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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

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A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long]

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he contin...

IT people would make the worst at couples counseling

"Have you tried turning it on and off again?"

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

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A woman, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked her accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper".

Then she asked her legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest attire".

Utterly confused at this point, she went to her rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of her dilemma. "Let me tell you...

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I had been feeling suicidal from some recent traumatic experiences.

I decided to seek help from a mental health professional. After some counselling, I was not recuperating, and on account of my worsening instability, they implored for me to stay at an in patient psychiatric ward facility.

During my stay, the doctors and psychiatrists informed that they were...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

City counsel decides not to fine restaurant owner for digging a hole in his own establishment with a pickaxe...

They say he was just mining his own business.

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An old couple are at the sex therapists office getting counseling.

To gauge the couple the therapist asked how often they like to have sex?
The wife answers for the husband and say's Infrequent.
The therapists asks,Infrequent...is that one word or two?

I heard the counselling course for self harmers is fully booked

Those who missed out are kicking themselves.

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A married couple goes to couples counseling for the first time.

As soon as they sit down, they start to argue. The therapist immediately stops them.

" There are two ways this can go, A), you work with me and you can spend the rest of your lives together"

The husband interrupts, "B!, B!, I'LL TAKE B."

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Return on investment

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she begins, “would you say you’re honest?”
“Honest?” replies the lawyer. “Let me tell you something about honesty: My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny t...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...

He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?

Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.

The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your ...

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Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are at marriage counseling...

Minnie Mouse wants a divorce because she says that Mickey Mouse insults her.

Marriage Counselor: “Mickey, did you really say that Minnie was extremely silly?

Mickey: “No! I said she was fucking Goofy!”

A man goes to see his Rabbi for counsel

"Rabbi, we don't have place in our house anymore! My family is too numerous. What should we do?"
The Rabbi: "Just bring your biggest cow to live inside with you"
The man is confused: "What? This will make things even worse!"
The Rabbi: "Trust me, live two weeks with the cow inside the house...

A necromancer and a funeral director are at marriage counselling.

Counsellor: So, why are you guys here today?

Funeral Director: “He only wants me for my bodies!”

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Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

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A couple goes to marriage counseling

A couple goes to marriage counseling for one last effort to save their marriage. The counselor asks what the main problem seems to be.

"We disagree on everything. We basically have nothing in common"

The counselors thinks for a second and says "Well this is easy enough. Let's find som...

Why did the slave ask for career counseling?

He wanted to get into a good field.

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Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it’s only for the victims.

I went to an HIV counseling meeting...

... They are a very positive group.

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Why was the button in counseling?

Because it was depressed.

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

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Marriage counseling

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor. They tell the counselor that they just can't seem to get things working. Constant fights, etc. etc.

The counselor says, "Sometimes a good way to understand where the issues are is to take turns doing a little role-playing with me here in the offi...

At a marriage counselling session for men...

... the counseller asked the men to divide themselves into those that always listen to their wives as a group, and those that are able to stand up for themselves as another group.

Expecting a sweeping outcome, the counseller was surprised to see John sitting alone in the group for men able to...

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

What is marriage counseling?

You just pay someone 300$ an hour to watch you and your wife fight

Was giving a door counselling.

We didn't get anywhere at first but he soon opened up to me.

A Puerto Rican meteorologist sought counseling.

When asked "why?" he replied, "Tropical Depression."

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A husband and wife go to counseling...

A husband and wife visit their counselor for the first time. When they arrive, the counselor decides it would be best to meet with each them one at a time, alone. He starts with the husband.

"Tell me about yourself." The counselor says.

"Well I think of myself as a man who is close to...

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Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling?

Santa only cums once a year.

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

Help wanted

If you are seeking S&M counseling is it ok to ask for a rough estimate?

Why did the Mexican food go to counseling?

It wanted to taco bout his feelings

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As a lawyer, whenever someone asks me the joke "why did the chicken cross the road," this is always my response.

As counsel for the chicken, I have advised my client to invoke its 5th Amendment right to remain silent. The chicken with neither confirm nor deny crossing the road, nor the existence of the road thereof. Your concept of ‘crossing’ and ‘road’ do not rise to criminal conduct in any jurisdictional cou...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

There is an initiative...

There is an initiative by the US government and the American Dairy Counsel that cheese needs to be sold only in block form. By doing this we could make America Grate Again.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

The secret to a long life

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 g...

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

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A man walks into his doctors office....

A man walks into his doctors office with one side of his face bruised and beat up.

“Good lord!” the doctor said. “What in the world happened?”

“Well” the man said, “I was sitting there in church, and when the preacher said ‘all rise’, this woman in front of me stood up and her skirt wa...

Arrogance

Back in the days when Los Alamos was a small company town, a noted theoretical physicist was called as a witness for the prosecution. Rising to take the stand, the great man smiled and nodded affably in the direction of the jury box.

This infuriated the defence counsel. “Your Honor, I don’t ...

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Pickle Slicer

A man who worked at a pickle factory came home to his wife one afternoon and admitted to his wife that he had thoughts of sticking his manhood into the pickle slicer at work. His wife, worried about his well being, suggested he seek sexual counseling.
After weeks of counseling, the husband came ...

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

Life is like a box of chocolates

It starts sweet and ends up with you on the toliet giving yourself counselling.

A teacher has a very strange phone policy.

If a student's phone rings in class, they have to put it in speaker. The teacher believes this to be quite funny.
One day in class, one kid's phone rings. As per policy, she puts it on speaker.
The person on the other end begins. "Hello? This is your doctor. We would like to inform you that yo...

Three devotees decide to prove the power of their faith...

...they all decide to jump off a cliff one by one, all the while invoking the name of their chosen deity.

The first devotee, a Buddhist, proceeds to stand at the edge of the cliff and begins reciting the mora sutta. At the end of the chant he jumps and calls on Buddha three times: ***"Buddha ...

Parapsychologists

I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.

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Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

85 year old Mr. Horwitz goes to see the priest to give a confession

"Father, forgive me, I have slept with another woman than my wife" the old man confesses.

"Mr. Horwitz, didn't your wife pass about 10 years ago? In fact, I have seen you out dating other women in the last few years..." the Priest responds.

"Yes, she did, Father, and I have dated, but ...

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When Jared from subway was a kid (long)

He was a larger boy, all of the schoolchildren would call him names. Jared would get mad but didnt know what to. This goes on for some time until Jared went to his school counselor. His couseler asks what the problem is. Jared explains how all the schoolchildren can not see past his weight and accep...

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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very...

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

The prostitute stops screwing the client when they die.

Source: eavesdropping on the legal counsel at work.

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A man and wife are looking to spice up their relationship.

They have been married for years, and as many marriages do, things start to get dull. They decide they need to seek out new activities to keep their relationship going. They go to new restaurants, travel more, take dance lessons together, the works. But still, as they try all these new things, event...

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Marriage Counselor

A couple are at marriage counseling and the wife says, "Even during sex he acts uninterested, not to mention he has a tiny penis". The counselor thinks for a moment, then looks at her and says, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!" He laughs and high fives the husband with the small penis.

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Married in the arctic circle

After 30 years of unfulfilling matrimony a crotchety old Alaskan couple finally decide to seek marriage counseling.

Upon the first meeting with their therapist they both sit down awkwardly on the couch, and pull back their Anorak hoods only to realize that they've been married to the WRONG p...

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