Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

The Past, The Present, and The Future walk into a bar

It was tense.

If you want an unbeatable christmas present for your friend,

get them a broken drum.

Why can Santa Claus still deliver presents this year?

He has Santabodies

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A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

Why doesn't Santa deliver presents to Captain Nemo?

Because he's on the Nautilus

Why did the Powerpoint Presentation cross the road?

To get to the other SLIDE.

People said opening my present would be challenging

Turns out it was a piece of cake

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

My girlfriend and I are huge movie quoters. When we give each other presents, we say, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?! WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!"

Apparently when she asks, "How do I look?"
"That'll do, Pig. That'll do," isn't the right movie quote...

The present day is not like the 1960's

Nobody can drink from any water fountains.

Biden should do the virtual debate without Trump present. He can say the same stuff he's been saying for years and trump can say what he's been saying for the last 4.

Nothing

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She giv...

Time, of course, doesn't exist. There's no past, no present, no future. Just one constant pulsating moment.

And that point, the guy said to me, "Just give me a rough idea of the time, mate."

Please do not edit, repost or print my PowerPoint presentation.

And to those of you who, despite my friendly warning, I hope you don't \*excel\*.

Why do trees never get Christmas presents?

Cause they’re so knotty.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

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Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

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A boy turns 14 and asks his dad if he could have a car as his present.

Dad asks "Can your d reach yor a* hole?" The boy stretches as much as possible, but doesn't make it.
"No, dad, it doesn't" he replies. Dad says " Well, you're not grown up enough for a car. Let's see again next year." The boy turns 15 and asks his dad for the same present. Dad asks "Can your d ...

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

If Yeet is the "present tense", and Yote is the "past tense",

Then the "future tense" sould be Yet, as it's "yet" to happen.

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

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Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

Do you know what the guy with no hands got for his birthday present?

No?

Yeah, no one else does either, he hasn't succeeded in ripping the paper off of them yet.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied, "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more ...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

I accidentally called a presentation a "slide deck"

Now everyone on the Zoom meeting knows I'm actually 40

A poor and a rich husband meet every year to buy presents for their wives

"So.. what did you get?", the poor man asked?

"Well..."said the rich man. "I bought her a car and a necklace."

"Why both?", asked the poor man.

"Well..if she doesn't like the necklace, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. And what did you get for your wife?", ...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Timmy was asked to do presentation about corruption in a country.

He wrote on the whiteboard:
-A country is like a family
-Government is the mother who manage the family.
-Capitalist is like the father who earns money for family.
-The maid is the working class.
-I am the citizen while my baby brother is the future of family.

Intrigued, the te...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

The past, the present and the future got into a fight.

It was pretty intense.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

My friend gave a presentation trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.

This is a presentation of top 10 women I have slept with before

That’s the end of my presentation

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

for any women thinking about father's day presents: most men appreciate things done by hand

or mouth

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy...

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy that sold his soul to Satan?

He is now forced to make presents in the North Pole for all eternity.

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

What’s the best birthday present in the world?

A broken drum! You just can’t beat it!

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant

It’s Christmas morning for the alphabet family...

And all the little letters run to the Christmas tree to see what Santa brought. But they quickly realize that no one got any presents, except little “e”. I guess Santa doesn’t bring presents to letters who are “not e”.

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Why is nostalgia like grammar?

We find the present tense and the past perfect

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"

The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

An old lady in her deathbed calls her husband for something important

"George, I want you to go in the attic and open the third drawer of the black polished furniture.
I want you to bring me what you find there."

The husband goes upstairs in the attic and finds the furniture near the entrance, he opens the third drawer and finds an egg box with 3 eggs in it,...

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

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A joke a work colleague told me the other day

A man is waiting for a bus on a rainy day and decides to seek some shelter. He noticed an open doorway next to the bus stop and decides to go in.

When he gets in he sees three doors with signs next to them, they read: brunette, redhead and blonde. The man likes redheads so he enters that door...

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My favourite Old Dirty / Clean Joke

A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart, and after careful consideration, he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrappi...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in wrapping paper?

