UPJOKE
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The Helpful Friends

Back in their playing days, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin were good friends and would do things together on off days. One thing they enjoyed doing together was going hunting. However on a day they were to go hunting, one of Mickey's friends, a local farmer, asked if Mick could do him a favor. The f...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

I thought I was being helpful, opening the door for a woman.

She just screamed and fell out of the plane.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

So I asked my neighbor if he could help me figure out what DIY means. He said, "Do it Yourself"

Unhelpful, prick.

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

The Helpful Wife

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry.You were going 80.

*Man gives his wife a dirty lok.*

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken t...

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

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