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Recommend Jokes

I recently ate Donkey meat, I don't recommend it

It tastes like Ass

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda

1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of cakes. I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

Why do doctors recommend apple juice?

Cause OJ will kill you.

Doctors recommend not drinking while pregnant.

My mom also recommends not drinking right before getting pregnant.

9 out of 10 recommend

What’s the best way to get “fresh from the dentist” feeling every time you brush?



Only do it once a week

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

My Canadian friend asks me to recommend a move.

Me: "Have you seen Titanic?"

Him: "What's it about?"

Me: "Yeah, a really big one. And it sinks."

2 out of 3 Bee gees recommend

Staying alive.

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My therapist recommended I take up meditation

She said at least its' better than sitting doing nothing.

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

I strongly recommend against stitching up your own wounds.

But if you insist, suture self.

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."

Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

Can anyone recommend a good bank account?

Mine's run out of money.

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My therapist recommended CBT

I dunno if it's working, but boy do my cock and balls hurt

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

Can someone recommend a good vacuum?

Because it seems like they all suck.

Why shouldn’t you recommend a book to a social media user?

Because they have probably already Reddit

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

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Therapist recommended I try using CBT to help with depression

I still feel dead inside, but at least now my balls are too

There is only one diet I can recommend while pregnant.

The body builder diet

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

Doctor, what do you recommend me for yellow teeth?

A brown tie

5 out of 6 people would recommend it...

5 out of 6 people who played Russian roulette, would recommend it to others.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend flossing...

The fifth is out killing lions.

A friend recommended contrast hot / cold shower

So I tried it. Don't see any health benefits yet but I have become easier to peel.

News: Doctors recommend Pizza and pancake diet for Covid-19 patients

And all other foods that can fit under the door.

Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?

I need a new one for my watch.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

Soon Finland will recommend to keep 1 m distance from each other

it will be really awkward to stand so close to people.

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As an internist, I always recommend that constipated patients eat more fiber, but with little success.

Apparently, they don't give a shit.

What kind of toothpaste do priests recommend?

Oral-B

If you want to open a store, I'd recommend selling stoves

Because you'll immediately offer a range of hot products.

I would not recommend eating at the new Star Wars themed restaurant...

The burgers are chewy

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Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on "How to identify if a guy is gay".

Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

Trump recommends taking chloroquine phosphate.

Anyone who listens will be given a posthumous degree in biology from Trump University and a guarantee the Coronavirus will not kill them.

I don't recommend buying thay book about the farmland that the farmer didn't finish seeding

It's full of plot holes

Can you recommend me a GDPR expert?

–Yes!

–Can I have their email address?

–No

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

Trump recommends injections with disinfectant to save thousands

True if he does it first.

I recently switched to an all Middle Eastern diet and can't say I recommend it

I falafel.

How often do music experts recommend you listen to your Bob Marley albums?

Reggae-larly

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Why did the doctor recommend that 7 eat 9?

Because he recommends 3 squared meals per day

I wouldn't recommend eating German sausage...

It's the wurst!

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

A man asks his good friend if he can recommend a doctor.

“Yeah,” the man says, “I’ll give you the number to the guy we go see. He’s a family doctor. He treats mine and I support his.”

Hey, have you read this book about automation? I'd recommend it.

It's a real page turner.

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

If you adjust your posture based on someone's recommendation,

Do you stand corrected?

9/10 dentists recommend good dental hygiene...

The other dentist is from England.

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

My visit to Poland

I met a Polish friend of mine and told him I want to explore what Poland has to offer.
I asked about the beer culture.
“We have lots of beers, ales, ciders, lagers, you name it!”
“Great, what would you recommend?”
“Anything Czech…”
So instead we went out for lunch.
“...

A new study shows 4 out of 5 dentists recommend...

That people stop using the other guy.

What is the name of that restaurant?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man...

I recommend everyone to go swimming with piranhas.

It's a once in a lifetime experience.

I need a recommendation for a good breakfast wine.

Something that would compliment baloney pancakes - or a nice Cheetos frittata.

(Bonus points if I can make it myself in the bathtub.)

