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Information Jokes

Why was Mr. Information sad?

Because everyone was spreading Ms. Information

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

I was just on a diabetes information website...

It asked if I would accept cookies. Is that a trick question?

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Information

Is your mother home? the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house. "Yeah, she's home," the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said...

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

I sent that ‘Ancestry’ site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of Seeds, and suggested that I just start Over..

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[long] A reporter is travelling town to town in the hot Mexican desert trying to get information on the most infamous bandit El Diego.

Everywhere he went people were too scared to talk about him or even acknowledge his existence in anyway.

Every bar the reporter would visit he would be kicked out of for mentioning the name. Until one day an old man at the back of a particularly run down place said he would talk.

The...

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"

"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."

"Did I dial the wrong number?

"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."

"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."

"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"

"The usual? You know what my usua...

Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The canniba...

What website has the information on all DJs?

The wiki wiki

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

What is the best website find information about a DJ?

Wikiwikiwikipedia

What do Israelis use to find information?

Internet n’ Yahoo.

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

How do French police sweat information out of a suspect?

they put the suspect in a J'accuzzi

This guy told me to never share my private medical information...then he went and shared my private medical information.

What a HIPAA-crite.

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

I used to work in restaurants before switching to information technology...

... The biggest difference is that the phrase "my server went down on me" is no longer a good thing.

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If semen is just genetic information...

Then my hand must qualify as a CIA interrogator.

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Important Healthcare Information

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-care:

1. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

2. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but...

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

Anyone know what "obtaining information through deception" means?

I'm asking for a friend.

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

A Frenchman is trying to get information out of an American via electric shocks.

The American says "Please, mercy!"

The Frenchman responds with "Ok", and turns up the voltage.

Hey man will you hand me that tri-fold informational packet?

Bro sure

TIL 19th century philosopher William Jacob Walsh once predicted a more sophisticated information public information network may result in less objective and reliable information being distributed, rather than the reverse

Of course, this will really only be funny if this joke makes the front page and people don't immediately realise I posted this on r/jokes and made up William Jacob Walsh

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

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What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

I was forced to make bread in exchange for information

It was knead to know

When does Sean Connery's accent provide more information than regular English?

When he's sitting on a toilet.

(and you just read that in his voice)

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

Welcome to the Alzheimer's information support page...

...please enter your 17 digit password.

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information?

Orthodoxxer.

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If anyone wants information about how to become a transsexual...

...I think I know a guy.

I think Australians are obsessed with true information.

They keep telling me to "get fact".

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Here is a useful information you need to know : Orthodox priests are allowed to get married. That explains why the priest is believed to have a wife. Now read the joke.

A man from a small Bulgarian (Orthodox country) village had an insurmountable desire to sleep with the local priest's wife. In order to ensure that the priest would not come home in the wrong time the man asked a good friend of his to find a way to keep the priest in the church for long enough. The ...

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering

The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name.

“Why,” I asked. ‘I don’t need a warranty.”

“I have to have it for our records,” explained the cashier.

Fed up with practice of companies gathering as mu...

Weightlifting forums are the worst when it comes to getting information and advice on protein.

There's always some meathead a-hole that has to whey in.

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

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If you masturbate too much it becomes harder to retain information.

There was a punchline for this joke.

Experiment made by Russian scientist Vazilikyev Karaazuruvsky reveals shocking information

Nobody reads Russian names

Where can you find information on every DJ in the world?

*wika*-*wika*-pedia

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

The doctor said to me, “Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80's pop music!” I gasped, “Yikes! What’s The Cure?!”

He yowled, “Oh my God! It’s worse than I thought!”

Where does Google and Apple get their weather information?

The Cloud.

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding marijuana, as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

Working from home in this weather makes me want to leak classified information...

Cause I'm snowed in.

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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