This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

I changed the tags of my mother’s herb jars. She hasn’t notice it yet..

But the thyme is cumin

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

does that mean it's pasture bedtime? :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him... (Long)

As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.

After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I ju...

Did you ever notice the word “dumbass” upside down looks like a car??

Dumbass

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

A man visiting a farm notices a pig with only three legs.

He asks the farmer about the pig.

"Ah", says the father, "that pig, he be a mighty pig, that one. When me 'ouse got on fire that pig rushed in and dragged me and th'wife to safety. A miracle pig, he is."

"But that doesn't explain why he has three legs," said the man.

"Aye, a m...

Accordion to one study people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument

But I don’t believe that tuba true.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender notices one of his costumers hasn’t paid for his drink, so he asks to see his money.

The man says, “If I show you a miracle, will you give me the drink for free?” The bartender agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a hamster, and sets it on the bartop. It immediately starts dancing. This hamster is the most incredible dancer the bartender has ever seen, so he say...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

I noticed a barista working alone in a small shop was still wearing a mask.

She said, "this is a coughy filter"

You ever notice how ripped Jesus is on the cross?

That's how I know Crossfit works.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

‌‌A husban‌‌d notice‌‌s hi‌‌s wife’‌‌s hearin‌‌g i‌‌s deterioratin‌‌g an‌‌d decide‌‌s t‌‌o visi‌‌t he‌‌r docto‌‌r fo‌‌r advice.

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.

“There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌. “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

An old buck rabbit and his son go hopping down to the field to graze, and the father notices the does are ready for mating.

So he says to his son, "Son, it's time you learned how this is done," and he hops onto the nearest doe and gets on with business, and when he's done he hops off again and says "*Merci, madame*!" and says to his son, "And you always say 'thank you' like a gentleman. Now I'll start this end of the lin...

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there is a bear sitting next to him.

Finally he turns to the bear and says, “Aren’t you a bear?” The bear nods, so the man says, “So what are you doing at the movies?” The bear says, “Well, I liked the book.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?

It's the mask era.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are changing in a locker room when one notices a cork up the other guy's ass.

So he asks him, "How'd you get that cork up your ass?" And the guy says, "Well I was walking on the beach when I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and a genie popped out and said, "I am a genie, I will grant you one wish." So I said "No shit?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a hotel restaurant this weekend, I noticed an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket.

It hurls by me, and I snatch it from the air and hand it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to ...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde woman receives an eviction notice after falling behind on rent.

She goes to her landlord's office to talk to him. "Look, I've lost my job and have no money to pay the rent," she says. "But, please don't kick me out. I have nowhere else to go. I'll do anything if you let me stay."

"Anything?" asks the landlord.

"Yes, absolutely anything."

The...

An englishman, a frenchman, a spaniard, and a german were all standing watching a street performer do some exciting juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden box and asks them, 'Can you all see me now?'

'Yes'

'Oui'

'Sí'

'Ja'

Why was the man in the subway not taking notice of his surroundings?

He was in a train of thought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say President Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19

When he couldn’t smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.

The first thing i notice in a girl are the eyes

If she can see, i already know that I have no chance.

Ive noticed recently that I can guess what style of facial hair someone has behind their mask.

I think I might be hairvoyant

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

Have you ever noticed that Jesus on the cross always looks great, with amazing abs?

He was the original cross-fit.

A customs officer at the Mexican border noticed a man coming across one day on a bicycle with two small sacks tied to the handlebars...

Naturally, he got suspicious and asked him to open the sacks, but when he did he found nothing but sand.

Each time he'd stop the bicycle and open the sacks, and he'd find only sand. He had the sand analyzed at the lab and looked at the sack under a microscope he could never find anything wron...

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

I've noticed lately that women prefer men at least 6'

away.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.

Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

While walking down "K" St, I noticed the houses were numbered 32, 64, 128, 256, and 512.

It was a stroll down Memory Lane.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

Have you noticed condoms now have a serial number on them?

