My wisdom will kill me one day

I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle, bought a bottle of whisky and put it in the bicycle basket

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the whisky before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very depressed man goes to the proctologist

“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment... The great clown Pagliacci...

Sent a couple of suggestions to a deodorant company this morning

Just putting my two scents in

An employee calls up his boss and asks for a day's leave due to sickness.

Boss: Whenever I am sick, I kiss my wife as passionately as I can and I start feeling a lot better. You should try it as well.

Employee: That's great. Sure, I will consider doing that.

*two hours later*

E: Sir, I tried your suggestion.

B: Really? How did it go?

E: ...

Reddit rename suggestions

Rename share to spreddit, delete to shreddit, karma to creddit. The fact the they haven’t done this, I just don’t Greddit

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

What do you call good suggestions given over the radio?

Sound advice.

Jim and Steve are die-hard capitalists...

They go for a stroll together through a cow pasture, and Jim tells Steve that he will give him $20,000 to eat a pile of cow flop. Steve considers the suggestion, says what the heck, and eats a pile. Jim, laughing, gives him the money, and they continue on their merry way.

After a few minutes,...

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

What was the only suggestion the orc had for the contractor who built his house?

Mordor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

E.d. strikes again

A man was having problems with premature
ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure
his problem.
In response, the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate,
try startling yourself."
That same day the ...

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