UPJOKE
call intelephonevisithollohollercryscreamshoutdemandcall upsummonsend foryellphonetelephony

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.
upvote downvote report

If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.
upvote downvote report

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...
upvote downvote report

A single Karen is called a Karen. A group of Karens is called ...

a homeowners association.
upvote downvote report

What do you call an IQ of 160 in the marines?

A Platoon.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called threesome and sex with four people is called foursome.

I guess now I know why people call me handsome

[NSFW] What do you call a gamer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft
upvote downvote report

What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American
upvote downvote report

One sinking sub is called The Titan, what do you call a fleet of sinking subs?

Reddit.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain capacity?

Horny.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Jewish rapper?

Doctor Dreidel
upvote downvote report

Chuck Norris called 911

And asked if they needed help.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call prostitutes

Land-Hoe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What do French people call a really bad Thursday?

A trajeudi
upvote downvote report

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"
upvote downvote report

What do you call a fake Sudanese person?

… a *pseudonese*
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Muslim bodybuilder?

A muscleman
upvote downvote report

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.
upvote downvote report

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...
upvote downvote report

What do you call a belt made out of lobsters?

A waist of good seafood

I know it’s bad but I heard it in a dream and had to share
upvote downvote report

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

My 8 year old daughter told me this joke
upvote downvote report

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two
upvote downvote report

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a knife in each leg?

You call him a fucking ambulance!!

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane?

The pilot you frickin' racist!
upvote downvote report

With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus
upvote downvote report

If Stranger Things was British it’d be called

Bit Odd Innit?
upvote downvote report

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating
upvote downvote report

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey ladies, what do you call a guy that doesn’t eat pussy?

You don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF
upvote downvote report

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?

An Uber
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian
upvote downvote report

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ catholic
upvote downvote report

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!
upvote downvote report

What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi
upvote downvote report

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...
upvote downvote report

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law
upvote downvote report

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”
upvote downvote report

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”
upvote downvote report

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.
upvote downvote report

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.
upvote downvote report

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea
upvote downvote report

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony
upvote downvote report

what do you call a guy with 15 and a half rabbits up his bum?

Kyle. My names Kyle.
upvote downvote report

What do you call an army of babies?

An infantry
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Mexican guy who's car broke down?

Joaquin
upvote downvote report

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant (with twins)
upvote downvote report

What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners
upvote downvote report

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a penis that disappears?

A Magic Johnson.

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man with a small penis?

Justin

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed
upvote downvote report

What do you call a disease with many followers?

Influenza.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.
upvote downvote report

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget
upvote downvote report

What do you call someone with both Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Ambidextrose
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a filet mignon made from clouds?

A mist steak.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

what do you call it when a swarm of insects goes to italy?

a venice fly trip
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call perspiration from sex in Alabama?

Relative humidity.

If Elon bought Reddit, what would he call it?

eXit
upvote downvote report

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

Matt.
upvote downvote report

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.
upvote downvote report

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...
upvote downvote report

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...
upvote downvote report

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080pee
upvote downvote report

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a virgin who lives in Alabama?

An orphan

What do you call a musician with no girlfriend?

Homeless
upvote downvote report

Whomever called them Kegels….

And not puss-ups really missed out
upvote downvote report

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds
upvote downvote report

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.
upvote downvote report

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...
upvote downvote report

What do you call a cow that's stopped producing milk?

An udder failure.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

What do you call two french women kissing?

Les biens
upvote downvote report

What do you call DJT being indicted?

Unpresidented
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.
upvote downvote report

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who's sexually attracted to trees?

A leaf blower.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins
upvote downvote report

What do you call a person who saw an apple store getting robed?

An iWitness.
upvote downvote report

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

What do you call a girl that doesn't give head?

An UBER
upvote downvote report

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

upvote downvote report

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 75?

Your Honor!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Senator!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

What do you call an unidentified Cajun?

John Deaux
upvote downvote report

What do you call a comedian in China?

Dead.
upvote downvote report

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, on the floor?

Mat.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the ocean?

Bob.


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, in the desert?

Fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call two old men drooling in their wheelchairs?

The 2028 election.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣
upvote downvote report

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.
upvote downvote report

A police officer responding to a gunshot call called his police chief.

"We got an old lady who shot her husband for walking on the floor after she just mopped it," he reported.

"Have you arrested her?" the chief asked.

"Nope. The floor's still wet," he replied.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a weatherman who loves steak and watches?

A meaty horologist
upvote downvote report

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."
upvote downvote report

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce
upvote downvote report

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
upvote downvote report

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Received a call from a female recruitment consultant.

She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!

I replied : Yes. I know 😊

There was a long silence and then she said:- asshole

I replied:- I prefer the other one...

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage
upvote downvote report

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.

So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?” ...
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information