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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

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If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who's lost at sea?

Bob.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

CHURCH

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

What do you call the doctor who graduates at the bottom of the class?

Doctor

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

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What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

What’s it called when an orphan takes a selfie?

A family photo

What do you call a snowman hooker?

A FROST-titute.

What do you call a sneaky cow?

Invisibull.

What do you call Batman when he is hurt?

Bruised Wayne

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When a man and a woman have simultaneous oral sex, we call it 69. What do we call it if it is two men in a similar position?

Eleven.

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The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef

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What do you call a Mexican women with three boobs?

Tres Leches

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What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

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My friend called me the other day.

When I answered he told me that he met a hot girl that wanted a threesome with two guys and wanted me to help him out.

"I don't know," I replied, "I've got a lot going on right now."

After him begging me and telling me how hot the girl was for about 20 minutes, I finally agreed to it. ...

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

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What do you call a little shit?

A dumpling.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

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Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

What do you call a duck with a drug problem?

A quack head

What do you call people who take care of chickens?

Chicken tenders

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What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

What do you call lice that lives in a bald man’s head?

Homeless

What do you call a deaf dog?

Anything you like, it can't hear you.

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help ...

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

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What do you call a warehouse full of prostitutes?

Orifice Depot

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What do you call a vibrator on a Christmas tree?

A pornament.

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What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full.

What do you call a lotion that sucks at its job?

A DissapOINTMENT. Plz laugh

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

What do you call South American ladies that are into scat?

Latrinas

called a suicide hotline in Iraq

they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

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What do you call a prince fucking a princess ?

Princest



Yeah i'll leave

What do you call a caveman who is walking really slow?

A Meanderthal.

We call our dog "Cigarette" since she has no arms or legs...

...and we take her out for a drag every morning.

What does a pyromaniac pirate call his son?

Arrrrr-son

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What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What does Thor call his underpants

Thunderwear

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What do you call an animal that's part Frog, part Duck, part Elephant and part Rhino?

Fuckephino

[NSFW] What would you call Dwayne Johnsons boyfriend?

Rock bottom.

How come we call walkie-talkies "walkie talkies", but we don't call vacuums "pushie suckies"?

Because that title is reserved for wheelchair bound hookers.

What do you call a very angry shot of vodka?

Mean spirited

The young alien didn't understand why we call them "dad jokes" ...

Until one day it became apparent

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn’t a dad?

A faux pa.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

Nostradamus calls his son and asks him:

Why are you going to get a D in your math test, tomorrow?

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What do you call a donkey with wings?

A pegasass.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

What do you call a fascist aquatic mammal?

Adolphin.

What do you call a belt made of watches?

... A waist of time.

What do you call a singing desktop computer?

A Dell.

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I was having sex when I got a phone call from my friend saying there was an emergency

I told him I was coming as fast as I could

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?

The Wok.

Guys who call themselves "alpha males" stand true to their name.

They have the lowest rate of penetration.

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

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What do you call the noises a prostitute makes during sex?

Hormones.

What do you call musical chairs with toilets?

Game of Thrones

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

What do you call a disease with many followers

Influenza

What does a turtle call his aunt?

Tort-tia

[OC] What do you call an Orc on a bike?

A Mordorcyclist

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

What do you call a Greek basketball player?

A hooplite

who decided to call it ‘gluten free’…

and not ‘against the grain’?

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

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What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself.

What do you call a cow...

...with 2 legs?
Lean Beef.
...with no legs?
Ground beef.
...with no legs burried halfway in the dirt?
Steak.

What do you call a women with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen

What do you call a fish with 10 eyes?

Fiiiiiiiiiish.

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.

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What do you call the sexualization of toes?

A feetish

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

What do you call a long piece of writing about America?

A U essay

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

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My favorite sex position is called WOW.

It’s where I flip your MOM over.

What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim

What do you call a bush full of money

A hedge fund

What do you call an experienced fisherman?

Master baitor

what do you call a group of crows and a dead one

a murder mystery

If you are a really excellent fisherman and you do it all the time they call you a master fisherman…

But, what if you are only really good at baiting the hook?

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

Me: I'll call you when I get home so you know I'm safe

Bus driver: I really don't care

What do you call a fun sewer?

An amoozement park.

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

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What do you call a homosexual pharmacist?

A pharmacist you homophobe.

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

What do you call a dumb person with a pretty great ass?

Asinine

What do you call someone with no body and no nose ?

Nobody knows

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

What do you call a pessimistic gazelle?

A cantaloupe.

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What do you call a guy who loves shopping?

A buy sexual

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion

They would call it crucifact.

I called the Tinitutus Helpline.

It didn't stop ringing.

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What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do u call a constipated detective

No shit, Sherlock

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

What do you call someone that hates massages?

Massage-ynistic

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

What Do You Call A Firework That Doesnt Work?

a fire-dont-work

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

What do you call a fight between Trans people?

TRANSACTION

What do you call someone who dyes their hair orange?

Transginger

What do you call a jaguar who cheats on his wife?

A cheetah..

What do you call a red head with a yeast infection

A ginger bread house

What do you call it when a chickpea kills someone?

Hummus-cide

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!

What do you call a woman without an ass?

Divorced

What do you call a fruit on a spaceship

Coco-naut

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A Baboom!

(made by my cousin)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

a tearjerker

What do you call a clown after you've boiled it for 10 hours?

A laughing stock!

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowtain!

What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.

What do you call the play about the pretzel who wanted to be king of Scotland?

Snackbeth

What do you call a high resolution video taken during Jesus' resurrection?

ADHD

Posting this for a friend who thinks this a funny joke.. what do think? (NSFW)

Nobody: What do you call a girl who doesn’t give head?

Me: Idk

Nobody: an Uber

What Do You Call a Con-Man in Film Noir?

Sham Spade!

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

What do you call a Spanish woman that always says yes?

Si-ñorita

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) What does a shark call his dick?

Megladong

What do they call Jehova Whitness in China?

Ding Dong

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The head nurse.

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

What do you call a Communist snipet?

A Marxman

What do we call a person who watches over kids while hiding in the shadows and sneaks in the kids room when the parents are asleep?

Santa Claus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a male prostitute?

A sell sword.

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