The 125+ Best Advice Jokes

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

I asked 50 Cent for some advice

Now he is 48 Cent

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get an air conditioner"

"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"

"We...

For those of you guys practicing for a staring contest, here’s some advice.

Take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror.

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."

Son "Where do you get the shit from?"

"Trust me, it'll be there."

ghandi's advice

so Ghandi is giving out some free advice and a woman goes up to him and asks him to tell her son to stop eating chocolate. Ghandi says, "okay come back in a week and I will give him some advice." So after a week the woman comes back to Ghandi and Ghandi tells the kid, "Stop eating chocolate." The wo...

Red Skelton's advice for a perfect marriage - Lesson 2.

We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

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Letter to an Advice column:

Dear Abby, last time I wrote to you you told me there was nothing wrong with masturbation.

Why then, yesterday, did I get thrown off the bus?

I need some technical advice.

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

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Wife goes to her doctor for advice:

“My husband just want to have sex all day and all night, is there something that I can give him”

“Yes, here is my phone number and address”

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Advice for the man who wants excitement in his sex life:

Try "Rodeo Screwing".

Mount your wife from behind, whisper "This is how I do it with your sister", and try to stay on for eight seconds.

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida.

When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong.

"Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?"

"...

Red Skelton's advice for a good marriage. Lesson 1:

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

Why shouldn’t you take advice from a Dalmatian?

Because it’s spotty at best.

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

What's the one piece of advice that would benefit both a tightrope walker and a guy getting a b.j. from an 85-year-old woman?

"Don't look down."

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

Alcohol Advice.

Alcohol is not in my Vodkabulary.

However, I looked it up on Whiskeypedia and learned

if you drink too much of it, it's likely Tequilya.

Financial Advice

With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money in 9 years. The only way to outperform that consistently, that I have found, is crypto. Just this year I've already lost half my money.

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

A blind man came to me for some business advice.

I told him he's never going to succeed in what he's doing.
He asked why is that. I told him because he lacked vision.
That's not nice, he said.
I asked why, is the joke too dark for you?

If you are ever looking for some advice, you should contact a surgeon specialising in circumcision.

They have plenty of tips.

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

A man visits a lawyer and asks “How much do you charge for legal advice?”

The lawyer says “I’ll answer three questions for $500.”

The man says “Don’t you think that’s rather expensive?”

The lawyer says “Yes. What’s your third question?”

Need your advice

Grew up with very large ears and have always been conscious of them.

Couldn’t afford to get Otoplasty so I signed up for an experimental procedure that involved growing a new pair of ears on my body which would replace the old ones with a much more affordable surgical “cut and stitch” proced...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

Where do spiders seek health advice

WebMD

My advice: You should never date a cross-eyed girl.

I guarantee she'll be seeing someone else.

A young pastor sought advice from a retired clergyman on how to capture the attention of his congregation during his first sermon.

The experienced pastor suggested he start with an attention-grabbing opening line like, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, 'She was my mother.'

The following Sunday, the y...

My friends keep asking me for advice..

They want to know how to get all the karma and awards.

I keep telling them it's a piece of cake

Advice

A doctor was walking down the street one day when he noticed coming towards him one of his 85 year old patients with a very beautiful, well-built young lady on his arm.

He was looking the happiest he had ever seen him.

When the old guy noticed the doctor he went up to him and said, "...

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Word of advice to all the men out there: DO NOT masturbate after chopping up some chilies.

Not only does it sting but it will also get you kicked off Masterchef.

My Lawyer gave me great advice

He always said I should never apologise if it’s not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a big bill.

However his uncle died recently and I sent him a condolence card and my trial starts next week.

FIL marriage advice

My father in law once told me the secret to a great marriage. On your 5th wedding anniversary take your wife to the old country.

On your 40th anniversary go back and get her.

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If a man fails to blow up a building, but gives good sex advice, what will people say about him?

This Guy Fawkes.

Marriage Advice

It was a long time ago, but I still remember my Father dispensing this important advice, "Son, marry a girl who has the same belief as the whole family."

To which I replied, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who believes I'm a moron?"

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Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice...

He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.

I need some advice. I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $50.

Is that two deer?

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Fatherly Advice

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hangi...

