A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..

So I told him, “C4 yourself”

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

With Ford v Ferrari being so successful

Chevy has decided to come out with their own movie. Total Recall

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

One time I saw a kid being bullied by 4 kids so i decided to step in

He didn't stand a chance against all 5 of us

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

A husband caught the flu and stayed home and was being taken care of by his wife. . .

Even though he was sick, it did his heart good to see how much his wife was devoted to him. Every time the mailman or a delivery man came up the walkway, she would run out and exclaim excitedly, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

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A woman is lying in the road after being run over.

The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.

"Are you all right?" he asks.

"You're just a blur," she says, "so my sight is clearly affected."

Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?" he asks h...

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

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A husband and wife are being tested at their local hospital.

It’s been roughly a week and the husband calls the hospital asking for the test results. The doctor replies,
“Ah yes. We have concluded that your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer’s.”
The husband in a panic asks,”So what do I do?”
The doctor simply says,“Take her on a car ride then drop her...

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Because the clockwork in the clock tower was being repaired, Big Ben wasn't tolling the hour...

Well, Parliament put an advertisement in the newspaper for someone to ring the bell on the hour.

The first fellow to show up for the position had no arms. In the interview, they asked "How can you hit Big Ben with the striker if you have no arms?"

Not to be stopped by his handicap, h...

Being a man means never celebrating International Men’s Day.

Because every year we forget what day it is. Just like we forget what day our anniversary is.

I'm so good at being interrogated.

I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

Being a thief isn't always easy. A lot of times, I'll demand for someone to empty their pockets...

...just for them to empty their bladder instead. It's not a hard instruction.

Jokes in this sub are always being repeated over and over...

Jokes in this sub are always being repeated over and over...

What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking?

It can really take you places.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

Being a manutd fan these days is annoying enough as it is

the other day I was talking about how good Liverpool are and I was labelled a traitor , questioned about my loyalty and insulted.

What do they think I am ? An undercover KOP?

I sacrificed everything to pursue my dream of being an archeologist...

And now my life is in ruins.

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

This kid in physics class was being mean to me

So I called him the derivative of acceleration.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...

You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away

I hate being patronised

Patronised means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Epstein's death being a suicide was just one big misunderstanding...

The medical examiner who ruled the death as a suicide misunderstood what his colleague meant by "Man... Epstein sure was hung!"

A poor farmer is being asked about his career by a fast talking interviewer

Interviewer: So, What kind of grain do you grow here? Are you getting by financially with such low production?

Farmer: Barley

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I got tired of being the polite Canadian in the group that always says "Excuse me" when he burps sneezes or yawns, so I've been trying out something a little different. Now it's "Achoo!...

, Fuck You!"

...and New Yorkers have been treating me way better.

All Americans should be educated as to what propaganda is when it’s constantly being thrown at them.

Propaganda is when a British person takes a good look at something.

I hate being bipolar...

It's great!

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

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You know why being drunk is gay?

Because you can't think straight.

What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.

On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.

On the other hand, you don't.

Did you hear Kit Harrington was stabbed while being mugged?

For the watch.

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It's not easy being a pill tester at the Viagra production facility...

The workers are always hard at work.

What did the millennial say to the boomer upset over being called "boomer"?

The same thing boomers said to them growing up.

"They're just words. They can't hurt you."

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...

An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what’s your secret?

During the war, I sucked off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.

I meant about your age.

Ah… Eating healthy.

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Two guys are talking about being optimistic.

One guy says, "Hey, sometimes there are situations where you just can't be optimistic, right?" The other guy responds, "Nah, you always have to look at the bright side. Just last week, I was with a prostitute, and she died right there in the middle of it." The first guy sputters, "What? Where's the ...

What does living with a pregnant woman and being in a hostage situation have in common?

However some people may see it, I can't

Even imagine it in my own

Life because my wife is

Perfect in every way. She makes

Me complete. I love

Every part of her!

What's the difference between a thunderstorm and a child being spanked?

One pours with rain, and the other roars with pain.

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The worst thing about being a doctor is confronting a patient about the lack of fibre in their diet.

That shit’s hard.

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

You know what’s great about being a skull?

You don’t need no body

I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big

He was ostrich-sized :/

Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.

It’s the wurst.

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I hate being a urologist.

My patients are always a bunch of dicks.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?

Why do statisticians always go back to being cruel ?

Answer: reversion to the mean

You're being strapped into the electric chair.

What happens next will SHOCK you.

A teenage couple had kids but after some time went to court for being unsuitable parents...

...the result? Tried as adults.

I finally framed my certificate for being able to shoot my sperm 15m,

And I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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I like to brag about my penis being two inches. From the ground.

I’m told it’s not as impressive if I’m laying on my stomach.

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Imagine being American, paying a shitton for Healthcare....

... And then never getting sick. What a sad life

What's the best part being with a gypsy on her period?

When youre done you get your palm read

My wife accused me of being too childish.

So I told her to get out of my pillow fort.

Must be strange being Tiger Woods;

Getting to hear, "Morning, Woods!" all the time!

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A man is being arrested...

by a female police officer, who informs him,

“Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

The man says, “Boobs!”

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note... ...I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

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