What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

It's legal to get stoned!

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Congratulations, you've won a free vacation across Canada! You have a choice between experiencing the vast Canadian Arctic, or everything else that Canada has to offer.

You either see all of it, or Nunavut.

The tragedy of Canada

The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

If Americans in Niagara Falls want to get to Canada for legal marijuana...

They have to take the 420 Highway!

(It’s actually true. Look it up.)

How did Canada get it’s name?

Their founders put a bunch of letters in a hat and pulled them out:

“C” eh, “N” eh, “D” eh.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

50% of Canada is full of

The letter A

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all just mapleleaf

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?

Just aboot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

What's the difference between delivering a baby in the US and Canada?

In Canada, you get free shipping.

People say Canada's Prime Minister is a joke

I can't disagree, so to that I say, "that's true doe."

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

What’s the difference between Canada and Maine?

In Canada Moosehead is a beer and in Maine it’s a misdemeanor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well.

One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!"

The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "An acre and...

One day Canada will take over the world

Then you'll all be sorry

I didn't want to believe the racist man in the brown face was the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau!

Canada: spell colour

America: no U

Canada: U

America: no U

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the birthrate in Canada declining?

Because Canadian's are eh-sexual eh.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

The PM of Canada issued the building of a dam

The dam was finished and started working, giving the people much needed electricity. Years passed, and the PM eventually got a pet deer which he named Frenklie. When a privatisation wave had recently hit his country, the deer asked him why he wasn't giving the dam for privatisation as well. The deer...

A tourist from Canada walks into a Moscow restaurant.

He orders fries and gravy. When the order comes and he tastes it, he says "Ugh, I hate this poutine!"

He was never seen again.

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard they have "bagged milk" in Canada

Where i'm from, we just call them breasts like everyone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call a “cock-block” in Canada?

a beaver dam

What do you call going out with someone from Canada?

A canadate.

My friend and I visited Canada for the first time...

We went to a fight, and a hockey game broke out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

I think that the geese in Canada are racists.

They kept yelling honk eh’ honk eh’ honk eh ‘!

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

How Much of Northern Canada is Hospitable?

Nunavut

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

Did you hear about the guy that had a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?

Everytime he sits down Quebec separates

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

How much of Canadas Northern-most Territory will be left if we dont stop Global Warming?

Nunavut

Did you know that Canada has a real hard water problem?

Most of the time, it’s frozen.

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

My friends were arguing about who is prime minister of Canada. My first friend said he has a french name. My other friend said that he is wrong.

So I turned to him and said: 'He's trudeau.'

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

When Canada was being formed, they couldn't agree on what to name the new country.

They figured they'd at least need to figure out what the first letter should be. There were a few suggestions.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The next said "N, eh?"

The third said "D, eh?"

And thus, Canada was born.

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.