The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman asks a therapist for advise with her marriage.

She complains that she has been married for thirty years, and has not had intercourse for the past five.

The therapist hands her a small vial, tells her to add one drop of the liquid to her husbands food every day.
She goes home, makes meatballs, adds a drop. Waits until her husband gets...

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys wife is in a coma. He goes in one day to see her and decides to sneakily grab a handful of boob. The alarms at the nurses desk go off. Doctors come in and tell him that more physical contact could wake her from the coma. They advise he should attempt oral sex to wake her up...

Minutes pass and the alarms go off again but the doctors discover that she’s now dead. They ask the man what happened?

“She choked”

I advise you, don't mess with me, I know karate, kung fu, judo, tae kwon do, jujit su...

and other 28 dangerous words.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man was sitting on his front porch....

He watches a boy walk by with chicken wire.

Old man: “hey boy, what are you doing with that chicken wire”

Boy: “I’m going to catch some chickens!”

Old man “that’s not how that works, but have fun”

An hour later the boy comes back with a stringer of chickens

Next d...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text.

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

Her husband, typically non-romantic replied: “I am on the toilet, please advise.”

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live.

He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo. The woman asks, “Will this cure my illness?”

“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will make six months seem like a very long time.”

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center,

where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Coffee and blow...

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Forgetting to turn off the m...

If anyone advises you how much lettuce to put on your burger, stop them right there.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Or what?

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him that for the past seven months his wife won't have sex with him. The doctor advises that the wife come into his office herself so he can talk to her. When the wife walks in the next day, the therapist asks her to tell everything in detail.

"You see, doct...

A man walks into his Doctor's appointment and complains of a stomach ache.

"Is it bad? How long have you had it?" asks the doctor.

"It hurts a lot, and I've had it about a week now. I've tried my usual remedies, but nothing has worked."

"Alright," the doctor replies, "We'll run some tests then and I'll call you in a few days to come back once the results are ...

An Arctic explorer gets frostbite

And looses the toes off both feet whilst on an expedition.

After he returns home he starts having relationship problems with his wife. He can't understand it as they had been happily married for years before his injuries.

She behaves really unreasonably and won't put up with anything t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.

Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?

Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.

The doctor reaches for his stethosc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife is unsatisfied with her love life [long][nsfw]

So she goes to a doctor to see if they can help. The doctor suggests a few things but they don't make a difference. Still frustrated and on the advice of her friend, she decides to consult a herbalist in Chinatown. The herbalist gives her some herbal pills and advises her to put 1 in her husband's a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A residential building with thin walls.

One morning, an old man named Carlos, living on the 6th floor of a residential building stops a young man who lives on the 1st floor of the same residential building.

Old man Carlos says, “You stupid son of a b*tch, don’t you know how thin the walls are in this building ? When your shagging ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

The Thane Of Cawdor’s (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

“Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bear Alert!

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little...

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men wanted to look like women.

So they asked an old man for advise. The old man said: "Hike to the peak of that mountain. Up there is a tree. Say something to the tree, and that's what you'll look like."

When they reached the peak, the first man said, "Gal Gadot", and he looked like Gal Gadot. The second guy said "Emma Wa...

How to beat a Tibetan monk

A Tibetan monk and his young subordinate arrive in a small town in medieval England to challenge it's men to fight.

The town sheriff tells his best fighter to step up to the challenge, but the smug monk beats him down with a single, well placed blow.

The sheriff sends in two more men,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pancakes

A housewife visits a doctor. She told him that she’s worried about her 5 year old son’s small penis. He said her problem is solved. “You just have to prepare every morning some pancakes for breakfast. It will help grow its size overtime”.

The next day, she did gladly prepared the breakfast a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a doctor about his premajure ejaculation problem

The doctor advises him that the next time he know's he'll be having sex, he should try masturbating a bit beforehand to relieve some of the pressure, allowing him to last longer.

Not long after the appointment, the man was at work when sure enough he started getting some very sexy texts from ...

A man rushes into a bar,

he orders up two shots of bourbon. As soon as the bartender puts them in front of him, the guy slams them down his throat.
"Two more!", the man requests.
The bartender, frowning, pours two more shots. Immediately the man downs both.
"Keep 'em coming - TWO MORE!", he demands.
The barten...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mary has a problem so heads to the doctor

"Doctor, I have an embarrassing problem with my vagina. The lips are huge and stick out and it makes me really self conscious. I don't even like my husband seeing me like this so we never have sex" she tells him.

"Ok" says the doctor "Lets have a look and see whats what."

Mary gets un...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just one minute

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he
might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and
listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a
banana and a cookie w...

The School teacher sent home a note with her student..

The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”

Mother sends a note back the following day,”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem.'

To Be Fair

I finally got my first real job last month working for the Arizona tea company. I thought I was a perfect fit; although I was a lawyer working for a drinks company, they had an extensive legal department to handle any potential controversies with any of their sold items.

