UPJOKE
introducerepresentacquaintsubmitgiftgivedeliverconfrontnownowadaysshowfacetodayimmediateexisting

Present Jokes

Birthday present for my Wife.

I have bought my wife a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her little face light up when she opens it.
upvote downvote report

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
upvote downvote report

My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business.

He made some excellent points.
upvote downvote report

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...
upvote downvote report

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.
upvote downvote report

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
upvote downvote report

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...
upvote downvote report

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife doesn't know this, but I put a dollar in an envelope every time we have sex. This is all I'm spending for her Christmas present.

So far she's getting a McChicken.

In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...
upvote downvote report

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.
upvote downvote report

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."
upvote downvote report

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...
upvote downvote report

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
upvote downvote report

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US, England and Ireland are presented with a question. Why is the head of the penis larger than the shaft?

The US funds a study for 6 months at $20 million, and concludes it is to give the man more pleasure during sex.

The British, not to be outdone by the Yankees, spend 3 months and half the money, and concludes it's to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The Irish, not to be outdone ...

Harry asks his wife Theodora, "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"

Theodora looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.

Harry looks down wringing his hands, embarrassed: "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day! I present you with one of my favorite jokes. Sadly, it's not about cake

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

Layer at the police station: "I won't say anything without my lawyer present. "

Police officer: "YOU ARE THE LAWYER!"

Lawyer: "Yes, I know, so where's my present?"
upvote downvote report

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar.

Past says: I’ve ordered a beer.

Present says: I’m ordering a beer.

Future says: I’ll order a beer.

As they sip their beers, a girl enters the bar.

Past says: I’ve fucked her.

Present says: I’m fucking her.

Future says: I’ll fuck her.

Past says: I had ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.
upvote downvote report

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
upvote downvote report

Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?

To get to the other slide.
upvote downvote report

Best birthday present ever?

An old lady with 3 very successful children was celebrating her 100th birthday, and all the kids got her incredible gifts.

The first child got her a $200,000 limousine with a driver so she can go around town.

The second child got her a $1,000,000 yacht so she can spend her days on the ...
upvote downvote report

What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.
upvote downvote report

I gave my amputee friend his birthday present

It's a pair of gloves!

I'm still waiting for him to Open it up...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

What present can you give to the woman who has everything?

Antibiotics.
upvote downvote report

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift
upvote downvote report

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...
upvote downvote report

How does a walrus present other options?

Or, or, or!
upvote downvote report

If you're struggling to buy someone a Christmas present..

Buy them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Christmas presents are like sex

It's always more fun to get them from other people than to give yourself one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presents

A rich man bought his wife a Lamborghini and a dildo, one man asks "What did you get your wife for Christmas?" He replies "A Lamborghini and a dildo."

He said " Why the dildo?" The rich man replies "If she doesn't Like the car, she can go fuck herself."

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)
upvote downvote report

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get their wives birthday presents.

The first man, a lawyer, tells the other men “I got my wife a trip to the Bahamas and a pearl necklace. She loves pearls, so if she doesn’t enjoy the trip, I know she’ll like the necklace.”

The second man, a doctor, says “I got my wife a brand new 2017 BMW and a Louis Vuitton handbag she’s ha...

A friend of mine knows I'm a baker and asked for a cake as a wedding present

I told him I can't do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough...
upvote downvote report

I just received my Christmas present.

Apparently Santa had to make a bunch of stops due to an enlarged prostate. He had to tinkle all the way.
upvote downvote report

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


She asked me: Why,?

I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
upvote downvote report

How many children's TV presenters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change the lightbulb and another to show one they changed earlier.
upvote downvote report

Originally delivered by Miss Piggy, I present the SHORTEST JOKE EVER:

"Pretentious? ...*MOI ? "*
upvote downvote report

Keeping with the spirit of all the international jokes, I present one of my favorite Ukrainian ones.

A Ukrainian man and a Russian man are out fishing when suddenly the Russian reels in a golden fish.
The fish looks at the men and says "Congratulations! You have caught me and know I shall grant you both three wishes."
The fish turns to the Russian man and says "Since you are the one who r...
upvote downvote report

Twins Timmy and Tommy wake up Christmas morning and discover they each have three presents.

Timmy opens his first present, its a brand new PS4 with games.

Tommy opens his first present, and its an old, worn out sweater.

Timmy opens his second present, and its a brand new Flat Screen TV.

Tommy opens his second present and its an old, broken down tube TV.