Irish accent recommended

A young Irish man named Paddy was moving away to London. He went to his next door neighbors (3 miles away) to say his goodbyes. His neighbors, Mr and Mrs Dunne, said their goodbyes and they asked Paddy


"Could you find our daughter Nelly Dunne and ask her why she isn't writing back home p...

Why do only 99.9% of dentists recommend Listerine?

Because the other .1% is too busy out hunting lions

My mate recommended I try the new Breadcrumb aftershave

Apparently the birds love it!

One of my friends recommend circumcision

It wasn't all it was cut out to be

Businesses are starting to open up. In fact, the LEGO store is open now, but I recommend staying away for a while.

People will be lined up for blocks.

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

If, at first, you don't succeed...

I would not recommend skydiving.

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

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They say you should treat people the way you want to be treated. They call it The Golden Rule. But personally, I don't recommend that because at the end of the day,

You're just giving out free blow jobs for nothing in return!

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

I got a recommendation from Pops on a TV series to watch

After watching it I can say it indeed was a jolly good show

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

It's recommended you dress warmly in the Andes Mountains.

That place is Chile.

My friend wanted a scary movie recommendation

I suggested An Inconvenient Truth

I just got LASIK done and I highly recommend it to everyone thinking about it.

20/20, would do again.

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Today's Recommendation

A pretty blonde decides to have a facelift for her 40th birthday. She spends $20,000 and feels pretty good about the results as she now looks so much younger and sexier. On her way home, she stops at a news-stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the salesgirl, “I hope you don’t mind m...

I have ADHD and have troubles getting to sleep. Doctor recommended counting sheep...

1 sheep. 2 sheep. 3 sheep. Cow. Duck. Horse. *Old MacDonald had a farm* and bingo was his name-o!

Wanna watch a movie with my girlfriend & need recommendations...

... on how to get a girlfriend.

The CDC is now recommending wearing TWO masks as a way to get a better seal around your nose and mouth.

It's also a good statistical approach to get the average American to wear ONE mask. (Sorry, that was a mean joke.)

My friends recommended the British Casino weight loss method

It really works. I've already lost fifty pounds.

My doctor recommended that I stay away from trans fats

I should stop using recipes from tumblr.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

I am never recommending anyone Colgate Whitening toothpaste ever again...

I have been using it for two weeks and I’m still Indian.

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

The tenth of October is the only day of the year that I would recommend

10/10

My wife recently recommended a new nature documentary on frogs...

...but I didn't find it very ribbiting

When YouTube keeps recommending Iron Man videos after you seen Endgame

“Everywhere I go, I see his face”

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The faithful soldier

One day an army general suspects that his platoon of 100 men are all having sex with his lovely wife. So one night he decides to see if he is right in his suspicions. While his wife is sleeping he gets up and puts in a anti cheat device inside of his wife’s private part. It’s in the shape of a tiny ...

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

Coke vs Pepsi…

Well, I wouldn’t recommend snorting Pepsi so Coke wins.

A friend of mine wanted me to recommend a TV series that 'ends with a bang.'

I told him he might like Cowboy Bebop.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

My doctor recommended exposure therapy to get over my fear of being insulted, so she set me up with a specialist.

It turned out to be a great diss appointment.

TIL I can be fired for taking blood thinners like my doctor recommended

I also learned whiskey is not an acceptable generic substitute.

(accidentally also posted this in r/funny)

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

My doctor said I’ve now reached the age where it’s recommended that I install a bar in my bathtub!

What do you guys think, beer and wine, or full liquor?

A man goes to the hospital

The doctors are pretty used to seeing him by now as he's notorious for swallowing things he shouldn't be. (the last time he was in there he'd swallowed a battery. That shocked the surgeon removing it)

So the doctor see him. "Good evening. What's the trouble today?"
The man replies, "I've s...

As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat.

Goodbye Tumblr!

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Currently long distance with my girlfriend and struggling. My friends have recommended phone sex to keep the spark going.

But since they've got rid of the headphone jack where the fuck am I meant to put it?!

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

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“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

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