People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"

People often say my vocabulary is limited

And I always just reply “what?”

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

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How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

I don't often tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

I often tell people I have Imposter Syndrome

But I'm sure they can tell I'm lying.

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?

Every udder day

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

How often do scientists check the table of elements?

Periodically

One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"

The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."

Bigfoot often gets mistaken for Sasquatch

Yeti never complains.

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

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I often wish my wife would use her hands a little bit more during sex.

She wouldn't get so many carpet burns on her face.

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

People often ask me which Frankfurt I'm from...

The Main one or the Oder one.

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are..

..but I laugh more.

Our neighbors dog would often play the piano

His Bach was worse than his bite

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

I often say il mondo to my Italian friends

it means the world to them

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

I just learned about the pharaoh who did not fart very often

Toot Uncommon.

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen

More at 11

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

People often see a light at the end of a tunnel in many near-death experiences

They should really get off of the road

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

I often have wet dreams...

of becoming a scuba diver.

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

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A friend asked me how often my wife and I have sex, I respond "Almost every day".

Almost on Monday.

Almost on Tuesday.

Almost on Wednesday.

Almost on Thursday.

Almost of Friday.

Almost on Saturday.

Almost on Sunday.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

How often do you make chemistry jokes?

Periodically

What Hangs At A Man's Thigh And Wants To Poke The Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key.

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

TIL that Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suffered from a debilitating bowel condition that would often result in him soiling himself unexpectedly.

However, it was impossible for him to tell when he had had an accident, and lived in a perpetual state of both being soiled and unsoiled simultaneously.

This became known as Schrodinger's Scat.

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"

It’s often thought that 13 is an unlucky number.

However, to many Americans, the unluckiest number is 45.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

How often does planes crashes happen?

Just once

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

I often say to myself...

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

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My friend told me I talk about shit way too often

After realizing he was right, I told him that I do do that

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Because they often have to draw blood!

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

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How often does an Amish woman have sex?

Three Mennonite.

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Two men are making breakfast...

Two men are making breakfast. As one is buttering the toast, he says, “Did you ever notice that if you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?”

The second guy says, “No, I bet it just seems that way because it’s so unpleasant to clean up the mess when it lands butter side dow...

People are often shocked to find out...

that I’m a terrible electrician...

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" Th...

I wish my wife was more like reddit.

It goes down so often.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

I often wonder why hurricanes have names like Andrew, Elisa, Katrina, Dorian, Irma

Name a hurricane: Death Megatron 2000, they'll automatically evacuate from their

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath

and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the o...

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

I've often wanted to drown my troubles...

But, I just can't get my wife to go swimming.

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

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Dating is often like boxing...

You have to go for your weight class.

I often confuse weasels, polecats, stoats and ferrets

It turns out that they're just not very good at riddles.

immigrants are often doing work, which no one else wants to do

for example Melania Trump

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

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As a hassid I often get asked if it's true that we only have sex through a hole in a sheet?

But I get confused - how would it work without the hole?

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

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I often browse r/Jokes while on the toilet

Just for shits and giggles

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

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A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

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Dick is often used to shorten the Name Richard. How does one get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

Why do kids get bloody noses more often than adults?

Sharpe fingernails!

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

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Once there was a man who went to the bar often.

He would always come home drunk, and his girlfriend had enough of it. One night, after the man had come home (drunk, of course), his girlfriend said "If you come home drunk *one more time*, I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

The next night, the man goes to the bar, and after a few hours of...

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"

My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.

We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart...

World's oldest joke found in a 10th century book of anglo-saxon poetry :

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that's it's often poked before?

A key....

I often find that redditors and bats are very similar,

they both live in echo chambers.

A doctor and Veterinarian are sitting at a bar after a long day of work.

After a couple beers the Veterinarian turns to the doctor and says:

“You know I thought about becoming a doctor instead of going to vet school. How is it?”

The doctor replies:

“It’s not so bad. The hours are long and the work is exhausting, but the pay is good, you’re an appreci...

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

...I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

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