UPJOKE
childinfanttoddlernewbornfetusbreastfeedingoffspringbabekidmotheryoungimmaturehumanjuvenilelatin

Do you know how much a baby chicken costs?

Neither do I, but I know they cheap cheap cheap.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is with his wife and she is having their first baby.

She gets this really strong contraction, prods him in the chest and screams at him" This is your fault, you know this "He says "Bullshit, if you remember correctly I wanted to put it in your ass. You said it was going to be too painful, well look at you now.. "

Ugly Baby & the Bus Driver

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. While trying to pay for the bus fare, the bus driver made a comment about how ugly the baby was. Mad about the comment the bus driver made, the lady was huffing and puffing and was clearly upset when she sat down.


"What's wrong?", said the man next t...

What’s worse than 3 babies in 1 garbage can?

1 baby in 3 garbage cans!

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

I calculated the solution for the baby formula problem, but I got it upside-down.

58008.

A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...

When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go co...

Why do you put diapers on a baby?

To tie up loose ends

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hello Baby!!

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning in the fathers room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well I can...

Dead baby jokes are terrible

If you’re gonna tell one, just abort it.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased,,,

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3 AM screaming and covered in my own urine.

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

Got a vasectomy years ago

But all it did was the change the color of the baby

Why Was the Anti-Vaxxer’s Baby Crying?

It Was Having a Mid-Life Crisis.

A computer programmer is back from paternity leave after his wife has a baby. When he shows up, a coworker says to him "Welcome back! Was it a boy or a girl?"

To which he replies, "yes".

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Making Babies

A couple went to the hospital for their baby delivery. The wife was very sickly and fragile. The deliver had to be a Caesarean section. The husband was pacing the hallways while the wife was in surgery. The nurse finally came out of the delivery room with a little package wrapped in a blue blank...

A nervous young woman was sitting on dentist chair " I'd rather deliver a baby than having my teeth pulled out "

Dentist " if that's the case , let me just adjust the chair to a better position"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I have a baby...

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what friend just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. ...

What does a baby computer call his father?

Data.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?

"Where's Popcorn?"

A mother was having a baby and the father was out of the room eating food. A nurse ran up to the father and told him “the doctor is ready to deliver your baby”…

The father looked at the nurse with a scared face and said “I’d rather my baby be born with a liver.”

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

Dead baby jokes are really distasteful NSFL

Especially considering how many babies you have to kill before it stops being funny.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1) How to tell this to my wife

2) Where to find a 1 year old baby

It was a baby mosquito's first day to fly out from home.

When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, "How was your journey?"


The baby mosquito replied, "It went great, everyone was clapping for me!"

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man bl...

Cristiano Ronaldo has a baby.

Cristiano Ronaldo has his first parenting lesson with his new son. "Right," says the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?" "Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f**king floor," replies the baby.

A chinese baby was born before due date

His parents named him Earl Lee

baby you are like a full moon on a cloudless night

you should be able to kill vampires but you don't i just can't understand why

Who baptizes a baby fish?

Holy Mackerel

One time I saw my baby brother SCREAMING at his Easter candy.

I was like what’s going on? And he says,

“I’m giving shout-outs to my Peeps!”

I was with my mom at the store and I picked up a packet of baby spinach and rockets.

I turn to her and say "Hey, Ma, you ever wonder why they're called rockets?"

She looks at me and says "Why?"

And then I say, "Because they grow in *shoots*!"

Why have Barbie and Ken never had a baby?

Because Ken comes in a different box.

A man was driving his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver their baby. The car got stuck in the mud.

He said, “I guess one of us is gonna need to push”

Someone Named Their Baby Ocean

No, it's not that deep

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18...

A soldier asked his CO for compassionate leave saying his wife was going to have a baby.

When the soldier returned from leave, his CO asked him, "Well, was it a boy or a girl?"

"Sir!", the soldier replied. "It takes months!"

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice n...

What do you call a baby who just got his diaper changed inside an airport?

Duty Free

What's the difference between a kilo of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton would never let a kilo of coke fall out of a window.

Did you see in the news , about the woman whom had the wooden baby?

The carpenter nailed her!

My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do we do with this baby?

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head...

I slept like a baby last night

I woke up every couple hours and cried about my life

What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?

A bananny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

How do you make a dead baby float?

Two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby

The gym just sold me a lifetime membership for my unborn baby.

I hope it works out.

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.


Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad als...

My friend just had a baby and named him Miles. I told him I'm going to call him kilometer for short.

True story.
Actually he said he was going to call him half mile. Idk who won.

Today is baby shark day!

Because today is, baby shark 2-22-22.

“For sale. Baby Shoes. Never Worn.”

—Any Reputable Baby Shoe Salesman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...

'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'

Dad Joke: How does the boulder put his baby to sleep?

He rocks it

A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed

He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em

Next morning, his friend went down to the jail

He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"

He said, "It could have been worse"

He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"

He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the elect...

Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a deep coma...

She awakens from her coma in the hospital around a year later. She quickly asks the doctor "how is my baby?" The doctor said "you had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are in the care of your brother who also named the pair." The mother says "what? No, not my brother. He's an idiot." "What did he na...

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..

In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."

I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...!!

The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had!!

A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid.

Papa Roach said, “Suffocation, no breathing.”

A mother and her 2 daughters are at a cemetery

One of the kids is curious and asks her mom “Mommy, why am I named Rose?”

Their mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your head.”

Her second daughter asks “Mommy, why am I named Daisy?”

Her mom replies “Because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer...

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer.

Lady next to him - What a coincidence, I also ordered the Kingfisher.
Man - I'm celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?
Lady - My husband & I have been trying 4 yrs for a baby. Tod...

Russian, Ukrainian and Ethiopian babies got mixed up at birth.

The doctors invited their fathers so they could try to figure out which baby belongs to whom. Ukrainian father without any hesitation just takes an Ethiopian child and is about to leave the room.

"You idiot! Can't you see, this is obviously not your child!" - shouts Russian father

"Wh...

Baby Seals are some of the best animals to party with!

Until we made the unfortunate decision to go clubbing...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was in the city one day

On the way home, he rang his son to make sure he had all the groceries they needed at home. He told him all they needed was some coffee, so Arnold went in to his local store to get some.

On the way to the checkout tills, he passed all the Easter eggs the store had, and it brought back memorie...

What do you call it when a cannibal throws a baby?

A food fight!

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speaking of foreskins.....

A baby boy was born back in 2015 with a rare condition called Ablepharon-macrostomia syndrome that left him without eyelids.  This happened in my small resort town in upstate NY, it turned that there was a world-renowned plastic surgeon in town and he performed a surgery to correct the condition. Du...

A baby seal walks into a bar.

Bar keep asks, "what do you want?"

The baby seal replies, "anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."

A man went to a strip club

When he got inside he noticed an empty seat in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’ The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother in law said

to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photocopier."

What is the hardest way to lose 6-14 pounds?

Having a baby!

Happy Mother's Day!

A robber enters a sperm bank..

-Give me all the vaults money right now! Says to the cashier
-Sir this is a sperm bank! In the "vault" we only have sperm says the woman in agony
- Go to the vault, get three bottles of sperm and start drinking them!!!
The woman fearing for her life drinks very reluctantly the two bottles<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

What do you call a baby deer with no parents?

An orfawn.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife holding a crying baby in one arm screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house looks like a garbage can, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my night clothes, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home? The hus...

Someone asked me to help deliver a baby, but...

Don't babies need their livers?

Every day I go down to the Harbor and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.