This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

Dad, why did you name the new baby Teresa?

Well son, Teresa is an anagram. If you rearrange the letters, it spells “Easter”.

-Oh, so you named her that on account of how much you and mom love Easter.

Yes, that’s right, Alan.

-Thanks, Dad!

I saw a crying baby in a hot car today, I grabbed a rock and threw it at the window.....

Little did I know the window was rolled down... at least it stopped crying

How did baby Yoda grow to be so old?

Because he was vaccinated

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

My baby just ate a bunch of scrabble tiles.

The next diaper change could spell disaster.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke

But then I decided to abort

Hey baby, are you a parking ticket?

Because I picked you up on the street and I can't afford to pay you.

I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.

Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

I tried to train 8 baby cows to drink coffee.

But only one calf in eight did.

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Why are dead baby jokes so funny?

Because they never get old.

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

Doctor : (Hands me my newborn baby) So sorry but your wife didn't make it...

Me : (Hands the baby back) Well bring me the one she made then

Whenever someone talks about taking baby steps

I like to imagine them walking up a staircase made of babies.

@ErikJMoyer

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

What did the mother cow say to her baby cow?

Its pasture bedtime.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does baby Yoda poop when constipated?

He forces it out.

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A woman gives birth to a baby.

The doctor starts body slamming it ,throwing it against walls, stomping on it, etc.
The woman woman gave the doctor a terrified look.
The doctor says, "I'm just fuckin with you. It came out dead."

A mother has two babies, and she breastfeed them everyday

During breastfeeding, each baby would suckle on one of her nipples.

One day, one of the baby came up with a scheme to murder his brother, thinking that he would get more milk to himself that way. So, he secretly applied poison to the his brother's "nipple".

Little did he know, his br...

A woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy...

The baby asked the doctor, "Are you my father?"

"No." Replies the doctor.

The baby asks another doctor, "Are you my father?"

"Sure ain't." Replies the second doctor.

The baby asks his older brother, "Are you my father?"

"Not at all." Replies the brother.

Fin...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

Papa, Mama, and baby mole are in their hole relaxing.

Suddenly Papa mole says “I smell honey” so he sticks his head out of the
hole to look around.

Then Mama mole says “I smell maple syrup” so she sticks her head out
of the hole to look around.

Baby mole is too small to see out the hole so he says “All I smell is
molasses”.

Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants

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I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby.

I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle.

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a baby?

a bowling ball doesn’t scream when its rolled down the aisle

A friend asked me if she should have a baby after 40.

I said no, 40 babies are enough.

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I didn't know that I have baby cannibals in my basement.

Until I stopped feeding them.

There's one thing common between Politicians and baby diapers...

You have to regularly change them... For the same reason.

What’s the difference between a live and dead baby

The fun you have kicking them

Did you hear about the recent cosmetics experiments on baby kittens?

Those turned out to be a big

Cat astrophe

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Did you hear about that baby that was born without one of his eye-lids? they used part of his foreskin to replace it.

He’ll be alright, just a little cock-eyed.

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A young woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Unfortunately he was born without eyelids.

The doctor called a plastic surgeon who was able to take the boys foreskin and make them into eyelids. Baby is going to be fine just going to be a little cockeyed.

How many baby boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just hire someone to do it and complain how back then a bulb used to cost a nickel

A Chinese baby was born a month in advance

So his parents named him Er Lee

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

What’s worse than five babies in a dumpster?

One baby in five dumpsters.

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There are 4 cows. 1 mom, 3 babies.

The first baby walks up to her and says, “ Mommy, why am I called Rose?” Mama says, “ Its because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.” The second baby walks up and says, “Mommy, why is my name Lily?” Mama says, “ That is because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head.” Th...

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A mama cow had three baby calves.

Her first calf, named Sunlight, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Sunlight?"

Her mom replied, "When you were born, a ray of sunlight landed on your head."

Her second calf, named Butterfly, came up to her and asked, "Mama, why did you name me Butterfly?"

Her mo...

arnold schwarzenegger was asked to update his laptop to windows 10 but he said...

...I still love vista baby.

I've never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby before...

but let me give it a shot.

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

If a baby refuses to go to sleep,

is he resisting arrest?

What did the baby Egyptian say when he got lost?

.

.

.

..

.

.

I want my mummy.

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

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The baby without ears.

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the ba...

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

Anti-vaxxers has baby

That sh*t going viral

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby

When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Why was the baby cookie sad?

Because his mom was a wafer so long

My sister just had a baby to try and 'save the relationship'

But I still don't talk to her.

What do you call a group of baby garbage bins?

A litter...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

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A man and his wife have a baby.

As soon as they are leaving the hospital the baby poops and the wife tells her husband to change him.

A year passes and the woman keeps noticing how the baby looks less and less like them so she does a DNA test.

The test comes back and the woman runs to her husband screaming that the b...

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

Mrs. Goat : Honey, we're going to have a baby!

Mr. Goat : You're kidding.

What's worse than punching a baby?

Punching a dead baby

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

Baby you can call me King Arthur

Because you came a lot.

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Looking at their new baby, the mother said, “Those tiny arms, he’ll never be a boxer. Those tiny legs, he’ll never be a runner.”

The father said, “He’ll never be a porn star either.”

What did baby corn say to mama corn?

Where is pop corn?

I’m doubting if the baby is mine

My bf had an affair with another girl a few months ago & yet today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant now. How the heck can I tell if the baby is really mine?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

I found a baby locked in a hot car at a Texas grocery store so I tried to throw a rock through the window.

Turns out, the window was down.

I ruined that baby's whole week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

A couple is having a baby soon.

The husband says, "Let's name him Pete!", after hearing the results show that it's a boy.

But the wife says, "Honey, I'm having twins."

"Well then the second one is called RePete."

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

I thought my vasectomy would stop my wife from getting babies

Apparently, it just changes the color of the baby.

What do you call it when a couple think that smoking while pregnant doesn’t harm the baby?

A mis-conception

A baby was upset because a lizard that spoke of theoretical physics wouldn't climb the crib.

The mother began to comfort the baby.

"Mama's gonna buy you a Hawking bird."

What do you call a Swedish baby with no heartbeat?

Still Bjorn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor told me I have a baby dick...

Then he asked where the rest of the baby was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend’s wife is having a baby. So I asked him, “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

He thought about it and said “I just wanted a blowjob.”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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