A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Skinny irish man and a black guy in an elevator

Skinny little Irish man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irish man fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

So the Pope is very early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where he’s going.

​

“I’m heading to a lecture,” the man slurs in response.

​

“A lecture?” the skeptical cop responds. “Who would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?”

​

“My wife,” the drunk man answers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fighter pilot and a cargo pilot are flying around, talking shit to each other on the radio. The fighter pilot goes on about how much cooler he is than the cargo pilot and says, "Watch this, brah!" hits the afterburner, does a barrel roll and then a loop.

"Top that!" he shouts to the cargo pilot.

"Ok, well watch this." says the cargo pilot.

The plane just goes straight for a while.

"How'd you like that?" asks the cargo pilot.

The fighter pilot is confused and asks, "What did you do?"

The cargo pilot replies, "I went...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Told my wife that there's a rumour going around that the mailman has slept with all the women in our street except one....

She replied, " Oh I bet it's that stuck up bitch from number 22 ".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful, young, sexy student once asked me breathlessly what she could possibly do to earn an A in my class. I walked around the desk and sat right next to her and shyly, moved close to her ear and whispered

Try studying.

Why are there fences around cemeteries?

People are just dying to get in

Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"?

He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was tha...

A small-town preacher was known for getting around town on his bicycle. One day, a neighbor noticed him walking and asked him about his missing bike.

The preacher said, "Can you believe someone stole it?!"
The man replied, "I have an idea. On Sunday, give a sermon on the Ten Commandments. When you get to *Thou Shalt Not Steal,* really rail on it, and the thief is sure to feel guilty and return your bike."
The preacher agreed and went on his...

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Three murderers are on death row. The day rolls around for their execution. The first man sits in the electric chair and the priest says...

“Any last words?” The murderer exclaims “I’m innocent!” They pull the handle, but nothing happens. The electricity doesn’t run. The priest, astonished, says “that’s a 1 in a million chance, it must be a sign from god. you have be telling the truth.” And the first murderer is free to go.

The s...

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says

"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."

*Source: Reader's Digest*

I was joking around with my girlfriend the other day, and she asked me how she got 'such a hot boyfriend ;)'

So should I break up with her for cheating or...?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, an arsonist and a masochist all sitting around a table in a mental institution.

Suddenly the sadist says, let's torture a cat. Then the zoophile says yeah let's torture a cat and then have sex with it. Then the murderer says, let's torture a cat, have sex with it and then kill it. The necrophiliac follows up with, let's torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it and then have sex...

What's black and white, red all over, and can't turn around in a hallway?

A nun with a spear through her

(Told this to a nun in highschool during class. She threw a blackboard eraser at me but laughed)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

If a tree falls in the forest with nobody around to hear it...

Wood someone make a pun out of it?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got really frustrated and my wife warned me not to cuss when the kids were around.

Me: This is such bull-

Wife: Shhh, say snake instead

Me: Oh right.. This is such snakeshit

Close one

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say

“I haven’t decided yet."

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

When I was around 8, my dad sat on my bedside and told me I was adopted.

Your new parents will be here around 2 o'clock

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

The pope was being driven around in a limo

A chauffeur was driving the Pope around. The Pope thought to himself "Hmm, I never drive." So the Pope asks the chauffeur, "Is it ok if I drive?" The chauffeur doesn't know what to say, so he let's the Pope drive. The Pope drives, but he drives pretty bad. He can't stay in a straight line, and keeps...

I once tried to kill myself by hanging from the ceiling with a noose around my neck. I was unsure if it would work.

The suspense was killing me.

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

I took a girl home last night. We were fooling around, and she sighed and said, “You don’t have much experience removing bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

Adolf Hitler is walking around in a prisoner camp.

As he is passing through he see a kid who is giving his food rations to an injured dog.

Hitler walks up to the kid and asks him, "Why are you giving your food to the dog? You know you wont get extra."

The boy replies, "The dog needed it more than me, sir."

Hitler felt something ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter

It’s pretty nuts.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around

Two balloons were floating around a desert.

One said to the other, "look, a cactussssssssss..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 Soldiers around a Campfire.

(Not sure if this was done already but I heard this in boot camp. If I fucked it up I’m sorry.)

There are 4 soldiers sitting around a fire.

A Green Beret, A Navy Seal, a MARSOC Gunner, and a Delta Operator.

The MARSOC Gunner looks around for sec, then says “I once killed 20 men ...

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

This is a thoughtful reminder that everyone around you is going through something, some type of struggle...

And you should find out what it is and use it against them.

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father moved around a lot when he lived in France.

He was always going from place to place, town to town, city to countryside.He loved to tell his stories, he told of the beautiful countryside in the South, back in 1975, he gave amazing descriptions of the lights in Paris, where he lived in the early 90’s, the mountains of Lyon from back in the late...

Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies?

The ruler.

At a mental institution, they decide to build a fence around the building

The workers decide to paint the fence red.

The next day, the fence is gone. All of the patients were sitting outside, on the grass with their hands patting their bellies.

