This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

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thr is a son of a bitch who brok into my hous but didn't rob anything from m

xcpt 1 solitary lttr on my goddamn kyboard

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

From my 7 year old son: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy...

... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day ...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns hoem and he's now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens,thinks for a moment and says,‟That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a...

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”


Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”


Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”


Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

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Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.’”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you ...

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

A son asks his dad

Son: Dad am I adopted
Dad: Of Couse Not, why would I even choose you

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My 7yo son just came up with this.

What is a difference between pokemon and the White house?

In pokemon you catch turtwig, but in White house you have a turd wig.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, “yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”.

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232”.

Afte...

A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with

What do only T-Rexes have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
T-Rex babies

A son asks what his father's favorite day is...

the father says, "April 19."

the son says, "Dad, my birthday is April **20"**

My ex wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

From my son: "knock knock"

"who's there"

"owls say"

"owls say who"

*meniacal smile*

What do you never tell your diabetic son?

Sweet dreams.

My best friend told me he was planning on naming his son "Square Root of 2".

Luckily his wife managed to convince him that would be completely irrational.

Son: My teacher says, "Father is the pillar of the family". Then what's mom?

Dad: She makes the pillar stiff, strong, and worthwhile to raise a family.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

My son told me he wanted to be an archeologist

So I handed him the cat scoop and told him to find treasure in the cat box

My 8 year old son's [OC] - "How do cannibals make popcorn?"

They just feed their dinner a bunch of popcorn kernels before cooking them.

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

My son wrote a short fairy tale about a prince who became a princess

He named it Once Upon a Wiener

(True story)

Son: Mom can I have a cookie?

Dad: Son, you're Australian, call your mother by the appropriate name.

Son: Ok Dad. Hey Wow! Can I have a cookie?

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

Mother asks her son why he stays single.

A mother asks her son, why he never marries, and tries to stay single. “You see, mom, it’s because I’ve never seen a couple that looks as happy as I am when they’re together.” Says the son. Then, mother smiling, replies “It’s alright. You can marry and still be happy as long as you don’t make childr...

My son became a priest

Do I call him son or father ?

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

I'm going to name my unborn son "Newton"

He's going to be an absolute unit!

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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,

but he's still making fun of me.

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

Son: why was my sister named Teresa?

Dad: because it's an anagram of Easter and your mom loves Easter
Son: thanks dad
Dad: no problem, Alan

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,

wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

I was washing my truck with my son this morning.

He said to me:

“Dad?”

“Can’t you just use a sponge?”

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other."

As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I washed the car with my 5 year old son today.

When we finished, he said, “Next time dad, can you use a sponge?”

Bless you son!!!

(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)

A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.

Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.

Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?

Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to ...

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In the car, a mother is trying to advise her son after practice: "Billy, if you want to be a running back, you've got to learn how to hold a ball!"

Billy: "I can't! Coach buys these footballs that are shiny and too slippery."

Mother: "You can't blame the coach. You need to take responsibility."

Billy: "Oh yeah? You try to hold one of those things. Pretty easy to be a backseat coach on the field."

Mother: "Bi...

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A father was very upset about his young son's betting habits, so went up to school to talk to the boy's teacher, who promised to have a word with him.

"Maybe if he lost heavily on a bet, it would cure him," she suggested. That night after school she asked the boy to stay behind and confronted him about the bad habits he was getting into.

"It's not only me, Miss," replied the boy. "You're a cheat; you pretend to be a natural blonde, but you'...

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

An old buck rabbit and his son go hopping down to the field to graze, and the father notices the does are ready for mating.

So he says to his son, "Son, it's time you learned how this is done," and he hops onto the nearest doe and gets on with business, and when he's done he hops off again and says "*Merci, madame*!" and says to his son, "And you always say 'thank you' like a gentleman. Now I'll start this end of the lin...

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.” The priest says “No you are not my son.” The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says

“Jesus Christ your back!”

Without telling my wife, I bought a gaming pc for my son as a birthday gift. Check out the specs: Intel Core i7 10700K, MSI MPG Z490 Gaming Carbon WiFi, Nvidia GeForce RTX 2080 Super, G.Skill TridentZ RGB 4x16 DDR4-4000, Samsung 970 Evo 1TB, Corsair RM850x, Cooler Master MasterLiquid ML240R RGB

He is turning one tomorrow.

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

My son decided to play electric music in his room late at night

That little daft punk

My son's pet frog broke his leg yesterday

He was very unhoppy...

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A mother and her son are stuck behind a garbage truck in traffic

Suddenly, a dildo flies out of the truck and hits the windshield.
To save her son‘s innocence, the mother goes: "Wow that was a huge bug!"
To which her son replies: "Damn, how is that bug flying with a cock that big!?"

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

Everything was OK, he was just having a mid-life crisis.

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance

Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant

The father Taco approaches the son Taco.........

Then the father Taco said to his son, "Son, there's something we need to Taco-bout".

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

When did the father from Alabama know his son was maturing?

One day his son just started coming into his own.

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Son: “Mom, dad, I’m gay”

Dad: *clenches fist
Mom: “Don’t”
Dad: “HI GAY, I’M DAD!”

Father: Son, i donated your toys to the Orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that?
Father : So you don't get bored there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son was watching TV when he asked me "Dad what does FO stand for"

I told him "Fuck off"

He got really mad at me and left for some reason...

Son: Hey dad, can I borrow ten dollars in Bitcoin?

Dad: Twenty dollars and thirteen cents? Why in God's name do you need to borrow nine dollars and sixty-seven cents?

