An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Harry, I want to tell you something. I'm gay", says Remo Lupin

"What? Are you fucking serious?"

"No Harry, I'm fucking Severus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

“Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

I'd tell you a joke about the PS5

But you probably wont get it

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

How easy is it to tell a joke 1 year after joining Reddit?

A piece of cake.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if ...

I could tell you a COVID joke...

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

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A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for

Apparently pole workers can't do that

Biden and Barack don't tell each other "yo mama" jokes...

they tell each other Jo 'Bama jokes.



(I'm sorry, it's terrible)

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One's an elephant.

What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?

An inside joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a blind woman tells you you have a large penis.

She is probably pulling your leg.

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How do you tell your wife is dead?

Sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

How do you tell the difference between a Crocodile and an Alligator?

By paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you tell which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

A man tells his date

A man tells his date “ I work with animals”

And she said “ I love a man who that cares about animals, where do you work?”

And with a grin on his face the man said “I’m a butcher.”

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

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A man comes home and tells his girlfriend he won the lottery.

He says "It's time to celebrate! Start packing!"

She says "Wow! But how should I pack? For the beach? For a ski resort?"

He says "I don't care how you pack. Just get the fuck out!"

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a woman asks her friend: Do you tell your husband every time you have an orgasm?

Friend: No he doesn't like to be bothered at work

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she is fat once and she’ll remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

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I tried to tell a few jokes about your mom’s saggy tits

But they fell flat

I had a great time travel joke to tell you guys.

But it turned out that none of you liked it.

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

I dont usually tell dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Doctor tells a man that he will die by the next morning

The man goes home and tells his wife about this and asks her to stay awake the whole night so they can talk about all the good memories they share.

The wife starts to fall asleep after some time. The man asks "Why are you falling asleep?"

The wife replies "You don't have to wake up tom...

My science teacher use to always tell me...

You matter.

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves without a word, to go and speak to the manager about how to deal with this man. The manager, hearing the stor...

Overheard a 4th grader tell this one...

What’s your nationality when you’re in the bathroom?

European

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth....

Two Covid deniers die of Covid and go to heaven. God tell them they can ask anything they want and get the truth

Covid Denier 1: So there was no such thing as covid, right? I died of lung cancer or something!

God: No, Covid is real, you died of covid just like the Doctors said.
...

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

How can you tell if someone is blind?

Their alphabet goes:
ABDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

How can you tell when a moth farts?

It flies in a straight line.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

My ex wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson

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I wanted to tell a joke about amazon prime

But I'd probably just fuck up the delivery

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

I asked my dad why he tells cheesy jokes.

He said, “Like any quality cheese, because ‘mold”.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

How can a blind skydiver tell when he's about to hit the ground?

The leash goes slack.

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

People who can't tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals....

....are missing the point.

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell someone is a vegan?

They won’t fucking shut up about it.

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

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So a 17 year old kid just got a job at a Everything-plus kind of store. The manager tells him that he needs to sell at least $500 of their products per week.

The manager comes a week later and asks the kid how much he made, and the kid says he made $100,000. The manager asks how he did it. So the kid says that a man came in on Friday needing some fishing lures, so he sold him the most expensive pack of lures. He then said to the man “ You’ll need a good ...

My brother asked me to tell him how stupid he was

So I told him he is so stupid he would try and cut down A tree with Axe body spray.

There are 3 boys, named Stupid, Nothing, and Nobody. The boys go down to the river, and Nobody falls in the water, he cant swim, so Nothing tells Stupid to call for help. Stupid calls 911 and says...

"Hello, I'm Stupid, I'm calling for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water."

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Q: How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

A: Pull down their genes!

What do you never tell your diabetic son?

Sweet dreams.

I would tell a joke...

...but I suck at deliveries, maybe I’ll just DoorDash it

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A trio of golfers are waiting for their fourth at the course one morning, when he calls and tells them he can't come.

Turns out his pregnant wife has been put on bed rest effective immediately, and he will have to be around her 24/7 until the baby is born in two months. The other three wish him and his wife well, then discuss whether or not to play without him, when an attractive woman in her mid-30s, carrying a b...

I was going to tell a Casey Anthony joke...But...

My mom would kill me!

How do you tell the difference between a male door from a female door ?

One's got a ding dong and the other knockers.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him,

"Sorry about your weight."

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

A comedian tells a joke and no one in the audience laughs, to this he responds...

"Come on people! I do this for a living! Not for dead silence!"

So everyone is getting mad at me after telling jokes about marine wildlife

I think it's a turtle over reaction. It just being shellfish and it's giving me a bad haddock. I mean, I don't do them on porpoise...

Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac...

They always take things, literally

My 6 year old little bro always tells me this one. What do you call ninja farts?

