An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 8 year old son's joke: What do you call an ox with big butt?

Buttocks

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea

What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

What does Arnold Schwarzenegger call a colonoscopy?

A Cameron Diaz.

What do you call a depressed acapella group?

Self Harmony

What do you call two birds stuck together?

Velcrows.

What do you call a French guy wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

What does a French person call marijuana?

Oui'd

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of pure genius.

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

What is the fear of chainsaws called?

Common sense

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sex-offending cat?

a Purr-vert

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

If someone who speaks three languages is called trilingual and someone who speaks two languages is called bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks only one language?

American

What do you call a female rapper?

38 Cent

What do you call a pig with 3 eyes ?

Piiig.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a lake?

Dead

What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

What do you call it when there is no Internet in Russia?

Internyet.

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?







A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an enchanted penis?

A magic johnson.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

What will they call Trump’s prison reality TV show?

Orange is the new Orange.

What do you call a blonde woman with 2 brain cells?

...pregnant!

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off.

What do you call an erection after death?

Die Hard.

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If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome,

I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome.

What do you call an Egyptian doctor who fixes back problems?

A Cairo-practor!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW what do you call a guy masturbating on a plane?

A Highjacker

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call getting a boner at a funeral?

Mourning wood

Best dad joke I ever came up with: What do you call a resistor that doesn't work?

Ohm-less

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started playing COD Cold War yesterday and ended up playing online against a player called Hitler. He got so many kills but...

It was only because he was Kampfing.

What do you call an espresso with a cold?

Cough-ee

What do you call a blind racist?

A not see

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

Dad Joke: What do you call clean music?

A soap opera!

They call me fireman

Cuz I turn on the hoes

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What do you call a person who doesn’t masturbate?

A liar.

What do you call a group of rebellious ants?

Protestants

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

What do you call a chicken that is a ghost?

a poultrygeist


Ill be taking my downvotes in advance thanks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Eskimo prostitute?

A snow blower

What do you call a grandma sheep?

Banana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cheap prostitute who does her job well?

A good bang for your buck

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?

Unemployed

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

What do you call a committee made up entirely of people named William?

A Billboard.

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What do you call a woman that likes to have sex with homeless men? (NSFW)

A Hobosexual

What do you call Batman when he is injured?

Bruised Wayne

Call me an escalator

Cuz I let people down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since vegans can't beat their meat what do they call masturbating?

Stem cell research.

What do you call a very rude Hobbit?

A douchebaggins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a bra is an over-the-shoulder-Boulder-holder, what do you call a jock strap?

An under-the-butt-nut-hut!

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What do you call a deaf gynaecologist?

a lip reader!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a monkey questioning their sexuality

Bicurious george

Why do British people call themselves “Bri ish”

Because they drank the t

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a sugar daddy with no money?

A splenda daddy.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ?

A pi-thon

What do you call a Sith Lord with joint pain?

Darthritis

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance

What do you call a communist sharp shooter?

A Marxman.

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?

Sparky

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

What do you call a redheaded gentleman from a long line of redheads?

A ginger bred man.

What do you call a bunch of whites guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

A guy calls his boss and asks "What's the difference between this morning and your wife?"

Boss: "What?"

Guy: "I'm not coming in *this morning*"

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

What do you call the worst Italian neighborhood?

The spaghetto.

What do you call a journal, found in a shipwreck, detailing the hydration levels of lumbejacks?

A waterlogged logging water log.

What do you call two left sandals?

Flip flips

What do you call a bass player that broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person that sells cow poop?

An entre-manure

What is it called when an Orphan takes a selfie ?

Family Photo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

What do you call a dinosaur that teaches preschool?

A Montessaurus!

What do you call expensive shoes?

Cashews..

- My 9 yr old son.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What do you call someone who keeps talking even if nobody cares?

A teacher

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What do you call cold Mexican food?

A Brrrr-rito.

Guess what I had for breakfast. Apologies if repost.

What do you call a blind white supremacist?

A Not-See

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

I called the library to try to make a reservation...

But they said they were fully booked.

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

What do you call a dinosaur with a strap on?

Pegosaurus Rex

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus!

What do you call a man hiding in the bushes?

Russell........

What do you call a relationship with a dead hooker?

-
-
-
-
-

A Necromance

What do you call a hooker that asks for payment in Italian food?

A pasta-tute.

What do you call an Epic Cow?

Legend Dairy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a pirate cums?

An arrrgasm

What do you call a fish who raps?

A. Swim Shady

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two cows masturbating in a field?

beef stroganoff

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data.

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?

Joe mama.

Credit to u/Grignard_RMgX

What do you call a man who impregnated a plant?

A weed whacker

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

What Do You Call A Dog With No Legs?

Nothing, it cant come when you call it anyways

what do you call a movie that takes place in a school?

a school shooting


(if this has been made before i apologise anyways have a good day)

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

What do you call a naked bear?

A bare

What is it called when you kill your best friend ?

Homiecide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

What do you call the collective of all movies, songs, and stories about dogs?

Pup culture

I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.

She told me "You're the goddamn doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

What do you call vehicles falling from the sky?

Van Halen

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute behind a KFC?

A $5 Fill-up

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

What do you call a poor Zimbabwe citizen?

A trillionaire.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF File.

What do you call the byproduct of incest?

Gross Domestic product.

Why is it called “The Mall”

Because instead of going to one store, you’re going to “Them all”

What do you call a wizard who seduces pastries?

A pyromancer!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitutes children?

Brothel Sprouts

what are cows knees called?

burger joints

What do you call a group of racist white chickens

COO CLUCKS CLAN

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sailor who likes to get tied up and gagged during sex?

A submarine

What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks?

The Hollercaust.

What do you call an Italian drug dealer in Asia?

Narco Polo

What do you call a person with severe ADHD

AD4K

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investiGATOR.

Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.

You can call me Apple.

Because I'm always in cider.

What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?

2 kilomockingbirds.

What do you call Bob the builder without a job?

Bob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full

What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?

Matt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss gets really pissy when I call him "Dick".

I think it's because his name is "Neil".

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

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