UPJOKE

There Once Was A Jokes

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,

His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,

Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and n...

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle...

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' ...

There once was a man

From Cork who got limericks\
And haikus confused

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Kent

whose dick was so long that it bent.

So to save him some trouble,

he tucked it in double,

and so instead of coming, he went.



Do limericks count as jokes?

There once was a criminal that was so so fat...

That not even the police could surround him

There once was a boy named Nate.

There once was a boy named Nate. He lived across the street from a lever, that if it were to be pulled, the world would end.

One day, Nate was bored, so he decided to cross the street and check out this world-ending lever. However, on his way across the street, a truck came speeding down. ...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

There once was a woman named "Ninety"...

her parents couldn't think of a name for her so they just named her "ninety". eventually, ninety had children of her own. the kids were cheerful and playful. one day they asked their mother for a dog, which ninety replied, "no dogs!". saddened, the children simply resumed playing.

then one da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

There once was a man from Peru,

Whose limericks stopped at line two.

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

There once was a parade in honor of comrade Stalin's birthday

In the middle of the parade, Stalin had a great speech and everyone was saluting in silence.

While suddenly, Stalin heard a sneeze from the front rows. "Who was that?", he asks but there is no response.

"Confess or I execute everyone in the first row.", again no one spoke up. So Stalin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

There once was a pirate named Bates

Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There once was a cat that had 16 lives...

one day he got run over by a 4x4...and he died.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

There once was a soldier who's name was Dave

His men thought for sure he was very brave.

Dave's own platoon got ambushed once at war.

It was up to him to even the score.



One of his comrades gave out a wave

To signal some help from his great friend Dave.

A soldier got hit by a close grenade.

He ...

There once was a bee

He was a very charming and funny bee. But when he saw this beeutiful girl bee, he changed. He got shy when ever she was a around. He couldn’t look her in the eye, or even buzz a few words to her beefore feeling sick. Eventually, he realized that it wasn’t meant to bee, so he gave up on her. He retur...

there once was a...

There once was a community in which there where the squares and the "jokes". the "jokes" were actually circles but were a minority and were often laughed at and segregated in the community, so they were called "jokes". One circle had enough of the ridicule from the squares and wanted to become a squ...

There once was a gal named Lewinsky...

Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem ...

There once was a boy named Anonymous...

People always asked him if he wanted to change the name his parents gave him, to which he would always smile and reply,
"No, I wish to remain Anonymous."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from nantucket

I forgot how this goes so fuck it.

There once was a man in prison

Who performed his own circumcision

With cigarettes he paid

And got his own blade

What he shoulda bought was better precision.

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who decided to shit in a bucket

There was no reason why

It was all by the by

He just saw an opportunity and took it

There once was a little red man

Who lived in a little red house. One day the little red man was driving to his little red house in his little red car.

He opened his little red door and went into his little red room, took off his little red clothes and suddenly heard his little red doorbell ring.

So the little red man...

There once was a plumber from Lea

Who was plumbing a girl by the sea

She said "Stop with your plumbing, I think someone's coming!"

Said the plumber, still plumbing "It's me."

There once was a man...

...who worked at a shop where everything was $2.80. He said the same thing to customers; '2.80', ' the best', and 'if you don't someone else will'. This usually works well for him.

A customer comes up and asks, " how much is this?"
$2.80"
"how's the quality?"
"the best"
Should I...

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

There once was a starving artist

Wherever someone offered to buy his work, he thought they were being patronizing.

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man named Jerome

There once was a man named Jerome

Who liked to jerk off when not home

He once pulled his meat

From London to Crete

And didn't switch hands until Rome.

There once was a cow from Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the ...

There once was a woman named 90.

She was apart of a family that had 100 children so her mother named the children the numbers 1-100. One day, a freak accident killed all of the family but 90. She grew up and had 2 children. The 2 kids found a dog and wanted to keep it but 90 doesn’t like dogs. To work around this, the kids named th...

There once was a pebble and she was very shy

so she wanted to be, a little bolder!

There once was an engineer and a doctor, but they both loved the same woman.

The doctor would give the woman a rose every day to show his love.

The engineer would give her an apple every day.

This confused her, so she asked the engineer about it.

"The doctor gives me a rose because a rose signifies love, what is this apple supposed to mean?"

The ...

There once was a Bulgarian who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he w...

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer who was very overprotective of his three daughters.

Turned out that all of his daughters had dates that same night. So he went on to the porch with his shotgun and waited for the dates to come.

