Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW what's long, hard and filled with semen?

A penis. Boats are filled with sea men.

Spelling matters, people.

There are three states of matter

Doesn't matter

Matters a bit

Really matters a lot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The animals hear that the world is going to end

So, the Lion, as their king, calls an official meeting of all animals.

“We have only 10 days until everything as we know it is destroyed. Nothing matters anymore. Let’s just all have sex with each other and go out with a bang.”

The antelope flicks and ear to ask a question: “What about...

People are a lot like Vegetables

Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

True story.

Wife: Go away, I don't like your attitude.

Me: I'm sorry, I guess I'm just a little on edge.

Wife: I can tell by your sighs.

Me: What're you talking about? Is it that obvious?

Wife: Sighs matters.

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

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