A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Courtesy of my four year old

Q: What do baby corns call their daddy?

A: Popcorn

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

What’s worse than ten babies stapled to one tree

One baby stapled to ten trees

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't beca...

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Hey baby, you like big dicks?

Her: ooooh yeah!

Me: .....damn it.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

A woman carrying a baby enters a bus

The bus driver turns to her and says “My, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” Frustrated, the woman sits down next to a man. She turns to him and tells him “The bus driver was insulting me!” And the man says “You go tell him off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

You rocket

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent my wife from getting pregnant...

But apparently it just changes the color of the baby

Naming the new royal baby

Rumours were that Harry and Meghan we going to name the child “Seatbelt”

When questioned about this, Prince Harry responded with “Its what my mum would have wanted”

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

I tried to train several baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

What’s the difference between a baby and a granola bar?

Roughly 500 calories.

I was gonna have my baby at the hospital down town but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

It wasn't born yesterday

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I grinned and said, "Yes, Steve!" She gushed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"

"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"

How do you get a baby out of a blender?

With a straw

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How are baby grand pianos made?

Sex organs

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

My pregnant wife asked me if I was worried the temperature would be too hot for the baby inside her...

Putting her mind at ease I reassured her it’ll be womb temperature.

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby

Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, “congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, 5 big baby boys!” The redneck said “I’m not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney!” The nurse replied “you might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black.”

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Because his parents were in a jam.

Why couldn’t David Wong and Stephanie Wong make a Caucasian baby?

Because two wongs don’t make a white

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Elephant Penis

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless yo...

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A farmer named Carl finds a baby giraffe

A farmer named Carl was driving down the road when he saw a box on the side of the road. Carl pulled over and was shocked to see that inside the box there was a baby giraffe. Carl leaned down and said “holy crap, how did you get here little buddy?”. To his astonishment, the giraffe looked up and sai...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

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What's the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball?

You can't offload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Did you hear about Gucci's new baby line of clothing?

It's called "Gucci Gucci Goo"

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My GF has been at the Baby Shower for like 3 hours now.

That baby's gotta so fucking clean by now. What are they even doing?

Baby swans

Also known as Swanson’s

I tried to steal candy from a baby.

He slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

I thought my unborn baby might have a fever, so I stuck in a thermometer.

Turns out she was womb-temperature.

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

What's the difference between an onion and a baby.

An onion makes you cry when you cut into it.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and...

Hey baby are you free tonight?

Because I don't have any money

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

Why didn't Barbie have a baby?

Because Ken came in a different box.

I sleep like a baby...

I wake up every two hours crying/hungry with a load in my pants.

My mum told me off for tickling the baby’s foot...

She told me to wait, it’s still in the womb.

A blonde woman is taking a walk around the neighborhood, pushing a pram with her baby in it..

An elderly woman walking towards them stops, looks into the stroller and says, "What a beautiful baby! What sign was he conceived under?"


The blonde blushes slightly and replies, "It said 'Keep off the grass'."

A baby chick tells it's mom, "Mom I think I'm a penguin.."

"There's no way you're a penguin, you're without a doubt a baby chicken" she responds.

He insisted, "No mom, I really think I'm a penguin and I don't want to live in this farm anymore, I wanna live with my fellow penguins!"

She said "alright fine, you have an aunt that lives in Antarct...

I don't get why people saying "you're hung like a baby" is an insult

21 inches and 7 pounds 2 ounces is pretty impressive if you ask me.

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

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Two old guys chatting, first guy says, I had a terrible sleep last night, second guy says I slept like a baby.

Woke up with no hair no teeth and I had shit myself.

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Slept like a baby last night

Woke up at 2am with poop in my PJ's

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A woman gives birth to a baby...

...and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child.."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! I...

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Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

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What did the Mama Tomato say to the Baby Tomato when it fell behind?

Nothing. They're fucking tomatoes.

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer?

**Chilled abuse**

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Mama Bear Papa Bear and Baby Bear...

Are sitting at the table for breakfast. The Papa Bear says "my porridge is too hot!" And the Mama Bear says "my porridge is too cold!". The baby bear says "bitch bitch bitch, can't you guys ever be happy about anything?"

... As told by an 84 year old Italian man who was a patient of mine at...

There was a baby orca that had washed onto land after a huge tidal wave.

When the water receded, the orca found himself out of the water on the beach. A young man happened along and saw the orca struggling along. He always wanted a pet, so he scooped him up in a wagon and took him home; depositing him into his family's well.


This strange upbringing made the b...

An old lady decides to go to the new butcher shop that just opened in town

So she walks in, the butcher welcomes her with a big smile

\- "Welcome, what can I do for you today"

\- "I'll need 400 grams of ham please"

The butcher goes to his ham, get his chopper, does a clear cut in one go, put it on the scale : 400.0g. The old lady says :

\- "You ...

Everytime I do something nice for my girlfriend other girls ask "where can I get a man like you?"

Right here baby, I cheat

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

where do you find a baby without legs??

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

in the same spot you left him last time.

Why Was The Baby Ant Confused?

Because all of its uncles were ants!

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

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