The 125+ Best Notice Jokes

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

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The boss started to notice that one of his employees, Dave, started gaining lots of female attention..

So, one day he asks Dave about his secret.

Dave replies: "Well, before sex I simply whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer".

Later that day, the boss gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome...

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.

The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told ...

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
<...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

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A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules....

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before". So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is...

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Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things:

First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours."
Tony was up for ...

When I noticed "HI" in the alphabet I thought I had made a new friend

But then I saw the next two letters.

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Pillsbury Doughboy death notice.

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.

Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.

Dozens of celebrit...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

A lawyer is at an airport and starts feeling really bored while waiting for his flight. He notices that he’s sitting next to a blonde woman.

She’s reading a book. He assumes that the woman is an idiot because she’s a blonde.

“Hey, I want to play a game. I’ll ask you a question, and then you ask me a question, and we’ll see who answers the most right.”

“Thanks but no thanks, I’m trying read this book.”

“How about this...

Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated”

and “non-hyphenated”?

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."

Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"

Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

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There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.

So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid aga...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.

After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"

Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".

Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale...

...sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires,...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

I was at a restaurant when I noticed my waitress had a black eye...

So I ordered really slowly, because she obviously doesn't listen well.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

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A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd ...

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

The local minister approaches a lady following the service, and remarks, "I couldn't help but notice that your husband left my sermon mid-way today."

To which the lady responds with a shrug, "Please don't take it to heart, Reverend. He's been sleepwalking for years."

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

A man was walking his kid home from the park when the kid suddenly noticed two dogs humping...

"dad,"the kid asks."what are those two dogs doing over there?"his dad thinks real quick,"well son, isn't it obvious. That one dog obviously broke his leg and the other one is helping him home."the kid fires back,"wouldn't you know it Dad. You go to help a friend out like that and all he does is f***...

One day a man noticed…

a chicken would come into his house, take a book from the bookshelf in its beak and carry it off into the woods behind his house.

The next day, the chicken came back and got another book, disappeared into the woods. This went on for a few days.

Finally the guy followed the chicken into...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."<...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would reall...

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself...

No 'fence.

Nun taken.

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

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Cop: So when did you notice your wife was dead?

Man: Well, the sex was still the same but the dishes started to pile up

A man stood outside of his house after a bitter divorce and he noticed a crate of beer bottles.

He took out an empty bottle and smashed it onto the wall swearing, "you are the reason I don't have a wife.
He smashed the second bottle, "you are the reason I don't have children".
He smashed the third bottle, "you are the reason I don't have a job".
When he took the fourth bottle, h...

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I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday, not really paying attention, and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well, ram me in the ass as hard as you can, why don't you?"

Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard.

“Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

“Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

“John,” the new seaman replied.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads t...

A guy visiting a cemetery notices a woman hunched down behind a grave.

"Morning", he says respectfully.

"I'm not," she replies, "I'm just having a pee."

Noticed the similarity between food delivery drivers and gynecologists.

They can smell it, but shouldn't taste.

As a priest walks down the street, he notices a young girl struggling to reach the door knocker on a tall front door.

"Allow me to assist," he offers, knocking on the door for her.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" he asks kindly.

"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

I first noticed I was going bald

When it took longer and longer to wash my face.

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall:

$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye.

She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, sla...

Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.

But the trees were so tall, they couldn’t tell what kind tree it was.

One day a kindly beaver came by, and the two trees asked the beaver if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.

The beaver started nibbling at the seedling and said, “That’s no son of a beech.” ...

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One time I was at a party and noticed a large group of people patiently waiting their turn to fill their cups with some sort of fruit juice cocktail. Gesturing towards the gathering, I asked one of them "What is this?"

"This is the punch line"

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

In a first year college course on philosophy, the instructor noticed one of their students about to fall asleep, so asked,

"You there, what is work?"

The student opened their eyes, thought for a second and responded, "Everything is work."

"What? Everything is work?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Then I take it you would like the class to believe that this desk is work?"

"Yes, wood work", they repl...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

A soothsayer just told me that I will live a lonely life and after I die in my house nobody will even notice

I was so happy to hear that, he literally predicted that I will have my own house!!

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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Johnny's teacher noticed him walking down the street one Saturday--

She was used to Little Johnny's antics by now, but this time was weird, even for him. He was holding a cat, and what looked like a pack of Tic-tacs. He would walk for a little bit, stop, eat a couple of candies, bite the cat, and start walking again.

When they got close enough, she asked, "Li...

The Jalapeño went to the doctor, complaining of back pain. The doctor noticed it was crooked.

Turns out, he had Scovilleosis

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Man was riding a bus and noticed one hot nun.

He tried to talk to her but she ignored him and left the bus on her stop. When he was leaving the bus the bus driver stopped him and told:
- I saw that you liked that nun and I know how you can fuck her. Come to the cemetery at midnight dressed as Jesus - she will be praying there. And if you'll ...

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

A lawyer was sitting in his office when he noticed a man approaching

To attract this man's attention, the lawyer picks up his phone and pretends to be on the phone with a client

The Lawyer: (On the phone) yes, sir, yeah....I told you I never lost a case in my career. Yeah, sure, why no...

Guy walking down the street notices his watch has stopped working...

So he looks around, and notices a store with a huge watch hanging in the window.

He enters, and tells the clerk he'd like to have his watch repaired.

The clerk, looking confused, tells the customer, "Er, sir, I'm not a jeweler, I'm a mohel."

Customer says, "So why do you have th...

A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.

He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.

A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.

Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells...

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I was at a party recently when I happened to notice my wristwatch was missing.

I looked for the watch for a bit asking people if they'd seen it, but didn't have any luck. It wasn't an expensive watch so I wasn't too worried about it and eventually gave up.

Then, later in the evening, I saw a couple that I didn't recognize from across the room who appeared to be having ...

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Have you ever noticed how cocky violinists are?

They take a bow before they even play anything.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book..

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

There were these three guys. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that their boss would leave work a little early.

So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The first guy goes home and goes to bed so he can get an early start the next day.

The second guy goes home and cooks dinner.

The third guy goes ...

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

I noticed something about Christianity…

It’s literally pray to win

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