Procrastinators are constantly mad at themselves about how they keep procrastinating and telling themselves that they'll "do better tomorrow"

But that's a story for another day

People keep telling me I have a superiority complex. I don't think that's true

I'm just better than everyone else!

My friend was telling me about Xenomorphs and Facehuggers....

It's all Alien to me.

Me and my wife decided we don't want children.

We will be telling them tonight.

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

Adult life is nothing but waiting for your IT ticket to be resolved...

...I tried rebooting now all I see is this blue screen with text telling me about my car’s extended warranty

The Little Old Lady.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

I demanded that my German friend told me what "nein" meant.

He kept on telling me no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

A farmer walks in his kitchen with a duck under his arm...

He looks at his wife and says "that's the pig I've been telling you about"


For the wife to respond "Deer, that's a duck."


The farmer cuts back "I was talking to the duck."

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired woman jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology....

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

I was shocked today when I heard my neighbor..

.. telling his son the difference between Email and Gmail.

He said Email is when you use Electricity to send mail while Gmail is when you use Generator to send mail.

I'm still struggling to catch my breath.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One old man telling another old man a story...

“Did I ever tell you about the time I encounterd a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere, a grizzly bear jumped out at me! AAAAHHHH!”

“Wow! So what happened?”

“I crapped my pants.”

“Well, that’s und...

Thanks for telling me the definition of many,

It means a lot.

One for you, one for me

On the outskirts of a small Panhandle town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out  of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,”  said one boy. Severa...

I went to the grocery store

I finished my shopping, and proceeded to the checkout line.

In line ahead of me, there was an older lady who kept glancing at me. After a few moments she apologized, telling me that I reminded her of her daughter, whom she had just lost a few days ago in a car accident. I felt so horrible fo...

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