Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to ...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

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They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors...

So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

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My son got kicked out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.....

I told him, "*Son that's 3 schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you*".

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought ...

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...

In one ear, out the other.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

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A father once told his son, "Excessive masturbation will lead to blindness."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

The son speaks to his dad

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

My son’s math teacher called him average...

I just think he’s mean.

My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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If my son ever turned out to be gay...

I definitely wouldn't turn my back on him

My son told me he wanted to be an oyster shucker when he grew up.

I was displeased with his shellfish ambition.

Son asked his dad “Dad, what is an alcoholic?”

Dad replied “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.”

“Dad, I only see two trees”

Dad: *washes car with his son*

Son: "You know, we could just use sponge."

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Four Men Went Golfing Together

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a fri...

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!"

My son was mad at me today, and said "I wish my dad was dead!" The sky went dark and there was a loud crack of thunder that freaked me out. But then nothing happened, so we went home.

My wife was home, and she was very upset. Her personal trainer had been killed by lightning.

What did the father tree say to his son when he was ready to move out?

Boy, don’t forget your roots.

A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.

The father yells, "What the hell?!"

The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

“Now son, I don’t want you to envy Emily, but...”

Nvm

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A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game

While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.

Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"

Dad replies "Can your dick reach your asshole?"

Timmy replies "no it cannot"

Dad says "then you can't have a beer"

After the game they go to dinner. Dad o...

My son asked me what it was like to be married

I deleted all the music off his iPhone except one song.

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

Husband: You know dear, our son got his brains from me.

Wife: I think he did, I still have mine with me!

Son, we have something to tell you.

You were adopted.

What?! I want to meet my biological parents!

We are your biological parents, now pack up, the new ones are coming in an hour.

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A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

A man and his son are driving past a graveyard.

Suddenly, the son leans forward and asks, "Do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

Surprised, the man said, "Of course not! Why ask such a question?"

His son replied, well I read a gravestone that read, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

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A father and son are having a heated argument

The son storms off and shouts, "Jim Morrison was a shitty lyricist!"

The father replies, "What did I tell you about slamming Doors in my house?"

My son: What's a seven letter word for ending yourself?

Me: Suicide.

My son: No. Suicide's never the answer.

Every time I enter our home my son gives me this fruit.

It is a door apple.

Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.


Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!


Mom: Exactly.

From my six year old son with CP

Why don't bear's wear shoes?



Because they have bear feet! (It's then followed up with uncontrollable laughter)

A man sees his neighbor's son digging a hole....

He asks the boy, "What are you digging the hole for?" The boy replies, "I am burying my goldfish." The man then says, "That hole seems big for a goldfish, no?" The boy answers, "Well your cat still had it in it's stomach."

Dad: Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit??

Son: Yeah I doodad

Son: “Dad am I adopted?”

Dad: “Not yet son, we haven’t found anyone who wants you yet.”

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson

Grandpa is dying & calls his grandson to his bed, "Billy, I leave for you my chrome-plated .38 revolver."

"But Grandpa, I don't like guns. How about you leave me your gold Rolex watch instead?"

"Billy, listen to your old man. Someday you have to run my business. Someday you're gonn...

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A father says to his son

Father: Son, if you don’t stop masturbating you’re gonna go blind!

Son: Dad I’m over here...

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name "Rose"?

Dad: Because son, your Mother loves roses


Son: Thanks Dad


Dad: No problem Costco hotdog

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I was watching Jurrasic Park and thought...

Not only does my son have a stupid ass name, but he's a terrible driver as well

Meanwhile playing Xbox for an hour with my son

He finally asked me, "why there are two controllers and only one car on the screen?"

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starte...

Whats the last thing your father says before killing you with a vacuum cleaner?

Dyson

How does a kings son listen to music?

Heirpods

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Son: Mom....Dad.....I'm gay

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: ....Clenches fists

Mom: ....Don't !

Dad: .....Sweats profusely

Mom: .....DON'T !!

Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD !

