Telling Jokes - 55 Hilarious Telling Jokes

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest.

So I entered her.

People keep telling me I'm going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.

Fortunately the ground stops me every time .

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.

When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

I had an email from the state lottery telling me I'm a loser

I didn't even buy a ticket!

Telling a Chuck Norris joke to Chuck Norris is dangerous...

If he doesn't like the joke you'll be dead before you told it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

I keep telling my dad we're out of milk

The idiot just won't stop coming back with more instead of taking the hint

I always tell the punchline first.

Why am I so bad at telling jokes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A veteran was telling his friend about the first time he jumped out of an airplane.

I was at the door and ready to jump when suddenly i froze in terror. The Sargent came up and screamed “if you don’t jump right now I’m shoving my dick right up your ass”. His friend asked “well, did you jump?” The veteran said “yeah, a little bit at first”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist at a comedy show is telling blonde jokes...

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the crowd stands up.

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like this? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you that keep women like me from being res...

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

I was telling jokes at a bar filled with LGBTQ+ people

I was doing such a good job nobody could keep a straight face.

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist so when they ask, "What do you do for a living?” I reply...

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

My friends down here in Texas keep telling me about the sun having an eclipse.

I couldn't see anything, though. The moon was in the way the entire time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first joke I remember my father telling me.

A woman is just getting out of the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?"

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the bl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So you are telling me that you only had sex with squares?

\- Yes, why? Am I missing out?
\- Well, fuck around and find out

Telling jokes about pizza is hard.

It's all in the delivery.

My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

I love telling dad jokes...

Sometimes he laughs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket by telling the women officer she looked stunning..

Then I fucked up by telling her "and that's not even the drinks talking".

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.

Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

People keep telling me that alcohol isn't a solution

but I've asked my chemist friends and they all reassure me that it is.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.