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Here's some advice for all men

If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection

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Good advice?

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd st...

My christmas advice

forget the past, you can't change it


forget the present, because I didn't get you one

The best advice my mom ever gave me: “if you want something done right, do it yourself....

unless you’re Jeffery Epstein.”

Two very stupid students are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: “You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They’ll rob you blind. Don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”

At Sydney airport, the students catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”

“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says one of the students. “And you’ll only be gett...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I didn't want to take advice from a sword salesman at the carnival...

...but he made some fair points.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

Good Advice

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?" The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!" "How doe...

A rich man asks a sage for advice

A rich man visits a temple to see a sage. He asks the sage how he can find true peace and fulfillment.

The sage says, "take everything in your life that brings you stress, worry, and misery, and put it all in the cave near the top of that mountain behind the temple".

The man does ...

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

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Thanks to chip readers strangers are always offering sexual advice

Go ahead and insert it, It’s not in far enough, Put it in again, Pull it out, You pulled it out too soon,It works better if you hold it in there, It’s taking a little longer today than usual

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Questionable Advice

After my dad died, my mom started dating a man who had just immigrated from France.

He wanted to get along with me so that my mom would like him more, and he knew I liked baseball, so he would play catch with me and encouraged me to join the school's baseball team.

He would always sa...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

How do you give relationship advice to a male bug?

You tell him to bug-her off.

Here is a bit of advice for all of you.

advi

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Dad given advice to his son "if you're hiking and a 9 foot grizzly rears up, you just"

"reach back, grab a handful of shit and throw it in the bear's eyes. Then run."





Son "Where do you get the shit from?"





"Trust me, it'll be there."

Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light..

But I suck at flirting, so I'm in the dark on this one

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a hung man asks his friend for advice

There is a man with a huge penis, 50 centimeters. He talks to his friend about the struggles he has with his big penis and that his wife would love him to have a smaller penis, as it hurts so much when they have sex.

The friend tells him there is an old lady living at the end of a near forest...

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Doctors advice to a 92 year old man marrying a 26 year old woman

Doctor: At this age sex can be fatal

Man: I don’t fuckin care if she dies!

I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice

He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it

Queen Elizabeth II has some advice for wearing a crown...

"One mustn't let it go to one's head!"

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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Young Virgin Couple

Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and ...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Always listen to the advice of a cross-eyed people...

Cause they have a unique point of view.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend and asks for advice.

The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask...

What advice does Fleetwood Mac give for the keeping of farm animals?

You can grow your own hay!

The deaf wife

A senior gentleman confesses to his doctor that he believes his wife is getting deaf but she won't admit it. He's asking for advice. The doctor says:
Well to confront her, I suggest when you get home tonight, ask gently from the door step "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", then if she does no...

My wife gives me sound advice.

90% sound, 10% advice.

Word of advice: Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

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Need advice. My best friend started dealing cocaine today.

He came home tonight bragging about his first blow job.

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

I take all condiment advice

with a pinch of salt.

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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Man and his doctor's advice

A man came to the chamber of a well known doctor.
**Doctor:** Hello and good afternoon. What seems to be the problem?
*Man:* I don't want any more baby, doc. Save me.


**Doctor:** Okay, tell me why can't you stop having a baby?
*Man:* I used a condom so that my semen won't...

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Welcome to reddit...

Where even virgins can give you sex advice

What advice did the dietician give the tightrope walker?

You need a balanced diet

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

Since I started building dikes and levees for a living everyone is full of advice...

I tell them, "*Water* you talking about?

You're gonna love this one

Guy walks into a bar, demands the absolute strongest drink the bartender knows how to make. The bartender warns him, "this is very strong, so sip it. It's the only drink you'll get tonight."
The man, ignoring the advice, chugs the drink in one gulp.
...falls off the stool, crawls out the do...

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

I give excellent relationship advice..

Trust me, I've been in hundreds of relationships.

