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Care Jokes

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

Sharing is caring.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his...

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.

TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to sal...

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

I don’t care if Caitlin Jenner identifies as a woman,

but April identifying as January is crossing the line.

Fellas if you ever meet a woman who takes the time to take care of bees, marry her.

She's a keeper.

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

When interacting with police follow their instructions carefully

Me: [hears knock on door] "Who is it?"

Trooper: "State Police identify yourself."


Me: "Police identify yourself"

Trooper: "State Police"

Me: "Police"

What is going to replace ObamaCare?

Don.T.Care

You can really see how much Trump cares about creating jobs in this country

The White House seems to always be hiring.

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Be careful of strange phone calls.

I just had a random guy phone me asking if I wanted to meet

up with him and compare dick sizes.

Fucking weirdo never showed up.

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

Americans care about Ukrainians like my parents care about unborn children

Enough to donate a couple bucks, but not enough to adopt one.

A woman asked me if I'd care for an orange?

I said "If it needed me"

Just some little maths. Solve carefully: 230 - 220 x 0.5

The answer is 5!

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

Be careful of fat guys, ladies

They just want to get into your pantries.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

I don’t care who your Father is…

When I’m fishing here, you’re not walking over the water!

It’s my cake day and no one cares

I feel caked…pied….I mean desserted

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I don’t care for your opinion on mushrooms.

It’s a shit take.

Health care workers hate this one simple joke...

You: knock knock

Them: Who's there?

You: HIPAA

Them: HIPAA who?

You: ...I can't tell you...



(created by a co-workers husband)

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Genie: maybe you should be more careful with your last wish

No shit!

And that's how I ended up with this giant cork in my ass!

It's important to read dating profiles carefully

I just got back from an evening with the smelliest person ever. My bad, I thought she said she was "aromantic".

I’m trying to get a job taking care of horses.

I’ve heard it’s stable employment.

I will pay a person $5 000 a month to take care of my worries.

- How are you going to get the $5 000 a month to pay them?
- That is for them to worry about.

My grief counselor died and I don’t care.

I guess he was good at his job.

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

There were two old people in a care home...

There were two old people in a care home, a man and a woman. Every evening, they'd sit down next to each other to watch the telly. They weren't married or anything, they just sat down and watched the telly, while the old gal gave the old man a handjob.

They'd been doing this every day for yea...

If any of you on this sub are thinking of getting married soon, consider this carefully before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a really cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you...

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Police were called to a day care

Toddler was resisting a rest.

People care way too much about Leonardo DiCaprio’s dating habits.

The last time he dated a woman his age, she let him sink!

I used to think no one cared what I have to say. Then I joined reddit

Now I know it's true.

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

What is the difference between a careless and a careful driver?

One is reckless and the other is wreck-less.

Be careful what you wish for

One for cake day:

Tom finds an old, tarnished lamp. He gets excited, and polishes it vigorously.

A genie appears and say "Congratulations, you get three wishes! What is your first wish?"

Tom says, "I want to be Rich!".

The genie says, "No problem, done. What is your ne...

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less super...

Why do you have to be careful when trees start dropping feathers instead of leaves?

It could be your down-fall

Did you see the news about Jonathan Ross, dressing up in a blue uniform and trying to provide antenatal care?

They say he’s having a midwife crisis.

What is something that has Care in its title, but does not actually care?

Kare-n, cause she still won’t let me see the kids.

What do you call an ant that has no concerns or cares?

Nonchalant

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…

…knock yourself out.”

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Take good care of your ass

It's your only body part that gives a shit.

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

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A old man meets an old woman in a care home...

They get off to a good start and they started to talk he learned she was called Maria and they talked about their past and their experiences and eventually they get to the subject of Sex. The old man says "I can't get an erection anymore, I need a woman to help me do it" Maria volunteered to help hi...

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

Be careful of woman who say you're a good catch.

They'll try to clean you and remove your spine.

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I asked my asexual friend how he is so care free in life...

He told me he literally doesn't give a fuck

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

I don’t care what anyone says, Amy Schumer is extremely talented.

I mean who else can steal jokes from others, and still remain remarkably unfunny.

Be careful what you ask for

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 12 beautiful women. He slams a bag of gold down and says, " Bartender, drinks for everyone".

