If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

If you think nobody cares you are alive

Try missing a couple of payments.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

I got mauled by a Great Dane and ended up in intensive care

Come on Scooby Doo, ICU

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...

...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

If you work on a farm taking care of chickens...

You are a chicken tender.

I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.

It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

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How does a stripper take care of her asshole?

She gives him gas money so he can get to band practice.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

The only people that care about what women wear are women and non-hetero men.

The rest of us would be happier if women wore nothing.

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

I maintain my car with the same level of diligence and care that I would maintain an aircraft.

Which is why they won't let me maintain aircraft.

I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.

Because it's pointless either way.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

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This brothel doesn't care about your line of work...

We jack off all trades.

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while sh...

Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care!

As a Canadian I am outraged!

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After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

Why don't foot amputees really care when they lose a game?

Because they are used to being defeated.

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Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Friends - please be careful this Christmas season

Yesterday I went to Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few shots...

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I've never done before: I took a ...

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Dark humour is like Free health care

Not everyone gets it.

At first I didn't really care for this toenail fungus...

...but it's really starting to grow on me!

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe

I am anti vax and I don’t care what you think...

I am sick and tired of seeing people that are anti vax getting slandered on Facebook .

We have good reason to feel this way and simply attacking us or bad mouthing us is not going to change our minds. We will not be silenced.

I for sure will never have another one again. No chance, I...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

I don’t care where states are located

If Oklahoma was right next to Maine that would be ok by me.

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It should be no surprise President Trump doesn't care about climate change

He's always liked to fuck the younger generation

A man walks into an antique store and starts looking around.

Suddenly, he gazes upon the most beautiful bronze statue of a siamese cat. He asks the store owner how much he wants for the statue. The store owner replies "It's $100 for the statue and $1000 for the story that goes with it."

The man replies "I really don't care about the story, but I do wa...

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

The secret to a good wife...

Find a woman who makes you laugh; find a woman who turns you on; find a woman who can cook; find a woman who wants to build a life with you and take care of you in old age.
Make sure these four women never meet.

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care

‌‌Superman h‌‌ad a‌‌ h‌‌uge c‌‌rush o‌‌n W‌‌onder W‌‌oman but he was t‌‌oo s‌‌cared t‌‌o t‌‌ell h‌‌er, f‌‌earing i‌‌t w‌‌ould r‌‌uin t‌‌heir w‌‌ork r‌‌elationship.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay, h‌‌e w‌‌as u‌‌sing h‌‌is X‌‌-ray v‌‌ision t‌‌o w‌‌atch h‌‌er i‌‌n h‌‌er a‌‌partment. H‌‌e s‌‌aw h‌‌er p‌‌ut o‌‌n m‌‌usic a‌‌nd s‌‌tart t‌‌aking h‌‌er c‌‌lothes o‌‌ff. S‌‌he s‌‌at d‌‌own o‌‌n h‌‌er b‌‌ed. S‌‌he w‌‌as g‌‌etting i‌‌n t‌‌he r‌‌omantic m‌‌ood. S‌‌he w‌‌as s‌‌quirming a‌‌roun...

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

I don't care if it's not "politically correct"...

But I think the president of Europe is a really nice guy

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

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A son is choking

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three coins to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face turning blue! The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the ...

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

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Superman is flying around one day (nsfw)

He sees Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye".


So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky. Sensing the commotion, Won...

Teacher & Student Joke

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you d...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

After some careful consideration during breakfast this morning, I realized that Froot Loops should have been called...

Queerios

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After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I don't care if she has one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

Whenever I embark on a DIY project, I always read the instructions carefully...

And retrospectively.

Why must you be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?

You might step in a poodle.

My grief counsellor died the other day

He was so good at his job, I don't even care

Alcohol's cool and all but have you ever had someone care about you?

Me either pass the bottle

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying and asked: "What's wrong?"



She stopped her sobbing and asked the well, "You can talk?"



"Yes," said t...

A Dad and Son were busy chopping down a tree out the front of their house...

Once chopped down, they began putting the branches into a wood chipper.

“Careful!” the Dad snapped, “I’ve told you before, don’t stand too close otherwise you’ll be completely covered in wood chips and dust.”

“Yes Dad,” sighed the Son. He’d been told off all day.

An Irishman,...

Read carefully, because I am only going to write this once...

this

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

How do hedgehogs reproduce ?

Carefully.

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

I went to Walmart today

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the t...

"Mommy, how was I born?"

Well, a few years ago, your daddy and I decided to plant a seed. Your dad put it in the ground and then I took care of it for a few months.

With, time, the plant started growing more and more leaves until it grew into a big healthy plant.

We then dried it and smoked it, got very high a...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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Older gentleman walks into the brothel...

... He walks towards the brothel mama, as she greets him he says:

"I would like something special"

She looks at him with judging eye:

"Well we have something nobody else has, but it's quite pricey, are you sure you want it?"

He smiles:

"Don't worry, money are not p...

what's the difference between my computer and Paul walker.

I care when my computer crashes.

Jar of Olives

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a ...

people say I act like I don’t care.

It’s not an act.

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Im just looking for a guy i dont care if he's handsome or a dick to me.

Just as long as he handsome dick to me.

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

What do you call a careful wolf?

awarewolf

My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fisherman is out fishing on a lake when he hears far off in the distance a man yelling “help me help me”...

At first he decides to ignore it. But then hears the man yell “ help me, I’m a wizard, if you help me I’ll grant you any wish you want”

So he rows over to help him and pulls him onto his boat.

“Thanks” says the man “now I can grant you three wishes”

*I wish I had a giant mansion...

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

I'm going to open a restaurant called "I don't care"

That way I can finally go to that place my girlfriend is always talking about.

I don't care anymore. I'm gonna say the N word with a hard R !

NASCAR

Finally losing his cool, the teacher asked the student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?”

The student replied, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said "If men gave birth they'd care more about the family"

I said "If men gave birth they'd blow their cocks off".

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tourist is backpacking through the highland of Scotland (Taken from Andrew Stanton’s Ted talk)

A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. The only people in their is the bartender and an old man drinking a beer. He orders a pint and they sit in silence and drink for a while.

Suddenly the old man turns to him and says, “ye see this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A parrot said to his owner one day: Go fuck yourself. The owner didn't really care. The next day the parrot said again : Go fuck yourself. The owner was trying to ignore it but the parrot did not stop. After some time the owner said if you insult me again i will snap your neck.

The next day the parrot said :Hey
The owner said :What
The parrot:You know what.

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

A rich couple was going out for the evening.

The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife did not have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throck...

Three women meet at the pearly gates

After dying, three women end up at the pearly gates and are questioned by St. Peter. He asks if they believe they are worthy of entering heaven; to which all answer that they are but they don’t know if someone is waiting for them on the other side.

St. Peter let’s them choose between the unk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

I’m pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers

They only care about the dead

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

A blind man walks into a restaurant...

The owner greets the blind man and asks him how he can help him choose a meal "shall I read to you our menu? “the owner asks.

" no need" says the blind man, "just bring me a selection of dirty forks and I'll know what to choose."

Curious, the owner goes back to the kitchen, gets a hand...

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

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