The 116+ Best Often Jokes

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What is a profession that begins with “P”, is often criticised, and is known for fucking people and taking their money?

Politician.

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In the past, your last name often reflected your profession. Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.

So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Why do vegans often look miserable in photos?

They don’t like to say ‘cheese’

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Why do men fart more often than women?

Because women don't close their mouths long enough to build up the pressure.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

My first joke on reddit. Hope it hasn't been told too often

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. he told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
one foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.
the robber asked if anyone else had seen his face.
one customer, gazing ...

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.

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A doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realiz...

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"

I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

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My wife often uses the promise of sex as a way to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before?

A Key.

Since we’re posting old jokes….

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

What Has Two Legs and Bleeds Often?

Half a horse.

As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap patient's knees.

I dunno. I just get a kick out of it.

Companies that consider themselves modern often have a “diversity officer”. Why is that role always done by a woman?

Because it is cheaper.

I was told that if I fapped too often, that I’d grow hair on the palms of my hands.

That theory also explains why a lot of women get mustaches when they grow up.

The weather reporter at the crossfit gym was often mistaken for a physician.

People thought he was a meaty urologist.

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I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

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"As has often been noted, physics is to math what sex is to masturbation"

Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?"

Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

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My wife said we should hire a maid. "The job will get done a lot more often, and they'll do a way better job!"

Apparently "Should we hire a prostitute for the same reasons?" was the wrong answer.

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

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I often read a joke

and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny."

Then I press 'Post'.

I often wonder what my parents did to fill their time before the internet was invented...

I've asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they don't know either...

The theory goes, that surnames often come from the job of your ancestors.

What on earth did "Dickinson" do?!

(Credit to Jason Manford)

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

2 horses often get into a relationship, and then break up again. They also do repeat this cycle a lot

It isn'ta stable relationship

"Discussions about identity politics are often unproductive," said my friend.

"You're wrong," I replied. "Look at all the arguments, distrust and frustration they produce."

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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

What’s the bone most often broken by heretics?

The blasfemur.

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An arrogant man who often judged others for the slightest misdeeds dies and finds himself waiting in heaven to be judged by god...

A man finds himself in a line to see "God". He can hear the conversations God has with each person as they reach the front of the line. Apparently the Lord is using a particular method to expedite coming up with proper punishments.

"No one knows your sins better than you my child, thus you sh...

Passenger asked a flight attended “How often do planes crash?”

Flight attended “Just once.”

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

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My doctor encouraged me to masturbate more often

Well, he actually said I could have a stroke any time.

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I once dated twins. People often asked how I told them apart.

Lisa painted her fingernails purple and Bob had a cock.

Are you and your wife having different opinions often?

Yes, but she doesn't know.

You know how in restaurants they often ask you if you prefer bottled water or tap water?

In Flint, the waiter asks you, "Regular or Unleaded?"

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In my thesis, I was gonna prove that Brits often pronounce "th-" sounds as "f"

Turns out it was a shitty idea.

silence is often misquoted,

and still used against you.

What do you call it when you linger too often at a Tibetan sandwich shop?

A daily dilli-dallie at the Dalai Deli.

I’ll show myself out now.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

In the old West, a lantern was often mounted on a horse for night time travel....

It was thought to be the first generation of 'Saddle-Light-Navigation'.

Sawmill workers get injured less often than you might think.

At least they can count the incidents on their fingers.

I don't flirt with nuns very often...

... but now that I've met Sister Ruth, I'm confident I'd enjoy getting into the habit.

How often is a chemistry joke posted on reddit?

Periodically.

I say "mucho" to my hispanic friends often.

It means a lot to them.

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

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My doctor asked me how often I'm sexually active, and I told him that I have sex a number of times each week.

Zero is a number.

In the olden days, we would often cough to cover up a fart

Post-pandemic, it's now better to cover up a cough by farting

Why do Hobbits eat so often?

They heard that you need 3^2 meals per day

Cannibals are often viewed as cruel.

But really, there's a lot of human in them.

People often ask me if anything is worn under my kilt...

I tell them "No, nothing's worn. Everything is in fine working order!"

Why is it often easier to pose questions in the third person?

