What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

Silicon Valley

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied : Yes. I know 😊

There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole

I replied:- I prefer the other one...

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father cooks a deer for dinner and doesn't Tell the children what it is, he gives them a hint and says "it's what your mother calls me"

The son quickly yells out "its a fucking dick don't eat it!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a rabbit with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

quatro sinko

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a philosopher who's banging a prostitute?

Someone who's deep in thot.

What do you call a smoking piece with nothing in it?

DMT Pipe

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

What do you call a communist sniper

A Marxman

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

A waist of time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a homosexual russian?

Sir gay

What do you call an online lawyer

E-legal

What do you call a Reddit joke without a punchline?

Clickbait

What do you call a fight between an illegal immigrant and a pastor?

Alien vs. Predator

What do you call it when a russians wifi fails?

Internyet

What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?

A Juan on Juan

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

When somebody calls you a nobody just remember

Nobody is perfect

What do you call a dinosaur without gold?

A dinosr

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?

A πthon.

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?

An LGBT queue

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first joke on this sub, hope you like it. I call it: Soldier's needs.

Soldiers serving time on a mission in the outskirts of a town close to some villages and right on the brink of a desert.

One day a new **commanding officer (CO later)** arrives tellin the soldiers he is gonna take over command of their squad. When he walks through their camp he notices they ...

When I become a superhero, I'm going to call myself "Ironic".

So when there's trouble & I'm running away, people will be like "Isn't that ironic?!"

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant?

Pilot Error.

What do you call an elephant who doesn't matter?

An irrelephant

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

What do you call a man with 2 donkeys?

Biased

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

What do you call an Asian wearing a fedora?

Malaysian

I call my pregnant wife Brexit.

Despite my best attempts there wasn't any pulling out.

What do you call a dinosaur with a broken leg?

An owmilegisaur

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA.

What do you call a hooker with no legs?

A night crawler

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

How does a drummer call his twin daughters?

Ana one, Ana two...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef

Q. What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

A. Lean beef.

Q. What do you call a cow with 2 legs?

A. Your mom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

What do you call an Asian on an elevator?

Wong on so many levels

What do you call a deaf Gynaecologist?

*A lip reader.*

What do you call a bird with no teeth?

A bird. Birds don't have teeth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ladies; When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body...

When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face.

When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart.

All three guys still wanna fuck you, though.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?

A Weed Whacker.

What do you call it when a hillbilly dies and comes back as something else?

Reintarnation

What do you call a book club that's has been stuck on one book for years?

The church!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my Wife sometimes call each other by Animal Names.

For example: Yesterday she called me a fucking Cheetah.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

F sh

What do you call a werewolf on YouTube?

A Lycansubscribe.

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?

Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

If men call short women petite, what do women call short men?

Friends

What do you call the place where concrete is buried?

A cementary.

What do you call a mexican drug kingpin who likes to dress as a woman?

El Trapo

What do you call a man with no arms or legs...

...anything you want. What's he gonna do about it

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener!

What do you call a woman with 1 black eye?

A goddamn ambulance. This is no time for jokes, there's been an assault.

What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4 chin teller.
My dad just told me this one and I thought I'd share it

What do you call a redneck virgin.

A seven year-old that can run faster than her brothers.

What do you call it when a group of crows make plans to get together?

Premeditated murder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They call my dick Maradona

Because I finish with my hand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call transsexuals with mutant superpowers?

Ex-Men.

What do you call a man who lives in Turkey who was not born there.

Turkish

What do you call a DNA test in Alabama?

Incestry DNA

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

What do you call it when you get an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of an ocean?

A good start.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you poop in the dark

A spooky dookie

What do you call a large mammal that no one thinks about?

An Irrelephant.

What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?

Lambo.

What do you call a nose with no body?

Nobody knows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do we call the ejaculate of a pyromaniac?

Spontaneous Cumbustion.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want, he's not coming.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile.

What do you call an army of babies?

Infantry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do call bleaching your asshole?

Changing your ringtone!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

What do you call an unvaccinated toddler's tantrum?

A mid-life crisis

What do you call a very rich Chinese person?

Ka Ching.

What would you call a cheap circumcision

A rip off

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

What do you call a factory that sells good products?

A satisfactory.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got a call from a total stranger. He was asking to meet me in the woods so that he could take a look at my penis.....

Weirdo never showed up.

My dad use to call me a disappointment.

Now I just wish he’d call.

What do you call security at Samsung?

Guardians of the Galaxy

What do you call a paraplegic riding on some waterskis?

Skip

What do you call a Turtle that does yoga?

A Contortoise...

What do you call a donut with no holes?

A dnut.

What do you call a spider in the Middle East?

An Iraqnid

What do you call the ghost of a homeless man?

A hoboo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a mushroom that likes to gossip?

A shit-talkie

What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?

A fish stick!

My 4 year olds first joke.

What do you call a group of electrons working as spies between atoms

Bond, Covalent bond

What do you call a temper tantrum of the child of an anti-vaxxer?

A midlife crisis.

What do you call a princess that does meth?

Disney on ice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a man who cries when he masturbates?

A tear jerker

What do you call a Caucasian furry?

An animal cracker...

What does the German engineer call his very small bicycle?

His microfarad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?

Holy fuck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

What do you call a snail in a shotgun shell?

A slug

What do you call a bee hive with no exit?

Unbelievable!

What do they call their kids in Belgium?

Brussels Sprouts

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back to you?

A stick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call xxxtentacion before he was famous?

Alive

What do you call a couple of EMT’s?

A pair of medics.

What do you call a color that's all in your head?

A pigment of your imagination

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in your pool?

Bob.

In a pile of leaves?

Russell.

In a hole?

Doug.

On a wall?

Art.

At your front door?

Matt.

Two armless legless men in front of your window?

Kurt and Rod.

What do you call a Chinese VPN?

Ip Man

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens its mouth and the man shows off his unharmed balls.

He looks around the bar and says, "I'll give anyone here a 100 dollars to try this."

The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hung Chow calls work...

And says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go...

What do you call a burning Jacket?

A blazer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

What do you call a heartless thief?

A redditor

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man calls his boss and says "I can't come in today, I'm sick"

"How sick are you?" His boss asks.

"I've just fucked my sister, sick enough for you."

What do you call two hippos riding a bicycle?

Optimistic!

​

My friend had this on a joke calendar this morning. If anyone can, please explain this to us. Are we that dumb that we don't get it, or is it so obvious that we might be over thinking it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a vagina that says the n word?

A racist cunt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

what do you call a ghosts boobies?

Paranormal entitties.

What do you call a child with Iodine deficiency?

Chld.

What do you call a country populated by people with weak bladders?

A uri-nation.

What do you call an empty can of cheesewis

Cheesewas

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