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A married couple goes to couples counseling for the first time.

As soon as they sit down, they start to argue. The therapist immediately stops them.

" There are two ways this can go, A), you work with me and you can spend the rest of your lives together"

The husband interrupts, "B!, B!, I'LL TAKE B."

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A couple goes to marriage counseling

A couple goes to marriage counseling for one last effort to save their marriage. The counselor asks what the main problem seems to be.

"We disagree on everything. We basically have nothing in common"

The counselors thinks for a second and says "Well this is easy enough. Let's find som...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Fina...

A husband and a wife go to marriage Counseling. [Long]

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he contin...

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Counseling

There are three married couples, a couple married one year, ten years, and twenty-five years. All three couples are in a bit of a rough patch, and the wives happen to seek counseling from the same counselor.

The counselor suggests each of wives to try spicing up their love life. "Before your ...

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Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate-looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off when a filthy tramp wandered by, stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old basta...

A pimp is driving around, checking up on his girls on the street...

... when he sees a man dropping one of his girls off on a corner.
This isn't out of the ordinary, and he doesn't think too much of it, but the next day he sees the same man driving the same car dropping off two girls at once.
Again, not too strange, but he takes notice.


The next nig...

I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now...

He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?

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Marriage Counseling

Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

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Mickey and Minnie are at Marriage counseling

Dr: you shouldn't divorce Minnie cause she's a bit silly

Mickey: I didn't say she was silly I said she was fucking Goofey

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

IT people would make the worst at couples counseling

"Have you tried turning it on and off again?"

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My dog named sex

Folks generally aren't very creative in choosing names for their dogs.

That's why there are so many named Rover and Spot.

But, have you heard the plight of the bloke who thought he'd be cute and named his dog Sex?

It goes like this:

"One day Sex and I took a walk and he...

What is marriage counseling?

You just pay someone 300$ an hour to watch you and your wife fight

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Why did santa and Mrs. Claus go to marriage counseling?

Santa only cums once a year.

I went to an HIV counseling meeting...

... They are a very positive group.

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A husband and wife go to counseling...

A husband and wife visit their counselor for the first time. When they arrive, the counselor decides it would be best to meet with each them one at a time, alone. He starts with the husband.

"Tell me about yourself." The counselor says.

"Well I think of myself as a man who is close to...

Why did the Mexican food go to counseling?

It wanted to taco bout his feelings

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Finally decided to get some counseling on sexual assault.

Turns out, it’s only for the victims.

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Why was the button in counseling?

Because it was depressed.

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Marriage counseling

A husband and wife go to a marriage counselor. They tell the counselor that they just can't seem to get things working. Constant fights, etc. etc.

The counselor says, "Sometimes a good way to understand where the issues are is to take turns doing a little role-playing with me here in the offi...

A Puerto Rican meteorologist sought counseling.

When asked "why?" he replied, "Tropical Depression."

A wife got this letter from Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samples:

Over the past six months, your husband, Royse Samples has been causing quite a commotion in our Lawton store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and, as a result, will ban your entire family from shopping in any of our stores if even one more incident occurs. We have ...

I translated a German joke and hope it's still funny

A man is treated by a psychiatrist because he thinks that he is a mouse. After some weeks of psychiatric counseling he is finally healed and has learned, that he isn't a mouse.

As the man in walks out of the psychiatrists office he sees a cat on the street and runs back to the psychiatrist an...

Why did the slave ask for career counseling?

He wanted to get into a good field.

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

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Pickle Slicer

A man who worked at a pickle factory came home to his wife one afternoon and admitted to his wife that he had thoughts of sticking his manhood into the pickle slicer at work. His wife, worried about his well being, suggested he seek sexual counseling.
After weeks of counseling, the husband came ...

A teacher has a very strange phone policy.

If a student's phone rings in class, they have to put it in speaker. The teacher believes this to be quite funny.
One day in class, one kid's phone rings. As per policy, she puts it on speaker.
The person on the other end begins. "Hello? This is your doctor. We would like to inform you that yo...

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Mickey and Minnie were going through a rough patch in their relationship.

They felt as though their relationship was on the rocks so they go to marriage counseling.
After some time spent, the counselor asks,
“So you’re upset because Minnie is absurdly silly?”

Mickey: “NO, it’s because she’s fucking Goofy!”

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Help wanted

If you are seeking S&M counseling is it ok to ask for a rough estimate?

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Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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Abstinence

A young engaged couple were having their first pre-marital counseling session with their super-conservative pastor. After outlining the topics he'd like to discuss, the pastor said, "There's just one rule. I am a firm believer in abstinence before marriage. I know that up until now, you've been very...

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A man and wife are looking to spice up their relationship.

They have been married for years, and as many marriages do, things start to get dull. They decide they need to seek out new activities to keep their relationship going. They go to new restaurants, travel more, take dance lessons together, the works. But still, as they try all these new things, event...

Parapsychologists

I just want to take this moment to give a shout out to parapsychologists, the only folks brave enough to jump out of airplanes to provide emergency counseling.

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Marriage Counselor

A couple are at marriage counseling and the wife says, "Even during sex he acts uninterested, not to mention he has a tiny penis". The counselor thinks for a moment, then looks at her and says, "Sounds like he's just not that into you!" He laughs and high fives the husband with the small penis.

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Married in the arctic circle

After 30 years of unfulfilling matrimony a crotchety old Alaskan couple finally decide to seek marriage counseling.

Upon the first meeting with their therapist they both sit down awkwardly on the couch, and pull back their Anorak hoods only to realize that they've been married to the WRONG p...

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