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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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I slept like a baby last night

I slept like a baby last night.

I woke up every hour wishing I had a boob in my mouth.

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Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s m...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton would never drop a bag of cocaine.

A Chinese baby was born way too early..

So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

A lot of people don't laugh at my dead baby jokes.

And that's fine. I guess you had to be there.

What’s worse than a dead baby in a trashcan?

A dead baby in two trashcans!

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

Elton John found a baby rabbit at the gym the other day.

It's a little fit bunny...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Three babies

So there's three babies in the womb. At some point Baby 1 asks a question


Baby 1: So what are you guys going to do when you get out of here? I'm going to be a plumber to fix the plumbing of this place because there's water everywhere!


Baby 2: Well I will become an electrici...

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

What did the baby say to the mama?

“I don’t always drink milk, but when I do, I prefer Dos Tetas.”

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

What did the mama Llama say to the baby llama as they prepared for a picnic?

Alpaca lunch

How do you stop a baby from spinning on the ground?

You nail his other hand to the ground.

I recently had the opportunity to eat baby wookie

The taste was great, but the meat was a little chewy

The stork is the bird that brings the baby,

But a Swallow's the one to prevent it!

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A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

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You know what a baby is?

It is just a fully baked cream pie

I saw a baby owl caught in the rain.

It was a moist owlet.

A baby key is watching his dad unlock a door…

One key see, one key do.





Please improve on this, I just came up with it.

Me and my soft-spoken wife are trying to have a baby.

After the first try, she was so eager, she asked if we could do it again.


“Come again?” I said.

Having a baby

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby. For instance: my name, my address. telephone number.

A 3 year old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

How do you know if a baby is Italian?

Only feeds on hairy nipples

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

A White Missionary in an African Tribe

A white missionary was visiting an African tribe. After a year of sharing the same village, the chieftain's wife gave birth...to a white baby.

The chieftain was enraged and called for the preacher's death. The missionary attempted to calm the chief, asking him to take a walk with him through ...

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of ...

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the crap out of me!"

The passeng...

What do you call a baby conceived in space?

An astronut

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

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When I drink I sleep like a baby

I puke, shit myself, and cry.

What’s the best part of a dead baby joke?

They never get old

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

What's worse than nailing 100 babies to a tree?

Nailing one baby to 100 trees.

(Note: IDK where I got this one, someone told me it, thought I would share)

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"

The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

Why do baby calzones always look so weird?

Because they're in bread.

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The driver can't hold himself and says: "Oh my goodness, what an ugly baby"

The woman walks to the back of the bus angrily, thinking about what the driver said. She finds an empty seat next to a man and sits there. The man asks: "Excuse me madam, what happened back there, would you mind telli...

My daughter was born this morning, July 4th.

It’s the day I lost my independence.



(This is also true, she was born around 2:30 this morning and baby and mama are doing well).

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A woman just gave birth to a baby boy. Unfortunately....

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." ...

A pair of blackbirds make baby blackbirds and bluebirds make baby bluebirds.. which ones make no babies at all?

Swallows

What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?

A zapling.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Ethiopian all sit in the hospital lobby as their wives are giving birth.

After a while the doctor comes out, invites them into the nursery where 3 babies lie in cribs and says: "Congratulation! You all just became fathers! But there is one problem. Due to a nurse's error the babies got mixed up and we don't really know which one who's."

The Englishman suddenly gra...

What do a ring, a baby, and a threesome have in common?

None of them are going to save your relationship.

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

How many dead baby’s does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends on how good you are at stacking them.

Mr and Mrs Wong have a baby

When the baby is born, Mr Wong immediately knows that Mrs Wong has cheated on him...
Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

Observing the baby one night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.

Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around he...

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I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

Gordon Ramsey hates reposts on r/aww. One day he sees someone reposting a baby sheep

He yells in the comments, "WHERE'S THE LAMB SOURCE!?"

Dont see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.

If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too though.

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Why planes don't have babies?

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '

The mother (who could...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

Ooops didn't read the rules. But it's a short one. Been awhile since the seal hunters got a lot of publicity though.

My friend once dared me to adopt a baby cow, so I did, and now I have a barn full of them.

I guess that's what you'd call raising the steaks.

What does a baby frog sleep in?

A cribbet. (My 6 yr old told me that one)

The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"

Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

An Alabama couple with 9 children went to see the doctor about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor started the procedure and making small talk, asks them "Why, after having 9 children have you decided not to have any more?".

The husband replied, "We just read an article that said 1 in 10 American children born in the United States is Mexican".

The wife continued, "We didn...

I’m worried that our baby is going to be delivered breech...

...the midwife says we should get a heads up if that is happening.

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

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What do data and baby shit have in common?

They are both removed with a wipe!

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

I want it my way

I told my wife she can only get an iPhone, but if she isn't going to get one then I'm just getting her a cheap Android phone. She tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't have it.

I said, "Baby... it's my way or the Huawei."

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

Once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki...

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

I told my pregnant wife that everything is going to change after this baby is born.

Like my name, address, phone number.

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

I was asked to help deliver a baby

But will it be able to survive without a liver?

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

As a doctor, I would never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But I could give it a shot.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby.

Turns out they don't mean the lizard.

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What the tooth fairy looks like

This came from the book “chicken soup for the dental soul” my dentist had it in the waiting room.

I’m quoting from memory.

A 5 year old girl just lost a baby tooth and the dentist was explaining to her that if she put her tooth under the pillow at night that the tooth fairy would come ...

Did you hear a baby goat robbed a bank last week?

The news has dubbed him "Billy the Kid."

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

What do you feed a baby parabola?

Quadratic Formula

I'm taking baby steps towards being a vegetarian

But only when I'm not eating

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