A neckbeard looks into the mirror and tips his fedora.

M'self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was giving sex tips to my Asian boyfriend...

First, I told him I like long foreplay,

Then, I told him to be a little rougher,

Finally, I told him to eat my pussy.

I’m really looking forward to seeing what he can do tonight!

On an unrelated note, have you seen my cat?

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Boomers give great tips.

They don’t accept change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

I have a friend who works in a zoo

My friend works in a zoo, I thought that would be my dream job. I asked him, "hey man, you enjoy your job?".

He said, "no man, I'm not happy at all"

So I asked him, "what do you do at the zoo?"

He told me, "I work as an elephant circumciser. The job is messy, ugly and smelly, bu...

I overheard a coven of witches sharing tips to keep cats off their altars.

I guess it’s a *familiar* problem.

Best tips for Halloween:

Be yourself

I caught my Dad in a strip club the other day.

I was going to tell mum, but he was making good tips and we could do with the money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

A panda walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a salad and drink. The food arrives, he eats it, pays for his meal and tips the barkeep. Then he pulls a pistol, fires a round into the air, and just walks out of the bar as though this were the most normal thing in the world.

A customer looks at the bar keep and says...

My friend used to circumcise elephants as a job

He quit, but the tips were huge

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

A man goes to get circumcised

After his surgery, he asks the doctor "So how much do I owe you?"

The doctor says "Oh that doesn't cost you anything. I do this sort of stuff for free."

The man asks "Then how do you make a living?"

The doctor replies "I just collect the tips."

I am at my local police station

and I just heard that someone stole their toilet now they have nothing to go on. To make matters worse someone made a glory hole in the wall of a stall they are waiting by it for anonymous tips. On top of that in their women's room they found a peephole, they are still looking into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guy spat in my 'tips' jar...

So I says "Hey asshole, you coulda just not tipped, that was a bit much!"
Then he said "Oh, sorry, I read it backwards."

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gentleman going down:

*[tips hat]* m’labia

Tips while f***ing :

• Keep f***ing periods short

• Stay hydrated

• Stop f***ing if u feel unwell

• Eat enough protein

• Consider **supplements**

• Keep **exercise** mild

• F***ing isn't for everyone


*So remember to follow these tips while Fasting*

A blonde woman goes to buy a lottery ticket.

She has been buying tickets twice a day from the same store for the past 5 years. One day the cashier was a bit concerned and handed over to her a "Gambling Help" brochure.

 


The lady kindly handed it back, "Boy, I know I haven't won much and that it's all based on luck. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shooting tips

A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter.

"Could you ...

I was talking to a rabbi and i asked him if he charged for circumcisions and you know what he told me?

No i only keep the tips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy just got a job down at the zoo circumsizing elephants...

He told me the job sucks but the tips are huge

Why are circumcisions cheap in Israel?

Because rabbis work for tips.

Part Jewish here 🇮🇱

Helpful Grammar tips

Farther is for physical distance.

Further is for metaphorical distance.

And Father is for emotional distance.

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