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Careful Jokes

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

Sharing is caring.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his...

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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Be careful of strange phone calls.

I just had a random guy phone me asking if I wanted to meet

up with him and compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo never showed up.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

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Genie: maybe you should be more careful with your last wish

No shit!

And that's how I ended up with this giant cork in my ass!

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

What is the difference between a careless and a careful driver?

One is reckless and the other is wreck-less.

Be careful what you ask for

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 12 beautiful women. He slams a bag of gold down and says, " Bartender, drinks for everyone".

The bartender just finished setting up drinks for everyone at the bar when suddenly a 12 inch tall man jumped out from the rich guys jacket and runs down the len...

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

Be careful of woman who say you're a good catch.

They'll try to clean you and remove your spine.

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Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

I met a girl at a bar and we went back to hers and started making out on the sofa, she gave me a cheeky look and said ''I think we should take this upstairs''

Ok, I said, you carry one end and I'll get the other, be careful getting through the doorframe and we'll come back down for the cushions.

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Be Careful what you dream of

A Couple in bed in the morning

She: i had a nice dream this night

He: really what was about?

She: i was dreaming going to Ikea and do shoppping

He: oh nice..

She: what about you, did you had any dream?

He: yes, i was dreaming doing sex with two girls simulta...

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A women is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in…

Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror.

"Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"

The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.

"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"...

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

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Your penis is just like your signature

You should be very careful where you put it

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

Why should you be careful around train conductors?

Because they have locomotives.

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

Be careful of stairs...

They always seem like they’re up to something.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

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Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

You should always be careful using the bathroom around a pirate....

They become irate whenever someone takes a pee.

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Careful Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whol...

Be careful around angry squids

They tentacle

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

Be careful hiking...

Hiking in the Ozark National Forest last weekend, I came upon a bear, and could not remember the proper course of action. Instead of playing dead I played *dad*.

Now that bear can ride a bike without training wheels.

What do you call a careful wolf?

awarewolf

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NSFW Be careful not to buy Viagra from Russian sources

They are attempting to meddle in our erections.

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Be careful who you talk to about religion in West Virginia

You could be talking about sects with a miner!

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A warning to all you drivers at Christmas

Be careful about drunk driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit...

Be careful, this ones an antique

A Soviet citizen has spent a few years saving up to buy a new car. Finally he gets his 10,000 rubles together and heads to the state office. He diligently fills out all the paperwork and hands it over the desk with the rubles. The official behind the desk looks it over for a minute, counts the money...

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

Be careful handling glassware as they are likely to break today

because today is Shatterday.

It's important to read dating profiles carefully

I just got back from an evening with the smelliest person ever. My bad, I thought she said she was "aromantic".

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Be careful having phone sex

You may get hearing AIDS

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Be extra careful on the roads with Thanksgiving & Christmas around the corner.

A lot of men will be drinking and getting their wives to drive.

You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised

If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

Just one, but be careful, or this could get weird

How many time travelers does it take to change a light bulb?

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Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years la...

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Be careful with NASA’s toilet paper...

It will leave rings around your anus.

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

Be careful about buying tickets to a joust

There are always a lot of Sir charges.

You've got to be careful while making jokes about Pakistani food on Reddit.

You don't want to end up with bad Korma.

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms

If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Be careful when discussing child molestation.

It’s a touchy subject.

What's the most careful particle?

A caut ion.

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

Always be careful when renovating bathrooms

It’s all going well until the bank calls you talking about how urine debt

Be careful if you use the Bethesda duffel bag.

Your stuff might fallout.

With all this quarantining we have to be especially careful of drummers

When this is over they’re gonna come out thinking they can play guitar and sing

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Be careful what you wish for

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."

The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this wh...

Be careful on the roads tonight

Lots of people will be drinking excessively and letting their wives drive. Recipe for disaster.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

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You have to be extremely careful around everyone nowadays

I was walking down the street yesterday and a guy walked towards me and pulled out scissors. I'm so very happy I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. If I had pulled out paper, I would have lost!

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Be careful what you wish for

Two men are speeding through Saskatchewan when an RCMP officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the drivers window and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and SMACK! The officer clubs him on the head! "This is Saskatchewan, boy! when you get pulled over here you ...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

LPT: Be careful driving on New Years Eve

A lot of men will be drunk, so their wives and girlfriends will be the ones driving.

You have to be careful when having a foot fetish

There’s nothing worse than getting off on the wrong foot

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo...

Me: I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Damn....

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

News anchors should really be careful these days...

they're always breaking news.

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[NSFW] Be careful what you say

A newly-wed business man planned to go on a business trip and didn't want his wife to cheat on him because he couldn't pleasure her for 3 weeks. So he comes out of the house and goes to the nearest sex store. After asking the store owner what could pleasure his wife for the 3 weeks he was gone, the ...

What crime does a careful walnut engage in?

Safe cracking

You gotta be careful on social media these days.

I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

Be careful of black ice.

I rode my bike over some black ice once. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.

Careful what you wish for!

I don’t think I ever got over
my grandmother’s death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But n...

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