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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods...

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

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A lady finally found her soulmate and calls her dad to tell him about it

(Translated from romanian, hopefully you will get it lol)

The dad is smiling and eager to find out more about this man he asks even more questions about her new lover.

She tells him that he is smart, beautiful, finished his studies at a highly prestigious university and now he is worki...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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There is nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of patients

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', h...

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

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A married couple is sitting at the kitchen table The woman asks her husband: "Tell me, what did you think when you first saw me?"

The man replies: "I thought - damn, I would like to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out."
The woman blushes and asks: "What do you think now?"
The man says: "I think, I did a pretty good job with that."

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

My husband works in a plant nursery and is looking for quality plant jokes to tell his overworked co-workers. Show me what you've got! (I'll start)

Why are plants bad cheerleaders?


Because they're always rooting for themselves.

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

Granddad could tell a tale

He used to say that as a boy he had the strongest arm in the county. He said he could throw a stick so hard that it would take his dog an hour to retrieve it.


To me that always seemed far-fetched.

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

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Husband gets home and tells his wife

"Quick!!! Get me a beer before it starts."

She gets the beer. He chugs it and says "Quick!!! Get me another before it starts."

She obliges. Husband again chugs it and says "Quick!!! get me another beer before it starts."

The wife replies "if you want another beer you lazy bas...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

How do you tell the difference between yogurt and Australia?

If you leave yogurt in the sun for 250 years, it’ll develop culture.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"?

In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

How did the cryptographer tell his wife he was sorry again?

Re-morse code.

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

God tells these 3 guys that the vehicle they'll be driving around in heaven will be a reflection of how faithful they were to their wives

The first guy was cheating on his wife like every month, so God gave him a Chevy to drive around in heaven.

The second guy cheated on his wife once or twice over the years, but overall was pretty faithful, so God gave him an Acura to drive around in heaven.

The third guy never cheated ...

My Wife said :- You got vasectomy without even telling me . Are you serious ?

I said :- I am not kidding you .

An Arab Sheikh sends his son to France for his studies. A year later the son comes back but the Sheikh realises that something is bothering his son. After some questioning, the son tells his father that he goes to college in his Porsche but the other students come by train. It's not right.

The Sheikh feels terrible, hugs his son and says, 'Don't worry son... I'll buy you a train today!'

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump?

T.hanks

My uncle needed a pet that could tell time

So he bought a watch dog

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

If you can't tell the difference between "there", "their", and "they're"...

Your an idiot.

I'd tell a UDP joke...

But I'm not sure if anyone would get it.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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What do you call an overweight penis doctor that can also tell you the weather forecast?

A meaty-urologist.

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

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My Doctor tells me it's not uncommon to get an erection and ejaculate during a prostate exam.

But I still wish he wouldn't.

How do Germans tell if bread is gluten free?

They check the Gluten Tag

Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget.

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When your partner tells you he/she cheated on you, I know there is a tendency to ask "with who?"

Resist it. Instead ask "with whom?". Speak good English, no matter the circumstances.

How do you tell an African from an Indian elephant?

The ears.
Lift them up and whisper “Where you from?”.

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A married man tells his wife...

A married man tells his wife, "Honey, after all these years, I still love seeing your ass."

She smiles and asks, "is it because I've kept my girlish figure?"

He responds, "No, because it means you are walking away."

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

how can you tell if your gf is getting fat?

when She fits in your Wife's clothes.

I’d tell you my construction joke...

But I’m still working on it

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I want to tell you a time travel joke.

But you didn't like it.

Why doesn’t Chuck Norris tell jokes?

His punch lines are deadly.

I was going to tell you a gravity joke

....but no one was gonna fall for it.

I was in a taxi. Then the driver said, "I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do."

Then I told him to turn right.

When a girl tells you to take her to the most expensive place, where should you take her?

an American hospital

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

Tell me your name and I guarantee you I can sing you a song with your name in it

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear _____, happy birthday to you.

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

I bought my wife and I Walkie-Talkies for our anniversary but I can't tell if she likes them.

Wife: "We don't need Walkie-Talkies, this marriage is over."

Me: "This marriage is what? Over."

my dad tells a dad joke

so i tell my dad "im cold" and he responds with "go stand in the corner its 90 degrees

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I always tell my customers to go fuck themselves!

I'm a sex toys sales person.

Thanks for telling me the definition of many,

It means a lot.

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

My friend was telling me about Xenomorphs and Facehuggers....

It's all Alien to me.

Just tell me mate

Ight guys I wanna make this guy mine and he loves jokes so tell me your best joke .

Well since this is a joke community I will tell a joke so the post won’t get deleted .

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Have you heard about the woman who got pregnant from a sperm donor without telling her partner?

It was a master bait & switch.

I would tell you a joke about Kobe

But I’m afraid it wouldn’t land!

In the 1950's a group of friends decided to test a blind man to see if he could tell the denomination of bills.

They started passing one dollar bills to the blind man and he could tell that they were one dollar bills.

Then someone gave him a five, which he knew immediately was a five dollar bill.

Then they handed him a ten, and he still knew what it was.

Then they alternated the one, five...

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

A man tells a Rabbi that he has the desire to live forever. "What can I do?"

The Rabbi said: "Go and get married."

"Will I then live forever?" the man asked.

"No, but the desire does go away".

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Germany is telling its citizens to stock up on sausages and cheese as fear of COVID grows.

It's the wurst-kase scenario.

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A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"..

Stupid firemen.

