UPJOKE
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What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl?

The Detroit Lions.

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

What do you call someone who speaks three or more languages?

Multilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

Bilingual.

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

American.

What do you call doctors who graduated online?

Google Docs

People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?

constipated

What do you call two bicycles that are stuck together?

Conjoined Schwinns

I've decided I want a pet termite. I'm going to call him Clint.

Clint Eatswood

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

What do you call a flying nun?

A bird? A plane?

Nope, nun of the above

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

What do you call a Russian with Covid?

Kalashnicough

what do Germans call an overweight person?

Gross

What do you call an IT teacher that touches his students

A pdfile

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

What do you call a group of Batmans?

An orphanage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

What do you call the trend to cancel pineapples?

#Banananas

What do you call a poor person from the 1750s

Baroque

A man we’ll call “Egon Tusk” had just become the CEO of a large tech company.

The departing CEO left him with three envelopes numbered 1, 2 and 3.

"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Egon made a lot of changes, but six months later revenues had still not picked up and was in fact lower than when he...

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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

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What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

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What do you call it when John Fogerty has oral sex with a mortician?

Down on the Coroner.

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What do you call 6.02 * 10^23 butts?

Molasses

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

What do you call a giant psychic who manipulates the stock market.

A tall medium who shorts.

What do you call a black guy who studies rocks?

a geologist, you racist!

What do they call ambulances in Russia?

Abubukar

Why did the math teacher call her student average?

She was being mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

What do French people call weed?

Oui’d

What does a triangle call a circle?

Pointless.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?

Skeet.

What do you call Winnie the Pooh’s grandmother?

Poohnanny

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

What do you call a man with a 1" weiner?

Justin.

A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?

Let's just let bigons be bigons.

What do you call a line up of dudes picking up mozzarella cheese

A cheesy pickup line

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go ...

What do you call a Rabbi who is also a chemist?

an Acidic Jew.

\*Slaps Knee\*

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?

A sand witch.

If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately.

Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy that masturbates to literally everything?

Jack of all trades

What do you call it when a Doctor gives themself stitches?

Suture self!

What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who’s also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath?

A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my dick "the Dallas Cowboys"

Because it can't last a day without getting beat, it doesn't have any rings on it, and it disappoints everybody who wants to look at it.

What do you call it when two Vietnamese people are successful?

A Nguyen Nguyen situation

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

What do you call a belt with a clock on it?

A waist of time...

What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

What do you call a fascist that lost his eyesight?

You call him a not-see.

The Captain called the Sergeant in...

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Smith's mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So, the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant, "Johnson report to Personnel to sign some papers.

T...

What do you call a Muslim's , Muslim girlfriend?

Harambae

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a death by someone kicking your butt?

*Assass*ination

The man who invented the umbrella was going to call it brella.

When asked, he hesitated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a knighted Russian homosexual?

Sergei

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff

What do you call a dead lover?

Necromancer

What do you call a sad dog ?

A Melan-Collie.

What do you call a sadder dog ?

A Chi-Waah-Waah.

What do you call a genie that loves to gamble?

A djinnerate.

What do you call when you cross a penguin with a katana?

An ambulance, because nobody crosses a penguin with a katana

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call an impromptu circumcision?

A rip-off.

what do you call it when your french friend copies you

co-pierre

What do you call a dinosaur that is large, immense, huge, collosal, gigantic, vast, enormous, titanic, massive and big?

A thesaurus.

What do you call a silent sheriff?

Cwyatt Earp

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist?

a "lip reader"

What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge?

“Crimea River!”

What do you call a Roman with a hair between his teeth and a smile on his face?

Gladiator

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dinosnore.

What do you call a boring assassin?

A Drycleaner

Rosco sat down at the truck stop diner and called the waitress over.

“I’d like the beef stew and a kind word,” he said to the waitress.

After she dropped off the stew he said “What about the kind word?”

The waitress smiled at him and whispered “Don’t eat the stew.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sex on a first date?

Hole in one.

What do you call a dragon without its silver?

Dr\_ \_on

It's a stupid science joke that lives in my head rent free.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

What do you call forty geeks playing Monopoly?

Microsoft.

