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Offered Jokes

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Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

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I was offered Sex Today

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented l...

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

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My wife offered me a blowjob today.

‘Really’ I said

‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’

That’ll teach her to be funny

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle...

It was an ether/oar situation.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it?

Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.

I offered my elderly neighbour 20 bucks to give me a ride on her stair lift.

I think she's gonna take me up on it..

I offered my seat to a child

I lost my job as a bus driver

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

I was offered a job building Egyptian tombs

Turned out to be a pyramid scheme

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if t...

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old...

Today my girlfriend offered to finger me

I was deeply touched.

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

I was offered to invest in restoring an ancient Egyptian architecture

I didn’t reply, it sounded like a pyramid scheme

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Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex!

sure a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

A computer scientist was once offered the opportunity to feed a shark.

He turned it down, because he did not want to RISC losing his ARM.

My friend offered me some sheep stomach tacos...

I said "No, thanks. That sounds offal."

I kept telling them I wasn’t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.

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A man got sent down to Hell and the Devil offered him a tour of three rooms.

"You can take a peek inside each room, but when you choose one," the Devil said, "choose wisely, because you're going to spend the rest of eternity in there."

The man took a peek inside Door #1. Inside there was a nice field of grass, but there was also a crowd of people moaning in agony as t...

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

My wife offered me some shares for myspace.

I now own 30% of the bed.

someone offered me a cheap circumcision so i accepted

it was a ripoff

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My conditioning coach offered to give me oral sex.

I think she used to be a personal drainer.

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The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He aske...

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

I got offered a job cleaning mirrors

It's something I can really see myself doing

I need some advice. I’ve just been offered 8 legs of venison for $50.

Is that two deer?

I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer...

But I had to turn it down.

A Pirate was offered a prosthetic in place of his eye patch...

The doctor asked, "I made this prosthetic eye out of oak wood to replace your eye patch. Would you like to try it?"

The pirate replied, "Would I?!"

When I was buying a male deer for $1000, the salesman offered me a female deer for only $20 more.

I went ahead and bought it because it was a great bang for the buck.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

A billionaire offered me a million dollars to permanently glue my mouth shut forever.

I can't tell you how happy I am.

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

What did Sodium say to Bromine and Oxygen when they offered a threesome?

NaBrO

My chemistry teacher offered me a Pb and J sandwhich.

Hospital bill is pretty high.

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A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears,
he let his hand slide up...

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A Boss Offered His Secretary $1000 For Sex

A boss said to his secretary I Want to have
sex with you and I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time
you bend down to pick it, I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called
her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it<...

She offered her honor.

He honored her offer

and all night long he was on her and off her.

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Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

What did the selfish anteater say when offered a full course French dinner?

Is this all fourmis?

My work offered to fund my retirement account in soup exclusively...

...I'm the first person to have a Broth IRA.

I got in trouble with my wife after she offered me a threesome.

I had asked, 'What are their names'?

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

I saw a homeless woman in the rain the other night and offered to take her home with me...

You should have seen her face when I ran off with her cardboard box!

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During my visit to Bruxelles over the weekend, I was offered a burger made from insects and everyone assured me it tasted 100% like the real thing.

I thought "Fuck, how do those guys in Belgium know how crickets taste?"

A College offered me a full ride scholarship

I said are you gonna give me a ride back

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop

But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

I wasn't offered any training for my new job as a trash collector, but I'm not worried.

I'll just pick it up as I go.

Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.

I spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

At the Helsinki Summit, Russia offered to supply both Translators

Which is nice considering they supplied both President

50Cent says Trump offered him $500,000 to join presidential campaign

Only Trump would pay $500k for $0.50

Such a deal maker.

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My friend offered me a pair of egyptian coffins in return for a blowjob...

But I don't want two sarcophagi.

Two Thai girls offered me a threesome. It was like winning the lottery.

When we stripped off we had six matching balls.

My husband offered to buy me Slytherin panties.

But I’m a Ravenclaw! I protested.

Yeah, he said, but I’ll be Slytherin them off of you.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

I offered my old air mattress to a homeless guy today.

He got real excited, until i also offered him my air guitar

A genie offered me either +10 million dollars or +10 IQ points. I took the +10 IQ points.

Damn I was stupid.

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God offered to prove his power to a scientist.

Scientist asked God to fill his basement with diamonds, and instantly god did. He wasn't convinced yet cuz an alien could have the tech to do that.

He asked god to create a new galaxy in less than 1 second, and god did, but still wasn't convinced.

He asked God to create another planet ...

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A women offered to have sex with me...

I was walking through the supermarket today and a women came up to me and said she was in need of help. She said she would sleep with me if I advertised a shampoo product for her. I refused, as I’m a man with strong morals, just like the creators of Jakes Body Wash. It’s a magnificent body wash and ...

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

Some advice: never take medicine offered by ducks.

They’re quack doctors.

I got offered to eat raw beef, but I said no.

I figured the steaks were too high and I probably shouldn’t brisket.

If you’re ever offered Ketamine

Just say neigh

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A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

After cleaning up from a recent severe storm, my neighbor offered me free wood for my fireplace.

That was very nice of him. Free firewood doesn't grow on trees, you know.

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I was offered a deer in exchange for sex.

I’d say that’s a real bang for your buck.

As of today, I've been 50 days free from cigarettes. A friend offered me a pack.

I burned them.

The other day I got offered a threesome

I had to decline, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents

A store offered 100% discount to thieves.

Guy tries to take it without paying. I'm sorry sir but you can't steal what's free so you don't get the discount.

Johny was offered a nickel or a dime...

Johny was bullied by all the other second grade students. Every day, they would offer him either a dime or a nickel. Every time, he took the nickel. The kids would all laugh at him every time he took the nickel. One day a kid asked him why he always took the nickel, even though the dime was worth mo...

Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon

But they wouldn't let us land because the moon was full.

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Jose offered a prostitute $20 for sex . . .

“No way!” ho say.

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So a prostitute offered me to do anything for 500 bucks..

I asked her to complete the remote helicopter mission in the GTA Vice City

I offered cocaine to my friend recently

He started smoking weed a couple months ago after a lot of persuading, so I thought he might wanna try this out, too.
When I offered it to him, he told me,
“I dunno man, I’ve gotta draw the line somewhere.”

We decided the kitchen table would be good.

If someone offered you $100 cause you're ugly, would you take it?

Hell yes, I'm ugly, not stupid.

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

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