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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

***A faux pa.***

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

What do they call 'Karens' in Europe?

Americans.

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the r...

I bought a book called "how to scam people on-line"

This was three months ago and it still hasn't arrived ?

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

What do you call an Australian in space?

An Austronaut

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What do you call a license to cum?

A spermit

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ below 70?

A politician.

“Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?” “Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".

OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her"

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What do you call a morgue that doubles as a porn set?

A creamatorium.

What do french people call Marijuana?

Oui'd

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare.

Ladies call me The Weather Man

I promise 8 inches, but only give you 2.

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Q: What do you call 500 neo-Nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What do you call 500 triathletes at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A bad start.

I was once in a band called "1023MB”,

I thought we had potential, but we just couldn't get a gig.

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What do you call the fat around an asshole?

A politician

What do you call the fear of giants?

FeeFiPhobia

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue

What will the 10th movie in the Fast and Furious franchise be called?

Fast10

Your seat belts

What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

Gifted.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?

A maybee.

What do u call a fish with a bow tie?

So*fish*ticated

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

What do you call a dog with no legs?

You don't call it, you pick it up

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What do you call someone who is really good at giving blowjobs?

The head master.

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

What do Germans call spoiled children?

Bratwurst.

What do you call a Jewish beer?

A hebrew .

What do you call an obese psychic?

A >!four-chin teller!<

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What do you call a Welshman who transports sheep?

A sex trafficker.

What do you call an Hispanic, an Asian, and an African American who walk into a bar?

By their names you racist pricks!!

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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What do you call a blowjob from kermit?

A handjob

What do you call a magician whose lost all his magic?

Ian......

What do you call a fat alcoholic?

A heavy drinker

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

Whats it called when a king and queen have no children?

A receding heir line

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What do you call a group of prostitutes?

A Cum Unity

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What do you call boob sweat?

Humiditties

What do you call a beaten up batman?

A Bruised Wayne....

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What do you call it when you have a baguette in your asshole?

Pain in the ass

What do you call a body of water that won’t follow its own rules?

The Hypocri Sea

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

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I don't like to call it "masterbation"

I refer to it as a "do it yourself project"

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

What do you call an elephant in a dress?

Elegant

What do you call a factory that makes just "ok" products?

A Satisfactory

What do you call a spicy Jewish bread?

Challapeno.

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What do you call a hotel for people with small dicks

The bear-lee inn

Who the hell called them 'Topless Bars.' ?

And not 'Breastaurants.'

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

What do you call a professional troll?

A master-baiter.

I'll see myself out

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

What do you call two vampires?

Dos-feratu

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

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What do you call a walking nun?

Virgin mobile

What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time

Jesus on the cross

It's the day of Jesus' crucifixion, and Peter is consoling Mary at the bottom of the hill in Golgotha. Suddenly, Peter hears Jesus calling to him, summoning him up the hill.

Frantically, Peter sets off to make his way to his Savior. Unwillingly, he is stopped by two guards. Again, Jesus call...

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Phloppe

My wife calls me 'the drill'

Turns out I'm just boring.

What do you call a nun 10,000 feet in the air?

Nun of the above

An unknown number calls a man at work.

He immediately hangs up without saying anything.



His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"



The man answers, "I didn't know the number".



His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".



The man complie...

What do you call a russian suicide bommer?

A kommiekaze!

Following his collapse on set of Better Call Saul, doctors recommend a double-bypass surgery for Bob Odenkirk

Oh, good news. The deal went through. It’s a triple-bypass now.

What do you call jokes about eyes?

Vitreous humor

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won’t think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.


Because elephants never forget

What do you call a snuggly rabbit?

Hugs Bunny

What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody nose...

What do you call birds who stick together?

Velcrows

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?

Tumble weed

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

There really should be a subgenre of hip-hop called Bubble Rap

It would probably sound a lot like pop.

What do you call a gamer who works at a abortion clinic?

