UPJOKE
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Origin of Canada

The founding fathers of Canada were trying to figure out what to name the country, but they couldnt decide on a name. They figured to put the letters of the alphabet in a hat and draw them at random.

They pulled the first letter out.
“C eh?”
Then the next one,
“N eh?”
One more,...

How does a Canadian spell Canada?

C-eh-N-eh-D-eh

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

Word of the Bible

Whoever lies with a man as with a woman must be stoned.

--- fortunately both recreational activities are legal in Canada

Why don’t many people live in the northernmost part of Canada?

Because they don’t like Nunavut.

I was working in a record store when a gentleman asked me if we had anything from the most popular prog-rock band from Canada.

I said I'd be with him in a moment. He said "OK. No rush.".

I replied "Sorry. I can't help you then."

I love driving through Canada this time of year…

… to watch the prime minister change colors

What is Canada’s national board game?

Sorry

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Warning: Lawyer joke ahead

A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator ...

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

What's Canada's favorite game?

Sorry

Make your own breakfast

Two youthful artists having a studio in Philadelphia, wherein they not only work but lodge as well, were obliged to make shift, not long ago, during a period of financial stress, with such meals as they could themselves prepare in the studio.

One morning, as the younger of the two was 'sketch...

Suspicious loss

An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.

Shortest TV series

Breaking Bad (Canada version)

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

how do we know that the pope isn't being paid to come to Canada?

Because then it would be a PayPal visit.

What do you call a drought in Toronto?

Canada Dry

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An old lady shows up to a bank..

An old lady shows up at the Bank of Canada one morning with a bag of money.
The old lady insists on talking to the president of the bank about opening a savings account because, she says, she has a lot of money.
After much discussion, an employee took him to the president's office.
The Pre...

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

I was devastated to hear that someone in my town was crushed under a skid of Canada Dry today.

Now i guess we're both soda pressed.

In honour of Canada Day: How does a beaver greet another beaver?

Ma'Dam

With climate change coming, economists predict that Canada will soon be the most powerful country in the world.

And then you all will be sorry.

The kremlin just announced that the president has got a rare disease that turns people into things from Canada

This announcement was made by Vladimir Poutine

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

I heard the Prime Minister of Canada's middle name is Kaesits.

I can't verify this, but I'm still sharing it Justin Kaesits Trudeau.

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

The movie Turning Red takes Place in Toronto, Canada in the year 2002.

It's a period piece.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

How did a Chinese guy end up with a Tamil name

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was Kandaswami.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter......

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour.

Now I know how Canada feels.

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

How can someone tell that another person is from Canada?

By how they draw leaves.

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A father walks into a restaurant

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with, to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy cough...

You can't make statements in Canada.

But you can make provincements.

Canada was almost named "Cnd"...

But when the guy who decided it should be named "Cnd" publicly declared how to spell it, he said:

"C, eh?" "N, eh?" "D, eh?"

Canada was originally supposed to be called Canad.

But whenever anyone spelled it, it came out as:
C
A
N
A
D
Eh.


If you don’t get it, reading it out loud might help.

Canada has no president

False or Trudeau

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

World Cup 2022

I was really surprised to see Canada qualify for the world cup this year, but it's trudeau...

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A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

My insanely clean Canadian Bee Joke.

My bee joke I crafted myself:
*My Canadian Bee Joke*


My Aussie friend Deidre is an Apiarists. She works with bees. Actually she likes to be called Dee.

She was in Canada recently doing research at a university and she said she noticed that when she describes her interactions w...

Chrysler is introducing a new car to its line-up to honour Donald Trump

The Dodge Drafter will go into production in Canada this year.

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The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

Apparently, Canada has the world's thickest border...

With Mexico.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

How did Canada get its name?

2 people were walking around, and one says, "Oh this is a good country, eh? What should we name it?" So the other one says, "I agree, what should we name it?" The first one says, "Let's pick letters out of a hat." So they put letters in a hat and start to pull them. "We picked a C eh, N eh, D eh"

Canada's immigration centre has a new slogan

You'll be sorry

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest in Canada to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

Two Canadians die and go to hell.

Satan puts them in their own cell and turns up the heat to 49C, figuring that’s a good temperature to start newcomers. He comes back a while later to find the Canadians shirtless but smiling.

“It never gets this warm in Canada we’re enjoying while it lasts.” One of them explains when a mystif...

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

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A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the m...

Did you know that if you took all the fish caught in Canada in one year and laid them end-to-end …

…the smell would be absolutely atrocious.

Canadian query

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe ...

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Geopolitics you need to understand.

