Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

Where do Asian neckbeards come from?

M'laysia

Where did little Jimmy go after getting lost in a mine field?

Everywhere

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Where do boats go when they are sick?

The Dock.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

I joined a religion where flatbread tells us about god.

Its a naan prophet organization.


I have no idea why this was the first thing my brain did when I woke up this morning.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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What do you call a bar where the saxophonist, trumpet player, and flute player all have sex with each other on stage?

HornPub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wi...

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the day they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

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A young orca asks his dad, “Where did I come from?”

“My penis, son.”

“Ew! Gee thanks dad...”

“You’re whalecum.”

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do pessimistic Jews go to worship?

A cynicgogue

Got fired today because I asked a crying kid where his parents were

I loved working at an orphanage

I found a place where the recycling rate is 98%

/r/Jokes

Q: Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

A: Everywhere

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

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The softcore porn flick where everyone is dressed as clocks and wristwatches FINALLY got released! I've been waiting FOREVER.

It's about fucking time.

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks?

At the second hand store.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

Where do you find a horse with no legs?

Where you left him.

Told to me today by a first grader.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went..

... then it dawned on me

Where do dogs go when their tail falls off?

The retail store

Where do pirates get their camping gear?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRR E AYYYYYYYYYYE

Where do you go to weigh a pie?

Somewhere, over the rainbow.

Does anyone know where I can find a companion?

Asking for a friend.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Wow!! it is almost Xmas. I can't believe where the year has gone....

It seemed to have Zoomed by.

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

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Where do plant’s watch porn?

Onlyferns

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

Where are all groan-worthy jokes stored?

In the dad-a-base!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Do you know where Redit keeps its Dad jokes?

In its Dadabase.......

sorry in advance.......

Where do tattoo artists connect?

InkedIn

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

Where are dramatic hard drives from?

Oh I/O

Before lecturing her Sunday school class on heaven and hell, the teacher asked her students "Do you know where girls and boys go when they do bad things"?

"Sure" a boy replied, "Behind Kristin's garage"

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I heard there is a new category of rideshare where you can get a topless driver.

They are calling it a Boob Lyft.



Thank you... I'll see myself out.

Where do lonely Sharks go to find companionship?

Sand Bars

Is soo annoying when a cop ask where do I get my weed from.

Why don't you find your own dealer?

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peak-A-Boo accident?

To the I-C-U

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Name one career where on-the-job training is not ideal.

Skydiving instructor

Where do you get more chess pieces?

at the pawn shop!

My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ...

She sells C cells by the seashore.

A couple are walking in a field where they find a well.

One says to the other “I wonder how deep the well is” so he throws a rock down. He hears nothing. “Maybe it just wasn’t loud enough?” He says to his partner. He then throws a log he found nearby down the well. All of a sudden, they see a bull charge towards them and down the well. “That was unusual”...

A woman has a car crash and afterwards is screaming "Where's my baby?" A policeman says to her, "Your baby's over there".

"And over there. And up there. And back there."

You know where they make those little cola cans?

Out in Minisoda

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

Hell, on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian Casanova

An Italian was driving his sports car along the Amalfi coast when he saw a beautiful girl hitchhiking. He stopped the car and offered the girl a ride. He went in ‘Casanova-mode’ and leaned over the pull the girl close. She didn’t object so he took it a step further. He drove to his house and took th...

People always ask me how I know where all of this generation's money went

It's in tuition.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is reading, and he's carrying a sheep under his arm...

Farmer: See? This is the pig I've been fucking!

Wife: That's not a pig, that's a sheep.

Farmer: I was talking to the sheep.

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I just saw a truck with one of those metallic pairs of testicles dangling from the back, and I started thinking “OK I see its balls, but where’s its dick?”

“Oh yeah,” I thought, “in the driver’s seat.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

Where do pretentious people get water?

Well, _actually_.

