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Seen Jokes

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

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Seen on X. Credit to @614clinton

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man.

"Look what you did to my car" he yells.
"You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!"

"Oh my" says the old man, "I don't hav...

Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”

“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

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Have you seen r/tifu recently.

They’re fucking nuts.

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?

"No" said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar Bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and sm...

Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

Have you ever seen…

…a barn dance?
…a fire escape?

Please help. When I was a kid I had a large joke book that I loved to read over and over. One page had a pretty long list of this type of joke (where the end could be read as a “noun verb” instead of a “noun”). Now that book is long...

I’ve seen a few jokes about dwarfs recently and I’m sick of it.

My girlfriend has dwarfism, and is kinder and works harder than anyone I know. She deserves respect and shouldn’t be treated so poorly by you lot.

In fact, to make it up to her I’m going to make her a lovely meal, pour her a glass of wine, and run her a nice hot sink.

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says:
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“You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so I asked my kids if they'd seen it...

Apparently, she left me two days ago...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he ...

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with Alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me if I've seen his wife.

Every day I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question.
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.

My sewing instructor thinks I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Sorry. Wrong thread.

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

My wife asked me if I've seen the dog bowl.

I replied: I never knew it did..

Once you’ve seen one shopping center......

You’ve seen the mall.

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper.

She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

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Why hasn’t Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately?

He’s on tour.

Haven't seen this joke on here yet, it's my favorite.

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!".


She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?".


The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!".

Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked...

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure.

With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...

You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

Have you seen "Pun" on Broadway?

It's a play on words!

Old but never seen it here.

What’s the square root of 69?
Eight something.

Two electric car owners were seen today fighting over a charging port.

The police have said it was a charged environment and they will amp up patrols around area. A lot of witnesses were shocked and some saw someone socket to the other.

Sign Seen In Bar

Beer nuts: $1.99
Deer nuts: Under a buck

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

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Who has seen...

A priest kept chickens at his village. One day the cock went missing. At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, "Who has a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?" he asked.

All the women got up.

"No, no, who has seen a cock that isn'...

On Kid Rock being seen recently drinking Bud Light despite his rant against their supporting trans people...

Sometimes you drink what you can afford.

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...

it's alt right"

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Just seen a guy

Just seen a guy at the ice cream shop beating the shit out of a bottle of ice cream topping.

I think it was assaulted caramel

Should have seen it coming Jesus!

Judas: still on for Friday?

Jesus: Friday?

Judas: yeah, the last supper

Jesus: the what?

Judas: supper, normal supper with the fellas

Have you seen the sequel to Constipation?

Nah, number two hasn't come out yet.

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?


They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Have you seen the movie about the fish that works at the cardboard company?

Unfortunately, it flopped at the box office.

Seen this one in the paper... gave me a giggle

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of ...

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
\-
“Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot.
\-
“Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another cu...

Have you guys seen that clown that hides from disappointing people?

Nah, me neither

A kid asks his grandmother "How come ive never seen you and grandpa fight?..."

/ - ... I see mom and dad fight from time to time, but ive never seen you and grandaddy fight... why is that?

/ - Well, says the grandma, we got married in the old church in the middle of town, after the marriage ceremony, we hopped on our horse carriage, it was a long time ago when horse ca...

Ever seen a dog with three legs walk backwards?

Its trippy .

Have you seen "Schrodinger's Cat the Movie"?

It doesn't have any showing times. You buy a ticket but won't know if it is playing or not until you walk into the theater.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

Have you seen the difference 12 hours can make?

It's night and day!

What's black and white and can be seen through?

A zebra with a big hole in it.

I suppose we should have seen the Newton-Leibniz conflict coming.

Calculus has always been derivative

Have you seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

It was unprecedented.

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A LAWYER is getting out of his BMW when a semi rolls by, taking the open door clean off. A nearby cop has seen all of this, and runs over.

The lawyer immediately starts screaming and gesticulating about the value of his beamer and how much it’s going to cost him to get it fixed.

The cop loses his patience and says, “You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money!”

The lawyer is incensed and says, “How dare...

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

Have you seen these frog-skin condoms?

They're ribbet for her pleasure.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

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A gynecologist tells his patient "You have the largest vagina I've ever seen! You have the largest vagina I've ever seen!"

The woman says "well doctor you didn't have to say it twice.."

The doctor replies "I didn't! ^I ^didn't! ^^I ^^didn't! ^^^I ^^^didn't! ^^^^I ^^^^didn't! ^^^^"

Have you seen the Indian adaptation of 'How I Met Your Mother' ?

It's called 'How My Parents Met Your Mother's Parents'

Have you ever seen serial numbers on a condom?

That’s probably because you’ve never had to roll it back far enough.

