[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
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6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

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A ventriloquist was performing in a club telling dumb blonde jokes...

With his dummy on his knee, he begins his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the audience stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a person's hair...

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal,

(Told to me by my friend Dave)

I love telling Dad Jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language...

They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.

Jerry Seinfeld had to quit telling his jokes from a hot air balloon.

They all went over our heads.

People are always telling me that “mean” and “rude” have the same definitions. So I ask them,

"what do you rude?"

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My husband kept telling me to lower my voice during sex

I never understood his batman fetish.

What did the jar say when I put a lid on it after telling it I wouldn't do that

I feel lid on

People are always telling me to live my dream...

... but I don't **want** to take an exam I haven't studied for...

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

I thought about telling you a Covid-19 joke.

But there's 99.62% chance you won't get it.

Thanks random person for the award.

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic

But jokes on him, he's not real

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

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Two old men are sitting around telling stories...

“Did I ever tell you about my run-in with a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere a grizzly bear jumped out at me! RAWRRRRRRR!”

“Oh my god! What happened?”

“I crapped my pants”

“Well, that’s understa...

I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.

Then it hit me.

Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much

I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?

I was telling a joke to a Vegan but she didn't like it.

Apparently, the joke was too cheesy.

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way. They decided to switch things up by giving all the jokes a number each and just saying the joke's number instead of telling the whole joke, making things more efficient and different.

One day they sit together and tell some jokes.
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My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.

"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

My son said, “The manual is telling me not to turn up the stereo to full volume.”

I said, “That’s....sound advice.”

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I can't sleep at night because I keep hearing my therapist telling me I have attachment issues

I really need to soundproof my basement

My mate with a stutter was telling us a story about his nan.

By the end, we were all singing Hey Jude.

A father is telling his son some berry good jokes.

Father: What do you call a sad strawberry?

Son: What?

Father: A blueberry!

Son: That's the worse joke you told me.

Father: Well that was berry rude of you to say!

Tired of telling my wife what to do.

We were working in the yard and she kept asking how to do one thing after another. I finally said, "just pretend I'm dead and do what you want."
Then she got out her phone and started calling friends to have a celebration.

My father kept telling me success stories of children of cab drivers.....

So I asked him to start driving a cab.

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

People keep telling me to speak to someone about my mental issues

I do! I talk to myself all the time!

I broke up with my girlfriend two years ago and started drinking. I became an alcoholic. My friends keep telling me it's been two years now.

I should stop celebrating.

What's the best thing about telling a coronavirus joke?

Everyone will get it eventually.

A girl just finished telling her problem to a dictionary, thesaurus and an atlas...

The dictionary replied, "I know what you mean"

The thesaurus said, "I feel the same way"

And the atlas said, "I can see where you're coming from"

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

Did you hear about the bacon cheeseburger who couldn’t stop telling jokes?

It was on a roll.

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about

how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

I tell it in the wrong order.

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

I hate it when people come knocking on your door telling you that, "You must be saved or you'll burn"

Stupid Firemen.

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A man is telling his friend about the time he had sex while camping

His friend says "that must've been fucking intents"

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender...

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender and is explaining how much money he is losing on his latest play. He knows it's no good but feels if he could get some awards people would start talking about it and wanting to go see it. He just needs to figure out a way to get this play to win...

My girlfriend was telling me about how quarantine must be rough for beautiful people, since the people around them are finally realizing that they have no personality.

Jokingly, I laugh and say, "Yeah, it's been a ride awakening for me."

She sorta gives me the side eye, snorts, and says, "Why the hell did you think I was talking about you?"

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

Thanks for telling me the meaning of plethora

It means a lot

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

My wife said, “You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious?”

I said, “I’m not kidding you.”

Why are Austrians so good at telling jokes?

They live in hill-areas.

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art.

“Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

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I keep telling myself not to jack off

But then I came to my senses...

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