My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

Why was E the only letter to recieve presents from Santa?

Because all the other ones were not E.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar

It was tense

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

Why doesn’t Devin Hester get birthday presents anymore?

He always returns everything

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

I bought my wife a refrigerator for our anniversary. It's not the best present, but

I can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.

There wont be present tenses in 2020

It's all past 10s

As it was past Thanos fighting very hard with present Avengers, he was literally fighting for his future.

The battle was actually pretty..... In tense.







A polo G if repost.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

I can always tell what’s in a Christmas present before I even open it.

It’s a gift

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Dad: "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out!"

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My therapist says I need to live more in the present.

But that was last week.

Oh well. Maybe next week will be better.

A wife asks for a present that would make her go from 0 to 100 in 3 seconds.

The husband got her a bathroom scale.

I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present...

Real Maryland Crabs

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks I’ll never part with it!

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

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A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

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Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

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A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

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Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

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Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids’ present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

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I got my wife a birthday present.

So I told my wife I got her something long, hard and takes two hands to handle.

She says, “Oh wow!”

I hand her a new broom.

I am now recovering in the hospital after having a broom handle removed from my rectum.

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

My wife and I were discussing Christmas presents

I asked what she wanted and she said "if you love me, you'll get me this vintage Barbie playset I had when I was a kid; it's only $500 on eBay."

I told her no, that I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children.

"You mean expectations about ideal female physical attri...

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!




I’m sorry I need help.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

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Friend told me this joke today.. a rich man and a poor man are discussing presents for their wives..

“What are you going to get your wife?” Asks the poor man.

“Easy”, he says, “I’ll get her a diamond ring and a Ferrari”.

“Why both?”

“Well if she doesn’t like the ring we can drive to the store to exchange it, driving in the Ferrari so it’s a win win” says the rich man.
...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

I present to you the first bad joke of 2019.

How does a physicist define a woman?

A hormonic oscillator.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

Present for my dad

I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.

I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago.

How long should you wait to regift a Christmas present?

Last Christmas, this girl gave me her heart, and the very next day I gave it away. I haven’t heard the end of it since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you.

The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *"You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins."*

*"Isn't that odd,"* chirps in Sean McNamara, *"My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and th...

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

You know what boy without hands got for a birthday?

Gloves.....nah just kidding, he didnt even unwrap the present yet.

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Christmas Presents

Timmy’s father is a badminton hobbyist, he wants to get Timmy interested in badminton as well so they can play together. Therefore, he gave Timmy a badminton racket and a few shuttlecocks as Timmy’s Christmas presents.

After the holiday, Timmy and his friends gathered and talked about their p...

My wife and daughter both got me presents for my birthday and asked me which one I liked more

It was a tie again

What is the worst present for a person with Alzheimer?

A boomerang.

Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog

Much love
Dad

What do Judah and the Lion do when they get Christmas presents they don't like?

They take it all back, take it all back.

Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

My son disliked the present he received from 50 Cent.

It was cheap and badly rapped.

The presents I'm giving my wife look terrible

I guess that's because white guys can't wrap...

I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents....

By posting about my political views on Facebook.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a citizen of Whoville uses a turd as a present?

Who gives a shit?

What do you get a slav for a birthday present?

A squat rack

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Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

What's the best present in the world?

A broken drum, you can't beat it!

Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although Hillary was vague about the details o...

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.

The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.

And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhon...

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