Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.

I asked my partner if I was the only one, she’s been with.

She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says,

“Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football...

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

It was just announced that William Shatner's womens' lingerie company has been discontinued.

Apparently "Shatner Panties" isn't a great name for an underwear brand.

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Irish daughter hadn't been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n ...

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.

My Dr. explained that it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

2020 has been brutal this year

Now it's just Ruthless

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Have you been making biscuits?

Because you just made this ginger nut.

Due to COVID-19, The Seven Dwarfs have been restricted to gather in a group of no more than six.

One of them is not Happy.

My wife is the only one I have ever been with.

Everyone else has been a nine or a ten

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

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The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump

But that is comparing apples to orange

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.

It was a vile inn.

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump.

But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

When all's said and done it's been an impressive mpressive show from both Biden and Trump

Who would have thought two blokes in their 70s could maintain an election for this long?

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My wife has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.

But I caught her red handed!

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he's been spat at, verbally abused, and punched...

God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.

So I've been a little bored and my wife suggested I make a bird table.

Well...she's not happy. I've just finished tabulating all the points and she's in fifth place.

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I've been experimenting with THC and Laxatives

For shits n' giggles

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

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In 2020, it has been confirmed that the Earth is neither flat nor round.

It's fucked.

My wife left me after she found out how much I’d been paying for manual labor.

Or hand jobs as she calls them.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online

My neighbours now take their washing in at night

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

I could’ve been in the NBA but God put ten inches in the wrong place.

My feet are way too big

Recently I've been learning how to draw optical illusions so I can surprise my girlfriend with one on her birthday.

Unfortunately she walked in and caught me practicing the other day.

Her: "What's that!"

Me: "I can explain...it's not what it looks like!"

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at ...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

Girl: “Daddy, I’m sorry I’ve been a bad girl”

Priest: “For the last time, it’s ‘forgive me Father, for I have sinned’.”

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

"Man, if I had listened my father when I was 8, I could've been rich today"

Friend: What did he say?

Me: I dunno, I didn't listen.



Heard that on the radio today

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

I've been training to become the next Superman.

My progress is slowly but surely improving.

i just gotta get used to wearing my underwear over my pants.

I’ve never been married...

... but I’ve had a few near Mrs.

What do you call a cult that's been around for 1000s of years?

Culture

I've been learning lockpicking for a year now.

And Honestly it has opened a lot of doors for me.

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

Biden has been trying to put together is new cabinet for weeks.

After not having much success, he finally called up IKEA for help.

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

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NSFW: My wife and I have been working from home since April, and I finally called her HR Department with a complaint.

There has been far less sexual harassment in our workplace than I was hoping for.

I've been reading a lot about the covid vaccine vs convalescent plasma. I'm 100% convinced

that the covid vaccine is easier to spell.

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Dolphins have been known to kill when they're sexually frustrated...

...I wonder if they're doing it on porpoise?

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A couple had been married for 35 years,

the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic ...

I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

How wild has 2020 been?

Well,people used to cough to hide a fart, now they fart to hide a cough!

We've been practicing social distancing for a while now

When's the test gonna be?

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The farmer

A farmer walks upstairs to his bedroom with a chicken under his arm and stands before his wife.

“This is the pig I’ve been fucking”

His wife rolls over and sees the farmer.

“You idiot that’s a chicken”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP IM TALKIN TO THE CHICKEN”

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

Fireworks have been really popular in 2020.

Sales have skyrocketed.

I've been on Reddit 10 years as of today...

Joke's on me!

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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

The year is 2028 and /r/Jokes is still going strong.

A new user gets on to /r/jokes and sees the most upvoted joke just says "28"

The second most upvoted joke says "3915"

The third most upvoted joke says "756"

He can't see why they're getting so many upvotes, so he comments "These aren't jokes, they're numbers"

The mod repl...

If you guys think 2020 has been bad...

