A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Why didn't Barbie have a baby?

Because Ken came in a different box.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy?

Doctor: Den...

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

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Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

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I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

I'm worried my wife is going to make our baby too materialistic.

Every time she tickles the baby, she says "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

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What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

A programmer's wife is having a baby.

The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

A missionary on a mission trip to Africa saves a baby elephant from sure death.

Long time past since then and he is back home with his kids at the zoo one day. There was an elephant show when suddenly this one elephant stops and looks very carefully at this man. Slowly comes up to his seat maintaining the eye contact. Then all of a sudden he picks the man with his trunk throws ...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

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How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby; what brings no baby?

a swallow

A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."

The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."

Th...

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I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says

"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never trust a baby with a full diaper

They're full of shit

My wife said she'd like to have another baby...

I agreed. The one we have is really starting to annoy me.

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Baby whale asks dad where does he come from...

Dad replies, “from my penis, son”

Baby whale: “thanks dad”

Dad: “you’re whalecum”

What does Chris Hansen call a baby jaguar?

A child predator

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

What do you call a baby pig?

A bacon seed.

Why was the baby sent to jail after refusing to take a nap?

Because he was resisting a-rest.

Did you hear about the baby who died ...

from drinking a bottle of glue?


He was a little stiff.

Ice, Ice baby!

In the 90s it was a corny rap song
Now it's 3 people at a detention center

The german baby

A couple adopts a german baby, and eagerly wait for its first words. The baby turns one,...then two...and three...and nothing, the parents begin to worry, and have him examined by a doctor, but the doctor can find nothing wrong...another year goes by, and still nothing.

One day, when he's fo...

What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in?

The CRISPR

What did baby corn ask mother corn?

Where's pop corn?

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

People say that having a baby makes you exhausted.

But I usually get eight solid hours of sleep every month.

My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...

So I threw one at a guy crossing the road

Three babies were in the womb talking amongst themselves about their future

They get on the topic of what they want to be when they are born and grow up.

The first baby says: "when I get older, I want to be a molder of young minds! A teacher is what I'm aiming for."

The second baby says: "when I'm a adult, I want to heal and save people! I'll be a doctor." ...

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

What’s better than throwing a baby off of a cliff?

Catching it with a pitchfork.

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

My baby made the bed all by himself....

Unfortunately, he used a big brown sheet.

A young couple has a new baby, but after a while the mother starts to think the baby doesn't resemble her or her husband . . .

She decides to get a DNA test done, and sure enough, the results come back that it is not their child.

"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this," she says to her husband. "The baby . . . she's not . . . ours."

"Yeah," says the husband.

"What do you mean, 'yeah'?" she says. "You...

A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear.

Unless it's 3 AM. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby.

What do you name an Irish baby that bounces when you throw it at a wall?

Rick O’Shea

What does a baby computer call its father?

data

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your...

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They say not having sex is the best form of birth control

Well i've tried it and my wife still had a baby...

I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant..

..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

:Me - No baby I didn't get cheesey with any other girls

:Her - Oh, Oh, you think I'm Hallouminating

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

A Baby Snake Slithers Up To His Dad...

And says "Dad, what kind of snake are we? Are we chokers or are we biters?"

"Why do you need to know that?", the daddy snake replies.

"Because I've just bit my tounge..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sleep like a baby at night.

Every 2 hours I wake up screaming and shit my pants.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy finds the stewardess and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
...

what do you call a group of baby soldiers?

INFANTry

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

My girlfriend: Oh baby I want you to tease me.

Me: Plays three seconds of the SpongeBob Sweet Victory clip.

My Girlfriend: Oooh you dirty tease!

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke from our taxi driver in Jamaica - “What is the difference between a plane and a baby?”

One flies from city to city and one sucks from titty to titty

So this British couple adopt a German baby...

... and as it grows from a babe-in-arms, to a toddler, it never makes a sound.

As the child grows into a young boy, he stays silent and it gets to the point where his adopted parents are really worried.

As the boy gets older, he still never says a word.

Then one day, the family ...

What do you call a baby cub before it starts teething?

A gummy bear

How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just enough so that they can say they're better than millennials.

How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor as well.

People think that my wife and I are cruel for naming our baby girl “Siri”.

Especially when they know our last name is Russ.

If Baby Groot was sent to Winnie the Pooh's universe, what would his new name be?

Twiglet.

A baby seal walks into a club.

I'm sorry.

The three wise men came to the manger with gifts for baby Jesus. They brought gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

Baby it’s warm inside...

How do you keep warm in a cold room?

Go to the corner because it’s always 90 degrees.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An african zoologist moves to Rural Alabama. One day, a farmer knocks on the door, behind him is his wife, holding a black baby...

Immediatly, the farmer grabs the zoologist by his collar and yells "Now you see here! See that kid over there! I've got Nine kids and they aaall white. And alla' sudden, this one comes out black! And you the only black man in a 300 mile radius, mind explaining that one to me?"

The zoologist r...

Anti vaxx jokes allow dead baby jokes to live on.

Unlike the non vaccinated kids.

Baby balloon sneaks into Mom and Dads room

He can't get into their bed because they are taking up too much room so he sneaks up and let's little air out of Dad balloon and squeezes in between them. Dad wakes up and tells him off and brings him back to his own bed.

Later on he comes back into Mom and Dads room,he still cant get into th...