Call Jokes - 146 Hilarious Call Jokes

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

A single Karen is called a Karen. A group of Karens is called ...

a homeowners association.

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

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What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

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[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

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What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

What do you call a filet mignon made from clouds?

A mist steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?

*Click*

what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy?

a venice fly trip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

If Elon bought Reddit, what would he call it?

eXit

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless

Whomever called them Kegels….

And not puss-ups really missed out

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

What do you call two french women kissing?

Les biens

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

What do you call a girl that doesn't give head?

An UBER

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75?

Your Honor!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Senator!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

What do you call an unidentified Cajun?

John Deaux

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 election.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.

What do you call a weatherman who loves steak and watches?

A meaty horologist

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied : Yes. I know 😊

There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole

I replied:- I prefer the other one...

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...

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