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My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

What is it called when the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air tells a lie?

Will's myth.

I asked my Google assistant to tell me what was the name of the number with 100 zeros

I’ve already tried 5 times, and it keeps refreshing to the main page. Geez, thanks a lot.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"

Blonde: "In three months."

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can’t get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

The shave is going well and the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years. As the barber finished the man goes to spit the ball out but ...

I'd tell you guys dark jokes...

But it's hard to see the humor in it.

Why do people like telling Michael Jackson jokes.

Because when they do he goes HeHe.

I could tell you a Covid joke...

But it would take 3 days for you to get it.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Mendel goes to see his rabbi and tells him that his wife is trying to poison him.

The rabbi assures Mendel that this is impossible and tells him he will visit his wife and straighten everything out.
Mendel thanks the rabbi and waits for him to come back.

About four hours later, the rabbi returns, looking haggard and exhausted.

Mendel says "So, what do you think?"...

Jose came back from his first trip to the U.S. and was very excited and wanted to tell his family all about it.

"What did you do?" asked his brother.

"I went to a Yankee baseball game. It was great!"

"Were the people nice to you?" asked his mother.

"Mama, they couldn't have been nicer. Before the game started, everyone stood up and asked me 'Jose can you see?'"

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I'm sick of people telling me what I can and can't eat.

So fuck you , silica packets.

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Did I tell you about my trick for getting to the front of the line at gas stations?

I call it my gas trick bypass.

What did Bear Grylls tell himself when he ran out of water?

Urine trouble!

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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife. Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

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What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them how to pronounce “unionized”

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

A guys says to a blonde girl, "Tell me you're blonde without telling ne you're blonde."

"I'm blonde"

How can you tell the difference between a physicist and a lawyer?

Have them say the word object.

A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.

“I saw a woman hit by a car,” he said. “She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.”
“How horrible! What did you do?”

“Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.”

My mother would tell me to always act responsibly.

Which is a great way to get arrested for a crime you didn't commit

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

How can you tell if a ballerina hasn't taken a bath in while?

She does a split and sticks to the floor.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

I tried to tell this joke to an Eskimo but..

Inuit

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

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How to tell you are getting old

When your wife suggests you go upstairs and have sex - and you realise you can do one or the other.

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Employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said "Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now! Also, you have a nice house!"

How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

What do you tell someone who just lost their vehicle?

“Walk it off”

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke now

But you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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One old man telling another old man a story...

“Did I ever tell you about the time I encounterd a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember.”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere, a grizzly bear jumped out at me! AAAAHHHH!”

“Wow! So what happened?”

“I crapped my pants.”

“Well, that’s und...

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out.

The son returns a year later and tells his father that he has converted to Christianity. The father is upset and calls his friend who is also Jewish. “You won’t believe this, my son David moved out for a year and came back and told me he converted to Christianity.” His friend says, “you won’t believ...

Jimmy had five sons named Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy and Rudy. How did he tell them apart?

He called them by their last name.

It’s easy to tell if someone is an organ donor.

It’s a dead giveaway.

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These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

A young child tells her mom she was playing "doctor" with another boy in the neighborhood.

Mom is somewhat shocked and curious about what this "doctor play" entailed. She asked her daughter "what did you do?"

The daughter replies "oh nothing. I just sat in the exam room waiting for him to show up, and he ended up charging my insurance twice.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

Gynecologists and midwives are good at telling jokes

It's all about the delivery.

A Romanian tells a Hungarian a joke

Romanian:wanna hear a joke

Hungarian:Sure

Romanian:transylvania

Hungarian:i dont get it

Romanian:and you never will

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

I’m gonna tell you a joke about corona virus...

You have to wait 2 weeks to see if you get it!

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, “Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar?” “Well... it was rather dark,” I replied.

The police officer says, “Okay… and how tall was it?”

I don't think he understood me very well.

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

How do you tell if someone is a Trump supporter?

If their hat, shirt, bumper sticker, four flags on their car, license plate, the seven flags outside their house, and their personality doesn't tell you, I don't know what to say.

Don't tell anyone this…

>!This is Top Secret!<

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>!This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)!<

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.

How can you tell the difference between a male door and a female door?

One has a ding-dong and the other has knockers.

My friend Victoria was telling me about a store the other day.

But she wouldn’t tell me which one it was. It was Victoria’s Secret.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been getting the same prostitute to come to my work and secretly give me felatio for a while now. I forgot to tell her that I was sick yesterday and had to call in a cover.

Safe to say my cover was blown...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

I finally found the courage to tell my suitcases there will be no holiday abroad this year.

Now, I'm dealing emotional baggage.

I tell old dad jokes to my kids.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fshhhhhh

Little Johnny is in school and they have show and tell.

The teacher asks the class to tell about something that happened in their family recently. When it is Johnny's turn. he walks to the board and draws two periods ". ." The teacher asks him to explain. He says"My sister missed these and my parents are real upset."

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “...

What's in common with Chinese Rockets and telling morbid jokes to my friends?

They never land properly.

You can tell a bad joke from a good home by the number of awards it has...

See above.

Telling a 6 year old girl that Jesus is watching her is tolerable,

but telling her Jesus is watching her when she’s 16 is creepy.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I don't understand why people keep telling me that I have no self-reflection

Something's clearly wrong with them.

I was gonna tell you an edgy joke...

But I don’t think it’ll make the cut

Johnny Depp gets so immersed in his characters that I can never tell if its him or not...

I guess i have really bad Depp perception

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