I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS

My sister asked for something hard to write on...

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

I have a pen that can write underwater...

it can write other words too

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

I'm having a little trouble falling asleep so I figured I'd write a joke

a joke

Tomorrow I'll write two jokes

Everyone wants to write jokes about Alabama

But no one in Alabama will ever read them.

Yesterday i said I would write two jokes

jokes jokes




Jk anti vaxers and flat Earth people

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

What key does R Kelly like to write his music in?

A Minor

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

Now that Game of Thrones is ending, you know who my dad thinks should write pirate books?

George "Arrre Arrre" Martin

I'm sorry.

I've was commissioned to write a bunch of anti-vaxxer autobiographys

Turned out to be a bunch of short stories

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

My pen broke. I just tried to write number 11...

But two ones won't make it write

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

###IM LIVID

Professor: What inspired you to write this essay?

Student: The due date.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"

​

A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:

&#x...

For my PhD thesis, I wanted to write the best researched paper about General Relativity

But I ran out of time so I failed.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said "Ok, I'll produce"

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, i'll write, I'll write."

Once upon a time a doctor writes a funny joke

Damn. Only pharmacist laughed so hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An author with writers block decided to go to the woods to clear his head and write his next great book.

He’s alone for 2 months and making progress. One day, while hiking, he sees a burly woodsman chopping a tree. The woodman waved him over and they chat a bit. The woodsman invites the author over to his cabin for a party. The author thinks it’ll be great, he hasn’t had any company in 2 months.
...

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

‪A student dies from exhaustion after being forced to write 1,000 lines on the chalkboard in detention.‬

Later in court, the judge rules that the teacher be given an equal punishment.

So the teacher is sentenced to death.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write a whitepaper on my results.

It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter.”

Homie: Do you know how to write "s" in morse code?

Me: ...

I got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet

I call it my diarrhea

[NSFW] My sister asked me for something hard to write on.

I gave her a clipboard. I’m such a nice brother.

I've been learning to write jokes and my girlfriend gave me 4/5 for my last attempt. That attempt was:

Joces.

why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

My friend Eric believes his true purpose in life is to write put-downs on the back of kitchen tiles

He calls it his Eric-tile diss-function

An old bear is about to write in his journal... (Translated from Chinese)

And he finds that he has no more pages left, so he decides to go get a new one. It's already midnight but he goes out anyway. He gets on his bike and rides into the dark streets. After a long time, he finally finds a bookstore that's still open, so he goes inside. He finds a new journal that he real...

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless



(I'll show myself out)

A teacher has his students write an essay on, "What is bravery?" - one kid's entire essay was:

"That first time when this joke was told and one kid turned in his essay and it just said *"This is"* on it. That was classic!"

I wanna write a mystery novel

Or do i?

I have actually written one

Or have i?

I am sorry i wont do this again

Or wil i?

I keep trying to write a joke about the Kraft scandal...

...but they all end up too cheesy.

My left-handed friend writes weird answers to questions.

He can't be right.

I was going to write a joke about sodium...

But then I was like Na. I won’t

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Buddhists never write R.I.P on the gravestones

All of them just say BRB

When I was 6, I had a magical rock that could write on cars...

My dad didn't like my magical rock...

A man writes an OP-ED for his local newspaper.

He goes into great detail explaining why everyone in his town is an idiot and they are ugly too.

Unsurprisingly, it gets a VERY strong reaction. People hate him!

So the next week he calls up his local paper and asks them to publish his OP-ED again in the next week's paper.

th...

Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People who write "burro" when they mean "burrow"

Clearly don't know their ass from a hole in the ground

A got a job helping write an instruction booklet

It’s mostly manual labor.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?

“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

I keep meaning to write my memoirs, but never get around to it.

It's my oughta biography

Why do we write T-Rex instead of Tyrannosaurus?

Because its a shorthand

[Possible OC] What's the worst thing to write in Braille?

Caution hot surface

Trump's nothing like Hitler.

There's no way he could write a book.

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

What do you write when you want to ask Mark something?

Question mark.

My business partner "Steve" completed her transition to Stephanie, so we had to re-write our contract...

It's now a trans-specific partnership.

I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

What's the shortest biography you can write for a convicted murderer?

A life sentence.

If you are old enough to write articles on anti-vaccination

Your parents probably made the right choice, unfortunately it was on you.

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare...

...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

He always writes these things on Fridays...

My neighbors journal says I have “Boundary Issues”

What do you call a zombie that writes music...?

Decomposer.

An illiterate man writes a book

The end.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write..."

I thought, "That's unlikely"...

It's a basic skill isn't it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear people who don’t write capital letters,

We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

How do you write a bestseller?

Just get fired from the Trump administration

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

My girlfriend asked me to write down the name of every girl I've ever slept with.

I don't think it helped when I wrote 'prologue'.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

Why did Shakespeare write only using quills?

Pencils confused him - 2B or not 2B.

I wanted to write a skincare joke, but it just kept getting longer and longer, with more and more steps...

So I thought I'd just keep it pimple.

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

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