A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies.

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had a baby."
The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"
The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"
The...

What's the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far

Well, the catapult's fantastic!

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Hey baby, are you the coronavirus?

Cause I wanna stay in bed with you for 2 weeks.

Why was the Anti-vaxx baby crying?

It had a midlife crisis

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato.

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I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

A blonde couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the ...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

Wanna hear a dead baby joke I just made up?

Sorry, there are problems with the delivery.

I love Ice Age Baby

And 100 Other Funny Jokes You Can Tell Yourself! Volume 7

A GAP store in London opened a Baby GAP right next to it.

As I walked past I saw a generation gap.

Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

Me: When is the baby due?

Pregnant librarian: Oh, this is mine. I get to keep it.

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

My teacher told us she was going to have a baby, but now she cries when we say her name.

I don't know what's wrong with Ms. Carriage.

Baby balloon couldn't sleep

He had a bad dream so went to his parents room to sleep in their bed.
Papa balloon was so big that baby balloon couldn't fit in the bed.
He undid Papas' balloon knot and let some air out to make him smaller but he still couldn't fit in the bed.
He then undid Mamas' balloon knot to let some...

A woman gives birth in the hospital to a beautiful baby boy. “I’d like to name him Jack”, she says to the Nurse.

“I’m sorry,” said the Nurse “but that name is already taken. How about Jack573 or Jack_142?”

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

What's worse than 3 babies in one garbage can?

Answer: One baby in 3 garbage cans.

The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.

"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".

What’s the difference between a watermelon and a baby’s head?

I don’t know! I’m asking you!

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What happens when a husband and wife both want a baby?

They cum to an agreement.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.



The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explain...

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I find it really funny when a couple says they're trying really hard for a baby

Like no shit, you can't try soft....

There's a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.

Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

I was gonna have a baby at the hospital downtown but the week I was due, all the nurses quit their job and bought Corvettes.

I guess they were having a midwife crisis.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?

Infant tree

Doctor: I'm going to deliver the baby

Couple: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

What’s the difference between a speed bump and Ice Age Baby?

You slow down before running over the speed bump.

Why did the baby go to jail?

Because he was resisting a rest.

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How many baby's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I dont know, my basement is too dark.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

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Why did everyone love the prostitute’s baby?

It was Ho-made

Why could the ghost have a baby?

Because he had a halloweener.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

What did the mama buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he went to college?

Bison.

Hey baby are you a winter storm

Because 1 to 3 inches is in your forecast.

Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?

He was a little chili.

What did mammy corn say to baby corn when daddy didn't come home?????

Wheres popcorn.

Sorry for the corny joke.

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I'm sorry I asked if you fucked Gollum when you showed me your baby

but, in my defense, you said he looks just like his daddy.

Me and my girlfriend are trying for a baby and her mum's helping out.

She's just helping until i get hard.

I was going to tell a joke about my baby

But then I decided to abort

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

So a baby seal walks into a club...

So a baby seal walks into a club.

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.

Then the father looked. “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

Hey baby, are you a library book?

Because the authorities are telling me to return you.

A baby seal walks into a bar....

Says I'll have a whiskey.

Bartender says what kind?

Baby seal says anything other than a Canadian Club.

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Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

Gotta Rep the Brands Baby

A pro basketball player walks into a bar. He eventually strikes up a conversation with a woman who is drinking all by herself.

After a couple hours they end up going back to her place for a little alone time.

As he takes off his shirt, she notices a Nike tattoo on his chest. When she a...

What was baby Yoda's first word

His second word

What do you call a sleeping pill for a baby deer?

Bambien.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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An old man and his wife want to have a baby...

So they go to the fertility doctor. The doctor tells them to collect a semen sample, and gives them a little jar for the specimen.

A few days later, the exasperated couples return to the fertility clinic.

The doctor notices that the jar is empty, and asks why they didn’t collect the ...

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

I hate when people pet baby goats

You’re literally touching kids, perverts!

Whats a group of baby cows called?

Calvary

Have you ever tried baby wookie meat?

It's a little chewy

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so disappointed in baby boomers...

My cum sock developed a better culture than them.

My baby gets really furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mom.

What do you call a baby born out of incest?

...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Why doesn't the baby Yoda talk in the Mandelorian?

He's got a frog in his throat.

Damn baby, are your clothes made out of gold, titanium, sulfur and carbon?

Because you look AU TI S TI C

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what's the difference between a baby and a prostitute?

Wait, what? You ... you don't know???? You sick fuck ...

Dad, will you be coming to the baby shower?

"I'd prefer a full-size shower, thanks"

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

A teenage girl gives birth to twins and puts them up for adoption...

She never hears from them again except for the news that one baby was adopted by a Mexican couple, and the other was adopted by a couple from the Middle East.

Years later she hires a private investigator to track down her two adopted children, just so she can find out how their lives have bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby was born without eyelids.

They used his foreskin to replace his eyelids.



He has been cockeyed ever since.

Baby seal walks into a club.

Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

As a doctor, I would never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

My wife and I got divorced because of our unathletic baby.

It didn't work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

What did Momma Tomato say to Baby Tomato?

Why won't you ketchup?

I think I thought of this joke when my mom was walking too fast for me.

You may know that baby owls are called "owlets", but did you know where they come from?

The owlet mall.

The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

What did the baby corn ask the mother corn ?

He asked: "Where's pop corn ?"

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.

His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.

She was also mocked and bullied at school.

One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and scre...

What does a baby pirate wear?

A diap-arrrrrrrr.

*Courtesy of my 4year old*

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

A couple have just had a baby

They go to the doctor to have the baby checked up.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Dad: what's the good news please.

Doctor: your son can park wherever he wants.

“Why is that baby still in diapers?”

I’ll give you two reasons:

Number 1, and number 2.

Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and I can't afford to pay you.

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