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Being Jokes

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

I hate being schizophrenic

So do I

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

I hate being bipolar

It’s awesome

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

Looked down and saw $80 on the sidewalk. Being the good Christian that I am, I thought, what would Jesus do?

So I went to the liquor store and turned it into wine

Why does it suck being a seismologist?

It's all shift work and there's no stability.

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital

As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"

Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"

And not to ...

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Success is like being pregnant

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you were fucked to get there

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

What do you call a dog that likes being tied up?

A sub-woofer

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

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I told my date “Being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed.”

She asked what the best way was and I said “A big dick.”

So she replied “That’s funny.”

I was in court recently. The judge found me guilty of being 'Egotistical'

I am appealing

A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.

The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.

"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."

After the woman is rescued by the police out...

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

A patient in a psychiatric hospital is being examined by a shrink. The shrink hands him a piece of paper and asks him, "Look at this inkblot and tell me what do you see."

"Well," the patient says, "I'm not 100% sure, but it looks like Rorschach Series IV, blot #17."

A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...

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My poem about a heavy metal band's best album is being read on British radio

ABCB on ACDC's ace CD on BBC

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

A priest is being chased through the woods by a hungry bear.

As the priest is running, he makes an impassioned plea to God: Oh please God, in your infinite wisdom and mercy, turn this bear into a good Christian!

Before he can get another word out, he trips over a log and goes sprawling. The bear catches up and approaches the terrified priest. Rising u...

Willie Nelson has been hospitalized after being struck by a car today.

He was playing on the road again.

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What's the difference between a cinema snack and two police officers having sex in the back of a car while being filmed?

One is popcorn.

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Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas...

When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

"O.K. ...

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

There are a few hidden advantages of being a citizen of Switzerland.

Their flag itself…is a big plus.

Today at work, some Karen told me she didn't appreciate me being so condescending towards her.

That means I talk down to people.

What's the hardest part of being addicted to money?

The withdrawals.

What did the pine say to the oak when both were being chopped down for lumber?

Life is such a beech.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

My cat is constantly being mistaken for a dolphin.

Poor puss.

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We all know the joke about a family's surname being based on their ancestors' profession, so what did John Hancock's family do?

The real question is, what the hell were Emily Dickinson's ancestors up to?

What do being mad at the world and watching the ball drop have in common?

Both involve yelling at a big blue ball.

P.S: Happy New Year! 10 more minutes!

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

A woman was being perused by two men.

One was a baker and one was a poet,
She had to make up her mind for batter or verse.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

Here are the three unwritten rules of being successful at life.

1.

2.

3.

Even before being President Joe Biden could access any restricted Area

All those places are usually for Biden

what did 3 say after being slapped

What was that 4

Being a politicians must be hard work

They’re all taking work home with them, apparently

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

What’s the worst part of being a dinosaur with diarrhoea?

Thesaurus

>!(the sore ass)!<

A guy is in an accident and wakes up in hospital after being operated on

The doctor says "well sir, I have some bad news and some good news.
The bad news is that we had to amputate both of your legs.

But the good news is that the guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes"

Three men are training to be Vladimir Putin's bodyguards

The training course is exhausting and incredibly challenging. On their last day of training, the instructor separates the three and and puts them in separate rooms, calling them one by one into the Presidential hallway.

"Sergeant Andreyev, come into the hallway."

"Yes, sir!" Andreyev ...

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

Why did the hedgehog and the squirrel stop being friends?

The hedgehog was too prickly and the squirrel was too nutty

What's the hardest part of being a vegan?

Waking up at 4.30 am to milk the almonds.

A man, Jones, had an accident resulting in both of his ears being ripped off.

Despite his handicap, he is able to start up his own company that is moderately successful and it is soon time to recruit a new employee. After a long selection process, he is left with 3 candidates to interview.

The first candidate walks in, and Jones ends the interview by asking him, "Do yo...

What was Mara being when he was attacking Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree?

A Buddhapest

Local news reports a large dreidel display is being installed in the town square

Until further notice, this is their top story.

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

A Ukrainian prisoner of war is being interrogated by a Russian officer.

During their conversation, the Ukrainian notices that the Officer has only one boot.

He asks, “Did you lose a boot?”

The Russian replies “Nyet. I found a boot”

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

"Proud Boys" should change their name, to avoid being tied to PRIDE events...

... to something like "Reigning Men."

Upon being caught in a lie, my boss ask me, "Who's stupid, me or you?".

I told him he doesn't hire stupid people.

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