After that incident, the workers build another fence, this time painting it yellow.

The next day same thing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandmother sat me down the other day and whispered conspiratorially in my ear that if she had her time again, she'd have spent it in Germany from around 1933.

I guess she's a gramma Nazi.

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

What was Micheal Jacksons favourite chord to play around with?

A Minor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

Some boy scouts are sitting around a campfire...

Some boy scouts are sitting around a camp fire and begin to tell some jokes. The first one lets out a chuckle and says, "13". The rest of the scouts chuckle and another says, "Heh, 6". This gets a good laugh from most of them and a third replies with "8". At this point they are at the point of tears...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a man went to spain to tour around the country

one day he went to an awsome one in a lifetime bullfighting show. after the show, he wanted to try some spanish food. he went to a restaurant next to the stadium. he wanted to order some steak when he saw the couple next table eating giant meatballs. he asked the waiter.

the man: excuse me, c...

[LONG] A few lumberjacks were realxing around a campfire after a long days work...

They had cracked open a couple of beers and were telling stories of the biggest trees they've cleared, and how easily they fell after 9 or 10 swings of their axe.

The biggest, burliest man speaks up after a few men had spoken and says, "That's nothing. I can cut down trees twice the size of t...

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

Why do graveyards have big walls around them?

Because everybody's dying to get in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is driving around the backwoods

He sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: **Talking Dog For Sale.** He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

I was walking around the hospital...

I was walking around the hospital yesterday looking to visit my Nan. When I got to the correct area in the hospital I saw a sign saying “Stroke Patients Here”.
I never did get to visit my Nan, thanks to hospital security.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas

the poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, " Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange t...

I was reading a story the other day about a deranged garbage man running around for years, murdering dozens.

Psychologists said he was a diagnosed Suciopath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:

"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"

Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.

"Oh my god! What should I pack...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two professions that will always be around are lawyers and plumbers

cause they never run out of shit to do.

Does anyone go around looking for particularly somber grass?

Just so they can say, "This is a grave yard."

Why are there no video games based around Jesus?

Because he takes 3 days to respawn.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've always wanted to fool around with another guy...

But I guess I'm not cocky enough. Or maybe I just haven't found the balls to do it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't spread it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend and I used to get hammered and go around pissing off balconies

We’d stumble down the street until we found a good one. Then we were all like “Hey balcony, you’re a real piece of shit.”

___________________________________

With all the bad jokes going around, I had to draw the line somewhere.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

Wikipedia has been around for seventeen years now!

[Citation needed]

My girlfriend told me to stop singing Smash Mouth songs around the house or she's leaving me. I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

And then I saw her face...

My girlfriend doesn’t know her way around the kitchen...

The other day she comes in the room and says “you’re looking a little sick. Is there anything I can get you?”

I said “yes, I’d love some ice water.”

She comes back 3 minutes later, and hands me an onion.

I asked “what the hell is this?”

She said “cut that up. It will make...

I was carrying my ukulele around in its case and my friend asked, "You play an instrument?"

I replied, "Yeah, I play a little guitar."

"Sorry, we don't serve your kind around these parts" says the bartender.

A tachyon walks into a bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap wrapped around his body..

The therapist says "I can see youre fucking nuts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When ejaculating semen shoots out at around 30mph

Maybe thats why the cops got so pissed at me for jerking off in a school zone.

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is showing his friend around his apartment

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

​

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

​

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

​

"How does it work?"

&#x200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bunch of fetishists are sitting around at their fetishists club bored trying to think up things to do.

Then one has an idea. The guy who's into bestiality says, "I wish we could find a cat and fuck it!"

The sadist says, "Yeah, and we could torture it before we fuck it!"

The necrophiliac says, "And then afterwards we'll kill it and fuck it again!"

The masochist says, "meow."

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us...

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

And They Say There Aren't Any Gentlemen Around Anymore

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I am opening the door for you because I am a gentleman."
Wife: "I AM TAKING A SHIT, YOU MORON!"
Me: "Ok, m'lady."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"

"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.



And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What noise wakes you up at the North Pole around March 18?

The crack of dawn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Vikings were the ones that took it upon themselves to spread sexual education to the world around them

*Even if it had to be mandatory*




Which kinda made it a constant pain in the ass

How did crabs get around Atlantis?

Pubic transportation

For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it.

When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside.

"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn. I think I could be in some trouble here.

There’s been a rumor going around recently that Rowan Atkinson can’t please his wife

Apparently he missed her bean

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Do you know what it means when a bunch of horses are bucking around and going crazy?”

No papa i don’t.

It means there’s a storm coming. Do you know what it means when a herd of cattle are all lying down?

There’s a storm coming?

No, they’re fucking tired.



*told to me by my 80 year old grandfather*

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.









This was a repost for r/ModMurder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl and her dad are driving around, when an aisle of women leaving a fashion show suddenly walk onto the road, nearly being hit by them.

Girl says: "That was pretty fucking clothes."