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Personal Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Breaking News Trump’s personal library just burned down

The fire consumed both books and he hasn’t even finished coloring the second one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

A woman, tired of being alone, posts a personal ad

In the ad, she says she's looking for a man who won't beat her, won't walk out on her, and can please her in bed.

A few days later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and is surprised to find a man on her doorstep with no arms or legs. "I'm here about the personal ad," the man says casual...

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask waaaay too many personal questions

Like, "who's blood is this", and "where did you get it?"

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder

But that's impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a joke I wrote myself. It’s long, but I think it’s pretty good, personally…

This is a story about three friends who had known each other their whole lives.

They did everything together. You could not find one without the other two nearby. But, as so often happens, after graduation, they all went their separate ways. One of the friends went on to become a very success...

"I have a split personality."

...said Tom, being frank.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has a personal problem

A man is convinced of himself that he has sex problems. He constantly thinks about sex and he knows this ruins his life. One day, he finally goes to a psychiatrist, to try and fix whatever makes him think about sex constantly. She, the psychiatrist, agrees to try treating him.

\- Okay, let m...

Apparently Elton John has a personal trainer for his rabbit…

It’s a little fit bunny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

I don't think I'm strong enough anymore for my job as a personal trainer

So I guess I'll hand in my too weak notice

Any pizza is a personal pizza.

You just have to try hard, and believe in yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Personals ad...

A woman placed an ad looking for man, her only requirements was that he would never hit her, never walk out on her, and have an enormously long penis. After 2 weeks of rejecting enthusiastic suitors she began to give up hope of finding love. Finally one day a quadraplegic guy in a wheel chair rings ...

Just want to share a personal experience.

I've recently watched The Queens Gambit, and I cant stop thinking about the girl. Her eyes always remind me of my mother, and how far we've grown apart.

What brand of sports clothing do personal organizers wear?

Under Armoire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says my narcissism makes me misinterpret inter-personal communications

I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me!

I told my wife about a company offering personalized concrete busts, and asked her if she wanted to buy some.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves" she said

I've just beaten my personal best record at 100 metres sprint!

My record is now at 54 metres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attempted to beat a personal record and masturbate twenty times in one day...

And I actually managed to pull it off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

I just found out Albert Einstein was a real person

All this time I thought he was a theoretical physicist

My last girlfriend had 10 personalities and one day she just left me...

for 9 other guys.

What's Jesus' Myers-Briggs personality type?

INRI

You can relax a person with a type-A personality by removing their type-P traits...

I'm telling you, remove the P-ness from their A-ness and they calm right down

No matter how bad your personal situation is - alcohol is never the answer

Alcohol is the question, and "yes" is the answer.

Personally, i think that Tide pods are even better than advertised.

I mean, anything that can clean your clothes and the gene pool in the same product...

Personally, I like the new change to Twitter....

Personally, I like the new change to Twitter. They decided to rename the site after the little box you click when you wind up there.

You hit X.

Me: Mom, you're invading my personal space

Mom: Well, you came out of my personal space, so that makes us even.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change in the pulpit.

At home he was shy, quiet and retiring but in the church he was a real fire and brimstone orator, rousing the masses in the name of God. It was as if he was two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
"Ah," he said, "...

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