My first case involve...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man gets fired from his job...

...And dreading going home to his wife, he instead heads to a nearby bar. The man saddles up to the bar and orders a Jack and Coke. The bartender smiles, pulls an apple from under the bar, shines it against his shirt, and sets it on the bar.

"I said a Jack and Coke," complains the man. "Wh...

Golfers.. After Valentine’s day

After Valentine's day..

Golfers........ !!!

At dawn the telephone rings...

"Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Big Shit

On a BA flight from Delhi to London, the pilot comes over the public address system, and tells passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, the pilot...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob and His Boss

In the morning Bob calls to his boss:

Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."

The Boss replies:
- You know Bob, I really need you today. When I fee...

I want to recommend a book that helped me through my life.

My fathers cheque book is very useful; I advise you get it too!

A woman ask her therapist about her husband's temper

The therapist asks, "What's the problem?"

The woman replies, " I don't know what to do. My husband loses his temper everyday for no reason and it is starting to scare me."

The therapist advises, "I think I know a solution. When your husband starts getting angry, just take a gulp of wat...

Forgetful couple

An elderly couple went to see their physician because the pair of them have been forgetting things as of late. The doctor performs an examination on them and concludes that they are in perfect health. He explains to them that in their old age people naturally start forgetting things, and advises th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. Some of the signs are if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She also goes out with the girls a lot.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of ...

Letter from husband to wife

Dear Sweetheart:

I can’t send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart.

Your husband
Allen….

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses det...

Watch for bears this weekend

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A line of nuns are waiting to get into heaven....

Saint Peter is there, ticking off names, a font full of holy water beside him.
As each nun gets to the front of the line, he asks her,

"While on earth, did you ever have contact with a penis?"

"No" of course is the majority answer.

Eventually, one admits, "Well, once I touch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Baby Shark

(My Greek Grandmother use to tell me this joke as a kid its awfully dry but when you get older you laugh at how stupid it is haha hope you enjoy)

One day the baby Shark went with his father to learn how to catch food,

First the Father taught the baby how to catch a Fish by just out sw...

The captain of a battleship sees a light in the heavy fog...

The captain called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees."
Back came a signal, "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees."
The captain said, "Send, I'm a captain, change course 20 degrees."
"I'm a seaman second clas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in a bar with his dog...

....and the bartender warns him: “I'm sorry pal, you can't bring your dog in.”

The man thinks for a while and says: “Oh, this is just my seeing-eye dog. I'd better not split up with him”.

The bartender says OK and the man enjoys a few beers. Then he goes out and sees another man also...

this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel...

Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when his military advisor entered.

"Sir we've received reports that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. You should probably prepare a statement, the media will be here shortly."

Bush was visibly taken aback.

"This... thi...

First date

A young boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.


The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."


The boy picks up his date and they go to a sod...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite jokes.

1.
A hippie walks into a bus and sees a very sexy nun. He walks up to her and says, "Hey there, wanna have sex?" The nun is grossed out and walks out of the bus. As the hippie is about to leave the bus driver calls him over an tells him, "Dude i saw you hitting on the nun. Well just to let you kn...

The "Lumos/Nox" trick on Android phones is pretty neat. However...

I'd advise the Galaxy Note 7 crowd to avoid "Avada Kedavra."

How to finish a race on time?

Advise credits: mein kampf

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a dodo and a camel are walking along a beach...

When all of a sudden they come across a genie lamp half buried in the sand. Feeling pretty amped about the whole situation; they rub the lamp and out comes the genie.

In a regal tone, the genie introduced himself: "Good morrow sirs! I am Jean the Genie, and as the rubbers of the lamp you are...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.

"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"

"Gar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Reaction to Snakes

• Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.

• Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.

• Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for
more snakes.

• Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere
kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."

• Army Aviation: Has GPS...

A man is on a long haul flight, late at night.

The air hostess notices he is the only one awake and approaches him.

She offers a glass of whiskey, and advises that each drink come with a small bowl of cashews, to which he accepts.

He takes a sip of his drink, then all of a sudden hears a voice say to him;
"You smell beautiful to...

There was once this Apache Indian

There was once this Apache Indian who had 3 squaws - but none of them were able to bear him a child. A medicine man advised him that animal skins were potent - following his advise, the Apache slept with his 3 squaws on different animal skins - a hippo skin, a jaguar skin & a leopard skin.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cop pulls a man over for speeding...

"What seems to be the problem officer?"

"You were speeding, license and registration please."

"I'm sorry, I cant do that."

"And why is that?"

"My drivers license was taken from me while driving drunk."

"Well, give me your cars registration then."

"I cant do ...

billy joe redneck has 10 kids...

so he decides its time for a vasectomy. he goes to the doctor who explains the procedure and the cost. billy joe asks if theres a cheaper way to handle this... the doc says "aren't you billy joe the redneck? heres what you need to do, drink a six pack, but in the last can light a cherry bomb, drop i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Best Diagnostician

One day a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, I am going to see a doctor.”
His friend said, “Why don’t you try the new computer system in the hospital. It’s proven to be able to diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. It’s incredible! You simply insert a sample of...

