This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

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The new sex position is called Brexit:

It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:

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People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse code.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

ea

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started?

A late boomer

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped

Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins

What do your call a knight that is afraid to fight?

Sir Render.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marx-man

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?

0 K boomer

What do you call a turkey's evil twin?

A Gobblegänger.

What do you call a witch in the middle of the desert?

A Sandwich

Im sorry i go die now

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his student?

PDF file.

I called a dwarf by the wrong name.

He wasn't Happy.

What do you call an Italian hooker?

A pasta tute

What do you call it when you murder a friend?

A homiecide.

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

What do you call a man scared of Christmas?

Claus - trophobic.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

What do you call an erection you get during a funeral

Mourning wood

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

Just called the tinnitus hotline

It didn’t stop ringing

What do you call a fish looking for cancer treatment.

Finding chemo.

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What do you call a caring prostitute?

Someone who gives a fuck

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

What do you call a bunch of white men sitting on a bench?

The NBA

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball

Juan v Juan

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed

I'm not in middle school anymore

All my colleagues at work call me “Mr. Compromise.”

It isn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I’m ok with it.

What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?

Lycansubscribe

What do you call a man hiding in the bushes?

Russell

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pony with a sore throat

A little hoarse

what do you call a mexican without a car?

Carlos

What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

What do you call a female elf?

Shelf

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

What do you call a Yeti with an attitude?

A Sassy-squach.

The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

What do you call Two Mexican Snipers?

Juan Shot
Juan Kill

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

What do you call a horde of hungry women?

Faminism.

What do you call a group of unvaccinated children?

A Plagueround

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

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What do German Miners call their penis?

Mein Schaft.

What do you called a blind German?

A not-see

What do you call the best condom in the world?

Inconceivable

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What do you call a cow with epilepsy?

Beef Jerkey

What do you call a girl with one leg

Aileen

What would you call a miniature clone of Eminem?

Partial Mathers

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What do you call a white guy with a big dick?

Michael Jackson

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim."

That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

What do you call a piece of paper with a Bull on it?

Bullsheet.

Yeah it’s really bad I know.

What do you call Arnold Schwarzenegger when he makes decisions?

Determinator

What do you call a fake noodle

An Impasta

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

Me and my friend are going to form a band called 'the duvets'

Mainly going to be a cover band

What did the 7 dwarves call Snow White?

High hoe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cake baked by a prostitute?

Hoe Made

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

What do you call people who worship cheese?

Brielievers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black astronaut?

>!An astronaut, you fucking racist.!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a blow job in the morning?

A head start!

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

How do australians call their mother?

wow

What do you call Santa after he declares bankruptcy?

Saint Nickeless

What did the Doctor call Napoleon when he broke a bone?

Napoleon Bone-apart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who fixes boners?

An erectrician

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

I saw a man collapse on the pavement and clutch his chest. He begged me to call him a doctor.

So I said: "You're a doctor."

What do you call a child who fell off the roof?

An ambulance.

My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at karate?

The Carroty Kid.

What do you call Madagascar if it was only for cars?

MadaNascar.



I thought of this yesterday.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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If Chinese music is called C-pop, Korean music is called K-pop, and Japanese music is called J-pop, what do you call Drake's music?

Crap.

Andre: I call my invention the humidifier

DeAndre: umm... you’re not gonna like this.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the person who steals from black people?

Robbin Hood

What do you call a mouse that swears?

A cursor

Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them?

So they stay grounded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen.


Did you hear about her porno?


Come on Eileen.

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer?

A father in law

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?

A maybe

What do you call someone who tells you that you must see the new Star Wars series?

A Mandatorian

What do you call Christopher Reeves’ opposite?

Christopher Walken

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

What do you call an unpredictable camera??

What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon.

What do you call a Russian on a cracker?

Putin on the ritz

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a truckload of dildos?

Toys for twats.

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

What do you call a hungry Mexican horse?

No-hay josè

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sex organs?

Still no fucking idea.

What do you call a fly designed by Bethesda?

A T-pose.

Hey guys what do you call an emergency vehicle made out of potatoes?

A yambulance

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

What do you call it when someone isn’t sure they want to make plans to visit an Indian Casio?

A reservation reservation reservation.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work...

I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

What do you call a child's meal?

Childdish.

What do you call particularly complex stairs?

Stairs with extra steps.

What do you call the person who finishes last in medical school?

Doctor.

Another pointless joke... What do you call a Jewish Knight?

Sir Cumcised

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth “delivery”.

Shouldn’t it be called “takeout” instead?

What do you call an abortion in Prague?

A cancelled Czech.

I call my horse Mayo

And sometimes mayonnaise.

What do you call a man who had too much to drink?

A cab :)

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

What do you call a military officer who knows everything about anything?

General Knowledge.

What does George W Bush call his kitty cats?

Weapons of mice destruction

What do you call a 350 lb fat woman with short arms?

Someone who can't wipe.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

Why did the molecular biologist call the FBI to incarcerate the political extremist?

Because he hated free radicals.

What do you call a lobster from China?

A crust-asian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a snowman ejaculates?

Ice Cream

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two identical looking boobs?

Identities.

What do you call a smart blonde?

Golden Retriever

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?

Shakespeare

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then j...

A Brittish ship calls the German coastguard

"MAYDAY! WE ARE SINKING! I REPEAT WE ARE SINKING!"

"Zis iz the German coastguard. What are you sinking about?"

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Timeless Classic: What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

What do you call a cow with four legs?

Just a cow.

What if it has three? Lean beef.

No legs? Ground beef.

Okay how about a cow with two leg? Your mom.

What do you call a lizard who can’t mate?

E-reptile dysfunction

What do you call a lump of cheese that likes milk?

A feta pile!

What do you call a retired mailman?

A post officer

What do you call a Russian royal who calms down people?

A tranquiliczar.

What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?

A roamin' Catholic

What is it called when a tree has spine problems?

ScoliOAKsis.

What do you call a camping convict?

Criminal intent.

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