Asking for a friend...

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

LPT: When you wish on a star, often your wish will come true.

Usually because the star doesn't want the paparazzi to find out. Just name your price, and let them go back on stage, already!

How Often Do Planes Crash?

Once.

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

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Husband:”we should have sex more often!”

Wife:”But we have sex almost every day!”
Husband: “Almost every day??? How’s that???”
Wife: “ Well, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday….”

New jokes on this sub are often rated at the square root of -100

They would be a 10, but new jokes here are imaginary.

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What do you call someone who thinks that sex often lasts too long?

An inmate.

Check your emails more often

Turns out my DNA ancestry results came back 100% Nigerian and I’ve been neglecting my royal prince cousin for years

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You’ll often hear that performing oral sex on yourself is more like sucking a dick than getting your dick sucked. What they won’t tell you is at the moment of climax your top half’s instinct is to arch back while your bottom half’s instinct is to thrust forward

So anyway, I learned how to do a backflip

As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father

I mean, it's a little apparent.

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

Why do harsh winters often catch people in Leicester by surprise?

Because the ice in Leicester is silent.

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I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often

But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

SON: Dad, I'm not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem.

DAD: "Hi 'Not comfortable with how often you use humor to change the subect when I bring up your debilitaing drinking problem', I'm Dad".

We optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic".

But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

Often when I drink, I regret what I’ve said the next day

The rest of the time I don’t remember

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

How often should you season your food with something a bit spicier?

O-cajun-ally.

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Did you know people often call a group of multiple birds by certain names?

People call a group of chickens a Brood.

People call a group of Falcons a Cast.

People call a group of Seagulls “Fuck You!”

My Father often said, "Everything the light touches is yours."

It was a lovely sentiment, but he never paid the electric bill either.

I often worry about my attention span.

But never for long.

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How do you know when you're using your sex doll too often?

It develops a runny nose.

What is a skill most men have but women often don't?

Using a mouse with the left hand

Politicians and diapers need to be changed often...

For the same reasons.

My girlfriend is a very jealous and vain woman. She often comments about how much prettier she is than my ex. Finally I told her, "Yeah! Of course you're prettier. I traded UP!"

"So imagine how gorgeous the next one's gonna be!"

What’s red, smells, and is often picked in the garden?

I don’t know either, but my teacher got very angry when I said nose.

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees very often?

Because they are really good at it.

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I need to start cleaning my kitchen more often, if tonight's anything to go by.

By the time I found the salt, the slug had fucked off.

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A man goes to the doctor for a check up and is asked by the doctor, "how often do you have sex with your wife ?"

Man: Almost everyday.

Doctor: 2 or 3 times a week?

Man: no almost everyday, on sunday, almost, Monday, almost, yesterday almost ...

They say you shouldn't eat takeout too often because it makes you fat...

I think it's worth the weight.

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."

"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

How come the lawn of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?

Because of everybody pushing up the daisies

Did you know Ghandi didn't wear shoes and often fasted?

Walking barefoot all the time hardened his feet, but hunger weakened his body and made his breath smell terrible.

In fact, you could say he was a
super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis

What do mathematicians often ask themselves?

"Step-function, what are you doing?"

I asked an 747 pilot how often those things crash...

I once asked the pilot of a 747 as I was getting on, how often those things crash, he casually replied:

"Usaly just once"

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

When matter gets chilled it's often slows down to a stop

Does this imply the existence of a super chilled out version of my dad that doesn't beat me?

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My friend told me I talk about shit way too often

After realizing he was right, I told him that I do do that

One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"

The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

A guy makes spelling errors so often it's in his blood.

He's typo.

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Why do some people masturbate so often?

Because it cums in handy.

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

I used to be afraid of living alone all my life till I read even serial killers often had partners.

I'm glad there are precedents.

What company doesn't like people who get erections often?

Ubisoft

Bakeries often ask me to pose for promotional photos with their products.

Apparently I'm an excellent roll model

I often tell people I have Imposter Syndrome

But I'm sure they can tell I'm lying.

When I was 10 years old, I would often impersonate news anchormen

More at 11

I've often found that shoe salesmen make quite good detectives...

They always know when something is afoot.

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