If you haven't seen the serial number, then you must not be rolling them down far enough!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving his new BMW to a special event when he notices it start to break down.

He pushes it to a shop and is greeted by a mechanic.
Mechanic: What seems to be the problem?
Man: I don’t know! I was driving and it just died. I’m really in a hurry. Can you help me?
Mechanic: Yeah. Give me a few minutes.
A few minutes later the mechanic comes back....
Mechanic: Seem...

My boss noticed I have been working long hours and asked if I was sleeping in the office.

Of course! It's the quietest room in my house.

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robber...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chicken was walking along a river and noticed a cat

The cat slipped and fell into the river and the chicken couldn’t stop laughing.

Moral of the story: A wet pussy makes a cock happy.

How to make people notice you

**Step 1**: Get a dog

**Step 2**: Take the dog for a walk

**Step 3**: Let go of said dog

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

A grizzled veteran notices a new recruit in the warzone and walks up to him.

"Did you come here to die?"


"Naw mate, Ai came here yesterdai!"

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Sean Connery walks into a bar

and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."...

One thing I have noticed over the last few months is that I’m sick only on weekdays.

It must be my weekend immune system.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Has anyone else noticed that “strap on”

Is “No parts” backwards. How ironic

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A morgue worker is finishing up a report on a cadaver and notices something...

"Wow! Hey doc, check out the equipment on this guy!" He said, looking at the dead man's genitals under the sheet

"My goodness! That's impressive!" The doctor said. "Hey, uh, go get me a scalpel and a gallon of formaldehyde."

The morgue worker went to get what the doctor asked for.
<...

My crush finally noticed me

I should have picked a tree with more leaves.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout ...

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

How do you get people to notice and care about you?

Disappear suddenly.

Sam and Bessie have been married for 50 years and Sam always wanted an expensive pair of alligator boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants. What's different?"

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots.

Again, he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different about me now?"
...

My buddy and I were out for a walk and noticed this giant hole in a field...

We walked up to the hole and threw in a small rock; no sound; no signs of it hitting the bottom!

So we found a larger rock and threw it into the hole; no sound; no signs of it ever hitting the bottom.

My buddy notices a bunch of railroad ties along the forest line nearby. We lug the gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Sunday, I walked into the weapons store one day and noticed a banner advertising sarin gas.

I went up to the cashier and asked, "Isn't this stuff illegal?"

The cashier replied, "This isn't your ordinary sarin. This type helps you lose weight," gesturing towards another banner claiming that inhaling a whiff of it every day would help me lose 50 kilos by the end of the week.

Fe...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]: A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard.

A couple is having sex when the husband notices their neighbour watching them from the cupboard. Upon noticing him, the husband immediately asks,

Voy-eur you inside my cupboard?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy noticed his co worker was feeling depressed. So he offered him his best advice...

" when ever I'm feeling down I make time to have sex with my wife. It does wonders."

"That's a great idea. I think I try it. I'll be back in about an hour"

An hour later he's back whistling and smiling . " Wow, you were right. I feel much better. Thanks bro!" He pauses for a minute ...

A Man Walks Into A Bar And Notices A 12 Inch Tall Pianist In The Corner

A man walks into a bar and notices a 12 inch tall pianist in the corner, he walks up to the bartender and asks him about it. "Never mind that," The bartender replied, "This morning I found a magic lamp underneath the local bridge. Watch" the bartender then proceeded to rub the lamp and out came a g...

A man is sitting outside enjoying his morning coffee when he notices his neighbor jumps off his horse, walks behind him, lifts up his tail, and kisses him right where the sun don't shine...

Curious, he walks over to his neighbor and asked him,"Excuse me Bob, did you just do what I thought you did."

"What might that be?"his neighbor answers back.

"Well near as I can tell, it looks like you hopped off old Bessie here, walk behind her, lifted up her tail, and kissed her righ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beach residents near the cruise ship ports are enjoying the visually noticeable cleaner water.

No shit.

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy wakes up and sits on his deck with his coffee and noticed something

It’s a gorilla in his tree.