Spawn camper

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What do you call a gonad that thinks it's better than the other one?

Egotesticle

I called Animal control Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

What do you call a group of well-dressed theoretical physicists?

A bunch of Feynman

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

They call me "blister" at work.

I show up after the work is done.

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What do you call a sad whale?

Mopy dick

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

What do you call a Starbucks fraternity?

Kappa cappuccino

What do you call two Orthodox Jewish brothers who solve mysteries?

The Haredi Boys

What did ancient Greeks call a pair of glasses?

Spectacles.

NSFW. What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear

NSFW

A back ho

(Fogive me, 1st post but my dad told me this one today.)

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A lady finally found her soulmate and calls her dad to tell him about it

(Translated from romanian, hopefully you will get it lol)

The dad is smiling and eager to find out more about this man he asks even more questions about her new lover.

She tells him that he is smart, beautiful, finished his studies at a highly prestigious university and now he is worki...

What do you call the bad part of town in Italian?

A spaghetto

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual what do you call some who speaks only one language?

American

What do you call the grim reaper with hearing problems?

Deaf..

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no eye deer.

(I'll see myself out)

What do you call someone who overpays for caulk?

A caulk sucker

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

What do you call a laptop that sings?

ADell

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

What do you call someone who jumped off a pyramid?

In denial

What do you call someone who jumped off the Eiffel Tower?

Inseine

What do you call a veterinarian that can cure only one species?

A doctor.

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What do you call a rooster watching his hen get fucked by another rooster?

A cluckold.

What do you call a hooker on a submarine?

A substitute

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What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed?

A cherry float.

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What do you call the testicles of a peacock?

His peanuts.

What is it called when a group of drug addicts overthrow the government?

A high coup

What do you call a female squirrel?

A girrel.

What is Karen called in Europe?

An American

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil

What do you call a tree in Russia?

Dimitree

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What did the pornstar say when he called in sick? (NSFW)

Sorry, boss, I can't come today.

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender!

Came up with this while putting chicken tenders out at my old job. lol

Why couldn’t the null morpheme call its mother?

Because it didn’t have a phone!

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What do you call a group of Soviet musicians undergoing sexual reassignment?

Trans Siberian Orchestra

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

What do you call a religious fish poem?

A Psalmon.

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What do you call a person who say they don’t masturbate?

A liar

What do you call a hentai-themed band?

My tentacle romance.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

*Roberto*

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What do you call 2 potatoes that hate each other?

Starch enemies

What do you call a female author?

Paige Turner

What do you call a man doing standard deviation?

A sigma male.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying on your doorstep?

An ambulance.

As I checked into a hotel, I asked the receptionist for a wake-up call.

She said, “you are smoking and drinking yourself to an early death.”

What do you call a buffalo playing poker?

A bluffalo

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)

What do you call a divorced cookie?

Misfortune cookie.

What do you call a Dothraki rapper?

Wiz Khaleesi

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

What do you call a donkey with three legs

A wonkey

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If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a sexist.

I'd not have to ask for dowry.

What do you call a dog that's blasting out music at the bottom of the ocean?

A subwoofer.

(You can credit/discredit my son for coming up with this)

What do you call a gator in a vest?

A

In*vest*i*gator*!

A Girl called me ugly before she found out how much money I make.

Now she calls me ugly and poor.

What do you call a disabled archer?

Legless

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What do you call boobs that always try their best?

Responsibilititties

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

Family photo.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What do you call it when a ghost farts?

It passed ghast

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What do you call a masturbating bull?

Beef stroganoff

What do you call an octopus which is missing 4 and 6/7 legs?

An octo-pi

What do you call a woven picture of a naked girl?

A fapestry

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The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

What do you call a group of racist bakers?

The cake cake cake

What do you call Halloween decoration that's put up too early?

Premature e-jack-o-lantern.

What do you call a group of witches learning how to cook?

An easy-bake coven.

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