What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?

A late boomer

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Just called the tinnitus hotline

It didn’t stop ringing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a caring prostitute?

Someone who gives a fuck

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?

Lycansubscribe

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you call a horde of hungry women?

Faminism.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerkey

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

What would you call a Communist sniper?

A marxman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call him he won’t come.

What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What do you call a cow with four legs?

Just a cow.

What if it has three? Lean beef.

No legs? Ground beef.

Okay how about a cow with two leg? Your mom.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two identical looking boobs?

Identities.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot you racist fuck

Instead of ‘Clue’, we should have a game called ‘Epstein’ where the objective is to find out who the murderer is.

Players include Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Prince Edwards!

What do you call a French man wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a man with no arms or legs?

Some body.

What do you call a Russian android with poor coverage?

Data Roaminoff.

So, I felt depressed and decided to call the Tinnitus Helpline

But it just kept on ringing...

If you are driving a "Tesla" And it gets stolen, Now it is called an "Edison"

Treelon

What do you call a dead magician?

Abra-cadaver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a blow job in the morning?

A head start!

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep?

A roaming Catholic

What do you call a double date in Alabama?

A family dinner

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin

I used to think it was pretentious that Subway call their staff “Sandwich Artists”.

But I suppose it is the most likely career option for an Art graduate.

What do you call a firework that's not very impressive?

Ok boomer.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call horny waterfalls?

Viagra Falls

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?

Reintarnation

What do you call a Vampire with a bad cold?

Nosferachoo!

What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a World Cup?

A waiter

What do you call a soldier who survived a mustard gas attack AND pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran

What do you call a group of Gollums?

A flock of smeogols.

What do you call a flying cow?

A high stakes mission

This is my first ever post on reddit hope you like it.

What doe you call a German pregnancy?

Kinder surprise!

What do you call a piece of wood that is 6' x 6' x 6'?

The Lumber of the Beast

What do you call a musical faucet?

A sync

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A key that opens any lock is called a Skeleton Key. What do you call a lock that opens for any key?

A shitty lock.

What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you cum on a sad girl?

A download.

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain


My daughter's joke.

What do you call a Wookiee with a nicotine addiction?

Chew to' bacca

What do you call supersonic yoghurt?

Concurde

What do you call hiking US college students?

The walking debt.

what do you call czech music?

prague rock

What do you call Two horses that make a great couple?

A stable relationship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a constipated detective?

No-shit Sherlock

What do you call a guy peeing blood monthly?

why?

What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?

Sir Ramic

What do you call a pig that eats other pigs?

Hammibal Lecter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who the hell called them therapists

When they could have been called mental detectors

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

If fresh noodles are noodles, what are expired noodles called?

Oldles.

What do you call a shunned furry?

Fursona non grata.

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make.

Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

What do you call a loud person from Chicago?

Illinoisey

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

What do you call handicapped kids doing karate?

partial-arts

What do you call a spider with a cocaine addiction...

An acracknid

What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese chihuahua?

Konichihuahua

If your SON becomes a PRIEST and then DIES, what do you call him?

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What do you call a rotten car?

A Carrot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl on her period who masturbates?

Bloody wanker.

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyoncé.

What do you call a blonde who dyed her hair black?

Artificial Intelligence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked…

'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a...

What do you call a wolf that has things figured out?

Aware wolf.

Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car

"Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!"

Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?"

There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"

What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight?

Bruised Wayne

A boy calls 911…

A boy calls 911.

Boy: Hello? I need your help!

911: Alright, What is it?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911: So what's your emergency?

Boy: The ugly one is winning!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

What do you call a bug at night?

A lunatic!

What do you call a curvy girl who voted for Trump?

Thick with 3 K’s

What do you call a failed kamikaze?

Suicide

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn...

They said they can't do anything about crows and to stop calling them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse got a call from his lawyer,

"Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie just because she's 'extremely silly'!"

"I didn't say she was extremely silly. I said she was fucking Goofy!"

What do sheep call the oldest patriarch of the herd?

The pasture prime.

What do you call sperm's cells race?

Survival of the fetus

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller

What do you call the employees at a Samsung store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

What do you call a mix of ketchup and mustard?

The Spanish Inquisition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sexual assault at a vineyard?

A Harvey Winestein

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pair of cum stained pants?

Bukkahkis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a joke about an old lady's boobs?

A knee slapper.

what do you call a blind mathematician?

a secant.

What do you call a ball during an earthquake

A Shakespeare

What do you call a witty comeback you see on r/jokes?

A riposte

What do you call a Italian hooker?

A pastatute

What is it called when a gang member kills his best friend?

Homiecide

What do you call a woman with iron deficiency?

Male

Whaddaya call a guy with no arms or legs trying to water ski?

Skip.

What do you call an old suicide bomber?

A ka-boomer

My wife called my a paedophile today.

Big words for a 9 year old.

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do they call a tentacle porn in a Harry Potter universe?

Squidditch

What do you call a skinny kim-jung in?

Slim-jung un

What do you call a clown holding a door open for an elderly woman?

A nice jester

What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?

Instant Greta-fication.

What do you call a male panda?

Amanda!

*^((I know it's not saying much, but this is OC!))*

What do you call the place in a French city where the minorities live?

A baguetto

What do you call it when someone borrows money to buy cheese?

A Provo-loan

What do you call a horse with one eye?

Cy-clops.

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