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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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A whole crowd is gathered for the highschool orchestra concert. Its quite the ordeal and every seat is filled, but a phone call informs the the principal that the conductor had been in a car accident!

Nothing serious, but both his wrists were sprained and he could not conduct this evening!
A quick staff meeting and one short straw later; the gym coach made his way out to the waiting audience. Megaphone in hand, the gym teacher walks center stage announcing in a slight static over the megaphone...

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.

Come to know more.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

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Russia has been cut off from CNN, CBS, ABC Pornhub, Facebook...

US is working depriving Russians of McDonalds, Coca-Cola and US fastfood. They continue with these sanctions and Russian people will probably be the most healthiest, well adjusted, spiritual and well informed people on the planet.

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President Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hello, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Cork, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," say...

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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The organs of the body are trying to decide who should be in charge, the brain says 'I control all the information to and from the body, I'm the obvious choice' the lungs say 'well you can't do any of that without me, so I should lead' finally the rectum says 'I do waste disposal, I should lead' ...

All the other organs laugh at the rectum, in protest the rectum tightens right up. Soon the lungs and brain feel awful and are struggling to work, as are all the other organs, to appease the rectum they name it in charge.

Moral of the story is, the arsehole is always in charge.

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Doctor: Mr. Stephens,I'm sorry to inform you that you have a rare disease.

Mr. Stephens: How rare?

Doctor: Would you prefer Stephens Disease or Greg Stephen's Disease for the name?

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Pe...

What did the quartmaster say to the bowyer when the bowyer informed him that he was out of wood for his longbows?

That sounds like a yew problem

I'm using vibration and oscillation in specific frequencies to impart information

It might seem far-fetched, but the idea is sound.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

A gangster approaches someone that has information and draws a gun on him.

"Okay, here's how it works," the gangster said. "You have information, and I want that information. So when I ask a question, you answer truthfully, and you may walk out of here alive."

"Ok, shoot" the man at gunpoint said.

A redditor answers the door to find a salesman who's selling encyclopedias

"I don't need those," says the redditor. "I'm very well-informed."

"Oh, that's fortuitous!" replies the salesman, "Just think of how much fun you'll have sifting through them and finding all the errors!"

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

How do French police sweat information out of a suspect?

they put the suspect in a J'accuzzi

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Charles, Angus and Patrick are in a helicopter when the pilot informs them they are losing altitude.

Desperately, they throw out whatever they have on them. Charles throws out his teapot, Angus throws out his bagpipes and Patrick throws out a bomb. The helicopter recovers and they land safely.

When Charles gets home, he finds his father in the garden crying. When he asks him what happened, ...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to th...

When your friend asks you if you want a leaflet filled with information about a holiday resort

Brochure

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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A group of engineering professors were invited to fly a plane

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: "Why did you stay put?"
...

A man walks into a Pub

A man enters a pub and sits down next to a woman. He orders himself a glass of champagne and the woman next to him responds: "How about that, I ordered a glass of champagne too." "What a coincidence," the man replies, "for me it's a special day and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

My mate was giving me some secret information.

He said quietly, "Your wife has been telling people that you have a personality problem."

"What does she mean? I've been with her for sixteen years!"

He said, "Exactly, there must be something wrong with you."

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man replies, "Boobs!"

There are two types of people in this world:

Those who can infer from insufficient information,

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

I’ve developed an app with information about insects, but it keeps getting bad reviews in App Store



People say it has a lot of bugs?

I am your Doctor. Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.

Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right. The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it'

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

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Why does everybody say Big Brother is watching everything you do and will inform on you?

It's Little Brother that does that shit.

Teacher makes a call to her student to inform: "I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off"

The student makes a call to his dad immediately: "I'm off tomorrow lets go to picnic!"

The dad makes a call to his secretary immediately: " I'm busy tomorrow, lets postpone our date to the next day!"

The secretary makes a call to her husband: "Honey, i'm not going out on a business tri...

Putins army is on an assault in Ukrainian.

And a platoon is making their way through a Wooded area when someone heard a twig snap over the hill in front of them.
The commander sends a scout out in front to find out what was in front of them. Some minutes go by and their scout calls out “an Ukrainian man is spotted about 200….. pzzz” and t...

