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Matters Jokes

Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

How many Black Lives Matters protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't be silly, Black Lives Matters protesters can't change anything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I named my penis "matters"

So when my girlfriend breaks up with me I can take matters into my own hands.

Family Matters

A husband and wife are on a long car trip and get into a big argument that eventually ends in an angry silence.

Some time later they pass a pig farm. The husband looks at the pigs and says, "Family of yours?"

The wife replies, "Yup, in-laws."

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

My girlfriend is the only thing that matters to me

(Please don't tell my wife)

Distance matters

Six feet apart or six feet under....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

Position matters most

Three pregnant women are at a clinic having a chat about their future children.

The redhead says "i was on top so I'm having a girl!"

The brunette replies with "I was on the bottom so I'm going to have a boy"

The blonde hears this and begins to think about things then suddenly...

Me: "It's not about how many times you fall. What matters is how many times you get back up."

Officer: "That isn't how field sobriety tests work."

Black Friday Matters!!

No, all Fridays matter.

Size Matters

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms.

"Yes we do," he says. "Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she replies. "But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?"

Size matters

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!

There are three states of matter

Doesn't matter

Matters a bit

Really matters a lot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Of course size matters!" My girlfriend screamed when I told her how big it was.

Who the fuck wants a small pizza?

I always say it's not the size that matters.

Probably why I lost my job at the shoe shop.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

There are 4 states of Matter

Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Black Lives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

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