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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are..

..but I laugh more.

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

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The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

I often say il mondo to my Italian friends

it means the world to them

I wish people would kick the bucket more often

Would sure make Charlie and the Chocolate Factory more interesting

When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen

More at 11

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

Why did the amphetamine addict have to clean his room so often?

He wath a methy perthon.

I often say to myself...

“I can’t believe that cloning machine worked!”

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

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How often does an Amish woman have sex?

Three Mennonite.

I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.

It’s often thought that 13 is an unlucky number.

However, to many Americans, the unluckiest number is 45.

How often does planes crashes happen?

Just once

I often have to break into song.

The keys are so well hidden.

How often do you make chemistry jokes?

Periodically

People are often shocked to find out...

that I’m a terrible electrician...

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"

How often does a Smurf change his pants?

Once in a blue moon.

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People often act like a cock and balls is all one unit

But there's actually a vas deferens between them.

immigrants are often doing work, which no one else wants to do

for example Melania Trump

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My friend told me I talk about shit way too often

After realizing he was right, I told him that I do do that

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How often does a poo come out in one piece?

About one turd of the time.

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As a hassid I often get asked if it's true that we only have sex through a hole in a sheet?

But I get confused - how would it work without the hole?

Hens were often used in the Revolutionary War to identify colonists that were loyal to the Crown.

You never learned about chicken-catch-a-Tory?

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Dating is often like boxing...

You have to go for your weight class.

I often wonder why hurricanes have names like Andrew, Elisa, Katrina, Dorian, Irma

Name a hurricane: Death Megatron 2000, they'll automatically evacuate from their

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.

People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theatres

Let's just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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Once there was a man who went to the bar often.

He would always come home drunk, and his girlfriend had enough of it. One night, after the man had come home (drunk, of course), his girlfriend said "If you come home drunk *one more time*, I'm leaving you and taking the kids."

The next night, the man goes to the bar, and after a few hours of...

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Did you know people in Alabama often have sex with clocks?

It's because time is relative.

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I often browse r/Jokes while on the toilet

Just for shits and giggles

I often confuse weasels, polecats, stoats and ferrets

It turns out that they're just not very good at riddles.

I often find that redditors and bats are very similar,

they both live in echo chambers.

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

Have you heard of the often repeated story of the monkey whose tail got kicked twice?

It is a twice toed tail

I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.

"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

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Dick is often used to shorten the Name Richard. How does one get Dick from Richard?

You ask him nicely

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:

“While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it”

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

Why do pirates often have an eyepatch, a hook or wooden leg?

They can afford healthcare.

I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"

My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

My job always gets me wet. I occasionally do it standing up, but often do it while laying on my back. Men call me for help when they don’t want to do the job themselves. What am I?

A plumber.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

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I was asked" How often do you have sex?"

Almost everyday. Almost on Sunday. Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Etc. Etc.

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In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

I often used to jokingly say that there are too many people, we need a new plague.

This current one is just not working.

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

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My therapists tell me that I often show a sign of distrust.

I don't think so.

How often do scientists like to joke about elements?

Periodically

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Fact

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence, often goes undetected.

I don’t often tell dad jokes.

He’s pretty deaf and I have to repeat them a lot. It’s really frustrating to repeat jokes and it just never is funny the second let alone third time I tell it. I think he has dementia too.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says “You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am..” and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line “I think therefore I am” but if I had explained that...

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

Little people are often referred to as dwarves...

...but that's a misgnomer

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So this guys goes to the doctor because he is often delirious

The doctor says;

“Listen, take this syringe, go home, and inject some anti-bacterial dish soap RIGHT into your veins”

The guys says “Ok” then goes home and does exactly that.

The next day he returns and says “Doctor, i did what you said, and it made my penis shrivel into a lit...

What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal?

Me. It’s me.

So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....

....He sits down next to her and says “So...do I come here often?”

So a few days ago Donald Trump decided to go campaign in Florida.

He wanted to make sure he gets the Floridian vote. So he went to a home for senior citizens - what they call a home for assisted living.

As we walked in, he encountered what looked like a 95 year old woman and he looks at her and says, "Do you know who I am?"

And she says, "Son, I don...

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

My dog was having trouble barking so I took him to the vet and they said they don't see it very often but he had swallowed a wedding ring...

...they called it a diamond in the ruff.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

Did you know that music is often used to help advance in the fermentation of cheese.

The most popular genre in use today is R & Brie.

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I wrote this one a few years ago

A priest, Father John Mclanahan is walking down the street when he bumps into an old friend, Rabbi John Goldman. They haven’t seen each other since college. They happen to be heading to the same part of town, so they decide to walk together and catch up on old times. They reminisce about their frien...

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Some people claim that cosmetics often contain small traces of manure.

I believe that's bullshit.

Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?

... it’s a little gnome fact

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The latest studies show the most often used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position

The husband sits up and begs...

And the wife rolls over and plays dead.

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When a man is trying to take a decision it is often a struggle between his head and his heart

... then his penis walks in and says,


“Relax Guys! I got this”

Politicians and diapers must be changed often,

and mostly for the same reason...



They're full of sh\*t.

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i often feel sad when i see my dick

it’s hard to not look down on the little guy

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

...I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer...

I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons

What Disney princess often has to go to the bathroom?

Tinklebell

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

I reap what I sow

People often ask me how to get more karma.

I replied: Piece of cake

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

When people suffering from baldness go abroad, they often fly on...

..Receeding Airline.

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

I don't write dates often...

...but when I do, it's definitely still 2019.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

"The problem with quotes found on the internet is that they are often not true"

- Abraham Lincoln

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

People often tell me "There is more than one way to skin a cat"

But no one is ready to show me even one way

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I'm into group sex, but often confuse the names of the women.

Nvm, Sharon is Karen.

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A Blonde takes her car to the mechanic

While the mechanic is fiddling with the engine the blonde comes over and asks him if he knows what is wrong.

He replies: "Shit in the carburetor"

She replies: "Okay how often do I need to do that?"

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

Did you know Ghandi didn't wear shoes and often fasted?

Walking barefoot all the time hardened his feet, but hunger weakened his body and made his breath smell terrible.

In fact, you could say he was a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

Celebs at the Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth II and Dolly Parton are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter approaches and greets them.

He says "Greetings! It's not often that we have such women of notoriety join us at the same time! However we're swamped today and can only let one of you through, so you're going to...

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Soliciting a prostitute often causes temporary blindness

All they do is flash and bang, after all.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

What do you call something that is often frequently taken but is not wanted most of the time?

Tests

I often get ignored or people generally don't notice me...

I always wanted to be like John Cena.

I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual.

At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

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