A mother asks her Son, ”Tom, am I a bad mother?

The son replys, “My name is John”

A Father's Promise to his Three Sons

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. “I feel it’s my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.”...

My son was really upset.

I tried everything to cheer him up. I have him a Nintendo switch, an xbox, a PlayStation. But nothing worked. He was unconsolable.

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

My son came over to me and asked, "Dad, how do you spell 'diarrhoea'?"

I replied, "I don't know son, but Doesn't It Always Run Really Horribly Over Each Ankle?!"

My son was born without arms or legs...

For his 18th birthday I carried him to the pub and bought him his first pint.

After holding the glass to his lips and watching him gulp it down, I was amazed to see arms sprout out of his torso!

Shocked, the bartender poured another pint and handed it over to my son, who picked up the ...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

My Son: (kindergarten at the time) Dad, what’s a square with a triangle on top of it?

Me: A house?

Son: No. It’s your mom’s house.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

I asked my son when the ballots will be finally counted. His answer?

Neva, da.

I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas, he said, I’d like a bookmark.

I cried, nearly 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Barry.

We asked our son how old he was and he held up two fingers

Scared the hell out of us

because we didn’t know where he got em

A little son asks his father what a communism is...

...and the father starts explaining:

"Well, son, once upon a time there was this man named Lenin, except his real name was Uljanov. He had a friend named Stalin, except he wasn't his friend and his name was Dzugashvili. They started the October revolution, except it wasn't a revolution, it wa...

Father looks hard at his teenage son and says, “James, you’ve been adopted.”

James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just had to take my son's shitty diaper off.

I don't know why I tried it on in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad is teaching his 2 year old son to say "Papa"

Dad: Say Papa!


Baby: Mama!


Dad: Say Papa!


Baby: Mama!


Dad: Fuck-


Baby: FUCK!


Mom: WHO THAUGHT HIM THAT WORD?!


Baby: Papa!

Doctor, I’m worried about my son. He spends all day measuring imaginary bottles of orange soda.

Don’t worry ma’am, it’s normal for boys his age to spend their time fantasising.

A couple who had two beautiful daughters decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant and was
happy to deliver a baby boy.

The father raced to the hospital to see his new
son, but was horrified to find an incredibly ugly
baby.

He said to his wife, "I cannot possibly be the
Father of that hideous child. Look at the two
beauti...

My son screamed, "Daaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Son : Dad, how do I catch fish?

Dad : Just throw this clickbait into the water

Son : And then what?

Dad : What happens next will shock you

One thing my dad told me, "Son never explain yourself to anyone."

He never did tell me why.

My son just can't understand the gravity of a situation.

So i grounded him,
Maybe it will make him more down to earth.

Jenna was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour Sally sat nearby

Jenna asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"

Replied Sally, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

Today I met the man who made the globe in my son's classroom!

It's a small world.

What did Son Goku tell his wife after she got mad that he wanted to correct her all the time?

"I'm just saiyan..."

A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables

She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price

Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?

Seller: 8

Son: I will offer you 4

Seller: What about 6

Son: 3

Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4

Son: 2

Seller: 3

Son: 1.50<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

A father calls his son in prison and tells him he’s getting to old to dig his garden

A few days later 20 policemen turn up at his fathers house and proceed to dig up the whole garden.
The father calls his son in prison and tells him what happened.
His son says “that’s ok dad I told one of the wardens I hid the stolen jewels in your garden “

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals.

I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom grounds her son for a month and tells the dad

Dad: what did he do for you to ground him for so long
Mom: he called me a bitch
Dad: that son of a bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"

"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"



***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

Mommy mosquito to baby mosquito after his first flight "How did it go son?"

Baby mosquito "it was great mom, everyone was clapping!"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"

"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...”

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the m...

A young son and his dad were talking about marriage.

The boy said, "When I grow up, I'm going to marry Grandma." The father replied, "You can't marry her, she's my mother.
The boy replied, "So? You married mine."

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said “I fucked your mom”

To which the son replied “I have been deeper inside her than you’ll ever be”

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

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Many years ago a Native American and his son were talking about the things of life.

After a pause in the conversation, the son asks, “Father, how did you come up with the names for me and my siblings?”

He replies, “As soon as each of you were born, I went out from the teepee and the first thing I saw is what I named you each. For example, after your brother was born, I looke...

What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast?

“Get whale soon"

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My son is faster than himself.

He shits his pants before he could even remove them.

A man is on his deathbed with his son next to him

He strains his muscles to get up and place a hand on his son's shoulder. He clears his throat and looks his son straight in the eyes.

"Tag you're it" He says

Then he dies

yesterday, my son broke 40% of a glass

ass

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A mom was driving behind a garbage truck, a dildo fell out the back, bounced off the road and hit the windshield. Trying to protect her son's innocence she said, that was a big bug!

Her son replied, it's amazing it could fly with such a huge cock.

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A father has a suspicion that his son might be gay

Before I tell the joke I don't mean to offend anyone and if anyone finds it offensive I'll remove it right away

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A father one day catches his son listening to liza minnelli and he says "son, you know typically homosexual men listen to liza minnelli. Son, are you a homosexu...

If you're having eye spasms, I feel bad for you son

I got 99 problems but a twitch ain't one

Mama Toyota asked her son what he wanted for lunch

Son replies "a Taco,ma."

A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says..

"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....

Son: I want to grow up to be a left wing activist.

Dad: you can't do both.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

Son: “Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!”

Dad: “Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed”

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