A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

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My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

An old farmer writes his son...

An old farmer writes his son (who is in prison) a letter and he tells his son that he won't be planting potatoes this year because there is no way he can dig up the field by himself. His son writes back and tells his his dad that there's no way he can dig up the field cause that's where he hid all t...

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

My son’s dyslexic, and every year at Christmas, he gets all excited and writes his little list of all the presents he wants, and then he goes and sends it off to Satan.

Well, actually I send it off to Satan because he can’t spell.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.

He's a Singer songwriter.

Or sew it seams.

Why did Shakespeare write in ink?

Pencils were confusing to him. 2B or not 2B?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you write with a tampon?

Only periodically.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I Keep The Letters?

A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket...

The farmer notices some flies buzzing around annoying the officer. The policeman is shooing flies more than he's writing.
The farmer says "I see you're being bothered by those circle flies."

The policeman says, "If that's what you call them, yes, they are somewhat annoying."

The far...

I'm trying to write this pun about yoga

But it's just not working out

Ya I know it's a stretch

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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and burn them

I did the latter. Now what do I do with the letters?

Why are Poets Who Write Idylls So Good?

They have to be well-versed in their field.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

While practicing writing with my kids, we wanted to write the word FUNGUS, but ended up writing FUNGI instead...

There wasn't Mushroom on the page.

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

I created an AI that analyzed everything submitted to /r/Jokes over the past year, then I had it write its own joke. Here is that joke.

EXC_BAD_ACCESS (code=1, address=0x0)

One the first day of class, the professor writes their name on the chalkboard and says "Welcome to Anthropology 101. Every student here is guaranteed to pass because of how little I care about teaching..."

"Seriously folks, I don't give an F."

Why should you not write notes with a dull pencil?

Because it's pointless.

How do you write a 21st birthday message for a guy when you only really know two things about him, that he’s an anti-vaxxer and that he likes Fozzie Bear? So far I’ve only got the first two lines.

“You would’ve been 21 today. Wokka wokka.”

I have an excellent pen. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too very well.

Pirate Leader: Can someone tell me how to write 2 in Roman numerals?

Crew: I I Captain.

Do you think they would write a book about Ellen Page's transformation into Elliot?

They really should.

It would be a real Page-turner

I love the Dave joke so much I decided to write a sequel

At first Dave’s boss in in complete disbelief at Dave’s popularity. But he slowly comes to his senses. He reasons that Dave couldn’t possibly know *every* person. Nevertheless, if he wants to catch Dave, naming people out of the blue isn’t working. He has to come up with a new strategy. He sits down...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS...

**THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.**

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember thing...

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

A cop pulls over a married couple on the highway.

Officer says to the husband, who was driving, "I'm pulling you over because I clocked you doing 65 in a 50."

"That's impossible officer, I had cruise control set to 55."

The wife chimes in "Ted, you know the cruise control doesn't work."

"Shut up woman!" shouts the husband.
<...

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of Capitalism.

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Friend: Wow really?!

Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.

Old Soviet Joke

Picked this up from a collection of Soviet-era jokes

\*\*\*

Q: "Why do the secret police patrol in groups of three?"

A: "That way there's always one who can read, and one who can write."

Q: "What about the third?"

A: "Someone's got to keep an eye on the two dangero...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

A group of Soviet tourists takes express-lesson of Italian before departure.

-Write a couple of phrases in Italian - tour guide says - such as: ''How much does lemonade cost?'', ''Where is the pharmacy?''

One of the tourists asks:
-How do I say ''Please, provide me a political asylum''?

-What have you just said? - asks another tourist seriously.

-Nev...

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a CONCISE essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.

The only "A+" in the class read:

"My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

He doesn't like Capitalism

What did the physicist write in his suicide note before he jumped off a tall building?

I had so much potential, but i let it all down

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

My son is dyslexic. Every year he writes his Christmas wishlist...

...and sends it off to Satan.

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

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My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer was out by his barn, repairing a fence.

A young hen came near him, pecking at the ground. He was surprised when he thought he heard a “psst”. The farm looked around and saw no one, so he continued his work.

Then he heard it, clear as day. “Hey. Down here.”

The farmer looked down and saw the hen looking at him.

“Did y...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

My wife said, “Why don’t you stop with your terrible jokes and write a book instead?”

I said, “That’s .....a novel idea.”

Old soviet joke

The new soviet leader has just taken power.

The former leaders says to him ‘I have left you two letters. When you get into problems open the first letter. If you still have problems open the second letter”.

About 1 year into his leadership things are going badly for the new guy. He t...

The teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his.

It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

What author could write the best book on extracting mercury from the earth?

Hg Wells

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

I’m trying to write a joke about hurricanes

But at the moment it is just a draft.

Why don’t the people who write jokes on this sub get drunk at parties?

Because they don’t know how a punchline works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard that reddit can measure your penis and write the assessment in the flair?!

How does it do it?!

What kind of book does a cow write in?

A dairy.

A man is making funeral arrangements...

He goes to the funeral director and plans his father's funeral very promptly. He tells the funeral director to make this a fancy funeral and to get the best of the best.

The funeral director writes up a quote and gives it to the man. The man pays in cash right then right there.

The fun...

I was so happy when I finally found a great ghostwriter for a book I'd like to write.

It didn't work out though because the pen kept falling through its fingers.

The Great Whitfield County Mishap

A redneck sheriff in Whitfield County, Georgia comes upon an accident. The car is totaled, the driver has been decapitated, and his head is lying in on the side of the boulevard.

The sheriff gets out his notepad to document the accident. After detailing the rest of the scene, he gets to the h...

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.

After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.

He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself tied up and looks dow...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

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