After much thought he decided to google “gorilla in my tree” and holy shit it popped up.

“ Larry’s gorilla in a tree removal”

He called and Larry said he would be there in 10 minutes. Larry shows up in van walks to the back and comes out with a long...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

A female student was walking towards her locker when she noticed a post-it-note on the locker door.

She looked at it and it was the classic “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke. She didn’t really laugh as she heard it a million times, so she crumpled it up and threw it in the back of her locker.

The next day, another note was posted onto her locker and it read the *same* joke! She wa...

Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?

Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

So yesterday and I went to the house of a friend whom I met on Reddit, and when I arrived there I noticed that all of his fences were gone...

I found him in his backyard trying to build new fences on the ground, so I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I thought that my house could use a new change, so I decided to start by switching my fences." Confused, I asked him what's the difference between these new fences compared to his old...

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Have ya ever noticed....

Have ya ever noticed:

“Committed murder”

“Committed genocide”

“Committed relationship”

No wonder men have so many issues with commitment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says the inte...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it??” The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gon...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said ‟Olympic Condoms”.He bought it, and told his wife about it.



‟ - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?”



‟ - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.”



‟ - And what ...

A woman had male and female dogs. She noticed the female dog had a bit of a temperature. Not wanting the male dog catch the lurgies.......

She thought about keeping them separated. But she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to dis...

I peed in my neighbors’ pool yesterday, and they noticed.

I guess I should have gotten in first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

While working in a glass manufacturer's showroom, I noticed a fella walking around aimlessly.

I approached him and asked, "Can I help you?"

He said, "Nah, I'm just window shopping."

A cop is speeding on the highway when he notices in his rear view mirror that he is being followed by an old lady.

Going over 100 mph, he realizes the civilian's car is going way too fast and needs to slow down. The cop begins to decelerate and the car follows suit. Eventually, the cop pulls over and the car pulls over as well. An old lady comes out of the car and stumbles up to the cop's window, almost tripping...

NOTICE: Procrastinators meeting at 8 P.M. tonight

Edit: 9 P.M.

Edit: 10 P.M.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrive...

I was walking by a farm when I noticed a sign that said "Duck, eggs." I remember thinking, that's an unnecessary comma.

Then it hit me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking down the street when he notices what looks like shit on the ground

He bends over and inspects the pile.

”It sure looks like shit” he thinks to himself.

He moves a bit closer to it a takes quick breath through his nose.

”It sure smells like shit”

He picks up a piece and squeezes it in his hand.

”It sure feels like shit”

He t...

Notice how every girl on buzzfeed has a nose ring?

That’s because nobody will ever put one on their fingers

I’ve noticed a disturbing recent trend of people suggesting that we “eat the rich” and I’d like to remind you all that the rich are people too.

People with lovely soft skin that would make excellent TP substitute, so don’t forget to peel them first!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flash was running and saw Wonder Woman lying naked in the beach (NSFW)

He thought this would be the best chance,he could go in, do his business and leave even before anyone notices. So he goes in, finishes his business and runs away!

Sensiting this commotion, Wonder Woman asks "What the fuck just happened? " and Invisible Man replies "I don't know, but my asshol...

A lion tamer had quit without notice and the circus manager needed someone to replace him for the next night's show.

He out an ad in the local paper and the next morning two applicants showed up outside his office. One was a rather ordinary looking young man and the other was a rather ravishing red headed beauty. Neither one of them looked very much like a lion trainer, but the manager was desperate.

"All r...

I just noticed.......

I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery. Had them tested and one came back positive. Hope it's not terminal.

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

I've noticed a lot of translated jokes lately, and wanted to try one myself

so here's one translated to Klingon:

'ar SuvwI' screw neH lightbulb tlhap 'oH?

chay' yong chaH pa' je wa'DIch Daq Sovlu'chugh vIneH!

Anyone ever notice the optimism in the r/longevity sub?

It never gets old.

A time traveler goes to eat. After his meal, he notices he's still hungry.

He goes back four seconds

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.