UPJOKE
directionmanagementsteercounselguidelineinstructioncontrolleadcounselingsteeringcounsellingguidedirectadviceleadership

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler used an astrologist to give him guidance in battle...

One day he told the man, "you've served me well. We are winning battles and the war and I'm very pleased with your work. Your ability to predict the future is amazing. But there's one thing I wondered about and wanted to ask you."

How can I serve you mein Fuhrer?

"Do you know what day ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our marriage guidance counselor offers a 24 hour SMS advice service

It's difficult to decipher some of his typos and auto-corrects, but his recommendation for a suck-sex-full relationship was spot on!

What gives moral guidance to dogs and trees alike?

The barkcode

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

Why was Obi Wan Kenobi fired from his job as a marriage guidance counsellor?

He kept telling people to "use divorce"

Jeremy Clarkson on the farm.

After a disastrous first year on the farm Jeremy Clarkson hatches a new plan and gets ten sows and a hog to make lots of piglets.
He calls the vet and asks for any help and what to look for. The old vet tells him if the hog has been successful the sows will be asleep on their backs with all for ...

What did the guidance councilor say to the suicide bomber?

What do you wanna be when you blow up?

I wanted spiritual guidance but all she did was stare at my feet.

She was trying to read my sole.

You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.

Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together

Best friends Peter and Paul were about to graduate seminary together. While Peter was very smart, Paul had a difficult time with schoolwork, so Peter would let him copy his homework to make sure he could pass his classes.



As the time approached for their interview with the bishop, Pau...

Following my wife's guidance, I accepted the biblical command to be moderate in all things.

I struggled. Then I decided to add "moderation" to my list. Now everything seems back to normal.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a building contractor, recently I was hired to create a new set for a porn production company and told I have free reign over its design.

I was never a big fan of porn and was concerned I wouldn't be able to create a suitable set for such productions without guidance, but the client reassured me

"If you build it, they will come."

Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.

Only four parachutes though.

Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."

The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."

Trump takes...

The wise spice trader was known for his sage advice

He was less sought after for his oregano guidance, his thyme tips, and his rosemary consultations.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind pilots

A plane is preparing for takeoff with a full load of passengers when the pilot and copilot board--both with dark sunglasses and tapping walking sticks for guidance. The passengers are understandably uncomfortable, but assume it must be some sort of practical joke, so they say nothing.

As the ...

A man was on a hike with his best friend.

They’re walking up a hill, talking about what had happened during their childhood. About halfway through the height, the man spots a purple flower out of the corner of his eye. He goes over to it and picks it up. He turns to his friend and says,
“Hey, look! A purple flower!”

His friends ...

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish fathers are having a conversation.

One mentioned to the other, "It's been a trying time for me. I sent my son to Jerusalem to study for two years in the hopes he would return as a better Jew, but instead he converted to Christianity."

The other father replied, "That's odd. I also sent my son to Jerusalem to study, and he also ...

A Jewish man has a son...

...and he is very disappointed in his son's lack of interest in their faith. So he decides to send his son to Israel to learn a thing or two about Judaism.

When the son returns, the father asks "did you have a good trip?"

"So great, Dad. I learned so much, saw some great historical la...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A huge soccer fan arrived at the Vatican

There, he saw the pope. He approached His Holiness and said: 'Mr. Popeman, there is one thing I have always wondered: do they have soccer in heaven?'

'Good question', says the Pope, 'Let me get back to you on that. Meet me here in a week.'

A week later, the Pope and the man meet each o...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says

Two Jewish mothers are talking and one says, "I have some unsavory news. I sent my son to Israel to become a more faithful Jew, but he became Christian!"

The other mother replies, "Funny story! I sent my son there for the same reason, and he became a Christian as well!"

The two women, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

Religious jokes can be funny

A Jewish man goes to his neighbor and tells him that his son ran away and became a Christian. The neighbor replies, "You know, it's funny you say that. A little while ago my son did the same." At that, they both went to the local rabbi to ask for guidance. When they tell the rabbi their stories, the...

A Jewish businessman sent his son to Israel for a year...

...so he could know a bit more about their culture. When he came back home, the son said:

'Dad, Israel was great! Oh and by the way, I became Christian.'

'Oh no!' said the father. 'What have I done?'

The father then went to hang out with his best friend and told him about his mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

If you are ever lost in the woods...

Just start playing a game of solitaire and someone will appear behind you with guidance on your next move.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is in the bath and hears a knock at her bathroom door

‘Hello?

‘Yes it’s the blind man I need to ask you for some guidance’

‘Oh sorry, come in and I shall give you some advice’

‘Fucking hell love nice tits, now where do you want these blinds hanging?’

A man dies and finds himself at the foot of a mountain.

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking about their children...

The first one says "My son has decided to stop keeping kosher! Oy! What a terrible world" The second one replies "Your son? \*MY\* son! My son has decided to stop keeping the Sabbath! Oy gevalt! What can we do?" They seek guidance from the chief Rabbi of their village and share their woes with. "You...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man Finklestein is dying.

Old man Finklestein is dying. He was diagnosed with cancer a month ago, and had told no one but his dear wife, Sadie.

It is a week before the doctors told him he would kick the bucket, and he had straightened out his will and finances, so he decided to tell his best friend, Mr. Ginsberg.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

What type of movies can't batman see?

Parental Guidance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy was playing in the alley behind his house

As he was going through some of the neighbors trash he found a welder's mask. He put it on and was pretending to weld as an old rickety van pulled down the alley. The man driving stopped next to the boy and rolled down his window.

"Hey Boy. I need some help with something and you look like ju...

LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:


It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.


Edit* changed were to are

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest, a lawyer, and an alter boy are on a plane...

...and the plane is crashing. Suddenly the pilot comes out of the cockpit and says to the three of them, "Alright, we're going down and I only have three parachutes, I'm taking one, it's up to you guys to figure out who gets the other two."

The lawyer says: "I have my own successful firm with...

My Future

I have a lot more trust and faith in my guidance counselor's advice after getting an empty fortune cookie at a chinese restaurant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new priest and the confessional booth.

A newly ordained priest is about to do his first stint in the confessional booth. A bit nervous, he asks the bishop for some advice and guidance.

"Son", says the bishop, "here, take this book, I've listed all the common sins and their penance so don't be nervous at all".

Armed with th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.