This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

What do you call Joe Biden's mom

Joe mama

What do you call an indecisive potato?

A hesitater.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

After calling 5 different home security companies...

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

What do you call a group of Karens?

A Home Owners Association

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves?

Low Key.......!

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What do you call a virgin from Alabama?

An orphan.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves?

Russell

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner during a funeral?

Mourning Wood.

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

(written by my 13-year-old son) What do you call a pig with herpes?

A warthog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow that's masturbating?

Beef Stroganoff.

If a person who speaks three languages is trilingual, and a person who speaks two languages is bilingual, what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

It doesn't matter. Just make sure it's not the language they speak beforehand

What do you call a dog who can perform magic?

A labracadabrador

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The fr...

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison

What do you call a man with multiple noses?

No one nose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

What do you call a chicken that’s afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a horny shape?

An erectangle.

What do you call a group of sad pitbulls?

A pittie party

Who Did Fonzie call when his motorcycle broke down?

Triple Ayyy!

What would you call a child born to bi-parents?

A byproduct.

What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand?

Quatro Cinco

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

What do you call an expired avocado?

A guacamoldy

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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What is it called when you kick a girl in the crotch

A clitical hit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the opposite of a prostitute?

An egg. It gets laid then bought.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of Genius

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

What do you call a werewolf, who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?

Unawarewolf.

What do you call a cow on a pogo stick?

A milkshake

What do we call a miner's climax?

An oregasm

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours anymore?

A reptile dysfunction

What do you call an overweight clairvoyant?

A four-chin teller

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife called me out for being transsexual...

So I packed her stuff and left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a big breasted Egyptian woman?

Nefertitty

I was having a heart attack, so I asked Siri to call me an ambulance.

From that day on Siri refers to me as "an ambulance"

What do you call a military dictator killed by a stick of dynamite?

Napoleon Blown-aparte.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

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Two people having sex is called a twosome

Three people having sex is a threesome

Four is, a foursome.

That must be why my mum always called me handsome.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?

a stick.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A Mississippi

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an evil asshole?

Heinous

What do you call a shrimp that gets run over by a car?

Road Krill

What do you call an average radio?

Stereo typical

My thirteen-year-old came up with this and I promised to post it to Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs...

At your front door? Matt.

Under a pile of leaves? Russell.

In your mailbox? Bill.

Hanging on a wall? Art.

In the middle of the ocean? Fucked. (Also Bob).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A roamin' numeral.

What do you call an evil genius in Boston?

Wicked smaht

What do you call a guy that's mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant

What do you call a brothel for construction workers?

Nuts N' Bolts

What do you call a mushroom that drives?

A mushvroom!

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

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What do you call a porn stash from the past?

A time-fapsule.

What do you call a cow that can't feel pain?

A c

What do you call a dead fish that worked for the military?

Marine corpse

What do you call an ostrich that practices dark magic?

An ostwitch!

What do you call a Dinosaur that wakes up early in the morning.

An AssCrackaDon.

What do you call an emo kid in Hawaii

A tropical depression

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Why would you call him, he can't come over.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Last place you put him.


Where do you bring a dog with no legs?

Drag race.

What do you call an Anorexic with a yeast infection?

Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese.

What do you call a drawing of a clown?

A comedy sketch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they call elevator in China?

Well,on a button like everywhere else in the world

What do you call Bob the Builder after he retires?

Bob.

I called Robinhood customer support to ask what I should do with my GME shares.

They said: “PLEASE HOLD.”

What do you call a phoenix with a broken wing?

Joaquin Phoenix.

What do you call a duck inside a glacier?

A quack in the ice.

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One

From my 13 yr old son. What do you call a pizza in the shape of a cookie?

A pizza

Donald Duck calls concierge

and says “can you thend up thome condomths to my room" and concierge said "want me to put it on your bill?" and Donald said "are you thucking thtupid I'll thuffocate"

This is a really dumb joke but here it is. What do you call a person with no body and no nose

Nobody knows


Yeah this a really dumb joke plus I'm not that funny IK

What do you call it when you’re shopping for new eyebrows?

Browsing.

What do you call an alligator who wears a vest?

An investigator.

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

Bernadette

What do you call a 3.14 long sea raider?

A pi-rate.

What do you call a pachyderm that doesn’t matter?

Irr-elephant.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

What do you call a pirate who designs houses?

An arrrgchetect

What do you call French people who like manga and anime?

Ouibs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call shitty teachers?

Fecalty.

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you build a dozen roads,will they call you a road builder? No. If you raise six wonderful sons, will they call you a child reader? No.

But if you fuck ONE sheep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Why do we call them side quests...

when we can call them...



peripheral missions

What do you call it when Batman leaves church forever?

Christian Bale

Who do you call when there's a crime happening in Indiana?

The Indanapolis

What do you call someone who rips up books?

A tear-orist.

Why do they call seagulls seagulls?

Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

Why can’t Mahomes call his momma after the Super Bowl?

No reception

What do you call a Trans potato?

A French fry

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so
let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed
me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very n...

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

What do you call an insane crocodile in Mexico?

Locodrilo

Why is it called a kilt?

Because that's what they did to the last guy that made fun of them.

What do you call an overweight alien?

An Extra large Terrestrial

My name is Brett but my Spanish speaking friends call me

Pan.

Why is it called "a" symptomatic if you don't have symptoms?

Because if you did have symptoms you would "b" symptomatic!

What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

Gladiator.

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation

What do you call a rich Mexican?

Jeff Pesos

What do you call a donkey with three legs?

Wonky

What do you call a hooved ruminant wearing glasses?

A bad-eyed deer.

What do you call an Irish skin doctor?

Dermot O'Logist

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

What do you call the shack where all the halfling nuns wearing too small shoes live?

The hobbled habited hobbit habitat.

What do they call pastors in Germany

German shepherds

What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

I've just had that dreaded call telling me I have to self isolate!

Apparently my roommates cat has Covid 19!

Don't ask Meow

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call something that you're not supposed to ask during sex?

A stupid fucking question.

What do you call a holy man working at McDonald's?

A Friar.

What do you call a disabled person on fire?

Hot Wheels

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called to masturbate on the plane

Hijaking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Latina with a flat butt?

Bottomless Margarita

I just got a call from my australian grandpa!

A boomer rang.

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you say "fuck it" and ditch all your responsibilities because it's too fucking cold, and go somewhere warm?

Going for a Cruz.

My girlfriend just called and asked if I could pick her up

Sometimes I really wish she had legs.

There’s a new band called 1023 Megabytes

They haven’t got any gigs yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you get a mysterious STD on your dick?

A real head scratcher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Irish men in a pub called says, "Are you all related?" Mick said, "Yeah we're triplets". Barman says, "Triplets, how Come you & Pat are six foot tall & Tat is only four foot tall?"

"Well", said Mick, "Me & Pat
were breast fed, so there was no tit for tat".

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