Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke...

They consider cows to be sacred.

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.

We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, “5 penises!? How do you pants fit?”

The man replies “Like a glove.”

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

I don't know how to tell my wife of 15 years that she's been using her teeth WAY too often when she goes down on me.

How do I soften the blow?

Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”

The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old pilot is telling some schoolchildren about his days in the airforce. He says, "so there were 3 fuckers to the right of me, 1 fucker behind me and 2 fuckers to my left". The teacher interrupts, "you see children, the Fokker was a German plane".

The pilot replies, "that may be, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts".

A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news"...

"Ok, tell me the bad news first" says the patient.

"Well, you have incurable cancer" the doctor says.

"Oh my god, what could be the good news?"

"Well, you won't have it for very long"

I would tell a binary joke but...

01000010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 10000000011001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01101001 01110100 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110101 011101...

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

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A Husband and wife go to therapy. The Husband tells the therapist “ His wife gets historical every time she gets upset! The therapist corrected the husband and said “ hysterical”... the wife is sitting there with a smirk on her face. Like her husband is an idiot

The husband corrects the Therapist and said “ No she’s historical... she’s always bringing up the past “.

A doctor tells a woman she has a fatal illness and only six months to live.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asks.

“Yes, there is,” the doctor replies. “You could take Bikram Yoga every day for the next six months.”

“How will that help my illness?” the woman asks.

“Oh, it won’t help your illness,” says the doctor, “but it will make that six months seem...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

Tell the punchline first..

What's a great way to ruin a joke?

A grandad is telling a story to his grandson.

GRANDAD:"When I was a little boy like you, my mum used to give me only a one single dollar. And with that I got two packs of milk, a lot of eggs and two bags of potatoes."

GRANDSON: "But why you can't do that now?"

GRANDAD:Because nowadays there are too many of these f***ing cctv's."

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke he will post it for a lifetime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

I would tell you a joke about planes,

But it would go straight over your head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.

He was consumed by pride.

Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

A man had won the lottery and quickly went home to tell his wife.

Man: Honey, I just won the lottery, pack your bags!

Wife: Oh, that's fantastic, where are we going?

Man: I don't know where you're going, just be gone by five.

I was about to tell a joke about unemployment

But it needed work.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

I love telling dad jokes.

He used to laugh at them before he died.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke

But then I decided to abort

My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

How do you tell the difference between ravens and crows.

The long straight tail feathers on these birds are called pinions. Crows are known to have 7 pinions, while ravens have 8. So the difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarves.

Very little.

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

Claire’s been telling all her friends about how I’m a stalker.

She’s texting- hang on, there’s some glare on the window...

I don't tell jokes about metal

They're too ironic

What will a rat never tell you?

A squeakret.

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

Why don't ducks tell jokes when they fly?

Because they would quack up!

Wife : I have to tell you something.

Husband : Yes?
Wife : I am pregnant.
Husband : Hi pregnant, I am dad.
Wife : No you're not.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Tell me your best "guy with no arms and no legs" joke.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, laying in a pile of leafs?

Russel!

This farmer was telling me about how good his sheepdog was at maths

"Watch this" he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two?" And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four?" And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good" I replied "but he's a little over." "Yeah" answered the farmer "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up."

How can you tell if a hippie has been in your house?

He’s still there.

"Stop telling Jesus jokes!" Said my girlfriend

"Why? Does it make you cross?"

So my 6yo tells me a joke

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me something smells!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A silly joke my grandpa used to tell me

A man is walking down a roadside when he sees a street vendor selling umbrellas. One of them catches his eye, so he walks over, points at the umbrella and asks, "How much for this one?"

"$20," the vendor says.

The man knew that an umbrella being sold on the street would barely last in ...

Whenever someone gives you a tough time or is being ignorant tell them.

That the most surefire way to commit suicide is to jump from their ego, to their IQ

I will tell you joke about czech postal service.

But i dont know if you get it.

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she would like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

I had a guy tell me that I looked better without glasses.

I said, “I’m not wearing glasses.”

He said, “I know, but I am.”

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."

Then I said: "Turn left here."

Let me tell you about the time I smoked weed in Saudi Arabia...

I got stoned to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your roommate's gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

How could they tell the kraken was a girl...

By how much seamen she swallowed

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play has a cast.

I was digging in my garden this afternoon and found a chest full of gold coins, I immediately ran in to tell my wife about it

But then I realized why I was digging a hole in the first place...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

Son: daddy can you tell me about the bird and the bees?

Dad: well bee stands for the male and the bird stands for the female.
When 2 people love each other very much, the bee stings the bird essentially giving his life and the bird gets a pain in the ass

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

A Jewish man goes to his rabbi father to tell him he’s in love.

A young Jewish man goes to his father who is a rabbi and tells him he fell in love with a woman he wants to marry.

“What is her last name?” The father asks.

“Smith” the young man replies.

“Smith?” Says the father, “I’m sorry son, but Smith is not a Jewish last name, you must ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if an archaeologist is good?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.

How do you tell which clan a Scotsman is from?

Peek up his kilt. If he's got a quarter-pounder, he's a McDonald.

I’ll tell you what quid pro quo means...

But you have to give me something first.

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A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell he...

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

I really like telling children at the station...

...that the way to Hogwarts is just a matter of speed.

\*SmAacK!

"try again faster."

\*SMACK!

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar...

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to a woman, and says "I could tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long"

The woman turns to the man and says "I could tell you a joke about my pussy, but you wouldn't get it"

My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

I tell dad joke, but I don't have any kids.

I'm a faux pa

Please stop telling Epstein jokes.

I can hardly breathe anymore.

Why did Timmy's dad tell him he wanted to be a woman?

He was trying to be transparent.

I wanted to tell a deck joke

But screw it, you woodn't be interested

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

And this joke has been reposted 19 times.

How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

I wanted to tell a comminist joke, but it isn't funny...

Unless everyone gets it.

I wanted to tell a joke about soup kitchens.

But it was in poor taste.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ?

No son

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

I could tell you a joke I heard from my watch...

But that would be second-hand information.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.

He says "uno, dos..." *poof* he disappears without a tres.

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

People usually tell me everyone has a beautiful side.

Now I think I am a circle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I could tell you that my constipation doesn’t bother me

But I’d be full of shit

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

Someone should tell trump and his fellow Republicans that the constitution isn’t a bible

You can’t pick and choose which parts you want to obey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What to say if a male friend tells you he lost his virginity

Conjaculations.

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really but the desire will "disappear"."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

Out of all Cat Species, there is only one that never tells the truth. Which one is it?

I don't know, but I know said Cat will always be Lion to you.

How can you tell the difference between a can of soup and a can of baked beans?

Read the label.

What did yoda tell the snowman when he found out he had tunnelvision? (OC... you can probably tell)

All ICY is you!

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I was gonna tell a skeleton joke

But it was too humerus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is there any way to tell how your poop will come out? Runny or firm? Brown or green?

Or is it all by process of elimination?

Why shouldn’t you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take everything, literally.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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