I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

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4 guys were discussing how often they have sex.

1: "I have sex with my wife only once a week"

2: "I have sex 2-3 times a week"

3: "I have sex 4 or 5 times. Sometimes even 6 times if she's feeling like it"

4: "I have sex every day of the week"

1: "Really? But you're single."

4: "Wait, weren't we talking about hav...

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

I would donate blood more often, but I'm embarrassed about all the personal questions they ask

Like "who's blood is this?" and "how did you get so much?"

My Girlfriend said that sleeping with me is not enjoyable for her because I often get distracted.

Well guess I better get back to it then.

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

There is one thing I cannot repeat often enough:

I hate redundancy.

I often ask myself questions, such as "Where did we come from?", "Why am I here?", "Where am I going?"

"Am I a terrible Uber driver?"

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

One of my friends told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

How often are women grumpy and irritable?


Why do topology students get caught trespassing so often?

They can't seem to understand the difference between open and closed

My therapist asked me: "How often do you do things just for the attention?"

"Well," I replied. "How many people are going to hear my answer?"

Why do platypuses get robbed so often?

Because they always have big bills on them.

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I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

Because they are always being cooped up.

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Why does Putin often forget to wear a shirt?

Because he's always Russian.

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

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I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

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A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

How often should you tell chemistry jikes?


My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

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Having sex often keeps your memory sharp.

With that, I wish you all a productive 2015!

People often use fiction to escape into the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems as them.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

Comedians are often sad clowns

Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

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I asked a friend of mine how often he changes positions during sex...

...he replied “zero, if anything changing positions gives them a chance to escape!”

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

I often sit and say to myself,

"I'm so glad that cloning machine worked!"

Do you want to know how often i say element jokes?


My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

What question does a philosophy major ask most often?

Do you want fries with that?

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

Teens these days often forget to practice safe eating

Always use condiments

Woman often ask me "whats the quickest way into a mans heart?"

I often find a big knife does the trick

Doctors who don't circumcise are often seen as inadequate

They just don't cut it

Im dyslexic, I often get my my b's and d's mixed up...

My uncle has a similar problem, he gets his 1's and 2's mixed up. He can't distinguish between "12" and "21". The difference between us is that He's in prison.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often.

He reigns from above.

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As a female trying to break into the music industry I am often asked how I will know I have 'made it'. I figure it's when I'm invited to come on something like Saturday Night Live...

or John Mayer

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

Two elderly women are talking about their failing love lives. "So how often are you getting it now, Doris?" asks Mabel. "Oh, I like it infrequently these days!" replies Doris.

Mabel asks, "Is that one word or two?"

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?


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They say that men who have anal sex more often are happier

But from what I've noticed they're still fucking assholes

I try to limit how often I make homeopathy jokes

That just makes them stronger.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

I don’t put orange in my beer very often

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

Why do you have to change diapers and politicians so often?

Both for the same reason.

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Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having sex much more often.

My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

Why do fences often surround cemetries?

Because everybody is dying to get in.

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe.

So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

Many people who appear to be cool ,often struggle with feelings of inadequecy . But not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

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People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

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I was often bullied as a kid for having the name Jason Butt

So the second I turned 18 I legally changed it to *James* Butt

Creationist have often made me question evolution

But probably not in the way they think

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why is Scientology often brought up when talking about quack religions?

It's a cult classic

Not sure if this has been told before

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

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As an American in Britain, I often get corrected for the way I spell. But to those people I only have one thing to say...

Fuck u

My entire life, I've often been told that it's always better to have a plan...

Except, apparently, when it comes to murder. Then somehow its worse; or so the judge tells me.

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Marvel should really use hulk more often for advertisement

After all he is just a giant banner

How often did the architect have to put long narrow paths in his blueprints?


People are often really surprised by the quality of tattoos available in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision.

I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...

He’d probably be the oldest person alive.

People often ask what I do at the teddy bear factory.

Just stuff.

I often get the order wrong...

What do I have in common with an incompetent fry cook?

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If a vegetarian often eats vegetables, then

a humanitarian? Oh crap!

Why do cows often have bells around their necks?

Because their horns don't work

What starts with an E, ends with an E, but often only has one letter?

An Envelope

What did the epileptic vegetarian often have for dinner?

Seizure salad...

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People often complain I wouldn't appreciate their opinion.

If you ask me, this is always bullshit.

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