What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.

What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?


Rick O Shea

An old man used to call his wife "mother of six" since they had 6 children and this nickname kinda annoyed her

"Mother of six, could you bring my coffe?" He would yell to her from the living room.

"Mother of six, is dinner ready?" He would say every night just to mess with her, as he laughed.

She was becoming really angry at him because of this unwanted nickname, until Thanksgiving, where the ...

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

What do you call currency in space?

Starbucks.

What do you call a belt with a clock on it?

A waist of time

What do you call a goat that likes cleaning?

A roomba-a-aa-aa.


(you have to make a goat sound when saying it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an aquatic Nazi?

Adolphin

What do you call a religious pile of hay?

A Christian bale.

What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call receiving oral while eating a steak?

Fellatio Mignon.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

What do you call a snake that builds houses?

A boa constructer



Don’t bully me I know it’s bad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

What do you call guys who use the pull-out method?

Fathers.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and asks if he would come over and get her started on a jigsaw puzzle...

"What's it supposed to look like when it's done,"he asks

She replies,"according to the picture on the box,it's a rooster.

So the bf decides to go over and help.

He gets there and she takes him over to the table where all the pieces are spread out.

He looks at the pieces,t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call eating ass on a plane?

Skyrim.

What do you call a broke Nicolas Cage?

Nickel-less Cage...

What do you call intelligent people in the US?

Foreigners.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cheap circumsicion?

A rip-off

What do you call a person who always posts memes?

Depressed

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file

What do you call a blind deer?

I have no idea

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

An udder failure.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return when you throw it?

A stick...

What do you call an Emo A capella group?

Self Harmony

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

What do you call it when a pirate has chronic sleeping problems?

Restless Peg Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex workers in the far north?

Frostitutes

What do you call a fake koi fish?

A dekoi

What do you call a botched circumcision?

a *Ripoff*

What do you call a waffle on the beach in Southern California?

A sandy Eggo!

What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

What do you call gangsters from Minnesota?

Oh, jeez.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Serbian pornstar?

Slobberdown Mycocokyoubitch

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk.

What do you call a woman who recently had an abortion?

Pregnain't

What do you call school for nuts?

Macademia

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

What do you call 5 white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

What do you call a crippled pothead?

A baked potato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a teenage boy who doesn't masterbate?

A liar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a blind male porn star?

I'd have thought the answer would be obvious.




Stiffy Wonder.

What do you call four hundred french rabbits turning around and running away from a fight?

A receding hare line.

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

What do you call an archaic human that wanders about aimlessly?

A Meanderthal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Italian prostitute?

Spaghetti-ho.

What do you call a Swedish cell phone made by a car company?

iKia

What do you call pasta from the hood?

Spaghetto

What do you call the bad part of an Italian town?

The spaghetto

What do you call a suicidal Communist?

A Commiekaze

What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.


That joke was stupid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Russian with three testicles? NSFW

Whodyanicka Bollockoff

What do you call an unemployed Rasta?

Jah bless.

What do you call a hoe from Idaho?

A tater thot.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming home.

What do you call Cardi B on a treadmill?

Cardi O.

What do you call that thing you blow on and make a wish?

A breathalyzer.

(For my Aussies out there) What do you call a burnt down Woolworths?

Coles/Coals!

What did the hunter call his wife?

Deer


Found this on popsicle stick so don’t judge to harshly

What do you call a telescope that can't stop running into stuff?

A kaleidoscope.

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef, and why do people prefer ground beef?





...Because flying cows are hard to catch.

What do you call a crayon that looks like a strawberry?

A cranberry.

What do you call a can that won’t open?

Cannot

What do you call a clock made out of records?

Its the vinyl countdown

What do you call a dog that breathes underwater?

A subwoofer

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

what did the cop call the other cop he liked?

his brother in law.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut, you racist bastard

What do you call a fish without eyes?

Blind.

What Do You Call Two Octopi That Looked The Exact Same

Itenticle

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

What do you call a month with a disability?

*Augustic*

(I just made that up! How bad is it?...)

UPDATE - So it turns out ... it's really bad, apparently, like, bad-bad. BUT what if I phrased it:

**What do you call a disabled month?**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a mineralogist call his cum sock?

Loadstone

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a watermelon patch?

>!Melanie!<

What do you call a genetic engineering company in Italy?

Genitalia.

What do you call someone that hates scientologists?

Xenuphobic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who is half dog and half lizard?

A cold blooded son of a bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call shaggy when he's old?

Saggy.

When I drink alcohol people call me an alcoholic but when I drink Fanta...

Nobody calls me or texts me guys I'm lonley

What do you call when a cat's doing crazy stunts?

Purrkour

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer.

The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masterbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus

What do you call an oak tree that can't make it's mind up?

Undeciduous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a principal that used to be a prostitute?

The Head Master

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call shitty A.I.?

Arti-fecal Intelligence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you fuck your dad's sister?

Up the ante

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a flying nun?

Virgin Airlines

What do you call a girl with one leg

Eileen

What do you call a girl with no legs - Noleen

What do you call a trans demon?

An Evil Trap.

What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?

An ariel assault.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

What do you call a satanic bone?

A blasfemur!

What do you call a bar or mini fridge

A Fridget.

What do you call a male ant?

An uncle.

My four year old neighbor buddy just told me this joke he made up: what do you call a bunny rabbit with no ears?

A backpack.


P.s. I love nonsensical kid jokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a modern grammar nazi?

Alt-write

What do you call James Bond in a jacuzzi?

Bubble-0 Seven

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha ching

What do you call a hen that can count?

A Mathmachicken

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't call me virgin

I prefer the term 'Sex Debutant'

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What do you call a sniffer dogs team that is unable to find drugs?

Can'tnine squad

What do you call a big dog who's always alert?

Awarewolf

What do you call the meat on your lower leg?

Bologna

What do you call a millennial in a corn field.

Lost. They're definitely lost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

>What do you call a person who worships god? [Maybe offensive]

\>>A jew

\>what do you call a person who worships a jew?

\>>Christian

What Do You Call A Line Of Men Waiting For A Haircut? With thanks to my 9 year old

A Barbecue.

What do you call a rude and isolated bacteria?

Uncultured.

What do you call a well educated farmer?

A farmacist

Some call it foreskin.

I call it my manhood.

What do you call British Rock and Roll?

Stone and Scone

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide and go seek winner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two people who masturbate together by internet ?

An online meating.

What do you call a hippo that passes gas?

A Rippofartimus

Cop: we got a call that you had pot in your car

Me: *pulls out flower pot*. Oh you mean this?

Cop: *laughing*. My mistake, what are ya growing

Me: pot

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

What do you call it when you reprimand upper case letters?

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

What do you call a boomerang made of teeth?

I don't remember the punchline and it's probably gonna come back to bite me.

What do you call...

What do you call a headless sheep?

A bloody sheep.

Courtesy of my 6 year old. Should I be concerned?

What do you call a person who has outstanding street smarts?

A roads scholar

What do you call a half Jew?

Jew-ish.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.