After years of hard work, a poor man and his wife manage to fulfill their dream of immigrating into the United States.

As they arrive, he sadly informs his wife he's heard that people in the U.S. actually eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well.

With a disgusted look on her face the wife sadly agrees, so they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The wif...

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Religion at it's best

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the do...

What do Israelis use to find information?

Internet n’ Yahoo.

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

A vain narcissist had his face disfigured in a horrible accident

A frenemy visited him in the hospital. “I’m sorry to inform you,” he said with glee, “but you’ve simply become the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Maybe the ugliest in the entire world.”

The narcissist started crying, burying his face in his hands.

His frenemy, barely suppressing his satis...

I got a call from the hospital late last night informing me that my wife had been involved in a terrible accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse “How is she? Can I see her?!”. The nurse replied “I’m so sorry, I’m afraid you’re too late.”

“No worries.” I said. “I’ll come back in the morning.”

I saw my son smoking a cigarette.

I said, "What are you doing, lad?"

He said, "I'm smoking, of course. What does it look like?"

"One cigarette takes seven minutes off your life," I informed him.

"Yeah. And what!?" he asked arrogantly.

"Here," I added, "have my packet."

A man calls up the White House and informs them he wants to be the next President of the United States

The person answering the phone berates him: "Are you an idiot?"

The caller is silent for a while then answers: "Is it compulsory?"

Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, I have to inform you we are losing altitude

(pause)

And the reason we are losing altitude is because we are about to land.

(Jesus Christ, funny pilots...)

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

An 80 year old bachelor visits a sperm bank…

He’s decided that he would leave a specimen behind in case anyone would want to use it.

The receptionist gave him a jar, pointed to another room and informed him that there were magazines in the room, in case he needed the extra encouragement.

After a few mins of quiet, the reception...

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

Google didn't fail to inform about Google+ data breach.

They posted it on Google+ but no one saw it.

On the first day...

...God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And Go...

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After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

A year ago today, I was informed via email that 2020 would be the best year ever if I forwarded a prayer to 10 people.

My bad, y’all.

They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?

A uniformed racist!

How to Test Candidates

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements?"

Manager: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyze the situation:

If ...

A guy gets pulled over for speeding

The cop comes up to his car, the guy rolls his window down

The cop says “can I see your license and registration?”

The guy responds, “well the thing is officer, my registration is in my glove box. But also in my glove box is a loaded pistol that I just used to kill a woman who’s body i...

I was recently informed that I am a terrible host.

I appreciated their honesty because otherwise I never would have guest.

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The preacher’s wife goes to the store to get something to cook for dinner.

She walks up to the seafood counter and asks, “What’s the special today?”.

“Dam fish”, says the clerk

“Excuse me, sir, but you know I’m the preacher’s wife and you shouldn’t use those words.”

The clerk, a little embarrassed, says, “No no no. They were caught by the dam so they’r...

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The luck of the Irish.

An apology from Belfast General Hospital......

Dear Mr. Murphy.

We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy of the redness on your penis showed it was not cancerous.

It was lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation....

A patient and his doctor were sitting in the doctor's clinic. Doctor: "I regret to inform you that you have cancer and Alzheimers".

Patient: "Oh well, at least I don't have cancer".

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So these three guys died on Christmas ...

When St. Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates, he informed them that because they died on Christmas, each would have to show that he has something on his person related to Christmas in order to be admitted to the Kingdom of Heaven.

The first guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out a white e...

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A prostitute in Utrecht walked into a doctor's office asking for information about a breast enlargement.

When asked how she'd pay for it, she said she had insurance. The doctor was curious why it would be covered. She replied that it covers ergonomic improvements

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

Paddy's deaf wife

Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that Paddy could perform to give the do...

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A nurse notices that a doctor is walking around with a rectal thermometer behind his ear. Embarrassed, she pulls him aside to discreetly inform him...

"Doctor," says the nurse, "you've got a rectal thermometer behind your ear."

The doctor pulls the thermometer from behind his ear and looks at it incredulously. "Nurse, do you know what this means? Some asshole's got my pencil!"

