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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

I could tell you a COVID joke...

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

How does a blind man tell if he's done wiping?

Taste test

Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between a cooking pot and his best friend?

They're both cauldron

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

I wanted to tell a joke about Jonestown

but the punch line is too long.

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A ventriloquist was performing in a club telling dumb blonde jokes...

With his dummy on his knee, he begins his usual routine of dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blond woman in the audience stands on her chair and starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women like that?What does the color of a person's hair...

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

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A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

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A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”

Because every play has a cast

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

I wrote this joke, tell me what you think.

A vulture was boarding an airplane but was stopped at the gate and told he couldn't board. They said his carrion was too large.

I know my wife loves me and all, but I don't think she needs to tell everybody.

Just yesterday, when the mailman arrived at our house, she rushed downstairs yelling, "My husband is home! My husband is home!"

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

Tell a girl she's beautiful one hundred times and she'll not believe you. Tell her once she's fat and she'll always remember

Because elephants never forget

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My Dad always used to tell me that too much masturbation makes you go blind.

If only he could see me now.

How can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

How do you tell the difference between a male and female chromosome?

You pull down it’s genes!

I constantly tell dad jokes even though I have no kids...

...Guess that's what they call a faux pa.

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Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Fucking fireman.

I tell it in the wrong order.

Why am i bad at telling jokes?

Tell me a fruit joke...

Mangoes in to a bar

Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something

Son under his breath: I bet I’m adopted

Dad: You were ado...

Dad dies

Son: Knew it

Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby

Dad dies

Son: Awww, thats so sweet

Dad wakes up: That’s why we adopted you

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A man tells his friend, "I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl."

His friend asks, "Who?"

What did the male magnet tell the female magnet?

“When I saw your backside I was repelled, but now that I see your frontside I am very attracted”

I was going to tell you a Covid-19 joke...

But there's a 99% chance you wouldn't get it.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

If you see a Spanish person tell them "mucho"

It means a lot to them

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

I was going to tell a dead baby joke.....

But decided to abort it.


Keep it going!

A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal,

(Told to me by my friend Dave)

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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It’s Monday morning Show and Tell in Mrs. Brown’s kindergarten class.

She asks the class what they did over the weekend.

Timmy raises his hand, “I rode on the choo-choo!” Mrs. Brown shakes her head and corrects him, “No, Timmy. You rode a TRAIN. Remember class, we don’t use baby words anymore. We use grown-up words when we talk about things.”

Susie thin...

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

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I hate people who make fun of Uranus by calling it names like your anus. I always tell these people:

You're heinous.

I love telling Dad Jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

A preacher tells his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. "

"To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, the preacher asks who read it, with every hand going up. The preacher smiles and says, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Please do not tell lame jokes on this sub.

I will not stand for them.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

How do you tell a dyslexic person made a Reddit post?

Edit: spelling.

I would tell y’all a joke about time travel...

But y’all didn’t like it

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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The husband tells the doctor...

... that his wife has lost interest in sex and hasn't had an orgasm for a year. The doctor assures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife tells the doctor, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a ca...

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Hitler: Tell me a joke!

Stalin: Ok, Moscow.

Hitler: ......I didn’t get it.

Stalin: Exactly

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

How can you tell if someone is Canadian

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Can someone please tell me what TBH IDK mean?

and please stop saying to be honest i don't know

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know t...

My friend asked why I wouldn’t tell him my military rank.

I told him it’s Private.

My robotics professor likes to tell people he's MIT

Made In Taiwan

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Those little lies you tell at the bowling alley

Bowlshit

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

A Doctor tells his patient that it’s okay to smoke, drink, be fat, etc

Patient: But isn’t that bad?

Doctor: That’s why I have the highest patient return rate.

I think my family is finally catching on to me telling jokes in sign language...

They've been standing further away, so I can't hit them with the punch line anymore.

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

I’d tell you an airplane joke.

