The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend United Airlines.

One was removed.

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

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I have an extreme phobia of spending money. My doctor recommends a therapist...

But have you seen how much they charge?

Marketeer: On a scale from one to ten, how big is the change you would recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: zero.

Marketeer: So, I take it, you don't like our product?

RedditUser: No, no, your product is ok.

Marketeer: But then why don't you want to recommend our product to your friends?

RedditUser: I don't have any friends.

I don't recommend buying thay book about the farmland that the farmer didn't finish seeding

It's full of plot holes

I ate a ghost once. I wouldn't recommended it.

Tasted like sheet.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

Hey, I wanted to recommend this book to you full of terrible opinions from the least-informed people you can imagine.

Thanks, but I already Reddit.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

I bought a dachshund on a cowboy’s recommendation.

He told me to get a long little doggy.

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My gf recommended I get a penis enlargement surgery. I told her I'd get it done...

... as long as it made her happy

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I met a Harry Potter fanfic writer. But their writting was very boring, they were just retelling the original plot in other words. I recommended them to take a break, read something different for new perspective/inspiration, and then try again.

They took my advice and then month later they sent me draft of the first chapter of their new fanfic.

"-You know Harry, Ron said. I'm not really Irish. I'm actually Jewish.

-Then I have something to tell you too, Harry said, smiling. This train isn't really going to Hogwarts."

...

9/10 doctors recommended Colgate

Except Dr Pepper

My mate recommended I try the new Breadcrumb aftershave

Apparently the birds love it!

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!

### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

Oral-B

Was sitting with my SO watching tv and an Oral-B commercial comes onto the screen. The commercial plays saying all the great things about their toothbrush, how effective it is against plaque buildup and that 9/10 dentist recommend it etc. after listening for a minute I look over at my SO and say “we...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

I took my date for a romantic time at the Four Seasons..

She was ecstatic and bought several rare seedlings and pots of plants.. 5/5 would recommend!

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

I joined a club...

It's called Fight Club. I was a little late to the first meeting so I missed the introductory rules, but I highly recommend it for everyone and would love to discuss it with anyone who's interested.

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

It is now recommended to wear a mask inside your own home

To avoid being 400 lbs. by the time the quarantine is over.

I once was dared to eat a clock

I would not recommend doing it, as it was really time consuming.

Was not that bad though, i even had seconds...

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

Doctor, what do you recommend me for yellow teeth?

A brown tie

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day, but to be perfectly honest, it wasn't all that relaxing. In fact, my eyes are in a lot of pain right now...

I did however, managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

Enterprise maintenance log, stardate 2259.55: Today, the main sewage system got jammed by the captain's log again.

Medical promised to recommend a change to his diet.

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

The recommendation to self-isolate by governments feels like we were all given a group project and so far the progress seems similar to a typical group project.

The minority is doing most of the work while everyone else does whatever they want.

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Over.

Americans: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Over.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision...

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A guy suffering from banging headaches, finally gets to see a specialist after baffling doctors for years.

He explains to the specialist that for years now he has been suffering from banging headaches, and everything he has tried so far has no impact on the headaches at all.

The specialist carries out an examination, pokes and prods around a bit and has an idea. He runs a couple tests to be sure, ...

Guys, I need a favor.

I want you to recommend me a present with a cost of 200 bucks to give to my girlfriend.


I also want you to find me a girlfriend to give her the present.


Last thing..

I need 200 bucks.

A polygamist lion walks into a bar with 3 of his wives: a giraffe, an ostrich and a llama.

He walks up to the bar and asks the rhino bartender to recommend a beer.

Rhino: "Sure, we have lots of great choices on tap."

Lion: "C'mon man... Can't you see I prefer longnecks?"

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I recently got my ass kicked at a Mexican restaurant.

I don’t recommend ordering the machos.

(LONG) Man walks into bakery, picks out a few loaves of bread, then heads to check-out.

(been a while since I've seen this repost, bear with me)
The clerk is a healthy young lady, and she starts ringing him up. He's been wanting to branch out in his breakfast routine, and asks if she has any recommendations. She points to the top shelf behind her, and says that she really likes th...

What did the Frog say after being recommended a book he had already finished?

Reddit, reddit.

