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My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

.
.
.
.

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A little boy tells his nursery teacher that he found a dead cat

'How did you know that it was dead?' Asked the teacher

'Because i pissed in its ear & it didn't move' Said the boy

'You did what?!?' Shrieks the teacher

'You know' Explains the boy, 'I lent over and went Pssst & it didn't move"

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it’s always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

If you ask my son why he joined the Army he will proudly tell you he joined to military to kill people.

He's a terrible doctor.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn"

Stupid Firemen

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain

Nobody ever expects the Spanish ink precision.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

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Every time somebody tells me that they’re Pansexual...

...I tell them to stay out of my kitchen.

I'll tell you what I know about dwarves...

...very little.

I'm going to tell a Dad joke.

Hi, going to tell a Dad joke! I'm Dad!

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.

But they just didn't get it.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really but the desire will "disappear"."

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I could tell you that my constipation doesn’t bother me

But I’d be full of shit

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says " Uno , dos ," *poof*.

He disappears without a Tres.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said, “Turn left here.”

Why shouldn’t you tell a joke to a kleptomaniac?

They take everything, literally.

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart

It was simple.

Jill painted her nails purple and Bob had a cock.

How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.

But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

I've been thrown in prison for telling dad jokes...

Turns out I wasn't authorised, as I'm not a dad.


But don't worry, I'll be seeking a pa-role.

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ?

No son

People who can't tell the difference between etymology and entomology

bug me in ways I can't put into words

I like telling Dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs!

I'd tell you a joke about ADHD

God damnit, where was I going with this?

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands

For instance if they're placed around your throat she's probably upset.

Richard Pryor

How do you tell if somebody is anorexic?

Give them an onion ring and see if they eat it or use it as a hula hoop.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

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[NSFW] Yesterday I made the mistake of telling my wife to shave her pussy

The next morning I woke up bald

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What did the left nut tell the right nut?

Don't talk to the middle guy, he's a dick.

I’d love to tell you that you’re beautiful...

But beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been inside you yet.

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Two jokes that you will thank me for telling you

**The first joke can only be told by someone with a penis**

Call up a friend and say "Hey man/woman, i got a joke and it's a two parter. The first part of the joke is, what has a small dick and hangs down?" Regardless of their answer, it's a bat. Then say, "What has a big dick and hangs up?" ...

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My therapist wanted to tell me about the 5 stages of grief. I said...

But nothing bad has happened! How DARE you imply that it has? I'm only paying half for this session. Thanks for ruining my good mood... Okay, tell me all about it.

I would tell you a Chemistry joke...

But all the goods ones argon

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

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This joke is from Egypt but i'll try telling it in English

a private competition was held between England Japan and Egypt
Who can last longer in bed
the president of each country was present
and it's important to know that Egypt was represented by a guy from upper Egypt
so
the English man lasted two hours
the Japanese two and a half
thi...

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

I keep telling this joke about the plane that crashed into the twin towers

It's a shame it never lands

I rounded up all the anti-vaxx people in the world to tell them a joke…

but none of them were old enough to understand.

What is the easiest way to tell a construction worker from a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized.

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Two potato’s are standing on a corner. How can you tell which one is a prostitute?

Look for the sticker that says Idaho.

I have lots of jokes to tell about fat people and doors

But they just never seem to fit

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog...

He’s adopted

How do you tell if someones vegan?

They'll tell YOU

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH NOW

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"

"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

Someone once challenged me to tell a joke about beavers

I told them: Dam, I can’t .

Can someone tell me what an "anti-joke" is?

I really want to know.

Can you tell me another name for a ninja star?

Sure I can.

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I was worried my doctor would tell me I was drinking too much alcohol.

Surprisingly, he said I should drink more.

I jumped up and screamed "Fuck yeah!"

He said "...water. Please don't interrupt."

It is difficult to tell who gives some couples the most happiness.

The minister who marries
them or the judge who divorces them.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Telling a lie....

Telling a Lie is a

sin for a child,

fault for an adult,

an art for a lover,

a profession for a lawyer,

a requirement for a politician,

a management tool for a boss,

an accomplishment for a bachelor,

an excuse for a subordinate, but

A mat...

The police kept telling me that I must take a break from work but I refused

I was charged with resisting a rest.

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Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today?

Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

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What did the left butt cheek tell the right one..?

If we stick together, we can stop this shit!

A lady in college complains about how it's taking so long to get through school. I tell her I know, I went for 8 years.

I'm still happy I stopped going after the 8th grade.

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

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My girlfriend keeps telling me a small penis is nothing to be ashamed of.

I still wish she didn't have one though...

A friend started telling me about his new found interest in backwards origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

People tell me I'm good at handling credit

Which is why I always have an outstanding balance.