So he could live in the present.

If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,

just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

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What do you call the degree of heat present in a typical japanese dish usually consisting of seafood, meat and vegetables that have been battered and deep fried?

Tempurature.

The queen goes to a military camp

The men show her around and present her a bunch of sniper rifles. She looks through them and says.

This is all nice but I think a simple car crash will do.

Why is it so hard to shop for Darth Vader for Christmas?

Because he can feel your presents.

Don't let this election distract you...

From the fact that Slytherin blew a 472 to 312 point lead to Gryffindor for the House Cup during the trophy presentation ceremony at Hogwarts back in 1992.

I had just began to present my client's case in Court the other day when without warning the Judge slammed down his gaval, yelled "Guilty! ", and left the room.

Clearly he struggles with premature adjudication.

Doctor: "Do you prefer that the baby's father be present st your birth?"

Patient: "I prefer not. He doesn't get along well with my husband."

It's my wife's birthday so I've bought her the current must have present, took ages to find and even then had to fight to get it.

A 9 pack of toilet roll.

I'm the Lord of Presents, my name is:

Sir Prize!!

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

A military function is being held where all officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

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Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

Why was E the only letter to recieve presents from Santa?

Because all the other ones were not E.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents

I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

The Turkey Pardon

Scenario: This year's turkey pardoning.

The stage is set, the lights are warm, and the fingers are poised to hit the shutter. Trump emerges and stands ready, with a sparkle in his eye.

The turkey is presented. It's a plump beast with odd colorings. The usual brown plumage is a bit ta...

Last election, I voted for the party with the red colour

I don’t know why, but the blue party was just one of the most unappealing, disgusting political parties I had ever seen, with the weakest leader ever. The policies they presented were going to basically ruin everything I had.



I voted for Justin Trudeau.

Did you hear about the orphans that got their Christmas presents stolen?

I heard it was the second worst thing that ever happened to them.

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I got my girlfriend the best present!

I got her a Rolex, she loves it so much she keeps looking at it when we have sex.

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A guy finally gathers up his courage and asks his crush out.

She says yes, and he invites her to an amusement park. They ride the carousel, the roller coaster and the ferris wheel. Then he asks her "What do you wanna do next?" She tells him "I wanna be weighed!"

As a matter of fact, there's a weight guesser present at the park,and they go to his stand....

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

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A boy was assigned homework by his school teacher.

He needed to go home and come up with words or phrases he uses in just about everyday life to present to the class. He then decides to ask his family members for help and goes to his father first.

“Hey dad, I need some help with my homework.”

While his dad is busy watching the football...

My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.

Now they are crying up there and saying it's too cold and dark.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she sa...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

Guys, I need a favor.

I want you to recommend me a present with a cost of 200 bucks to give to my girlfriend.


I also want you to find me a girlfriend to give her the present.


Last thing..

I need 200 bucks.

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I still keep in touch with my ex We give each other presents on the day we broke up. Last year she gave me a pile of shit. This year I'm giving her a car

She'll never know what hit her

Why don't people with dyslexia like Christmas?

They don't like getting presents from Satan.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.

Why did the big frozen N get a Christmas present?

Because it was N ice.

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

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I haven't prepared for my presentation tomorrow on "how to properly remove a wedgie"...

I'm just going to pull it out of my arse.

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

So you want me to buy the presents, put them together, wrap them up and tell the kids it was you who got the presents for them?

**SANTA:** I mean, when you say it like that it sounds bad.

It’s almost that time of year when the fat beardy person comes round to give all the kids their Christmas presents....

Man I hate it when the mother-in-law is in town.

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Guys: If you are still stuck on a late Christmas present for the Wife. Get her a refrigerator.

Her little face will light up when she opens it.

Failing that, get her some slippers and a dildo.

If she don't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

A young boy asks his father for a present

Son: Can I have the new iPhone 11?

Dad: Hmm, why don’t you ever go to mom for stuff like this?! Fine, as long as you say the magic word.

Son: Svetlana.

Dad: .....would you like a case with that?

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