Learned Jokes - 92 Hilarious Learned Jokes

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

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I just learned the medical name for Viagra.

Mycoxaflopin

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

I just learned what BBC stood for.

It was a lot to take in.

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

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Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike

My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

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I learned recently that 9/10 men masturbate regularly

You don't want to know how the last guy does it...

Note: all my jokes I post here are originals I'm working on, so as always, feedback is good yadda yadda yadda

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:

Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

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I recently learned the meaning of threesome

It's when three people have sex together. And a foursome is the same, but with four people. Now i know, why my teacher always called me a handsome guy

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then the...

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Learned this one when I was 5

The elephant said to the camel: Haha! You have your tits on your back!
Then the camel answered: So what? You have your dick om your face!

(it was hilarious when I was 5, and I still giggle a bit when remembering it)

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.

I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Today I learned about the Astley paradox!

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP, he cannot give it to you as he will never give you up.

However, in doing so, he lets you down.

Thus creating the Astley Paradox.

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Just learned

the German word for constipation.

Farfrompoopen..

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with.

Verizon Wireless customer service.

I just learned that Peruvian Owls always hunt in pairs..

It's because they are Inca hoots.

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.

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I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

I learned about woodturning after my 30's

I was a lathe bloomer.

A teacher tells the students to each tell a true story that has a moral that they learned from one of their parents...

The teacher calls up a little girl, and she tells her story, "My dad is raises chickens for their eggs. One day he collected the eggs from his hens and put them all into a big basket. Then he put the basket into the back of his truck but as he was driving to market he hit a big bump in the road, whi...

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Today I learned that the Invisible Man has been masturbating to me

It came out of nowhere…

I just learned how much rainbows weigh.

It turns out they’re pretty light.

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In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did

So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson

A few days ago, I learned what confirmation bias meant.

Now I see it everywhere.

I've learned that "Chicken Kiev" is a misnomer

There's nothing chicken about them.

I wanted to go to vacation to Thailand but then I learned more about the place

So Phuket

(Wrote this one yesterday, let me know if it's been heard before)

My friend never learned to shave properly

I guess her mom didnt razor right

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself...

I just learned that ‘amused’ and ‘bemused’ don’t mean the same thing.

At first I laughed, but now I don’t know what to think!

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Did you hear the one about the giraffe who learned Karate?

He looked like a fucking idiot.

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

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I recently learned how to suck my own dick...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

Today I learned that the boomerang is Australia's biggest export

And also its biggest import.

I just learned Albert Einstein’s real

I always thought he was a theoretical physicist

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A dad from Appalachia asked his son what he learned in school that day. He said “the boys on the bus were saying the skin between your legs is the ‘taint’ but I don’t know why they were calling it that.”

The father replied, “well if I remember correctly from my learnin it’s because it t’aint the balls, but it t’aint quite the butthole either.”

I just learned about the roundest knight at the Round Table

I just learned about the roundest knight at the Round Table.

His name was Sir Cumfrince.

In school i hed learned three things:

Reeding and caunting.

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Things I learned today!

1) My penis is larger than the pens you get in the bank.
2) I’m not welcome in the bank anymore.

Today I learned that Dr. Seuss’ mom was a pioneer in physiotherapy.

Ma Seuss.

I learned something really cool today.

When Patrick Stewart was a small boy, he had a third ear growing on his forehead. Apparently it's a very very rare condition. So to make things worse, no matter how many surgeries he had, it always grew back.

So finally his parents go a hold of a surgeon in Manchester, who said that not only ...

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.

freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

Today I learned...

It’s not polite to greet a blind person with long time no see

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I was informed all my students learned from experience

that's why I decided to teach sex ed

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I spent time researching porn on the internet and learned I am a furry...

When I was deep in a rabbit hole.

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Today I learned two things!

The word narcoleptic and that I've been telling people I fuck dead bodies for years

I just learned today is International Joke Day.

But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

If there was one thing I had learned from Tetris,

Is that my mistakes pile up until the point I cant do anything about them anymore

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

Today I learned that both my parents (and their families) have a long history of cardiac problems

I'm heartbroken to say the least.

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I'm glad I learned how to masturbate.

It's come in handy.

I just learned how to lock pick

Its opened so many doors for me

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

Just learned that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas

If it were invented anywhere else it would have been call a teethbrush.

Ever since I first learned about confirmation bias

I've been seeing it everywhere.

My daughter came home from her first day at school and announced that she "learned how to make babies"

You drop the "y" and add "ies".

I just learned about Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon...

...and now I'm seeing it mentioned everywhere.

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

Today I Learned

Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

My wife asked me if I learned anything at my first Improv lesson.

I said no.

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Two brothers learn to swear

And they recently learned the F word. So during breakfast, one morning, they figured it would be cool to try it out on their dad. When Dad asked “hey kids, what would you like for breakfast?”, the eldest boy responds “Dad. Give us a bowl of fucking Wheaties!”.

Angered by this response the da...

Learning the birds and bees

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.

"A boy puts his peepee in a girls mouth, and a baby is made."

"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

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my whole family was astonished and terrified when we learned my grandfather was addicted to Viagra

Especially grandma, she's taking it very hard.

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This was the first long joke I ever learned. Interview with a pirate.

There was a pirate who had agreed to do an interview with a local tv station. The reporter was very courteous and professional, giving a bit of background as to the pirate's business. She then began interviewing him.

"So Mr. Longbeard, are there any risks to your business? I see you have a pe...

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One thing i learned about sex these past 24 years..

Is that i don't have any.

I learned how to yodel

-Knock knock.

--Who’s there?

-Yoda lady.

--Yoda lady who?

-Good job yodeling!

The Madrigal family learned about the song “uptown funk”

However, They don’t talk about Bruno… Mars!

Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles.

Quite the eye opener I tell ya

I recently learned sign language

So I can tell jokes people has never heard

Today I learned that Johann Sebastian Bach had to perform at weddings to make ends meet...

Turns out he was pretty baroque after all.

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

An old joke I learned in third grade...

So, this french guy - he wants to learn English. So boards a plane to the US and he hears the Pilot say "take off". The first stop he makes in the US is the San Diego Zoo, where he learns "zebra". While he's looking at the Zebras, a couple walks up with a stroller and he learns the word "baby". So t...

I've learned to always forgive and forget.

Anyway, I'm not a loan officer anymore.

I learned the other day that a group of baboons is called a Congress

I found it extremely insulting to the hard work and productivity of baboons.

Something that I learned from reddit...!

Post anything on this day.

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As a proctologist, there is one thing I have learned, in the end...

Everyone's an asshole.

I learned a lot from the bible....

Mostly that some people will believe anything they read.

So I learned some interesting things today

I get a kick out of words and word histories, so reading up I learned the word "CENTURION" came from the old Latin word for one hundred, because they were an officer in charge of one hundred soldiers. I also learned that the term "DECIMATE" comes from a collective punishment centurions would mete o...

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts

Ps I'm so sorry.

Today I learned skeletons are actually barred from joining NASA

Apperantly the job takes guts.

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

I just learned sign language

I've found it quite handy.

I learned that when women smile at me,

they aren't actually smiling at me.

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I remember when, as a kid, I learned toilets could flush.

I lost my shit.

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay...

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