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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong.

It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.

They fuck you once a month for 25 years,

they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend,

and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

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If being sexy is a crime ,

Then I am a law abiding citizen .

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

What hurts more? Giving birth or being kicked in the nuts.

Kicked in the nuts, you don't ever hear guys asking to be kicked in the nuts again.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

Peeing yourself in public is like being in Love

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first c...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

I was really bummed out about being prescribed antibiotics...

Until I realized this is closest I’ll ever get to being a fungi

What’s the difference between being in prison and playing on a basketball team?

On a basketball team, your guards won’t leave you hanging.

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Nobody should be ashamed of what their sexual kink is, unless your kink is being humiliated.

Then you should be very ashamed you nasty little pervert.

What did the farmer say to the corn that was being difficult?

Go shuck yourself.


What did the mom say to her child walking through the cornfield?

Watch out for stalkers.


Sorry for all the corny jokes.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

Recently in court I was found guilty of being egotistical...

I am appealing.

Two sociopaths was being locked up in a psychiatric hospital.

One day they both decide that they dont like it there and they want to escape.

They wait for nighttime and eventually they make it to the top of the building and they now stand on the edge of the rooftop, only jumpingdistance away from the next rooftop.

One of the sociopaths jump over ...

What is the equivalent of being a model at Instagram?

Being a millionaire in Monopoly.

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head.

From a distance they will look like hares.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

A man committed suicide after being rejected at a singing competition...

He just couldn't face the music.

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

I hate being bi-polar.

It’s awesome.

You know that saying about being the change you want to see in the world?

I feel like 50 Cent misunderstood it.

Despite only being 13% of the population

Teenagers use over 50% of the nations tissues

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I took a visit to Russia and a random person accused me of being gay.

Shocked, I asked who are you?

He replied Uben,

Uben GettinKok.

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Being a Male porn star is hard...

...there's a lot of stiff competition.

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

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People get made fun of for being virgins, but what are people who have LOST their virginity?

Losers

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Have you ever imagined being in a room with everyone you've had sex with?

That thought is the reason I hate family reunions.

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I’d ask you what it’s like being gay

But I’m afraid I wouldn’t get a straight answer

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Bedbugs got their name from being found in our beds.

Cockroaches

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Today a young man was detained after being caught red handed with a giant magnifying glass. He'd been focusing the light to a small dot on to peoples bottoms until they caught fire.

He was prosecuted for arse-sun

What's the hardest part about being a vegan cannibal?

Getting the vegetables out of the wheelchair.

She told me I was being rude for kink-shaming her...

All I said was, "Karen, stop yelling at the customer service rep."

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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I’ve been his client for many years and didn’t know he was a barber.

Imagine being in a room

Imagine being completely naked in a room where everyone is several times your height, everyone speaks a foreign language, and they all want to touch you.

This is the life of a dog.

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse...

Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

More wheelchairs are being made,

after a long-standing period without them.

My new girlfriend has a fetish for being covered in cheese and pickle.

She's a cracker.

My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

There's a difference between being funny and being funny looking...

Thankfully I'm both so you can't make that mistake with me.

Chiron, being half horse and half human doctor

was a centaur of disease control.

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What's the toughest part of being vague?

I mean, like... well, you know, right?

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

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If being sexy was a crime...

I'd have a clean slate.

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Success is like being pregnant

Everyone just say 'Congratulations' but nobody knows how many times you were fucked.

I downloaded a torrent the other day and the next day 2 agents knocked on my door accusing me of being a Pirate.

I told them I can’t be a pirate and they asked why is that? I showed them my Reddit profile and said “See, no gold”

Being told I was going deaf...

was very difficult to hear.

The drinking age being at 21 seems appropriate

Graduating with $120,000 in debt should be the first reason you need a drink

Finally found a new job after being unemployed for a long time. I work at a clock tower, using a long straw to remove water that accumulates behind the glass so the giant clock face doesn't rust.

The pay is good, but the work sucks big time.

I hate being Bipolar

It's the best

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

My cat didn't like being picked up.

I guess I should have worded it better when I told the vet to put him down.

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An Englishman, Scottish man And Irish man are being sent to prison for life

But the judge says as a small act of kindness you can each take one item to prison with you to make it a little more bearable.

In Prison they show each other what they got.

The Englishman “I got these fine cigars so I can spend the evening smoking and thinking”

The Scottish man...

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

A girl is being asked: when you fell in love for the first time?

The girl: at 16

And the second time?

