If I got a dollar for every time someone on Reddit advises me to go to the gym

I would actually go to the gym

CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

News Anchor: CDC advises no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: AWW... **STOPS BLENDER* *

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...

As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."

The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."

The doctor says, "Mine is."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

Bribe...

A farmer consults a lawyer friend for his case. He had built a house in the plot of another farmer and now the other farmer has sued him, demanding the house demolished.

The lawyer calmly explains the farmer is in the wrong, he should not have built a house on another person's land. He advise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An exhausted woman goes to see the doctor...

who asks her how she is sleeping.

She says, not much, because I like having sex.

The doctor asks her how often she has sex.

She replies, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

She says, I can't. It's the only night I am home ...

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

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