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Helpful Jokes

Binary thinking isn't always helpful.

But sometimes it is!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Helpful Friends

Back in their playing days, Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin were good friends and would do things together on off days. One thing they enjoyed doing together was going hunting. However on a day they were to go hunting, one of Mickey's friends, a local farmer, asked if Mick could do him a favor. The f...

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Helpful Friend

A young man was planning to marry his high-school sweetheart. But he was shy and had never had sex with her or any other girl for that matter, so he was nervous about his wedding night.
He had a friend who had a reputation of being a lady’s man and a known track record of bedding more than his sh...

The Helpful Wife

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry.You were going 80.

*Man gives his wife a dirty lok.*

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken t...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."


That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie ...

Always helpful...

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

What is the most helpful beverage?

lemon-aid

helpful dog

A man and his son come across two dogs humping. The son says, "Dad, what are those dogs doing?"

His father replies, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."

The son says, "It just figures -- you try to help someone out, a...

What's really helpful until pluralized?

Aid.

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Helpful Engineer

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainl...

What do you call a helpful potato?

A facili-tater!

A helpful stranger

A woman and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver says "HOLY HELL, THATS ONE UGLY BABY! The woman gives him a look then sits down. After a few minuets she turns to the man next to her and says "That bus driver just insulted me" The man says "Well go up there and tell him off! Go on, I'll hold your ...

Helpful advice if you're ever attacked by a group of clowns.

Go for the juggler.

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The helpful wife

A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. Cop says "you know why I pulled you over right?" Man says "No Officer I have no idea". His wife sitting next to him goes " Oh Ralph you know why, you said you were going over the speed limit". Man turns and gives the wife a mean stare.

Cop t...

If you get helpful tips from a man called Herb...

Is it sage advice?

I met a lovely, helpful person the other day

They were always asking about me, wanting to get to know me better. They seemed genuinely helpful and were there when i needed them most. They dedicated their time to me and didn't even ask for anything in return. I decided to take the plunge and kiss them!

Anyway, i need a new public defende...

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I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I was just trying to be helpful...

But apparently telling all the patients “It sure takes balls to do what you’re doing” wasn’t appreciated

My diet guide is nowhere near as helpful as my vegan friend's diet guide.

I think I'll take a leaf out of his book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is helpful to have a therapist on the golf course.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman...

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

I got a phone call from some helpful people who wanted me to know a few things...

But what I'd like to know is who put Prince Albert in a can and why is my refrigerator running?

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

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