What do you call a dinosaur with a sore leg ?

A mylegissaurus!

What do you call an asthmatic emporer?

Julius Wheezer

What do you call the milk from a Christened cow?

Pastorised milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a sexy bitch?

hot dog

What do you call an epileptic in a bush?

Russel.

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.

"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"

Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.

She says, "Of course, I'm not stupid. I'm using D during the day and N during the night"

What do you call people who hate Aglets?

Lacists

What do Russians call it when there is no internet?

Inter-nyet

What do you call a camel with three humps?

Humphrey

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

an English cat, called one, two, three, and a French cat called un, deux, trois had a race across the English channel. which cat won?

The English cat, because the Un, Deux, trois cat sank.

What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?

Trouble.

What do you call an army of German lycanthropes?

The Were-macht.

what do you call an unfinished joke?

you call it a

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry but thankful japanese Cat?

Domo Aggrocato

What do you call a fairy that smells bad

Stinkerbell!

What do you call a tiny mother?

A minimum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sal the boxing promoter gets a call Saturday morning of fight night

“Hey boss, it’s Joe at the gym. Big Frank’s had an accident and broke his thumb. He can’t fight for a month”
Sal goes into a melt down. Big Frank was his heavyweight prospect and the headline of that nights card in the Big Apple. Faced with refunding the tickets he gets on the phone to all the ot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

So it's ok for DC to call a character Black Adam?

But when I call my coworker Black Tony I get called into HR.

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What do you call a butthead who won't listen?

An ignoranus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bouncy prostitute?

Trampoline

What do you call a dinosaur with anxiety?

.
.
Nervous Rex

What do you call a large reptile who likes to stir up petty fights on social media?

An Insta-gator.

What do you call a piece of a funny company?

A laughing stock

What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'shea

What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop.

What do you call a French man in sandals ?

Phillipe Flop

Why do we call dead people 'late'?

Dude, they aren't coming.

What do you call a pretty pumpkin?

Gourdgeous.

What do you call friendly frozen water?

a nice cube

What do you call a reptilian redditor?

A karma chameleon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person with a sexual attraction to bicycles?

A pedal-phile.

What do you call a bunch of Karen's up a tree?

A Country.

What would you call it when a bald man finally removes his ponytail?

A hipsterectomy.

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomokingbird

Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call

I’m tired of all these cold calls!

What do you call a tuna with a monocle?

SOFISHTICATED

What do you call a newborn of middle eastern descent?

An arababian

A senior citizen called her husband...

... during his drive home, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

a policeman calls for backup

Dispatch, we've got a homicide here. Looks like This old lady just shot her husband. She claims it was because he kept tracking dirt over her freshly mopped floors. Over

Understood, is the suspect in custody? Over.

No dispatch. The floor isn't dry yet.

What do you call a warship that hosts greek weddings?

A dishtroyer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese sailor sent out an SOS call.

Just as he is sinking a small boat from the Vladivostok coastguard arrives. Four men greet him and help him onboard.

The first gives him a towel. The sailor dries himself and tries to thank the man, but neither speak each others language very well. The second gives him a warm military jacket...

What do you call a crazy bike lane?

A cyclepath.

What do you call James Bond having a bath?

Bubble 07

What do you call it when you linger too often at a Tibetan sandwich shop?

A daily dilli-dallie at the Dalai Deli.

I’ll show myself out now.

What do you call a super model with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese

What do you call it when two actors are spying on each other?

thespianage

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

What do you call a Star Wars themed bubble tea party?

A Boba Fête

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

Have you heard of this thing called 'Hyperbole'?

Holy S#!t, it's the best goddamn thing in the entire universe.

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

I call my man part "The incredible hulk"

Because it turns green sometimes.

Call me an egg

Cos you guys are crackin' me up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idear.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idear.

And what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls.

Still no fucking idear.

A guy called me a c*nt after I told him I'm a Marxist.

Basically, for telling him about my plans to seize the means of production, he called me a means of reproduction.

What do you call a convention you nominate people for cosplaying as the dead?

Necronomicon

Knee-bone slapper I know…….

What do you call a one night stand between two eye doctors?

An optome-tryst.

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