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

In a small town, people sinned a lot.

The priest, an elderly man, was getting tired of constantly hearing the nasty term “adultery”, day after day in confessions.
So he created a code word for it. Whenever someone loses their mind, they must tell the priest in the confession: “Father, I fell.” As such, when someone confessed to have ...

The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season.

The distraught manager protests "Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?"

A Frenchman is trying to get information out of an American via electric shocks.

The American says "Please, mercy!"

The Frenchman responds with "Ok", and turns up the voltage.

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A guy gets on a Greyhound bus and finds a seat next to an attractive lady.

They say hello and chat a bit, then the lady decides to read for a few hours.
When she finally sets her book down, the man notices the book is titled "True, Unusual, and Medical Facts About Sex".
He says, "That must be quite an interesting book."
"Yes," she says, " it's got some amazing inf...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

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A man informs his wife 'Tomorrow morning at 5am you me and the dog are going fishing...'

'Fuck that,' she says, 'you know tomorrow is my day to sleep in. There's no way I'll be on your leaky boat tomorrow!'
The husband, accepting this, insists: 'Well then you will have to compensate me then. Oral or anal right now.'
The wife, happy to acquiesce, gets down onto her knees saying 'Or...

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

BREWER: We’re sorry to inform you Mrs. O’reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory

WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death

BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee

A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.

He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

3 idiots walk into a bar....

They all order a round of drinks and inform the bartender that they are celebrating.
The three idiots lift their glasses into the air and together they shout "53" and skull their drinks.
They continue to order drinks throughout the night and evey time they toast and yell "53"
Finally curios...

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So, a frog walks into a bank...

A well dressed frog with a briefcase and dark shades walks into a bank and sits down at a desk. The clerk is a bit shocked to see a frog in a suit and tie but, being professional, asks the frog how me can help him.


"Umm, hello sir, My name is Patty, how can I help you today?"
"I ne...

Three soldiers (an Italian, an American, and a Brit) are all captured by ISIS

The ISIS torturer sneers at each of the prisoners and lets them know that he will be extracting all the information he can from each of them.



The Brit speaks up first. With a stiff upper lip and a staid, British countenance, he looks the torturer directly in the eyes and dares him, "...

My Mother informed me today that she now identifies as my father.

I thanked her for being transparent.

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I have sex daily!

Never mind… my doctor just corrected me and informed me I have dyslexia

Sandra received a worrying diagnosis from her doctor.

She was healthy enough. She exercised daily, she ate well, all that jazz. But during her annual checkup, her doctor sat her down and says, "I've found a small tumor on your neck."

She was absolutely horrified. "Are you saying I have cancer?"

The doctor shook his head. "No, no, that's n...

I'm not a baker. (Couples Joke)

A housewife approached her husband with an issue with the door;
"Darling can you check the shower?"
He replies, "I'm not a plumber."
She asks him about the cupboard door which has been broken and needs replacement, "Darling can you check the cupboard door? It may need to be replaced."
"...

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

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A mailman is making his route. On his last day before retirement, he gets to one of the last houses when the lady of the house answers the door in a slinky negligee and says, "Today is your last day, isn’t it? Come with me; I have a surprise for you."

She takes him by the hand and leads him into the house where he finds a complete breakfast feast laid out for him—eggs, pancakes, bacon, the works. The mailman stuffs himself, pushes back from the table, and says, "Thank you ma’am, this was wonderful, but I really should finish my route."

She...

Upon hearing that my donor is in Eugene, I proceeded to inform my wife that, "My heart is in Oregon."

She replied, "I know what a heart is!"

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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A teenage girl informs her parents that she hasn't menstruated in two months

Her parents are shocked and furious. Her mother is crying, her father swears to kill the pig who did this to her. He bids her daughter to call that sonuvabitch at once. So the girl calls her boyfriend, they talk for a few minutes, then she hangs up.

After half an hour, an amazing Porsche stop...

Hey man will you hand me that tri-fold informational packet?

Bro sure

Appreciating Art

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she i...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St Peter himself.

St Peter says, "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyon...

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I informed all parents that the students will have to remain celebate until they graduate from school

Mr. Dickinson was not happy

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