Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

What’s the difference between losing a van and losing a painting?

You’ll either be asking “Where’d the van go?” or “Where’d the Van Gogh go?”

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

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Pulled over

A prostitute gets pulled over. The cop asks "Where you're from?" She responds "Idaho". The cop says "I know you are, but where you're from?"

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP

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Where lawyers come from...Joke

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.



The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"



She said that she did.



He asked, "Does it hurt you?" Sh...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

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Once there was a little bird that was migrating south for the winter. But he was a little late and the cold froze him. Frozen he crashed into an open field where he waited for death.

As he lay there waiting for death a cow passed him by and shat on him. The warmth of the shit started to thaw him and he felt warm and good. He knew he would live and started to sing in happiness.

Meanwhile, a nearby cat heard the singing and arrived where the bird lay to investigate. The cat...

Where do poor Italiens live?

In the Spaghetto. Haha molto bene!

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

Where does a Sith go shopping?

To the Darth Maul.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

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Apparently there’s a new trend where men have been putting jewelry on their testicles

I’ve heard they’re pretty nuts

Where does a general keep his armies?

In his sleevies

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

I caught a sickness where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor said it's terminal.

How do locomotives know where they're going?

Lot's of training

Smart waitress

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an a...

Today I found out that the prison where Jeffery Epstein was kept didn’t have a suicide for 2 decades...

...and counting!

I have the only identity where if it was stolen...

The person who brought it would ask for a refund

Reddit is supposed to be a place of open and honest discussion where every opinion counts.

If you don't agree, stay out of the comment section.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

And then it dawned on me.

Wheres the best place to find facts about african wildlife?

Safari...

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

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Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit

Engineer 2: dickhole

Engineer 1: almost

So, where do you see yourself next year?

I'm not sure, I don't have 20 20 vision

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What do you call a case where a lawyer ,without taking any money, defends a public masturbator?

a pro-boner case.

Where does Finland end?

The Finnish line

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I can't remember where I lost my boomerang

Oh wait, I think it's coming back to me now.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

I made a frozen pizza this morning. I took off the shrink wrap on the pizza and noticed it had some small holes in it where the frozen cheese had stabbed through.

That was some sharp cheddar.

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Three days ago, I started with that new penis enlargement method where you have to put on 10 penis rings at once. And you know what: It works.

It's already turning black.

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!!!.... just kidding they get shot.

A co worker asked me where Pakistan was today...

"He's outside with Paki Steve" I told him.

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Where does ET come from?

His dick

Police officer: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do for a living?

Miner: mine

"Where is the patient that was run over by a steamroller?"

"In room 69 to 120."

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

I hate when people ask me where do I see me in 1 year

I don’t have 2020 vision

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the arkHIVES

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At the club where my bud is staring at a lady's boobs.

Her: My face is up here.

(Looks up, goes back to boobs.)

Him: Yeah, but these look better.

If you find gold in Australia where should you look for silver?

**Ag**stralia

Where does overweight Batman live?

In the fat cave

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A black man goes to a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder and asks for a beer, the cashier asks him where he got him

The parrot said Africa

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I watched a porno where they circumsized the man afterwards...

Apperently I rented the director's cut.

The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays..

I want to go to the Bahamas And she wants to come with me.

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

Where is the best dentist for walruses?

Tuscaloosa

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I've just got back from the hospital where the nurse asked me " Could you masturbate in the cup?"

I thought, I'm good, but I'm not quite competition standard.

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Alabama.

If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

Where did the hippopotamus go to learn?

The Hippo Campus.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

Just left a cemetery where earlier I saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same men carrying the same coffin.

I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

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Where does a dyslexic porn addict keep his files?

On his hard diks.

Q: Where did John go after the explosion?

A: Everywhere

Do you know where in the hospital the invisible man can't hide?

The I.C.U

Where does an apple go hiking?

The Apple-achian Mountains...

I’ll delete my account now

Where do dentists move to when they retire?

Fluorida

Where do you bury someone with OCD?

In a symmetry.

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3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

"Master Ludwig," said Beethoven's manservant one day, "where do you get your inspiration from?"

"Why, from you of course, dear Heinrich!" Beethoven answered.

Heinrich slapped his thigh in delight. "Oh, what a joker you are, master! A genius like you inspired by a dullard like me! That's a good one. Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah*! Ha-ha-ha-*haaaah!*"

Where do kids with ADHD get sent for summer break?

Concentration camp

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John is in the 10th year of a life sentence, where he gets a new cellmate Jim.

In the middle of the night John wakes up Jim and tells him that he's going to break out of prison soon but he needs his help.

Jim gladly agrees and asks for John to explain his plan.

John:"Tou see, for my first five prison years I trained my digestive system so it breaks down anything ...

A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, “Kindergarten.”

"Where are you?"

"I'm in between the kitchen and drawing-room."

"Can't you just say you're in your home?"

"Then why did you call my landline."

They've invented a new version of rugby where only people who wear glasses can play it.

It's a non-contact sport.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?...

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

Where would you park your camel?

The Camelot.

PS Booze helped with this and now I'm laughing alone in my apartment

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

Where do you work?

— NSA
— tell me something interesting
— about me or about you?

Where did the mango go?

I don't know, the mango goes where the mangoes

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.

Turns out they were cold sores.

Dad, where did my name come from?

One day a man was sitting on the porch, reading a book while keeping an eye on his 3 kids who were playing in the yard. The eldest, Rose, comes up to him and says "Dad, I was wondering, why did you name me Rose?"

"Well you'd never believe it, but when you were born a rose petal fell from a bo...

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

Where do little jokes come from?

A dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

Where does the spider get his weapons?

The dark web...





(Like where my parents will be selling me)

Where does a pig's soul go when they die?

Porkatory.

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