Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

I bought a world map for my wife, and gave her a dart. I said, "Where ever this lands, that's where I am taking you after this pandemic is over."

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

I used to work at the zoo, where my job was to circumcise Elephants.

The pay was rubbish, but the tips were huge!

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.

In a dad-a-base

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

Robin: Where are you, Batman?

Batman: on my way, was in the bathroom

Robin: what's a hroom?

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.

“Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

Where do blind people go to get cured?

To the ICU.

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If a girl with big boobs works at Hooters, where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP!

---
I've been binging TAHM.

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

Where does the General keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

I used to own a business, where I sold landmines disguised as prayer mats..

The prophets are going through the roof

My boss came to me at lunch: "Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to find you all morning!"

I shrugged and said: "Good employees are hard to find."

Where do dead swimmers go ?

Down the drain.

I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless

I was like 0mg

A woman walks up to a librarian and asks them where the books on paranoia are

They reply: “they’re right behind you”

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin

It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

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A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

A have a horrible disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal,

(Told to me by my friend Dave)

Where did Steve go after getting lost in a minefield?

Everywhere.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union publish any Where’s Waldo books?

It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.

Where do monkeys go to get their fast food?

Burger Kong.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

Where did Sauron go to take his driver's test?

The Department of Mordor Vehicles

Where can you see a chicken strip?

At the chicken club

Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym

Because no one can spot him

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."

Where do clouds keep their money?

In a fog bank.

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A man accepts a job in a village with no women

Once there, he asks a local:

-There are really no women here?

-None.

-So... What do you guys do when you need to have sex?

-There is a donkey close to the river for that.

The man tries to ignore that and goes home, from where he can see the river and therefore, the...

where do horse goes when they get sick

to the horsepital

jk they get shot

A man walks into a restaurant where his girlfriend works and sits down.

She goes Up to him and asks what he wants, he respons with "How about a quickie?" She says "I can't do that at work!" And walks away, then the man sitting at the table next to him says "Excuse me sir but it's pronounced quiche."

Where does Dimebag Darrell go for breakfast?

Pantera Bread

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to He...

Most blocks in Minecraft are one square meter. Where in Minecraft can you find a block that has only two square feet?

Whichever one the player’s standing on.

Where did captain hook get his hook?

A second hand store.

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it...

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In a world where everyone wears their title, a shit-head decided he’d had enough.

He wanted to be more than what he was, but nobody would hire a shit-head.

One day he was in the building of a large corporation, and saw his opportunity. “If I remove the shit from my title, people will think I’m in charge.” He got to work pulling the letters off, one at a time, until they we...

Where did dinosaurs get their presents!

Toysaurus

So a Sunday School teacher asks her class where Jesus is.

Little Susie says, “In Heaven!”

Little Amy says, “In my heart!”

Little Johnny says, “In my bathroom!”

Perplexed, the Sunday School teacher asks little Johnny why Jesus would be in his bathroom.

“I don’t know, I just hear my dad every morning banging on the bathroom door a...

Where do city horses live?

In the *neigh*-borhood

Where did Noah keep his bees ?

In the Ark hives.

John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?

- I’m going to pee outside. Be right back!

Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:

- John! It’s raining?

- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

I lay awake all night wondering where the sun had gone

And then it dawned on me

Where does a catholic geologist go to pray?

Land Mass

Where is the best place to go pee?

IP Address

If palm oil comes from palms, and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from?

North Korea

Where do redneck vikings go when they die?

Y'allhalla

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveller gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.

Where did the Terminator find extra toilet paper?

Aisle B, back.

Where do mummies swim?

In the Dead Sea.

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Do you know where Scottish people have sex?

Between 5 and 7 like everybody else.

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Where does the Italian mafia live?

In the spaghetto

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele...

... then whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say “I play a little guitar”

So a young black boy walks in to the kitchen where his mother is baking, puts his hands in the flower covers himself in it and tells his mother "look I'm a white boy!"

His mother slaps him and tells him to show his father.
He goes to his father and says "look dad I'm a white boy! " His father slaps him and tells him to show his grandmother.
He shows his grandmother and says "Look I'm a white boy! " She slaps him and sends him back to his mother.

...

Imagine yourself as a place where horses stay.

Now you’re mentally a stable.

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

A dog who lost its tail goes where ?

to a retail store

Where do gambling gangsters go after they die?

To the Gangster's-Pair-a-Dice.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Where are ADHD children sent for therapy?

