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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Son: "Daddy i i fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!! "

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

My son is 2934 days old today.

He was born on 12/12/12.

 

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

“I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime, son.”

Son: “Was it something I said?”

Me: “Yes.”

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.

The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believ...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this odd so he mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Ch...

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?

Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "




Ps: This sub in a nutshell

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

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My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

For his birthday, I got my son an alarm clock that swears at him instead of beeping.

He’s in for a rude awakening.

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

Father: Son, what comes after 5?

Son: 6, 7, 8

Father: Good! You are smart! Now tell me, what comes after 7?

Son: 8, 9, 10

Father: Great! What comes after 10 then?

Son: J, Q, K

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A son is choking

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three coins to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the ...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife...

How can you tell Odin's sons apart?

Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.


His brother is Balder.

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If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?

Father: Because your mother loves Easter. It’s an anagram.

Son: Oh right, thanks Dad

Father: No problem, Alan

An old farmer wrote to his son in prison:

“This year I wont be able to
plant potatoes because I cant dig the field. I know if you were here
you would help me” The son wrote back:”Dad don’t even think of
digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole fiel...

A dad says to his son “Ten times two and eleven times two equal the same number”

The son says it’s wrong

The dad asks “what’s ten times two?”

The son replies “Twenty”

Then the dad says “And eleven times two is twenty too!”

My sons teacher got fired for being cross eyed

She couldn't control her pupils.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"

She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."

Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.

"All household appliances come in white," said his father.

I saw an anti-vaxxers 4 year old son throwing a tantrum at the grocery store yesterday.

You can say he was having a midlife crisis

My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?'

14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

A father and his son are walking deeper and deeper into the woods...

... they get farther and farther and eventually the boy looks up at his father and says, “Dad, I’m getting scared it’s really dark.” The father laughs and looks at his son and says, “Your scared? I gotta walk back alone.”

I was driving my son to pre-school and he was having fun making dinosaur sounds.

"ROAR!" he yelled.

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked.

"T Rex!"

Then he said, "HONK!"

"What dinosaur is that?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Triceratops," he said.

"Why does a Triceratops honk?"

And he said, "Because it has horns!"

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A mother is driving her son to school.

She is driving behind a garbage truck when suddenly a huge black dildo flies out of the top of the truck, smacks the windscreen and rolls off. The son says 'Mum, what was that', Mother replies, 'oh, that was just an insect son, nothing to worry about'... Son Replies 'I'm surprised it could get off ...

If my son ever comes out as non binary I will not supporting him.

I with support them

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A dad turns to his son and says "Masturbation causes blindness."

Son replys "Dad I'm over here."

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

Guy's on death bed. Priest says "Denounce Satan my son" and he says...

"Now is not the time to make enemies Father!"

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

"Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"

"Yes, we arson."

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

The Perfect Son

A: I have the perfect son.

B: Does he smoke?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he drink whiskey?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: Does he ever come home late?

A: No, he doesn't.

B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?






...

A father is scolding his stupid son.

"Timmy, you're an idiot! You're as dumb as this table!"

He knocks on the table for effect.

"Dad, dad, someone knocked, I'll go get the door!"

Father facepalms.

"Gods, Timmy, you're stupid. \*I\* knocked. \*I'LL\* go get the door!"

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

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My son's been really worried about his puppy's upset stomach, so in the night I let him into the garden for a shit.

"Why can't I just use the toilet?" he always asks.

My son was playing a Zelda game and I told him it was more effective to lose health during the summer and winter seasons. Confused, he asked why?

I said, that way you don't take any Fall damage.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

Today my son taught me something wonderful.

He said: "You should learn from your mistakes"

I said: "I just did"

An Indian King became jealous that the Queen was caring about their infant son more than him, So he poisoned her nipples in her sleep to kill the baby.

The next day the Minister died of poisoning.

Lawyer teaches his son!

A lawyer obviously wanted his young son to become a lawyer too, so he began training him in the right earnest, quite early. He began teaching him how to tell lies



One day to test his son, he asked, "Son, if you tell a lie without thinking for a second, then I will give you 100 bucks!"...

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

My son is such a happy boy... I recently persuaded him to swallow a flashlight...

...his face lit up.

Son: C’mon Dad, put you turn signal on before you change lanes.

Dad: FLICKer? I hardly know her!

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I think I need to stop pissing around with my son's new time machine and get it wrapped up.

It's his birthday last month.

A son asks his dad if he regrets anything about having a son at 16.

“Nuttin” the dad responds with a straight face.
“Thanks Dad” the son says as he gives the dad a hug.

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

A dad's advice to his son

Never get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.

Homer Simpson takes his yellow, spiky-haired son to a bar. The bartender pulls up a shotgun and aims it at the boy.

I regret saying this, but the bartender lives up to his name.

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The Real Son Of A Bitch

Girl: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done, my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

...

My son is dyslexic. Every year he writes his Christmas wishlist...

...and sends it off to Satan.

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A woman overhears her 8 year old son playing with his train set.

As he's moving his train around, he stops the train and says "This stop is Los Angeles. If this is your stop, get the fuck off. If this is not your stop, stay the fuck on."

The boy moves the train around for a minute, and stops the train once again.

"This stop is Seattle. If this is yo...

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

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"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" a son asks his father.

The surprised father answers, “Well, sonny, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

a caring mother makes her son loafs of bread shaped like batman, to make his sandwiches fun every time. guess what happens when it's in the oven?

the dark knight rises.

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[Classic Old Joke] The son of an Arab oil tycoon joined a university in Berlin, after a month he sent an email to his dad.

