UPJOKE
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A Suggestion to Reddit HQ

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and there was a suggestion box,

so I wrote โ€˜Free Tibet.โ€™

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

"I'm hungry. I just need something small to satisfy, any suggestions?"

"...Maybe the chicken strips for $6?"

"Maybe it does, but that doesn't help with my hunger."

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late fatherโ€™s belongingsโ€ฆ

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

Somali Pirates Can't Find Hidden Treasure Buried in 2007

A bunch of Somali pirates lost their hidden treasure. They last saw their hidden treasure in 2007. They tried everything, bloodhounds, radar, metal detectors, sonar. But they couldn't find their treasure.

One day, one of the pirates had a suggestion.

"Captain, we should break R ...

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because Iโ€™m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since itโ€™s usually 90 degrees over there.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Jim, tired of bustling city life, moves to a remote town in Alaska.

He loves the natural environment, exploring and fishing, and the quiet tranquility of his new home.

However, one thing he notices, to his dismay, is that there are no women in his new town.

He goes to the local bar and orders a drink. He asks the bartender about the conspicuous lack ...

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

Advice

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. I...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, โ€œHey sweetheart, why donโ€™t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I asked my wife for suggestions for a new exercise routine, and she said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you try lunges?โ€

I said, โ€œThat...sounds like a big step.โ€

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The ...

As the Ukrainians are fighting back against the Russians...

It turns into a street-level war where both sides are shooting at each other from behind walls. The Russian army isn't able to move forward and the Ukrainians cannot get the Russians to retreat.

So the Ukrainian platoon leader asks: "Is there nothing we can do to get an advantage?"

One...

Is Google male or female?

Answer: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

My friend isn't speaking to me after I gave him a Beatles suggestion.

He asked me what Beatles album he should pick up, and I told him "Dude, you need to get Help."

I had a buddy in college who always gave us suggestions as to what booze or drugs to try.

He was the original trip advisor.

The new associate pastor, nervous about hearing confessions asks an older priest to listen in.

Several penitents later, his mentor offers a few suggestions.โ€œCross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand,โ€ he says. โ€œTry saying things like, โ€˜I see, yes, go on. I understand. How did you feel about that?โ€The new priest tries out the words and gestures.

The old priest say...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

How to attract women:

My friend keeps complaining that he can't attract women. I told him "Why don't you try a sexy look...like lowering your eyelids and biting your lip?"

My friend takes the advice and runs off. He comes back complaining "I TRIED YOUR SUGGESTION AND THE GIRLS KEPT RUNNING AWAY SCREAMING!" ...

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