But it’d go over your head.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3

A Mexican magician tells the crowd he will disappear at the count of 3.

He goes,"Uno, Dos...." and POOF!

He disappears without a Tres.

A teacher asked a student," Tell me the 1st Law of Newton"

"I don't remember the whole line, just the last part"

"Ok tell the last part"

"... and this is called the 1st Law of Newton

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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

What's a way to tell that someone is sleep deprived?

Sorry I thought this was AskReddit

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Every time I tell a joke, I end up shitting myself.

But my humor has always tended to be a little self-defecating.

I'd tell you a joke about inert gases...

...but I don't think it'll get much of a reaction.

Kim Jong Un proudly tells his advisors:“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
<...

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Two guys sit at a bar. One tells the other: I opened a brothel, a blowjob is 25$ and anal is 50$.

The other guy asks: And how much is normal?

The guy replies: I don’t know, I don’t have employees.

I would tell you a joke about a broken pencil...

but there's no point.

How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?

It doesn’t have a home page.

Why shouldn't you tell your crush death-related jokes?

It kills the conversation :/

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

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How can you tell Donald trump has fake hair?

Is that your final answer?

>!Dude holds all press conferences next to a fucking helicopter and his hair doesn’t move!<

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

People are always telling me to live my dream...

... but I don't **want** to take an exam I haven't studied for...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

What did the jar say when I put a lid on it after telling it I wouldn't do that

I feel lid on

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My friend and I both had dick jokes to tell a co-worker

My friend politely said I can go first because mine is shorter.

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

I thought about telling you a Covid-19 joke.

But there's 99.62% chance you won't get it.

Thanks random person for the award.

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

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A joke I heard a priest tell decades ago that for some reason stayed with me

A drunk man is walking home through a graveyard at the end of an evening, and in the dark, he falls into an unfinished grave that's still being dug.

He tries and tries to climb the dirt walls and fails, so he yells and yells for help, but no one is nearby. So finally he lies down and goes to...

My daughter didn't tell me she was studying a math degree

Must have been discreet math

How can you tell if you're getting a handjob from M. Night Shyamalan ?

There's a giant twist right at the end.

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street. Stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

They loaded her into the police car one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.

As they drove through the streets, they kept asking the woman where she lived. All she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "You're Passionate."

They drove a while longer and aske...

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A man wins the lottery, and gleefully rushes home to tell his wife. Pack your bags honey, I've won it big! That's amazing she says. Should I pack for the beach? The mountains? Italy? France?

It doesn't matter, he says, just get the fuck out!

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing piec...

My dad used to tell me "always ask before taking something"

He was a good dad but a horrible thief.

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A man goes to the hardware store and tells the clerk he needs to cut down some trees.

The clerk sells him a chain saw. About three hours later the man returns, covered in sweat.

He tells the clerk, "This didn't work at all. It took me two hours to cut down one medium size tree"

The clerk takes the saw and says ,"Let's see what is wrong with it", then starts up the saw...

I called the library and asked if they could tell me when the Mesozoic Era started.

She said, "About 250 million years ago."

I said, "Could you be more specific? It's for homework."

She said, "Hang on a minute."

She came back and said, "It started September 17, two-hundred and fifty-one million years BC."

Policeman: My dog tells me you're on drugs.

Me: You're the one with the talking dog!

If you really don't want someone to do something, tell them to do it, then scream "YGOLOHCYSP".

Classic reverse psychology.

How can you tell if a clown has just farted?

They smell funny!

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I got a wife with problems, it's awful I tell you!

She likes to talk during sex. Last week she called me from the Hotel.

My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

What did the librarian tell her son?

**Read more**

My dog tried to tell me i ate the wrong kind of mushroom

But by that point, i knew it was far too late

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

I would tell a joke about the seaside

But I don’t want to be a beach or shellfish. I can under sand why you don’t want to hear them and I’m sad my jokes can’t surface. I cliff you not, I do have jokes and oh buoy is it annoying that I can’t tell them but I guess someone else’s joke caught your sails. I do (f)eel like my jokes have a ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

I keep on telling my friends that I think one of them might secretly be an owl

But all they respond with is “Who?”

