How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

If you see a Spanish person tell them "mucho"

It means a lot to them

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

What do you get it you ask a politician to tell 'the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth'?

3 different answers

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof!

He disappeared without a tres.

So the Doctor hands me the Baby and tells me my wife didn't make it.

So I politely return the Baby and ask for the one my wife made.

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

My grandpa would always tell me girls have two knees but guys have three

You have your left knee, right knee, and your WEEknee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of an ant?

Put it in water
If it sinks girl ant
If it floats boyant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

How to tell if a girl likes you:

Step 1: They don’t

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS."

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.

Look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he'll never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

What's the best thing about telling a coronavirus joke?

Everyone will get it eventually.

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor and tells him...

... that his wife has been refusing to have sex with him for the last several months. The doctor reassures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife says, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a cab ev...

People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.

Nobody expects the spanish ink precision

Can anyone tell me who played forest gump in the movie??

T.hanks

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?

Pull down its genes.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple at the doctors and the doctor tell the woman she’s pregnant...

... the man says “there’s just no way we always use protection without fail every single time we have sex”

The doctor says, sir, let me tell you a story;
There once was a hunter who took his gun with him everywhere he went, he was never without his gun. One day he accidentally picked up h...

Can you tell me the name of an African country?

I don't know... Can ya?

Yeah, that's one

My son: Dad, I'm going to tell you a pun.

My son: Dad, I'm going to tell you a pun.

Me: What's that, son?

Son: It's like a joke, but you play with words.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

My postman friend gets really angry when I tell everyone what he does for a living.

I call him a mail escort.

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

I'd tell you a dad joke...

But I heard you were lactose intolerant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am desperate to tell someone about my girlfriend’s new fetish.

I really need to get this shit off my chest.

A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"

The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."

A friend in Germany tells me everyone’s panic buying sausages and cheese.

It’s the Wurst Käse scenario.

My grandpa was telling me about when he used to hunt tigers.

He said, "this one time I was alone in the jungle when out of the bushes, right in front of me, a huge tiger leaped out suddenly and went RRROOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!! Kid, you won't believe it, I shat myself."

I raised my eyebrows. "You bet I believe it, I'd have shat myself too if that happened...

I’d tell you a joke about herbs

But I don’t have enough thyme to do that

A blind woman tells her husband that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either very good or very bad news.

How can you tell if someone is from New York City?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you within the first few minutes of meeting them.

Can anyone tell me the definition of a Will?

Cmon guys it's a dead giveaway

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone I sleep with tells me my dick is a big joke

A real knee slapper

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

A kids tells his mom “Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night”

The mother replies “Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out”

The kid thinks for a moment and says “I know why it isn’t working then, the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into ...

You know how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull?

A bull smiles when you milk him.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke."

Guy says "Ok, so, a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says 'I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke.' Guy says 'Ok, so, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. So the bartender gives him a drink.' So the bartender gives him a drink." So the bartender gives hi...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My br...

My friend was telling me about how hard it is for him to fall asleep.

I laughed. "Pssht. Sleeping's so easy I can do it with my eyes closed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

A man said to his dad : dad, tell me a joke

The dad said, "vagina"
The man replied " i don't get it"
To which the father responded " I'm sure you don't "

Alexa, tell me a " yo momma" joke.

Me: Alexa, tell me a " yo momma" joke.

Alexa: Unfortanately I do not have enough space to store a "yo momma" joke

Me:awww



Alexa:Because your momma takes up all of it...

Lemme tell you something about Avatar Season 3.

It’s Fire.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

A father finally tells his son he's adopted...........

Son: I wonder who my real father was

Father : no you don't get it. I am your real father, your new father is on his way

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she's ever felt...

She's probably pulling your leg.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now

But you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you get it.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke,

But then I decided to abort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

How can you tell the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey, You! Get off my cloud!" A Scotsman says, "Hey, McLeod! Get offa my ewe!"

My girlfriend asked if I remembered to get tickets for the 80s dance party she was really looking forward to. I had to tell her...

Domo arigato, totally forgoto

They tell us to tap elbows instead of shaking hands.

Then they tell us to sneeze into our elbows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

My wife said, “You got a vasectomy without telling me. Are you serious?”

I said, “I’m not kidding you.”

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

How come you can’t tell a dad joke around a cop?

