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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...
"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think y...

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."


"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."


"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"


"The usual? You know...

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

I didn't realize the ancient Egyptians were so concerned with information security.

Everybody who was important got encrypted.

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If anyone wants information about how to become a transsexual...

...I think I know a guy.

I don't have to check wikipedia for information since I got married.

Wife knows everything.

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

Joseph Goebbels once said, False information told once is a lie...

False information told a million times becomes the truth.

That seems to very much reflect the state of the world at the moment.

Or so they keep telling me.

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My sons school was having "career day". When he came home, he was complaining that there wasn't any information available in his fields of interest.

I said "what do you want to after high school?"

He replies "either be a pizza delivery man or a pool skimmer" ..........

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I'm pretty sure the little shit found my porn stash.

A man walks up to the information desk at a mall and says, “I seem to have lost my kids. Can I make an announcement on the PA system?”

Mall guy: Oh sure.

Man, grabbing the mike: I’m vegan.

How many incompetent FBI freedom of information agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

~~three~~ one

I have information that will lead to Hillary Clinton's arrest.

[deleted]

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years.

Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

My friend warned me that Mark Zuckerberg was the last person I should trust with my information

Literally and alphabetically

A methodology of obtaining information or input by enlisting the services of a large number of people of Germanic background:

Krautsourcing

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

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If you masturbate too much it becomes harder to retain information.

There was a punchline for this joke.

Putin phoned Trump to thank him for information on planned bombings.

Putin: Thank you for the tip.

Trump: But I did not tell you anything.

Putin: Now CIA thinks you did.

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Important Healthcare Information

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

2. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but...

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Bread is classified information!

It's on a knead-to-dough basis.

I'm watching that movie IT, and I'm not even clowning around...

IT has nothing to do with Information Technology.

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

An American spy on Russia has just leaked confidential information regarding their government

[deleted]

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

I'm really pleased to see a surge of interest in Information Technology.

Some of the most popular videos on YouTube right now are about IT!

Ants can carry twenty times their own body weight, which is a very useful information..

If you’re moving and you need help carrying a potato chip across town.

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

Why is Donald Trump's pet bee so unwilling to share information?

It's a cagey bee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone... [Long]

A man was pulled over for doing 50 in a 30 zone, and the police officer comes up to him and asks for his license and registration. The guy replies "I don't think that would be the best idea, seeing as it's not there, this is a stolen car. I stole it."

The officer, a little surprised, says "So...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A jew called Bernie ran the biggest ponzi schema ever , he took millions from gullible low information people promising them unrealistic returns .

I was talking about Bernie Madoff not Bernie Sanders you a**holes

Donate 27 $ and we can still win the Presidency !!!

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A black man was driving a brand new mercedes

He saw cop lights in his rear view mirror and pulled over. He calmly pulls over to the shoulder of the road and waits for the police officer to knock on the window.

“Goin’ a little fast back there, yeah? License and registration.”

The black man hands over the information and says “Sir...

Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The canniba...

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What do you call a notebook where you record information about your poops?

Some people may call it a log journal, while others call it a diary-a.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

I can actually punch information into a computer.

Historians have discovered more information about the Ancient Greek hero, Bophades

According to Ancient Greek mythology, Bophades was a powerful hero, much like Achilles. In fact, the two heroes are very similar. Achilles had a weakness in his heels, and historians have now discovered that Bophades had a weakness in his groin. Many people have heard of Achilles's heel, but have yo...

Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?

Currant Affairs

U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices.

Machines’ reflective glass surface not doing the trick.

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. Y...

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

There are two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate data from incomplete information

So a realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an Open House

A guy says "Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?"

The realtor says "Brochure"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her e...

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Lulu was a prostitute, but didn't want her grandmother to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in lin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

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A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex...

A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make.

"I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I ...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

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Happy Thanksgiving kiddo

So two days before Thanksgiving little Jimmy is out playing in the yard. He hears his parents arguing and they call each other “bitch” and bastard”. Little Jimmy, ever the curious little bugger goes inside to ask his parents what those words mean. His parents tell him they mean “lady” and “gentleman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear Sir, in response to your request for additional information...

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by t...

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Joe visits his favorite museum's new exhibit.

Joe was on his way to his favorite museum. The museum had announced a new exhibit and he was extremely excited to be one of the first people to ever see it, since he got some early access tickets. When he got there, there were about 12 other people who had also gotten a ticket for today, so he assum...

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

I'll never forget my son's 856th words.

"Dad, you capture irrelevant information."

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

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A cop pulls over a woman...

...who is wearing very slutty attire.

Cop: You were speeding in a school zone. I’ll have to give you a ticket.

Woman: Oh officer, surely there’s something I can do to help you. *pulls out breasts*

Cop: For you information, ma’am, I am homosexual, and regardless of my sexual orie...

A poor farmer who lived in a small mining town came to its mayor and asked him if his son could marry his daughter.

The mayor angry at this insolent request, asked: "Why would I ever let your miserable kid marry my princess daughter?" which the farmer promptly replied: "Because he is the new general manager of the mines". The mayor, surprised and impressed with this information, ended up accepting his daughter's ...

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,

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The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."...