A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

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A woman and baby were in The doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the babies first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both br...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

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Flying Baby!

Due to the pandemic, Pete had to hang out in the waiting room while his wife delivered their first baby. The doc walks in, looks and Pete and says, “I’ve got good news, Pete. Your baby can fly!” Pete was suddenly taken over by concern and wondering WTF this quack doctor could be talking about. They ...

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens.

"I'd rather have a baby than have my teeth filled" said the young woman nervously to the dentist

"fine by me " replied the dentist " Let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data.

How do you get an astronauts baby to stop crying?

You Rocket.

Baby, I've got to give you a speech

because I'm imagining you naked

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

What is a baby snake’s favorite toy?

A rattle.

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What do a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?

They’re both thinking “oh fuck, mom’s gonna kill me”

I told my pregnant wife that her not letting me speak to the baby is a mean thing

she told me to stop doing it while I'm going down on her

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

What did the sperm think about his chances of becoming a baby?

He thought it was inconceivable.

As a doctor, I know I should never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

(NSFW) What's worse than 2 dead babies in a dumpster?

One dead baby in two dumpsters

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

What the first bit of a pleasure a baby chicken gets?

It gets laid!

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An elderly man and s woman wanted to have a baby.

The woman was in perfect health but the doctor needed a sample of the man’s semen. The man said he can only do that about once a week. The doctor then proceeded to give the man a vial. “Come back next week with your sample” the doctor said. The man came back next week, no sample. The doctor asked wh...

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there".

"And over there. And up there. And back there."

The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world

Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.

If I had a dollar for every time a baby boomer told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

What can you say about a mother who drops her baby?

She miscarried.

What animal leaves their family after its baby is born?

Bison

Michael Phelps is in bed with his wife and in the mood. Phelps gives her 'the look' and says "C'mon baby, I'm ready to go for the gold."

Phelps' wife sighs a bit and says "How about you go for the silver tonight and let me come first for once?"

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A baby started crying in the theatre during a movie.

Someone shouted, " hey lady, put a boob in its mouth"

The baby's father responded, "who the fuck are you."

Someone shouts from the back.

" Put the other one in his mouth."

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Our doctor told us we could have sex right up until the time of the baby’s birth.

So I don’t know why they got so upset with me in the delivery room.

What do you call a baby Owl that was caught in the rain?

A moist-owlette

What did baby corn said to momma corn?

Where is popcorn?

How do you get a baby in a bowl?

A blender.

How do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

What did Yoda use to become a baby again?

A manDeLorean.

What did the jar say when his baby was born?

Mason

Where do baby ghosts come from?

We all know the girl ghosts have booooo-bies but how do the boy ghosts do anything with their hollow weenies?

How to stop a baby from crawling around in circles

Nail its other hand to the floor

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

Hey baby are you my GPA?

Because you look like you'd disappoint my parents.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Her mom was in a jam

When my little brother was born, he was named Ugliest Baby In The Hospital

I don't know why my parents would name him that. We call him Ubith for short.

A woman walks onto a bus holding a baby in her arms.

The bus driver comments, “Good Lord, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman is pretty angry at this, but she pays for her ticket and sits down next to a man who notices her anger and asks what’s wrong. She tells him, “The driver just insulted me!”

“You go and tell him off t...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

What's another name for a baby adoption center?

A stork market.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

Mommy mosquito to baby mosquito after his first flight "How did it go son?"

Baby mosquito "it was great mom, everyone was clapping!"

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due

She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"

A mother starts breastfeeding her baby in a park

A man finds this amusing and asks the woman "Your baby looks healthy, what do you feed it?"

Woman: "Breastmilk and orange juice"

Man: "Which side's the orange juice? I wanna try"

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

Do you know the difference between twelve-year-old scotch and baby formula?

No? Then you're sure as hell not babysitting for my kids!

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A prostitute approached me and said, “Hey baby! $500 for anything you want.”

I asked, “Anything??”

She said, “Anything you desire. You just need to say it in 3 words.”

I thought about it for a minute and said, “Paint my house.”

Me and a friend were eating Shrek's baby for dinner. My friend thought the meal was great.

Myself, I thought it was a little meaty ogre.

What was the name of the movie about a baby goat that learns karate?

The Karate Kid

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A woman gave birth to a baby named Richard.

Even as a newborn he was a Dick to everyone.

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.

He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him t...

Are you a baby crocodile?

Cos yo momma weighs 400 pounds.

What baby?

Teacher: what is small, beautiful, full of life, has 2 eyes, 1 nose, 2 ears, and crawls sometimes?

Me: a puppy

Teacher: it only has 2 legs

Me: a 2 legged puppy

Did you hear about the baby coal that went missing?

They sent out an ember alert.

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Doctor: *handing me my new born baby* I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it.

Me‌‌: *\*handin‌‌g bab‌‌y bac‌‌k t‌‌o him‌‌\** brin‌‌g m‌‌e th‌‌e on‌‌e m‌‌y wif‌‌e made.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke.....

But decided to abort it.


Keep it going!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a baby boy born without eyelids ...

To remedy his everlasting stare, when it came time to purge the foreskin, it was fashioned into a new set of eyelids. I guess that's what it means to be cockeyed.

Omg we are having a baby boy!

Edit: THIS BLEW UP!

Edit 2: this post is on FIRE! Thanks!

A baby clown fell down and broke a bone.

The doctor told the baby clown’s father that they broke the bone in between their shoulder and elbow.

The man laughs.

“Why would you laugh!?”

“Its humerus.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting in his living room when he hears: baby baby baby ohh yeah coming from his sons room.

He yells " is that Justin Bieber?!" The son yells back "No dad, its just porn!" The dad thanks God.

A dad and mom bring home a baby boy.

The dad is so excited, practically jumping up and down in joy to start popping dad jokes left and right. "honey calm down. You have to wait till he's at least 5 to start telling them to him" the mom says, to which the dad replys, "then I will wait."

On the sons fifth birthday the dad walks up...

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How many dead baby's does it take to change a light bulb?

Not 53 because my basement is still dark

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

What did the baby corn ask the mama corn?

Where's pop corn?

Why did Clark Kent never have a babysitter?

Because he had super vision.

My wife asked me to get some baby oil.

Does anyone know how to extract it?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...

Urinate.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

What's the difference between a baby and a soda?

No one has the urge to shake a soda.

Hey baby do you have the Corona virus?

Because I can’t stop looking achoo

What did the new born baby say to the police officer?

I just did 9 months on the inside.

Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby"

Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stalking a baby?

Apparently his doctor told him he needed to watch what he eats.

The Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped tell...

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