My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

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Sex and happiness

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office.



After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy s...

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

Roger was a simple man but everyone in town knew him.

For many decades he worked alone at his picture framing store, Abbott's Framing, which was on Main St. and he would often sit outside on a chair, chatting with many of the locals. One day old Roger passed away and they held his funeral under a big oak tree with a large framed picture of him sporting...

How often should you tell chemistry jokes?

Periodically.

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Camping in the woods

A group was out camping when one of them heard a faint voice. “Fire!” He looked around, but didn’t see any smoke. A few minutes later, a couple of them heard the voice, more urgent this time. “Fire!“

Even though they still didn’t see any smoke, they started following the voice. Every so often...

An investor wishes to purchase a cow

An investor wishes to purchase a cow from a farmer. When he visits the farm, the investor finds the farmer along with 2 cows- One black, one brown. The investor begins to ask the farmer about the cows.

"So how often do you feed them?"

"The black one? Or the brown one?" asks the farmer....

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

Greatest truck driver in the world - mild nsfw

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world, he could take that truck places that shouldn't be possible.

One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossible to see ...

What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.

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A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

So, joe biden walks into a bar and sees a hot, young woman sitting alone at a table....

Hey there, do I come here often?

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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A few men are waiting in line for ice cream

It was a beautiful sunny day and while the sun stayed shining it began to rain (something that doesn't happen that often)

An old white man at the front of the line turns back to everyone else and says

"Here in America we used to say "The devil's been beatin' his wife" when the weather ...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on an airplane

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom... so the man stands up to let her out. She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom. She re...

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

Why does Elon Musk get divorced so often?

Because he can't stand unions of any kind.

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It's a good idea to know a couple wankers in your life.

They often come in handy.

Drink jet fuel

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can...

Accordion to a recent study...

Replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected,

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What did Chris Farley say when he found out Norm MacDonald was coming to Heaven?

Well La-di-freakin-da!


R.I.P. Norm. Ill miss you greatly. As a GenX kid growing up in the 80s & 90s you bought me lots of laughs, and made my shitty life a little better. Thanks so much.

And Chris, you're still missed, referenced, and thought of often. And again thanks for all ...

A man goes to pray to a statue of an angel at his church

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then at least twice a day, if not more often, he goes to church, kneels for the statue and prays:

"Please, please, please, let me win the lottery"

Then, after years of this, a miracle! The statue springs to life in an aura of ligh...

Bleeder

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor a...

People often accuse me of being "a plagiarist."

Their words, not mine...

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Here's a joke told to me by my ancient high school band director in rural Oklahoma many years ago

Mr. Band Director loved to tell the story of how his ancestors came to settle in Oklahoma during the days of pioneers, covered wagons, and frequent, often bloody misunderstandings with the local natives.

One day his great-grandfather was leading the conestogas when off in the distance he hear...

My girlfriend is a very jealous and vain woman. She often comments about how much prettier she is than my ex. Finally I told her, "Yeah! Of course you're prettier. I traded UP!"

"So imagine how gorgeous the next one's gonna be!"

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"

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Bosnian joke for ya'

Judgment day comes and big hole in ground opens. And angels tell people to jump in it and they will be judged for their sins. First comes English guy, jumps in a hole, and in darkness he feels Jesus taking his hand "My son, tell me your sins" Jesus says. "I'm sorry Jesus, I was a sinner, I cursed yo...

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A public masturbator finds someone else jerking off in his usual spot

“So uhh… you cum here often?”

People often overlook one of the greatest military advantages that Hannibal had when crossing the Alps...

The elephant of supplies.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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Two men are making breakfast...

Two men are making breakfast. As one is buttering the toast, he says, “Did you ever notice that if you drop a piece of toast, it always lands butter side down?”

The second guy says, “No, I bet it just seems that way because it’s so unpleasant to clean up the mess when it lands butter side dow...

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It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath

and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.


The next morning the o...

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.

We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart...

I wish my wife was more like reddit.

It goes down so often.

A doctor and Veterinarian are sitting at a bar after a long day of work.

After a couple beers the Veterinarian turns to the doctor and says:

“You know I thought about becoming a doctor instead of going to vet school. How is it?”

The doctor replies:

“It’s not so bad. The hours are long and the work is exhausting, but the pay is good, you’re an appreci...

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Because they often have to draw blood!

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How I got banned from the strip club for giving a tip. (Long story)

I saw this patron at the club often buying a hundred pack of one dollar bills.

He would break open the pack and toss them all up in the air and shout **"Let it Rain"**

All the girls would scramble to pick up all the money and all you saw was ass and titts eveywhere for about 20 second...

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

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Busted axle

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroo...

My dentist told me to open up

I told him I often have trouble putting people's words into context.

He said he can tell.

World's oldest joke found in a 10th century book of anglo-saxon poetry :

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that's it's often poked before?

A key....

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A church needed a new bell ringer

A church needed a new bell ringer, so the priest placed a want ad in the local paper. Soon, a man showed up to apply for the job.

The priest, on seeing that the man had no arms, said, "My son, I'm afraid there is no way for you to do this job."

"Father, I really need this job, and I'm...

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

After retirement, Bob aged 65 married a young 25 year old woman..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm eager to meet you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

His friends advised him : Keep a young lodger at home, your wife will be happy in the company of a younger p...

