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Advises Jokes

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

CDC advises no gatherings of 50 of more people...

So dont worry, Trump inaugurations are still a safe place.

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

News Anchor: CDC advises no handshakes at this time.

Jeffrey Dahmer: AWW... **STOPS BLENDER* *

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have , she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

If I got a dollar for every time someone on Reddit advises me to go to the gym

I would actually go to the gym

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

A lady brings her dog to the veterinarian due to itching.

The vet gives her a lotion to put on the dog, and tells her to get Nair to put on the affected area, thereby removing its hair in that area.
The lady goes to the store where a clerk takes her to the Nair. He advises her “if you put this on your legs, don’t wear hose for a few days”. The l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Female Dwarf

Goes to the doctors and says "everytime it rains my hurts" The doctor has a good look at her lady garden and can't see anything that could cause it. He advises to come back on the next rainy day.

A few days later the dwarf is back at his office saying its raining and my is hurti...

Once a Man sees his friend on the street

His friend has a penguin with him. They are going hand in hand. The Man greets his friend: " what the hell are you doing with the penguin?" The friend in a manner of dissatisfaction: "l found it wandering around. Then i grab its hand and i now i don't know what to do." The Man advises him to take th...

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.

He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”

“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store.

He’s arrested and put in county jail.

The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell.

About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. “I assume you’re the boy’s father,” the ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An exhausted woman goes to see the doctor...

who asks her how she is sleeping.

She says, not much, because I like having .

The doctor asks her how often she has .

She replies, Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

She says, I can't. It's the only night I am home ...

A penguin was driving down the road on a hot summer day. . . (slightly )

A penguin was driving down the road on a hot summer day when all of a sudden his car breaks down. He manages to take it to a mechanic, who advises him to check out the nearby town and come back in about a half hour. The penguin walks around, and comes across an ice cream shop. On his way back to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

Two hunters are on a trip...

...when suddenly, one of them clutches his chest. He coughs, he wheezes, then he falls over. Panicked, the other hunter takes out his cellphone and calls 911. He explains the situation:
"I'm hunting with a friend of mine and I'm afraid he's just had a heart attack. I think he's dead. What can ...
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