It’s normally a father’s greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

So i told my son

So i told my son that he could only have his skittles if he could brush his teeth he walked away sad. Then i remembered that my son has no arms

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

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One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

My son's kindergarten teacher is such a hardass, she failed him on his alphabet test even though he got 25/26.

He still doesn't know y.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put yo...

The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.

He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends

A woman visits her son at the uni he attends, he invites her into his dorm and introduces her to his roommate. The mother instantly suspects that they are dating. So she asks her son Mother: “are you guys dating?” Son: “no mom, she’s just my roommate, we even have separate beds” The mother was st...

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

A father and a son are walking together through the woods

It's starting to get dark out and the son says to his dad "Daddy I'm scared." The father says "Why are you scared? You don't have to walk back alone."

So proud of my son

I'm so proud of my son.
I gave him one of those watches with a step counter, and just from walking in his bedroom, 40,000 steps in 1 day!

I would just love to congratulate him as I will surely be getting him a reward for his perserverence.

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

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Son to mother: “mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin.”

Mother: “well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop”

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float any...

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God walks in on his son masturbating

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?"

I'm so sad that he still doesn't know my name is brian

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name...

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize! Why would anyone pick on you?!"

Joke my 8 year old son made up. Where do viruses come from?

Germany

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I walked in on my son masturbating today

Luckily he's still too young to understand what I was doing

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?

Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

Why were Karen and her two year old son crying?

They were both having a midlife crisis.

The perfect son

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he drink whiskey? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: Does he ever come home late? 

A: No, he doesn't. 

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 

A: He will be ...

My son told me he wants to be an astronaut.

I told him that the skies the limit.

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A woman is pregnant with triplets.

She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.
...

How to communicate effectively with your teenage son as an anti-vaxxer:

1. Ouija Board

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married..

I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...

"Swarm."

What did the buffalo say to his son in the morning?

Bison

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

My son just accused me of lying.

I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t even have any children!

After his last appointment, my son complained about how his hair looked. I told him it'll grow on him.

His oncologist, on the other hand, is not as optimistic.

A mother is cooking dinner when she hears her son come back from school...

"How was you English test today?" She asked

"It was easy except I had trouble on this one difficult question"

"What did it ask?" The mother replied

"It asked for the past tense of think"

"What did you answer it as?" The mother says.

"I couldn't really figure it out...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Courtesy of my nine-year-old son

A detective walks into a seafood restaurant and sits down. He orders a meal and starts eating, but suddenly stops halfway through. The waiter notices this and hurries over to make sure everything is OK. The detective narrows his eyes and says, "Something tastes fishy here!"

On a Sunday night, where it rained heavily, I turned to my son.

"It's Mon soon, see son?"

a man named his son Rock Bottom

he ends up in jail a few years later for domestic abuse. his wife visits him and asks him through tears: “What happened? Why are you here?” The husband says: “I’ve hit Rock Bottom”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has three legs and four arms?

My son's shit drawing of a snake.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: A mom is putting her son to bed and he asks

"Mom, where do babies came from?"

"Well", she says, "They come from a stork."

Confused, he asks "Then who fucks the stork?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son was sent home from school for swearing today.

I said, "what did you say?"

"The 'C' word."

I said "It wasn't clever, was it?"

He said, "no it was cunt."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man says to his son he shouldn’t masturbate too much or he’ll go blind. The son says...

“Dad I’m over here, your talking to the wall!”

How did the Polish mother teach her son to put on his underwear?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back.

Yesterday my son explained to me in very simple turns that I am an adult but he isn't

I kid you not

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An indian man on his death bed.

"Sanjita, my wife, are you here?"


"Yes, my husband"


"My daughters are you here?



"Yes, papa"


"My sons are you here ?"


"Yes, Father, we are all here"



"Then who's in the fucking shop?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

Going to my son’s room is like going to IKEA

I just go to have a look and I come out with 6 glasses, 2 plates, 3 towels and a ton of socks.

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