Complex Geopolitics

The US has apologised to France and will likely bring them into AUKUS. Australia will be replaced and so the new alliance will then be known as FUKUS…

If Australia stays, then it becomes FUK-USA.

If Canada joins, it will be known as CAN-FUK-USA

If I...

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

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A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

In America we can bare arms

But in Canada they can arm bears.

You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.

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What's the worst thing about being a stripper in Canada?

Coins are painful when thrown at you.

How Canada got its name...

They figured out the fairest way to name their country was to pull letters out of a hat. So they gathered around and a guy started pulling letters...

*pulls letter* "C, eh."

*pulls another* "N, eh."

*pulls another* "D, eh."

And that's how Canada got its name.

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

A cattle buyer goes on his annual hunting trip

A cattle buyer and his buddy decide to go on their annual hunting trip in the wilds of Canada. They always went pretty far out from civilization to hunt moose and had to hire a small Cessna and pilot to take them out so far. Contracting a guy, they fly out and booth shoot and kill the limit, a moose...

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

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The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.

On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.

"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."

"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

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Jerry and Gary were watching sitting on the couch

Jerry was changing channels on TV, he ends up on the news channel, where they hear the following:

"Squirrels are starting to go extinct in Canada, is speculated that on the black market a price of a squirrel can go up to 100.000$"

Jerry looks at Gary and says:

-Dude, I have the ...

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Dave decides he's had it with society, and buys some land in the middle of nowhere in Canada......

.... he builds himself an awesome log house, gets a great garden going, and is basically self-sustaining.
After several years, he hears a knock on his door.
With hesitation, he opens the door to find a big ol' Grizzly Adams-looking dude standing there.
"Howdy neighbor!" he says. "...

A young man arrives at a logging camp in northern Canada

He is there for the next nine months. The foreman shows him around, where he will eat, where he will sleep, the bathroom, etc... the young man asks half jokingly “What do ya’ll do when you get the urges? Ya know, there aren’t any women here...” the foreman smiles and points at a large barrel sitting...

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Sex workers in Vancouver, Canada are being given early access to the Covid vaccine. NSFW

Now, who's dick do I have to suck to get vaccinated?

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Cockerspaniel

An Iranian man moves to Canada. His English isn't the best but he gets by. He's feeling lonely so he goes to the pet store to buy a dog.

Guy: "I'd like to buy a cockandsmackit please"

Employee: "You mean a cockerspaniel?"

Guy:: "Ya that's what I said, a cockandsmackit"

He...

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

Canada is a logging nation.

Maple trees, spruce tress, and indigenous family trees.

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

I'm from Canada, Eh.

As opposed to what, Canada B?

Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

Where can you find the best housing investment opportunities?

Canada. It's a real 'eh' state.

After yesterday’s events

Mexico has agreed to pay for the wall and Canada wants one too.

US Battleship and Canadian Navy

I remembered an old joke I read awhile back. Some details may be off, but figured I had to share:

An American battleship ship is traveling at night around Canada when the radio comes on. It says "Canadian Navy to American Battleship, we have detected that you are on a collision course with us...

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

There’s a rumor that Trump is fleeing to Canada...

It isn’t Trudeau.

If America is the guy that peaked in highschool and Canada is that guy's younger brother that did something with his life, who are the parents

England and racism

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

”I don’t like Canada...

...it’s a land full to the brim with nothing but hockey players and hookers.”

”Hey, watch your mouth! I’ll have you know my wife’s Canadian.”

”Oh really? What team does she play for?”

How many A's in Canada?

4, cAnAdA, eh?
My dad told me this and it's much easier to tell verbally, so sorry for bad formatting.

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Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

I'm still undecided for the upcoming election...

But I've narrowed my choices down to Mexico or Canada based on moving costs.

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

Have you heard that new dog sled team from Canada that formed a rock band?

They're called Mush.

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I saw an Irishman while visiting Montreal.

When I asked what he was doing there he replied “I saw an advertisement that said “Drink Canada Dry” so I thought I’d give it a go.”

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

There are 3 superheroes, The Fireball, Lady Aqua, and Tornado.

They all form a superhero trio, and try to stop villains from all over the world. They were all hanging at the SuperBase, when an emergency alarm went off.

The supervillain Master Garth is making their way to Paris, so that she can destroy the Eiffel Towel to be able to control all areas of E...

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A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

Motorcycle

An old man would enter the United States from Canada on a motorcycle every day.

The border police found it strange and stopped the man one day and asked:

"What's in the bag that you carry on your back every day?"

The old man said it was sand! The police don't believe it! ?
...

Want to hear a joke about insulin? You might not think it’s funny.

You need to go to Canada to get it.

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

I went to an all you can eat restaurant at a nudist colony in Canada

It was called In the Buffet

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

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