A man was riding his motorcycle through the border of Germany and Austria every week carrying 2 bags filled with sand.

The border guard, an older man, searched both bags every time, but never found anything so he let him through. This goes on for a couple days until the border guard had his last day before retirement. Again the man comes to the boarder, both bags filled with sand. The guard asks him: "Look man, toda...

A tourist goes to see Beethoven's grave in Austria

And, to his shock, he sees the great musician seated next to his grave, erasing pieces of paper with his symphonies written on them.

The tour guide leans over to his visibly startled guest and says, "Don't worry, he does this all the time. He's decomposing."

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

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What is Austria’s greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone Hitler was German

Amnesia Austria

I wanted to tell my children about my visit to Austria’s capital city but I couldn’t remember it’s name.

I guess it meant nothing to me.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a little boy back in Austria, he and his friends had a game where they would pretend to be famous composers ...

Georg would say "I'll be Handel!”

Franz would say "I'll be Schubert!”

Arnold would say "I'll be Bach!"

Grandad asked what's on TV; I said "Austria and Hungary are playing". He asked

"against who?"

Austria’s Prime minister...

... and his minister of health were sitting in a restaurant and laughing out loud. A guest comes by and asks: “Why are you laughing that hard?”
The PM replies: “We are planning the next lockdown!”
Guest: “And that’s so funny?”
PM: “Yes…”
Guest: “What are you planning to do?”
PM: “We w...

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks“

China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads“

Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners “

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replies: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite g...

What’s a good place in Austria for a Spaniard to take a vacation?

Bienna

Why was Austria-Hungary?

Turkey wasn't around yet.

A man was visiting a small and remote village in Austria (long)

But he couldn't find anyone. The whole town appeared empty, except for one building near a church. He entered and it was an enormous and lively room and the whole town appeared to be there. There was beer and food and people seemed to be enjoying themselves a lot.He went to the bar in one corner and...

What was the state of Austria in 1866?

Under Prussiah!

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

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One day a giant tornado went through Austria...

...but luckily all the children were already in the basement.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.

John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. Wh...

Two very old men of unimportant european nationality meet

While talking, one asks: "You watching the football game?" (Soccer for our American friends)

The other says: "Who's playing?"

"Austria-Hungary", says the first.

"Against whom?"

Why was Austria-Hungary lonely after 1914?

Because they didn't have Franz.

Why was Austria's neighbour complaining?

Because he was Hungary.

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

The Death Of Beethoven

When Ludwig von Beethoven died in Vienna, Austria in 1827 he was buried at the city's central graveyard.

After 3 days some people who walked by his grave notice there was a strange noise in the air. Something was wrong.

After 6 days more and more people were talking about that and it b...

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!”

Grandpa: “Who’s playing?”

Grandson: “Austria-Hungary”

Grandpa: “Against who?”

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WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

Hope this one lands with yah.

Me, dad I’m hungry
#
Dad, hi hungry I’m Austria let’s form an Empire

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: "Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."

The lady: "Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"

The agent: "Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Aus...

I'm hungry

Friend: If you're hungry, then I'm Austria.

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A man confesses his sins to a priest...

He says “Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I was skiing down the slopes on my recent trip to Austria.

Upon my return to the top of the slope I noticed my boss from work. I was wearing my ski mask and a balaclava so he would not have recognised me.

As he was leaning down to fix hi...

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham and Arnold Schwarzenegger go to a theme party.

Dolph Lundgren, Jason Statham, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are planning ahead to attend a theme party. The theme is famous composers, and Lundgren suggests “We should all go as a composer from our respective heritage. I could be Franz Berwald. He had interests in the arts and sciences, much like me.”<...

19th century monarchy humor, anyone?

So Otto von Habsburg walks into a sports bar, sees a game on, and asks the bartender who's playing. "Austria and Hungary," he replies. Otto: "Yeah, who are they playing against?"

I was traveling in europe

Went to Austria with a tour group and stopped at a famous cemetery, we could all here a strange sound, after afew minutes I asked the tour guide 'what's that noise?' He looked me without missing a beat and said "don't worry its just Beethoven de-composing"

The disappearance of Joseph Haydn

Dissatisfied with the Christianity of Europe in 1800's, the composer Franz Joseph Haydn turned his eye to the religions of the east, and after much soul searching, he converted to Sikhism late in his life.

It would be the last thing he did.

Official reports say that after his conversi...

Arnold Schwarzenegger was ostracised when he was young.

After taking steroids, however, he was Austria sized.

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