As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a moron?"

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

It is a good thing for Bezos he didn't go to r/jokes for rocket advice

90% of the stuff you people come up with never lands

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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Doctors advice

My doctor told me I have to give up half my sex life.

I asked which half, thinking about it or talking about it?

A struggling businessman named John approaches Yoda seeking financial advice

John asks Yoda “How is it that I am not rich? I work 80 hours a week, I kiss up to my bosses, I avoid my family, I stay away from romantic relationships, I never go out with friends, and yet still, I am not wealthy. Everybody told me that under capitalism, if I worked hard enough, I too could be ric...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.


She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

Young Bill Gates asks wife for advice

Bill: Hey honey, what do you think I should call my new company? I need something that really reflects who I am.

His wife: I don't know sweety, what about Microsoft?

What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?

A gluten for punishment

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

Need advice

A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.

I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.

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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady...

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, ...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

Sensei, I need your advice.

I wish to live to be 100 years old.

- Then get married.

Will that make me live 100 years?

- No! But the wish will fade away.

Thank you great master for your immense wisdom.

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded doctors waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into...

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Our marriage guidance counselor offers a 24 hour SMS advice service

It's difficult to decipher some of his typos and auto-corrects, but his recommendation for a suck-sex-full relationship was spot on!

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There is a new female organ player at a small church...

She is a beautiful woman, but there is a problem: her ample bosom is causing an issue with the men in the church. While playing the organ, her breasts bounce and sway. Men in the church are getting distracted and many get in trouble with their wives for gazing longingly at her.

An old woman ...

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

NSFW Advice For Aspiring Male Genital Models

Don't do it if you have other options. The whole industry is just pretty nuts.

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

A man is giving relationship advice via calls

A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend

Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-

He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

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Someone asked me if I had a job

So I said, "I am my wife's sexual advisor". When asked what I meant by that I replied that, "My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it".

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

My dad needed some advice on how to wrap birthday presents properly

He looked up "Enimem-rap god"

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

Good ol’ Russian joke

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream and says: “I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin asks, “Why blue?”

Stalin: "I knew you would not object to the first one."

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

85 year ol man marries....

And sees his doctor "I just married an 18 year old au pair girl, and she wants to have a baby as I am getting old. Is there anything I can do to help speed this up?"

Doctor looks at the old man and says "get a young lodger!" With a wry smile.

5 months later the old man visits his doct...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

Some good advice for you all.

If you get a loan at a Bank, you will be paying it back for 30 years.

If you rob a bank you will be out in 10 years.

Follow me for more financial advice.

A dad's advice to his son

Never get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

Life advice

If at first you don't succeed, maybe sky diving isn't for you.

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...

...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.

"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn...

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

What Animal Doesn't Take Their Own Advice?

A hippocrite.

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A businessman is called up for an IRS audit….

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the IRS that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told...

My wife said we need to recycle more.

So I told her I'd go to the biggest recyclers I know for advice.



Hello r/Jokes

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

Somebody once gave me advice on dating to “just be yourself” and “be the true you”...

...he was an actor.

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me."

Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

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Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

So I went to the doctor yesterday...

And told him that my bottom hurts.

Doctor: Where does it exactly hurt?

Me: Right around the entrance, it’s really sore

Doctor: My advice is that for as long as you call it the entrance, it’ll hurt.

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

What advice would you give to a bad ventriloquist?

Shut your mouth.

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

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An old rish woman visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra," asked the doctor. "Not a chance," she said, "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra." "What is Irish Viagra?" she asked. "It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and let's talk in a week." A week later the doctor called the woman to check on the results. The poor dear ...

Two Minnesota hunters travelled south to Iowa, one winter, to hunt deer.

After tracking a big stag for miles they finally get it in their sites and take it down.

As they struggled dragging the dead animal across the snowy, open fields, back to their pickup, they were stopped by a DNR officer and he asked to see their hunting licenses and stamps.

Assured...

I've discovered the best breed of dog for fasion advice

An Irish Trendsetter

Christmas gift giving advice for the man who has everything.

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What do you get the man who has everything for Christmas?" she asks the bartender. "A divorce," the bartender replies. "Then he'll only have half of everything."

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

A Jewish man was at home

A Jewish man was at home when his son came home and told him:

“Guess what dad, I just converted to Christianity!”

The man, confused about his son’s sudden decision, goes to his friend’s house and explains to him what happened. He replies:

“You won’t believe what happened. My son...

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A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

Ladies, an advice

When a guy is with you in the shower and he's nice enough to gently wash your back and get you all soapy, be nice to him and don't ask rude questions like "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?" or "What are you doing in my shower?"

You shouldn’t take a lawyer’s advice over emails

Because that would be...





E-legal.

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

Why do cinnamon sticks have such great stock advice all the time?

Because there all in cider, trading.