'Dear Dad,

Germany is fine and the college is great. But I feel embarrassed to drive my gold plated Lamborghini to college when most of the students and even professors arrive by train'

Few hours later, he gets an email from his dad.

'Dear son ,

I just transferred $200 mi...

I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"

It was the Green Arrow!

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

My son asks me "Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?"

and I reply, "Yes son, the sky is pretty blue."

Son: *crying* Santa isn't real!

Me: of course he is!

Son: •sniffle• but I stayed up all night and he didn't come

Me: aw, buddy, •kneels down• he must really hate you then

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A father decides it's time to teach his young son how to pee standing up...

So he brings his son into the bathroom.

"Son, it's a 7 step process. Step 1: you unzip your pants. Step 2: you pull your penis out. Step 3: you pull back your foreskin. Step 4: you go pee. Step 5: you push your foreskin back over your penis. Step 6: you put your penis back in your pants. And ...

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A father sits down with his son

A father sits down with his 18 year old son and they have a father-son chat. “Son, it’s getting close to Christmas and I know you’ve been a good kid this year. I don’t have much money but I got you an early Christmas gift. “ the dad says. “That’s ok Dad. I love you” the son replied.

The dad s...

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The insult "you son of a bitch"

Was created by cats.

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Like father like son...

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7x9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9x7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"What is the difference?" asks the father...

My son just told me he joined the Army. I asked him why and proudly, he said he joined up to kill people.

He's a terrible nurse.

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

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Teacher: Your son is just like Elvis

Parents: Oh really? How?

Teacher: We found him dead on the crapper.

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

A mother was sitting in the living room when her son came in crying

The mother asked him. "What happened?"

The son said. "Dad was using a hammer and hurt his hand."

The mother smiled and said. "Oh it's okay. There's nothing to cry. In fact you should have just laughed."

The son looked up, tears welling up in his eyes. "Well I laughed...."

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A father walks into his sons room...

He says to his son “if you keep masturbating you’re gonna go blind”

The son replies “Dad I’m over here”

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Teacher: Your son was caught drinking a beer.

Me: Did he say where he got it?

Teacher: Yes, his best friend.

Me: [tearing up] He really said that?

A man and his son are walking down the street

The boy asks:Dad what's a drunk? His dad said:Son do you see those four cars,a drunk would see eight cars. The boy then says:But dad those are two cars.

A father meets his son’s teacher.

« Sir, I’m afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that’s a math test, duh. There’s only one good answer, right? »

« In...

What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son?

“Today *is* a good day to dye!”

What did Russel Crowe say to the press when his son was convicted of cannibalism?

I was glad he ate her.

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

My 7yr old son told me this tonight. What do you call a snowman temper tantrum?

A meltdown


*edit* Thanks for the silver, its greatly appreciated

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Got an email from my Son's grade school today ...

Seems my little boy got sent to the Principal's office for giving his Teacher the finger.

The school staff still can't figure out who it belongs to and how he got it.

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Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends “my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father.’”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace.’”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not to put you ...

My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party.

His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor. She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.

The Different Son

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our childre...

My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage.

I just didn't want him to get bored over there.

I picked my son up from college the other day.

He said "Dad this is embarrassing, everybody is looking at us."
I said" They're only jealous son, just because their dad's ain't carrying them on their shoulders."

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

My son made up this joke. Knock knock

-Who's there?
-Alexa
-Alexa who?
-Sorry I don't know that one. You can always leave feedback on the Alexa app.

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sat down to dinner with his three sons.

He looks at Billy and says, “Billy, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Billy says, “It mommas pasta.”
His fathers says, “You’ve gotta take smaller bites.”

He looks at his son Bobby and says, “Bobby, you fat bastard. Why are you so fat?”

Bobby says, “It mommas pasta.”
H...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

My son stumbled upon his adoption papers and got upset

I was waiting for the right time to talk about the matter.

Not too worried as he will be with a new family by tomorrow.

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

A farmer dies and gives two horses to his sons.

The first son says: We should cut one ear off so that we can tell them apart.

The second son agrees and they cut one ear off the horse.

That night the horse sees that he doesn't have an ear and thinks that he should bite off the ear of the other horse, and he does.

The next morn...

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A father and son go fishing

While fishing the father cracks open a beer, the son says dad can I have a beer? The father asks can your Dick touch your asshole? “No” said the son, the father said you can’t have one then. A little while later the father lights up a cigar, the son asks dad, can I have a cigar? The father asks does...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much

I calmly opened the door and said, “Son, I found a condom in your room.” He looked up sheepishly and groaned, “Thanks Grandpa.”

“Why did you call me Grandpa?” I questioned.

He laughed nervously, “Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

Today my son would have turned four...

But i pulled out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.

The Dads feet started getting cold. So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers. When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed. He then says,”My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”. They then replied with,”No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”. The Son says,”He ha...

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked on the inside or outside..

He walks out the front door, comes back in and says both. I wonder if me saving for university is just too much.

From my 7 year old son: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

Dad to his son: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”

Son: “Go on, then.”


Dad growls: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”


Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”


Dad: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other."

As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I no longer had a son after my daughter told me...

“Dad, I’m trans.”

I caught my son biting the electrical cord

I was shocked and grounded him. He resisted but I told him to stay positive. It's been a week, he's currently doing better and conducting himself properly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I took my son to see his Mom at work at the animal sanctuary and my wife brought out a lioness to meet us

Me: Son you see her she is one of the fiercest and most dangerous creatures on Earth.

Son: Really Dad are you scared of her daddy.

Me: Hell yeah, even the lioness doesn't wanna fuck with her you think I will

Son: Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?

Dad: No, son

I tried to convince my six year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally pee in your pants.

But he’s not believing it and still making fun of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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