This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

What did the drummer call his twin daughters ?

Anna One, Anna Two

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

What do we call smart people in the US?

Tourists.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.

But he hesitated.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.


So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.

The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

What do you call a fat person in Europe?

An American tourist

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

What do you call a Roman Emperor, without his epileptic pills?

Julius Seizure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a zombie boner?

A reserection

What do you call a bullet proof Irish man?

Rick O'Shea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sexy neighbour was complaining about stuff being stolen from her clothes line, and that she was going to the call the police.

I nearly shit her pants

What do you call two clueless, old men.

Presidential Candidates

What do you call a cow with 2 legs

Your mom

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

What do you call a dog underwater?

A Scooby diver


*My seven year old asked me to post this here.

What do you call a person missing 75% of their spine?

A quarterback

The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!

All I wanted was the one night stand.

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

What do you call a deaf gynecologist? ( nsfw)

A lip reader

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

What are the smartest people in America called?

Tourists.

What they call Miley Cyrus in Europe

Kilometery Cyrus

What do you call a scientist who works with bacteria?

A man of culture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman calls her local dairy, telling them she wants to order enough milk to take a milk bath...

“You want the milk pasteurized?”

“No, just up to my tits.”

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears ...

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My favorite NSFW Joke: A guy calls his friend, and says "you're not gonna BELIEVE what happened to me last night...

I was walking home from the bar, and I saw this woman tied to the railroad tracks, like in the old silent movies!"

His friend says "that's crazy! So what did you do?"
"Well, I untied her of course! And then I took her home and had sex with her all night long."

His friend says "tha...

What do you call an apology written only with dots and dashes?

ReMorse code.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef!

A cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

A cow with 2 legs?

YO MAMA

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

What do you call a chicken haunting your home?

A Poultrygeist.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex

my ex

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus. Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her w...

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

*FULL*

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when Albert Einstein masturbates?

A stroke of genius.

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NSFW: What do you call a urologist who performs reconstructive surgery?

A cocksmith.

What do you call a fish wearing a tie?

So-FISH-ticated

;)

What do you call a bear with four arms, four legs, and four sets of eyes?

An Octobear.

What do you call a spider-man with shaky hands

Peter Parkinson

What do you call the end of a boxer's joke?

The punchline.

What do you call someone born in the 1800's?

Dead.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

“Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

Wit...

What do you call a woman with one leg

ilean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the type of women who have sex with me?

Beta Testers

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs....

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in a swimming pool?
Bob


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s on the wall?
Art


What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who’s in front of a door?
Matt


What do you call a guy with no arms or leg...

What do you call a person refusing to wear a mask now days?

Maskhole

What do you call a vegan burger?

A misteak

Why call them Blue Balls...

When you can call them a Cummy Ache?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return?

a fucking STICK

What do you call a mechanical encyclopedia?

A facts machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who flies a spaceship to Uranus?

An asstronaut.

What do you call a snail’s luggage?

Its cargo

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

What do you call a 25 cent hooker?

A quarter pounder.

A man calls 911

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Ple...

How do you call a redditor who read everything?

A readitor

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A Mississippi!

What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman who says she isn’t with you for your money?

A liar
(Fuck you Linda)

My math teacher called me average

How mean is that ?

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What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan Nick at the disc co

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

What do you call a pirate that likes golden showers?

ARRRRRRRRR Kelly

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…

I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.

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What do you call a natural disaster full of prostitutes?

A whornado

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

What do you call it when a trans person does somthing

A transaction

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?

Sparky

What do you call a cat who likes to eat beans?

Puss 'n' Toots!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Hitler in a pool?

Adolfin.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

What do you call it when a man lies about his p*nis size?

A Phallacy!

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who is buried in a pile of leaves?

Russel

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

What do you call someone who has seen an iPhone being stolen?

An iWitness!

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

What is a microwave's beep sound file called?

Micro.wav

What do you call a time-traveller's fart?

A blast from the past.

What do you call an ant that’s been shunned by his community?

Socially dist-ant

What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.

What do you call a tiny book, a tiny church, a tiny congregation, a tiny priest and a tiny god?

A little faith.

What’s the male version of a Karen called?

I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

What do you call a girl thirsty for water?

H2Hoe

What does the receptionist working at a sperm bank say when they pick up calls?

Hi, local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it, how can I help you?

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

What do you call it when two Nissan Cubes get into an accident?

A wreck-tangle.

What do you call a place you go to buy evacuation equipment?

A flee market

What do you call a baby owl that gets caught in a light rain?

A moist owlet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a group of gays waiting in a line?

An LGBTQueue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If men who have sex for money are called gigolos,

Are men who have sex for free working pro boner?

What do you call two junkies trying to split a bag?

Crystal Math

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who steals viagra?

A hardened criminal.

What do you call someone who doesn't know there shapes

A flat earther

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a girl does a porno during her time of the month?

A period piece

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a hundred neo-nazis at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with a small dick?

Just-in!

What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ?

nobody knows

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

What do you call a caretaker of chickens?

A chicken tender

What do you call when a person with a foot fetish gets to smash on the first date?

*getting* *off* *on* *the* *right* *foot*

What do you call a Chinese food picnic?

A Wok in the park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist?

A Cairopractor

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

What do you call juice with no ice in it?

Ju

What do you call a croc who does detective work?

Investigator!

What do you call a confused panda?

Bamboozled

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Antarctic resident who has sex with both males and females?

Bipolar.

What do you call it when someone puts on too much perfume?

Eauverload.

What do you call a chav in a box?

Innit.

What do you call a chav in a locked box?

Safe.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

What do you call an indecisive asparagus?

An uhhhsparagus :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a large bearded homosexual man with no teeth, who enjoys giving blowjobs?

A gummy bear.

What do you call a tree with a muzzle?

All bark and no bite

What do you call a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like how boobs are called differently for some women

Like it's called udder for your mom




^i'm ^sorry

What would you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dino-snore

What do you call a magician before he learn magic?

Ian

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?

A PDF file.

What do you call a detective in bed?

Going undercover.

(came up with this at 12am one random night)

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son called my wife a bitch.

That son of a bitch is grounded.

What do you call a knight who only attacks after 8pm?

A Knight of Nights

Who do you call a bee who writes legislation?

A pollintician.

My GF asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, and she looks just like her but younger... She smiled and said "Will she call me mommy??"

"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you Mommy?"

What do you call a monkey in a minefield?

A baboooom!

Civilians call it a bathroom

Civilians call it a bathroom, because they take baths in it,

The airforce calls it a lavatory, because they use it to freshen up,

The army calls it a latrine, because they use it to take a dump...

So why does the navy call it a head?

What do you call a smart person in America?

A foreigner.

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 Detour.

What do you call a solar powered keyboard?

A photosynthesiser

If Jesus was real they would not call it crucifixion

They would call it crucifact

What do you call a Russian politician who is first to test their new Corona vaccine?

Alexei Navalni

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck.

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down

Why is that ship called 3.14?

Because it’s filled with π-rates.

What do you call when ten people fall into a trap?

TENET.

What do you call Bob the builder during a recession?

Bob

(I'm sorry idk why, but I had to post this)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Do You Call A Man Who Takes Huge Pride Over The Size Of His Balls ?

Egotesticle

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