charles, and a person with alopecia?

One is a hairy parent, one is an heir apparent, and the other has no hair apparent.

"Hey baby, what's your sign?"

"Do not enter."

The night my daughter was born my wife told me to change the baby

I said "we just got her, don't you want to at least give her a chance to impress us first?"

What do you call two ants who have a baby together?

Pair ants

The three wise men were visiting the little baby Jesus

As Melichior leans over to get a closer look at the infant he bumps his head on the roof of the manger and shouts, "Jesus Christ!" Mary looks up and says, "What a nice name, I was going to call him Irving".

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the ...

My sister was a test-tube baby

She had a womb with a view.

What do you call a baby ent?

Infantry (Infant-tree)

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19?

I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mary and Jane are two new mothers and they are chatting about raising baby boys

Jane asks Mary “What do you call that useless bit of skin at the end of the penis”

Mary says “I call it my husband”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that circumcision doesn't hurt the baby...

But fuck me, I didn't walk for a year after.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby polar bear asks his mom

"Momma am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear" she answers "go ask your father."

So he asks "Daddy am I a 100% polar bear?"

"Of course you're 100% polar bear.
I'm 100% polar bear, your mom's 100% polar bear.
Her parents are 100% polar bear,
my pare...

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

Wanna hear a dead baby joke I just made up?

Sorry, there are problems with the delivery.

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

1) How do you get a baby in a salsa jar? 2)How do you get it out again?

1) A blender. 2) Nacho chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

A bodybuilder and a blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."


He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite,...

So a baby seal walks into a club...

That's it.

What was Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s name when he was still a baby?

Neil DeSeed Tyson

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

What sound does Baby Yoda make?

Gaagaa-googoo

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

What religion do baby cows follower?

They are calfolic

A GAP store in London opened a Baby GAP right next to it.

As I walked past I saw a generation gap.

If baby boomers were still fertile, how many children would be conceived in quarantine?

None. All of them would be in line for toilet paper.

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