Except Jokes - 85 Hilarious Except Jokes

I before E except after C

I would have never guessed the color Beige to be the most rebellious.

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID.

But, no one else would get it.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

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Once there was a women's bowling team. Everyone on the bowling team was so-so at bowling, with the exception of two women.

One of the two women was named Martha. Martha was absolutely abysmal at bowling. Every single game, she got at least nine gutter balls.

The other woman was Linda, and she was the best player who had ever set foot in the bowling alley. Every time the team won a bowling match, Linda was r...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.

It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

I'm always an athiest except when...

...she says her body's a temple

Husband: I heard a rumor that the postman's slept with all the women on our street, except for one.

Wife: I bet it's that's snooty Priscilla Quinn in Number 12.

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

TIL that Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.

He's never gonna give you Up

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

Naked except for the boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrat...

I’m no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

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Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down ...

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

I’m good at everything except being humble

Because I’m great at it

I bought a new boat and it's the best, except it's shaped like a centaur.

Great horsemanship.

Except for that one guy.

An airliner was having engine trouble and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for and emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the air hostess if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All ready back here, Captain," came...

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India has a god for almost everything- except premature ejaculation

But it’s coming soon.

My exceptional memory allows me to memorize a sequence of more than a million numbers

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...

After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"

The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."

The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"

Th...

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except

that the Earth is Flat

Good night everyone except for Asians

Good morning Asians.

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Italians have always copied good inventions from other cultures and made them exceptional

Beretta took Walthers's designs and made them sexy

They discovered noodles from china, removed the dog, and created pasta

They stole the idea of arches from the Etruscans and built colosseums and aqueducts

They took the gladius from celt-iberians and conquered the world with it<...

All the jokes I post are my own. Except the spooky jokes.

They're by my ghostwriter.

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

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I have every Beatles album except one.

I need Help.

Elsa dolls outsell Anna dolls in every country in the world, except Italy

because when Italians ask their kids which doll they want, they say “You wanta Anna or Elsa!”

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up. His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added).

As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

Everyone who gets the COVID vaccine has to get two shots, except Eminem.

He only gets one shot.

One day the sheriff sees Billy Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, “Billy Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?”

Billy Bob replies, “Well, sheriff, it’s a long story!”
The sheriff says he isn’t in a hurry and that Billy Bob should tell the story.

Billy Bob continues, “Well, sheriff, me and Mary Lou were down on the farm and we started cuddling. Mary Lou said we should go in the barn and we did.
...

Hydrogen peroxide except it's funny

Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The first chemist responds, "I'd like some H2O."
The second chemists says, "I'd like some H2 — wait, we aren't at work, why'd you say it like that? I'd like some water too, please."
The first chemist mutters to himself,...

Nearly every country in the world uses metric, except for America...

because America has a foot fetish.

Isn’t it crazy every planet is named after a Greek God except for earth?

It’s just named after that stuff on the ground.

(Norm MacDonald)

What's the most popular sport everywhere except for the US?

Cross country

The Ninja Turtles went to a weapons store. They all got what they wanted except for Raphael

They didn't have his sai's.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

What happened when all of Old MacDonald’s animals ran away, except one?

He had a cow.

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

Nobody understands except the Buddhist monks...

...that it is not about how fast you get karma, but how long you wait to repost for it.

All the children were playing with the woodchipper, except Fawn.

She was spread out all over the lawn.

Grammar tells us, " 'i' before 'e' except after 'c' "...

But science tells us otherwise.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

A plague wiped out every city on earth except for Detroit...

Because in Detroit everyone gets a shot

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Everyone debates butts vs. boobs, but nothing beats a pretty face.

Except for Chris Brown

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

There's an exception in the breaking and entering laws for people coming in through the chimney

It's called the Santa clause

I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog....

It was a Shih Tzu

"An early human" and "A nearly human" are spelled the same except for how you use the space bar.

They never thought of that, which makes us superior.

There’s always an exception

*usually

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

The other says

"No"

Everything comes from China these days, except for babies...

They come from the vaChina

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In a little village in africa everyone is black except the pastor who's white

One day one of the black man becomes a father. It's a beautiful son but there is a problem : the baby is white. So the black man being super pissed goes and see the pastor accusing him to have a relationship with his wife.

The pastor then says :

'You know my son there is a lot of mist...

All of the astrological signs survived the sinking of the Titanic except

Leo

American Exceptionalism

Noun. When every country in the world decides to do something good, *except America*

My keyboard works for everyone except me

I guess it just isn't my type.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

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I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

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Little Johnny showed up to school butt naked except for a mask on his face.

When the teacher asked why he came to school like this, to which Johnny replied:

"They said admittance will be with mask only, so I came with a mask only."

The entire Trump family, except for Maryanne Trump Barry, has tested positive for Covid-19!

Hmmm, maybe the Aunty Maskers are onto something...

A man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.

After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, his sanity began to slip away.

One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire, then throws wet seaweed o...

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?"
He responded " I don't work here"

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing.

Except at a funeral

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A man walks into a therapist's office wearing nothing except Saran Wrap

The therapist says, "clearly I can see your nuts"

A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot.

The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot.

One day the woman was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman...

I finally had an entire set of amiibos, except for one Zelda character.

It was my missing link

i before e except after c

Great, now how am I supposed to spell "ice" again?

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Harold and Ethel had been happily married for years, except for one quirk

Every morning when Harold woke up, he would announce his consciousness to Ethel in the form of a great trumpeting fart, the kind that make the covers billow. This annoyed Ethel, and she'd taken to telling him, "Dammit Harold, one of these days you are going to shit your guts out." Harold would alw...

Jesus loves everyone. Except manicurists.

He always hated having his nails done.

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

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