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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

4 People On A Plane

A politician, a teacher, a student and the pilot himself, were all flying in a plane.

Sometime later, the pilot made an announcement that both engines on the plane had failed and the only option was to jump out of the plane.

He further told them that there were only three parachute b...

Local Police Announcement "Serial killer wanted!"

I called immediately, but to my disappointment, it wasn't a job offering.

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact b...

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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So I'm in an airplane right now and the pilot just made an announcement...

About safety and all that and when it was finished I guess he forgot to turn off the PA announcer. So not knowing that everyone on the plane can hear whatever he say on the PA system, he tells the co-pilot, "I can't wait to drink a cup of coffee and fuck one of these flight attendants."

One o...

A New Case

The Mother Superior of a convent calls a special meeting of all the sisters to make a very important announcement. The nuns all gather together, whispering about what it could be. As the Mother Superior walks up front, a hush comes over the gathering.

"I have to tell you that we now have a c...

An announcement on a plane goes off asking “Is anyone here a doctor?”

12 redditors stand up and say “I’m not a doctor, but...”

To all the women who are going to be making pregnancy announcements today...

You aren’t fooling anyone, you’ve been showing for months.

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

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Free airplane ride

A group of engineering students received an invitation for a free flight from a local airline. Once onboard, the captain announced that the plane they were on was built by recent graduates from that very same school.

When the announcement concluded, the students looked around and, one by one...

We usually get half a day off for Good Friday, but there hasn't been an announcement this year, so I tracked down my boss and asked...

"Do we still get off Friday for Jesus day?"


He replied, "No, we only get off a half day for Good Friday."


And all I said was, "You know, if he would have stayed dead, we could have taken the whole day off, but now we have to give half of it back."


And that, my friend...

On the way to a teacher convention the pilot makes an announcement, before taking off I should tell you that the plane has been made by your students

All the teachers throw themselves out the door as quick as possible except one, the pilot puzzled comes closer and asks him:

- do you trust that much your students?

- Of course, the teacher answers with a peaceful voice, I'm pretty sure the plane won't even start.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

With the announcement that the Cleveland Indians will be changing its name...

Going forward they will be Cleveland Washington Football Team.

Today when travelling to work there was an announcement at the train station.

The speakers above announced: "Sorry everyone, we are having a bus replacement service today."

I walked over to the ticket counter and gave the worker a can of beans.

He said "Why have you given me this?"

I replied "Well, sorry, but this is my money replacement service."

Why did Trumps Team end up at a landscaping business for the announcement?

Because he was the Lawn Order president

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

A pilot is flying a plane and shortly after mid-air announcement , forgets to turn off the mic.

He then mentions to his copilot : "I am dating that cute air hostess. After we land , we will go to the hotel and bang. "
The air hostess after hearing this runs towards the front of the plane at full speed to tell the pilot to turn off the mic and hits a blind man's stick and falls down.
The ...

"Ladies and gentlemen," the intercom on a large intercontinental flight announces, "this is your captain speaking. Please look out of the window on the port, or left side of the aircraft, and you will see that the left engine is on fire..."

"Now please look out of the starboard window, or right side of the aircraft, and you will see that the wing is breaking off, and will soon separate from the fuselage..."


"Now, please look down, to the tropical island below. At the beach, you will notice a small orange object. It is a life...

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