The first boy came and said, "*Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here for Betty t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Brazil

Who swallowed a dynamite pill

His tummy perspired

His butt backfired

And his balls flew over the hill

There once was a man named Brent

He made poems wherever he went

The poems were fine

But on the very last line

He added too many syllables

There once was a vampire named Mabel...

Whose menstrual period was stable.

So one week in four

She'd slip to the floor

And drink herself under the table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man who had just recently lost his arm.

He hated having lost an arm and was struggling with depression from it,

one day he was out walking when he saw a man who had lost both arms,

the man was dancing, swinging his body around, so he asks the man,

"I recently lost my arm and I'm so sad because of it, how come that you...

There once was a farmer with three daughters who were all going out on their first date at the same time.

The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun.

The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.

He was met with a boy, who said:

"Hi! My name's Joe.

I'm here for Flo.

We're going to the show.
...

There once was a sailor from Brighton

Who said to his gal, "You're a tight 'un."

She said, "Upon my soul!

You're in the wrong hole!

There's plenty of room in the right 'un"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman who was quite begat

She had three babies named Nat, Pat, and Tat.

She said it was fun in the breeding,

But found it was hell in the feeding.

When she saw there was no tit for Tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“There once was a priest from Illinois,

Who liked to touch all the boys.

He ran from the co..”

“God damnit Bob the ‘s’ in Illinois is silent, so your fuckin joke doesn’t rhyme and the shit ain’t funny”.

There once was a wise old man...

There once was a wise old man in a village. Old beyond memory, he channeled the knowledge of nature and the divine for his fellow townsfolk.


Many came to him with questions, until one day he took a vow of silence, shuttering his open door. Instead, he turned to his untended field. He wou...

There once was a boy who was only a head

He lived his life in the hospital, he always looked out the window to see all the other kids playing outside. "I wish more than anything to have a body so I could play outside with the other kids," he'd always say. One morning he woke up and to his surprise he had a body. He started jumping with joy...

There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.

The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.

They asked him what happened and he replied,

"Nothing. All happened according to plan."

The passengers were now furious, and one s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Kentucky...

There once was a man from Kentucky,

Given a nickname he thought unlucky.

He was dubbed 'Moscow Mitch',

also called 'Putin's Bitch',

because his politics were so ratfucky.

There once was a baker with only one speciality.

And that was baking.

What, did you honestly think I am skilled enough to make a cake day joke on my first cake day.

There once was a job application form

There once was a job application form that said: “help wanted! Looking for people that are bilingual, able to make a computer program and able to make a robot!”, which a street dog was staring at, and it entered the building. The dog then enters the interviewing room and sits on the chair. The inter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a girl from Madras...

Who had a magnificent ass. Not nice round and pink,as you probably think. But had long ears, a tail, and ate grass!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman from Dallas

Who used a stick of dynamite as a phallus

They found her vagina

In North Carolina

And her arsehole in Buckingham Palace

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

There once was a family that had a dog...

Their dog didn’t have any legs. They named it cigarette. Everyday they took it out for a drag.

There once was a girl named Ann Heuser

Who claimed no man could surprise her.

Till Pabst took a chance,

Found a Schlitz in her pants,

And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There once was a man from Stamboul

There once was a man from Stamboul,
who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You've taken my health,
you've ruined my wealth,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a woman from Q

She filled her vagina with glue she said with a grin if you pay to get in you pay to get out too

There once was a wide receiver who didn't run

That's why he was wide

There once was a man from Umtata

He was the world’s best farter

He could fart anything

From God Save The Queen

To Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata

There once was a mathematician...

...who was so afraid of negative numbers that she stopped at nothing to avoid them

There once was a Belgian hooker...

...who always had some Flem in her throat.

There once was a man with no arms. [Long]

Despite this fact, when the town church was looking for a new bell toller, he went straight to the church. The pastor didn't believe the man when told he could do the job, but decided to humor him, saying "If you can ring the bell, the job is yours."

Excitedly, the man climbed the stairs to t...

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a guy from madras

Who had balls made of brass

in inclement weather, they’d jangle together,

And lightning would shoot out his ass...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

There once was a very stubborn witch...

She would never accept help from her friends, and insisted on fighting her enemies alone, saying she didn’t want to rely on anyone else. Because of this, she lost a fight and was trapped forever in a crystal necklace.

Now she’s really independent.

There once was a Nike shoe.

There once was a Nike shoe.

He lived with his wife who was also a Nike shoe and together they had identical twins, an adorable pair of two left Nike shoes.

But Nike shoe wasn’t happy. You see, he hated his job--the mundane monotony of never being the shoe he knew he could be. One day...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.