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A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...
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Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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I really wanted to write a joke about my successful transition surgery.

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...
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Someone told me to write a haiku for them. I was like,

"I'm not doing that. Write your own goddam haiku." The nerve of some folks.
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When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'
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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID
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I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
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My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”

This was Johnny’s response:

My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.

The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The...
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Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...
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Dear people who don’t write capital letters,

We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...
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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated capitalism.
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Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”
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My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...
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Farm kid writes letter home after joining Marines....

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am ge...

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
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I invented a pen that can write underwater

And it writes a lot of other words, too!
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Why shouldn't you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.
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What do you call a chicken that writes mystery novels?

Eggatha Christie
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Little Johnny wants a BMX bike, so he gets down on his knees and writes a letter to God....

It says 'Dear God. If I'm good for one month will you get me a BMX bike?'

He carefully folds the letter and leaves it at the end of the bed. He lies down under the covers and thinks for a moment. One month is too long to be good. He gets up and tears up the letter and writes another one. 'Dea...
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Two recovering alcoholics decided to write a song together...

but they couldn't get past the first two bars.
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HELP: Trying to write a joke

I hope this doesn't go against any sub rules. I'm ok if it gets deleted.

So, I had an idea pop into my head last night, and I need some help in fleshing out the body of the joke.

It would go something like this:

A man and his son are walking near (body of water) on Christmas Day...
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Do Russians only write in lower case letters?

I mean, they hate Capitalism.
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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.
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I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.
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"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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Mark Zuckerberg writes poetry about writing poetry

He calls it Meta verse.
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I want to write about what's happening on reddit...

...but I can't spell "drama" without "AMA."
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I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter
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I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."
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I was going to write a joke about your lack of stature...

...but it would probably just go over your head.
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An infinite number of monkeys on an infinite number of keyboards happen to write the perfect joke

The joke is reposted.
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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

I wanted to write a complaint to a company about their poorly trained staff.

But nobody could find me a form.
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What sort of dinosaur writes romance novels?

A Brontësaurus
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I’ve been wondering why no one gets the jokes I write

Then I looked down at my pencil and realized I didn’t really have a point.
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For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"

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I want to write a children's book

It's called "Only You Poop and it's Wrong"

Snoopy writes a Batman comic book.

"He is the Dark and Stormy Knight..."
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Struggling to write a new joke about the Jonestown Massacre.

I always mess up the punch.
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I had just popped into a shop and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

I said what the fuck are you doing?

He said the car is illegally parked.

I told him he's a pig.

So then he writes another ticket for a bald tyre.

I told him he's likes fucking hitler.

So he then writes another ticket for a defective wiper blade.

I said fuck ...

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
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My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

He doesn't like Capitalism
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What book did Tarzan write?

Lord of the Swings
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Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner
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Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...
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Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...
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I used to write all my jokes in Microsoft Word.

But then Clippy said, "It looks like you're trying to be funny."
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A doctor goes to write a prescription...

He reaches into his pocket to take out his pen, but finds a rectal thermometer instead. Annoyed, he complains, "Some asshole stole my pen!"

What do bugs write on?

Flypaper!
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What happened to the writer who could only write with consonants

He was disemvoweled
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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

What do you call someone who writes Death Metal music?

A Decomposer
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My professor made me write a 30 page essay on differentiates an integer from a decimal...

I said that there's no point
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I have a friend who writes lyrics about sewing machines

She is a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams

They'll keep you bobbin your head.
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If I ever write a on how to become a ventriloquist, I would title it:

Ventriloquism for dummies.


Credit to u/Mezz7778
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I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho
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I was taking my English final and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”.

I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.
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why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!
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I'm going to write a book about a man who makes love to a clock

It's about fucking time

I dreamt that I had to write my own epitaph...

... That's a grave sign.

(I made up this joke and I nope no-one else has done it before me.)
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A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"
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While practicing writing with my kids, we wanted to write the word FUNGUS, but ended up writing FUNGI instead...

There wasn't Mushroom on the page.
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Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is.”

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, ...

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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

Pirate Ship Captain: Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I captain.
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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.
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How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.
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Can you write with a tampon?

Only periodically.

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...
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Graffiti artist writes on the wall:

Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He clea...
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Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.
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Why men don't write advice to the lovelorn columns:

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel...
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Whenever I’m leaving a party, I write my name on a piece of paper, and hand it to the host.

That’s my signature move.
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