UPJOKE
substanceatomthingsubjectdark mattermassquarkphysicsrest massplasmamoleculeweighsolidparticleantimatter

Matters Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

I told the man: “It’s not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up that matters.”

He said: “That’s not how DUI tests work, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

A stutterer called an emergency.

Dialog ensues:

Hi emergency here what's your emergency.
Hi-i-i I found a d-d-dead horse at the r-r-r-road. I do-don't want there t-t-to be ac-accidedents.
Can s-s-someone tak-ke it away?
Ok sir what is your location.
At spr-spr-spr-spri-spring...Springside Circle?N-n-No no...

My girlfriend is the only thing that matters to me

(Please don't tell my wife)

Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.