They will beat you to it.

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

When you smell pee in the street you can tell

Urine the wrong neighborhood

Women tell me “Just be yourself, be more confident.”

I’m like... jeez pick one!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't usually tell anal jokes

Butt fuck it

All my friends tell me that I have zero empathy.

I don’t understand why they feel that way.

How can you tell if the government is cheating you?

You can't cuz they keep changing the rules.

Comedians tell better jokes when they’ve taken drugs.

It’s always funnier when they crack themselves up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?

By the bark.

How can you tell if someone is vegan?

They'll tell you.

A man is going to a wedding and tells his friend he will be wearing a kilt.

"What's the tartan?" his friend asks.


"She's just gonna wear a dress"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."



"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger would...

How can you tell if someone spiked your chocolate pie with alcohol?

The proof is in the pudding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My historian friend was telling me about how the Japanese would kamikaze when all else failed.

That's just plane suicide

Did I tell you about my friend in Africa named Dwayne?

I haven’t seen him in a while.

I miss Dwayne... down in Africa.

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

TIFU by telling my dad his girlfriend cheated on him.

In all fairness, I could’ve sent the wedding invitations through the mail instead...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the left butt cheek tell the right one?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit.

My drug dealer likes to tell jokes.

He really cracks me up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapists tell me that I often show a sign of distrust.

I don't think so.

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

How do you tell murderers apart?

Their Serial Number

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

### “You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.


“So, what’s your story?”


The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from co...

The first/ last joke my third grader got to tell before quarantine

I set up a joke minute for of my 3rd graders as a way of helping him create healthy boundaries to meet his needs (attention), and this is the first one he got to tell. As far as I know, he made it up himself:

You know when you're at a restaurant, and the waiter is taking forever and ever? W...

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see....

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

Did I tell you about the time I met Beyonce?

It wasn't an official meeting. We aren't friends. But I was at the concert venue for work and she was performing that night. She must have been there for a sound check or something. I didn't even really know it was her at first. She came up to me and asked if I had seen her phone. It was gold and st...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

How do you tell the difference of a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste

I don’t often tell dad jokes.

He’s pretty deaf and I have to repeat them a lot. It’s really frustrating to repeat jokes and it just never is funny the second let alone third time I tell it. I think he has dementia too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

Mom tells her kid to make his bed...

Kid: "Why should I make my bed when it's going to get messed up again?"

Mom: "Why should I feed you when you're going to die anyway?"

People tell me to stop making puns, but I can't

Every time I try to swallow my words, I joke on them.

People ask whether I’ll make cheese in my afterlife. I tell them,

“There’s no whey in hell.”

how do you tell if lady gaga is dead or just sleeping?

po-po-po-poker face...

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two potatoes hanging out on a street corner, how can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Its the one that's stamped IDAHO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina

She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave.

The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?"

The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds.

Growing more disturb...

A cowboy gets captured by Indians, they tell him before they kill him that he gets 3 wishes

He tells them ”I wants to talk to my horse”, so he whispers in his horses ear, it runs off and returns with a naked woman on it, he rolls his eyes and tells them he again “I want to talk to my horse!”

So he whispers in his horses ear and again it runs off and comes back with a naked woman!, a...

A guy with explosive diarrhea was eager to tell a joke

He couldn't hold it in

How can you tell when a vampire is done?...

When he ‘edraculates’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can’t dislexic people tell jokes?

Cause they punch up the fuckline

Can you please tell me how to pronounce the variable y subscripted by a zero?

Sure, why not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tell my dates I have a PhD in sex talk.

They are not as impressed when learning my dissertation was on the "effects of female ultrasonic vocalization on male impotence in rats"

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

My Math teacher told me I'm terrible at telling Math jokes.

She was mode to me.



Edit: Medium\*

Edit: Range\*

Edit: Average\*

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you

I miss him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

I was going to tell a chemistry joke

But all the good ones argon.

Husband: Sweetheart, I have something to tell you, I just don't know how to say it...

Wife: Just go on, say it...

Husband: Worcestershire

I was gonna tell you a sound joke

But it's probably going to Hz your ears.

People keep telling me I don’t have Friends, but they are wrong.

I have all 10 seasons on DVD.

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let me tell you something

Three people have sex : threesome

Four people have sex : foursome

Redditor : handsome

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.