A man had a problem, he couldn't stop heating meat

Whenever he saw cold meat, he sought out the nearest oven or microwave and heated it.

His wife took him to multiple doctors, who sad there was nothing wrong with him.

Eventually they go to a psychologist, who recommends they remove all the cold meat and heating appliances from the hous...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda

1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan

Russian roulette is an amazing game...

5 out of 6 people recommend it.

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

There once was a monkey who lived in a jungle.

Now this monkey was very intelligent and had started to get fed up of eating with her hands. After a long time planning and sketching on leaves, she finally created some tools to help her eat!
Her first, she called a sharp tool which she used for cutting her food.
Her second was a round tool w...

Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste?

The last dentist is busy killing a lion

A patient walks into his Doctor’s office and asks “I’ve been having this really bad pain in my back and money is kinda tight at the moment. Can you recommend any natural healing agents? Perhaps even meditation?”

The doctor replies “sorry sir, I’m just not sha-man.”

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor.

“Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”

Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?

I need a new one for my watch.

I DON'T HAVE AN INTERESTING TITLE

A young man (YM) walks into a pharmacy, greets the owner and go straight to where the condoms are stored. After 10 minutes the owner notice that the young man is still there and decide to go and see if he can help him. The owner sees that he seems a bit lost and ask if he need some advice.

YM...

Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes

Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position

as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

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A man goes to the doctor and says:

**"Doctor, I'm sick and tired of my voice being unnaturally deep. Is there anything that can be done about it?"**

So the doctor runs some tests and then says "Would you mind just dropping your trousers for me please?" and the patient says "**Why?**" and the doctor says "There's a rare conditi...

A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and tells the bartender, “I don’t drink too often, so what would you recommend?” Bartender says, “I make a pretty good grasshopper.” Guy replies, “Cool, I’ll have one.” So the bartender whips it up, the guy drinks it, and heads out of the bar.
While walking to his car the guy notic...

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

A man goes to the doctor

"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"

The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."

A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So,...

I just got fired from the post office

My supervisor took me into his office and we actually had a really good conversation. He told me that I wasn't meeting expectations in my current position, and that they didn't have any other jobs open at the moment. I said that I could see where he was coming from, and that I had no hard feelings. ...

Hey, have you read this book about automation? I'd recommend it.

It's a real page turner.

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

You should get a candle.

If you have a smelly room I would recommend getting a candle. It just makes scents.

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

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A poor family from India move to London in search of a better life (long)

On their first evening in their new home, the man of the house goes out to buy what he can with the little money he has.

He finds a small store where he buys some food for his family.

Paying for the food he remembers he should buy some toilet paper.

The shopkeeper recommends D...

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A doctor joke

(You May only get if you understand the nature of the different medical specialties)

A surgeon, internist, radiologist, and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time.

They are huddled in the duck blind and the first bird goes flying in front of them, but they can’t clearly make o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once read a sexual health website that recommended men stick their dick in an oven...

I thought to myself, "Now that's a hot tip"

A new employee on his first day working at Walmart.

A new employee is being trained on the first day of his job. His supervisor explains to him how to do his job.

“The trick is to lead customers to products based on what they want. Let me demonstrate.”

A customer approaches and explains that he needs something for his garden, and the tr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

When YouTube keeps recommending Iron Man videos after you seen Endgame

“Everywhere I go, I see his face”

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

Why did the doctor recommend that 7 eat 9?

Because he recommends 3 squared meals per day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like facemasks

It's recommended, not required.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A locksmith works on a back door to a house as a man approaches.

The man is irate, as he’s constantly paranoid that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

“What’re you doing at my house? Are you spying on my girlfriend!?” The man barks, as the locksmith was currently eyeing the keyhole. The locksmith explains that he’s there to fix the door and the man calms d...

4 out of 5 dentists recommend flossing...

The fifth is out killing lions.

A blonde has achy feet, so her doctor recommends she soak them in sea water twice a day.

She's never been to the beach before, so she's glad to have a good excuse to go there.

She gets a hotel room near the beach and takes two empty buckets down to the shore. There's a lifeguard up on the stand, so she asks him, "How much for two bucketfuls of your sea water?"

Happy to mak...

A new study shows 4 out of 5 dentists recommend...

That people stop using the other guy.

Your momma is soooo fat.....

she violates the social distance recommendations all by herself!

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

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