Silent but deadly

People keep telling me it’s weird to look up to the Pillsbury Doughboy...

But I think he’s a great roll model.

What stories did Vikings tell their children?

Norsery Rhymes

I could tell you a really good science joke

But all of them argon

"Nobody is going to tell me how many people I can have for Thanksgiving"

Jeffery Dahmer

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

How do you tell the difference between an electrician and an electrical engineer?

Ask them to pronounce the word, ‟unionized”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Mr. Salt tell Mrs. Pepper before they had sex?

Hold on, let me get some condomints.

The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to “get down”

If there is a crisis they have to say “Donald, Duck!”

I could tell you a joke about bones...

But some of you may not find it very humerus

I once seduced a woman by telling her I'd sequence her DNA

but I stopped at first base when she told me what I'd find in her genes

It tells you something about a school system

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

What do you tell a grave robber when they're tired?

Dig deep.

Telling a dad joke when you're not a father...

...is a bit of a faux Pa.

Why do actors tell each other to "break a leg"?

Because every play needs a cast.

A teacher tells a student

"When I was your age I knew a lot of words"

The student replied "That was because you had a better teacher"

How do you tell if a vegan is dead?

They haven't told you about their vegan lifestyle in the last 5 minutes

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discover...

A robber enter a bank and tell employee to fill the bag

Robber: fill the bag or you will be geography
Employee : you mean history?
Robber: don't change the subject

I had a joke about Sidney Powell but everytime I tried to tell it

I started Kraken up

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

Honey I missed you this morning.

I would tell you a dirty joke about 36 holes of golf...

...but it’s two course.

What do you call a lizard that tells damaging lies about you?

A slandermander

I've decided not to tell you a joke about Donald Trump being a duck

It's too lame.

My friends keep telling me that Joe is too old to be president

Well I’m sure he could’ve run years ago, but he’s been Biden his time

I'll tell you a coronavirus joke now...

but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

My dad was telling me about a documentary about the human body when it's constipated.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come out yet.

Someone tried to tell me a joke about Covid earlier...

...but they were wearing a mask so I didn't catch it.

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

My sister is so dumb, she tells everyone she is bipolar

Because she is working at two different strip clubs.

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

I’m confused - The Left are telling me that COVID social restrictions and vaccines are the way forward, whilst Trump supporters are saying lets get group immunity from many catching it

I feel I’m stuck between a woke and a herd place

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have some funny jokes to tell about your Grandma’s saggy tits

They’re real knee slappers

Every morning I tell my wife I’m going jogging

It’s a running joke

Back when the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my suitcase that my travel plans were cancelled.

Since then, I've constantly had to deal with emotional baggage.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

"Why?", Putin asks him.

"Ah, I can't find myself with these times."

"I fly to another city, call home and everybody's asleep."

"I last woke up 4 in the morning, but thought it was only evening."

"I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday, and she tells me s...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Hitler asked Stalin to tell him a joke

Stalin: Moscow

Hitler: I don't get it

Stalin: Exactly

What kind of jokes does Bruce Lee tell?

One-inch puns.

I would tell you a joke about Alice in Wonderland...

...but let’s not go down that rabbit hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband tells wife:"There's a rumour in town that a guy with a 10 inch schlong died yesterday!"

Wfe:" Oh no!!! Not Joey!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever I am asked if I am a breast or thigh guy, I always tell them I am mostly in to anal...

Which always ends in me being asked to leave the KFC!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One if my favorite jokes to tell.

The was a mama cow with 3 baby calves. The first calf named sunlight came up to her and asked, "Mama, why am I named sunlight?"
The mama replied, "When you were born, a ray if sunlight landed on your head."
The second calf named butterfly came up to her and asked, "Mama, why am I named butterf...

Some people are shocked when I tell them that my parents never vaccinated me

They had my doctor do it for them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats:...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guest speaker came to my school and tried to tell us that we evolved from monkeys.

I got so angry I flung poop at him.

NSFW - a friend of mine told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how he can tell them apart... it’s easy he said

Her brother has a mustache.

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

The letters on my compass suddenly came to life to tell me I'm going the wrong way

I couldn't believe the NEWS!

I was gonna tell you a joke I came up with about a were-donkey,

but I decided it was too half-assed

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

Without telling my wife, I bought a gaming pc for my son as a birthday gift. Check out the specs: Intel Core i7 10700K, MSI MPG Z490 Gaming Carbon WiFi, Nvidia GeForce RTX 2080 Super, G.Skill TridentZ RGB 4x16 DDR4-4000, Samsung 970 Evo 1TB, Corsair RM850x, Cooler Master MasterLiquid ML240R RGB

He is turning one tomorrow.

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