I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

An announcement on a plane goes off asking “Is anyone here a doctor?”

12 redditors stand up and say “I’m not a doctor, but...”

Politely asking

I love how in scary movies the person yells out 'Hello?' As if the killer is going to be like " yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

My girlfriend was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps asking why I drink a pink liquid whenever my stomach is upset.

Frankly, it's not her bismuth.

I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means....

Nobody will give me a straight answer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.

Until one guy sees the rabbi hasn’t collected any money and decides to help him out “Rabbi, why don’t you try asking for charity outside of a s...

A French teacher is asking her students questions in class

Teacher: hey Bradley, what does “beaucoup” translate to in English? By the way nice shirt.

Bradley: thanks, that means alot

My son wrote to Santa Claus asking him for his divorced parents to be reunited

What a terrible way to find out Santa isn't real

A wife asking her husband why he is crying?

He said " I saw a dream where a beautiful woman is trying to kill you and take me"

Wife trying to be supportive " calm down, it is just a dream"

He said "I know, that's why I am crying"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?

He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.

—my kid neighbor

My wife keeps asking me how her clothes look. Today she asked me if she should wear a mask.

As usual I said, "Yeah, it makes you look better." Apparently, this time it wasn't the correct answer.

People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off.

It's not like I have any Ctrl.

I feel bad for all the nice women named Karen who have to deal with the bad stereotype of asking for managers. Sharon's too..

Because Sharon is Karen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is asking a farmer about his two cows

Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day?


Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?


Man: The brown one.


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man: And the black one?


Farmer: About a half gallon a day.


Man (looki...

I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.

No ones given me a straight answer.

I get a lot of solicitors at my house, salespeople, charity seekers, Jehovah's Witnesses, I've seen them all. But today I got someone at my door asking if I eat enough vegetables

I wasn't expecting some sort of spinach inquisition!

One day the teacher is asking students the sounds animals make

The teacher asks "what sound does chicken make.
Little Suzy says "cluck cluck cluck".
Teacher replies" good job now what sound does a cow make"
Little Johnny says "The sound a cow makes is 'Dont forget your homework for tomorrow'".

Sam and Bessie have been married for 50 years and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me now?"
...

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

I’m asking what LGBT is

But everyone keeps giving me straight answers and now I don’t have a joke to tell.

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

Algebra stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back

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