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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



There's no 'I' in 'team,'

But there are six in 'Dissociative Identity Disorder.'

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

There's a woman in the park sells batteries.

She sells C cells by the seesaw.

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its a...

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.

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There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

There's a highway to hell but a stairway to heaven.

Says a lot about the expected traffic

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

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There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

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There's this guy who could sing through his butt...

He goes to audition with this producer who has a variety show. The producer asks to hear him, so he drops his drawers and does a medley from "Barber of Seville", in perfect Italian. Well the producer is really impressed. He books him for the Saturday night show.

When the time comes for his ac...

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"There's no 'I' in team"

"But there's a whole lot of 'U' in shut the fuck up"

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

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I don't normally see eye to eye with most Trump supporters, but if there's one thing we do agree on...

It's that the president of Puerto Rico is the dumbest son of a bitch to ever hold public office.

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery...

The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Edit: Wow, thanks guys. This made me win a bet with my friend to see who could get frontpaged first :D

Edit #2: I just won $1, lol.

Edit #3: We made the...

So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"
The gnat says, "gnat at all."
The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."
The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female…

If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come wi...

There's a boy named Bonnie...

There’s a boy named Bonnie.

He is made fun of throughout high school because of his weird name, and so he is become very shy.

But he has a crush on a girl and works up the courage to ask her out.

She says yes, and he is so happy.


After years of dating, he works up ...

there's no need to be angry at lazy people

they didn't do anything.

There's a full proof way to prevent suicide

Push them, then it's homicide

There's a lot of discrimination against us paraplegic people,

And we won't stand for that!

me: omg! there's a wolf!

Wife: where?

Me: no, the regular kind!

There's a robbery at a bank.

One of the robbers accidentaly drops his mask. He puts it back, but he knows it is too late.

So he asks the closest man: 'Did you see anything?'

'Well, yes, I was close and...'

The robber shoots him instantly. He then goes to the second closest: 'What did you see?'

'Nothi...

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There's two types of people in the world.

People who look good naked, and people who go to nude beaches.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

There's no reason to be tailgating me when I'm doing 50 in a 35...

...and those flashing lights on your car look stupid.

There's a Marine in Afghanistan

A marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there, he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. She also wanted the pictures of herself back.

So, the marine did what an...

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

There's only 1 rule in English

Their our know rules

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

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You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

There's an old saying that goes "the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach".

So anyway I lost my surgical license today.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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There's going to be a list published of the top 10 most viewed porn videos.

What is the world coming to?

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

I'm a masochist. There's nothing I love more than getting up at 3 in the morning for a cold shower.

So I don't.

Apparently, there's a necrophiliac on the loose.

Look alive, people!

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Did you know that on the Canary Islands, there's not a single canary? And in the Virgin Islands, same exact thing! There's not a single...

...canary.

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There's nothing like waking up to sex in the morning...

Unless you're in prison!

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

Then there's the story of a painter who is hired to whitewash a nearby church.

Unfortunately he thins the paint too much, causing it to wash away entirely during the first rain.

The minister calls the painter to voice his grievances. "What do you want me to do about it?" inquires the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister firmly, "And thin no more."

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There's a guy going around

dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts.

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

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So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

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Never panic, there's always a solution

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter...

There's a new documentary planned about flying

They're filming the pilot.

There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.

There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and...

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

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So there's a guy born without a body...

He was born as a head, nothing else. The doctors said he would never live, but somehow, he did. He had a rough childhood, but he learned to get around, rolling where he needed to, putting up with the teasing and looks. He just tried to fit in as best he could.

By the time he's in high schoo...

With relationships, they say there's plenty of fish in the sea...

But I'm just stuck here holding my rod

There's this frog and he

... goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and ...

"Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken soup!"

"That's all right, sir. There are no cottages in our cottage cheese, either."

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There's a vampire that only feeds off the blood of menstruating women.

His name is Cunt Dracula!

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My Asian girlfriend told me there's nothing wrong with having a little penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though...

So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title

So there's this redditor that says part of the joke in the title,


then repeats it for no goddamn reason.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

My friend is convinced there's no way of knowing whether the chicken or the egg came first.

He's a real eggnostic, that one.

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