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Tips Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

*Tips fedora at mosquito*

M'laria

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

Chef Tips

A chef walks into a bar, orders dinner and watches an episode of Hell's Kitchen on the bar TV. "You know, I used to be one of those chefs that yelled and shouted all the time," the bartender comments. "And then I discovered oven mitts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

Any tips on removing ice from my windshield?

I tried an old discount card, only got 20% off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and t...

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

DIY Money Saving Tip

Turn an ordinary, old sofa into a sofa bed, by just forgetting your anniversary.

Follow me for more DIY money saving tips.

I've found the way I use Q-tips is

Ear-responsible.

Follow me for more history tips!

In reading about the sailors of yore, I've found them to be a hearty lot. Times were tough, of course, and some of them turned to pirating. Still, a few of them never lost their community spirit; they would sing and dance together whenever the opportunity allowed them to. They even formed a small gr...

*Tips fedora to cute non-binary girl*

m’theydy

*tips car*

M'tor.

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

I just realised without tips pencils would be

Pointless...

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

I have some great stock tips..

Always keep the simmer low and slow. Save up the odds and ends from veggies. If you're using chicken, skim the fat/floaty bits off to get a clear liquid etc.


If you keep doing this, you end up a bouillonaire.

Tips for Buying a Car

A retired older couple returned to a Cadillac dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they had been keen on buying to a beautiful, leggy blonde in a tight skirt, stiletto heels, and halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply: "Young man, I thought ...

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name o...

I just got circumcised

Got any tips?

Urinal etiquette tips

It’s okay to say “Hi” to the man next to you at the urinal. It’s even okay to say “Hi, how’s it going?” It’s not okay to say “Hi. Nice watch!”

I always start crying uncontrollably whenever I am about to get intimate with a girl . . .

. . . Any good tips with dealing with pepper spray?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serious time, does anyone have any tips for dealing with a sex addiction?

I've literally tried fucking everything.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Boomers give great tips.

They don’t accept change.

My friend asked for tips to pick up women

I told him to lift with his legs to avoid injuring his back.

*assault rifle tips fedora*

M’16.

if school was a game, there would be loading screen tips reminding you to

stay behind cover and only move when the enemy is reloading

I asked my doctor if he takes tips.

He said I had mistaken him for a mohel.

Best tips for Halloween:

Be yourself

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Why does the ugly waitress work for tips?

Because nobody wants to stick the whole thing in

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q tips can cause brain damage.

Be careful not to put disinformation too far into your ear canal.

Where do evergreens search for Christmas decorating tips?

Pine-terist

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