The bartender just finished setting up drinks for everyone at the bar when suddenly a 12 inch tall man jumped out from the rich guys jacket and runs down the len...

I want to open a resturant called "I don't care"

So I could finally go to that place my girlfriend is always talking about.

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Be careful of fake eBay sites.

Warning to all men about about a fake eBay site.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to check out the seller carefully.

I just spent $95 + postage, on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, ...

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

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Careful What You Wish For

After years of begging. I finally got the wife to try anal, but the whole night was ruined when I accidentally called her Kevin.

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Use chemicals to remove polish and no one cares..

But use chemicals to remove Polish and you're literally Hitler.

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

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Be Careful what you dream of

A Couple in bed in the morning

She: i had a nice dream this night

He: really what was about?

She: i was dreaming going to Ikea and do shoppping

He: oh nice..

She: what about you, did you had any dream?

He: yes, i was dreaming doing sex with two girls simulta...

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One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

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How do you know Jesus didn't care?

He was born without a single fuck.

What do you call someone who takes care of baby monkeys?

A bananny.

Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …

And 100% of men don’t care.

What do you call a person who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender

My mom came up with this and told me to post it so tell me if you enjoy it!

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

Someone told me that I care too much of what others think

What do you think?

"It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do not care who gets the credit."

\- Me

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My wife says she does not care about tiny penises

I still wish she didn't have one though

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

What flows through Ukraine and doesn't care about your feelings?

Crimea River

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

why don't people care when your books fall on the floor?

Because you only got your shelf to blame

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

Read carefully

Life is a lie when you don't give a 'f'

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Ugh, it's so annoying. I could care less...

...about using the term "I could care less" properly.

5 things that no one cares about

1. Lists

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.

Because it's pointless either way.

A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

Who cares if you pee in the shower?

The bride and all her guests, apparently.

When googling Gary Oldman, be very careful....

....I forgot the 'r' and went down a rabbit hole I wasn't prepared for.

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"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...

"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline.

If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.

If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press ...

Be careful who you buy drugs from. It might be laced. Mine was.

I found marijuana in my cocaine.

After the Queen died, there was much discussion about who would take care of her beloved corgis

Once Andrew found out that they were all under 16, he insisted on taking them.

Which type of metal do you need to be careful of?

Stainless Steel. Because they are SUS.

I Don't care what any of you say..

My Alzheimer's lets me enjoy this site everyday

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Read this carefully.

A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist, are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.



"Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.



"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.



"Let'...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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Apparently women really care about belly buttons

I told this girl I had an outtie and her eyes lit up

American Health Care Joke

One day I wanna be rich enough to afford therapy

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

Why should you be careful around train conductors?

Because they have locomotives.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

Everyone wants me to care about Russia and Ukraine right now. Boo-Hoo!

Crimea River

"Honey, be careful while driving on the highway" I told my wife on call...

"The news says that a there's a person speeding on the wrong side of the highway"


"One person!?" She replied, incredulously,


"These idiots are in hundreds"

Nobody cared for 4/20 two years ago, but it's okay...

This April will be 4/20 too.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

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How does a stripper take care of her asshole?

She gives him gas money so he can get to band practice.

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When I’m watching porn, I don’t care if they have big breasts, big butts or a pretty face.

I'm a jack off all traits.

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

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Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

Be careful of stairs...

They always seem like they’re up to something.

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Be very careful of the latest scam.

If anyone knocks on your door and says they need to stick their finger up your arse to test for coronavirus, it's a scam.

I feel so fucking stupid now..

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

be careful what you wish for!

so this guy is walking down the street one day and he sees this other guy on the other side of the road with an orange for a head and hes like "whoa, oh my god that guy has an orange for a head!" so he goes over to him and he's like "hey man, you've got an orange for a head!" and the other guy nods...

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for university.

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandma surmises the usual. It is fair that they are secretive, as her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic, she's sure she didn't raise him like that, but she wishes to tell him tha...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

Plum trees are so easy to take care of.

I don't do anything and once a year it prunes itself.

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

Who cares about a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I’ll go talk to my parents.

I don’t care where states are located

If Oklahoma was right next to Maine that would be ok by me.

You should always be careful using the bathroom around a pirate....

They become irate whenever someone takes a pee.

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