UPJOKE
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Canada could have had it all: American industry, British Culture, and French Cuisine.

Instead, they got: French Industry, American culture, and British cuisine

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

What do Mexico and Canada have in common?

They both border on stupidity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in Canada is learning about the world...

He is curious about how things work, and one day he goes to his father and asks:

"Dad, if big dogs can have little dogs, how come big trains don't have little trains?"

Never unprepared his father says, "Go ask your mother."

The dutiful son finds his mother:

"Mom, if big d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,...

Americans In Canada

An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.

As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saska...

a Scottish man walks into a bar in canada

He noticed there is an animal's head hanging on the wall and asked the bartender what is it

"A moose" replied the bartender

"Jesus christ! How big are the cats here?" Said the scot

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

What is Canada’s national board game?

Sorry

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

Stop trying to convince me to visit Northern Canada.

I'm having Nunavut.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

How do you spell Canada, eh?

C, eh?

N, eh?

D, eh?

How did Canada get it's name?

They put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and pulled them out one at a time...

"C, eh. N, eh. D, eh."

In Canada, they use “B.C.E.” instead of “B.C”

It stands for Before Christ, Eh?

Someday in the near future, Canada will become the most powerful nation in the world.

And then … you all will be sorry.

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Expat moving to Canada.

August 12,
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14,
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I dr...

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

Canada was almost named "Cnd"...

But when the guy who decided it should be named "Cnd" publicly declared how to spell it, he said:

"C, eh?" "N, eh?" "D, eh?"

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

God created Canada.

On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-l...

You may not believe me when I say that Trump isn't the Prime Minister of Canada

It's Trudeau.

Whats the scariest animal in Canada?

A Cari-BOO

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada

He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs.

"Oh that's just a moose."

"Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

Canada really wanted that wall...

Instead of steel and concrete, they went with fire

American tourists in Canada

Two American tourists in Saskatchewan are arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town's name, so when they stop for a burger, the one asks the cashier, "Can you please tell us where we are, but say it slowly and clearly?"

The cashier says "B-u-r-g-e-r ... K-i-n-g"

I was driving in Michigan and saw a sign at the border in Detroit that said “Canada Dry.”

I really wanted a drink, so I turned around and went home.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus

6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course".

The American...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank god I live in Canada

There’s a rumor that Trump is fleeing to Canada...

It isn’t Trudeau.

Hopefully at least one more day of these Canada fires...

...I gotta brisket hanging on the porch.

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

What's Canada's favorite game?

Sorry

Covid Christmas in Canada

You can get together with your family on Christmas and smoke weed and the only illegal part is getting together with your family.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

How does a Canadian spell Canada?

C-eh?-N-eh?-D-eh?

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink. The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "what brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says, "well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot."

Mommy, what is a Canadian?

Citizen of Canada. Get it?

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

When I heard this morning that the Prime Minister of Canada is separating from his wife, I couldn’t believe it.

Turns out…it was Trudeau.

It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.

The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"

The next drew, "N, eh?"

F...

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" ...

I was trying to cross a river into Canada illegally

But I couldn't decide to Row Vs Wade

The geography of a woman as she ages: (from a friend)

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa .
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe.
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain.
Very hot, re...

How Canada got its name...

They figured out the fairest way to name their country was to pull letters out of a hat. So they gathered around and a guy started pulling letters...

*pulls letter* "C, eh."

*pulls another* "N, eh."

*pulls another* "D, eh."

And that's how Canada got its name.

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Contest! The Three Funniest Jew Jokes get a free Christmas hat [US & Canada Only]

We're jews over at Rally Flip Cap and we think Jewish jokes are hilarious. We also think ironic prizes are hilarious. So to celebrate Hanukkah we're going to giveaway 3 Merry Christmas hats!

The 3 most upvoted jokes get this hat for free, completely free, including the shipping, no hidden fe...

What's Canada's intelligence agency called?

The C.I. Eh

Canada is sending a strong team to the World Cup.

Unfortunately, it's the drinking team.

Why don’t many people live in the northernmost part of Canada?

Because they don’t like Nunavut.

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

You can't make statements in Canada.

But you can make provincements.

What do you call a person who got kicked out of Canada?

Can'tadian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian

A Canadian a Russian and a French guys are all armed with pistols and sitting around a camp fire.
The Russian pulls out a full bottle of Vodka, opens it and drinks about a quarter of it. He then throws it up into the air, draws his gun and shoot it.

The Canadian yells WTF?

The Russ...

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my God!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your Majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the t...

Did you know that if you took all the fish caught in Canada in one year and laid them end-to-end …

…the smell would be absolutely atrocious.

God says to the angel Gabriel: "I'm going to create a land called Canada."

"And Canada will be one of the largest and wealthiest in the world, stretching from the Arctic circle to the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, with breathtaking natural beauty and vast natural resources.

And Canada will have a rich cultural heritage, and its people will be renowned all over the wo...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Canada was giving away provinces and territories. I said that I wanted none of it.

Instead, they gave me the biggest fucking territory they had.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Newfie joke (newfoundlander) east coast of Canada

A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician...

In which regard is the USA better than Canada?

The USA has nicer neighbors.

”I don’t like Canada...

...it’s a land full to the brim with nothing but hockey players and hookers.”

”Hey, watch your mouth! I’ll have you know my wife’s Canadian.”

”Oh really? What team does she play for?”

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

A young man arrives at a logging camp in northern Canada

He is there for the next nine months. The foreman shows him around, where he will eat, where he will sleep, the bathroom, etc... the young man asks half jokingly “What do ya’ll do when you get the urges? Ya know, there aren’t any women here...” the foreman smiles and points at a large barrel sitting...

I wanted to crack a joke about the road that splits the US-Canada border..

But then I realized, it would be crossing the line.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs

It will be a High Council

Canada is a logging nation.

Maple trees, spruce tress, and indigenous family trees.

Kevin went to Canada for cheaper insulin.

Kevin got arrested for smuggling drugs.

A man tries to smuggle alcohol into Canada..

The Border Police weren't having Nunavut

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"


To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

Have you heard that new dog sled team from Canada that formed a rock band?

They're called Mush.

The naming of Canada

Long ago, in a stuffy statehouse, a group of men, living in the northern part of the North American Continent sat around thinking of what to name their new country.


Man 1: So, I don't wanna be stepping on any toes here but I think our country should have a C, eh?

Man 2: Dont'cha...

I went to an all you can eat restaurant at a nudist colony in Canada

It was called In the Buffet

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

What disease is rampaging Canada?

Hepatitis Eh

Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

The pope is travelling through Canada...

...watching the wonderful landscape flying by as his chauffeur drives him across the seemingly endless roads through the wilderness.
Eventually though, he grows bored and asks his chauffeur if he can drive for a bit.
"Listen", the pope says, "I'll drive for an hour, nobody will see. You can ...

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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