What is a Karen called in Europe

An American

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

What do you call people who believe in Satan?

Christians

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

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A lady finally found her soulmate and calls her dad to tell him about it

(Translated from romanian, hopefully you will get it lol)

The dad is smiling and eager to find out more about this man he asks even more questions about her new lover.

She tells him that he is smart, beautiful, finished his studies at a highly prestigious university and now he is worki...

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The sex position 69 will now be called 96

This is due to inflation, the cost of eating out increased.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

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What do you call it when one German WWII soldier lies to you, then another, then two lie to you, then three tell you a lie, then five lie to you, then eight, then thirteen....

A fibbin' Nazi sequence

In Europe, they don't call it the "Friend Zone"

They call it the "Pal Region"

I call my wife Bambi, she thinks it's because she is cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality I just hope someone shoots her mother with a hunting rifle.

What do the French call marijuana?

Oui'd.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

What do you call a Labrador who does Magic?

Labrakadabrador

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

What do you call a child born out of incest?

Gross domestic product.

What do you call a hookers fart?

A prosti-tooooot

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

What do you call a triangle with angles 42.0°, 69° and 69°?

A Nice-osceles triangle.

What do you call a Magician without magic?

Ian

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

What do you call a Dent that looks better from a different angle?

Harvey





\*My first 100% original dad joke. I am proud of me\*

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

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Why do retail workers call rude and snotty customers “Karen”?

Because they would lose their job if they called them a “Cunt”.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend

Homeless

What do you call a person who studies the color blue?

A cyantologist.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

[NSFW] What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A bloody rip off.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

What do you call an Egyptian doctor?

Cairo-practor.

I hate it when engineering students call themselves "Engineer"

you don't see med students calling themselves doctor, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial Intelligence

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

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The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.

When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!

Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

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What do you call group sex in a rowboat?

An oargy

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?



Roberto.

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what do you call two old people having sex?

a slowpoke.

what do you call a fake fish?

a de"koi"

>!(if you don't get it, say it out loud)!<

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

What do you call a robots one night stand?

A nut and bolt

I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'.

What's the secret?"

The old man replied: "I forgot her name years ago and I'm scared to ask her!!!!!!

If people from Utah are called Utahns, what are people from Tampa called?

Floridians

What do you call a dolphin in the woods?

Dead.

My 4yo nephew just made this one up.

What do you call a dinosaur fart?

A blast from the past

What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?

The Ex-terminator.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

What do you call a spider that has its left legs on the right side and right legs on the left side

A daddy wrong legs

What do you call a group of dad jokes?

A Pundemic

What do you call a mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory....

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What do you call a girl who never masturbates?

You call her a liar

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A woman was stuck in a ditch and called a tow truck for help.

The truck arrives and the driver sticks his head out the window and says “Ma’am you are the third freshly fucked lady I’ve pulled out of a ditch today.“

“I am CERTAINLY not “freshly fucked!““ the woman replies indignantly.

Driver “Maybe not, but you ain’t out of the ditch yet either!“

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What do you call 2 people from different countries having sex?

Foreign Affairs

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

What did they call the conflict between Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr?

The Ham-Burr-Grrr.

I'm not even sorry.

What do you call a "woke" droid?

R2-Me2

What do call a Cougar that has lost her hearing?

A Def Leppard

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

What do you call a moose with two legs shorter than the others?

Mussolini

What do you call someone with Alzheimer's?

They don't know either.

What do you call a Irish man bouncing off the walls?

Rick O Shea

What do you call summer camp for unvaccinated kids?

Cemeteries.

What is Instagram called in USA?

Instaounce.

What do you call it when you sleep with a Slavic storm god?

Taking a rain-czech

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

What do you call an English man at a world cup final?

A referee.

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What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile

Who does a racist call when his car breaks down?

Triple K

What do you call a male thermometer?

A therdadeter.

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What do you call an overweight penis doctor that can also tell you the weather forecast?

A meaty-urologist.

Girls call me ugly until they see my wallet.

Then they call me ugly AND poor.

What do you call a disabled gang member?

A crip

What do you call a really old OBGYN?

A Gynosaur

What do they call the rapper "50 Cent" in Venezuela?

$1,554,270.59

How do you call a Lada on top of a hill?

A miracle.

-

 

-

And how do you call _two_ Ladas on top of a hill?

-

Science fiction

-

 

-

But how do you call _three_ Ladas on top of a hill?

-

An interesting place for a Lada factory.

What do you call an uncool beet?

A square root

Tell a woman she's beautiful a thousand times and she'll still act like she's never heard it before. Call a woman fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget.

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Some people call me a Grammar Nazi and I HATE it!

I am clearly not Anti-Semantic.

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

What do you call an army of toddlers?

An Infantry.

