A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he has a ...

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler.

Here's a bit of advice for you...

Advi.

I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

Since I started building dikes and levees for a living everyone is full of advice...

I tell them, "*Water* you talking about?

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

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Every update thread in /r/relationship_advice

update: just broke up with my shithead of a partner

I asked a cannibal for some dating advice

He said that after you've got to know them, take them home and make them a meal

Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother...

You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

I asked a friend for relationship advice and he told me to try breaking the ice

I don’t think she appreciated it when she fell through it into freezing waters

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Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don’t beat yourself up over it!

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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the auditor that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”<...

Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do....

What do you call a monastery home to advice columnists?

Dear Abbey

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

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Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

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Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

Dating Advice

My friend tells me : 'There's this girl at work I like...

I say 'She's way out of your league'

Him - 'You haven't even seen her...'

Me: 'I've seen YOU...'

Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

I have some advice on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.

4. You should find a woman th...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

Good Advice

A young woman had been taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s ...

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

You'll get exhausted.

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

Mom's Advice

Me: Damn, should have listened to mom's advice when I was young

Why, what **did** she say?

Me: I told you - *i didn't listen*

I need dating advice. I've been seeing this woman for about three weeks.

Recently, she started closing her curtains...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

If you want a job in thr moisturizer industry, the best advice i can give you is...

To apply daily.

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

We should take dating advice from chickens

They get laid before they're even born

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

The best advice I ever got from my dad was to never run away from my problems...

To this day, I still have that postcard...

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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get an air conditioner"
"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"
"Well, Danny, do you ha...

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I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap

Go fuck yourself.

My friend in a wheelchair wanted to start fighting MMA and asked me for advice

I told him to roll with the punches

A doctor and a lawyer are at a party...

People at the party keep coming up to the doctor and asking him for medical advice. The doctor gets aggravated that he cannot enjoy the party because of the constant medical questions. He notices that his lawyer friend is sitting peacefully in a corner and hasn't been disturbed all night.

The...

Patient: Doc, as per your advice,

I have stopped drinking, now I only drink alcohol if someone insists.

Doctor: Ok!
who is the gentleman with you?

Patient: Oh, he?
He is the one I employed to insist.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

What advice do you give to a vegan in a wheelchair?

You are what you eat

[OC] I asked my friend for advice as I was being too submissive

"Say no more." He replied.

Drug store advice

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.


T...

Here’s some advice for women out there: Be careful of fat guys.

They are just trying to get into your pantries.

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

Stevie Wonder says the best advice he ever heard was from Ray Charles...

"The future's lookin' up."

My mother always tells me to take advice from successful people

How do I get advice from people who've successfully killed themselves?

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you’re well travelled.

Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.

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Never take advice from diapers

They're full of shit.

A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice

“Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?”


“Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn’t able to walk for 11 months after it”

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

Donald Trump asks his son Eric for dating advice

Eric says, "Well, dad, this is what I do. I go get a potato, stick it in my underwear, and walk around showing that off. All the ladies fall for it!"

Donald agrees it sounds like a bigly good idea, so the next day he goes to the White House kitchen and grabs the biggest potato he can find, sh...

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Taking diet advice from people on YouTube...

Is like taking sex advice from me.

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

What advice would you give a narrow tree?

Branch out.

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

My teacher talks all the time about tolerance of others: "Tolerance is the key to a peaceful society." So I heeded her advice and gradually became more tolerant.

Then I overdosed.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said, "It's worth spending money on good speakers."

The best pick up advice I've ever been told is..

..always bend your knees.

Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?

Edit: Never-mind we got a divorce

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

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The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

As a long married man I always offer the same advice to young people getting married

Don’t

Good advice my Doctor once gave me:

OH MY GOD! THAT'S NOT WHAT ANALGESIC MEANS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

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