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations

Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!

A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.

When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hos...

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I went on a date with a lovely woman and we started talking about sex.

"I'm quite inexperienced. Could you give me some advice on how I might make a woman orgasm?" I asked.

She said, "I suggest that you use two fingers instead of one."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," she added. "It's a good way to tell the barman that I'd like a double shot next."

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Two virgins get married

Two virgins get married and go on their honeymoon.



Unfortunately, neither of them knows what to do so they call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit together on the bed, kiss and snuggle, and things should happen from there.

The newlyweds do that ...

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Costco Parking Lot Advice

I noticed someone posted about a woman scamming people and it reminded me of a situation I had this afternoon at Costco.

There are these two beautiful Swedish twins that will offer you sex in the parking lot. While the one sister is working on you, the other will steel your wallet.

Now...

So I phoned the drugs helpline and the voice on the phone said " For advice on cannabis"

Press 'hash'

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:

Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

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A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

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What does a pirate say when giving sex advice?

Yarr, G marks the spot!

I’ve tried asking for relationship advice on Reddit

I learnt many ways to file a divorce instead

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An American guy is talking to his friend about a French girl he likes...

"I've always had a thing for French women!" he says "So I can't wait to tell my crush that!"

"That's not right," says his friend. "It's not good to generalize her like that it'll make her think you see all French as the same! I've had a career in International Relations so I have some advice ...

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My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “If I ever need your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

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A guy goes to the doctor because he’s been having trouble with his sex life.

The doctor gives him an examination and says: “Look, you’re just out of shape. Run ten miles every day and I guarantee you’ll start to feel better.”

A week later the guy calls his doctor back and says “Gee thanks for the advice doc, I’ve been running ten miles a day and I feel great!”
...

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Donald Trump phones the Queen to ask for advice.

Donald Trump phones The Queen, and he says to her:

“Since we are living through such troubled times I thought it might be good to give the country a point to rally and unite behind. So, as I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it sho...

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need...

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

My grandma's advice

My grandma always used to say " don't laugh at anybody, you might end up like them too".

From that day forth I started laughing at bill gates

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

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A little advice for any guy who's ever hidden a boner in their waistband.

Don't be so hard on yourself

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

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Advice from a Rabbi

A man goes to a respected Rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi, Rabbi, I'm getting audited by the IRS and have to appear in court. Should I show up there in lowly clothes so they think I'm as poor as I say I am? or should I show up dressed my finest so they know I'm a respected businessman that you don'...

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Pinocchio goes to Geppetto for relationship advice

"Father?" Pinocchio asks. "I have a bit of a... sensitive issue. I've been talking with my girlfriend, and we want to start... making love. Only, she's worried about getting splinters, um... *down there*. Geppetto chuckles, but offers his woodworking advice. "This is nothing some simple sand paper ...

Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?

They're trained to look for red flags.

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

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John wanted to get married to the purest girl he could find. Taking his fathers advice

he proceeded to find a girl that wouldn't know what a penis was if it stood proudly before her. So he dated quite a few girls and when they got more acquainted he would pull down his pants and ask "Do you know what this is?", to which, of course, they would all reply "A penis". Until one day he met ...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

all sales final: no returns

An Australian aborigine has a boomerang that won't come back to him no matter how many times he tries to throw it. Frustrated he goes to the witch-doctor for advice. The witch-doctor asks him where he got the boomerang and the abo tells him he got it from a souvenir shop at Ayer's Rock. The witch-...

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Father, that is what you taught me

A world renown prostitute decided to make a "tournament". She was very experienced and very confident in her abilities. Anyone to just make her make as much as a sound during intercourse wins one million dollars. Men from all around the area lined up for a chance to win, no one succeeded.

Wo...

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

3 rules of advice

1. Never reveal everything you know

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his husband...

Were talking one evening over dinner when the more effeminate one expressed he was feeling a bit down in the dumps. The husband enquired as to what was happening...

Twink: “Well, I’m not feeling very ‘manly’ lately”.

Bear: “Oh hun, you are you and I love you, but why?”

Twink: si...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi ab...

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sleeper of a Joke

A couple owns a dog that snores in his sleep.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife takes the dog to the vet to see if he can help.

The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles at night and he will stop snoring.

The woman is dubious about the vet's adv...

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed by logging, so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the middle of the forest to ask what they could do to save it.

The wise old tree thought about it and said "Perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away.” The bears snarled and charged the loggers to scare them.

It worked initially, but then the loggers hired hunters and soon there were no bears left to scare anyone.

The logging resumed and the fo...

I asked a hitman for advice on how to kill a clown. He told me...

Go for the juggler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Father's Day I remember the advice my Father gave me he wish his father had given him:

Pull out. I love you too, you old bastard!

Why did the Penny go to the Nickel for dating advice?

The penny saw the nickel take two dimes to his quarters.

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