Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

I can't remember how to write 1, 100, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Friend: Wow really?!

Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of Capitalism.

I’m trying to write a joke about hurricanes

But at the moment it is just a draft.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

Why don’t the people who write jokes on this sub get drunk at parties?

Because they don’t know how a punchline works.

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending ...

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

He doesn't like Capitalism

Could you imagine if Trump actually tried to write his own autobiography?

It would be a self writing joke

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he didn't write anything on the left side of the picture though.

He said, "Alright, I'll write all right."

What kind of book does a cow write in?

A dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor is about to write a prescription for his patient.

The Dr reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer. He looks at it confused for a second and then looks at the patient and says, shit, some asshole must have my pen!

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

What would you write for a dead astronaut?

An Orbituary.

My friend writes songs about sewing machines...

Yes...He's a Singer songwriter....or sew it seams !!

Did you hear about the crime-fighting vigilante who retired to write crime novels?

She's now a writer of wrongs

Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am trying to quit alcohol and I was told to write I will not come home drunk. Here is my progress.

Day 1 "I will not come home drunk."

Day 2 "I will not home come drunk"

Day 3 "I will no hoe come drunk"

Day 4 "I will hoe come drunk"

Day 5: "Will I hoe com drink?"

Day 6: "I will drink cum hoe?"

Why shouldn’t you write with a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

I heard a good way to let go of anger is write letters to the people you hate, and burn them.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with all the letters.

My wife said, “Why don’t you stop with your terrible jokes and write a book instead?”

I said, “That’s .....a novel idea.”

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard that reddit can measure your penis and write the assessment in the flair?!

How does it do it?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

I forgot how to write concise statements

It's a real pithy

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach.

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.


The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes into the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.


The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. T...

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

What did Capt. Ahab’s son write on his father’s cast?

“Get whale soon"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A journalist decides he wants to write a book about shepherds. So, he decides to travel the world to interview different shepherds.

His first stop is somewhere in the plains of Asia and he finds a lonely sheep herder, tending his flock.

“Hi sir, I am writing a book about shepherds like yourself, all across the world. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions?”

The shepherd nods.

“Well I notice it’s just you an...

If Trump Recovers, He Will Write A Book About His Quarantine Experience And How He Got Through It.

The Art Of The Heal

What did the cows write on their protest signs when the farmer made them social distance due to COVID?

We just want to be herd.

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars.

5 minutes before the bell, Bob handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Bob!" yelled the teacher. "You've done nothing. Why?"

"Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do."

My friend writes articles in Medium.

I just hope she makes it large .

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", "ass", or "damn?"

In cursive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

Is it possible to write a book only using 2 characters?

Yes just have it revolve around 2 people.

What do you call it when a car writes its life story?

An auto-biography!

Who do you call a bee who writes legislation?

A pollintician.

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

Read carefully, because I am only going to write this once...

this

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

My new pen is amazing. It writes UNDERWATER.

Among other words.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get paid to write poop jokes all day long and post them here on reddit. Personally, I don’t really like doing my job...

Butt duty calls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist asked me to write letters to the people who have wronged me and then set them on fire.

I wrote it and set them on fire. Now what should I do with the letters?

P.S: Not OC. Taken from r/AskRedditAfterDark. As I was not allowed to crosspost posting as OC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom was asked to write an essay about family

Tom wasn’t a very bright boy. So when he got home he went to ask his mother for help. His mother sees a stray cat outside attacking her plants to which she whispers “You son of a bitch it’s on” looks at Tom and replies “I’m busy, bother someone else.” Tom writes that down.


Tom then went t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

Um idk what to write so hi

A flight attendant sees a man watching a movie she sees he is only using captions so she walks up to him

Flight attendant: Hello would you like some headphones

Man: Of course i would but how did you know my name was phones?

Anyone know how to write an original joke that doesn't rely on an overused punchline?

Asking for a friend.

Want to know the easiest and laziest way to write subtitles?

\[inaudible\]

I was trying to write a joke about Buddhism

But nothing came to mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

I love write in notebooks which have margins,

But blank one's is where I have to draw the line.

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

When you turn 100, the Queen writes to you..

When you turn 16, Prince Andrew sends you a txt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Before the Mother's day, the teacher gives her class an assignment to write an essay about their mothers.

"Mothers are really important in our lives," she says, "so I want you to write an essay titled "I've only got one mom".

The next day the teacher asks the kids to read their essay aloud. Little Samuel goes first:

"My mom works two jobs to take care of my sister and me, and she gets real...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

I want Treach to write a book but only under two conditions.

1. He uses the pen name Nature

2. He titles the book Naughty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I want to write a memoir about how my medication makes me thirsty all the time. Thinking about calling it “My Life as a Desiccant”.

Don’t think I will, though; I’m worried that readers might think it’s too dry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

I want to write a book on Humility

I am sure it will be a best seller

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Hitler write Mein Kampf while in prison?

It was a struggle

Writing the script for the Tetris movie must be hard,

Every time they write a line, it disappears.

People write Congrats.

Because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

You know why you write “etc.” in the exam?

It’s because it stands for “end of thinking capacity.”

A teacher asked her students to write an essay about " what would I do if I were CEO of a company"

She notices one of the kids is just looking out the window. So she askes him "Why are you not writing your essay?"

He answers :"I'm waiting for my secretary to come and type it for me"

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Where does an angry goat write down its problems?

On the ram-page

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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