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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too unamerican..

..but honestly I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A man was recently arrested after being found hiding in a wardrobe.

When the police asked him what he was doing there, he said ‘Narnia business’.

I'm going to work on being less condescending.

Condescending means to talk down to people.

What’s the worst thing about being a birthday cake?

After you are set on fire, you are eaten by the hero that saved you.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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Being a male pornstar takes a ton of dedication

No matter what you’re always working hard

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

This Facebook & Instagram being down is so frustrating

I had to drive to 30 different peoples houses to find out what they had for dinner and to find out why COVID is fake.

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name after surviving being attacked by a lion?

He's now called Claud.

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

Is being a car crusher operator a dangerous job?

No, became they are never under pressure.

I’m done being a people pleaser

If everyone’s ok with that

Maybe I'm just being overtly suspicious

But it seemed somewhat dubious to me when I saw a hole in the side of the Sperm Bank building, with the sign over it labeled "Night Deposit"?

Being unemployed is horrible.

I never thought I'd lose my job as a psychic.

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

Being a stand-up comedian with a humiliation kink

makes it really hard being on stage while people laugh at me.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

What is the difference between being vegan and having Covid 19 ?

With Covid the loss of taste is only temporary..

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job

but at least it puts food on the table

Local Man Killed After Being Struck By Lightning

Statement from police: he would have been fine if he had stopped resisting

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

Would anyone be interested in being my companion?

Asking for a friend

Just the other day I was walking down the street when I saw a man being attacked by three masked men, so I had no other choice but to step in.

He didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

if a girl is being nice to you it doesn't mean she is flirting

She might be a Canadian

There's nothing wrong with being left-handed

But, there's nothing right about it either.

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

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The local community was being to believe the new teacher was grooming their kids

They were pissed to find all baby goats in town with a perm and a fresh trim.

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There was a guy whose sexual fetish was being harshly sentenced in court, so he committed a crime and was arrested and went to court.

The Judge let him go with no charges, said he's not getting off that easy.

I can't stand being around pulleys...

They are always the center of a tension.

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

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My wife complains about constantly being sexually harassed at work

I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn’t like it

Scientists say the world's largest organism is slowly being eaten

But I didn't see any bite marks on your mom

What’s the best part about being an orphan?

Every bag of chips is family sized

Why do apples avoid being seen with Martha Stewart?

to avoid suspicion of in-cider trading

I wish I could be dumb for one day...

...being dumb everyday simply sucks!

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

If being stupid came with pain, all hospitals would be full.

Oh, wait...

People think I don't care about my own well-being because I smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol...

That's not true at all! I just happen to like cigarettes and alcohol. I'll have a cigarette and a beer at the same time, but I'll still be wearing my seatbelt while I do it.

What did the scared cow say before being murdered?

**This is terror bull**

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Being constipated sucks

Worst part is you can't do shit about it

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody ca...

Breaking news: a pygmy shaman is being pursued by the authorities

That's right be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

It dawned on me that I was being taken for granite

as I overheard my kidnappers negotiating my release for a set of quality countertops.

I tried being a hairdresser but I was terrible at it

So I opened a Cap store outside too

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My wife didn’t understand why the Umbrella salesman was being so vague.

I had to remind her it’s a shady business.

The Eternals are the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe

They were the only team powerful enough to destroy the franchise

What is the benefit of being a test tube baby?

Having a womb with a view.

You won't believe the reason Eminem stopped being antivax and decided to get the Johnson & Johnson vaccine!!

You only get one shot.

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial, I was released due to a lack of evidence.

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Success is like being pregnant.

Everyone says congratulations, but nobody knows how many times you got fucked.

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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𝗧𝘄𝗼 𝗻𝗮𝗸𝗲𝗱 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗯𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲

There were two statues standing in the park.

One of a naked man, and one of a naked women.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells the...

Being Cremated...

...Is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face...

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

I've stopped being funny ever since that accident

The doctors said I lost my humerus

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My wife told me I was being inmature.

I told her to get the fuck out of my fort.

What's the best thing about being Joe Biden?

Waking up every day and learning that you're the president.

A policeman stops a car after suspecting the driver of being heavily drunk

Officer: how high are you ?
The driver: no officer , it's " hi , how are you?"

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

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