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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Fishing is all location location location

Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was runn...

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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

I'm lonely. I solved this by moving to a warm location...

Now I have fans everywhere I go.

PETA wants to know your location.

A baby seal walks into a bar.

Bartender: What can I get ya?

Baby seal: Anything but a Canadian Club.

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

I told the local business owner that I loved his convenient location -- walking distance from my house!

"That's nice, sir." He said. "But if you want an oil change, you'll have to drive"

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

A man wakes up on the 7th of July at 7 o'clock

When he wakes up, he checks his phone and sees that he has 7 missed calls and 7 messages from 7 differents persons. He finds the coincidence pretty funny, gets out of bed with a big smile and gets in his car.

Before starting the engine, he checks on his phone the location of his meeting, when...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

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Suggestions for Tesla sentry mode...

(based on a thread over in r/TeslaMotors)

Tesla Sentry Mode is the name of the car's feature that detects when someone is near the car when it is parked; it saves video from that time period and notifies the owner how many incidents have occurred while s/he's been away from the car. It also p...

At what location is the gold on a dog’s treasure map?

Where p marks the spot

Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed.

In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says,
"Look up Watson, what do you see?"
Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beaut...

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........

##

Mad-at-gas-car

I recall the time years ago when my friend and I went on our secret spy mission. Like any other highly trained operatives, we were tasked with infiltrating the local mattress store.

It had been reported several times for housing a suspicious number of fans. (a Code 182).

Per our orders, my partner and I snuck into the establishment, taking up hiding under the blankets of some nearby display beds. Sure enough, the place was crawling with fans: ceiling fans, upright fans,...

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

What do you call Planned Parenthood locations in Eastern Europe?

a-borsch-tion clinics

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop making puns about Scandinavian locations.

I said “There’s Norway you’d go Oslo as that.”

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

A Mafia Leader Is Robbed By One of His Foreign Non-English Speaking Associate

The leader figures out who stole the money and hires a translator in order to properly communicate.

Leader: So you're the one who had the guts to steal my money?

Translator (proceeds): He said he didn't do it.

Leader: Tell him to cut the bulls*** and tell me how much he stole....

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

I heard r/Jokes is going to open a brick and mortar location..

It’s gonna be a second hand store, of course

Botched suicide

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact lo...

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A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

I think someone is trying to kill me, so I Googled him and when I got to his website my heart stopped

It wants to know my location!

While on location for weeks in arctic Siberia, writing a piece for National Geographic, my brother randomly showed up to keep me company.

It really helped having a cool story bro.

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young...

Two blondes go on vacation and rent

a boat for the day to go fishing. They lower the anchor and start fishing on the lake. After a really successful days' fishing, one blonde says "We should come back to this same place tomorrow," and so she takes out a marker and draws an "X" in the bottom of the boat. "This will help us find the loc...

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

I lost my tv controller somewhere

It's in some remote location

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mis...

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says “I’m outside 28 Eucalyptus Road”.

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There’s shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. “Jack?” says the operator, conc...

Finally realized why Americans are addicted to fried foods

They're one of the world's most well-known locations of proven oil reserves

A guy with an inverted sight boarded a bus to a random location.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Did you hear about the doctor who set up a new office every month?

Each one looked promising but he'd get frustrated and close it and move to a new location.


He just didn't have the patients.

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going...

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Dungeon Location

If you are going to build an S&M dungeon at home, it's location is very important. You need a place in your house with the right energy, right decor and the right mindset, probably best if it's on the lowest floor of the house for symbolic reasons.

I suggest you try debasement

Joke for any location...

I was at a "place of religion or race" the other day going through some magazines...

... I was perfectly happy till my rifle jammed.

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