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Healed!

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advic...

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A married woman visited a healer, seeking advice on her relationship

“Please you have to help me. Everyday my husband comes home from work he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger. My anc...

Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler.

A woman rings at neighbours door, a man opens the door.

Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of ...

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Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

a man walks into a bar very sad and out of energy

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender out of curiosity.


"I just found out my wife has been cheating on me. I can't take this anymore. I just want to end it all." says the man.


The bartender understands his pain and gives him advice. "You know something? If I found out my wife...

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Young Jimmy got mixed in with a bad crowd and found himself headed to jail. Being his first time, he was a little intimidated by the things he’d heard, so he was looking for some advice.

His uncle was a colorful fellow and a world traveler, and Jimmy figured he probably knew his way out of a dangerous situation better than anyone else he knew. After Jimmy explained his predicament, the uncle said:

“Yeah, I reckon I have some advice. Some years ago I was overseas riding throu...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

A man with 12 kids visits his Dr., asking for advice on how to prevent future pregnancies...

“Have you tried condoms?” Asks the Dr.

“I did, and it resulted in 3 kids!” said the man.

“Have you tried birth control?”

“I did! And it resulted in another 3 kids!”

“Have you tried IUD (intrauterine implants)?”

“I did! And it resulted in 3 kids!”

Confounde...

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George wanted to last longer during sex

So he went to see a doctor for advice. The doctor said that masturbating before sex often helps men last longer. The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that ...

I asked a cannibal for some dating advice

He said that after you've got to know them, take them home and make them a meal

My advice to Jussie Smollett is everyone makes mistakes...

Don’t beat yourself up over it!

Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother...

You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

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Every update thread in /r/relationship_advice

update: just broke up with my shithead of a partner

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

I asked a friend for relationship advice and he told me to try breaking the ice

I don’t think she appreciated it when she fell through it into freezing waters

My dad adviced me to never open a funeral business.

Bewildered as to why he gave me this advice, having never worked in a funeral business himself, I asked why.

"Because the market is dead, son"

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

Why did the Stock Broker quit his job to become a Baker?

He overheard some great advice. "BUY DOUGH, SELL PIE!"


....I'll see myself out.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

Earlier today I saw a fish in a hospital waiting room going up to people and giving them medical advice.

I said "Oi fish, stop that, what do you think you're doing?!"

He said "Don't worry about it, it's ok... I'm the Sturgeon General".

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Hey guys I've been talking to this girl for a while, and I was hoping you guys could give me some advice to move out of the friendzone.

Because she's fucking crazy and I need to get away from this bitch.

A farmer gave me some good advice

He told me the difference between a good meal and a good time is where you put the cucumber.

What is an askhole?

A Person Who Constantly Asks For Your Advice Yet Always Does the Opposite of What You Told Them !

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Never seek advice from a man..

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving for just about 2km from home, my car engine started to over heat. So I had to return and get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with our maid. I Don't know what to do....

Dating Advice

My friend tells me : 'There's this girl at work I like...

I say 'She's way out of your league'

Him - 'You haven't even seen her...'

Me: 'I've seen YOU...'

A businessman is called up for an IRS audit. He’s really flustered and goes to his accountant for advice.

“Make sure you dress up like a guy who is on the edge of losing money. It will convince the auditor that you are not hiding anything.”

Not satisfied, he goes to his lawyer. He is told: “Dress in your best suit. If you look like a confident businessman, they won’t give you too much trouble.”<...

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

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I came across a fellow pimp treating one of his girls poorly the other day. I tried to offer up some advice to which he replied...

"Mind your own fucking business."

A young married couple have moved into an apartment and want to repaper the dining room.

They decide to call on a neighbor with a dining room of the same size and ask him how much rolls of wallpaper he bought when he did his dining room.

"Seven," he says.

Heeding his words, they buy seven rolls of expensive wallpaper and get to work. When they get to the end of the fourth ...

