UPJOKE
call intelephonevisithollercryscreamshoutdemandcall upsummonyellphonenameoutcrysquall

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What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

relative humidity.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

My colleagues call me “The Computer”.

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

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What do you call a prostitute who works for free ?

A pro boner

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

What do you call a beauty pageant for still-borns?

Little Miss Carriage

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

What do you call a fish that eats ass?

A bottom feeder.

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What do you call sweaty boobs?

Humidititties

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

what do you call the situation when you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them?

Byelingual.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

What do you call someone who gets paid not to work?

A shareholder.

What do you call a guy who fills his underwear with glitter?

Pretty nuts

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

What do you call a werewolf in plain sight?

A therewolf.

What do you call it when cats rebel?

Mew-tiny!

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

The cops just called and told me they found my husbands body in the water

I was very concerned as that was not where I’d put it

My math teacher called me average.

How mean.

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What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?

A liar

what do you call a marine with an IQ of 70?

General!

A joke from my very proud wife: what do you call a tiny axolotl?

"An axolitl!!"

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what do you call a redditor in a wheelchair?

virgin mobile.

What do you call $100 when it's paid out in 20 dollar bills?

The Jackson 5

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

what do you call a pale, introvert nerd?

Fair and square

What do you call a retired cowboy?

Deranged.

What do you call someone who is scared of Santas?

Claustrophobic

What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillippe Philoppe

What do you call a biologist that likes to be shamed & humliated in the bedroom?

Biodegradable

What do you call a hen that can count her own eggs?

A Mathemachicken!

What do you call a boat full of mean potatoes?

A dictatorship

What do you call a Texas cop in tactical gear?

A copsplayer.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Fe Fi Fo-bia

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

THAT'S what you guys call missionary?

Weird. Missionary's what I call it when I don't let him come inside.

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

what do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

Calling a friend in Ukraine

“Hi, what is going on ?:”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.”

“And NATO ?”

“Did not arrive yet.”

What do you call a Russian tank brigade returning from Ukraine?

An infantry platoon.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual and one who speaks three, is trilingual. What do you call a person who speaks only one language?

American

what do you call a chinese baby that was born too early?

sudden lee

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I h...

What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What do you call a dinosaur that takes excellent care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

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There's a nerve that runs from your eyes to your anus called the eyenus nerve

If you pluck a hair from your ass you shed a tear.

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

What does 50 Cent call himself in Russia?

50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 rubles

My roommate keeps calling me a "crazy schizophrenic"

Jokes on him, I dont have a roommate

What do you call a woman with no hands and no legs?

Carrie

Why were they called the Dark Ages?

Because there were lots of knights.

What do you call an exploding duck?

A fire quacker.

What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

How do you call a sad coffee?

A depresso

What do you call a crab that walks in a straight line?

Drunk

What do you call an idiot that contradicts himself?

An Oxy-moron!!

What do you call a cow with...

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak
What do you call a cow with no legs lying in a hole? Fil
What do you call a cow with no legs lying next to a hole? Dug
What do you call a cow wit...

The furniture store keeps calling me

I only wanted one nightstand

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

What do you call heavily burnt pasta?

Al Dante.

"Don't call me a Necrophiliac ever again" he said while pulling up his pants.

She didn't reply.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

What do you call a restaurant that predominantly uses garlic as an ingredient that caters to literary nerds?

Allicin Wonderland

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What do you call two boobs that look exactly the same?

Identitties

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

a roamin' catholic

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale

What do you call a laughing jar of mayo?

LMAYO

Based on where it grows, What do you call Red Ferns?

Puppy Trees!!

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What do you call an angry psychiatrist?

Therapissed

What do you call an irish man bounsing off walls?

Rick O Shea

What do you call a deaf man wearing crocs?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you.

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What do you call an illegitimate piece of shit?

A basturd

What do you call a microscopic strawberry?

A strawbarely.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks because she's so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually it's because I'd like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

What do you call a man whos attracted to young computers?

A PDFile

I ordered a book called "How to scam people"

Its been 6 months and I still haven't received it.

What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

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What do you call the study of lovebirds?

Hornithology

What do you call an irritating Hobbit?

Douche Baggins.

What do you call a German electric car?

A Voltswagen

What do you call a town full of pigs?

A hamlet

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice.

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

What do you call the person whom your wife cheated on you with, that looks like you and has the same mannerisms as you?

A dopplebanger.

What do you call a female thief in Australia?

A Steala

What do you call someone that got rich playing pool?

A billiardnaire.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a Hobbit who isn't over their Ex?

Bilbo Baggage.

What do you call a caveman who goes on long, wandering walks?

A Meanderthal.

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

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What do you call a group of guys hiding on a clitoris?

Boys in the Hood.

What do you call a press secretary's ghost?

A spooksperson

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

What do you call the securityguards outside the Samsung store?

The Guardians of the galaxy

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

What do you call a nail that's so heavy that you need a crane to pick it up?

A tow nail

What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?

a Partial artist

What do you call an immaterial fantasy writer?

A non-fongible Tolkien.

what do you call an Irishwoman with one leg?

Eileen

And an Irishwoman with no legs?

Noleen

What do you call it when an Asian country tries to conquer another one?

An invasian.

What do you call a Monty Python-themed nightclub?

The CopaCaerbannog

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

Pretty sure you have heard this one before but here goes nothin: What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

What do you call a bee that is not welcome in the hive?

Hepatitis B

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What do you call a horny geometry class?

Erectangle

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

>!No eye deer. \*shrugs\*!<

What do you call a 2’ Amishman?

A Toy-Yoder

What do you call bread from India?

It's Naan of your business.

I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally".

"What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.

I said, "My legs."

What do you call Donkey Kong's thick sister?

BaDonky Kong.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no ass?

A flatina.

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What do you call a new male sex worker?

Up and cummer

Zelensky calls Putin

Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure

Zelensky: Ukraine

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: You will never get it.

What do you call a battle where the only weapons are truck horns?

A fight to the deaf!!

What do you call six Catholics on a bench

A Theocracy

NSFW - What do you call Russell Wilson getting a golden shower?

A Ciara Mist

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion.

They would call it the crucifact.

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

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What do you call a whale with erectile dysfunction?

Mopey Dick

If you guys have more Moby Dick jokes, let me know in the comments

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People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Miserable fucking Bitch.

What do you call an emo a Capella group?

Self Harmony

What do they call Fortnite in France?

A Battle Royale with Cheese

[NSFW] What do you call a submissive Furry?

A subwoofer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call that little thing that’s between an old woman’s breasts.

The belly button

What do you call a parent-teacher conference where the teacher is invisible?

a transparent teacher conference.

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What do you call the scraps of food that fall from the table?

Floor d’ouevres

What do you call a group of deaf people?

I don’t know. But it is definitely not herd.

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What do you call a bunch of cows masterbating?

Beef Stroganoff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Helen Keller call a hand job?

Oral sex.

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What do you call a redditor who just had sex?

A Predditor

*Please have a seat over there*

What do you call a potato with no feet?

5$ to the first person who guesses!

I told my wife I’m going to start calling her Peter the Apostle.

After she denied me three times.

What do you call a Redditor that doesn’t gain or lose internet points?

Karmatose

What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

>!Band aides!<

what do you call an elderly trans person?

>!translate!<

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What do you call a chick that doesn’t suck dick?

You don’t

what do you call Mark Zuckerberg fighting a crocodile?

Alien VS Predator!

What do you call a big booty chain smoker?

A Jigglypuff

What do you call a gaming party set in Australia?

A LAN down under.

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