At 16:25

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

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What is the worst part of being a gay, black police commander?

Discrimination.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

Did you hear that being on a mountaintop is the best thing you can ever do?

Really, its all just downhill from there.

The worst part about being an antivaxer is

I never got to spoil my grandkids.

Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

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I was accused of being homophobic today

I honestly just prefer apartments

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

The perfect celebrity candidate for the job of being santa is...

John Cena of course.









Because NO ONE CAN SEE HIM !!!

How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.

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Best part of being a priest?

Sex with a virgin every nun and then.

My wife accused me of being immature...

I told her to get out of my fort.

What's the difference between chasing a car on foot or being chased by a car on foot?

If you're chasing a car you eventually get exhausted

If you're getting chased by a car eventually you get tired

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 6 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

The best part about being antivax

Is I’m saving a ton on college

Being vegan is wrong!

I think it’s a huge missed steak.

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

LPT: With Area 51 being raided soon, you should know what to do when you see a Spaceman...

Just park your car, man

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

The weatherman said that it could be dangerous being in the sun today

I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to get there.

Being a plastic surgeon must be hard...

Not even a familiar face to keep you company

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What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

If anyone makes fun of you for being deaf...

Don’t listen to a word they say.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

My girlfriend just accused me of being a transvestite

I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left

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After years of being plagued by extreme headaches,

*Disclaimer: English isn't my main language, there might be some mistakes here and there*

Jim finally went to see a doctor. After a lot of researching, the doctor said: "I have good news, but I also have bad news."

The good news is that I have found a cure for your extreme headac...

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Therapist: It seems like you place the burden of all your failures on others, refusing to take responsibility due to learned helplessness, despite most of your problems being solvable.

Client: Yeah, I get that from my mother.

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

My friend told me being a mixed kid is a double edged sword.

He says he can run really fast and rap to any beat, but he can't swim or jump.

I wonder what the first human being ever said.

Probably "First"

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

Being a member of the LGBTQ+ community is completely normal.

And I would never make a joke about such a straight thing.

Every time an American makes fun of me for being Canadian

I go to the nearest hospital and get myself checked for free.

Cross rail train line is officially being called the Elizabeth line in honour of the queen

And the shared fact it’ll take 90 years to build and cost the taxpayer billions

My wife and kids are going to leave me accusing me of being obsessed with horse racing

And they’re offfffff

What's the worst part of being a pirate while in school?

Getting your report card back to find the Seven Seas

Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.

As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him
one wish.

The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.

The next morning, ...

[Long?] A kid in a warzone was being taught reading in school. Since they were learning the "-omb" sound, the teacher showed a picture of an Egyptian tomb.

"Toom," the teacher said. The kid repeated.
Next the teacher pulled out a science textbook, and pointed to a mother's womb.
"Woom," the teacher said. The kid repeated this again.

Suddenly a man walked in with a bomb.
"BOOM" yelled the kid excitedly.

My wife and I went to the ocean recently and she swallowed a bunch of sea water. I was going to make a joke about her being salty....

But Na

Glass coffins are now being sold

How will they sell? Remains to be seen!

What are the similarities between playing GTA and being jewish?

You get chased after just one star

Being Vegan is a lot like having a bondage fetish

If your girlfriend is into it, you basically also have to

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Congrats to Rose Lavelle of Women’s National Soccer team for winning the Bronze Ball, awarded for being the 3rd best player at the World Cup!

Also, huge congrats to the entire Men’s National Soccer team for coming so close but not finishing, winning the Blue Ball.

People make fun of me for being poor

I am not penniless.

I am Nicolas.

Not being vaccinated is a gift that keeps on giving

you things you otherwise wouldn't get.

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

My doctor was making fun of me for being low on B vitamins...

He's giving me a complex.

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On being asked to describe Bill's penis, Melinda Gates could only think of one word...

Microsoft

My girlfriend left me for being overly dramatic

Dun dun DUUUNNNN

My coworkers always make fun of me for not being confident in myself...

I guess they’re right

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

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A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, "Anything you say can and will be held against you.

The man replies,"Boobs!”

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I like being bisexual...

It makes me an Equal Opportunity Enjoyer.

Trump being President is a good thing.

It teaches children that no matter who they are... No matter what they study... No matter what qualifications they have...

ANYone can be President.

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...



A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".

"No, not at all", she replies.

The man stands and clears his throat.

“Bargain", he says, and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal"

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

Why does 6 hate being under 7?

It's just not rational.

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