When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

We all know where the Big Apple is...

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were...

She replied, "Aisle B, back!"

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Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.

The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal.

“You have to put all ten up your butt without mak...

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

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A father whale and his son were swimming when the son whale asked his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replied "from my penis son."

The son rolled his eyes and said "thanks dad" to which the father whale replied, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram

I was like 0mg

Where does Trump go shopping?

Traitor Joes.

A man walks into the library and asks "where are your books on BDSM?"

The librarian replies "they're still being bound."

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

My neighbor's little son asked me where you find giant snails?

I tried to blind him with science.

“Well, they’re originally from Kenya, and their Latin name is the Achatina Fulica …”

Turns out the answer was ‘On giant’s fingers’.

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Young boy goes up to his Dad and asks "Where did I come from?"

His father sighs and says "I was hoping your mother would get this question but OK I will explain".

"So when a man and woman are in love and want to have a baby they get naked and get into bed and then they touch each other and kiss and the man touches the woman's breasts and vagina and the w...

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From the well, actually.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

I hate when people ask me where I see myself next year

I don't have 2020 vision

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there "isn't" something trying to kill you....

"School" is my answer.

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a...

Where do horses go when they get sick?

The horse-pital!

Nah, I'm just joking, they get shot

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again....

Question after question..."who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?

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Where do couples in their 60s go on their second honeymoons?

Viagra Falls.

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP!
-Jake Harper

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

Where does a cow fart come from?

The dairy air

Where does toilet paper come from?

Toiletries

Where do Muslims shop?

Halaldi

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road

and not be
questioned about their motives.

A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was

I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do you send a Jew with ADHD?

To a concentration camp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If gays come out of the closet, where do straights come out of?

Compton

A dentist noticed his patient had a large gold tooth. He said, “Where did you get the gold?”

The patient replied, “Its mine.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

where can’t you buy a large soda?

minnesota

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it smells funny...

So I took her to New Jersey.

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

Where do ghosts live?

They don’t.

If you find gold in Australia, where should you look for silver?

Agstralia

Where do southern viking descendants go after death?

Y'allhalla

I had a terrible dream of a dystopian future where robots controlled every aspect of our lives.

Luckily, I was awakened by my Tesla.

Rat: Hey, where are you going?

Snail: To a new year's party.

Rat: But 2020 is a month away.

Snail: I know, I better start sprinting.

Tonight a friend of mine asked me where do I see myself next year.

And I said, "I don't know bud, I don't have 2020 vision.

Where do Volkswagen's go when they get old?

The Old Volks home

Where do Aussies keep their drug stash?

Out back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when far away, where the earth touches the sky, a prostitute stands up?

Ho risin'

Where do Russians buy their coffee?

Tsarbucks

My friends have started a podcast where they argue about their cheese opinions

It's called "k......so?"

Where did the branches of the armed services get their names from?

From the mili-tree

Where did Abraham Lincoln prepare his pasta?

Spaghettysburg

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at?

The second hand store.

Where can you find 6 easily?

Punjab, India.

Where do Nintendo Characters shop?

Ike-ea, Waa-Greens, Hot Togepi, Break the Target, Lush Ultimate, Wet-Spheal, Mushroom Kingdom (think about it), Abercombie and Squid, and Walmarth.

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Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr Baker was probably a baker. Mr Butcher was probably a butcher.

And then there was Mr Dickinson…

Y'all have heard of Joe's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce

Now get ready for Joe's Thanksgiving And Abortion Store
"Where Yesterdays Baby is Today's Gravy!"

Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere.

What do you call the place in a French city where the minorities live?

A baguetto

Where is the IT guy?

He ransomware.

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

TIL if your wife asks you if you know where the broom is...

... it's not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.

Where do unvaccinated kids gather?

The plague-ground

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

Where do cannibals burn their witches?

At the stake house.

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

“I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", was his reply.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Where did the Mexican man hide when he was scared?

Hispanic room

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all ...

John cena: *wakes up in hospital* "where am I?"

Nurse: ICU
John cena: no you cant

How do you know where he's ticklish?

Test tickles

Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?

In the Ark hives.

Where is the best possible place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge

Where'd Sally go when the bomb went off?

In her pants.

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss "The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, Under The Big Top, in the Centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member...

I had a dream where I came up with a new color

But it was all just a pigment of my imagination

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Where do Soviet nerds gather?

At Commie-Con

Where did Luke get his bionic arm

At the second hand store

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't sure what to where to my Premature Ejaculators Anonymous Meeting

So I just came in my pants

You can tell a girl likes you depending on where her shoes are.

If they are behind her head, she may like you.

I asked my friend to name two places where you could store water

"Well, damn."

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

Where do you send a Jewish kid with ADHD

A concentration camp. (My bosses joke, please don't kill me)

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

Where Do Boats Go When They Are Sick

The Doc

Where do scuba divers go to relax after work?

Dive bars.

Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

When I was younger I decided I wanted a tattoo. My mother said, "Well if you're going to get one get one where it doesn't matter.

So I got it in New Jersey.

I have a magic act where I make cocaine and marijuana disappear

It's all smoke and mirrors

Where do elements work out?

The oxygym

A homeless man and his wife got married in a Laundromat. Where did he take her when she wanted a divorce?

He took her to the cleaners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

Someone once asked me where to find love.

I told her: "Personally, I check in shoes.


It's how I found my solemate."

Where does Dorian Gray get his clothes?

Forever 21.

Where is the best place to get a massage

Egypt, Its full of CAIROpractors

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two Pakistani politicians Sharif and Shahbaz moved to London where they made friends with a English guy named Paul.

They used to go all over London with him when suddenly one day ...
Paul disappeared.

The two went to the police and lodged a complaint.

The police asked them if they could give some vital clues about Paul that would help find him.

Shahbaz said, "Paul was handsome and tall."...

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