The 55+ Best Information Jokes

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

Why was Mr. Information sad?

Because everyone was spreading Ms. Information

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[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

I was just on a diabetes information website...

It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over..

What website has the information on all DJs?

The wiki wiki

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

Information

Is your mother home? the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said...

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

How do French police sweat information out of a suspect?

they put the suspect in a J'accuzzi

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

What do Israelis use to find information?

Internet n’ Yahoo.

My mate was giving me some secret information.

He said quietly, "Your wife has been telling people that you have a personality problem."

"What does she mean? I've been with her for sixteen years!"

He said, "Exactly, there must be something wrong with you."

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

A Frenchman is trying to get information out of an American via electric shocks.

The American says "Please, mercy!"

The Frenchman responds with "Ok", and turns up the voltage.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

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What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

Friend: “Hey can I have that informational pamphlet?”

Me: “Yeah bro sure”

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

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If anyone wants information about how to become a transsexual...

...I think I know a guy.

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

Weightlifting forums are the worst when it comes to getting information and advice on protein.

There's always some meathead a-hole that has to whey in.

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If you masturbate too much it becomes harder to retain information.

There was a punchline for this joke.

I don't have to check wikipedia for information since I got married.

Wife knows everything.

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

Putin phoned Trump to thank him for information on planned bombings.

Putin: Thank you for the tip.

Trump: But I did not tell you anything.

Putin: Now CIA thinks you did.

A hacker locked a bank's financial information down and demanded payment to decrypt them.

Police tried to catch him but he ransomeware.

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