I bought a dachshund on a cowboy’s recommendation.

He told me to get a long little doggy.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

9/10 doctors recommended Colgate

Except Dr Pepper

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My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

My mate recommended I try the new Breadcrumb aftershave

Apparently the birds love it!

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

It is now recommended to wear a mask inside your own home

To avoid being 400 lbs. by the time the quarantine is over.

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

What is a holiday destination recommended by dentists?

Fluorida

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Doctor, what do you recommend me for yellow teeth?

A brown tie

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

I asked her "Do you spit or swallow?" She slapped me and stormed off!

Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

Russian roulette is an amazing game...

5 out of 6 people recommend it.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

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The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and tells the bartender, “I don’t drink too often, so what would you recommend?” Bartender says, “I make a pretty good grasshopper.” Guy replies, “Cool, I’ll have one.” So the bartender whips it up, the guy drinks it, and heads out of the bar.
While walking to his car the guy notic...

A man goes to the doctor

"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"

The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."

A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So,...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

If you want to open a store, I recommend selling stoves

You'll immediately offer a range of hot products

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

I was late for my first meeting of Fight Club last night and I missed the rules.

Anyway I enjoyed Fight Club, and I really recommend Fight Club.

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

Let's see if I can properly translate this joke from Hindi: Dewan, a friend of mine was curses with a tiny pecker.

He was the cause of many disappointments in bed. One day he got fed up and asked us for help. Another friend of ours, Ahmad, recommend a guru who sat atop a mountain in the Himalayas. He said the climb would be difficult but the journey will be worth it.
Dewan without a second thought left for th...

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda...

That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan...

A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.

A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.

“The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.”

A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the tr...

Applied for a job today and they asked for three letters of recommendation

So I replied "Easy! R, E and K!"

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor.

“Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”

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Sex is like facemasks

It's recommended, not required.

Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?

I need a new one for my watch.

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

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A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?

The last dentist is busy killing a lion

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

Your momma is soooo fat.....

she violates the social distance recommendations all by herself!

A Christian preacher is at an economics discussion.

Preacher: "there has been a large increase in temptation over the last 50 years"

Business man: "no, that's conflation of inflation and temptation"

Preacher: "no, your just putting probation on my recommendation of my conversation"

Business man: "your sensation elation over the ...

one of the best documentarys

ive ever watched on netflix is about a chinese couple who didnt board the Malaysian flight 370 (one that disappeared) when they should have done. All sorts of conspiracy theories. worth a watch, highly recommended.

It's called 2 wongs dont make a flight

Hey, have you read this book about automation? I'd recommend it.

It's a real page turner.

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

I was dating a dentist.

I was really confused when she recommended Oral-B.

Just had an email from Trip Advisor.

They recommend LSD.

Abbot & Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and
Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,<...

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines

You can't beat that!

I recommend giving up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's Excel lent.

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

When YouTube keeps recommending Iron Man videos after you seen Endgame

“Everywhere I go, I see his face”

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

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I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?

“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”

Can I recommend getting a vase?

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

A man walks into a bar...

There’s only him, the barman and a guy about a foot high playing the piano.
‘What you want to drink?’ Asks the barman.
‘ any recommendations?’ replies the guy.
‘ we have genie beer, you get a free wish when you open the bottle’
So the guy gets one, opens the bottle and asks for a million...

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

Why did the doctor recommend that 7 eat 9?

Because he recommends 3 squared meals per day

[NSFW] 9 out of 10 doctors recommend BDSM

The 10th one is tied up.

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

My wife gave me a choice...

... watching Titanic with her or washing dishes, cleaning carpets, and cleaning bathroom.

Quick question: which bleach would you recommend?

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

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An old guy is not able to get his younger wife to cum

and therefor they decide to get some help from a sex therapist. So they sit in front of this therapist and the therapist says “the problem is obvious. I know how to help. You need to search at Craigslist for a specific kind of man. He needs to be tall, athletic and needs to have a dick that makes a ...

A blonde has achy feet, so her doctor recommends she soak them in sea water twice a day.

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.

She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"

Happy to mak...

A new study shows 4 out of 5 dentists recommend...

That people stop using the other guy.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Alright, guys. It's that time of year again: I'm planning on taking my girlfriend out for Valentines Day

Can anyone recommend me a good girlfriend?

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment and left with the worst pain in my neck

I don't recommend Dr. Acula.

BREAKING NEWS: Young man crashed into the back of a semi and died on the way to see a movie his friends recommended to him.

He didn’t see the trailer.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

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An elderly married couple are at the doctor's, and he has some bad news.

"Mrs Smith," he says, "I'm afraid you have developed quite a serious heart murmur. In view of your age and frailty, I cannot recommend surgery. You still have several years left to you if you are careful to avoid excitement, and in particular, I have to emphasise that, if you have continued to be se...

I just got LASIK done and I highly recommend it to everyone thinking about it.

20/20, would do again.

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

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