This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

I lost my job as a personal trainer recently, I’m just not strong enough.

So I put in my too weak notice.

Three pastors were discussing how they decide how much of the contribution of believers is allocated to God and to the activities of the church, and how much of it is for their personal benefits.

The first said: “it is simple, I just put everything on the table, close my eyes, and prays. After the prayer, I toss everything in the air, whatever lands on the table is for God, and whatever falls on the floor is for my personal use. The second said: “instead of a table, I draw a circle around ...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

I felt my personal trainer was being a bit of a bigot today…

When he told me his one rule was “no trans fats“.

After much consideration, I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I don't think I'm strong enough

So today I put in my too-weak notice

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How do you call a pair of boobs with personality?

Identitties.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

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I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go a...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

What do you call a personal message that motivates one to feel alive and do things?

Carpe DM

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A peasant was hired to be the king's personal masterbator and advisor

He became the king's right hand man

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and gathers your personal data, and the other is an industry standard.

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

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