Concentration camps.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

I'm working on a video game where you go back in time and kill Adam and Eve

it's going to be the first ever First Person Shooter.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

Where do infantries come from?

A country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

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Where does virgin wool come from?

Ugly sheep.

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A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

I heard about this pick up line where you say "kiss me if im wrong, but is your name Lisa?" to a random girl you like and decided to try it out.

You would not believe my bad luck, all of the girls I asked where actually named Lisa!

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Idk where i heard it

A man flies to Australia, when he arrives the lady at the airport asks him if he has a criminal record, the man answers ''crap are those still required?''

Where do you find fat students and faculty?

In the hippocampus.

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I can't believe the city where I live. Drugs on every corner, prostitutes with needles in their arse...

Frankly, these are the only reasons why I stay.

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

Where was the declaration of independent education signed?

At the bottom

Where do bees stay while on vacation?

Air Bee and Bee

Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....

Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".

"Yes Father" Says Rosy.

"How is your husband and the little ones ?"

"Husband is fine but so far, no children".

Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. ...

Where do sick boats go?

To the dock-ter

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

So today my six year old daughter ask me where she came from.

Now, I’ve always said, when she asks, it means she’s ready to hear the truth, and I will explain the truth as best I can and it’s appropriate for her age.

So, I explain to my six-year-old daughter, the facts of life. To which she replies, “wow my friend Debbie said she came from Oklahoma.”

Heaven was becoming overcrowded to the point where Saint Peter asked if he could only let people in who had a really bad day before he died.

Once God approved, Peter went back to the pearly gates and saw a line. Excited about the new order he went to the first person and said, “tell me about the day you died.”

The first person said, “it was horrible, I could have sworn my wife was cheating on me so I came home from work early to c...

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

I was wearing my most kawaii outfit the other day and this guy, who was no where near as kawaii as me, started saying how I should dress up in kawaii stuff. I was like, mate. I'm more kawaii than you...

You're preaching to the kawaii-er.

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“Where is the rake?”

man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?” The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. Th...

Where did Jesus get his beer from?

Hebrew.

where do cannibals go to get their 5 daily veggies?

To the ICU ward.

Where do young cantaloupes go for the summer?

To a John Cougar melon camp.

My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?

In a narcophagus

A couple went to see a film at a theatre. A mosquito enters the girl's skirt. ```Guess where it bites?``` No dirty mind it's not what you think

It bites the boy's hand.

Where are mediocre things manufactured?

The satisfactory!

My son, Carson, asked me where he got his name

I told him, "well you were conceived in the backseat of my car, so you're our car-son"

where do communists get their coal from?

ours

2020 is like when you where playing SIM CITY 2000

You got bored and started clicking on all the disasters menu options at the same time

Where did the hacker go?

I don’t know, he ransomware

Where do Idlis go to get drunk?

Sam-Bar

A guy on the red scooter arrives at the monastery where 1024 monks lived...

The monk opens the door.


-How can I help you? - he asks.


-Could I sleep here tonight?


-OK, come in.


While he was sleeping, the roof has fallen, killing half of the monks. Now there are 512 left.


The next day, a guy on the red scooter returnes.<...

Where do you punch mythical horse people?

In the centaur of mass!

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station...

Where does Chewbacca go to get confidential documents about his enemies?

Wookieeleaks.

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

Where on a computer do you store the results if COVID-19 tests?

In the swab file.

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where would Steve Trevor (the dude in Wonder Woman) like to ejaculate?

Indiana

Sorry I don't know if this ones been said before lol

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.

Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?

Little Jack: Ok

Little Johnny: penis

Little Jack: Penis

Little Johnny: PEnis

Little Jack: PENis

Little Johnny: PENIS!

Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!

Little Johnny: Okay :(

-...

Where is the line between art and not art

Usually the frame

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Where can you find a dog with no legs?

Exactly where you left him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both of my parents have brown eyes, so I wasn't too surprised when my girlfriend asked me where I got my blue eyes from.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think they belong to the hitchhiker chained in the basement.

Where?

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, bu...

Where do magicians get quarters?

Cashiers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between hungry and horny ?

Where you stick the cucumber.

Where did the hackers go when they escaped?

No idea, they just ransomware

I just read a Pirates of the Caribbean story where Jack Sparrow had missile launchers on his ship.

It was non-cannon

What do you call a party where snakes choose china?

A reptile dish function.

Where do you go to weigh a pie?

Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

Weigh a Pie!

Eskimo 1: "Where were you the whole morning?" Eskimo 2: "Ice fishing." "What did you get?"

"Ice."

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

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