How often should you tell chemistry jokes?


I say "mucho" to my hispanic friends often.

It means a lot to them.

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

I'm a bit like a mouse - women who see me are often repulsed.

They also find me secretly living in their home.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?"

The horse replies "no I don't think I am" and vanishes out of existence.
See the joke is about Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Why does the Dalai Lama go to Vegas so often?

He loves Tibet.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are…

But I laugh more.

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

Did you know Ghandi didn't wear shoes and often fasted?

Walking barefoot all the time hardened his feet, but hunger weakened his body and made his breath smell terrible.

In fact, you could say he was a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

Since most jokes are reposts I may was well go with the oldest known joke in English from the 10th Century.

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

A group of girls named Karen, Jane and Ruth often hang out. What are Karen and Jane like by themselves?

Completely Ruthless

I often say to myself…

I can't believe that cloning machine worked!

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

Why are the wealthy often overweight?

Because of their four chins

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes

But when I do, he usually laughs

I often ask myself questions, such as "Where did we come from?", "Why am I here?", "Where am I going?"

"Am I a terrible Uber driver?"

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People often wonder why my wife divorced me

One day we were having sex and I told her she’s the only one I’ve ever been with. She said “awwwww” until I told her the others were nine’s and tens..

My Girlfriend said that sleeping with me is not enjoyable for her because I often get distracted.

Well guess I better get back to it then.

I have a friend called Fred who changes his name as often as he changes his shirt.....

..... he’s always been called Fred and he stinks.

I often act out the names of places that I visit.

For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

I would donate blood more often, but I'm embarrassed about all the personal questions they ask

Like "who's blood is this?" and "how did you get so much?"

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With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

What is inside a man's pants and wants to poke the hole it's often poked before?

A key

You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.

Yesterday my friend told me I “ often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful to say and it completely ruined our bath.

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

Why are nipple pasties often in the shape of stars?

To make the milky way.

Often, people use fiction as an escape. They live vicariously through the lives of people who don't have to deal with the same problems that they do.

For instance, whenever my parents are fighting, I like to read Batman comics.

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"How often do you have sex a month, roughly?

"About ten times"

"And how often gently?"

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

There is one thing I cannot repeat often enough:

I hate redundancy.

How often are women grumpy and irritable?


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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Why do topology students get caught trespassing so often?

They can't seem to understand the difference between open and closed

How often do experts say you should listen to Bob Marley?


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My therapist asked me: "How often do you do things just for the attention?"

"Well," I replied. "How many people are going to hear my answer?"

Why do platypuses get robbed so often?

Because they always have big bills on them.

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I often sleep like a baby

that is, not very much with various fits of crying and pooping.

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A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution.

On his w...

So a man says to Steve Irwin “How often do alligators mate?”

Steve asked: “How often do they what?”
Man: “mate”
Steve: “what?”

Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

Because they are always being cooped up.

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I know this guy who constantly tells jokes about how often he craps his pants

Self-defecating humor

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

How often do Muslims pray?

Allah time!

My friend Mike is way better with women than I am. When he asks, “You come here often?” he gets her number.

But when I ask it, I get kicked out of the abortion clinic.

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

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Having sex often keeps your memory sharp.

With that, I wish you all a productive 2015!

My new years resolution was to hit the gym more often.

But I'm on my fourth car this year now. This is getting kind of expensive and I think the police are suspicious.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

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My Wife says I'm too distracted, that I should be in the moment more often.

So I nicknamed her vagina "The Moment".

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I asked a friend of mine how often he changes positions during sex...

...he replied “zero, if anything changing positions gives them a chance to escape!”

My preist suggested I come to church more often.

He's a real pain in the ass.

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

Do you want to know how often i say element jokes?


Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

As the youngest kid I often got beat by the two oldest.

Mom and Dad.

If you were an owl how often would you check your back?

Owl the time

People often complain about the way I drive on icy roads

They're all like, "Why don't you golf somewhere else?"

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

What question does a philosophy major ask most often?

Do you want fries with that?

I don't really cook meat that often

But when I do, it's usually very rare

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

Woman often ask me "whats the quickest way into a mans heart?"

I often find a big knife does the trick

How often did the Asian cow go to the gym?


Comedians are often sad clowns

Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.

Teens these days often forget to practice safe eating

Always use condiments

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

Doctors who don't circumcise are often seen as inadequate

They just don't cut it

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Im dyslexic, I often get my my b's and d's mixed up...

My uncle has a similar problem, he gets his 1's and 2's mixed up. He can't distinguish between "12" and "21". The difference between us is that He's in prison.

People often tell me I have no willpower or self-control

Rubbish I say. I've quit smoking loads of times

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As a female trying to break into the music industry I am often asked how I will know I have 'made it'. I figure it's when I'm invited to come on something like Saturday Night Live...

or John Mayer

Two elderly women are talking about their failing love lives. "So how often are you getting it now, Doris?" asks Mabel. "Oh, I like it infrequently these days!" replies Doris.

Mabel asks, "Is that one word or two?"

The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often.

He reigns from above.

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They say that men who have anal sex more often are happier

But from what I've noticed they're still fucking assholes

I’ve often wondered why Chinese people prefer open-coffin funerals...

But I guess seeing is bereaving.

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

When I do the gardening, I alphabetise my herbs, people often ask how I find the time.

I respond with "Easy, Thyme is right between the Tarragon and Turmeric"

Why do fences often surround cemetries?

Because everybody is dying to get in.

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed.

Because ice cream.

I try to limit how often I make homeopathy jokes

That just makes them stronger.

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Ever since my wife has been seeing a therapist, we're having sex much more often.

My wife says it's because the therapist has helped her appreciate the little things in life.

I don’t put orange in my beer very often

Except maybe once in a Blue Moon

Fat girl goes to the doctors and asks advice on how to lose weight Doctor says just shake your head, Girl says how often do I do this?? Doctor replied:

Every time someone offers you food..

Why do you have to change diapers and politicians so often?

Both for the same reason.

Many people who appear to be cool ,often struggle with feelings of inadequecy . But not me.

I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

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I often find myself walking behind various girls while I'm going about my day and I'm always concerned I'm making them feel unsafe.

So I like to remind myself not to walk like a rapist.

I find this works much better if I don't say it out loud.

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People often ask me what’s the difference between being a Jew and being Jewish. If you’re a Jew, you’re born into the ethnicity, and you probably practice the religion. If you’re just religious, you’re only kind of a Jew

You’re Jew*ish*.

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I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

Creationist have often made me question evolution

But probably not in the way they think

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