Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

What are smart people called in America?

Tourists.

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

What do you call a soldier who never made it past boot camp

A cop

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

What do you call a rude cactus?

A prick

I’m deeply sorry

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

I like to call my weed "the Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

What do you call a knight with no foreskin?

Sir-cumcised

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.

Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

What do you call a joke with no meaning?

Life

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A porn actor calls in sick

"I can't come today"

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

What do you call a beehive that has no exits?

Un-bee-leavable

If you speak three languages you are trilingual. If you speak two languages you are bilingual. But what do you call someone who speaks one language?

American

What do you call an intoxicated golfer?

A drunk driver.

What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

***A tourist***

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."

She responded, "How about now?"

What do you call a hippie's wife?

A Mississippi.

A cow with no legs is ground beef. A cow with 3 legs is lean beef. But what do you call a cow with 2 legs?

Your Mom

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

(Full Disclosure: I'm showing Jurassic Park to my kids for the first time)

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.

What do you call a fruity bounty hunter?

A mangolorian

What do you call a failed abortion?

Survival of the fetus

What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

A person calls 911

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?

I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...

We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.



Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.



\*sorry\*

What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?

A lambslide

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

If I ever opened a car repair shop, I would call it "Auto-Correct".

Then I'd paint the floor with those red squiggly lines...

What is the phobia of chainsaws called?

Common Sense

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?

Bombi.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

Still a fly. The irony is unfortunate but the name doesn’t change.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

What do you call a magician that lost his magic?

Ian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is called “WOW”

It’s where I flip your MOM over

What do you call a deaf dog?

Doesn’t matter, he ain’t coming.

What do you call someone who is half black?

Halfrican-American

What do you call a Russian Starbucks

Tsarbucks

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well slap my ass and call me a paycheck

Because I’m never enough.

What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off

What do you call an explosive monkey?

A baboom.

Females call me Little Ceasar

Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

I think video games like Call of Duty set a terrible example for children.

There's no lag when you shoot someone in real life.

I used to be in a band called "The Hinges"

We opened for The Doors

Is it safe to say that babies born in the year 2020 will be called....

...doomers?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a bunch of homosexuals on fire?

LGBBQ

Some guy called me a tool

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Why is it called a zoom meeting

When it should be a co-vid

What do you call a white supremacist at a BLM rally?

An ambulance.

What do you call a group of Karens?

A complaint

What do you call a horse with insomnia?

A nightmare.

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

If the prefix "pluto" means wealth, and the suffix "theist" means belief or worship of a deity, what do you call someone who worships money above all else?

American

What do you call a dwarf psychic on the run?

A small medium at large!

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

What do you call a female version of transformers?

Transformhers

What do you call liquid with electricity going through it?

Watter

What do you call a prisoner with a snarky attitude going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.

0 Kills

0 Assist

7 Deaths

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

I'm in a band called 1023 MB

We haven't had a gig yet

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a farmer who does sexual videos?

A cornstar

What do you call someone with no arms and no legs?

Names.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a box of viagra pills?

An expansion pack.

What do you call a snowman that plays piano?

Meltin' John

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You may call me a racist.

But I won't tell black people jokes.

What do you call an app for an online bukkake party?

Facetime.

What do you call a American cop when he shoots a disabled homeless man?

An ambulance

What do you call a large gathering of Irish people?

Lepre-con

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie's butt?

A dead end

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it called boob sweat

And not humiditties?

What do you call a Russian cat that interrupts a movie?

A blue-purr.

Curtesy of my 9 year old joke writer.

What do you call a duck with no bill?

A Noble duck :)

What do you call a mad avatar

Aangry

What do you call a guy with a pink shirt, pink shoes,and a pink 40 caliber?

Sir.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs who's swimming?

Bob

What do you call a dinosaur that knows all the words?

A thesaurus.

Trampolines use to be called jumpolines

Until your mom used one back in the 80s

What do you call a Bee that works for the government?

A Pollentician.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

Never call your heroin Jesus.

You shouldn't take the Lord's name in vein.

What to you call a upscale restaurant that specializes in pork?

Swine dining.

(My daughter just told me this one and I told her I'd post it on here for her)

What do you call a Snowman with six-pack abs?

What do you can a Snowman with six-pack abs?


An Abdominal Snowman.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Disabled










I'm sorry, I know I'm a terrible person but I heard this and just had to share it.

I called the suicide hotline in Iraq

They got excited and asked me if I could drive a truck

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

If obi wan kenobi ever made a drug den he would call it..

The High Ground

What do you call a dog lifeguard?

A good buoy

A father is called into school by his son’s teacher

Sir, you must know that your son drew a fly on his bench that looked so realistic I almost broke my hand trying to swat it!

Ha, that’s nothing. This morning I went into the bathroom and he had painted a crocodile in the bathtub. You should have seen me run away through the painted door...

I was in a punk band in the 80s called Missing Cat.

You might remember our flyers

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards ?

A receding hare-line !

What do you call a Mexican without a car

Carlos

What do you call a wizard without the 'd'?

A witch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry Nazi?

A Sauerkraut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke a customer told me when I used to work at a call center

A husband is eating dinner with his wife and he decides to ask her

"honey how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

the wife replies "oh I just don't want to bother you while you're at work"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you’re watching porn, and you finish right as it shows the guy’s dick?

Dishonorable discharge

What do you call Jesus when he becomes a meth Addict

The methiah

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a BDSM-loving vegetable?

Butternut squash

What do you call Joaquin Phoenix when he's walking across a busy road?

Jay Joaquin Phoenix.

What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.










I hate this joke.

What do you call a Pakistani man who likes standing between buildings?

Ali.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife: Our son called me a bitch today

Husband: What! That little son of a bitch

What do you call a French a**hole?

A douchebaguette

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes my mom calls me a son of a bitch.

I completely agree!

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

What do you call the day the pandas go extinct ?

A pandamonium

What do you call a computer that sings?

Adell

What do you call a bunch of chinese bears at an orgy?

A pandemonium.

what do you call a escalator that doesn’t work?

stairs

What do you call a Bakery run by a person with Parkinsons

A Shake’n’Bake

What do ypu call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

A young man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The young man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The...

What do you call your angry French auntie?

A crossaunt

What do you call a pig in kung fu class?

Pork chop

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

What do you call a nice karen?

Karain't

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Her-ass-mint

Me: "What do you call a big rock?"

Person: "Boulder."

**Me:** **"What do you call a big rock?"**

What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff

What do you call a hairdo that will get you laid exactly 0 times?

A nullet

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: If a man's signature is called a John Hancock, what do you call a woman's?

A: Historically insignificant.

What do you call a mom who is short?

A mini-mum

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