A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't beca...

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no! Not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

What do you call it when you put a baby in a freezer?

**Chilled abuse**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?

ICU baby, shakin' that ass!

Why didn't Barbie have a baby?

Because Ken came in a different box.

Why Was The Baby Ant Confused?

Because all of its uncles were ants!

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

Baby head

A man and his wife have their first baby, and it’s a boy. However, the baby is just the head. Perfectly healthy, but only a head nonetheless.

The man raises his child as normally as possible, and when the child turns 21, he takes him to a bar to celebrate.

He orders a beer for himsel...

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

What's the same with a bird and a baby?

They both die when you leave them in the washing machine

Why did the baby cross the road?

Because he was nailed to the Chicken.

(This used to be a family favorite back when my dad and I would tell jokes at the dinner table. My mom hated it, but we loved it. I'm sure it's been posted 500 times before, but I was feeling nostalgic)

There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse.

One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”

The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger mol...

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

We know them today as Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who were determined to have a Caucasian baby?

Obviously they couldn't because two Wongs don't make a white.

What did the new born baby say to it's father when he entered the room?

Thank you for coming

What's worse than finding 2 babies in a trash can?

Finding 1 baby in two trash cans.

How did the dead baby get across the road?

Stapled to the Chicken.

Why was the baby strawberry crying?

Her parents were in a jam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do a fat prostitute and a baby chicken have in common?

They both go "cheap"

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

What do you call it when a toy and an elf have a baby girl?

Lego Lass

I was so ugly as a baby

That when my mother breastfed me, she used to close her eyes and think of other babies.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A couple in North Dakota had a baby

Now their population is 7

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dirty dead baby jokes?

My dad told me some pretty bad ones, so I guess let's collectively get them out there

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Cadillac?

A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and my girlfriend?

A: I don'...

What did the momma bee say to the baby bee when he didn't collect enough pollen?

Bee better.

For sale: baby shoes, never worn

My wife is mad enough that I bought the chinchilla in the first place. She's going to freak out when she sees the accessories. I gotta get rid of them ASAP.

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

What's the difference between a baby and a sandwich?

My sandwich doesn’t cry when I bite it.

What's the difference between a fridge and a baby?

The fridge doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

A highly suspicious couple are trying to have a baby

When the woman finally falls pregnant, they visit the doctor for some check ups. While there, the man asks the doctor how he can be sure that he’s the father.
“We can do a DNA test.” The doctor replies.

“And how do I know I’m the mother?” The pregnant woman asks.

“We can do an IQ te...

How many babys does it take to paint a wall?

Well it depends on how hard you throw them

The world’s best female and male thieves got married. When their first child was born, they saw and surprised that the newborn baby was holding something. They finally managed to open the baby’s hand and shocked more

The midwife’s ring

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How long does it take for a baby to explode in a microwave?

I do not know, I close my eyes when I masturbate

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby...

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus...

What do you charge a baby with when they refuse to take a nap?

Resisting arrest

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

What is a baby pepper's favorite temperature?

Just a little chili.

I'm worried my wife is going to make our baby too materialistic.

Every time she tickles the baby, she says "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A baby polar bear asked his dad.

Am I pure polar bear?” The dad replies, “Sure you are. You are all polar bear, your parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear.” Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom, am I pure polar bear?” She answers, “Of course you are hon...

Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One’s fun to hit with a sledgehammer and the other is a tasty snack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby boy born with no ears

Johnny's mom warns "Now listen Johnny, we are visiting the neighbours but you must not mention the baby's ears". After 10 minutes of staring at the new baby in his crib, Johnny says "Is his eyesight ok?" The baby's mother says "It's perfect" Johnny replied "Just as well, he'd be fucked if needed gla...

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my friends who had his sex changed recently adopted a baby and talks really openly about his feelings towards the whole thing.

I guess he is really transparent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."

A programmer's wife is having a baby.

The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

HOLDING A BABY

This woman wouldn't let me hold her baby the other day because she said I was too drunk. First of all, don't bring your baby into the bar. And second of all, if I'm drinking malt liquor on a playground, I call that a bar.

As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager....

It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

What's the difference between a watermelon and a babys head?

One's fun to smash with a hammer and the other one tastes good

If a stork brings a white baby, and a crow brings a black baby; what brings no baby?

a swallow

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?

I don’t know! Go ask your fucking mother!

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

A husband and wife are trying to have a baby

After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."

The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."

Th...

A 13 month old baby breaks a mirror, giving it 7 years of bad luck.

The good news, his mom is an anti-vaxxer.

Where do baby Pokemon come from?

Pokeballs

My wife said she'd like to have another baby...

I agreed. The one we have is really starting to annoy me.

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"

Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Baby whale asks dad where does he come from...

Dad replies, “from my penis, son”

Baby whale: “thanks dad”

Dad: “you’re whalecum”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always sleep like a baby

Because I wake up in the middle of the night with tears running down my cheeks for literally no fucking reason.

My poor baby!

A women gives birth and the baby is quickly rushed out of the room. The doctor soon comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but there was a complication. It may be better if you come see for yourself."
The doctor walks the new mother to the NICU. They stop at a bed and there is a baby with no arms and no ...

A baby cow walks up to a mom cow and says

"Mommy,why is my name rose",the mom says "because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head".a 2nd cow asks "why is my name lily?" the mom says "because a Lilly fell on your head when you were born".a third cow comes over and says "dur glu fo dur.".the mom then says "shut up cinder block!"

What does Chris Hansen call a baby jaguar?

A child predator

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never trust a baby with a full diaper

They're full of shit

What do you call a wet baby owl?

A moist owlet

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

Ice, Ice baby!

In the 90s it was a corny rap song
Now it's 3 people at a detention center

I found this little baby eagle on the ground and it looked like it was sick.

I thought about taking it to the vet, but I didn't pick it up because it's ill eagle.

A mother enters the bus carrying her baby.

Upon seeing the little infant, the driver exclaims: "Eww, what a disgustingly ugly baby!"

Furious, the mother storms to the back of the bus, sitting down next to a gentleman.

She complains to him: "That bus driver just called my baby ugly! What a rude ass!"

The gentleman retorts...

Did you hear about the baby who died ...

from drinking a bottle of glue?


He was a little stiff.

A woman brings her baby to the pediatrician who says "wow...your baby is beautiful". She tells him thanks and that he must say that to all moms who bring in their babies. He says to her "oh no I don't"..........

......she asks, what do you do if the baby is ugly? He says "I look at the baby and then I look at the mom and I say your baby looks just like you."

The german baby

A couple adopts a german baby, and eagerly wait for its first words. The baby turns one,...then two...and three...and nothing, the parents begin to worry, and have him examined by a doctor, but the doctor can find nothing wrong...another year goes by, and still nothing.

One day, when he's fo...

What do you call a baby pig?

A bacon seed.

What part of the fridge do you keep the gene edited baby in?

The CRISPR