Know why you’ve never seen an elephant hiding in a tree?

Because they’re good at it

Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?"

Of course not, it won't be out for a while.

Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today.

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Have you ever seen the porn version of “Gilligan’s Island?“

In the end, they all get off

Hey guys have you seen Miss Singh

I was looking for her and now think she's Missing

i made this up as a kid or seen it on the internet or smth...idk it is funny

3 aliens come down to earth...examining earth and humans on this planet. They wanted to interact with the species so they agreed to split up.

The first alien went to a classroom at a school. He was surrounded by a lot of kids Yelling the word 'ME ME ME' repeatedly as the kids were jumping up...

These Cthulu memes I've seen now and again, need to get some new material

All I ever see are Old Ones.

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

I've seen similarities drawn between the founder of OceanGate and John Hammond, but there is one huge difference.

Hammond spared no expense.

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A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.


The clerk pulled up the file and read: The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.


You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regio...

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Just seen a lad who I used to go to school with years ago

and we ended up having a bit of a catch up and he revealed he's getting wed soon and it's an arranged marriage that his parents have sorted out for him.

So I was asking about the ins and outs of what goes on and what the bride is like etc.. and he basically tells me that him and his parents h...

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Hospitals have seen more prayers than any church, airports have seen more kisses than any wedding hall....

And my basement has seen more kids than any school

My brother recently seen an ad on kijiji for a 42" TV.

Boy was he shocked when a crossdressing little person showed up at his door.

Once you’ve seen a thousand stores under one roof…

You’ve seen theMall

Wife: Have you seen the dog bowl?

Husband: No, but he's pretty good at skating.

Have you seen the new documentary about white trash?

I've only seen the trailer.

We've all seen geese flying in a V formation with one side being longer than the other. The question is: Why is one side longer?

There are more geese on that side.

My disabled friend is one of the best swimmers I have ever seen.

I never knew how good they were until after that first stroke.

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

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[NSFW] When a woman buys a vibrator, it’s seen as a bit of naughty fun. But….

When a man orders a 240 vault Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blow up latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built in realistic orgasm scream with option of a moaner or panter in a 7.1 sound system, hes called a pervert

I haven't seen this one here.

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied
"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual

...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once



Cop: I mean around here




Me: nah they live in water

My glass coffin company "Remains to be Seen" isn't doing very well.

It's an original idea, isn't it?

I've just seen the most confusing book...

Ventriloquism for Dummies

Why don't you ever seen women magicians?

Because the last time we did we burned them

I haven't seen my wife in 2 days

I came home from work the other day and said, "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

My wife asked, "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because I just stepped into a poodle."



The swelling in my eyes has gone down enough that I think I'll be able to see her tonight.

You think gad and electric bills are expensive... have you seen chimneys?

They're through the roof!

Old one I've never seen on here

This joke was in a book I had as a young child, probably from the 70s or 80s. It's so ridiculous, I remember it to this day.


Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?

A: Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



Q: How do you kill a white elephant?


A: Hold its nose un...

have you seen a flashbang go off?

a stunning experience

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

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Best joke I’ve ever seen

It was a rainy night, 7th of October 2009 if I recall correctly, I was in camp with my friend roasting 2 marshmellow bags we bought, beautiful sight of the river, he told me this one thing that’s stuck with me:

“Did you know too much sex can cause bad eyesight, bad hearing, inability to recei...

I know a couple for 20 years, and I’ve never seen them smile or laugh at each other.

They are …..in a very serious relationship.

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

The first goes to a family in Egypt, which names him Ahmal.

The second goes to a family in Spain, which names him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Excited at receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a pictur...

Yo Mama so fat I drove by your house and seen her in the window..

EVERY WINDOW!!

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Just seen an advert in the paper...MATHS TEACHER NEEDED...£45,000-£50,000.

So I rang them up and said, "The answer is £5,000." Stupid fucks.

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You know what they say, once you've seen one pair of boobs...

You want to see them all

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

A dentist looks into a patient's mouth and says, "That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen. That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen."

"I heard you the first time," says the patient. "You didn't need to say it the second time."

"I didn't," says the dentist. "That was my echo."

The funniest joke I've seen on reddit

"Subreddit Info:

The Conspiracy subreddit is a thinking ground."

credit to r/conspiracy

Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

Wife: "Have you seen the broom ?

Me: " Why!! Are you going somewhere?"

The alligator, a huge fellow, is seen later and the crocodile, another huge fellow, is seen after a while. There’s a third fellow who is quite small, and you see him very soon. Why?

Because he just Caiman!

Has anyone seen my marzipan cake?

I think it was stollen.

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

Anyone seen the movie 'The Tractor'?

No?

How about the trailer?

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.

I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

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