A man was giving good advice for $1

I gave him $1 and he replied," stop wasting money."

WTF

Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

"My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence retu...

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Doctors advice

Jay's primary care doctor recently retired and that forced him to find a new one, which he did.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, Jay's new doctor said he was doing "fairly well for a man his age"… Having just turned forty-four in July, Jay was a little concerned about the doctor's c...

What is the best advice for new software developers?

Google it.

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

What advice did the english lion give to his lioness?

"Eat prey, love"

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

I figured it how to become a millionaire by taking stock advice from Reddit!

The catch is that you have to start investing when you're a billionaire...

Best advice I ever got on the internet was this:

Don't take advice from some rando on the internet.

I went the ATM to take some cash out, and selected the “Cash with Advice” option.

It said “Get a better job”

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Please take my advice and never use Crisco for lubrication…

It’s shortening. Found out the hard way.

I’m unemployed and asked my friend for advice.

He told me: “Get a job at NASA, they always have space.”

Everyone thinks drug addicts need advice

But they’ve already added enough vices, they need to subtractvice

So just some dating advice for y’all, never EVER date a demon!

They’re way too possessive!!

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A Jew went to the Rabbi to ask for advice.

"Oh Rabbi, my Sarah and I and our children are all living together in our small little house. It is so cramped and I can't afford a new one! What shall I do Rabbi?" Rabbi considered it and said. "Go and hire a live-in servant." "What?" "Do as I say." And so the Jew hired a live-in servant. After...

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.

You should've got good advice.

Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.

Don't get the bad advice.

\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

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A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

I miss my dad. Before he left, he gave me this piece of advice.

Advi

Why is it smart to ask your coffee mug for advice?

Because it always has a handle on every thing.

Osama Bin Laden was trying to give me relationship advice.

Probably wasn't the best time to say "OK Boomer"

Doctor's advice

A man has been ill for some time, has had tests and is now at the doctor's for the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you. You only have a few months to live"

"Doctor, isn't there anything I can do?"

"You can avoid all fatty and spicy food. Don't touch alcohol. G...

Juliet hates it when people give her advice about relationships.

It’s not her first Romeo.

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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

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My uncle gave me some really good advice last night...

Me: “Jim, I dropped my phone onto the kitchen floor yesterday. It seems to be working fine mostly, but it’s a little slower than usual. What should I do ?”

Jim: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Me: “Also, my wife has barley spoken a word to me lately, but we’ve been having non-stop...

Since breaking up with my girlfriend, my dad has been there to offer me plenty of life advice.

Which is rich coming from him, considering he was dating my girlfriend.

Good advice from my dad

My Dad always told me to dress for the job you want not the job you have.
Good advice unless you want to be cop.

My wife gives sound advice.

99% sound, 1% advice

Young Bill Gates asks wife for advice

Bill: Hey honey, what do you think I should call my new company? I need something that really reflects who I am.

His wife: I don't know sweety, what about Microsoft?

I took their advice and tried to sleep my way to the top.

But I kept getting fired for showing up late.

Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me."

Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

My roommate in college always gave us advice on what drugs to try on different holidays.

He was the original trip advisor.

Sensei, I need your advice.

I wish to live to be 100 years old.

- Then get married.

Will that make me live 100 years?

- No! But the wish will fade away.

Thank you great master for your immense wisdom.

(Part joke, part advice) One of the first signs that your partner is losing interest is…

That…

all their savings are in a savings account.

It is a good thing for Bezos he didn't go to r/jokes for rocket advice

90% of the stuff you people come up with never lands

What do you call a celiac who ignores their dietary advice?

A gluten for punishment

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Santa needs advice.

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring...

Before going to a party, my dad gave me some advice.

"Son," he said, "I want you to stop drinking at midnight. OK?"

"OK." I sighed, closing the front door.

I came back home at 3:15am, opened the front door, and he was waiting for me on the sofa.

"Alright there, daddy!" I shouted.

"*Daddy*?" he frowned. "You're drunk as a sk...

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The boy got his ass kicked by his bully after he followed his father’s advice.

The boy thought forsure that playing a nice tune on his violin would dissuade his bully from attacking him through the power of music.

He didn’t understand why it didn’t work, his father was a wise man. The father’s advice advice to the boy was:

“Son, sometimes you must respond to a ph...