I have a problem with taking things literally.

My attorney advises me that it's called 'theft'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Tim were talking one day in the company lunch room.

Jack confessed that he had recently been having trouble with women. He asked Tim, who always seemed to have a date, what was his secret to finding women willing to go to bed. Tim said the secret was poetry. Jack said that poetry was for faggots. Tim disagreed and stressed how poetry had made him ver...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sexual Appetite

The banker saw his old friend Harry, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town one day. Harry had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying again.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Harry if the rumor was true. Harry assured him that it was.

The banker then...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Neck Collar

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

T...

Someone stole my car ...

I guy walks up to a cop outside a bar and says, "Hey someone stole my car."

The cop asks "where'd you see it last?"

The man responds,"well, it was right here at the end of my key."

The cop laughs and tells him to walk down to the local precinct a couple blocks away. But, before ...

A penguin was driving down the road on a hot summer day. . . (slightly NSFW)

A penguin was driving down the road on a hot summer day when all of a sudden his car breaks down. He manages to take it to a mechanic, who advises him to check out the nearby town and come back in about a half hour. The penguin walks around, and comes across an ice cream shop. On his way back to the...

A Battleship...

A Battleship is sailing along when its commander receives a signal: "You're heading for a collision with us; adjust your course by 20 degrees."

The captain of the battleship doesn't want to, so he sends back "Adjust your course twenty degrees. I am a high-ranking officer and I suggest you do ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bait

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the Captain sent the old woman back to the shore with the promise...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old jokes about Russians ..from Soviet times... from Lithuania.

Few Days after Jurij Gagarin went to space and was the first human who ever made it into space, in a small village a man is visiting his neighbour.

"Jonai ! Did you read that ? The Russians now went into Space!"

his neighbour got big eyes, happiness came over his face and he asked bac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A marine, army ranger and navy seal are all on a plane.

The pilot radios in that the plane is experiencing uncharted turbulence. He advises the men to gather their survival gear and prepare for a crash landing. All three servicemen look at each other and decide jumping from the plane would be a better option than going down with it. They all parachute ou...

So, a travelling salesman walks up to a woman's house...

The woman is in a bad mood, but answers the door anyway. Seeing that the salesman has nothing of interest to her, she shuts the door. However, the door does not shut all the way and bounces back open. She thinks that the salesman was sticking his foot in the doorway to prevent her from closing the d...

The flea and the biker's beard

A flea walks into a bar, shivering and sneezing. The curious bartender asks the flea whats the matter.
Flea: "I hitched a ride here in biker's beard. That motorcycle ride must be the coldest trip I ever had."
The bartender decides to give the flea some advice.
Bartender: "Next time seek out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friday evening a notorious murderer

has just escaped from Texas State Prison.
Police advise members of the public that they should not approach him at any costs, but report any sightings to their nearest police station.

Saturday afternoon, the convict surrender himself to police.

When asked why he gave himself up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

Lancelot!

Lancelot, the chief knight of King Arthur, wanted to spend some time with Queen Guinevere. He couldn't, however, get her away from Arthur, so he calls Merlin the wizard to help him.

"I want to be with the Queen, help me"

So Merlin pours some itchy powder in her underwear. Soon, the Que...

The chivalrous surgeon

A surgeon and an elderly patient are riding in an elevator when the doors open. The surgeon notices a young woman running towards them, waving her arms frantically in an obvious plea to hold the door. The surgeon, chivalrously, holds out his hand to stop the door. The woman darts into the lift just ...

It’s the first day for a fraternity...

It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollar...

So a Blonde Brunette and a Redhead are all assistants to a powerful lady C.E.O.....

The C.E.O tells the ladies she is leaving for the day and for them to watch things/do her work while she is out. When the C.E.O. leaves, the Redhead says, "Man this is the 3rd time this week she's done this to us!"
The Brunette starts to gather her things and replies: "that's it, I'm outa here." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Cowboy is on the run from the Native Americans...

He is pursued by the whole tribe, and only has one bullet left in his gun. He rides forth and thinks to himself, "That's it, I am fucked."

Suddenly the Angel comes down from Heavens and tells him, "You ain't 'fucked' just yet; go hide in that bush." The Cowboy promptly hides in the bush, his ...

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple visit the doctors one day complaining that they are both forgetting things. The doctor advises them to write down the things they need to remember.

Several days after the doctors appointment, the elderly couple are sat down watching television when the man asks, 'Margaret, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor

And tells him he that every time he and his wife become intimate, it refuses service. And that he just can't get it up.

The doctor advises him to use his imagination more, watch adult material and/or use adult toys to spice things up a bit.

After a couple of days the man calls his doct...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...