This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

Joseph Goebbels once said, False information told once is a lie...

False information told a million times becomes the truth.

That seems to very much reflect the state of the world at the moment.

Or so they keep telling me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"

He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........







I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If anyone wants information about how to become a transsexual...

...I think I know a guy.

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

I don't have to check wikipedia for information since I got married.

Wife knows everything.

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."


"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."


"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"


"The usual? You know...

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

[deleted]

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:

Krautsourcing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate too much it becomes harder to retain information.

There was a punchline for this joke.

Each sperm contains 37.5 MB of information. A broken condom is therefore a data breach.

Better get and NDA from the other party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Important Healthcare Information

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

2. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but...

Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

My friend warned me that Mark Zuckerberg was the last person I should trust with my information

Literally and alphabetically

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

Putin phoned Trump to thank him for information on planned bombings.

Putin: Thank you for the tip.

Trump: But I did not tell you anything.

Putin: Now CIA thinks you did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

An American spy on Russia has just leaked confidential information regarding their government

[deleted]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is a very useful information..

If you’re moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.

I'm really pleased to see a surge of interest in Information Technology.

Some of the most popular videos on YouTube right now are about IT!

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

What is it called when sensitive medical information about a very fat patient is disclosed?

A hippo violation

I'm watching that movie IT, and I'm not even clowning around...

IT has nothing to do with Information Technology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

Why is Donald Trump's pet bee so unwilling to share information?

It's a cagey bee.

Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House

A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"

The realtor says "Brochure"

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He ***reduces*** his ***altitude*** and ***spots*** a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, ***hoveri...

Historians have discovered more information about the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades

According to Ancient Greek mythology, Bophades was a powerful hero, much like Achilles. In fact, the two heroes are very similar. Achilles had a weakness in his heels, and historians have now discovered that Bophades had a weakness in his groin. Many people have heard of Achilles's heel, but have yo...

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The canniba...

Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?

Currant Affairs

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

I can actually punch information into a computer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi...

...for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I woul...

What do you do if you lose all the information on your computer?

Ask the NSA for a backup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Sir, in response to your request for additional information...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW2 - A german, a japanese and an italian soldier get captured by the Soviets

They are to be interrogated for information by Soviet Intelligence.

The Intelligence officer tells them:

I will take you one by one into the next room and torture you until you are telling me what I want to know.

He starts with the German, takes him from the group cell into the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...



One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look...

It was in the late 1500's on the west coast of North America

The chief of the Native American tribe was growing old, and wished for his tribe to live long after his death and was to choose between his two sons. Their names were Eagle Flies and the other Falling Rocks.
The chief had decided that if he had to choose one of the sons he would have a competit...

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.