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Done Jokes

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for ...

I’ve done some terrible things for money.

Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people.

Kinda like yo momma.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

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Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said Little Johnny..

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mothe...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done

The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.

The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again som...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets fi...

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Just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens!

Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.

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Me: *licking lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.

Instructor: don't lick my lips again.

Recently someone asked me what’s the hardest thing I’ve done in college.

I answered “contemplate suicide”. I saw they weren’t laughing so I quickly corrected and said “about 9 inches”. Needless to say my mother didn’t appreciate that answer either.

I've just done my part to help the environment.

I unplugged 6 electric vehicles that no one was using.

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A teacher asks the children in her class what they done at the weekend...

"I went out for the day, and rode on the choo choo", said Billy.

"Billy", said the teacher, "we don't use childish and immature language in my class. You rode on a train... Steve?"

"My dad and I went go-karting but I crashed and got a boo boo", said Steve.

"Steve, I just said we...

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done.

I've quit hundreds of times.

They say a woman's work is never done

that's probably why they get paid less

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

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Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

Where do electricians go when their job is done?

They go h-ohm.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

I had a vasectomy done 2 years ago..

Mainly because I didn’t want any lids whatsoever, but when I got home from the hospital after the operation, they were still there…

I'm done making Peter Pan jokes

They Never land

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to th...

Why couldn't the horse congress get anything done?

They vote "neigh" on everything

Leaked NASA documents show the Moon landing was done in a Studio.

On the moon.

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My wife had some tattoos done on the cheeks of her ass.

She said to the tattooist I would like a butterfly on each cheek.

Tattooist says, sorry I can't do butterflies, I can do Bee's though.

So my wife said okay they are nice as well. She came home, dropped her pants turned round and got on all fours to show me.

I said "who the fuck ...

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

Susie Lee Done Fell In Love

Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother.”

So Su...

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Why can't blind people tell when they're done wiping?

Because they can't see shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done.

All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

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An old Englishman was very confused by what his loner teenage son had done

His son had made a 70s style carpet out of raven corpses. He confronted his son, who replied “sorry dad, thought you meant this when you said I should go out and shag some birds.”

Grandchild: grandma have you done 69 before? *grin*

Grandma: no honey, I did only 53, we live in a small community

Is it weird to lick a knife after your done using it?

Because the other surgeons looked at me in disgust today.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

Jerry Seinfeld hasn’t really done any top tier, A-list movies in the past 20 years.

He has, however, done a Bee movie.

What do you call a man who has done botox?

Philip.

Everything is easier said than done.

Unless it’s Worcestershire sauce.

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I'm done, this is my last ever cum joke.

Premature or not, I've created millions of these and none of them stick.

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

What did the first human do after he was done naming everything?

He called it a day

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Two Jews have done well in business.

They decide to celebrate and advertise their success they should get matching black suits. They go to the tailor, Pincus, and tell him they want two black suits. They make it clear they want a true deep black, not blue black, grey black, or brown black but a black black. A real black, "The kind n...

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You can always trust an Asexual to get a job done.

They never fuck around.

Why couldn't the dyslexic plantation owner get anything done?

Gingers just don't last in the sun.

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I know I shouldn’t have done this, but ...

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning. The young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because apparently, I was taking too long to place my order.

When I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier told her what I'd do...

What martial art is done using only your feet?

**Tofu**

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

I have done many things in my life

A woman is not one of them.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

Why does a well-done trans joke start off dark and turn wholesome?

Because the goal is a good transition.

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

Almost done watching that Netflix special on Epstein.

I hope it doesn’t leave me hanging.

I’m done with Ramadan!

Other muslims are still fasting, but I was faster.

Eid Mubarak!

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

How does a man on the moon get his hair done?

He eclipse it.

It was good Friday so Jesus went to get his nails done...

The lady doing his nails asked "what color do you want? Or how about a clear coat?"

Jesus replied "thanks, but really I just want the rust removed"

My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain.

But then again, he was in the SS.

can somebody tell me how statistics are done

mathematician: by all means

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I asked my priest if I would go to hell for all the bad things I've done.

Priest: Let me tell you a secret, hell ain't so bad.

Priest: Do you drink?