I would tell you a joke about my washing up liquid...

But it’s not Fairy Original

My doctor tells me I'm addicted to procrastinating.

It's not true, though - I can start whenever I want!

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

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Husband: Babe can you tell me something that makes me feel good and bad at the same time?

Wife: Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick.

I want to tell you guys a joke my friend told me but I’m not sure if you already

Reddit

If you want to impress a date, don't tell them you use AdBlock

I installed it the other day and now none of the hot singles even want to talk to me

a father who never tells a lie

Once An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid t...

How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?

He misses her!

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I was gonna tell a joke about 2 skeletons having sex...

...but that would've been the last nail in the coffin.

What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

How can you tell when there's a guitar player at your door?

They dont know when to come in and they're using the wrong key.

Why should you never tell a joke to a kidnapper?

Because they’ll take you, seriously.

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In the middle of a sexual act an old lady tells her husband:

–You are like a cell phone!

The proud Old Man says:
\- Do I vibrate a lot?

\-No, when you enter the tunnel you drop the signal ...

Sweetheart I have something to tell you.

Wife: What is it, honey ?

Husband: I ..... I got another woman pregnant.

Wife: Goddammit.

Husband: I know...

Wife: I hate that joke but I'm proud of your work as a fertility doctor!

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

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This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Can you tell me the formula of Nitrogen Monoxide?

NO

How can you tell if a blonde girl tried to kill herself in your bathroom?

You see bullets holes in the mirror.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't going to tell this joke, because it's offensive to blind people

But you know what, fuck em'



They're not going to see this.

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I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

How do you tell an oral thermometer from a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

The wife and I decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tomorrow.

I would tell you guys a time travel joke

But you didn't like it.

How can you tell if a man is married by his title?

You can't, it's a mistery.

What did Ken tell Ryu when Ryu thought he couldn't defeat M. Bison?

"SUUUUUUUREYOUCAN!"

I try not to tell dad jokes anymore.

He’s been dead for a good 5 hours now,

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Whenever I tell my friends about something I’ve done I always seem to make myself out to be gay, even though I’m not

I just can’t get my stories straight

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Son goes to dad to tell him he learned to get an errection whistling.

"Dad, dad. Look!" He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
"Very good, my son. Just like your dad. Look." He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Uncle sees that and approves. Then, demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Grand...

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A wife tells her husband that she wants breast implants

Her husband says, "Why on earth would you want to do that? You look gorgeous exactly the way you are."

"But I'm not HAPPY!" the wife complains.

The husband replies, "Well, I want you to be happy. But we don't need to spend a ton of money on implants. All you need to do is rub some toi...

You know I would tell y’all a communism joke,

But it wouldn’t be funny unless everyone got it.

A man on his deathbed is telling his friend his final wishes

Man: I have two final wishes

Friend: what are they?

Man: firstly I'd like my remains scattered over Disney Land

Friend: and?

Man: secondly, I don't want to be cremated.

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram. But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alo...

When people ask me and my wife how long we've been married, I tell them, "Ten wonderful years!"

"Fourteen total."

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath

Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

How does an egg tell a joke?

It doesn't..it tells a yolk that makes you crack up

People keep telling me that ancient statues of people are idealized to make the person look better.

I guess you could say their features are chiseled.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I tell people i'm more of a tits guy

But really I just have a bird fetish.

Stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from a staircase?

No stepson

Why don't chickens tell their eggs any jokes?

Coz it would crack them up.

What do you tell someone who gets lucky in the loo?

_Urine_ luck

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm"?

"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbi enters a confessional and tells the priest “I had sex with two 19 year old girls”

The priest says “You’re not Catholic, why are you telling me?”


“I’m telling everybody”

Little Tommy was asked what he thinks heaven is like. He says, “I think everyone would be children constantly playing around and wresting with each other. There’d be no adults to tell us to stop or get us in trouble.”

The priest responds, “sounds like heaven to me too.”

I wish I were good at telling pizza jokes

But I always botch the DiGiorno

What did Darwin’s son tell his siblings?

You’re adapted!

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How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

My friend was telling me about his plans to build a second level on his home

It sounded like a tall story

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every after...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

I wanted to tell a joke about a friend who lives upstairs..

But that’s another storey.

If you need an ark to move animals, just tell me

I Noah guy

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

How can you tell when you’re in a bad strip bar?

The pole is bent.

Why do we tell actors to break a leg?

Because every play needs a cast

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns. After telling him, he asked if I had stutter. So I told him "No, I'm only worried about the vitamin d deficiency!"

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

“Hey man, did your Geography teacher tell you what the newest US state is?”

“ I don’t know, but Alaska.”

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss?

How can you tell if someone has short term memory loss?

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

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