I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad: "Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!"

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out!"

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

I ran into your mom in Baltimore and she gave me a present...

Real Maryland Crabs

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid is looking for his Christmas presents

He stumbles upon them in his parents closet and begins looking through them. As soon as he begins searching he hears the front door open. He panics and hides in the closet. Then his mom and a man(not his father) come into the bedroom and begin to get freaky. Then the front door opens again and it’s ...

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks I’ll never part with it!

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Not to brag, but I have this psychic ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cat's presents

A few days ago a bird flew into my window-
Yesterday my cat dropped the same dead bird at my feet.

I knew that bastard was lazy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Birhtday Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

What happened to the burnout who snooped and found his presents the week before Christmas?

He peeked early

Mommy, why do I get Christmas presents in August?

Mom: They are cheaper than chemotherapy.

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.

Why are police present at a circumcision?

To keep the piece.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids’ present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got my wife a birthday present.

So I told my wife I got her something long, hard and takes two hands to handle.

She says, “Oh wow!”

I hand her a new broom.

I am now recovering in the hospital after having a broom handle removed from my rectum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Got my wife’s Christmas presents, perfume and a dildo...

If she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself!

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are engaged in a light saber battle...

...when suddenly Darth grabs Luke by the tunic and pulls him close. "Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas", he says to the young Jedi.

"How? How could you possibly know what I am getting for Christmas?" Luke says skeptically.

Vader replies: "Because, I felt your presents."

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

Just found an unopened Christmas present from last year.

Imagine giving someone a dog skeleton!

My wife and I were discussing Christmas presents

I asked what she wanted and she said "if you love me, you'll get me this vintage Barbie playset I had when I was a kid; it's only $500 on eBay."

I told her no, that I didn't want to set unrealistic expectations for our children.

"You mean expectations about ideal female physical attri...

Why do only good kids get Christmas presents?

Because Santa comes with a Clause

So I’m driving and I see a goat with his head stuck in a fence and I think to myself “well when an opportunity presents itself...”

So I pull over and I’m with my friend and I get behind the goat and start giving it to him and I look at my friend and ask if he wants to get in on this.

He says “hell yeah!”

Then sticks his head into the fence.


My dad said this joke and thought it was hilarious had to sh...

They caught me throwing presents into the San Andreas.

But I’ve always been generous to a fault.

I just went up into the loft to fetch the last of the Christmas presents down and realised I’d left a present I bought for my wife up there from last year, totally forgot about it...

It’s a real shame, she’d have loved that puppy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Found a present for my daughter in the basement,

I’ll take it down to her later though.

What did Santa say when he delivered presents at the Kardashians?

Ho ho ho!




I’m sorry I need help.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friend told me this joke today.. a rich man and a poor man are discussing presents for their wives..

“What are you going to get your wife?” Asks the poor man.

“Easy”, he says, “I’ll get her a diamond ring and a Ferrari”.

“Why both?”

“Well if she doesn’t like the ring we can drive to the store to exchange it, driving in the Ferrari so it’s a win win” says the rich man.
...

I present to you the first bad joke of 2019.

How does a physicist define a woman?

A hormonic oscillator.

When separating, what did present tense say to future tense?

See you later.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

"I bet that you can wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed,” I said to my wife.

"I probably could,” she laughed.

"Great I’ll just go and get yours”, I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Christmas Presents

Timmy’s father is a badminton hobbyist, he wants to get Timmy interested in badminton as well so they can play together. Therefore, he gave Timmy a badminton racket and a few shuttlecocks as Timmy’s Christmas presents.

After the holiday, Timmy and his friends gathered and talked about their p...

Present for my dad

I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.

I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago.

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.

I got an email today from a housewife: Lovely lady, 35, bored and looking for excitement, So I gave her a present...

Job Applications.

How long should you wait to regift a Christmas present?

Last Christmas, this girl gave me her heart, and the very next day I gave it away. I haven’t heard the end of it since.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog

Much love
Dad

Who brings presents to lobsters?

Santa Claws

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heard this joke from a co-worker (who had recently moved from Kinsale, Ireland), and I present it to you.

The Boys are sitting around outside Dan Murphy's pub, having a few jars, when Will perks up with *"You know boys, my wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and the next day she gave birth to twins."*

*"Isn't that odd,"* chirps in Sean McNamara, *"My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and th...

Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

What do Judah and the Lion do when they get Christmas presents they don't like?

They take it all back, take it all back.

The presents I'm giving my wife look terrible

I guess that's because white guys can't wrap...

What do you get a slav for a birthday present?

A squat rack

My wife and daughter both got me presents for my birthday and asked me which one I liked more

It was a tie again

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

What is the worst present for a person with Alzheimer?

A boomerang.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How did the wisemen buy Jesus' presents?

Incense

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

My son disliked the present he received from 50 Cent.

It was cheap and badly rapped.

I just saved a bunch of money on Christmas presents....

By posting about my political views on Facebook.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife needs a birthday present for her husband and only the pet store is open...

She went into the pet store, and said she wanted something for her husband.
Store clerk says "get him this frog", and shows her a pretty average looking frog
-how much is it?
-$300
- pretty steep for a common frog, isn't it?
-oh, this is not a common frog... see, it gives blo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

What's the best present in the world?

A broken drum, you can't beat it!

Indiana Jones: "I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments."

Rick from Pawn Stars: "Best I can do is 25 bucks."

I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier

He bought something for my mum.

Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents

The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.

The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.

And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhon...

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

My friend is really good at wrapping presents

…you could say he’s gifted

Why didn't Santa ever bring Captain Nemo any presents?

Because Nemo was always on the Nautilus (Naughty List). My 8 year old came up with that one.

Past, Future and Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

I gave a cheese grater to a blind man for a present

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although Hillary was vague about the details o...

What does a slavemaster use to buy his slaves presents?

Mastercard.

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...

A quadruple amputee is opening his present on christmas.

He crawls over to the tree and tears in to the wrapping with his teeth. The paper flies everywhere as the present is revealed.

"Not another hat..."

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