Warning(18+)

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My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

A word of warning if you are thinking of getting a rescue cat.

My nan had a rescue cat. The other day she slipped and fell over.

The so called "rescue" cat just sat there and did nothing !

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WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't click on a website called Best Porn Ever.

Aparently it has a viras that dissabls yur spelchek.

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Warning to all men about eBay.

Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, be sure to

check out the seller carefully.

I just spent £95 + postage,

on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."

Warning! Had two covid vaccinations and still ended up in the ICU

Gor hit by a bus on the way out

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,

“Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.”

“So how d...

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There is a major flood warning in the UK

A lot of water is coming from Scottland pissing themselves in laughter

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But t...

Dad joke warning ⚠

Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Another Goldie! Y'all are too much! Thanks /u/PlatinumOmnivore! Take care!
...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

Tornado warning in Texas...

Everyone evacuate to the Cowboys stadium!

No chance of a touchdown there

Genie of the lamp (repost warning).

Two neighbours, one rich, one poor meet at their fence.

The poor one is holding a cup of tea and a lamp : "Every morning, I rub this lamp and a genie comes out and asks : "What do you want?" . I usually ask for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour gawks, "I'll give you my car and my hous...

I just read an interesting new warning on my shower cleaner:

"Keep this and all cleaning products away from children. If swallowed, get emergency psychiatric help and regurgitate the children before they are digested."

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Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happe...

Vaccine Warning!

This happened yesterday and is important information for the boomer age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should...

A preacher is warning sinners in the high street

"The end is nigh!" He shouts at passers-by. And a guy shouts back at him "Nigh!!"
This puts him off a bit, but he carries on. "Be warned al you sinners, for the end is nigh!". And again the guy behind him shouts "Nigh!!" even louder.
This carries on all day until the preacher snaps at the guy...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

Warning: Scat

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop bop bodda bope
Bop ba bodda bope
Be bop ba bodda bope
Bop ba bodda
Ba-da-ba-da-ba-be bop ba bodda bope

The scariest warning that you can read in braille

"Poisonous surface, do not touch"

Six stormtroopers decided to play Russian Roulette.

They got away with a warning but had to pay for the damage.

Cursed Warning

High-Lactose Cheeses are just minigun ammo for Lactose Intolerant people

Warning! Nun pun...

They’re “creatures of habit.”

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Knock, Knock. Warning.

Warning.

If you receive a knock knock email. Do not open it.

It will be Jehovah Witnesses working from home.

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

A man was pulled over on the side of the road for speeding.

The officer said, "Sir do you know why I pulled you over"

"No idea sir" the man replied.

"Well I've got you clocked here doing 78 mph, I'll need to see your license and registration"

Handing over his papers the man replies "Officer I had no idea I saw a sign that said 78 I thoug...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

A street near Buckingham palace is being renamed to “Prince Andrew’s Close”

It’s not honorary, it’s a warning.

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the co...

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

Dark humor warning: What do cannibals call children?

The snack that smiles back

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

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(NSFW) I’m still mad at my friend for taking my chicken without asking…

He jacked my cock with no warning at all.

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

Cure for coughing

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best ...

Road Signs Across The Country Are Warning Drivers Of Road Conditions

I C Y

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a po...

Warning.... Dad Joke: What was Lloyd cited for?

Lloydering.

Warning: Over 18 only!

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Dr: "I have some good news and some bad news Spiderman. The good news is that the constant tingling sensation isn't your Spidey sense warning you of some huge, impending calamity!"

"What's the bad news Doc?"

"Well son, what do you know about genital herpes?"

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This one is a long one I'm warning you,

I made this one myself

You have 500 bricks. If the co pilot throws one off a plane, how many will you have left? 499

How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? you open the refrigerator door, put the elephant inside, and close the door!

How do you put a giraffe into a re...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

To the person who stole my glasses, I'm warning you

I have contacts.

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

This is a joke my four year old son would have told me if I had a four year old son and if he could understand and interpret the English language.

A weary traveler is riding the subway home. It's late and he releases a long drawn out yawn. An old man sitting across from him starts warning him to stop yelling.

The weary traveler lets out another long drawn out yawn due to extreme exhaustion. The old man stands up - points at him an...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

Warning: Australian joke!

What's left after your local Woolworths burned down?
Coals

Warning about new batch of "ice"

Police are warning drug users about a diluted, mild version of ice doing the rounds. They are calling it "crystal meh".

Warning.

Don't let them take your forehead temperature at the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese.

And came home with two cases of beer.

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Warning: some trivial animal harm

In honor of my giant bald spot I saw today: Once there was a priest who had a highly trained parrot. The bird would sit on a perch at the entrance to the sanctuary during weddings. When guests arrived, he would squawk ,"bride's side or groom's side?", then would fly down to the correct pew and pe...

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WARNING... Dad joke ahead.

This actually just happened.

Wife and Son are playing an intense game of battle ship.

Son: I-8

Me: I haven’t ate... I’m hungry

Wife: (not finding the humor)... miss... E-10

Me: Grammar Nazi.

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Warning: Game of Thrones Spoilers

Will make your car look fucking stupid

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(Warning: No Punchline) A drunk is hauled in off the street and taken before the magistrate, who asks him to explain his drunken behavior.

”Well,” says the drunk, ”I had ten bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or I’d be in trouble."

”So I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass...

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Impending Fart

What did the police officer say to their impending fart, in a crowded police station ?

"I'm gonna let you off, with a warning !"

I gave my daughter one last warning about using her whistle around me.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

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Warning: to some, this joke is sexist / religiously offensive (but I don't agree)

Three men die and go to heaven.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rath...

Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon

And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.

An old Soviet anecdote [WARNING: GORE]

A chief talks to his tribe:

— Are we the greatest tribe?

Entire tribe shouts:

— YES!!!

— Then we need our own nuclear bomb and a rocket to carry it!

— YES!!!

— Let's build them then.

The tribe chopped down the thickest and tallest tree in the forest, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just warning not safe

If Hitler was accepted into art school he probably still would’ve become a vigilante killing people he didn’t like. Then he would become Batmein

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

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