Me: Hell yeah

Priest: Well on Mondays It's open bar night, all the booze you want, no hangover!

Priest: Do you do drugs?

Me: Hell yeah, everyday!

Priest: on Tuesday, all the drugs you...

birds are the only animals who can get anything done!

They got friends in high places

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I just got done talking to my therapist

He says I have a habit of insulting people who are just trying to help me.

What an asshole!

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What did the leper say to the prostitute after they were done?

Keep the tip

I have never done cocaine

but it smells amazing!

I'm not saying that no one who hasn't done time can understand prison. But I am saying you had to be there.

Literally, you had to. They wouldn't let me leave. It sucked.

There are 3 ways to get something done

1: Do it yourself

2: Hire someone to do it for you

3: Forbid your kids from doing it.

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

How are abortions done in the Harry Potter universe?

*Fetus Deletus*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a blindman know if he is done wiping his ass ?

It starts to taste like toilet paper

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I know shaving a scrotum is something that can be done

But I don’t have the balls to do it.

GF: I'm done with you! I'm tired of you constantly mocking my weight!

BF: Soooo, you're not pregnant?

2/3 of all impeached presidents were done so for the same reason

for embarrassing Hillary Clinton

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

I'm done with banks

The have lost my interest

When all's said and done it's been an impressive mpressive show from both Biden and Trump

Who would have thought two blokes in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

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A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

Well Done?

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.

'Waiter,' Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'

'Of course I did, sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'

Smuggling done right

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, a man was stopped by a guard who pointed to the two sacks the man had on his shoulders."What's in the bags?" asked the guard.
"Sand ," said the cyclist.
"Get them off;we'll take a look ,"said the guard.
The cyclist did as he was told,empt...

I'm done with dating sites

I'm only dating pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a car, a job and, pizza

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pornstars say after they’re done with their client?

“It was a business doing pleasure with you”

Hope it hasn't been done before

A hunter is talking with another hunter "Yesterday, we went on hunt with the others and I killed 3 rabbits, 2 foxes et 5 notuss"

The other hunter replied "What's a notuss ?"

The first hunter then said "I don't know, while I was shooting they were shouting "Not us, not us !""

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Why can’t Karens get anything done on a Windows computer?

They keep summoning the Task Manager

(Sorry: this came to my mind as I was getting frustrated with my slow computer)

They said it couldn't be done!

So I didn't do it

The horse government never gets anything done...

The politicians always vote Nay.















I'm sorry

Camera men always get their job done

They’re very good at focusing

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got done watching a show with unlikable characters, bullshit plot developments, and a depressing ending.

It's called "The News."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircrafts...

I think they're done by Cereal Killers.

I just had a survey done on my house...

8 out of 10 people said they really liked it.

Now that we’re almost done with the Novel Coronavirus,

When can I expect the movie adaptation

I've done my best to quit making innuendos, but it's hard.

So. Hard.

What would Ted Cruz have done in the school shooting if he was the responding police officer?

He would have packed his bags and leave for Cancun, citing his daughters don't go that school.

Sigmund knows he's done working

when his brain's freud

I just got done watching 3 movies about tiny crustaceans.

It was a krillogy.

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

If a girl says she'll be done in 5 minutes she'll be done in 5 minutes

No need to remind her every 30 minutes

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner

I'm done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

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"I'm done with this shit."

He thought as he closed Reddit, locked his phone and stood up.

What’s the last thing you want to hear when you’re done blowing Willie Nelson?

“I’m not Willie Nelson!”

What's hard before you use it, wet while you're using it and soft and flaccid after you are done using it?

Chewing gum.

If two vegans are done fighting

is there still beef between them?

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Trump says it’s done and they all cheer in the dark.

This 'do unto others as you would have done unto you' rule is seriously overrated.

All I wanted was for attractive young men to put their hands in my pants, but now I'm on a register!

I'm done drinking for good...

Now I drink for Evil.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They've finally done it!

After years of painstaking research and experimentation scientists have developed a serum that can regrow human body parts

In other news: Reports of individuals who have had their penis accidentally chopped off has increased by 100%

I’m done making self deprecating jokes!

I’m not funny enough anyway.

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