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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.

Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

My girlfriend keeps telling me I should make a TikTok

Because I’m really good for about 15 seconds.

I’ll see my way out.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

i have a terrible disease where i can't stop telling airplane jokes

my doctor says it's terminal

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

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Telling the girlfriend's parents that you fuck their daughter like a wild marten in gooseberries is unacceptable.

Instead, tell them that you are trying for a baby, and then everyone will celebrate.

The local priest is tired of people telling him they cheated in confession

One Sunday near the end of mass he tells his congregation that he doesn’t like hearing people are cheating. He tells the church from now on refer to cheating as “slipping” in confession.

This goes on all spring and summer and when winter comes around the priest decided to retire. He forgot to...

I've recently became a father, so for the past few weeks I thought I'd try my hand at telling dad jokes.

He says I should go home and support my wife.

I love telling dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

Son comes to his father, telling him his gf is pregnant.

And it will take $300 to take care of it. Father is unhappy but pays up. Couple of months later his other son comes to him with same story. Father, again upset, pays up again. Couple of months later his daughter comes to him telling him she's pregnant. "Finally!" exclaims the father, "now we'll get ...

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

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Imagine telling someone you're bisexual.

Pessimist: That doubles the number of people who are going to reject you.

Optimist: That doubles the number of people you can date.

Realist: 2 times 0 is still 0.

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

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Three Russians are telling jokes about Stalin.

Three Russians are telling jokes about Stalin. After lots of laughs, suddenly one of them pulls out a KGB card and says: « you two are coming with me! »

The second pulls out a KGB card and says: « Not me! »

The third one pulls one also and says: « comrades, there are too many of us ...

My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you .

I kept telling a joke about people how are going to die.

Sadly, it got old.

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

People keep telling me I have a superiority complex. I don't think that's true

I'm just better than everyone else!

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

Somewhere right now, maybe Mexico or Bavaria, there is a tuba player telling his girlfriend..

\- "No, Baby, don't say 'Daddy,' it's 'Oom Pa-Pa'"

Everyone is telling the Helium joke, but what do you get when you add Helium to Tellurium?

……..TeHe!

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

Two guys are at a party and are waiting in line for a drink, telling jokes to pass the time...

Suddenly one of them receives an Amazon parcel.

"Well that was an unexpected punch line delivery!"

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

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I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

I was just telling my friend about an emotional time buying a car...

It was a Saab story

My friend was telling me about Xenomorphs and Facehuggers....

It's all Alien to me.

Gynecologists and midwives are good at telling jokes

It's all about the delivery.

A guys says to a blonde girl, "Tell me you're blonde without telling ne you're blonde."

"I'm blonde"

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

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I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

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A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue.

A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not

The Queen nods in assent, saying “you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when you hold her naked in your arms. For your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz tha...

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I used to be good at telling jokes...

But now I just punch up the fuck line.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

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One old man telling another old man a story...

“Did I ever tell you about the time I encounterd a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere, a grizzly bear jumped out at me! AAAAHHHH!”

“Wow! So what happened?”

“I crapped my pants.”

“Well, that’s und...

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

Telling a 6 year old girl that Jesus is watching her is tolerable,

but telling her Jesus is watching her when she’s 16 is creepy.

The first joke I remember my mother telling me over 50 years ago:

How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?

Two in the front, two in the back.

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

What's in common with Chinese Rockets and telling morbid jokes to my friends?

They never land properly.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

So my wife is fed up with my dad jokes and asked me to stop telling them.

Me: how do you want me to stop?
Wife: whatever means necessary.
Me: ...? No it doesn't.

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