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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

I was gonna tell a joke about time traveling

But you guys didn't like it

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

"Tell us you're wealthy without saying you're wealthy"

"Jeeves, tell those people I'm wealthy"

A vasectomy only works if you tell your wife about it

Otherwise she keep on getting pregnant

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

How to tell if a girl likes you

You can tell if a girl likes you by her ankles:

If they are behind your head, she likes you.

If they are behind *her* head, she *really* likes you.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies."

I replied, "Well, tell him he's really good - I haven't got any kids!"

The Bible and the Quran tell us to love each other

The Kamasutra is more specific.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.


The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?

May divorce be with you

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

Alexa, tell me a joke

Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.

Really? Well, that's nic-

Would you like to hear another joke?

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NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?

Cause its a place to eat.

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you

What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

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Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It’s bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

A teacher tells her students to write a sentence defining power.

Once everyone has finished, she reads the sentences out to the class:

\- "Power is when you can do good," - Good, Max, nice sentence. That's an A.

\- "Power is when you can do good and punish evil," - very good, Sarah, beautiful. That's an A+.

\- "Power is when you have a lot of...

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
<...

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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Husband asked his wife "why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replied "because I don't like calling you at work."

So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

AITA for telling daddy I saw mummy kissing another man?

Last night, I (7m) couldn't sleep so I went downstairs. I saw mummy (38f) kissing a strange man. I ran upstairs to tell daddy (41m) but he wasn't in his bedroom. I went back to bed crying.

In the morning, mummy woke me up saying, "Merry Christmas" but I ran straight to daddy. I said, "Last ni...

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

How do you tell the difference between a fully vaccinated person and an unvaccinated person if they aren't wearing a mask?

Ask them who won the election.

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

Edit: thanks for silver gold and front page, it means alot

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.....''

I said "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

I tell ya, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count 'em!

LGBTQIA people are terrible at telling jokes because

They can't say them with a straight face

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

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When I tell women about my 12” donkey dick...

They’re like “ooh I want to see it”


But when I take it out of the freezer, they’re all “I have to be going.”

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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

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An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

Let me tell you my favorite knock knock joke!

You start

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The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.

"How is she?" I asked


"Very critical," replied the officer


"The fuck is she complaining about now?"

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I’d like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, “"Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if ...

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they will throw b...

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who...

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

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A joke to tell your friends in-person

So, like the title says, this joke only works if you're telling it to your friend in real life! Make sure it's someone you're somewhat close with, though.

So a guy walks into a three-story building. That's very important to the story, so you gotta remember it. How many stories does it have?...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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A man tells his friend he just opened a brothel.

“$100 for anal and $50 for a blow job”, says the man.

His friend asks “How much for the pussy?”.

“Nah” says the man, “I don’t have any employees yet”.

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

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I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

I cannot tell a lie.

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

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Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.

Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

What did the kamikaze flight instructor tell his students?

I'm only gonna show you this once

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An old man tells his doctor that his wife never has an orgasm while they are having sex.

The doctor suggests that perhaps she is overheating. So when the man gets home he asks his young and good-looking gardener to assist by waving a towel to cool off his wife while they are having sex. The gardener is reluctant but agrees. While the couple is having sex, the gardener frantically wav...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

I was going to tell a joke about fencing

But then I realised it might just be a riposte

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth...

and Trump can not tell the difference

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

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How do you tell if someone has an std?

Oh shit wrong sub-reddit.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

I keep telling myself to quit drugs

Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.

I told her to lighten up.

The wife has just phoned me to tell me that 3 women in her office have received flowers today and they are absolutely gorgeous.

I said, "That's probably why !!"

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A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

People keep telling me I'm going straight to Hell for drinking all the time.

Fortunately the ground stops me every time .

I like to tell dad jokes

But he never finds them funny.

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest.

So I entered her.

I could tell you a COVID joke...

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

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