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a kilo

And I was like 0mg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

where do Alabamans put their butter?

in-bread

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Where do cannibals go to eat deep fried food?

The battered women's shelter

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I don’t really know man but I think I’ll still be using a mirror.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

Where does The Joker get his hair done?

Arkham Hairstylum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

I should go rob a bank where all the security guards are women

I would be invisible to them

Little Johnny: "Where does leather come from?"

Shoemaker: "Hide"

Little Johnny: "Hide? What for?"

Shoemaker: "Hide! Hide! Y'know, the cow's outside!"

Little Johnny: "Aww, who's afraid of a dumb old cow?" *wanders off.*

Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents

Where do horses go when their sick? The horsepital

Just kidding they get shot

My 9 year old daughter just now. Where do people get their lies from?

From the lie-brary

I told my doctor, “I think I have ADHD because I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Me: But I keep losing my Focus.

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Where do assholes come from?

Sonova Beach

Where do werewolves live?

In werehouses

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

I used to work at the zoo, where my job was to circumcise Elephants.

The pay was rubbish, but the tips were huge!

Where do you go if you can't afford yoga classes?

The omless shelter.

I’m tired of hearing men talk about how women make their lives more difficult. Just think about where men would be without women...

Still in the Garden of Eden.

At his death bed, Achilles realized that they where going to loose the war and uttered his last words.

Defeet hurts.

Where is the best place to hide a dead body?

Page 2 of Google search results

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

Where did the microbiologist go after receiving his PhD?

...to a cell-laboratory gathering

There is a timeline where Rick doesn’t make Rick Roll

He tried to write a song, but instead he gave up. He let himself down. He ran away and deserted the idea. He cried, he said goodbye, he even lied to and hurt himself.

Where is the place where eyewitnesses of war get deported?

Warsaw.

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

You know that scene in Harry Potter where his godfather dies?

That was a dead Sirius moment

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

Where do whales go to listen to music?

The orca-stra

Where can you learn about how to be a witch?

Wicca-pedia

Where does a one leg waitress work?

Ihop...

Why did Trump play golf after the election ?

Because that’s where the winner has the lowest score.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

I don’t care where states are located

If Oklahoma was right next to Maine that would be ok by me.

I stopped at a roadside stand where a sign read "LOBSTER TAILS $5."

I paid my $5 and the guy said....

"Once upon a time, there was this lobster....."

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

Where do baby ghosts come from?

We all know the girl ghosts have booooo-bies but how do the boy ghosts do anything with their hollow weenies?

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

Where does Thor go to use the restroom?

Bowelhalla.

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

What do social media influencers call it when they begin sharing their insights on how they got to where they are today?

Thot Leadership.

Where did the mazophillic coprophile go on vacation?

Lake Titicaca.

Where would you weigh a whale ?

In a whaleway station.

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

Where do Sith shop?

The Darth Mall

From where do Imperial Stormtroopers say their prayers?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

Where do toilets come from?

They grow on toiletries..

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Where did Luke Skywalker go shopping between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi?

Second Hand Store

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An actor rehearsing on stage was going on and on about the colors "No, THIS is where you illuminate the stage with sunflower yellow, and HERE is when you fade to chartreuse!" he said, tapping emphatically on the manuscript. Opening day came, and the actor found himself now fully and completely in

The lemon-limelight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

Where's the bathroom again?

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes...

Where do cantaloupes go for the summer?

John Cougar’s Mellencamp.

When secret agent Maynard James Keenan was captured by the Khmer Rouge, where did they take him for interrogation?

To Tool Sleng.

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

Where do you go to buy and sell shrimp?

The Prawn shop

Robin: Where are you, Batman?

Batman: on my way, was in the bathroom

Robin: what's a hroom?

Where do dead James Bond actors go when they die?

00Heaven (no disrespect meant, just remembered it now)

What’s a Russian online portal where you can see what shows aren’t available in your country?

Nietflix.

Where do cow farts come from?

The dairy air.

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