Get ready for 2022

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

Have you ever been to Lake McConaughy in Nebraska?

Great place to visit, I just got back from a trip myself. I've always loved hunting, fishing, boating, just being out in nature...and it's all there for you to enjoy! There's one thing you should know before you visit though, and I found out the hard way.

Early one morning I'd taken my boat o...

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress

I’m going there in-person to see what’s going on

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my ...

These days I've been checking the news first thing in the morning.

Lately, it's been my mourning routine.

I was talking to my friends about a threesome I had in Thailand. They said it must have been like winning the lottery.

They were right, we had 6 matching balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

What would have Bigfoot been called by Native Americans if he had a big nose instead of big feet?

Schnozzsquatch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raise your hand if you've been caught masturbating on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been 1 week in college and already had five times the sex I had in 3 years of highschool.

5x0=0

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s been alleged that I’ve written a series of tweets about the song “I’m Too Sexy”.

I’d like to reassure my followers that I did not write said thread...

I've been in a Job interview

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Me: "Interpreting semantics of a question, but ignoring the pragmatics."

Interviewer: "Could you give an example?"

Me: "Yes, I could."

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

‟Wow!,” said her father, ‟That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

‟Wrong number,” replied the girl.

Donald Trump's menu from Walter Reed has been leaked

He's eating just desserts

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about erections

But it’s too hard.

There were rumours spreading that Zeus has been cheating on his wife with other women

But it was all just Hera-say

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything

...but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to...

Thanks to COVID-19, this is the first year I've not been able to run the London Marathon owing to lockdown.

Every other year it's been because I'm overweight, can't run, and am too lazy to even try.

You know, ive always been told tragedy plus time equals comedy

I was born 18 years ago and im still not funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

Ive been thinking that the dryer has been shrinking my clothes...

Turns out if was the refrigerator!

It's been raining for days.

My wife seems so sad looking through the window. If it continues like this, I might have to let her in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been taking penis enlargement pills but the wife still left me.

She couldn't take it any longer.

I met a old guy, he’s been married 60 years. I asked “how did you do it”...

He answered, on my honeymoon I took my wife to France, I go back next week to pick her up.

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

What do you call a person who has been underwater for 1 hour?

Dead.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

A lot of people have been making money off face mask in fact I have too.

Because they’re not expecting me to rob the place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every woman I've been with has had an orgasm during sex

But someday I'll find one that doesn't know what they're missing out on.

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.

Still can't get the last of that ketchup out though.

My wife and I have been role playing to spice things up lately. I dress up as the UPS guy...

and she walks away from me when she sees me, refusing to touch my package for at least a week.

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on t...

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

Waiting in line to vote, somebody pulls up and asks " How long have you been waiting to vote?"

Some guy in the back of the line yells "FOUR YEARS!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman finds out her husband has been cheating on her. In a fit of rage she chops his penis off..

She jumps in the car and starts speeding down the highway and throws his penis out the window.

Little did she know, two nuns were driving in their car on the opposite side of the road.

The penis hits their windshield and flies off.

Nun 1: Oh my goodness!! What kind of bug was ...

My friend has been terribly depressed since he went bungy jumping and the cord snapped.

He just hasn't bounced back.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"


She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

Breeding Seagulls and Eagles has now been outlawed in the United States.

The rationale behind this was that the new creature became incredibly sick upon birth. People have been breeding ill eagle seagulls this entire time.

We’ve been watching so much CNN that

My kid thinks Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and John King are the founding fathers.

The joke industry has been hit particularly hard by Covid

Nobody has walked into a bar in months.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

I don't know if this has been posted before or not but it's my favorite joke.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only time I've been mechanically inclined

Is when I press the recline button on my couch

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £70.

Is that two deer?

Science is hard. If it were easy, it wouldn't have been called science, it would have been called

Your Mom.

I'be always been afraid of over engineered buildings

Is a complex-complex complex

The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

I have been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But no one would do it.

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