An entire prison was facing electricity outage for a year.

The inmates were getting very frustrated at the lack of power supply in the prison. No matter what the Jailer tried he couldn't solve the issue.

One day, the jailer realised that there was a thief named Joanna who duped people of their money and who had the reputation of being very smart had ...

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[NSFW] Thomas Edison is busy inventing in his basement, when his wife, Mary, goes to a friend's house to ask for her advice.

"Thomas just won't go down on me", Mary tells her friend.

"I'll let you in on a little secret", the friend replies, "If you want oral sex with Thomas, try coating your privates with something sweet tasting, it works for me!"

When Mary arrives home she checks in the cupboards and finds...

A lawyer came to seek the advice of a rabbi concerning his son...

He said, "I don't know what to do. I raised my son in the Jewish faith. I taught him all of the religious traditions, threw him a large bar mitzvah, and raised him in a Jewish community but now he has become a Christian."

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask me. I also taught my son the Jewi...

Need advice: I'm 35 years old but due to drinking problems I have the liver of a 65 year old

I got drunk and before I knew it I was performing surgery on an older man. How can I either dispose of his liver or sell it on the black market?

Can you guys give me advice on repairing my fence?

After all, you are experts at reposting.

A word of advice: Don't run behind cars.

You'll get exhausted.

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Where lawyers come from...Joke

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.



The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"



She said that she did.



He asked, "Does it hurt you?" Sh...

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook.

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.

4. You should find a woman th...

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he has a ...

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

When i told my dad i was joining the Air Force, he gave me one piece of advice...

Son, always pay attention on the flight line, because if you don't, you will be mist.

Good Advice

A young woman had been taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s ...

I have some advice on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

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Danny cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get an air conditioner"
"I can't afford air conditioner doc, I'm too poor"
"Well, Danny, do you ha...

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My wife insisted we go and see the alligators crafted out of manure at the "contemporary" art gallery last night. My advice... don't go!

Turned out to be a croc of shit.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

My friend Mitchell is a magician...

My friend Mitchell is a magician. I lent him a rabbit for one of his magic shows a few weeks back. My wife and I invited him over for dinner lastnight, and as he pulled up into the driveway, I turned to my wife and said...




“Mitch better have my bunny.”




This is m...

So my friend asked me for advice on things he could do to turn on his girlfriend.

I replied “make sure you replace her batteries, and flip the switch to the left.”

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

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A wrestler meets with his coach

A wrestler meets with his coach about his next match. His coach tells him he will be facing the greatest Russian wrestler and he's known for his move called "the pretzel" no one had ever escaped the pretzel before, once you we in it, there was no way out.
The next day it was time for the match, ...

We should take dating advice from chickens

They get laid before they're even born

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

I need dating advice. I've been seeing this woman for about three weeks.

Recently, she started closing her curtains...

Mom's Advice

Me: Damn, should have listened to mom's advice when I was young

Why, what **did** she say?

Me: I told you - *i didn't listen*

If you want a job in thr moisturizer industry, the best advice i can give you is...

To apply daily.

My friend in a wheelchair wanted to start fighting MMA and asked me for advice

I told him to roll with the punches

A man is lying on his death bed and asks the nurse for a priest. "Do you want to confess?" the nurse asks.

"No ," replies the man, "I want to molest a minor and need the advice of an expert."

A guy sees a lonely penguin wandering in the streets downtown

He takes him immediately to the nearest police station to ask for advice.

"Officer, I found this penguin, what should I do?"

Officer is concerned and says:

"What is he doing there?? Take him to the Zoo immediately!"

Man says ok and leaves the police station.

A coup...

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My boss just promoted me to his sexual consultant.

He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it ...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a...

I once met my future self and he told me:

If you can only once travel back in time to give yourself advice, go further back than four sec....

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?

"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "

Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But...

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

My mother always tells me to take advice from successful people

How do I get advice from people who've successfully killed themselves?

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