This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

I can’t remember how to write 1,1000,51,6 and 500 in Roman numerals...

IM LIVID

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless

Why are you not allowed to write anything in r/harrypotter today?

No Post on Sundays

I know a guy who writes reviews of hippopotamuses despite the fact he always told me he was against rating animals.

He’s a hippo-crit.

“Officer, you can’t write me a ticket. I have to run a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

I should write that down.

That.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was about to write a joke about shoving a banana up my ass...

But it seemed too banal.

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

What do witch doctors write their letters in?

Cursive

I want to write a rock opera about Rosa Parks; to be performed by AC/DC.

It'll be called Black in Back.

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor pulls out his pad to write when he notices...

...that he’s holding a rectal thermometer. He thinks to himself, “Well, some asshole’s got my pen.”

I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

The class had to write a short, rhyming, two-lines poem as homework.

Lisa stands up and proudly recites :



*Yesterday, my Dad and I we went to town*

*And I got a nice blue bike of my own.*



"That's a lovely poem, Lisa!" says the teacher.

Now it's Timmy's turn. He stands up and recites theatrically :



*When octob...

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

Because he hated Capitalism

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

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Where did E. L. James learn to write “50 Shades of Grey”?

AP Cliterature

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

You ever meet the kind of person who wants to write an autobiography?

Really says a lot about a person

What did the cocaine addict write in their meme they posted?

Thanks for snorting by new.

Write the expression for the volume of a thick pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

*pi * z * z * a*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bigfoot’s Wife called me to write his obituary

I said “more like ‘Oh bitch you hairy!’”



Needless to say I was uninvited to the funeral

Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

What key does R Kelly like to write his music in?

A Minor

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"



A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:



"In a foste...

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

Everyone wants to write jokes about Alabama

But no one in Alabama will ever read them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

Yesterday i said I would write two jokes

jokes jokes




Jk anti vaxers and flat Earth people

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

I once met a deer who could write with both hands.

It was Bambidextrous.

An amateur poet attempted to write a novel.

Unfortunately, he failed because novels are for pros.

A very cheap widow goes to a newspaper industry to write a eulogy for her late husband

"Alright," says the newspaper guy. "I'm sorry for your loss. It'll be one dollar per word."

The widow clutches her heart in shock, then says, "Fine. 'Husband died'."

"Sorry, ma'am, but the eulogy has to be a minimum of five words."

The woman sighs in exasperation and replies, "F...

Now that Game of Thrones is ending, you know who my dad thinks should write pirate books?

George "Arrre Arrre" Martin

I'm sorry.

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

I have a pen that can write reposts!

It can’t write anything else though

Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

Once upon a time a doctor writes a funny joke

Damn. Only pharmacist laughed so hard.

I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

The founder of Toyota wanted to name his son Yota so the he can write him a letter starting with

To,yota

why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

Homie: Do you know how to write "s" in morse code?

Me: ...

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said "Ok, I'll produce"

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, i'll write, I'll write."

‪A student dies from exhaustion after being forced to write 1,000 lines on the chalkboard in detention.‬

Later in court, the judge rules that the teacher be given an equal punishment.

So the teacher is sentenced to death.

An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he real...

I was going to write a joke about sodium...

But then I was like Na. I won’t

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

[NSFW] My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

I gave her a clipboard. I’m such a nice brother.

I got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet

I call it my diarrhea

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?

I have actually written one

Or have i?

I am sorry i wont do this again

Or wil i?

I keep trying to write a joke about the Kraft scandal...

...but they all end up too cheesy.

When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

A teacher has his students write an essay on, "What is bravery?" - one kid's entire essay was:

"That first time when this joke was told and one kid turned in his essay and it just said *"This is"* on it. That was classic!"

Buddhists never write R.I.P on the gravestones

All of them just say BRB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"

Clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

New York city, how many letter does it take to write that?

4 (that)

My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions.

He can't be right.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

Dad can you write without watching?

Dad: yes

Son: Good, can you just sign my grade paper right here

I'm going to write an essay on procrastination...

I haven't got around to it yet though

A man writes an OP-ED for his local newspaper.

He goes into great detail explaining why everyone in his town is an idiot and they are ugly too.

Unsurprisingly, it gets a VERY strong reaction. People hate him!

So the next week he calls up his local paper and asks them to publish his OP-ED again in the next week's paper.

th...

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille?

Caution hot surface

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