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

Engineers and managers on train

(obligatory, English is my second language, so expect some mistakes)

Group of engineers and managers are going to a conference and they're travelling by train. Managers bought one ticket each while whole engineers group has single ticket. Managers laught at them for not planning properly, bu...

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Am i gay?

While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, ”are you gay?” and that she’s worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my s...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

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I was telling my friend in the pub about how I was having sex with this woman and she farted.

"I imagine that doesn't happen very often," he replied.

"No," I joked, "I didn't even know women did it."

He said, "I wasn't referring to that part."

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II. Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with it o...

I often tell people I have Imposter Syndrome

But I'm sure they can tell I'm lying.

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

Tables turned

We got a new dog. We named him Jesus, and he gets loose often. Occasionally I'll knock on my Mormon neighbors door just to ask if _they've_ found Jesus.

How often do scientists check the table of elements?

Periodically

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Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

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When God created man, all of the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The Brain said that since he controlled the body that he should be boss.

The Eyes said that without them man would be helpless, they should be boss.

The Legs said that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.

The Stomach said that since it digested the ...

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

Doctor: how often do you exercise? Me: 3 times Doctor: A week? A month?

Me: I have given my answer

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How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

Bigfoot often gets mistaken for Sasquatch

Yeti never complains.

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room....

and said to himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel this bad."

A salutary lesson

Certain related tribes in sub-Saharan Africa often raided each other's villages when most folk were herding animals. Sometimes they would take vegetables and water, but more often taking little things, to gently mock each other. It was all in good fun. After a successful raid, the "winning" tribe ...

A woman goes to hospital

Woman: Doctor, how can I lose weight?

Doc: All you have to do is to move your head from left to right and then from right to left

Woman: How often?

Doc: Every single time they offer you food

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

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I often wish my wife would use her hands a little bit more during sex.

She wouldn't get so many carpet burns on her face.

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

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A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it’s running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a “cross-dressing weirdo”.

I went for a job interview

And at the end they asked me, “So, last question: what would you say is your worst quality?”

“Worst quality?”, I replied, “well I’ve been told that I often jump to conclusions...”

“Hmm, ok. Well, thanks very much for coming in, we’ll be in touch”

“No problem! See you Monday!”

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.

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A lady brought her car into my shop the other day

It had a rough idle. I adjusted and cleaned the carburetor. Called the lady to come pick it up, and when she got there she asked what was going on. I said "shit in the carb". She said "how often do I need to do that?"

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

I wish my cereal didn't get soggy so fast.

But Life is often disappointing.

How often do Jamaican farmers milk their cows?

Every udder day

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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"

The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."

The barbershop finally opened again in the Netherlands!

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

In a nursing home...

Lucy & Diane were in Lucy's bedroom.

Diane: "We're eating mashed potatoes & noodle soup tonight"

Lucy: "meh, i'm so tired of eating soft mushy things"

Diane: "But we don't eat soft things THAT often..."

At that moment, Lucy's boyfriend Henry barged into the room a...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

People often ask me which Frankfurt I'm from...

The Main one or the Oder one.

Life...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England.

My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients.

One night a woman brought a pork pie to the ki...

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

I just learned about the pharaoh who did not fart very often

Toot Uncommon.

Oon of Aspay

There was once a town named “Aspay.” This was a small town with a few local businesses, but the pride of the town was its train station. Now, I know a train station seems like a strange thing to take pride in, but this train station was special. For one, it was kept absolutely spotless. It always wa...

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

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Paddy's wife bought a pair of crutch-less knickers.

In an attempt to spice up her and her hubby's sex life.

She put them on with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.

Every so often she would uncross her legs enough times till her husband noticed.

Husband: Are you wearing crotch-less panties.?

Her: Yes sh...

This is a joke my dad told me a few days ago...

A mother calls her son because she is having problems with her car. He comes over and asks what the problem is.

M: I don't know why, but everytime I go to get groceries, by the time I get to the store there is this horrible smell in the car.

S: Well let's drive to the store and let's s...

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John and the parrot

John brought home a parrot as his pet. He taught the bird how to speak, and was amazed at its learning pace. Being a quick learner, the parrot started picking up words from its surroundings and would keep John entertained.

All was lovely and peaceful until one fine day, the parrot started usi...

A blonde is walking past a pasture

Being curious about various farm animals and seeing a farmer nearby she asks him "How come those cows don't have horns? I thought cows have horns." Farmer, happy to explain the situation to polite woman nods and says "You see miss, we often remove horns from cows. That way they don't get into accide...

Do you know Chinese people have very bad knees?

When they meet each other, they often ask: "knee how?"

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A lady I often chat with at the grocery store was ringing up my groceries asked my how things are going

I told her that it was a bit of a rough patch because my start-up business wasn't doing so well. She expressed some sympathy as it's pretty rough times right now, and asked me what my business was.

See, I'd done some research of nutrient quality in various fertilizers and I'd determined that ...

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A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."

Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."

When the President came by the...

What do you call a musical garden figure who often rides the subway?

A metrognome.

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

What's the difference between a cop and a hermit crab?

A cop ejects shells much more often

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what? "At that point I would h...

People often see a light at the end of a tunnel in many near-death experiences

They should really get off of the road

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

Our neighbors dog would often play the piano

His Bach was worse than his bite

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving



I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

What Hangs At A Man's Thigh And Wants To Poke The Hole It's Often Poked Before?

A key.

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