UPJOKE
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Often Jokes

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’
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I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.
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Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.
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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."
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As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
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People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.
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Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
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My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...
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What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often?

Half a horse.
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My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.
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I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."


The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"


I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
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People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…
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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

How often do airplanes crash?

Just once.
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I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.
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I often say “car park” around my american friends.

It means a lot to them.
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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

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I often read a joke

and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Post'.

As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees.

I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.
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What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

A Key.

Since we’re posting old jokes….
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Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.
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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Often i see people my age out there climbing mountains and ziplining..

and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without loosing my balance.
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The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.
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My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often

Well, he actually said I could have a stroke any time.

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”
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silence is often misquoted,

and still used against you.
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What’s the bone most often broken by heretics?

The blasfemur.
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The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.

What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

(Credit to Jason Manford)
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I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...
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I don't flirt with nuns very often...

... but now that I've met Sister Ruth, I'm confident I'd enjoy getting into the habit.
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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

How often is a chemistry joke posted on reddit?

Periodically.
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I once dated twins. People often asked how I told them apart.

Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.
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Are you and your wife having different opinions often?

Yes, but she doesn't know.
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People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
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How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.
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Cannibals are often viewed as cruel.

But really, there's a lot of human in them.
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Why do Hobbits eat so often?

They heard that you need 3^2 meals per day
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Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.
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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.
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Check your emails more often

Turns out my DNA ancestry results came back 100% Nigerian and I’ve been neglecting my royal prince cousin for years
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When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.
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People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.
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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship
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You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"
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Husband:”we should have sex more often!”

Wife:”But we have sex almost every day!”
Husband: “Almost every day??? How’s that???”
Wife: “ Well, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday….”

What do you call it when you linger too often at a Tibetan sandwich shop?

A daily dilli-dallie at the Dalai Deli.

I’ll show myself out now.
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Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.
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How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically
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If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.
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Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!
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In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel....

It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.
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I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.
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People often ask me if anything is worn under my kilt...

I tell them "No, nothing's worn. Everything is in fine working order!"
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I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.
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In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting
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Why is it often easier to pose questions in the third person?

Asking for a friend...
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How often do I make chemistry jokes?

Periodically. I made one yesterday, but it had no reaction.
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An arrogant man who often judged others for the slightest misdeeds dies and finds himself waiting in heaven to be judged by god...

A man finds himself in a line to see "God". He can hear the conversations God has with each person as they reach the front of the line. Apparently the Lord is using a particular method to expedite coming up with proper punishments.

"No one knows your sins better than you my child, thus you sh...

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"
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People often say my vocabulary is limited

And I always just reply “what?”
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We optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic".

But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.
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LPT: When you wish on a star, often your wish will come true.

Usually because the star doesn't want the paparazzi to find out. Just name your price, and let them go back on stage, already!
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Why do harsh winters often catch people in Leicester by surprise?

Because the ice in Leicester is silent.
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What do you call someone who thinks that sex often lasts too long?

An inmate.

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

Bigfoot often gets mistaken for Sasquatch

Yeti never complains.
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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.
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I often get told "aim high"

I don't know though, my aim is better when I'm sober.
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I often say to myself....

"I can't believe that cloning machine worked!!!"
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I often worry about German sausages

Basically I fear the wurst.
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New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.
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My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.
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You should tip bakers often.

They really knead it.
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Why are flights with crows often delayed?

Because they bring a lot of extra carrion luggage.
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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

Did you know Ghandi didn't wear shoes and often fasted?

Walking barefoot all the time hardened his feet, but hunger weakened his body and made his breath smell terrible.

In fact, you could say he was a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis
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I often tell people I have Imposter Syndrome

But I'm sure they can tell I'm lying.
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I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"
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What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft
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Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember
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My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man
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How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.
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What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.
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I often wish I could just kill my boss

I'm self-employed
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What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand
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Our neighbors dog would often play the piano

His Bach was worse than his bite
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I often confuse weasels, polecats, stoats and ferrets

It turns out that they're just not very good at riddles.
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How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father

I mean, it's a little apparent.
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I don't write dates often...

...but when I do, it's definitely still 2019.
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People often ask me which Frankfurt I'm from...

The Main one or the Oder one.
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I don’t often tell dad jokes...

Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.







(originally posted by Hypochondriac912, got permission to repost on this day because it’s my dad’s death anniversary- been 15 years today)
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One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"

The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."
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The line "Do you come here often?"

Has a zero percent success rate at the abortion clinic.
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Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving?

Because they're dead.
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