When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Here's a joke about China

[redacted]

*gestures at horses* here are the stables

\*gestures at other, flickering, vibrating horses. one horse explodes* and here are the unstables

I'd post a chemistry pun on here....

But I'm scared I'll get a volatile reaction.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss: Know why I called you in here?

Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic?

Boss: (Stops pouring two glasses of wine) Accidentally?

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

I have seen a lot of fat jokes here recently, and we should be nicer to them.

They have enough on their plates as it is

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

Here's one from my 8 yr old neice

What's invisible and smells like a carrot?

Rabbit farts!

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Two bacteria walk into a grungy bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here!"

And the bacteria says, "But we work here. We're staph."

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Here’s a dad joke for you all

One day, a magician was driving down the road.

Then poof, he turned into the driveway

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's to incels...

for fucking nothing.

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

Whenever I was a kid, my mom would make me eat my food by saying “here comes the choo-choo train!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Someone here is possessed by an Owl...

Who though?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couples therapist: So tell me, what brings you here today?

Wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

Hey Frend, did you here the joke about the ocean?

Nevermind, its too *deep* for you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the highway for speeding...

John: "Is there a problem officer?"

Cop: "You exceeded 80 in 55 zone. May I see your license?"

John: "ahhhh, why don't I spare you the trouble, officer? I don't have a license, so I shouldn't be driving this car that I jacked from this dude I just killed. The gun I used is right here i...

I have a 444 day streak on Duolingo. Here’s what I learned:

French.

He is here

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW:A nurse was making her rounds at the insane asylum...

Her first stop a man had his dick in his hands and was swinging it like a baseball bat."Just what are you doing?"she asks.

"I'm Babe Ruth,the world's most famous baseball player."

She continues to the next room where she sees the patient holding his dick like a golf club.And just what ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do prostitutes say when they can’t here you?

Come again.

*raises drink* Here's to blind hookers!

You really gotta hand it to em

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

In spite of all our political and religious disagreements here on Reddit, I’m happy about one thing.

Most people reading this are on the same page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok here is a very dark joke. NSFW

Hitler and Mussolini were a lot like hydrogen and oxygen.

One did the burning while the other supported it.

An army ranger looks to a marine and asks if he wants to here a joke about how dumb Marines are

The marine replies "the guy sitting next to me is a marine and so is the guy sitting next him, are you sure you want to tell that joke"

The ranger thinks then says "nah I don't want to explain it three times"

Here’s a joke my 3 year old loves to tell

Why did the lizard cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Here is a bit of advice for all of you.

advi

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *stares at medusa's breasts.* Medusa: "My eyes are up here."

Me after looking: *gets rock hard*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mickey, it says here that you killed Minnie because she was 'really silly'?"

"No", replies Mickey, "I said she was fucking Goofy."

Here is a long joke about time travel

Edit: Removed since you guys didn't like it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Here's a joke about cognitive dissonance

Nevermind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

No returns here

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to c...

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

Likely only Malaysians will get it but since I always forget jokes that pop in my mind, I've decided to just post it here

A very frustrated Malaysian wife looks at her indecisive Spanish husband and says, "Jose, if you don't decide on a name right now, for our still unnamed 2 year old son, I'm giving him up for adoption!"

With a smirk on his face, Jose yells back, "Fine honey, you decide then, Juan or Don Juan ....

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

I was going to make a joke about my spine, but I think it was a repost. Did anyone see it here earlier?

It was about a weak back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

Here’s a picture of me with REM

That’s me in the corner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

A priest is sent to Alaska. After a few years the bishop goes to visit him. “How are you doing up here?” the bishop asks. “It’s really cold,”

The priest answers. “If it weren’t for my Rosary and my two martinis every evening, I wouldn’t make it. By the way, would you like a martini?”

“Sure,” the bishop says.

The priest says, “Rosary, bring the bishop a martini.”

Me seeing a hot girl half my age in the gym: "If I had a dollar for every time someone asked you out in here..."

Her: "I'd go out with you"

"Wish you were here!"

My ex always sends me this SMS when he enters a cemetery.

Him : Do you wanna get out of here?

Her : Sure


Him : Good , cause I was saving that seat for my friend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.   

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.   

After careful consideration by a team of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OB...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

“It sure is hot down here”

-Jeffrey Epstein 5 minutes ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
&nbsp;

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
&nbsp;

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

click here if you want to join the peepee club

urine

Did y'all here about the Colombian Hank Hill?

He sells cocaine and cocaine accessories.

Hey Doc, the invisible Man is here for a consultation.

Tell him I can't see him right now.

Abortion bill

Trump is sitting in the oval office when mike pence walks in. Pence says, here's the abortion bill you just need to sign it Mr. President

Trump replies "I thought Michael cohen paid for that"

Saw another post on here about their recently passed away grandpa so here’s mine

Two men are fishing one day and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the dock and drain the snake. In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genetalia, “hey it’s pretty cold in the water”. The other man replies without missing a beat, “Yeah, it’s p...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi goes to a bar....

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The only ones who truly know where the edge is have already gone over."

"What the fuck have you done this is a nursing home for the blind goddammit Karen!!"







\*Pardon my french ladies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

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