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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he has a ...

What did the guitar student say when his teacher gave him advice on how to sound more like Jimi Hendrix?

"Thanks, I appreciate the feedback."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don’t beat yourself up over it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bad sex advice

A teen virgin goes off to college and he finally mustered up the courage to invite a female student to his dorm room.

One thing leads to another and she starts to undress him.

He was super nervous and confused so he ran into the bathroom to call his dad for some last minute advice....

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the auditor that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”<...

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

Dating Advice

My friend tells me : 'There's this girl at work I like...

I say 'She's way out of your league'

Him - 'You haven't even seen her...'

Me: 'I've seen YOU...'

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A Greek mother gave her daughter marriage advice.

On her daughter's wedding day, she said, "We're Greek. You're father's Greek and your husband is Greek. So you need to listen to me."

"Okay, mama," said the bride.

"When you have sex, he's going to want you to turn over. Don't. Never turn over."

The daughter agreed and said she...

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Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

I have some advice on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do....

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

Good Advice

A young woman had been taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s ...

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.

4. You should find a woman th...

A wife returns from the salon, "Honey, I took your advice and got a new hair color, what do you think?"

Husband: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said "it's time to diet".

Mom's Advice

Me: Damn, should have listened to mom's advice when I was young

Why, what **did** she say?

Me: I told you - *i didn't listen*

A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

You'll get exhausted.

I need dating advice. I've been seeing this woman for about three weeks.

Recently, she started closing her curtains...

Anti Vaxxers almost give correct medical advice.

They just keep putting the word don't in front of things.

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

If you want a job in thr moisturizer industry, the best advice i can give you is...

To apply daily.

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

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Here is some advice for wives and girlfriends of cops.

Fuck the police!

My friend in a wheelchair wanted to start fighting MMA and asked me for advice

I told him to roll with the punches

My wife always gives me sound advice

99% sound, 1% advice

We should take dating advice from chickens

They get laid before they're even born

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

Any advice on correcting plastic surgery that has gone wrong?

I’m all ears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

The best advice I ever got from my dad was to never run away from my problems...

To this day, I still have that postcard...

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

Patient: Doc, as per your advice,

I have stopped drinking, now I only drink alcohol if someone insists.

Doctor: Ok!
who is the gentleman with you?

Patient: Oh, he?
He is the one I employed to insist.

[OC] I asked my friend for advice as I was being too submissive

"Say no more." He replied.

Drug store advice

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.


T...

My mother always tells me to take advice from successful people

How do I get advice from people who've successfully killed themselves?

Here’s some advice for women out there: Be careful of fat guys.

They are just trying to get into your pantries.

What advice do you give to a vegan in a wheelchair?

You are what you eat

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

A doctor and a lawyer are at a party...

People at the party keep coming up to the doctor and asking him for medical advice. The doctor gets aggravated that he cannot enjoy the party because of the constant medical questions. He notices that his lawyer friend is sitting peacefully in a corner and hasn't been disturbed all night.

The...

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have one advice to the people of /r/NoFap

Go fuck yourself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never take advice from diapers

They're full of shit.

Friend: My advice for your date —-Girls like it when they think you’re well travelled.

Me, later at the date: I took 5 different buses to get here.

An FBI statistician gave me some advice

I asked him, "I'm flying next week. Do you have any tips on how to lower my chances of being blown up by a bomb smuggled onboard by a terrorist?"

He chewed that one over for a while, then answered "Yes. Smuggle a bomb onboard yourself. I've never seen a case where two separate bombs were on t...

A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice

“Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?”


“Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn’t able to walk for 11 months after it”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Taking diet advice from people on YouTube...

Is like taking sex advice from me.

Donald Trump asks his son Eric for dating advice

Eric says, "Well, dad, this is what I do. I go get a potato, stick it in my underwear, and walk around showing that off. All the ladies fall for it!"

Donald agrees it sounds like a bigly good idea, so the next day he goes to the White House kitchen and grabs the biggest potato he can find, sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get an air conditioner"
"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"
"Well, Danny, do you ha...

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said, "It's worth spending money on good speakers."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

What advice would you give a narrow tree?

Branch out.

The CEO of a large cooperation was giving advice to a junior executive.

"I was young, married and out of work," he lectured. "I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them and sold them for ten cents each."

"I see," said the junior executive. "You kept reinvesting your money...

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

Punching bag is hitting me back, Any advice?

Edit: Never-mind we got a divorce

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover."

He said, "Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is sex."


"Yes," I said, "of that I am aware."


"So..." he began. "What does your son give you?"


"Ibuprofen."

...

As a long married man I always offer the same advice to young people getting married

Don’t

Good advice my Doctor once gave me:

OH MY GOD! THAT'S NOT WHAT ANALGESIC MEANS!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy asks his friend for advice

He says: My wife complains that my penis is too big, and to be fair, she isn't wrong. It's 20cm long, and that's when it's not hard.

The friend replies: Go to the swamp over there, and seek the magic frog. Ask him a question, and if he answers ''no'' you will lose 5cm.

So the guy goes ...

Advice for newlyweds: Never go to bed angry

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

The best pick up advice I've ever been told is..

..always bend your knees.

A doctor and lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

What advice did Yoda give to the Soviet secret agent?

Cagey be.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor's Advice

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I recommend you stop masturbating.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm trying to perform a prostate exam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Grandmas Old Advice.

My grandma used to always say,

"Boy, never hate people for the things they can't change...
hate them for the things they can change, like their stupid personality, their shitty opinions or their inferior religions."

At least that's what I think she said, I never listened to the st...

Heres a bit of advice:

advi

What advice did the clown fish give?

Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old man and young wife

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady, and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never reaches orgasm. They go to their rabbi for advice and he says
“Hire a good looking young man. While the two of you are making love, have the you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is asking her father for advice in her marriage

-Dad, I’m worried about my marriage, I think I want a divorce.

Her dad, worried about her daughter, asks:

-Why? Are you unhappy with your husband, sweetie?

-No, he’s really nice to me, he’s faithful, he’s a good father and takes care of me.

-Then why are you going to brea...

What do you do with free advice?

You sure don't buy it.

A bomb defusers life advice I live by

I asked him "Don't you get nervous about defusing the bomb?"

He shrugged and said "Either I'm right or its not my problem anymore"

What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV?

Stay positive.

Apparently, if new dots on your arm don't fade under a glass tumbler, you should seek medical advice without thinking.

Which makes it easier for me, as I'm terrible at making rash decisions.

A man was giving good advice for $1

I gave him $1 and he replied," stop wasting money."

WTF

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon, when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go..."

"Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you go...

A kid asks his Granddad for relationship advice...

"Grandpa, Jenny broke up with me today. I feel so bad, I don't know what I'm gonna do"

"Listen kid, you're gonna be alright. You're young and got plenty of time. Let me tell you about what qualities to look for in a woman to have a lasting relationship:

1) Find a woman who makes you la...