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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics

The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn’t possibly measure my velocity.

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

At the meeting location, why did the spymaster keep looking up, rather than scanning the crowd for his contact?

He was told the informant would be “in de skies”.

I met the most beautiful girl at the Covid testing location the other day

She left me breathless

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

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The teacher asks her class “What is sex?” and Little Johnny stands up and says “sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl’s destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?”

and the teacher fainted.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

How do you set your digital location to Skyrim?

You use NordVPN

A telephone technician gets his wiener bitten by a rattlesnake while peeing on a bush.

He and his coworker where fixing some phone lines in a remote location, far from the city.

His coworker, not knowing what to do, climbs to the top of the telephone pole, connects his service telephone to the wires and calls 911.

The guy on the pole: "Hello, emergencies? My coworker was...

A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...

They say "Thank you for your patients"

The Road Crew

A county road crew got their work assignment one morning to go patch some potholes.
They arrived at the assigned location and when they went to get their stuff out of the back of the pickup they realized they had a problem. The team leader got on the radio and called the supervisor and said, “Bos...

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

Why do the avengers make Black Widow share her location on her phone?

To stop her from Romanoff

Unconfirmed rumors that The Rock has been injured while on location in Namibia

I guess Dwayne's down in Africa.

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

A mathematician spent his whole life trying to triangulate the location of hell.

He finally did cos sin.

Stuttering Sam the S-S-S-Salesman

Three guys, Adam, Barry and Sam, got hired by Mike the Manager to sell bibles door-to-door. First day of work, they had a quick meeting with Mike and they were each given a separate area of the city that they were to try to sell their bibles. They were to go out, use their best judgment as to the lo...

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

theres something suspicious about the location of the g-spot

i just cant quite put my finger on it

Downloaded that ap where you post your location when you're drinking a good cup of coffee, I think it's called Grinder.

The real plus is that I haven't paid for a single cup yet!

The fellas around here are just so friendly.

A man got in a taxi and asked to drop by a specific location.

The taxi driver said ok and drove for 5 minutes, and suddenly took a few wrong turns. The man thought to himself "does he not know where it is?" And tap the driver on the shoulder. The driver suddenly, started to panic and screaming, while trying to avoid cars and rail guards, almost hitting a bus f...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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I have location-based constipation.

Can’t have shit in Detroit.

What a morning..

What a morning...
I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

PETA wants to know your location.

A baby seal walks into a bar.

Bartender: What can I get ya?

Baby seal: Anything but a Canadian Club.

When two marijuana dispensaries are unable to increase sales by changing location,

they have reached hash equilibrium.

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?

The location of the dirtbag.

The cook promised a chicken that he will spare its life if it can guess their location.

In a state of panic, the chicken asked "What's going to happen to my family?!" The cook looked down with disappointment smeared on his face. "Help! Help!" the chicken clucked for his final minutes have arrived. "I need your guess now," said the cook as the deep frier began to sizzle. "A volcano, the...

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

A village was devastated by a lion's multiple attacks on the villagers.

Many hunters attempted to kill the lion but all of them became prey of the lion.

One day a hunter named Killer John (KJ) came to the village claiming that he can kill the lion. The villagers asked what are your going to do that the earlier hunters couldn't do.

KJ asked the help of vill...

What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

I told the local business owner that I loved his convenient location -- walking distance from my house!

"That's nice, sir." He said. "But if you want an oil change, you'll have to drive"

Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over

Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

Today I set my location on Tinder to Flint, Michigan

Because I bet those girls are pretty thirsty.

If an object is large enough, it becomes a location.

Can’t wait to travel to yo mama.

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

Shopkeeper receives flowers at the opening of his new store...

And the card says "Rest In Peace". So he calls up the florist, angry, and she says, "Sir, at least you weren't the one who got flowers at your wife's funeral that said, 'Congratulations on the new location.'"

At what location is the gold on a dog’s treasure map?

Where p marks the spot

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

I heard r/Jokes is going to open a brick and mortar location..

It’s gonna be a second hand store, of course

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop making puns about Scandinavian locations.

I said “There’s Norway you’d go Oslo as that.”

Elon Musk Announces Odd location for New Tesla Factory in the Country of........

##

Mad-at-gas-car

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

NSA's pick up lines:

"Did you fall from heaven? Because there's no tracking data on how you arrived at this location" "I'd tap that" "I know exactly where you have been all my life"

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Drunk redneck, "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"

911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"

Drunk redneck, "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."

911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "

...

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

Genghis Khan stumbles across a great palace in Northern China

It was a magnificent golden palace, with beautiful ornaments covering every surface as it towered over the surrounding landscape with its size. The steps leading up to the front entrance were crafted from the finest marble, the pillars holding up the ceiling sculpted with the rarest jade. It was tru...

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going...

Eucalyptus street

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over t...

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