The tragedy of Canada

The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

It's legal to get stoned!

Canada is just the states...

With PvP turned off.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

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Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual eh.

Canada: spell colour

America: no U

Canada: U

America: no U

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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After spending some time in Canada, I think I'm only attracted to Canadians now.

You could say I'm eh-sexual.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Two Scottish women are visiting Canada..

When they come across a skunk.
“Ahh look a’this wee thing, it’s well cute!”
“Aye a know but leave it be”
“No but I think I wantit like yoo know as a pet”
“Y’canny be serious lass?”
“I’m taking it home wimme!”
“What on the plane an all?”
“Aye”
“Ach, where y’gonna put it?”
...

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

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A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

How Canada was named

In the year 1534, there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land. They had no idea what to name it. So they each decided to pick a letter out of a hat, and go from there.

The first explorer picked the letter C.

"C, eh?" He said

The second picked the letter N.
...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

How did Canada get it’s name?

Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:

“C” eh, “N” eh, “D” eh.

50% of Canada is full of

The letter A

I’m thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada

Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau!

What’s the difference between Canada and Maine?

In Canada Moosehead is a beer and in Maine it’s a misdemeanor.

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."

Why are the Great Lakes running out of water?

Because Americans are drinking Canada Dry.

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

The PM of Canada issued the building of a dam

The dam was finished and started working, giving the people much needed electricity. Years passed, and the PM eventually got a pet deer which he named Frenklie. When a privatisation wave had recently hit his country, the deer asked him why he wasn't giving the dam for privatisation as well. The deer...

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By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

A tourist from Canada walks into a Moscow restaurant.

He orders fries and gravy. When the order comes and he tastes it, he says "Ugh, I hate this poutine!"

He was never seen again.

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

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Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

A Geography Lesson from Flock of Seagulls

Y'see, kids, Canada is to the north of the US, and Mexico's to the south, *and Iran, Iran's so far away*.

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

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How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

Who needs a border wall when you have Tranqs and Sleeping pills

Dart em’ and ship em’ to Montana. They’ll just wake up and go to Canada.

What do you call going out with someone from Canada?

A canadate.

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I heard they have "bagged milk" in Canada

Where i'm from, we just call them breasts like everyone else.

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

How Much of Northern Canada is Hospitable?

Nunavut

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

My friend and I visited Canada for the first time...

We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

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The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's off...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

My friends were arguing about who is prime minister of Canada. My first friend said he has a french name. My other friend said that he is wrong.

So I turned to him and said: 'He's trudeau.'

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

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What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

What’s bordering to stupidity?

Mexico and Canada.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

When Canada was being formed, they couldn't agree on what to name the new country.

They figured they'd at least need to figure out what the first letter should be. There were a few suggestions.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The next said "N, eh?"

The third said "D, eh?"

And thus, Canada was born.

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.

They call it Brrrlesque.

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

What’s the most popular board game in Canada?

Sorry!

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

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