I would tell you guys a joke about pipes...

... But that would be too much pressure on me

My roommate tried telling me I'm schizophrenic

But jokes on him, he's not real

People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial

I guess I'm just a late boomer.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn’t even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He’s your son after all

*\*robot s...

Teach a man a joke, he'll tell it too everyone,

But teach a man to copy & paste, he'll tell everyone's jokes.

How many times does a German have to tell you no

Nine

What kind of jokes do you tell during quarantine?

Inside jokes

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How do you tell the sex of an ant?

You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant.


If it floats...

A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him...

“I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That's it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

The father hangs up and David immediately c...

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

How can you tell if your partner is too overweight?

If they sit on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

A kindergarten teacher was telling her students about different kinds of animals.

"Whales are the largest" she said, "but they can't swallow people, because their throats are too small."
"But in the Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by a whale", said a little girl. "You can't always believe what you read", the teacher replied. "Well, when I go to heaven", said the little...

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

They'd crack each other up!

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows

I would tell you a joke about noble gases

But all the good jokes argon

Three women die and go to heaven. St. Peter tells them he ask to ask each of them a question.

The first woman walks up, and St. Peter asks her "Who was the first man on Earth?"

"Oh, that's an easy one! That was Adam!" And lights flash, and bells ring, and the gates open, and she walks in.

The second woman walks up, and St. Peter asks her "Who was the first woman on Earth?"
<...

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells an employee that she’d like to buy a rabbit.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

How can you tell a dinosaur is an herbivore?

They will tell you within three minutes of meeting them and remind you every fifth sentence.

How can you tell the God of thunder is European?

He still has his thorskin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What musical instrument does the president use to tell his wife he wants to have sex?

Trump-bone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her he went to M.I.T

"I graduated in two years" he said as he ordered her a drink. "Now I have a good job."

She was very impressed, but slightly confused. "How did you graduate within two years? I thought most people need at least four?"

"Oh, I'm not that dumb" he said as the drinks arrived. She thought no...

We should tell Britain, Spain, and Portugal that there are tons of gold out in space

So they can put more effort into space travel and space colonization.

Why can't mothers tell dad jokes?

It would be a faux-pa.

How can you tell whether a mathematician is introverted or extroverted?

The introverted mathematician will look at his shoes while telling you something.

The extroverted will look at your shoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jerry F Jr comes home and tells his wife:

My dear, due to the crisis, we will have to cut some expenses, so we will have to fire the cook. You have to learn how to cook.
Okay - answers Becky, the wife - and we can get rid of the pool boy as soon as you learn how to have sex.

How can you tell that the children of anti-vaxxers are radioactive?

They have half-lives.

People keep telling me the fact I lost my ability to smell could be due to Corona and I should get tested.

That's nonsense, I think it's due to the frequent washing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

DOG: “Tell me joke”

ME: “Knock Knock”


DOG “OMG SOMEONES AT THE DOOR, BRB!”

I met a girl named Terese on Tinder. She was so guarded she wouldn’t even tell me her last name.

She’s just Miss Terese to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men are sitting around telling stories...

“Did I ever tell you about my run-in with a grizzly bear?”

“If you did, I don’t remember”

“Well, I was walking along this trail when out of nowhere a grizzly bear jumped out at me! RAWRRRRRRR!”

“Oh my god! What happened?”

“I crapped my pants”

“Well, that’s understa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

I was pondering why people keep telling me that juggling bricks is a bad idea.

Then it hit me.

How can you tell the head nurse in a hospital?

She’s got the dirtiest knees

How can you tell if someone Amish is an alcoholic?

They keep falling off the wagon.

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