Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let ...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of le...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

What disease is ravaging canada?

hepatitis eh

How much of northern Canada is habitable?

Nunavut

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can’t beat a good stereotype!

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in th...

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Canada?

Kilometer-y Cyrus

Want to know who they named Canada? They pulled random letter out of a hat

“First letter is C, eh” “next is N, eh” “last letter is D, eh”

I live in Canada, so you encounter a lot of bears here. Me and my friend were walking in the forest, when we saw one, up close. I thought I was a goner, when I remembered my gun in my backpack.

One shot to my friends kneecap, and I was able to run away safely

I hope I see some moose in Canada

My hair is a mess.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

Did you know that Canada has a Prime Minister, not a President? You might think I’m making this up, but...

It’s Trudeau.

A trucker in Canada...

Is driving in a winter storm. When he stops at a red light, a blonde lady jumps out of the car behind him, runs up to his truck, knocks on his window and says, "you are losing some of your load!"

He shakes his head and ignores her.

The same thing happens again at the next two lights.<...

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to move to northern Canada with me.

She was having Nunavut.

Why was the Chinese CEO unable to leave Canada?

Because somewhere along the road she lost Huawei.

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in Common?

...It's legal to get stoned!

A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization.

Sorry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

The founders of Canada were sitting around, trying to come up with a name for their new country.

They couldn't come up with anything until one of them suggested putting all of the letters of the alphabet into a hat and drawing them out one at a time. The eldest member of the group was chosen to draw letters. So he starts in. "C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

Did you know Canada doesn't have a president?

It's Trudeau.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

I just visited a posh strip club in Northern Canada.

They call it Brrrlesque.

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

What's the difference between America and Canada?

This joke has been blocked by your ISP.

How do you kill a one legged fox? (dark humor)

You make him run halfway across Canada.

They have launched a new marijuana app up here in Canada, but it is very annoying.

It keeps sending you kush notifications.

I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.

It's really dope.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

Now that Marijuana is legal in Canada, I decided to get job in the industry.

So far it's a pretty kushy place to work.

Nepal is furious at Canada for legalizing weed...

Because Canada has just taken their spot as highest nation on the planet.

What’s the most popular board game in Canada?

Sorry!

Canada has a much better leader than the United States

It's Trudeau

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."
...

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

On the map, Canada is above the US.

But isn't it crazy that when I look up I don't see Canada?!

Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and t...

How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

A man goes on his annual bear hunting trip to Canada...

The first year he goes with a small pistol as it's his first time. As he's walking through the forest he sees a bear, shoots at it and runs over to find the body when he gets over to where the bear should be there's no sign of the bear... then there's a tap on his shoulder and the bear bums him. ...

What do you call a Russian guy in Canada?

Vladimir Poutine

What do you call an accidental pregnancy in Canada?

A Tinder egg.

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

I just told my friend that Justin is the PM of Canada but he didn't believe me.

It's true though.

Now that Canada legalized weed...

there's a whole lot of Canadians bakin

An English couple is driving through central Canada and realize that they're lost, so they pull over and ask a local which city they're in,

The local kindly replies "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."

The couple says thank you, and leave. "Did you understand that?" The woman asks the man.

"No, he didn't even speak English!"

They finally opened a footlocker in Canada

It's aboot time

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all ...

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As someone residing in a #shithole country

i really wish i could move just to the north... canada

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

&#x200B;

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

&#x200B;

Parrots are like America. They bli...

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

Could someone help me out? I live in Canada and I need to travel to my honey farm tomorrow, but I don't have a car.

I don't need anything special, just something to get me from eh to bee.

Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act.

Turnout was high.

I tried to get my friend to stop eating Canada...

But he was having Nunavut.

^^^the ^^^pronunciation ^^^doesn't ^^^work ^^^that ^^^way ^^^but ^^^whatever ^^^it's ^^^OC

When Canada stopped using pennies, my dad lost his job.

Now he just doesn’t make cents.