Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

How much of Northern Canada is habitable?

Nunavut.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

How did they get the name Canada?

They drew letters out of a hat. "C", eh? "N", eh?. "D", eh?

​

Its an oldie but a goodie, don't know the original credit.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

How much of Canadas Northern-most Territory will be left if we dont stop Global Warming?

Nunavut

My friends were arguing about who is prime minister of Canada. My first friend said he has a french name. My other friend said that he is wrong.

So I turned to him and said: 'He's trudeau.'

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

What disease is ravaging canada?

hepatitis eh

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in Common?

...It's legal to get stoned!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

When Canada was being formed, they couldn't agree on what to name the new country.

They figured they'd at least need to figure out what the first letter should be. There were a few suggestions.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The next said "N, eh?"

The third said "D, eh?"

And thus, Canada was born.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

What's the difference between America and Canada?

This joke has been blocked by your ISP.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

How do you kill a one legged fox? (dark humor)

You make him run halfway across Canada.

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

Canada has a much better leader than the United States

It's Trudeau

I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.

They call it Brrrlesque.

Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

What’s the most popular board game in Canada?

Sorry!

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

Nepal is furious at Canada for legalizing weed...

Because Canada has just taken their spot as highest nation on the planet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and t...

Marrying a Canadian woman

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second ...

What do you call a Russian guy in Canada?

Vladimir Poutine

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

In light of their recent legalization of marijuana, I will now be referring to Canada as "baked Alaska"

If anyone wants to start a petition you have my full support.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As someone residing in a #shithole country

i really wish i could move just to the north... canada

I just told my friend that Justin is the PM of Canada but he didn't believe me.

It's true though.

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