Timm...
upvote downvote report

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.
upvote downvote report

My friend successfully guessed the first present I'd got him for his Cuban themed party, but not the second present.

Clothes but no cigar.
upvote downvote report

No present for your mother in law

At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother in law and she asks, "where's mine?"

He says, "I didn't get you anything this year."

Visibly upset, she asks why.

He says, "you never used what I got you last year."

She yells, " it was a burial plot!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

I was getting the Xmas decorations down from the attic when i found a present i forgot to give last year.....

Shame, as the kids would have loved that puppy.
upvote downvote report

how do politicians wrap presents?

With lots of red tape
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

I just bought some presents for my epileptic girlfriend's birthday

Just a few small gifts, nothing too flashy.
upvote downvote report

I got my girlfriend love voucher's as the present...

I didn't realize they are transferable.

Turns out they accept them at her work.
upvote downvote report

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant
upvote downvote report

Peanuts as present

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes pass and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This ...
upvote downvote report

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...
upvote downvote report

I received a wedding invitation.

It read, "Your presence itself is a present. We don't want any presents at the wedding."

After re-reading it repeatedly, I concluded that I was not invited. So I decided not to attend.
upvote downvote report

I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.
upvote downvote report

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...

...they are automatically promoted to babystander.
upvote downvote report

My wife asked if she has any annoying habits...

... and then she got all offended during the PowerPoint presentation
upvote downvote report

Blinking lights, presents, reindeer, and snowmen everywhere…

I love Thanksgiving.
upvote downvote report

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...
upvote downvote report

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Santa slides down the chimney to deliver some presents... (long)

As he's unloading his sack a beautiful young lady saunters into the living room wearing a robe She walks up to Santa and rubs her hand softly down his back.

"Santa, would you like to stay for a bit?" she asks as she playfully opens the top of her robe a bit.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

Santa gives humpty presents

Why did santa gave humpty a present

Cause he is a good egg
upvote downvote report

Three brothers are arguing over who got their mom the best Mother's Day present

The first brother says "I got mom the best gift! I bought her a brand new house! It's so huge, its practically a mansion!"

The second brother says "No, I got mom the best mother's day gift! I bought her a brand new luxury car and I even hired her a chauffeur to drive her around! She just has ...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The past, present and future are talking in a bar

"We're fucked," said future. "I can see it."

"Live for today friend," present replied.

Past pounded the table. "Impossible! Historically, this is the worst it's ever been!"

The bartender looked up. "Relax! Is it always this tense when you guys argue?"

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...
upvote downvote report

I don't mean to brag... but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it's an extension of my soul.

It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
upvote downvote report

What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?

They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.
upvote downvote report

A boy asked his parents for a birthday present

He asked his parents for something to wear and something to play with. They got him a pair of jeans with a hole in the pockets.
upvote downvote report

A boy wakes up on his birthday and is excited for presents.

However he finds none anywhere and then his mother arrives. "Yo, yo yo, new bike, a lil video game and one toy soldier boy!" she sings "What? Where are my presents?" he demands. The mother says: "Your father told me I had to rap the presents."
upvote downvote report

Present for my dad

I've bought my dad a Zippo lighter for Christmas.

I want it to be a surprise when he comes back with the cigarettes he went out to buy ten years ago.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have an orgasm every time I give someone a present.

I come bearing gifts

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.
upvote downvote report

Late Christmas present

Dear Ben
While going through the garage to look for the Christmas tree I found a present I meant to give to you
I know it's a year later
But you would have loved this dog

Much love
Dad
upvote downvote report

A clown presents the new covid regulations.

Everyone dies laughing.
upvote downvote report

To the person who stole my presentation

I hope you do not Excel.
upvote downvote report

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world-renowned engineer steps up onto the stage to present his newest invention…

“Thank you everyone for coming. Today I am unveiling the product that has took our team months to perfect, and it is finally ready for people like you to purchase.”

The crows oohs and aahs in anticipation.

“It is my honor to present to you, the InfiniBoots!”

An assistant steps i...

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...
upvote downvote report

Past, Future and Present

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
upvote downvote report

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...
upvote downvote report

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar, and it was simply tense.

As they were drinking it was clear it was becoming progressively tenser.

By the time they'd walked out it had become perfectly tense.
upvote downvote report

What is the worst present for a person with Alzheimer?

A boomerang.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my girlfriend the best present!

I got her a Rolex, she loves it so much she keeps looking at it when we have sex.

What is the best present for Christmas?

Aorta.

Because it comes from the heart...
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information