What do you call a person who finishes last in medical school?

Hopefully not my doctor

What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a therapist who moonlights as a prostitute?

A cathartic thot.

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A wife calls her husband.

"The plumber is gonna come in 7, to fix the clogged sink."

"Oh no. You think he's still angry at me from the last time?"

"What happened last time?"

"He said he's here to replace the toilet. So I pissed on him"

My husband called me a p*ssy, and I had to remind him...

"You are what you eat."

I've been a d*ck ever since.

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What do you call a guy with two dicks?

Ambidextrous.

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

What do you call an Italian baker who gives backrubs?

A Tira-masseuse.

What do hillbillies call their relatives from past generations?

Their incestors


Came up with it myself. How did I do?

What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain!

What did the other bugs call the bug who wanted to be an astronaut?

A LUNAtick

What do you call the Kardashian family taking a swim in the ocean?

pollution

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

phone call

Today I dialed a wrong number… The other person said, “Hello?” and I said, “Hello, could I speak to Joey?”… They said, “Uh… I don’t think so…he’s only 2 months old.” I said, “I’ll wait.

What do you call the person who makes orthopedic foot braces?

A hobbler

What do you call a line of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line

What do you call unemployed Bob the builder?

Bob

What do you call an Eevee evolution that specializes in melee?

Bludgeon

What do you call a mentally handicapped bakery?

We tart it.

What do you call vegan seafood?

Artifishial

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Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer

Lawyer: Mickey I’ve looked over all the paperwork and you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s crazy

Mickey: I never said she was crazy I said she was fucking Goofy!

Had a bunch of missed calls yesterday...

They were from my buddy Mike complaining he was sore all over.

I think I missed Mike ache day.

What do you call a Muslim eating a lettuce?

Saladin

What do you call a Russian leaders coffin?

A czarcophahus

What's it called when a flower gives head?

Floral.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Little old lady calls the fire department

A little old lady calls the fire department and says, help, come right away, my house is on fire.
The dispatcher says okay ma'am, how do we get there?
The little old lady replies, don't ya'll still have that red truck?

What do you call a one-legged woman

Matiltda

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

Who do you call the underwater seaspy?

James Pond

What do you call a person with 2 donkeys?

Biased

What do you call a broken car?

Nothing! You call a mechanic.

What do you call a fort made out of doors?

Fort Knocks.

This furniture store keeps calling me…

all I wanted was one nightstand.

What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations?

An heir mattress

Someone called me lazy today

I almost replied...

What do you call an exhibitionist suicide bomber?

A flash bang

Karen's 911 call

Karen was cleaning Kyle's rifle and shot him by accident. She calls 911.

"It's my husband," said Karen. "I've accidentally shot him... I've killed him," she sobbed.

"Please calm down, ma'am," the 911 operator tried to sooth her. "Can you please make sure he's actually dead?"
...

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear (yes i know my sense of humour is great)

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

what do you call medical students who graduated online?

google docs

Q: What do you call a talkative Trekkie?

A: William Chatner!

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

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An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

What do you call a triangle that's had too much to drink?

A rekt angle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter! The dog isn’t going to come anyways.

But what do you call a eunuch with no legs?

Still doesn’t matter! He’s not going to cum anyways!

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

What do you call it when you can’t make it to the bathroom in time?

A shartcut

What do you call an onion that likes to rhyme?

A Rapscallion!

What do you call evil duck rituals?

Fowl practices!

What do you call someone from Alabama stuck in a sandwich?

Inbread.

What do you call a french man wearing sandals?

Phillipe phillope

Whst should a man call a wink from his wife ?

Wife eye connection.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Stake

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

Last year's hide-and-go-seek champion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef

What do you call men who make "Women belong in the kitchen" jokes?

Single.

What do you call a long line of LGBT people

An LGBTQ

Somewhere over Belarus a pilot just had a radio call

Pilot to crew: We are requested to land immediately.

Please prepare the cabin.

Crew: Why, what is happening?

Pilot: Threat of an explosive.

Cew: What? What explosive?!

Pilot: The one they will fire at us if we don't.

What do you call a sheep thief?

Steel wool.

What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen?

Moscow.

What do you call toast in a cage?

Bread in captivity.

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

What do you call adult-only Chess videos?

Pawn

What do you call it when a lizard loses its tail and it doesn’t grow back?

A-reptile dysfunction

What do you call a Canadian cartoon?

Anim-eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a detective without his intestines?

No Shit Sherlock

What do you call an acid with an attitude?

A-mean-o acid

How do you call a bread-shooting gun?

Carbine

What do you call 5 naked French men?

Deix Nuts!

what do you call a fish that can dunk?

swooshi !
(proud of this one)

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work

A can't opener

What do you call a stupid grain?

A half wheat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

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