UPJOKE

There Are No Jokes

Did you know there are no Walmarts in Syria?

...only Targets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know, there are no canaries in the Canary Islands?

It's the same with the Virgin Islands. There are no canaries there, either.

There are no divorce courts at the North Pole,

so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon.

They're great for separating independent Clauses.

Boss: There are no such things as problems. Only opportunities.

Me: Ok. I have a huge drinking opportunity.

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

My grandad always said "there are no small parts..."

Lovely man, terrible horologist.

There are no queues in space

Everything's waitless

In soviet russia, there are no mines.

There are just ours.

Why there are no cats on Mars?

Because Curiosity killed the cat.

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

There are no skeletons in my closet.

The bodies haven't decomposed yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are no boobs at the moon

That’s why we stopped going there.

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country

I think they are in de Nile

At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.

“There are no accidents...”

Master Oogway uttered, before he took one look at me and said

*”There are...some accidents”*

An arrogant zebra insists there are no lions in the area.

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and haven’t arrive...

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

Why is it that there are no subtitles for the last 15 minutes of "Titanic"?

A good caption always goes down with the ship.

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There are no more virgins in America,

Since everyone has gotten fucked over by our government.

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

People say there are no advantages to being ugly

But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

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(NSFW) Bob Gets Assigned to the Artic Circle and to His Dismay He Notices There are No Women?

Bob gets assigned to the Artic Circle and to his dismay he notices there are no women?

Bob approaches a random coworker named Steve and says, "I notice there are no women around here?"

Steve: You've got good eye, sadly, no, there are no women.

Bob looks around and says, "Well...

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

In adultery there are no winners

But taking part is more important than winning

There are no ancestors in Alabama

Only insestors

Ever wonder why there are no pharmacies in Africa?

becuase you can't take a pill on an empty stomach.

A friend told me that there are no stupid questions.

I told him to AskReddit

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

How come there are no Walmart’s in Iraq?

Because there’s a Target at every corner!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As of this year, there are no virgins left on this planet

2020 has fucked us all.

My dad told me there are no monstrous figures who are good at math...

Unless you Count Dracula.

Do you know why there are no jokes about the Jonestown Massacre?

The punchline is too long.

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

A man wants to park his car. But there are no spots.

So he gets out of his car and goes down to his knees and he prays: ‘o lord, if you find me a spot I will go to church every Sunday and I will never drink beer again.’

The moment he gets up he sees a spot and screams: ‘nevermind I already found one.’

I certainly hope there are no taxes in the afterlife

Otherwise, there'll be hell to pay.

Guys I know why there are no paper jokes on this sub

It's because they're tearable

There are no black ninjas..

Only Incognegroes.

If a tree falls in the woods, and there are no English majors around to hear it...

does is lay on the ground, or lie?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

I really hope there are no Golden Globe winners

working in the Flat Earth Society.

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get urine stains out of a couch?

New research shows there are no Ginger Bankers...

Survey results suggested that although many wanted to work in finance, they wern't able to sell their soul to Satan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

there are no stupid questions.

but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.

Me: There are no jokes to be made about sword fighting

Mate: What about when someone makes a good point against you?

Me: Touche

Do you know why there are no Wal-Marts in Iraq?

They’re all Targets.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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