So I go to for some careers advice...

"What do you want to do?" asked the advisor.

"I want to work in a record store", I replied.

"Is that your vinyl answer?"

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A Psychic's advice

A woman went to a psychic and found out she was going to live to be 100!

She figured if she was going to be around that long, she may as well look her best. She got the works! Face lift, boob job, nose job and looked amazing!

After her final procedure she got hit by a bus and died....

Advice for final exams

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Wish me luck, I have end of term exams tomorrow," she tells the bartender. "Good luck," the bartender says. "Are you all prepared?" "I've done everything I can think of to prepare. I even texted my ex last night," she says. "I asked him if he ha...

Mom's Advice

Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you, then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you, tell him "STOP"
The daughter came back home happy.
Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?"
The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited that I used both words together...

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

Need advice

A bit hesitant to invest my money into this dubious Egyptian real estate company.

I am afraid it might be a pyramide scheme.

Medical Advice

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Doctor, what's the matter with me?"

"You're not eating properly."

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

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One day a man is feeling depressed and goes to his therapist for advice.

"I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like living anymore." he said.

The therapist responded brightly. "Well I know just the trick for that. You need to be more sexually active." The man looks at him, confused. "What especially works for me is banging my wife two to three times a week....

My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".

I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.

This joke's idea comes from somewhere I can't remember. I was watching MKay's or FakeJake's video (It was several days ago, and they both post videos reading reddit post.) and I come across the first half of my joke (It isn't a joke, the person was actually asking for the advice through messages.)

Person A: Bro, I need your advice. How do I kindly reject a person. Person B has confessed to me, and I'm not ready yet. He's interesting, but I don't want to date, yet. I told him to wait until tomorrow for my answer.

A's Bro: Tell him, "You and I are reading the same book. But, you are seve...

Q: What do you call the advice given by an idiot not fit to live in polite society?

A: A Q-tip

A dad's advice to his son

Never get down on one knee for a woman who won't get down on two for you.

Dating advice

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "An old man once gave me great dating advice that I still follow to this day," he tells the bartender. "What was it?" the bartender asks. "He said, 'Find yourself a younger woman," the guy says. " I asked why and he told me 'because every woman is going to t...

My grandad gave me some sound advice as he lay on his deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

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Doctors advice

My doctor told me I have to give up half my sex life.

I asked which half, thinking about it or talking about it?

What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

A man is giving relationship advice via calls

A man is giving relationship advice via calls to a friend

Friend: i don't want to leave her, i really care abo-

He replies: I can't hear you, you're breaking up

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A palestinian calls a sheikh for religious advice..

A palestinian called a sheikh and asked: "If we liberate Palestine and Al Aqsa, then we catch an israelian woman soldier and fuck her, would that be halal?" The sheikh replied "You liberate Palestine and you can fuck my mom too"

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Our marriage guidance counselor offers a 24 hour SMS advice service

It's difficult to decipher some of his typos and auto-corrects, but his recommendation for a suck-sex-full relationship was spot on!

My dad is absolutely sick and tired of his job at the dry cleaners. I went to his shop the other day and he asked my advice on the situation.

I told him “Dad, I think I it’s time to throw in the towels“

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Advice from a Rabbi

A man goes to a respected Rabbi for advice.

"Rabbi, Rabbi, I'm getting audited by the IRS and have to appear in court. Should I show up there in lowly clothes so they think I'm as poor as I say I am? or should I show up dressed my finest so they know I'm a respected businessman that you don'...

Some financial advice

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says:

"I’ll give you $800 to dro...

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The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

I wrote relationship advice for my future self couple years ago, since single people give the best advice.

I still give great advice.

I got arrested for asking around for advice on money laundering

I don’t get it.

During this COVID-19 pandemic, I thought the least I could do to stay safe was to disinfect my money.

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Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.

Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

I've been known to give sage advice from time-to-time.

Though I do get funny looks for talking to herbs.

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

Joke advice

Hello everyone, at my job we are having a employee appreciation thing where we're giving out debby cakes and littles cup of ice cream to them. I am having to make little cute pun-ny notes on the cakes, but I need more ideas! If you can, drop some funny clever cake puns <3

Here's what I hav...

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