English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned today that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands. Same thing with the Virgin Islands...

...no canaries there either.

Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

NASA just announced that there are no cats in Mars

Curiosity killed them

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

“There are no accidents...”

Master Oogway uttered, before he took one look at me and said

*”There are...some accidents”*

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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There are no more virgins in America,

Since everyone has gotten fucked over by our government.

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no woman to hear him,

Is he still wrong?

There are no words in the dictionary that start with “O” and end with “e”

Actually, I can think of one

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

**me:** *[raising hand]* if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it?

**professor:** okay there is one stupid question.

People say there are no advantages to being ugly

But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

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As of this year, there are no virgins left on this planet

2020 has fucked us all.

Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria?

...only Targets

Do you why there are no Walmats in Iraq?

Because there’s a target on every corner.

A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’

The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

Ever wonder why there are no pharmacies in Africa?

becuase you can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

My dad told me there are no monstrous figures who are good at math...

Unless you Count Dracula.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

A friend told me that there are no stupid questions.

I told him to AskReddit

Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

Do you know why there are no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchline is too long.

In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

There are no ancestors in Alabama

Only insestors

I certainly hope there are no taxes in the afterlife

Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay.

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and there are no women around to hear him...

...Is he still wrong?

If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...

does is lay on the ground, or lie?

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They’re all Targets.

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

How come there are no Olympics in Mexico?

Because all of the Mexicans that can run jump and swim are already in America.

A German once asked Robin Williams why there are no funny German comedians

“Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...

Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...

There are no black ninjas..

Only Incognegroes.

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went ...

3 blondes were standing around some tracks.

The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"

The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".

The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance b...

"Stewardess!"

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

Ever since my covid vaccine I've been feeling tired and unable to get out of bed

Glad to see there are no side-effects.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

A crazy guy comes to the doctor and he claps all the time, and when he stops, he starts again.

\- why are you clapping like a madman?

\- I scare the lions away

\- but there are no lions here

\- well, just because it works!

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

A hunter was asked what he did for a living, and he responds that he "hunts tigers in Africa."

When it's pointed out that there are no tigers in Africa, he replies "that's because I do my job".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

I apologized to my friend for making fun of his erectile dysfunction problem.

I said, “I hope there are no hard feelings.”

A man wants to go ice fishing.

He goes onto the ice, drills a hole, and puts out his line.
Suddenly he hears a loud voice from above, saying ‘THERE ARE NO FISH THERE.’
He gets up, a little confused, and moves to another spot on the ice, drilling another hole and throwing his line out again.
Once again, he hears: ‘THER...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

Today I learned why Alzheimer's patients love r/jokes

Because there are no reposts


Ps I'm so sorry.

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

A joke in Malay

I noticed that there are no jokes here in the Malay language. So, here goes.

PECAT
 
Majikan : Kamu di pecat!

Pekerja : Tapi saya tidak melakukan apa-apa!!

Majikan : Itu lah sebabnya mengapa kamu di pecat…

An Irish priest has a rat problem...

He tries everything to get rid of them. Traps, poison, setting cats loose in his church. Nothing works, and they are starting to deter some of his regular attendees because they see the rats during communion.


One day a Bishop is visiting and the priest tells him his woes.


"Hav...

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